kingbean
Member
Upside down Tree: A Poem.
I saw an unusual tree.
It grew from the sky down to the earth.
I could not see where the roots gathered.
It was close to reaching the earth.
Uncanny, upside down and soon to reach its limit.
Will it grow out or will it cease to grow at all?
An unparalleled beauty halted by the ground above it.
As I wept for its struggle I failed to realize that it grew upwards.
Heaven bound.
This will probably be a hard to follow stream of conscience ramble, so bare with me if you can.
About a year and a half ago I was diagnosed with PTSD and major depression. I was suffering from severe work related stress and constant suicidal thoughts. I spent 4 days in a mental rehab center and started to get my shit together. That lasted for almost a year. I think it was mostly the medicine and removing myself from a managerial position at work.
Smash cut to a few months ago, things start to fall apart once again. And earlier in August I cut my wrist up in attempt to test the waters. I was caught during this process and promptly sent on my way back to mental rehab.
I should take the time to say I don's struggle with substance abuse. I don't drink nor do I do any sort or recreational drugs. I'm simply broken, but I'm taking leaps as of recent to fix myself.
Story time. I met a girl, I knew she was unhealthy for me at the time... I guess 2 years ago or so. She was funny and very pretty, but she was in a relationship with a piece of shit and also a pretty serious drug user so I ignored my interest in her. Recently I met her at her work, she's a dancer, and we caught up and she's still the funny and interesting person she was back then, but now she's single and no longer on drugs. She's in the process of actually getting her shit together too. So I fell for her hard, hard. She wants to take it very, very slowly since she's been so hurt in the past and I'm an impatient fool that's constantly sticking my foot in my mouth. My therapist wants me to continue working on my relationship with her, but it might be the single hardest thing I've ever had to do. And I'm currently working through major insecurities for being a child sex slave for my grandfather from the age 5-11. So I'm basically a mental hell pit.
I'm told I'm lucky, I've got a good job and a nice car and my physical health, other than being overweight is great. I'm just now coming to terms with the fact that I'm allowed to feel good about myself and my life, but everyday is a struggle to keep my head out of the suicidal ideation hole.
Writing all this rambly bullshit out really makes me feel like a complaining loser, and I'm okay with that. I'd rather get pissed than feel like a victim. I've been using my anger the past few weeks to motivate me at the gym and when I'm working on the heavy bag. It's been working so far, but now I'm trying to stop feeling like a loser and instead focus on the fact that I'm a decent human being, even with my bullshit.
Anyway.
Shit farts. That's all.
Justin
I saw an unusual tree.
It grew from the sky down to the earth.
I could not see where the roots gathered.
It was close to reaching the earth.
Uncanny, upside down and soon to reach its limit.
Will it grow out or will it cease to grow at all?
An unparalleled beauty halted by the ground above it.
As I wept for its struggle I failed to realize that it grew upwards.
Heaven bound.
This will probably be a hard to follow stream of conscience ramble, so bare with me if you can.
About a year and a half ago I was diagnosed with PTSD and major depression. I was suffering from severe work related stress and constant suicidal thoughts. I spent 4 days in a mental rehab center and started to get my shit together. That lasted for almost a year. I think it was mostly the medicine and removing myself from a managerial position at work.
Smash cut to a few months ago, things start to fall apart once again. And earlier in August I cut my wrist up in attempt to test the waters. I was caught during this process and promptly sent on my way back to mental rehab.
I should take the time to say I don's struggle with substance abuse. I don't drink nor do I do any sort or recreational drugs. I'm simply broken, but I'm taking leaps as of recent to fix myself.
Story time. I met a girl, I knew she was unhealthy for me at the time... I guess 2 years ago or so. She was funny and very pretty, but she was in a relationship with a piece of shit and also a pretty serious drug user so I ignored my interest in her. Recently I met her at her work, she's a dancer, and we caught up and she's still the funny and interesting person she was back then, but now she's single and no longer on drugs. She's in the process of actually getting her shit together too. So I fell for her hard, hard. She wants to take it very, very slowly since she's been so hurt in the past and I'm an impatient fool that's constantly sticking my foot in my mouth. My therapist wants me to continue working on my relationship with her, but it might be the single hardest thing I've ever had to do. And I'm currently working through major insecurities for being a child sex slave for my grandfather from the age 5-11. So I'm basically a mental hell pit.
I'm told I'm lucky, I've got a good job and a nice car and my physical health, other than being overweight is great. I'm just now coming to terms with the fact that I'm allowed to feel good about myself and my life, but everyday is a struggle to keep my head out of the suicidal ideation hole.
Writing all this rambly bullshit out really makes me feel like a complaining loser, and I'm okay with that. I'd rather get pissed than feel like a victim. I've been using my anger the past few weeks to motivate me at the gym and when I'm working on the heavy bag. It's been working so far, but now I'm trying to stop feeling like a loser and instead focus on the fact that I'm a decent human being, even with my bullshit.
Anyway.
Shit farts. That's all.
Justin
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