Xbox One and PS4 are like different types of Subway sandwiches, but honestly the Xbox One is an Italian BMT while the PS4 is a Chicken Teriyaki club. The problem with the Xbox One right now is that the server doesn’t know how to use the toaster, so every time he puts the Italian bread into the toaster, it literally catches on fire and burns the entire Subway down. So you’re standing there, waiting for your sub sandwich, the clerk is screaming, “AHHH! AHHH! SOMEONE HELP ME! MY HAIR IS ON FIRE AHHH!” and you’re like, “I’d like to have my sandwich please,” but the clerk is just running around literally with his head on fire screaming, “I NEED MY SANDWICH FELLOWS!” So he goes into the back room to get his Sandwich Fellows but the Sandwich Fellows just make it worse because they don’t actually exist.
Anyway, the Subway is now completely on fire and the clerk has his head in the sink. So finally, his hair is no longer on fire but now there is fire extinguisher exhaust literally everywhere on the sub ingredient area. So you tell the clerk you don’t really want a sub anymore but he holds a knife to your throat and is like, “I WILL CUT YOU!” so you have to learn to balance the special needs of the clerk with whatever your natural desire to have a sandwich is. Eventually, you say, ok, it’s “good enough,” so you order the Italian BMT with extra olives and peppers. But when the clerk, now with no hair and with a knife pointed squarely at your throat, goes over to the olives he realizes there ARE NO MORE OLIVES LEFT OVER BECAUSE THEY ALL BURNED DOWN so he goes on Twitter and asks Polygon to start spreading rumors that you NEVER ACTUALLY ORDERED olives. When you say you wanted olives and show the clerk video from the security feed of yourself ordering olives, he literally walks you outside the store and starts beating you over the head with the Italian bread (which is of course burnt since it was on fire). Eventually you say fine, I’m done with this shit and the Polygon twitter bans you anyway because you don’t understand how the industry works.
Meanwhile the PS4 is like walking up to the counter and there is a really sexy dude and/or lady behind the counter wearing a perfectly tailored suit and/or pantsuit. You go to order the sub but the clerk already knows what you want and he/she is already making it. And you say, “How did you know that?” and it turns out the clerk is actually @yosp and he has four arms, two of which belong to David Cage (who is standing behind @yosp). So you walk out of the Subway and you are like, “Wow, that was surprising,” and there, on the other side of the street, is the guy being beat over the head with the burnt Italian bread by the clerk with the building on fire and you’re like, oh. This makes perfect sense.