It's Valentine's Day, and for some of us that means curling up on the couch for an intimate night with a beloved game. Maybe you'll use this sacred day to stuff chalky candy hearts in your mouth and revisit your favorite love interest. Perhaps you will be lulled to sleep by Garrus Vakarian's sultry musings about calibrations.
The perfect end to a perfect day.
But cruel fate dealt us a raw deal. There are many NPCs who will neither kiss, flirt, nor fuck your avatar. What is to be done?
Let's take a moment to put on some smooth jazz and remember all the NPCs that remain off-limits to our horny hearts. Here are some of the Polygon staff's favorite non-romanceable NPCs.
Ben Kuchera:
So listen, keep in mind I was 22 when the game came out. But Orta. Orta forever. I wrote this for her 17 years ago:
Dear Orta,
I realize that you've spent all of your life held captive because you're like a bred weapon or something, but I think you're really cute. The gray hair owns me, and the fact that its cut so it comes to a point under your face is bad ass beyond description. Not having a lot of human interaction, you may not realize it, but you're really hot.
You probably haven't been on many dates since you've been locked up since you were born, but if you went out with me I would totally pay for the movie (we could go see Dragonheart, Reign of Fire, or, erm, Willow or something) and afterwards we can find a secluded spot and have a few drinks and get to know each other. It'd be really fun, and I'll make you a mix tape and stuff.
I'm guessing that you and the dragon are just friends, but if you could tell him not to bite my head off if I tried to put my arm around you, it would be really great and I would appreciate it. I promise to be a perfect gentleman. Also, can I try firing your weird organic bone-looking gun thing? My roommate has a few rifles and we can trade and take turns killing things. It'll be a really good time.
So Orta, will you go out with me? Check yes or no.
More here
......uhmm, yeah.
