Hexenjäger is a pretty sweet title. I know just enough snippets of German that I can make sense of it, and it fits the story!
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NeoGAF Creative Writing Challenge #140 - "Nameless"
- Thread starter Cyan
- Start date
- Status
Hexenjäger is a pretty sweet title. I know just enough snippets of German that I can make sense of it, and it fits the story!
I'm attaching it to him too, based on the writing style. My only other guess for that one would be Cyan.
I wavered from Mike M to Cyan and back to Mike M, the final decision helped by me already associating an earlier story with Cyan.
You know the deadline isn't for another 26 hours right?
Get to work on those critiques you lazy so-and-so.
I'm totally starting a death metal band called that.
EDIT: Critiques plus votes. Some repeats on my guesses because this is where I cribbed them from and I'm to lazy to edit.
Man, I have no idea who wrote what. Apologies in advance that I'm not able to pick everyone out by their writing styles.
Baby Shoes: I knew exactly where this was going, having gone through that same experience myself : / There was just so much layering of all the ways the main character was happy with his life that it seemed inevitable that we were building to something horrible that would contrast it. Looked like there were a couple missing/misplaced punctuation marks, but nothing super egregious. Dialogue was natural, and we got a feel for the characters, though I was a little put out at the way the main character seemed to imply that he wouldn't find his wife as attractive as the pregnancy progressed. Kind of a dick attitude, but also entirely possible I was just reading too much into the wanting to "enjoy her body as much as I could."
The City You Once Loved: Oooh, there's probably a term for this, but I don't know what it is. Probably something something reader agency something something. Second person narrative is a difficult thing to write and to read, but the second you presume to write the dialogue of what the reader is supposed to be saying, I think something vital is broken. Would have worked far better in third or first person. And while I "get" the story and all, it kind of requires a ridiculous suspension of disbelief that any sort of society can exist at all with a language that has no nouns.
Divine Protection: I like the idea of a loophole in biblical prophecy that if Satan knows and believes that he is going to lose that he just would never start trouble to begin with. Honestly it's a strong enough idea to be the focus of a story all on it's own, it deserves more than a passing mention. Outside of that, there were some things I thought were genuinely clever, but overall kind of brought down overall by the "afterlife as a bureaucracy" take. Just taking into account the Creative Writing Challenges for the past year, I'm pretty sure we've had no fewer than half a dozen such entries, to say nothing else of every other medium of fiction out there. I mostly liked the twist at the end, despite a nagging suspicion that it probably would have worked better if there were *some* sort of explanation of how it took 24 hours to reach the ground.
Fakir and the Prince: Shorten your sentences, dude(tte). You wouldn't even have to cut practically anything, just cut them down into more manageable pieces. And commas. Don't forget your commas. This has the potential to being an interesting premise, but I think the construction of it didn't quite work. We've got the prince coming *back* after everything has already happened, and then we cut to a flashback*before* everything happened. You cut out the middle where anything interesting would have occurred, and it wasn't even in order : /
For the Want of a Dream: Some of the sentences struck me as odd. "His hand was still clutching his pistol, trying to quiet his ragged breathing"? His hand was trying to quiet his ragged breathing by clutching his pistol? "Ford resumed his plight"? When had his plight stopped? Surprised that the third named member was "Dodge" rather than "Mercury," but that would have been a little too on-the-nose in referencing The Postman : ) I was kind of confused as to what the ultimate goal was supposed to be for Ford. Yeah, he was building a toy space ship, but what were the lenses for? I guess they could be the portholes for some golden-age sci-fi depiction of a space rocket, but then what's he going to do with the entire plate of glass from a copy machine?
God Forsaken: Interesting blend of Norse mythology with the conventions of Grimm Brothers fairy tales. Or, you know, maybe the Grimms just had a lot of nordic influences in the stories they collected. I'm not super familiar with fairy tales outside of their efforts, so what do I know? I guess what I'm left wondering is just *why* the main character had to do all these things, as it was never all that clear what her ultimate goal was. I guess to get people to worship Odin again, but I'm not sure how assassinating what I guess are the royal children would accomplish that since everything else seems to imply that no one else worships Odin anyway. Guessing Cyan.
Hexenjäger: I Googled this word. Judging that the first link is to Wikipedia's German entry for that Hansel and Gretel movie and the context, it seems to be German for witch hunter. Huh, two witch stories in a row. I couldn't help but feel that the Unnamed Man (overused that term, BTW, and at least one instance where you just called him "the Unnamed.") was supposed to be British? Maybe it was the mention of high tea or something, I don't know. Honestly kind of surprised that the fight went as long as it did, I was genuinely expecting it to be like the finale of Kill Bill Vol. 2 where there's a whole lot of talking between two people who are about to fight to the death only to just skip to the death without a fight. Not sure how much of this stuff is classic folklore stuff and how much is just made up. I recognized stuff about magic and true names and bezoars, but iron nails through the heart and seer stones are a new one for me.
Lonely Planet: I'm of two minds about this one. I liked the depictions of the alien forest and how it turned on Mino, but I kept waiting for someone to say that these things were only the analogs for what we would consider trees or water since they exhibited characteristics that would not be ascribed to them. Water, for instance, would not be purple and levitate just because it's on another planet. Or maybe the truth is that the forest just releases spores or pheromones or something and that everything was one big acid trip (which would make a lot more sense to me, honestly, but if that was the intent it was pretty ambiguous)
Nameless: I have this mental image of all the furry woodland creatures gathered together and speaking at the same time with some sort of hivemind. Heh. Lots of fairy tale type stuff going on in this week's selections, apparently. This one hews so close to fairy tale rules and structures that the parts that don't line up kind of stick out to me, most notably the carp during the self-imposed three trials before attempting to penetrate the heart of the forest again. In the previous two, the falcon and the wolf told him to GTFO, but he pressed on. The carp, in contrast, is not a very threatening animal, and indeed he just kinda... advised. Not sure I understood what happened at the end. He was wandering the forest with amnesia, regained his memory (which were apparently only of bad things), but then found his way back to a happy family home? What were all the bad things he was remembering then?
No One: Yep. It's a poem.
One Last Mission: What is this, second person narrative week? Heh heh. As with The City You Once Loved, I think it would have been better to stick this one as a first or third person narrative. I don't think 2nd person really works in any other capacity except to paint the broadest possible strokes about the reader's involvement in the story, as it allows them to fill in the gaps on their own since it's supposed to be them. The second you start to get detailed about the history and relationships like this, there's no more room for the reader to insert their own experiences and expectations, and instead you get them saying "that's not what I would do." Also, waaaaay too many paragraphs start with "You" on that first page.
Still Creek: Got the distinct impression that this was supposed to be taking place somewhere in the states, but it utilizes the British spelling of "civilisation" and "torch" instead of "flashlight," so I don't know. But it's got hints of the existence of Christian fundamentalism, and I don't think I've ever heard anyone from the UK utilize the word "ain't," so I'm proper baffled. Questions of locale aside, this didn't quite gel for me, and I thought the encounter with the vagrant was entirely superfluous to requirements as it was already readily apparent that the town had been abandoned for years. Ghost stories are a very hard thing to get right, and I didn't feel like there were any rules established that the story was playing by. Main character goes to Still Creek and is in the past. Takes a ride back to his car, only Amanda's missing. Amanda reappears, but Pete disappears. When Amanda disappears again, the expectation has been built that the MC will encounter someone from the past again, only it's the gun-toting vagrant. And somehow Amanda went back in time or something. I have no idea who this was either.
Swashbuckled: Neckbeard the Great? Oh lordy. At first I thought it was kind of light hearted and punny and was thinking it was Nezumi, but then we got to the watersports and talking to his penis. That seemed... decidedly un-Nezumi like. I think my biggest issue with this is that there needed to be a reason that all those ships that had gone through the Misty Veil had never returned. They found and island, aaaaand...? From what we got to see of it, it just seemed like any other pirate town, there wasn't anything compelling about it that would keep people from ever wanting to leave and return home, especially when such a big deal was made about how no one ever returned. Why wouldn't anyone cross the veil, see that there's nothing particularly great on the other side, then turn around and go home and bask in the glory of being the first ship to return? There needed to be something to tie that end off. Gonna guess.. GRW810.
Things that make my heart beat faster but not in a horror kind of way.: That... did not end how I thought it was going to end at all. At first I was thinking Chainsawkitten for this one, but to pull punches like that at the end is decidedly un-Chainsawkitten. Or maybe that was precisely the sort of thing we should expect from someone trying to be anonymous about it?
Ties that Bind: Mr. Smith's dialogue didn't come across as having a natural cadence to me, but concerns about sensical character behaviors and actions were quickly thrown out the door as the story descended into a sort of dreamworld logic. Mr. Smith is described as a successful prophet, but all we see of him is his failed prophecy about the end of the world. That left me wondering if he really was in fact a successful prophet prior to this story, or if he was just a garden variety crazy man. Maybe a few examples of successful prophecy or something? Idunno. I'll guess Bootaaay just because I'm running out of possible names.
Where's the fun in that?: Oh, I think everyone here there's a lot more to making a lot of money off writing stuff down than just having a great story to tell : P Not sure how I feel about this one... It seems like it's all setup for the actual story about how they try and prevent (and probably ultimately fail) Donald's cycle, or how Steven discovers that Donald is stark raving mad, or whatever. I'm just left wanting more because you've set this up with a situation where no matter what he does, he ends up in the middle of the street at that exact time and gets hit by a car every time and nothing he does can prevent it, and that is just so strikingly counter-intuitive that I want to get in the story and argue with him. I mean, what happens if he even so much as just waits until the next crossing signal or something? What stops him from doing that? Why is it that nothing can forestall the inevitable?
White Light: I'm not entirely sure what's going on here. Some sort of book of Revelation end times rapture thing?
Votes:
1.) God Forsaken
2.) Swashbuckled
3.) Nameless
John Dunbar
correct about everything
Some quick comments, barely put any thought into this so will vote later. I put my frighteningly accurate guesses in spoiler tags as not to ruin the fun for the rest of you.
___________
Baby Shoes: I liked the hint in the title, made what might otherwise have felt predictable feel inevitable. This is clearly a story by
The City You Once Loved: Interesting read, though I feel it somehow could have done a better job name/identity stuff. I don't really know, just felt there was potential to be more. Can it be doubted this was written by
.
Divine Protection: You could say this was a, hehe, divine comedy. There were some good jokes here, and good writing overall. At the end I was left feeling a bit conflicted, not sure what it exactly was that I should interpret as the meaning of the thrown harp. Without a doubt the work of
.
Fakir and the Prince: Prince playing the pauper has been done to death, but this had a nice flow to it. Felt more like the start of something than an wholly realized story. No question about it, this was written by
.
For the Want of a Dream: I liked the story, but the structure of it made it a bit of a chore to read at times: it felt like most of the sentences began with “Ford” or “He”, which made it feel repetitive. Some variation might give some life to the writing. Certainly the handiwork of
.
God Forsaken: This felt a bit heavy, on the first read had trouble following what was going on and what they're motivations were. Might want to work on presentation. It is clear as day this was by
.
Hexenjäger: Was hoping some Gabriel Knight stuff to be going on, and I guess it sort of was. I liked the duel, but overall felt a bit too conventional for my liking: there really wasn't anything noteworthy about this particular witch in the woods. There's ingredients here for a more potent broth. Obviously a tale by our resident German,
.
Lonely Planet: Very exotic. The planet seems a nice place to be if you got happy thoughts. Nice read, the only thing I could think to improve is maybe make the relationship between Sid and Mino more interesting, Sid ended up feeling rather useless in the story. Who could disagree that this was by
.
Nameless: Enjoyable fairytale, easy to read. Not sure how I feel about the ending, but I liked how it got there. This has been written by the one and only
.
No One: I enjoyed the wordplay. That's pretty much all I can say. A classic
piece.
One Last Mission: That's how them terrorists are made, I suppose. Good story, but I was left feeling that the overarching events were more interesting than the story being concentrated on. Could be nothing but a production of the mind of
.
Still Creek: It was a good ghost story, but I kept waiting for it to do something different. Disappearing people in old photographs just screams The Shining to me. Not a big deal, but Amanda was Angela at the start. No doubt this was by
.
Swashbuckled: A pirate named Neckbeard is already worth the price of admission. Kept it light and breezy the whole way though. An enjoyable romp by none other than
.
Things that make my heart beat faster but not in a horror kind of way: Short but sweet, I liked the family, so that's always good. More babies, this time alive. Who else could this be but
.
Ties that Bind: A bit confused: at first it seems that the guy is just crazy, but later it feels like this might not be meant to be very realistic, so who knows. That's a bizarre lesson. Surely a piece by
.
Where's the fun in that?: Sort of reminded me of Slaughterhouse-five, coming unstuck in time and all that. Enjoyable read, surely a yarn by
.
White Light: The biggest problem this was the lack of editing. It has, but even a single read-through is enough spot a lot that could be polished. But it's good when it's good, just feels unpolished. The last of the batch is without a doubt by
.
__________
___________
Baby Shoes: I liked the hint in the title, made what might otherwise have felt predictable feel inevitable. This is clearly a story by
GRW810.
The City You Once Loved: Interesting read, though I feel it somehow could have done a better job name/identity stuff. I don't really know, just felt there was potential to be more. Can it be doubted this was written by
Pau
Divine Protection: You could say this was a, hehe, divine comedy. There were some good jokes here, and good writing overall. At the end I was left feeling a bit conflicted, not sure what it exactly was that I should interpret as the meaning of the thrown harp. Without a doubt the work of
Mike M
Fakir and the Prince: Prince playing the pauper has been done to death, but this had a nice flow to it. Felt more like the start of something than an wholly realized story. No question about it, this was written by
B-Dubs
For the Want of a Dream: I liked the story, but the structure of it made it a bit of a chore to read at times: it felt like most of the sentences began with “Ford” or “He”, which made it feel repetitive. Some variation might give some life to the writing. Certainly the handiwork of
Carlisle
God Forsaken: This felt a bit heavy, on the first read had trouble following what was going on and what they're motivations were. Might want to work on presentation. It is clear as day this was by
Chainsawkitten
Hexenjäger: Was hoping some Gabriel Knight stuff to be going on, and I guess it sort of was. I liked the duel, but overall felt a bit too conventional for my liking: there really wasn't anything noteworthy about this particular witch in the woods. There's ingredients here for a more potent broth. Obviously a tale by our resident German,
Nezumi
Lonely Planet: Very exotic. The planet seems a nice place to be if you got happy thoughts. Nice read, the only thing I could think to improve is maybe make the relationship between Sid and Mino more interesting, Sid ended up feeling rather useless in the story. Who could disagree that this was by
Cyan
Nameless: Enjoyable fairytale, easy to read. Not sure how I feel about the ending, but I liked how it got there. This has been written by the one and only
Ashes
No One: I enjoyed the wordplay. That's pretty much all I can say. A classic
kaepernickehs
One Last Mission: That's how them terrorists are made, I suppose. Good story, but I was left feeling that the overarching events were more interesting than the story being concentrated on. Could be nothing but a production of the mind of
Aaron
Still Creek: It was a good ghost story, but I kept waiting for it to do something different. Disappearing people in old photographs just screams The Shining to me. Not a big deal, but Amanda was Angela at the start. No doubt this was by
Ourobolus
Swashbuckled: A pirate named Neckbeard is already worth the price of admission. Kept it light and breezy the whole way though. An enjoyable romp by none other than
Tangent
Things that make my heart beat faster but not in a horror kind of way: Short but sweet, I liked the family, so that's always good. More babies, this time alive. Who else could this be but
Ward
Ties that Bind: A bit confused: at first it seems that the guy is just crazy, but later it feels like this might not be meant to be very realistic, so who knows. That's a bizarre lesson. Surely a piece by
SquiddyCracker
Where's the fun in that?: Sort of reminded me of Slaughterhouse-five, coming unstuck in time and all that. Enjoyable read, surely a yarn by
Sober
White Light: The biggest problem this was the lack of editing. It has, but even a single read-through is enough spot a lot that could be polished. But it's good when it's good, just feels unpolished. The last of the batch is without a doubt by
Bootaaay
__________
Huh, I didn't even notice the extra day. Eh. I suppose I could get around to it.
First critique - I can't stand 2nd-person viewpoint stories. They were written well, though.
EDIT: Goddammit, I don't know why I thought it was Tuesday today.
First bunch of comments. Will get to some wild guesses when I read the rest.
Baby Shoes
This felt like a whole lot "beginning". The complete story is just building towards that on final sentence and for my taste the build up is too long especially since it was to be expected that something would go wrong.
The City I once Loved
I loved the first paragraph. It just had such a soothing tone that you remain throughout the story. I'm not entirely sure what the city stood for though. Some kind of place that our sould dwell in before we are born?
Divine Protection
It's a funny idea and was executed well. The ending seemed a bit to forced for me. Of course it is funny in a way but also way too random to believable
Fakir and the Prince
Nice premise. I would have wished there would have been just a little bit more to the Fakir side of the story. I think it would have given the contrast between the two oppositions more impact.
For the Want of a Dream
Takes way too long to start and there is actually to much detail. The ending and the conclusion was very sweet but the danger in the scavaging scene didn't feel pressing enough to uphold it.
God Forsaken
The plot gets muddled in all the questions and exclamations. I got the feeling that there was an underlining story that I was supposed to know to get the whole picture.
Hexenjäger
I really liked that one. The dialogue was funny and the action well written. I don't think I have anything to bad to say about it. Well, maybe the way the witches speech was written was a bit hard to read one or two times, but that is all.
Lonely Planet
The describtion of the forest was nice and trippy. I don't understand what the message was supposed to imply at the end though. Did the forest grow "hostile" because of the negative thoughts or did it eat all the good thoughts? In the second case it would be strange that Sid loves it so much because he would have had similar experiences.
Baby Shoes
This felt like a whole lot "beginning". The complete story is just building towards that on final sentence and for my taste the build up is too long especially since it was to be expected that something would go wrong.
The City I once Loved
I loved the first paragraph. It just had such a soothing tone that you remain throughout the story. I'm not entirely sure what the city stood for though. Some kind of place that our sould dwell in before we are born?
Divine Protection
It's a funny idea and was executed well. The ending seemed a bit to forced for me. Of course it is funny in a way but also way too random to believable
Fakir and the Prince
Nice premise. I would have wished there would have been just a little bit more to the Fakir side of the story. I think it would have given the contrast between the two oppositions more impact.
For the Want of a Dream
Takes way too long to start and there is actually to much detail. The ending and the conclusion was very sweet but the danger in the scavaging scene didn't feel pressing enough to uphold it.
God Forsaken
The plot gets muddled in all the questions and exclamations. I got the feeling that there was an underlining story that I was supposed to know to get the whole picture.
Hexenjäger
I really liked that one. The dialogue was funny and the action well written. I don't think I have anything to bad to say about it. Well, maybe the way the witches speech was written was a bit hard to read one or two times, but that is all.
Lonely Planet
The describtion of the forest was nice and trippy. I don't understand what the message was supposed to imply at the end though. Did the forest grow "hostile" because of the negative thoughts or did it eat all the good thoughts? In the second case it would be strange that Sid loves it so much because he would have had similar experiences.
I suppose I can add in some short critiques then; All names are total guesses!
Baby Shoes - Definitely saw the ending coming, given the tone of the rest of the story, but I feel it would have been better served with some description of the aftermath. Nothing too extravagant, maybe just a sentence or two more. Dialogue was done very well throughout though. -
The City You Once Loved - I can't stand second-person, which is disappointing, because I really liked the imagery. -
Divine Protection - Pretty funny - some of the things were a bit ludicrous, but I mean, it's heaven, so...I guess anything goes. I like the full circle on the harp though. Reminds me of: "Remove everything that has no relevance to the story. If you say in the first chapter that there is a rifle hanging on the wall, in the second or third chapter it absolutely must go off. If it's not going to be fired, it shouldn't be hanging there." Anton Chekhov -
Fakir and the Prince - The "prince masquerading as a poor dude" has been done over and over, but I enjoyed the writing style. More of an example of taking something tried and true and sticking with the formula, doing it well. Pretty good. -
For the Want of a Dream - Some typos distracted me throughout the story. The narrator sounds like he has ADD as he's describing things, jumping around from item to item in the room. I just didn't think the exposition flowed as well as it could have. The story of going through a tremendous amount of trouble for something sentimental is interesting enough, but I didn't really get too much of a sense of emergency from his actions. -
God Forsaken - At the risk of sounding dense, I was having a terribly difficult time following along with what was happening. I got all of the Norse mythology, I feel like I ended up, after a re-read, getting the general gist of everything, but it could have used a bit of polish. -
Hexenjager - Pretty standard fairy tale core story. I liked the interaction between the witch hunter and the witch, even though I thought it may have gone a bit long. -
Lonely Planet - Interesting concept. I like how the plants fed off of their emotions, reflecting how anxious Mino was. I think that the last line of the story was a bit in-your-face, though. But to be honest, eating "himself alive' is different than "eating the nearest plant alive." I understand the intent, but maybe a different method of reflecting his emotions through the plants could have been better. -
Nameless - I thought the descriptions of everything leading up to the MC conquering his fear were done well, but I have no idea what that threshhold was supposed to represent, nor did I see where the woman and child fell into place. Seemed like something needed to be explained that just wasn't. -
No One - NO ONE ANGRY. NO ONE SMASH! -
One Last Mission - Again, not a fan of second-person perspective. I'll have to re-read this one, because it was a slog for me the first time. -
Still Creek - I imagine if you mashed The Shining up with Silent Hill, you'd get this story. It's too vague, though. I don't understand how the girl (Amanda/Angela?) fits into everything given that she's been around before the plot started. -
Swashbuckled - I rolled my eyes a bit at Neckbeard, but the story itself was interesting. Why didn't/couldn't the people just turn around from the Misty Veil if they were disappointed in the outcome? -
Things that... - Liked the little non-twist at the end. I don't know - the concept was interesting, but the journal-style writing seemed a little off to me. I might just be off my own rocker, but it didn't work for me. -
Ties That Bind - This one was freakin' weird. I like it. The story was all over the place, but just the silliness of everything like the Monster in a...ball pit in a...kebab shop or that the prophet was using frogs kept me entertained. I think it could have used a bit of tightening up and focus, though. -
Where's the fun in that? - I like Groundhog Day-style stories. This one wasn't really all that original, but I thought that it was presented well. I enjoyed the dialogue between the two, and despite the fact that I don't see how he couldn't avoid being in that intersection by, say, flying to China that day, I still liked it overall. -
White Lights - Wow. That is a lot of words for what is ostensibly...two whole minutes of actual action. The exposition really hampered my understanding of where the action bits actually were, and I think a bit of the story itself was lost on me. -
Baby Shoes - Definitely saw the ending coming, given the tone of the rest of the story, but I feel it would have been better served with some description of the aftermath. Nothing too extravagant, maybe just a sentence or two more. Dialogue was done very well throughout though. -
SquiddyCracker?
The City You Once Loved - I can't stand second-person, which is disappointing, because I really liked the imagery. -
Boootaay?
Divine Protection - Pretty funny - some of the things were a bit ludicrous, but I mean, it's heaven, so...I guess anything goes. I like the full circle on the harp though. Reminds me of: "Remove everything that has no relevance to the story. If you say in the first chapter that there is a rifle hanging on the wall, in the second or third chapter it absolutely must go off. If it's not going to be fired, it shouldn't be hanging there." Anton Chekhov -
B-Dubs?
Fakir and the Prince - The "prince masquerading as a poor dude" has been done over and over, but I enjoyed the writing style. More of an example of taking something tried and true and sticking with the formula, doing it well. Pretty good. -
Mike M
For the Want of a Dream - Some typos distracted me throughout the story. The narrator sounds like he has ADD as he's describing things, jumping around from item to item in the room. I just didn't think the exposition flowed as well as it could have. The story of going through a tremendous amount of trouble for something sentimental is interesting enough, but I didn't really get too much of a sense of emergency from his actions. -
Ashes
God Forsaken - At the risk of sounding dense, I was having a terribly difficult time following along with what was happening. I got all of the Norse mythology, I feel like I ended up, after a re-read, getting the general gist of everything, but it could have used a bit of polish. -
Cyan?
Hexenjager - Pretty standard fairy tale core story. I liked the interaction between the witch hunter and the witch, even though I thought it may have gone a bit long. -
Nezumi
Lonely Planet - Interesting concept. I like how the plants fed off of their emotions, reflecting how anxious Mino was. I think that the last line of the story was a bit in-your-face, though. But to be honest, eating "himself alive' is different than "eating the nearest plant alive." I understand the intent, but maybe a different method of reflecting his emotions through the plants could have been better. -
Pau
Nameless - I thought the descriptions of everything leading up to the MC conquering his fear were done well, but I have no idea what that threshhold was supposed to represent, nor did I see where the woman and child fell into place. Seemed like something needed to be explained that just wasn't. -
Tangent
No One - NO ONE ANGRY. NO ONE SMASH! -
kaepernickehs
One Last Mission - Again, not a fan of second-person perspective. I'll have to re-read this one, because it was a slog for me the first time. -
Aaron
Still Creek - I imagine if you mashed The Shining up with Silent Hill, you'd get this story. It's too vague, though. I don't understand how the girl (Amanda/Angela?) fits into everything given that she's been around before the plot started. -
Vincent Alexander?
Swashbuckled - I rolled my eyes a bit at Neckbeard, but the story itself was interesting. Why didn't/couldn't the people just turn around from the Misty Veil if they were disappointed in the outcome? -
Carlisle
Things that... - Liked the little non-twist at the end. I don't know - the concept was interesting, but the journal-style writing seemed a little off to me. I might just be off my own rocker, but it didn't work for me. -
GRW810?
Ties That Bind - This one was freakin' weird. I like it. The story was all over the place, but just the silliness of everything like the Monster in a...ball pit in a...kebab shop or that the prophet was using frogs kept me entertained. I think it could have used a bit of tightening up and focus, though. -
chainsawkitten
Where's the fun in that? - I like Groundhog Day-style stories. This one wasn't really all that original, but I thought that it was presented well. I enjoyed the dialogue between the two, and despite the fact that I don't see how he couldn't avoid being in that intersection by, say, flying to China that day, I still liked it overall. -
John Dunbar
White Lights - Wow. That is a lot of words for what is ostensibly...two whole minutes of actual action. The exposition really hampered my understanding of where the action bits actually were, and I think a bit of the story itself was lost on me. -
Azih?
And the rest:
Nameless
I liked how this story was about overcoming fears and how Nameless tries to strengthen himself by doing dangerous things. I didn't get the ending though. Has his fear been that of settling down? Responsibilty? I don't get it
No one
It has a nice flow, but otherwise I stay away from interpreting poetry because I'm not good at it.
One Last Mission
The second person narrative does nothing for the story. I think first person would have worked just as well if not better. All in all this felt a little bit to drawn out for my taste especially since I saw the ending coming after the first paragraph.
Still Creek
How can one not know if something is a farmhouse or a church? While the ending was nice and creepy I wasn't sure why his girlfriend was in the picture. Had she been a ghost all along? Or did the city absorb her? How does the man with the shotgun fit in?
Swashbuckled
It was a funny little tale and the twist at the end was surprising enough. There wasn't anything wrong with it really, but I must admit that I'm not really a fan of pirates. Though the name Neckbeard had me chuckle.
Things that make my heart beat faster but not in a horror kind of way
First of all, the title is too long. I'm not really sure what the narrators point in recalling that story is. There doesn't really seem to be any point to it. Just a collection of childhood memories containing one that might be slightly uncomfortable for a child of eleven, but other than that...
Ties that Bind
Not much to critique here. Really liked how it was wonderfully absurd without drifting into silly and thus maintaining the serious tone that was needed to carry the message.
Where's the fun in that?
Time travel make my brain hurt. I just automatically get thrown into a neverending loop of, but how, how, how? I liked the tone of the story and how it was told though, maybe the focus on the food was a bit too strong.
White Light
The word light in all its variations is used way too often. There are some minor mistakes like missing space after a period and double words. I don't know but there isn't really a story in that bulk of imagery.
Ok, now that this is done, some guesses. I'm gonna admit though that I'm really at a loss with most stories. I'm still realtively sure that "Hexenjäger" was written by Mike M. I'm also more or less sure that "Ties that Bind" is from Tangent. I think it was the talk about reading the future from frogs that just had a Tangent vibe for me.
Other than that I'm completly lost. I'm inclined to think that Aaron did not submit a story at all because none of them read like something by him. Ourobolus might have written "Lonely Planet" or maybe "Swashbuckled" or something entirely different. I have no idea what Ashes story might be because the stories that were a bit heavier on the dialogue (not that many this time around) didn't feel like his stuff at all. Cyan is another puzzle because the two stories that I think could have been by him I already attached to different people.
None of the stories were overly shocking so I have no way of telling which one was from chainsawkitten if he submitted one at all.
I had "Nameless" pinned on Tangent until I read the "Ties that Bind" so i have no clue who that might have been, maybe Pau?
Well, only the votes left I guess:
1.)Ties that Bind
2.)Hexenjäger
3.)The City you once loved
Nameless
I liked how this story was about overcoming fears and how Nameless tries to strengthen himself by doing dangerous things. I didn't get the ending though. Has his fear been that of settling down? Responsibilty? I don't get it
No one
It has a nice flow, but otherwise I stay away from interpreting poetry because I'm not good at it.
One Last Mission
The second person narrative does nothing for the story. I think first person would have worked just as well if not better. All in all this felt a little bit to drawn out for my taste especially since I saw the ending coming after the first paragraph.
Still Creek
How can one not know if something is a farmhouse or a church? While the ending was nice and creepy I wasn't sure why his girlfriend was in the picture. Had she been a ghost all along? Or did the city absorb her? How does the man with the shotgun fit in?
Swashbuckled
It was a funny little tale and the twist at the end was surprising enough. There wasn't anything wrong with it really, but I must admit that I'm not really a fan of pirates. Though the name Neckbeard had me chuckle.
Things that make my heart beat faster but not in a horror kind of way
First of all, the title is too long. I'm not really sure what the narrators point in recalling that story is. There doesn't really seem to be any point to it. Just a collection of childhood memories containing one that might be slightly uncomfortable for a child of eleven, but other than that...
Ties that Bind
Not much to critique here. Really liked how it was wonderfully absurd without drifting into silly and thus maintaining the serious tone that was needed to carry the message.
Where's the fun in that?
Time travel make my brain hurt. I just automatically get thrown into a neverending loop of, but how, how, how? I liked the tone of the story and how it was told though, maybe the focus on the food was a bit too strong.
White Light
The word light in all its variations is used way too often. There are some minor mistakes like missing space after a period and double words. I don't know but there isn't really a story in that bulk of imagery.
Ok, now that this is done, some guesses. I'm gonna admit though that I'm really at a loss with most stories. I'm still realtively sure that "Hexenjäger" was written by Mike M. I'm also more or less sure that "Ties that Bind" is from Tangent. I think it was the talk about reading the future from frogs that just had a Tangent vibe for me.
Other than that I'm completly lost. I'm inclined to think that Aaron did not submit a story at all because none of them read like something by him. Ourobolus might have written "Lonely Planet" or maybe "Swashbuckled" or something entirely different. I have no idea what Ashes story might be because the stories that were a bit heavier on the dialogue (not that many this time around) didn't feel like his stuff at all. Cyan is another puzzle because the two stories that I think could have been by him I already attached to different people.
None of the stories were overly shocking so I have no way of telling which one was from chainsawkitten if he submitted one at all.
I had "Nameless" pinned on Tangent until I read the "Ties that Bind" so i have no clue who that might have been, maybe Pau?
Well, only the votes left I guess:
1.)Ties that Bind
2.)Hexenjäger
3.)The City you once loved
Ok, a small helping hand, since it's really not going to be possible to guess folks who haven't posted.
Two of our writers were Branduil and Vengal. One more hasn't responded to my PM from this morning, so I'll just call them "mystery newbie."
I believe everyone else who submitted has posted in this thread.
Two of our writers were Branduil and Vengal. One more hasn't responded to my PM from this morning, so I'll just call them "mystery newbie."
I believe everyone else who submitted has posted in this thread.
toddhunter
Member
Makes sense.
I wanted to add some comments however dog decided to hurt its leg and have been busy, may try to add some tomorrow before work.
1.)Hexenjäger
2.)The City you once loved
3.)Ties that Bind
Honorable mention: Baby Shoes- Reminded me of a conversation I had with a family member recently.
Thanks for all the stories!
1.)Hexenjäger
2.)The City you once loved
3.)Ties that Bind
Honorable mention: Baby Shoes- Reminded me of a conversation I had with a family member recently.
Thanks for all the stories!
I should totally change my username to that.
I count three in that post, and you said four before. So who posted in between then and now? Ward?
Ha ha. It's definitely you now.
You got me. How did you know?
I can say for a fact that this is 100% true.
Yes! I'm a genius.
Less than six hours till the deadline and so far we have 4 out 17 votes. Read people, read!
John Dunbar
correct about everything
Votes:
1. Swashbuckled
2. Nameless
3. Lonely Planet
I may or may not have voted for myself. Just like Nezumi did.
1. Swashbuckled
2. Nameless
3. Lonely Planet
I may or may not have voted for myself. Just like Nezumi did.
Still moving through them myself. Not getting a lot of free time at work this week, so I'm sneaking a page or so every now and then on my phone. 6 to go. I'll get ranks and guesses up hopefully not long after the due time. Might have to skip critiques for the first time this week. Or else they'll be really short ones I'll post in a bit later.
Based on the votes and critiques so far the reaction to this challenge's entries seems quite diverse. I think I must be missing something because one or two of the most popular stories so far did nothing for me and my favorites haven't registered much fanfare.
But then maybe I'm just bitter that I seem to have bombed one again!
But then maybe I'm just bitter that I seem to have bombed one again!
British Monsoon
Member
1. Hexenjäger
2. Swashbuckled
3. Lonely Planet
HM; Ties That Bind, Divine Protection, Fakir and the Prince
2. Swashbuckled
3. Lonely Planet
HM; Ties That Bind, Divine Protection, Fakir and the Prince
Yeah I know, it was an early analysis. Some observations after the first quarter of play.
thelooseteeth
Member
I am no one!
edit:
1. Hexenjäger
2. Ties That Bind
3. Lonely Planet
edit:
1. Hexenjäger
2. Ties That Bind
3. Lonely Planet
I for one tried something different this time and I guess I succeded at least in being obscure enough that no one even remotly guesses which one was by me. Than again, that seems to be the only thing I succeded in this week
I didn't even hide mine, so I feel your pain on the second part.
Isn't voting supposed to run until midnight Pacific time?
- Status