Support NeoGAF

[Seth C]

Would you say your biggest problem with your roommate, Seth, was that he didn't trust you enough to tell you, or that he was gay at all - and didn't tell you - so you could avoid some of the bullying you got, etc..?

What I mean is, would have you done anything different if you even had that information, or did you just want him to be honest.

Well, it was obvious he was gay from the moment you met him, so I wouldn't have moved out or anything. I had the opportunity (I think in the first two weeks you were free to move) and didn't. It was mostly that he wasn't honest with me about it. Probably the only thing I'd have done differently, if he had been open with me (and I suppose with those around us) is stood up for him against the asses. At least then, when they joked around I could have said, "Yeah, he's gay. Big deal? Fuck off." Sort of had my hands tied on that because he wasn't honest about it, not even with me. I once heard him complain about a "fucking flamer" that was hitting on him.

 

[Seth C]

I've only come out to my family. And I'm still at a point where I'm still somewhat uncomfortable around people who are openly gay. (It's just that I feel awkward, not that I'm afraid of rape or something). One of the main things I'm looking forward to about college, though, is to basically start over with my social life, and I'm hopeful that there will be others in similar positions.

For now, I'm inclined to take the majority opinion, and not bring it up for the time being.

Okay, see, this bothers me. You're gay, and YOU are still uncomfortable being around openly gay people? Yet you expect a straight guy to be comfortable LIVING with you and sleeping 4 feet away? Come on. How can that even be realistic? If that is akward for you, imagine it for him when he figures it out. :/

 

[Seth C]

I've only come out to my family. And I'm still at a point where I'm still somewhat uncomfortable around people who are openly gay. (It's just that I feel awkward, not that I'm afraid of rape or something). One of the main things I'm looking forward to about college, though, is to basically start over with my social life, and I'm hopeful that there will be others in similar positions.

For now, I'm inclined to take the majority opinion, and not bring it up for the time being.

Okay, see, this bothers me. You're gay, and YOU are still uncomfortable being around openly gay people? Yet you expect a straight guy to be comfortable LIVING with you and sleeping 4 feet away? How can you expect that? If it's akward for you, it's going to be very akward for him. Especially if he's not used to having gay friends.

Where is this guy from, do you know? That'll help figure out how likely he is to be comfortable with it. If he's from Smalltown, Arkansas this may be something fairly new for him. If he's from a big city, you've got much less to worry about.

 

[FoneBone]

Nashville.

So, maybe we both need to adjust. Big deal.

 

[Seth C]

Nashville.

So, maybe we both need to adjust. Big deal.

You're both from Nashville? What school are you going to, if you don't mind? I'm just curious. I almost went to school there myself.

Either way, if he's from the south, you might worry. Hopefully he's from inside the city of Nashville, as it is fairly liberal/modern.

 

[samus4ever]

what if the room mate is posting a similar topic in another forum? that would be crazy!

 

[shoplifter]

I realize that coming out is difficult. It took a good friend of mine nearly ten years to come out to my group of friends, and we all knew it anyway.

Honestly, I'd go ahead and tell him for all of the reasons Seth outlined. Look at college as a chance to be yourself for once, and not be scared/ashamed/whatever else of what you are. By doing it from day one, things may just be a lot easier for you.

Whatever you choose, stick with it.

 

[Seth C]

what if the room mate is posting a similar topic in another forum? that would be crazy!

That would be hilarious actually.

 

[Agent Dormer]

Wait until he finds you making out/having sex with a guy. Then you can say 'Surprise!'

 

[FoneBone]

He's from Nashville, I'm from Philadelphia.

 

[FoneBone]

Wait until he finds you making out/having sex with a guy. Then you can say 'Surprise!'

That's about the last thing I want to happen -- believe me, I'd tell him before I got in that situation.

 

[Seth C]

He's from Nashville, I'm from Philadelphia.

Well that looks better for you! Is the school in Nashville or elsewhere?

 

[Penguin]

I say you tell him once you get to school, I don't know telling someone something over the Net/phone is just so weird and akward, I mean you can never really tell their expression.

 

[Seth C]

That's about the last thing I want to happen -- believe me, I'd tell him before I got in that situation.

Well I don't think "So, Mike. I'm going to have this...guy...over tonight. His name is John. We might end up sharing my bed tonight. If you hear...noises...just don't mind it. Cool?" will work much better than a good "Surprise!"

 

[FoneBone]

See my first post -- not unless Nashville moved to New England when I wasn't looking...

 

[Seth C]

See my first post -- not unless Nashville moved to New England when I wasn't looking...

Ah, okay. Guess I overlooked that. Well, if he's coming from Nashville to New England to a liberal arts school you're probably just fine. I'd still tell him, to be sure, but I wouldn't expect a harsh reaction.

 

[Pimpwerx]

Get to know him, if he seems cool about it, let him know. If not, maybe keep on the dl. Then again, if you have a guy over and he finds out by walking in on you, that could be more awkward than telling him up front. Use your own discretion. PEACE.

 

[mrmyth]

I wouldn't tell him until about the eighth or ninth stroke......



Okay, now that we got that out of the way, meet the cat and decide then. Fuck whether he's going to need to make other arrangements or not. That's his issue. If he's worried about getting some of the gay on him tell him you're only contagious every 28 days when his girl is on the rag.
Seriously, who has fucking time in college to worry about your roomate's sexual orientation?

 

[open_mouth_]

You know, there's only one thing to do in the situation such as this and, quite frankly, I'm surprised no one brought it up...

FHUTA

He's bound to find out on his own.

 

[FoneBone]

You know, there's only one thing to do in the situation such as this and, quite frankly, I'm surprised no one brought it up...

FHUTA

He's bound to find out on his own.

*ahem*

FHUTA

 

[Poody]

I had a roomate that was gay. He had a gay voice and walked like a queer. I didn't mind though, however I always changed behind the closet doors.

 

[Mason]

I say don't tell him. Just become friends and it will come out sooner or later, but hopefully by then it won't be an issue. Besides, he could be gay and wondering the same thing about you.

 

[Penguin]

Well, if you want...

You could just casually ask him his thoughts on gay people...

you know like his religion, if he got a girlfriend, how he feels about gays, I mean you got to get to know him anyhow.

And if he has a problem with them, you can request a room change without having to worry.

 

[Spiritreaver]

This is quite an interesting discussion and I'm a bit surprised by some posts and happy with others. You say you're only out to your family right? To plan on being more open about it and completely coming out of the closet? Or is this going to stay within your family and close relations? You see, I'm "openly gay", but not blatantly gay. I don't flaunt it, I don't fit the stereotype at all. Basically if someone asks, I'll tell them the truth without a worry, but I don't tell them myself without a reason. Oh, I'm different online though. If you've ever talked to me online, you know and I'll bring it up quite a bit. This is only because it feels quite wrong for me to not be able to freely discuss it offline and whatnot.

Anyways, I'm totally with the people who say to wait and drop hints to be honest. As much as I hate to see another gay guy being forced to keep shut about it, when for how long have we had keep silence about this? My god, high school was fucking hell for me. But, for the sake of causing the least amount of trouble, you should start up a friendship first. Worry more about whether this guy suits your tastes as a friend, rather than if he's going to accept you as being game, and a lot of the time, the two go hand in hand. Just pay attention to his personality, how open minded he is (talk about religion and other beliefs, you can even slide in a question related to homosexuality here) what's his poltiical affiliation, if any. You can just try to make a good friend out of him regardless.

Or, is being with someone who doesn't like gays going to make you uncomfortable? IF hiding it is going to hinder your hopes to branch out your social life or you feelings towards doing that. You should tell him now, but in a very decent manner. Everyone in this topics seems to assume that he's going to tell him "Hey I'm gay! What do you think?". Be nice about it, don't make it your main point in your mail/discussion/whatever. Discuss your life first and bring it up later or as a way to reenforce a point. There are ways to mention it without screaming it in someone's ears, be smart about it, play it safe. Basically, if you're going to have a problem with a homophobic person, than telling him now is the best thing for YOU to do so you can get another roommate because then it would be your problem as well.

Just think about how you'd feel in each situation and go with what sounds best. No one here is going to have a certain answer for you to go about without fully understanding either person. We're only able to guess at what kind of guy this is and how he's going to handle things. Hell, he could even be gay himself like others mentioned and there wouldn't be a problem, or would there be?

 

[totoro'd]

I say, keep quiet and only admit to it if you're asked. That way, you can watch him when he's getting dressed/getting out of the shower/masturbating in bed late at night. Especially since most college guys are hot, from my experience.

If I were a guy, that's what i'd do

 

[Rocket Punch]

I say, keep quiet and only admit to it if you're asked. That way, you can watch him when he's getting dressed/getting out of the shower/masturbating in bed late at night.

Uhh, quite the fantasy you got going there... Anyways, compulsory ignorant comments such as "uhh maybe he's gay, and you can get in on together!" aside, I still think it's best to let him know as soon as you feel comfortable.


Fo those genuinely interested, not being fully comfortable around gay people when you yourself are gay is simply part of coming out. It's called internalized homophobia. It comes from years of dennying your true identity and going against all that you may have been brought up with. It's basically you hating the part of you that is gay, if you will. That homosexuality is "unnatural", "disgusting" or "sinful". It takes years of healing to unlearn all the downright wrong information that parents, society, church and the media throw at us.

I was lucky that my friendships were well established when coming out. My friends knew the person, not the guy with the different sexual orientation. People are more than just their orientation and when you think about it, there are more compeling issues why you would dislike someone than their sexuality. Try to get to know the guy more if possible. You've mentioned the two of you have exchanged emails. What does he sound like? I know it's not a for sure thing but some of his personality / level or maturity should come through on what he writes. Is he religious? What kind of friends does he hang out with? Ask him questions in conversation like manner and see what his responses are. Nothing to deep, just test the waters a bit.

 

[etiolate]

I think a big pinup of a dude on your wall will do the trick.

 

[nitewulf]

dont do the "drop hints" thing. whatever you do, do it straight up, direct. either tell him right now, in a casual way, and make sure to let him know that you are only telling him so that if he has a problem with it, he could switch rooms or whatever.
or dont tell him now, and just tell him if the situation comes up in conversation.

 

[madara]

no way no how over email, wait until you meet at least. Otherwise your imply like its something wrong.

 

[Spiritreaver]

dont do the "drop hints" thing. whatever you do, do it straight up, direct. either tell him right now, in a casual way, and make sure to let him know that you are only telling him so that if he has a problem with it, he could switch rooms or whatever.
or dont tell him now, and just tell him if the situation comes up in conversation.

This is far from good, especially if you're going into a situation blind. I have come out to a friend who I knew kind of well and was completely threatened, worst reaction I've ever had and first time I've ever been told I was going to get killed for whatever reason. But thi sis a long time ago. But since then I've learned to not be so "straight up" with people. Even if I do know the person.

I agree dropping hints is not the best way to do it, but I would rather he try to figure out his personality and thoughts on certain subjects before coming out to him, or thinking about it. That's the best way to do it really. And please be careful and smart about this. I don't want to scare you, but I've had a couple of problems like I mentioned earlier and it's not fun at all. So just play it safe and do your homework heh.

 

[Deleted member 1235]

are you an obviously gay dude?

maybe he will just figure it out on his own.

 

[Grizzlyjin]

I would just tell him on the first day somehow, I'm sure it will come up. He'll ask if you have a girlfriend or something like that. You wouldn't want to spring it on him like 3 months down the line, that might cause a more dramatic reaction. A friend of mine "came out" and to be honest I was very upset. I had to find out from my girlfriend at the time who told me about an incident that happen at a party. So I had to talk to him about it and wanted to know why he didn't tell me a long time ago. I understand that it isn't the easiest thing for some people to be open about, but I didn't like the lies at all...

 

[nitewulf]

This is far from good, especially if you're going into a situation blind. I have come out to a friend who I knew kind of well and was completely threatened, worst reaction I've ever had and first time I've ever been told I was going to get killed for whatever reason. But thi sis a long time ago. But since then I've learned to not be so "straight up" with people. Even if I do know the person.

sorry to hear that. i guess i was speaking from my perspective, im a very straight forward fellow and like being dealt with in a direct manner. hence girls dont stick around long w/ me
"do i look fat in this dress?"
"no i wouldnt say fat, not fat, a bit chubby perhaps..."
or
"now look, i dont want to watch 13 going on 30, so why not you go watch it, and since they are playing lord of the rings in the same time slot, let me go watch that. we'll just meet afterwards in front of the popcorn area!"
anyway, yeah, thats rough then...i'm kinda open about sexuality, so coming out to me wouldnt bother me, and i assumed everybody would act the same way as i would.
got threatened eh? rough, there are some absolute creeps out there...

 

[Nintendo Ate My Children]

I had a gay roommate my freshman year of college. Trust me, you won't have to tell him if you're gay or not. Even if you're not woo-hoo fabulous gay, it's pretty easy to tell. Unless your roommate is a little dense.

 

[kevm3]

You need to tell him unless you want to live in a shell... If your rooommate isn't going to be accepting of your behavior, YOU need to know and HE needs to know. Maybe he's not comfortable around gay people and would feel violated knowing that you kept it a secret. Is it right? Nah, but it may just be how he feels and he would appreciate knowing in advance. Plus, YOU knowing in advance would be highly beneficial for yourself. You get to know how 'free' you can be in living with him. If youcan't be as free as you like, it'd be best for you to get anew roommate as soon as possible.

 

[McLesterolBeast]

I thought my room mate was gay, but it turns out he's just slightly... girly. It almost seemed like he was dropping "hints", though apparently not. He's spent the good portion of his university career trying to convince his mom that he isn't.

The worst part for me was the uncertainty. Dropping hints is fine if you don't plan on being friends with him. When you drop hints, it sounds like you put far too much value on what he thinks of your sexuality ... almost like you're trying to test the waters and see if he wants to fuck you. If he starts to think that you want him sexually, you can forget about going anywhere with him.

First find out if he's the type to resent you for it. If he is, request a room change. If he isn't, then just flat out say it at an appropriate time. Dropping hints is the worst idea ever.

 

[Bog]

My freshman year roommate was gay. We all kind of figured, but he never said anything and I never asked. He came out to everyone a couple years later.

 

[RevenantKioku]

Freshman year, on my floor there was this guy who was quite flamboyant. His roommate never knew he was gay until he opened the door to see his roommate getting pounded from behind.
Now the dude's roommate asked not only to be moved, but for "emergency housing" because he was "frightened" of his gay roommate.
I agree with Seth on this.
This isn't right at all, but this shit happens.

 

[maharg]

I have never been a roommate at a college, but if I were to be one, and I had the opportunity, I would definitely try my best to determine major compatibility issues in advance. And yes, that would include religious belief and other potentially touchy subjects.

I don't see why orientation should be any different. I don't think it's wrong to be a vocally devout catholic or mormon, I just wouldn't want to live with one. There is no reason being the first to be more open should indicate shame, either. Telling the whole truth about matters that can have such a huge impact on your life for the next year is the less shameful path, if anything. I find the assertions to the contrary, quite frankly, bizarre.

 

[Rocket Punch]

I had a gay roommate my freshman year of college. Trust me, you won't have to tell him if you're gay or not. Even if you're not woo-hoo fabulous gay, it's pretty easy to tell. Unless your roommate is a little dense.

Funny thing, my roomate's girlfriend was asking me the other day why most gay men are effeminate, to which I answered: Those are the only ones you can tell are gay. The truth is, in most cases there is no discernible way to tell if someone is gay other than them coming right out and telling you so. Simply put, the stereotype fits only a very small segment of the community. I bet you your game collection you wouldn't know I'm gay unless I told you.

 

[Mike Works]

FHUTA

YOU DIRTY SON OF A SLUT

 

[Nintendo Ate My Children]

Funny thing, my roomate's girlfriend was asking me the other day why most gay men are effeminate, to which I answered: Those are the only ones you can tell are gay. The truth is, in most cases there is no discernible way to tell if someone is gay other than them coming right out and telling you so. Simply put, the stereotype fits only a very small segment of the community. I bet you your game collection you wouldn't know I'm gay unless I told you.

It's not just a matter of being effeminate, it's the awkward silence that happens when you're talking about girls. Which straight guys do, you know, all the damn time. If he doesn't turn his head when he sees a massive pair of snack trays walk by, that's a pretty good sign there's queerness about.

 

[iapetus]

Pre-college advice wanted: should I tell my roommate I'm gay?

That depends whether you're gay or not.

 

[fart]

one thing to note: if you tell him right out of the gates it will be equivalent to coming out to your entire school before you even get there. that's a much heavier consideration than what if he's uncomfortable with rooming with a homosexual man.

i say live your life and let him live his.