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Jokes Thread.
- Thread starter and 3 others
- Start date
dr_octagon
Banned
Why can't ducks play hide and seek?
They're always peking.
They're always peking.
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dr_octagon
Banned
1. I started to write down my puns on paper and laminate them.
Now they aren't so tearable.
3. What do you call someone who used to like tractors?
An extractor fan
4. What's a fruit's favourite race?
Le Mans
Now they aren't so tearable.
3. What do you call someone who used to like tractors?
An extractor fan
4. What's a fruit's favourite race?
Le Mans
Schrödinger's cat
Banned
What happened to 2?
dr_octagon
Banned
2. How many azlheimer patients does it take to change a lightbulb?
To get to the other side
To get to the other side
Kev Kev
Member
dr_octagon
Banned
I make loads of ad money from putting classical music videos on my youtube channel. It all got taken down recently and now I'm baroque.
Mistershine.
Banned
Two soldiers were out on patrol and they started to feel a little hungry. They walked a bit further and one of them noticed something in the distance, "is that a bacon tree?" he says. "don't be so stupid" says the other as they carry on walking. A few minutes later the first says "fuck it, I'm starving, I'm going to find the bacon tree" and runs off. The second soldier sits down and has a drink while he waits for his buddy. Twenty minutes later he comes back, beat to shit and shot through the shoulder. "Jesus christ, what the fuck happened?" his friend asks, "you were right, it wasn't a bacon tree, it was a fucking ham bush!"
eddie4
Genuinely Generous
A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.
The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?"
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."
The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"
The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick."
The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?"
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."
The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"
The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick."
Prison Mike
Banned
My friend makes paintings of Eminem combined with other famous rappers.
He's a mixed Marshall artist.
He's a mixed Marshall artist.
Narasumas
Member
A teacher was in class and said “OK children...we’s gonna have us a spelling bee today. Now who in here can spell Stupid?”
Aretha raiissseee her hand. She said “I spell it! S-T-U-P-I-D...stupid”
Teacher said “ ‘Retha that be so good! now put it in a sentence for me”
“Leroy, you be sooo stupid.” “Very good ‘Retha. Now who in here can spell Idiot?”
Aretha raiissseee her hand. She said “I spell it! I-D-I-O-T...idiot”
Teacher said “ ‘Retha that so good! now put it in a sentence for me”
“Leroy, you be’s an idiot.” “Very good ‘Retha. Now who in here can spell Dictate?”
All of a sudden Leroy raised his hand confidently and said “I SPELL IT! D-I-C-T-A-T-E”. Teacher said “very good Leroy, now put it in a sentence for me”
.....”Hey ‘Retha...how my dictate last night?”
Aretha raiissseee her hand. She said “I spell it! S-T-U-P-I-D...stupid”
Teacher said “ ‘Retha that be so good! now put it in a sentence for me”
“Leroy, you be sooo stupid.” “Very good ‘Retha. Now who in here can spell Idiot?”
Aretha raiissseee her hand. She said “I spell it! I-D-I-O-T...idiot”
Teacher said “ ‘Retha that so good! now put it in a sentence for me”
“Leroy, you be’s an idiot.” “Very good ‘Retha. Now who in here can spell Dictate?”
All of a sudden Leroy raised his hand confidently and said “I SPELL IT! D-I-C-T-A-T-E”. Teacher said “very good Leroy, now put it in a sentence for me”
.....”Hey ‘Retha...how my dictate last night?”
Narasumas
Member
This joke is best told drunk with an Irish accent—
Macgregah was sittin’ at the bah…havin’ a drink, lookin’ all depressed-like. The bartender says to ‘im, “Why the long face there?”
Macregah takes a sip out his glass and looks around the room. “You see this ‘ere bah top? I built this bah…board by board. Do ye tink they call me ‘Macregah the great bah builder’ ?…No….” He takes a sip again. “And do ye see that there window there? I laid each window frame by frame. Do ye tink they call me ‘Magregah the great window framer’? ….No…. And do ye see that there fence out there? I built that fence…post by post. Do ye tink they call me ‘Magregah the great fence builder’ ? ….No….” He gazes into his drink, takes another sip and says …..”But you fuck ONE goat…”
Macgregah was sittin’ at the bah…havin’ a drink, lookin’ all depressed-like. The bartender says to ‘im, “Why the long face there?”
Macregah takes a sip out his glass and looks around the room. “You see this ‘ere bah top? I built this bah…board by board. Do ye tink they call me ‘Macregah the great bah builder’ ?…No….” He takes a sip again. “And do ye see that there window there? I laid each window frame by frame. Do ye tink they call me ‘Magregah the great window framer’? ….No…. And do ye see that there fence out there? I built that fence…post by post. Do ye tink they call me ‘Magregah the great fence builder’ ? ….No….” He gazes into his drink, takes another sip and says …..”But you fuck ONE goat…”
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Silent Viper
Banned
Posting for fun.
