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Lack of ambition is unattractive

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FloatOn

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Am I unreasonable for thinking this?

I'm in that having sex but not officially boyfriend/girlfriend phase with this girl. She's really great in most ways but the thing is she feels stuck working her retail job at this bookstore. I've casually and politely mentioned that she should seek employment elsewhere which she supposedly has. The thing is she kind of has randomly said a couple of times something to the effect of "I'm kind of just waiting for _____ to happen first". I'm of the belief that if you want something to happen you should do everything you can until it happens.

The other part of it is that she supposedly only needs to complete seven more classes before she gets her bachelors in psychology. Just seven! I've only recently got back into school so I can understand the hassle and pain that goes into working and going to class but to me I just can't understand why she won't finish it off and get a decent job out of the world of retail. I've done everything I can to politely encourage her to go back and finish her degree but she says she wants to find a better job first.

It bums me out because I can tell she wants to take what we have going on to the next level but I'm uncomfortable with that because I want whoever I'm with to be driven and help keep me motivated as well.

I don't want to be a dick about this but it's major red flag. I'm not saying she has to be some super empowered career person or anything like that but to be stuck at a retail job at 32 is pretty unattractive.

So I'm leaning on you gaf (most of whom I don't know) for advice on how to proceed. I just got out of seven year marriage so dating is something I'm re-learning and I don't want to fuck this up if I don't have to.
 
I don't think it's unreasonable at all, especially in this climate.
You want a partner, not a burden to put it bluntly.
 
RealityExists said:
Am I unreasonable for thinking this?

The other part of it is that she supposedly only needs to complete seven more classes before she gets her bachelors in psychology. Just seven! I've only recently got back into school so I can understand the hassle and pain that goes into working and going to class but to me I just can't understand why she won't finish it off and get a decent job out of the world of retail. I've done everything I can to politely encourage her to go back and finish her degree but she says she wants to find a better job first.
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Nothing wrong with a partner who is content with where they are, for example my girlfriend is currently at university but says she would completely fine with being a housewife, so that in itself is not bad at all. However that type of lack of ambition you describe would definitely be a red flag to me.
 
Different people have different expectations of themselves, if yours are incompatible with hers and that makes you uncomfortable with her then that's that. No use burying your discomfort only for it to come digging out in the worst way possible.
 
Dude, there is nothing wrong with the way you feel. Lack of ambition in your partner means EVERYTHING is gonna be on you. That's a lot of pressure and stress that will only get worse when you start a family.

If you like her, you should be honest and let her know that for your relationship to move forward you need to see changes on the career front. If she get's mad and rolls, you dodged a bullet but if she is reasonable she will start to realize how detrimental her mentality is and a simple change in attitude can help her achieve her goals instead of "waiting for x to happen".
 
At least she has a job. My girlfriend has been out of work eight months. Also, I'm not sure a degree in psychology is going to be her ticket out of retail. Hate to break it to you.
 
I'm just conflicted because I really like what we have but if this is going to move into something more serious I don't want to be stuck supporting someone more than I should like I did with my ex-wife.

Basically I don't want to be taken advantage of again. I also don't want to be like "sorry, we can't be officially together because you have no career ambition".

Bubbavelli said:
Yeah man. If she's happy then all is well and maybe her life just isn't compatible with yours.
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she's not happy though. she complains about her job a lot.

WonkersTHEWatilla said:
How old are you?
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31
 
Maybe she doesn't want to go to the next level? Maybe she likes her life the way it is now?

Being content with life is all that matters. I wouldn't care if my wife became a cashier at McDonald's the rest of her life, as long as she was happy and the same amazing person she is now, then why would I give a shit?

People who look for ambition in relationships are always looking for the wrong things.
 
Goliath said:
Dude, there is nothing wrong with the way you feel. Lack of ambition in your partner means EVERYTHING is gonna be on you. That's a lot of pressure and stress that will only get worse when you start a family.

If you like her, you should be honest and let her know that for your relationship to move forward you need to see changes on the career front. If she get's mad and rolls, you dodged a bullet but if she is reasonable she will start to realize how detrimental her mentality is and a simple change in attitude can help her achieve her goals instead of "waiting for x to happen".
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Yea but this stuff can take time, whats a reasonable amount of time to give such an endeavor?


Tempesta di Fuoco said:
Maybe she doesn't want to go to the next level? Maybe she likes her life the way it is now?

Being content with life is all that matters. I wouldn't care if my wife became a cashier at McDonald's the rest of her life, as long as she was happy and the same amazing person she is now, then why would I give a shit?

People who look for ambition in relationships are always looking for the wrong things.
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what about your own success? and do you currently have a family to raise?
 
Tempesta di Fuoco said:
Being content with life is all that matters. I wouldn't care if my wife became a cashier at McDonald's the rest of her life, as long as she was happy and the same amazing person she is now, then why would I give a shit?
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Because people have bills, rent, mortgages, debt, healthcare needs, a need to eat, car payments, insurance, etc. Your wife can be happy as shit, but it doesn't change that fact that you might end up being unhappy if you are stuck supporting her because she works at McDonald's.
 
PseudoKirby said:
Yea but this stuff can take time, whats a reasonable amount of time to give such an endeavor?
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She doesn't need a job immediately, but the effort put in applying for jobs every week and formulating a realistic five year plan for finishing school and finding a job in a field that won't leave her utterly dependant on him is a great start.

Basically what she should start to show to the OP is that she takes her future seriously because if they move forward his future (and credit score) is tied to hers.
 
OP, sounds a bit like you want GAF's permission to start dating other people.

If this person's priorities aren't aligning with yours, and that's a dealbreaker, you have our permission to find anyone else in the world who will be a more attractive alignment.

Unless she's crazy and will come after you for breaking up. You're on your own if that's the case, brosef.
 
Ambition? I couldn't care less.

But someone who is self aware of their unhappiness and won't act on that? It has nothing to do with attraction but it's definitely a compatibility issue.
 
Lord Fagan said:
OP, sounds a bit like you want GAF's permission to start dating other people.

If this person's priorities aren't aligning with yours, and that's a dealbreaker, you have our permission to find anyone else in the world who will be a more attractive alignment.

Unless she's crazy and will come after you for breaking up. You're on your own if that's the case, brosef.
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This.

Not everyone is compatible long term, its cool.
 
That's a years worth of schooling for a degree in a field that requires a Master's at the minimum to get any sort of well-paying job. So, consider that about 3 years more of school.

It's more of a commitment than you actually think it is. Stop being so shortsighted and actually think about it from her perspective.
 
daviyoung said:
and you're thinking about her ambitions already?
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I met her about a month after my wife and I have seperated. We've been hanging out for about 6 months.

META said:
That's a years worth of schooling for a degree in a field that requires a Master's at the minimum to get any sort of well-paying job. So, consider that about 3 years more of school.

It's more of a commitment than you actually think it is. Stop being so shortsighted and actually think about it from her perspective.
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I have about that much time left for my degree as well. I would be fine with her being in school that long.
 
Nothing wrong with wanting certain traits in a mate. There's no "right" way about it. Just means you like what you like. I personally wouldn't date someone with little to no ambition and this stage of my life but it's also relative: My definition of ambition might be different that someone else's.
 
there needs to be a balance in everything. I certainly understand that ambition is something that can be attractive. and moving forward in life should be important to anyone. however, that doesnt need to be your job. there are many other areas you can do something in. and if I have learned something, one secret of happiness is to learn to be happy with what you have, especially career wise.
 
PseudoKirby said:
what about your own success? and do you currently have a family to raise?
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I don't care about success. I care about my relationship. I care about my wife. If I had to spend the rest of my life living in some nasty trailer in the middle of a desert, I would if it was with her.

Because people have bills, debt, healthcare needs, a need to eat, car payments, insurance, etc. Your wife can be happy as shit, but it doesn't change that fact that you might end up being unhappy if you are stuck supporting her because she works at McDonald's.
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If you're not willing to support the one you love, you shouldn't be in a marriage.
 
Tempesta di Fuoco said:
Maybe she doesn't want to go to the next level? Maybe she likes her life the way it is now?

Being content with life is all that matters. I wouldn't care if my wife became a cashier at McDonald's the rest of her life, as long as she was happy and the same amazing person she is now, then why would I give a shit?

People who look for ambition in relationships are always looking for the wrong things.
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That's very sweet but when the reality is that most divorces are related to money problems it becomes very obvious why having one part of the team contributing significantly less can be a problem. Money doesn't bring happiness but if everyone is on the same page as to their lifestyle and goals out of life, having enough money to accomplish that reduces a SIGNIFICANT amount of stress in the relationship.

Besides lack of ambition is something that doesn't end with just a job. An overly complacent person might lack the desire to improve themselves in many aspects of the relationship, which is bad because both partners should grow and adapt to eachother.
 
Would be a deal breaker for me. I seem to be attracted to very driven people with at least some sort of goal they're after.

As others have said though, it comes down to personal choice.

Edit:

crazygambit said:
But she isn't. Yet she won't do anything to find a better job. That was kinda the point.
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Constant complaining about being happy and refusing to do anything about it is the absolute worst for me.
 
Tempesta di Fuoco said:
I don't care about success. I care about my relationship. I care about my wife. If I had to spend the rest of my life living in some nasty trailer in the middle of a desert, I would if it was with her.



If you're not willing to support the one you love, you shouldn't be in a marriage.
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The OP is talking about dating, not marriage.
 
Goliath said:
She doesn't need a job immediately, but the effort put in applying for jobs every week and formulating a realistic five year plan for finishing school and finding a job in a field that won't leave her utterly dependant on him is a great start.

Basically what she should start to show to the OP is that she takes her future seriously because if they move forward his future (and credit score) is tied to hers.
Click to expand...

well I am in a similar situation, but I am much more vested in this person.

we are coming up to our 5th year and she has expressed deeply that she hates her jobs that she has had, and how she wants to be something. but she can never get it together, never has a plan on it. I have spent so much hope into her, as well as money and time for her to achieve what she wants but IDK.


I dont want to hijack the thread
 
Tempesta di Fuoco said:
I don't care about success. I care about my relationship. I care about my wife. If I had to spend the rest of my life living in some nasty trailer in the middle of a desert, I would if it was with her.



If you're not willing to support the one you love, you shouldn't be in a marriage.
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So tell me, have you had to actually sleep on the streets for even one night?

how old are you.
 
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