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I'm tired of my family (ramble warning)

So I have July 4th as a holiday and take off the 5th and 6th from work to have a 5 day weekend to work cattle with them. I clash a lot with my mom - she's an absolute control freak, almost a narcissist. But the 4th goes alright, and the 5th and 6th do as well, though (as usual) she keeps putting off working the cattle for other things.

So today I come to their farm at 9 and start working. Watered their cattle, her plants (they are in a drought), trimmed some shrubbery, fixed a little fence, chopped nettles in the field. We finally start working cows, and the same old little picks at me start. I bring over bulls she is sending off, with one cow in the mix, and she starts screaming about how stupid I am because I brought a cow. That I don't know the difference between a cow and a bull. Stupid fucking bitch, but I take it. The shit keeps on going, with their usual bullying strategy (mom says do x, dad says do y, if I do either they both gang up and bitch at me because I didn't do "the right one"). Finally they start bitching because I didn't open a gate when my dad was bringing a bull to go through it. My mom was screaming that I would let the bulls who had already gone through it out, and they did start moving towards it. So right on cue my dad starts bitching and my mom joins in, and I go fucking nuts.

To dad, "You fucking imbecile, you can't open and close a gate at the same fucking time!" and I just kept on.

My mom had previously mistaken a cow for a bull, and I felt the need to note the irony. "Hey, you stupid bitch, a bull has a cock!"

And it just kept on from there.

To top it all off, their friend who was coming to take the bulls had just got there, so both of them were trying to get me to be quiet. I just didn't really care. I wanted him to hear how stupid these two are. I get so tired of the shitheads watching every move I make and mocking it and ridiculing it (my dad does these little mocking movements, and my mom plays big boss and acts like a fucking drill sergeant).

So my dad walks off into the field towards the other side of the farm, say 3ish, because I wouldn't shut up with their friend there. He does that shit a lot - goes off and puts over his widdle way not being hot. They both do, actually. It's not uncommon for either of them to drive off ranting about killing themselves, but they never do so I stopped caring. And I didn't care when my dad did it today. He'd be back. No need to give the toddler attention.

So a few hours go by and he has not come back, so I go over and check the farm and woods. Even if he was being dramatic, he has a bad hip so maybe he could have fallen and broken it? He is no where. Checked the barns and everything. Checked their old house where he sometimes sleeps when he puts (it is hoarded and ruined by cats). He's not there. Eh, he's hid before, and it does not look like he has fallen anywhere. Decide again not to care. Mom is blaming me because my temper will give them a heart attack (eyeroll). I go eat Zaxby's, figuring he will be back. This is like 8ish.

11ish, my mom is frantic. She claimed to have checked the house when she fed the cats and he was not there. His vehicle was still there, he did not have his cellphone, etc. Oh, shit. Maybe he actually did something. I walk over the farm (80 acre) again, check all the barns again (lofts, stables, etc.), go through their overgrown woods where he could have cut through. Nothing. Try checking the house again, but the key is not there. Mom insists she checked it, so I start looking around the farm again. She again puts me on a guilt trip that this is my fault.

Mom ends up calling the neighbors, then 911. The neighbors bring over their gator with floodlights and go over the farm again. The cops show up with a tracker dog and look over the house. I'm distraught. They want to look at the house again, so I go to where they have the key hid. No key. Call mom, and she says she thinks she left it at their business (where they live since destroying their house). I go down and check. No key. Call mom, and she insists she put it back. Ask her again if she checked the whole house. "Well, just the front. I didn't check the bedrooms."

Jesus fuck. If she put the key back, and it is gone, then dad must have grabbed it after she left, so the asshole must be in the house. Drive back. Pass EMS vehicle with dog driving away. Oh, shit. Get to a T intersection and run into one of the cops driving away, honk to get his attention. "Whoever checked the house didn't check it very good. He was asleep in the bedroom." Oh, shit.

I almost burst out laughing, but hold it back because that would probably get us arrested. Get back, and all the cops and neighbors are gone, and my mom is sitting on her fat ass in her car. She now insists she checked the bedrooms. Why didn't I verify? I go off on her again because I am fucking tired of her using their lives as ammunition against me. Fucking silence because she knows what a piece of shit she is. This is 12:30ish.

I'm at a hotel right now, Holiday Inn Express. I am kind of going between extreme rage, pain, and nonstop laughter right now, but I just can't be around the shitheads any longer. I live and work out of state, 6 hours away, as an engineer, and have tried trimming down coming "home" to once a month, but after this shitfest I am thinking of going no contact. Just so fucking tired of being mocked and belittled and insulted by them, mostly her (e.g. I don't have a real job because engineers don't really "work", attacks on my salary, etc.). BTW, I travel for work across the southeast US so much I have a month of free Holiday Inn stays, if that means anything. Using one tonight. Well worth it. I'm packing up and leaving tomorrow. Got in poison ivy searching the woods, so I am going to run and get some lotion for it, but I am not sure if I can sleep.

Long ramble, but IDK what to do. My GF is going through a ton of shit right now and I can't call her about this. Don't really have anyone else to talk about it with. Not sure I want to talk so much as vent mostly anonymously anyway. I've figured out over the past 2-3 years how fucked my family was, but tonight just feels like, ah, consequences will never be the same. Paradigm shift. I think this was all a fucking act. I am so fucking tired now.
 

way more

Member
You should be thankful your parents were wealthy enough to own a farm /era


It sounds like you did hit a turning point. I'm going to trust you assessments of your parents and suggest you don't have long holidays/vacations with them. Be civil, hit them up on x-mas and Thanksgiving, hold your tongue like we all do, but don't feel you need to stay for 3 days.

It totally sounds like your mom was just itching to guilt trip you. If you don't want to visit them for a while you can point to that weekend and say "it just took a lot out of me. I'd rather not experience that again," or something.
 

TrainedRage

Banned
So I have July 4th as a holiday and take off the 5th and 6th from work to have a 5 day weekend to work cattle with them. I clash a lot with my mom - she's an absolute control freak, almost a narcissist. But the 4th goes alright, and the 5th and 6th do as well, though (as usual) she keeps putting off working the cattle for other things.

So today I come to their farm at 9 and start working. Watered their cattle, her plants (they are in a drought), trimmed some shrubbery, fixed a little fence, chopped nettles in the field. We finally start working cows, and the same old little picks at me start. I bring over bulls she is sending off, with one cow in the mix, and she starts screaming about how stupid I am because I brought a cow. That I don't know the difference between a cow and a bull. Stupid fucking bitch, but I take it. The shit keeps on going, with their usual bullying strategy (mom says do x, dad says do y, if I do either they both gang up and bitch at me because I didn't do "the right one"). Finally they start bitching because I didn't open a gate when my dad was bringing a bull to go through it. My mom was screaming that I would let the bulls who had already gone through it out, and they did start moving towards it. So right on cue my dad starts bitching and my mom joins in, and I go fucking nuts.

To dad, "You fucking imbecile, you can't open and close a gate at the same fucking time!" and I just kept on.

My mom had previously mistaken a cow for a bull, and I felt the need to note the irony. "Hey, you stupid bitch, a bull has a cock!"

And it just kept on from there.

To top it all off, their friend who was coming to take the bulls had just got there, so both of them were trying to get me to be quiet. I just didn't really care. I wanted him to hear how stupid these two are. I get so tired of the shitheads watching every move I make and mocking it and ridiculing it (my dad does these little mocking movements, and my mom plays big boss and acts like a fucking drill sergeant).

So my dad walks off into the field towards the other side of the farm, say 3ish, because I wouldn't shut up with their friend there. He does that shit a lot - goes off and puts over his widdle way not being hot. They both do, actually. It's not uncommon for either of them to drive off ranting about killing themselves, but they never do so I stopped caring. And I didn't care when my dad did it today. He'd be back. No need to give the toddler attention.

So a few hours go by and he has not come back, so I go over and check the farm and woods. Even if he was being dramatic, he has a bad hip so maybe he could have fallen and broken it? He is no where. Checked the barns and everything. Checked their old house where he sometimes sleeps when he puts (it is hoarded and ruined by cats). He's not there. Eh, he's hid before, and it does not look like he has fallen anywhere. Decide again not to care. Mom is blaming me because my temper will give them a heart attack (eyeroll). I go eat Zaxby's, figuring he will be back. This is like 8ish.

11ish, my mom is frantic. She claimed to have checked the house when she fed the cats and he was not there. His vehicle was still there, he did not have his cellphone, etc. Oh, shit. Maybe he actually did something. I walk over the farm (80 acre) again, check all the barns again (lofts, stables, etc.), go through their overgrown woods where he could have cut through. Nothing. Try checking the house again, but the key is not there. Mom insists she checked it, so I start looking around the farm again. She again puts me on a guilt trip that this is my fault.

Mom ends up calling the neighbors, then 911. The neighbors bring over their gator with floodlights and go over the farm again. The cops show up with a tracker dog and look over the house. I'm distraught. They want to look at the house again, so I go to where they have the key hid. No key. Call mom, and she says she thinks she left it at their business (where they live since destroying their house). I go down and check. No key. Call mom, and she insists she put it back. Ask her again if she checked the whole house. "Well, just the front. I didn't check the bedrooms."

Jesus fuck. If she put the key back, and it is gone, then dad must have grabbed it after she left, so the asshole must be in the house. Drive back. Pass EMS vehicle with dog driving away. Oh, shit. Get to a T intersection and run into one of the cops driving away, honk to get his attention. "Whoever checked the house didn't check it very good. He was asleep in the bedroom." Oh, shit.

I almost burst out laughing, but hold it back because that would probably get us arrested. Get back, and all the cops and neighbors are gone, and my mom is sitting on her fat ass in her car. She now insists she checked the bedrooms. Why didn't I verify? I go off on her again because I am fucking tired of her using their lives as ammunition against me. Fucking silence because she knows what a piece of shit she is. This is 12:30ish.

I'm at a hotel right now, Holiday Inn Express. I am kind of going between extreme rage, pain, and nonstop laughter right now, but I just can't be around the shitheads any longer. I live and work out of state, 6 hours away, as an engineer, and have tried trimming down coming "home" to once a month, but after this shitfest I am thinking of going no contact. Just so fucking tired of being mocked and belittled and insulted by them, mostly her (e.g. I don't have a real job because engineers don't really "work", attacks on my salary, etc.). BTW, I travel for work across the southeast US so much I have a month of free Holiday Inn stays, if that means anything. Using one tonight. Well worth it. I'm packing up and leaving tomorrow. Got in poison ivy searching the woods, so I am going to run and get some lotion for it, but I am not sure if I can sleep.

Long ramble, but IDK what to do. My GF is going through a ton of shit right now and I can't call her about this. Don't really have anyone else to talk about it with. Not sure I want to talk so much as vent mostly anonymously anyway. I've figured out over the past 2-3 years how fucked my family was, but tonight just feels like, ah, consequences will never be the same. Paradigm shift. I think this was all a fucking act. I am so fucking tired now.
Damn, sounds like some pretty bad communication. You are right to get some space and take some time to vent. It's like the stuff you see in a bad comedy movie. You may just have to live with the feeling that you are not like your parents. I'm sure they love you and appreciate your help (in their own weird way). I don't think things like this are healthy for any of you to do, especially consistently. Try and talk to them in a clam setting about how you treat each other and maybe make some points about personal responsibility.
 
You should be thankful your parents were wealthy enough to own a farm /era


It sounds like you did hit a turning point. I'm going to trust you assessments of your parents and suggest you don't have long holidays/vacations with them. Be civil, hit them up on x-mas and Thanksgiving, hold your tongue like we all do, but don't feel you need to stay for 3 days.

It totally sounds like your mom was just itching to guilt trip you. If you don't want to visit them for a while you can point to that weekend and say "it just took a lot out of me. I'd rather not experience that again," or something.

The problem is that everything is guilt with her. I'm killing them by working out of state. I should quit and work locally so I can spend time with them (i.e. work in their business after my actual job and then do more/farm all weekend). I should build a house with them and live with them. I'm selfish.

I've done my damndest to have a life where I am now - a lot of healing, a lot of learning. And it has finally paid off - my job has been looking better, I actually found a GF who is so understanding about these things (although my mom does not know about her, and it will be bad when she does), good finances, a house that is not stacked to the ceiling with clothes and Beanie Babies. A decent life, finally.

I told her tonight that no normal parents used suicide or a parent dying as leverage against their kids. That is something I have experienced since I was in elementary school, and tonight was just kind of it. No answer from her, of course. I don't know if she understood that or if she was just trying to think of a rationalization.

Damn, sounds like some pretty bad communication. You are right to get some space and take some time to vent. It's like the stuff you see in a bad comedy movie. You may just have to live with the feeling that you are not like your parents. I'm sure they love you and appreciate your help (in their own weird way). I don't think things like this are healthy for any of you to do, especially consistently. Try and talk to them in a clam setting about how you treat each other and maybe make some points about personal responsibility.

I'm not sure it is that innocent a misunderstanding, unfortunately. I have a suspicion that this was staged because my mom lied about checking the house out fully.

In terms of it being healthy, that is why I try to stay away. The longer I am away, the better she gets. Once I am back in her domain, as it were, the claws come out to try to keep me there, and any dissent
leads to conflict.
 

way more

Member
I told her tonight that no normal parents used suicide or a parent dying as leverage against their kids. That is something I have experienced since I was in elementary school, and tonight was just kind of it. No answer from her, of course. I don't know if she understood that or if she was just trying to think of a rationalization.


While that is true it's also pretty common. You need to find a therapist. They cost like 70 bucks and hour and it's one of those things that you don't want to do but once it's over with you wonder why you don't do it more often. You really aren't going to find a good solution for this on your own or with your GF. Why should you assume your GF has the answer for this issue when you, who have experienced it, does not know how to deal. It's a complex issue.

Find a therapist in your price range and dump it all on them. That's the entire point of their profession. You get to talk about yourself for 50 minutes while they encourage you more.
 
i used to be super shy and frankly a little bitch. became my own person. my parents didnt know how to handle me at first but then i began to understand them and they understood me. no offense but you probably act like you work for them. if you cant handle your parents move on or quit complaining about them. honeslty i have a way better relationship with my parents once they really know who i am and how i act. you continue to be some submissive dude and theyll treat you like shit. way she goes
 

Gander

Banned
I learned that with moms and women in general almost never about what they are bitching about. The problem is you may never find out or guess what the actual problem is. Whether that it's that she wants you to settle down or have kids, whatever it is she not going to tell you outright. Say you do find out it may not be something that you want to change about yourself. If you think it will do nothing but make your relationship bitter, just keep your distance.
 
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While that is true it's also pretty common. You need to find a therapist. They cost like 70 bucks and hour and it's one of those things that you don't want to do but once it's over with you wonder why you don't do it more often. You really aren't going to find a good solution for this on your own or with your GF. Why should you assume your GF has the answer for this issue when you, who have experienced it, does not know how to deal. It's a complex issue.

Find a therapist in your price range and dump it all on them. That's the entire point of their profession. You get to talk about yourself for 50 minutes while they encourage you more.

My GF has her own family problems, and it was actually one of the things we bonded over. We were just friends initially, met up through gaming. I've tried to adopt some of her strategies for my life (decreasing contact for one; I used to come home every weekend).

I've been to therapy on and off for this and other issues (social anxiety, chronic depression, SPD, not psychologically diagnosed but suggested by therapist). Haven't been in a while since my health plan switched to a CDHP with HSA - I wanted to save up two years worth of deductibles in my HSA before starting to use it.
 
While that is true it's also pretty common. You need to find a therapist. They cost like 70 bucks and hour and it's one of those things that you don't want to do but once it's over with you wonder why you don't do it more often. You really aren't going to find a good solution for this on your own or with your GF. Why should you assume your GF has the answer for this issue when you, who have experienced it, does not know how to deal. It's a complex issue.

Find a therapist in your price range and dump it all on them. That's the entire point of their profession. You get to talk about yourself for 50 minutes while they encourage you more.

70 bucks an hour is insane. you shouldnt say someone "needs" anything. this guy 'needs' to settle out his issues with his parents and no offense but he clearly wants to take the path of least resistance. if there is any good conclusion thats going to come of this is will have to be because of him and him setting down his foot. will he do it? probably not. so im telling you now bud. change is only gonna happen if you make it happen
 
i used to be super shy and frankly a little bitch. became my own person. my parents didnt know how to handle me at first but then i began to understand them and they understood me. no offense but you probably act like you work for them. if you cant handle your parents move on or quit complaining about them. honeslty i have a way better relationship with my parents once they really know who i am and how i act. you continue to be some submissive dude and theyll treat you like shit. way she goes

I quite literally can't be myself with them. My mom hates what I enjoy and ridicules it all regularly ("if you would throw away games and learn the stock market, you could be a millionaire!"), hates my sense of humor, hates my job. I was supposed to be her doctor, but instead I am just a ChemE/statistician/programmer.

My dad has no personality. He is basically her servant that pitches fits occassionally. I have tried talking to him about my GF, for example, and he has nothing to say, no advice, no comment.

I'm not sure they treat me like an employee - most of my bosses have been a hell of lot better than them. Growing up on a farm, you expect your parents will teach you shit, but all I ever got was "How do you not already know that? You're stupid/useless/etc." Even now at 29 I never get full descriptions of what they want, and when I ask I just get told that I am a child and should just obey. It's not for me to question, for some reason.
 
Get the fuck out. Of the state, if possible. Bring your girlfriend if you can, try long distance if you can't, so long as you have a concrete plan to move her in. If you don't, break up. Ultimately, her crises aren't yours. You're just better than this, OP. Your parents work cattle that's not part of a factory - I know how limited their prospects are. If they can't conceptualize your potential, don't share it with them.
 
Get the fuck out. Of the state, if possible. Bring your girlfriend if you can, try long distance if you can't, so long as you have a concrete plan to move her in. If you don't, break up. Ultimately, her crises aren't yours. You're just better than this, OP. Your parents work cattle that's not part of a factory - I know how limited their prospects are. If they can't conceptualize your potential, don't share it with them.

hey man *sniff* want to start a business with me
 
I don't know how I feel about the whole thing, how do you not feel embarrassed about admitting how you speak to your parents? The whole situation just seems like a mess, you seem like a nightmare by how you talk to them, the way you were raised is probably to blame for that so thats on them I suppose.

It sounds like a Jerry Springer family, I mean is your average American family like this? Is it acceptable to treat your family like trash(that goes both ways, i'm not pointing the finger just at you OP, clearly your parents went wrong in raising you.

Move away is my only advice I guess
 

JimboJones

Member
Just tell them to hire someone to help, I wouldn't go back to that treatment and give them free labour.
Get on with your own life.
 
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JimboJones

Member
Anything else that happened that day that upset you you deserved after calling your mom a stupid bitch.
Why? Seems like she's kinda a cunt, he doesn't have to be there. He's giving his free time to help and all they do is criticize him.
 

Typhares

Member
I don't understand your story OP. Like you're an adult, you do what you want.
If you loathe these people so much why even bother? I don't get it. I don't get along with my mum much either, I moved away, found my life and balance.
It actually helped our relationship in the long run.
 

DunDunDunpachi

Patient MembeR
Investigate 'Narcissistic Personality Disorder'. See if it matches your experience. This sounds highly not-normal and abusive. My wife's parents are both narcissistic and it got so bad over the course of 9 years that we literally had to go "no contact" because it was affecting our young kids.
 
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