OriginalNameGuy
Member
You've only been living together for a month so she's in that stage where everything seems perfect to her. Give it a few more months and she will change her mind on her own.
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She wants to marry, but I don't
- Thread starter Majmun
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Houston3000
Member
21? Damn, you're swinging young there...
My take on it; she isn't very mature yet and that's what turns you off about her and what's keeping you from wanting to tie the knot. You're hoping to wait a while for her to mature into a responsible adult that you think you can count on for the rest of your life before you marry her. That's completely rational and makes sense but you can't just tell her she's immature since that would only come off as derogatory.
I think your situation is tough because she is still young and at this point and you two moved in together much too soon. Did she live with her parents or in a dorm room before moving in with you? I bet she just doesn't have any clue how to be a responsible adult on her own. I'm making a lot of assumptions but situations like this seem very common.
My take on it; she isn't very mature yet and that's what turns you off about her and what's keeping you from wanting to tie the knot. You're hoping to wait a while for her to mature into a responsible adult that you think you can count on for the rest of your life before you marry her. That's completely rational and makes sense but you can't just tell her she's immature since that would only come off as derogatory.
I think your situation is tough because she is still young and at this point and you two moved in together much too soon. Did she live with her parents or in a dorm room before moving in with you? I bet she just doesn't have any clue how to be a responsible adult on her own. I'm making a lot of assumptions but situations like this seem very common.
hahaha!
Op, I think you should just be straight with her. Tell her the truth that you don't feel ready for a big commitment like that and you need more time. If she can't respect your wishes than I think you should let her go. Marriage only works if both parties can compromise (and there will be a lot of compromising). If she can't do that then she isn't ready either.
SirIgbyCeaser
Banned
Some women want marriage just to get that part of their life over with. Make their parents happy that she's found a supportive partner, get children young so they can raise it while they're young. Beat their girlfriend to the dream scenario where they get to live the rest of their life with the love of their life. When they're 21 I think they believe that youthful "prince charming is your husband". And you're the one and there's meaning for why you two met and should be together.
And honestly I see no problem with that faminin logic. Because to marry someone is such a commitment, and nobody is perfect. And there is no perfect partners, there's only working on being together, and marriage is a memory and a promise to do just that.
And honestly I see no problem with that faminin logic. Because to marry someone is such a commitment, and nobody is perfect. And there is no perfect partners, there's only working on being together, and marriage is a memory and a promise to do just that.
21? Do her a favor and don't marry her. She needs to live her damn life a little bit before throwing it away with 1 person and kids.
I also don't get the point of marriage. Just being together isn't enough apparently, they need some arbitrary title and having half your money tied up in the likely divorce.
I also don't get the point of marriage. Just being together isn't enough apparently, they need some arbitrary title and having half your money tied up in the likely divorce.
SquiddyCracker
Banned
... this is coming from a guy who ended up deported over stalking.
I'm sorry for bringing this up, but you really shouldn't be handing out relationship advice just yet.
that is actually an interesting story..
I am from Denmark, my Father was from Iceland. In Iceland people use/used a lastname with the fathers name .. He was called Ólafur, so My last name should have been Ólafursson (son of Ólafur), but because Danish name rules didn´t allow for that back in 1975 (when I was born), I had to take his Lastname. His father was called Johann, so my name was Mikael Johannsson.
But in Denmark one of the most common last names is Johansen. Notice just one N and just one S. This led to people constantly misspelling my last name (even my first name, because in Denmark it is normally spelled Michael). I believe only 10 people in my life (not including family members) managed to spell my name right.
I moved to the Faroe Islands 15 years ago, and met my wife up here. But in this part of the world, it is also quite normal to use the fathers name in the lastname. So when we where about to get married, we agreed that I would take her last name instead. Because it would be stupid for her to be named Hanna Johannsson (Son of Johann).. and I could finally get people to spell my last name right for once..!
Now my last name is Bisp (Bishop in English). Short and easy, from ten letters down to 4 letters..
ok maybe not an interesting story for you--- but for me..!
OmegaTreeFish
Banned
there are actually certain tax benefits and stuff like that.
If you dont want to I think thats fine as long as your partner see it the same way.
To me its a show of commitment, not just to them but to both families. Its nice to celebrate that commitment as well.
Omegasquash
Member
Don't marry her. At all. If she's applying pressure to you then you need to tell her that you're not ready, and that it's too soon.
If she starts questioning your love, then back away until you're sure she won't catch you if you start running, and then start running.
If she starts questioning your love, then back away until you're sure she won't catch you if you start running, and then start running.
This is going to sound old fashioned, but this is why I wouldn't move in with a girl before getting married. I'm sure I'll get shit on for this, but that's just my personal philosophy. Easier if you need to break it off I guess.
That's what my wife and I did at least. I understand the "try it before you buy it" mentality...guess I got lucky.
That's what my wife and I did at least. I understand the "try it before you buy it" mentality...guess I got lucky.
SirIgbyCeaser
Banned
LoL, I got so screwed over you have no idea. Not many people go to jail for love, I wish I could prove how fucked up my situation was.
Also guess what, the girl that also got me convicted with lying wanted to be married 2 months in. And I said no to that, if I said yes I would probably not have been deported and I would have had her eloped.
But that's just another damn what if situation that I can't keep thinking about. I loved her a lot. Now i'm dating a prettier girl, but I still loved her so damn much.
OmegaTreeFish
Banned
I thought it was quite interesting. Being from the UK the surname is just carried on from the father. Hearing how its done in other cultures is cool.
MushroomSamba
Member
For what it's worth, I think Michael Bishop sounds a lot more badass than Mikael Johannson. I swear it's strangely familiar to an action movie character, but I can't place where it's from.
I'm an expert
Formerly worldrevolution. The only reason I am nice to anyone else is to avoid being banned.
My wife and I moved in about a month after meeting, married about 4 months later, and now been married for years with a son. Every relationship in life is different. The only good advice in this thread is you're too effing young.
Shao Kahn Brewing a Stew
Banned
8 months too early? Pfft; try 3 days. That's how long it took one of my ex. Holy hell, what a nightmare that was.
OmegaTreeFish
Banned
Everyone is allowed there own take on it. While I wouldn't do what you did I don't think the "try before you buy" method offers 100% reassurance either. I know people that lived together for years... they get married... it turns to shit. I have no idea what changed bar wearing a ring but something did.
My life is exactly the same as before being married and living together but we went full in on the commitment from the get go (shared bank accounts etc) and when we moved in after 3 months we actually bought the house together which is an even bigger commitment in my eyes.
-COOLIO-
The Everyman
details please :]
why would you do that?
demosthenes
Member
Really interesting perspective you have here on marriage and I disagree completely.
Marrying younger also leads to more divorces. The fact that she wants to marry so soon tells me she's impulsive.
8 months isn't enough to know someone, it's just not.
He could be heartbroken for a little while and find a girl that's actually better for him?
Yeah, there's no "right" way...guess just sharing my non-experience. lol
-COOLIO-
The Everyman
as true as that is, it deflates my marriage boner every time.
my marriage boner never inflates
Omegasquash
Member
Cray? Cray.
StrangeADT
Banned
Best friend after 1-2 dates? Wow. I've known my best friend since I was born (my brother) so given my 25 year history with him I doubt 2 dates are gonna result in a new best friend, regardless of how well I get along with the date. Not everyone has that though. I know many people who can hardly sit in the same room with siblings.
Her being 21 is more of a warning sign than the 8 months thing. 21 year olds are impulsive, especially in modern (North American) society where the first half of your 20s is basically an extended adolescence for many people.
My wife an I started talking about marriage after about 6-7 months of dating. However, we were very close friends for about 6 months before we officially started dating, and had been living together more or less since day 1. I still had an apartment, but I always spent the night at her place before we officially moved in together after 5 months. We waited a full year before actually getting engaged, and over a year and a half from the engagement to the marriage. Been married 3 years now and together for about 6 years. I do agree that one month of living together is too soon to know if you are compatible domestically. Those stupid little fights may end up being more trouble than the relationship is worth when the honeymoon phase wears off.
My wife an I started talking about marriage after about 6-7 months of dating. However, we were very close friends for about 6 months before we officially started dating, and had been living together more or less since day 1. I still had an apartment, but I always spent the night at her place before we officially moved in together after 5 months. We waited a full year before actually getting engaged, and over a year and a half from the engagement to the marriage. Been married 3 years now and together for about 6 years. I do agree that one month of living together is too soon to know if you are compatible domestically. Those stupid little fights may end up being more trouble than the relationship is worth when the honeymoon phase wears off.
I'd leave her before she traps you with a kid or something. She's definitely won't be going to med school if shes married and has a kid.
Choke on the Magic
Banned
Two years and I got engaged. OP are you even marriage minded? If you're not bail out. If you really care about her just tell her you're stance on it whether it you never want to or you think that it's just too soon. You should only get engaged when you want to spend your entire life with that one person.
Shao Kahn Brewing a Stew
Banned
Day one: Took her to a museum. It was awesome; never thought of taking a date to museum and we had a great time.
Day two: Small talks over the phone.
Day three: Took her to a movie. We made out. When we left the theater, she said that "I always wanted my first kiss to be with my husband."
...
...
Err... Yeah.
She went cuckoo for coco puffs. She said that she wants me to introduce her to my family, she wants to take this further, get engaged, etc.
Damn girl; That shit's cray!
BONUS POINTS: She got engaged to someone else a month later.
FURTHER BONUS POINTS: She was a Virgin.
FURTHER BONUS POINTS: She was a Virgin.
quickwhips
Member
I was dating my wife for 5 years before I proposed. We waited another 2 years before we had money to marry. We have now been married for 5 years in october. I don't think you should rush into anything. You should do it once and make sure its the person that has your back no matter what and that you can sing or fart in front of also that you know you will still have attraction for 10+ years later. 8 months is two soon. We have been talking about kids and we aren't sure we we are ready yet. I'm 31(birthday is today) she is 28. so I hope this helps you in some way so you don't jump in and make a mistake that you will regret.
-COOLIO-
The Everyman
marriages and divorce are too much work. it should be as easy as enabling/canceling a magazine subscription
LOL WOW...was definitely husband shopping.
Bail the fuck out, man. Don't even look back. No reason she should be talking about that stuff this early.
OmegaTreeFish
Banned
I was just lucky to find that someone. I have a normal best mate as well who was my best man. When you have a partner who's your best friend its almost impossible to explain but its a best friend on a different level.
Loves a complicated thing I guess.
Basically if I could only pick one person to be with forever and everyone else disappeared it would be her.
Shao Kahn Brewing a Stew
Banned
Which is sad cause she was only 20 (I was 23).
I really don't know why:
1. Parents pressurize their kids;
2. Society pressurize post-teenagers;
3. People pressurize themselves and panic about "getting too old".
2. Society pressurize post-teenagers;
3. People pressurize themselves and panic about "getting too old".
You're not ready! Don't try to be ready!
but at least you got an Oscar for your performance..!
phosphor112
Banned
I married my wife after a year and a half. I knew here for many years before that though.
If you aren't ready. Don't lead her on, let her know.
Madness? Setting self up for divorce? I wouldn't generalize if I were you.
If you aren't ready. Don't lead her on, let her know.
Madness? Setting self up for divorce? I wouldn't generalize if I were you.
Shao Kahn Brewing a Stew
Banned
-COOLIO-
The Everyman
lawd
Gouty
Bloodborne is shit
I was going to say two year minimum but considering her age, I'd wait until she turns 25, 26.
demosthenes
Member
I don't have the report off hand ready to send to someone but divorce is at an all time low (so is marriage) but the reason divorce is, is that people are waiting longer to get married. I think that throws some evidence in that corner.
Omegasquash
Member
No man, don't wait...bail now. That age difference right there? That's some husband shopping. Alarms are going off telling me that she wants a stable man to support her while she does what she wants. This could be career, this could be stay-at-home mom (I know a woman that got married and plans to do this, which is why a marriage got put off until the gent was finished school).
Kind of one-sided. Abort mission, bail the fuck out, lots of gifs.
OmegaTreeFish
Banned
Im pretty sure over here in the UK divorce is at an all time high. Last time I heard about it it was anyway.
Christopher
BDE (Big Dad Energy)
Second she'll never be Beyonce, you gotta let it go man.
BriareosGAF
Member
Got engaged after a year, married six months later, our first child nine months after that. That was nine years ago this September--oh crap anniversary next month totally forgot--but we're pretty nerdy in our sympatico, I won't use that as a rule or guide. My previous relationship ended after almost six years when my ex-gf went slightly batshit crazy.
I see a discussion with the g/f going a couple of ways:
- No, we're not getting married. Do you want a commitment? We're living together and monogamous, you've got that.
- No, we're not getting married. Do you want children? Too bad, we're way too young. Getting married isn't going to change that.
- No, we're not getting married. Did you want a big party? Okay, we'll rent out a restaurant/have a BBQ and throw a big party for all our friends. Music and drinking, should be fun.
- No, we're not getting married. Are your parents/friends hassling you about this? Tell them to piss off.
- No, we're not getting married. Are you crazy and this is some wish fulfillment that you think will solve your problems and make you happy? Time for therapy or we're done.
Think that about covers it.
I see a discussion with the g/f going a couple of ways:
- No, we're not getting married. Do you want a commitment? We're living together and monogamous, you've got that.
- No, we're not getting married. Do you want children? Too bad, we're way too young. Getting married isn't going to change that.
- No, we're not getting married. Did you want a big party? Okay, we'll rent out a restaurant/have a BBQ and throw a big party for all our friends. Music and drinking, should be fun.
- No, we're not getting married. Are your parents/friends hassling you about this? Tell them to piss off.
- No, we're not getting married. Are you crazy and this is some wish fulfillment that you think will solve your problems and make you happy? Time for therapy or we're done.
Think that about covers it.
OP - it isn't even about you being ready for the commitment.
It's more that she hasn't demonstrated within the relationship things that make you want to make the commitment with her. And the sudden pushiness over legally binding your lives together as if it's a solution to some unseen problem is causing you to pause even more.
She strikes me as the sort to get married because it's what you're "supposed" to do. Find a suitable guy and get married. Except that's not a way to be happy, so she needs to realize that she needs to do more thinking and living, and get away from the high school junior 'checklist for happiness'. Right now she's trying to check marriage off of her list for getting a stable life. She has her 28 yr old man, she has stability, now time to star having kids, and mybe get bored in 10 years or so, and who knows what then? Find some 20 year old to sleep with who makes her feel young again? (unfair, I'm sorry. I'm in a mood.) I hate that stuff. So many of the girls I'm talking to are young and divorced with kids, and it's like...fuck.
She has to be worth the commitment, or else its a very risky investment. Yes. Love. Talking about it like it's business. Because the fuckers turned it into one.
It's more that she hasn't demonstrated within the relationship things that make you want to make the commitment with her. And the sudden pushiness over legally binding your lives together as if it's a solution to some unseen problem is causing you to pause even more.
She strikes me as the sort to get married because it's what you're "supposed" to do. Find a suitable guy and get married. Except that's not a way to be happy, so she needs to realize that she needs to do more thinking and living, and get away from the high school junior 'checklist for happiness'. Right now she's trying to check marriage off of her list for getting a stable life. She has her 28 yr old man, she has stability, now time to star having kids, and mybe get bored in 10 years or so, and who knows what then? Find some 20 year old to sleep with who makes her feel young again? (unfair, I'm sorry. I'm in a mood.) I hate that stuff. So many of the girls I'm talking to are young and divorced with kids, and it's like...fuck.
She has to be worth the commitment, or else its a very risky investment. Yes. Love. Talking about it like it's business. Because the fuckers turned it into one.
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