I grew up in a Christian home and am a person of strong Christian faith myself. I never suffered sexual abuse, and never got into drugs or anything else deemed unhealthy. My family was happy and I was a mostly well-adjusted kid. Still, I knew I was different from about the age of 4; feeling
much more in common with girls than boys. I never wanted to do anything I felt would be disapproved of or bring stress to my parents, so I kept my feelings to myself as much as possible. I was a very quiet kid in school, and usually stayed in my own world...focusing mostly on drawing and eventually videogames for escape. I was always kind and considerate, and had empathy even for those that picked on me...so I never really ever got mad at anyone no matter what they did. Still, the bullying and derogatory remarks began seriously instilling the feeling that there was something deeply wrong with me, so I did my best to hide and fit in...although my efforts were not very effective. The occasional anti-LGBT+ church sermon, as well as extremely negative representation in the media, certainly didn't help matters.
I started disliking my body at a very young age, and the feeling was compounded by the fact that my body had a couple of genital abnormalities and malformations which I had to have surgery on when I was 11. (
I would find out only a couple of years ago that I was epigenetically effected by a drug called Diethylstilbestrol, which has since the 1940s caused millions of people to be born with many side effects, including many forms of sexual differentiation and gene abnormalities.) Slowly after that surgery, testosterone began slowly changing my body through puberty (although I would remain mostly asexual for the remainder of my life). The more my body changed, the more I hated my reflection and felt bad about myself. Finally around age 14, I saw post-op transgender woman
Caroline Cossey on The Phil Donahue Show...and realized there actually were others like me out in the world. I wanted to medically and surgically transition and live life as a woman, but I was still
far too scared to let anyone know.
Fast forward now 20-something years of trying my absolute hardest to live as a 'regular guy' out of fear of rejection from all I held dear, as well as a fear that God disapproved...even though it was never anything I ever chose to feel, and often fought hard against and tried to pray away. Living through all that time trying to fit into the role opposite my own gender identity caused me eventual intense self-hatred, depression and anxiety, and eventually suicidal feelings. For a couple of years, I actually felt it was better for me to die and take my secret to the grave rather than risk losing everyone I loved. Eventually, I decided it would hurt everyone worse if I killed myself, so I decided to give my life one more chance by doing what I had wanted to 20 years earlier...I decided to come out as transgender and begin transition.
Now, I am a post-op transgender woman three years into full gender transition and have never felt happier. I am finally comfortable with myself and have some self-confidence, and my previously crippling depression and anxiety have disappeared. I am incredibly grateful I did not end my life, and I see each new day living as my genuine self as a blessing. My faith in God has never been stronger…I finally feel at peace in my body, and I am thankful for the empathy and compassion the life I have been given has helped me have for other people of all walks of life.