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[we.are.the.armada]

Take a look at how you argue. What are you arguing about? What ideas are conflicting? Is jealousy involved? Is money involved? What are big arguments like? Are you trying to change each other?

I notion that it is normal to argue, no matter the "size" of the issue, is subjective and some couples are fine with it while others can lead them down a road of resentment or contempt. Sometimes what you think is an insignificant argument may actually be making a larger impact. Ideally, you want to get married with somebody of similar interests and beliefs so that conflict can be avoided.

 

[Entropia]

If you aren't ready then you aren't ready. There should be no obligation from either party to get married if one does and the other doesn't.

 

[Byakuya769]

I've been with my current gf for over eight months now. We like each other, we have a lot of fun together. She even moved in with me. Sure, we argue about stupid things a lot. But that is a normal thing in a relationship.

The only thing that bothers me is marriage talk. Ever since she's been back from her internship she's been annoying me with that. She want to marry me as soon as possible and have kids etc. But I don't want to... yet. We've been for eight months together. ONLY eight months! Everything can change, it's too soon in my opinion.

I even told her that a man should propose, not a woman. But I only told her that to prevent her from embarrassing herself. Because I would definitely say NO.

Is eight months enough to make such a huge decision? I sometimes even think about breaking up with her, just to get rid of this marriage bullshit.

How long did it take before you got engaged, GAF???

We dated 2 years before I asked. Knew that I'd ask and she'd say "yes" a bit after a year.

 

[tapedeck]

1. Can you say you are absolutely in love with her without the least bit of hesitation
2. Do you get along? (sound dumb, but youd be shocked how many couples dont)
3. Do you trust her, and does she trust you?
4. Do you agree about family/potential kids/religion etc?
5. Is the sex good?

If you can answer yes to all these questions, stay with her and see where it goes. After another full year of a successful relationship then talk about marriage. If she loves you she'll wait.

 

[Ephemeris]

Day one: Took her to a museum. It was awesome; never thought of taking a date to museum and we had a great time.

Day two: Small talks over the phone.

Day three: Took her to a movie. We made out. When we left the theater, she said that "I always wanted my first kiss to be with my husband."

...

...

Err... Yeah.

She went cuckoo for coco puffs. She said that she wants me to introduce her to my family, she wants to take this further, get engaged, etc.

Damn girl; That shit's cray!

Spoiler

BONUS POINTS: She got engaged to someone else a month later.

FURTHER BONUS POINTS: She was a Virgin.

Spoiler

in my case, she didn't get engaged to anyone else later.

 

[phosphor112]

I don't have the report off hand ready to send to someone but divorce is at an all time low (so is marriage) but the reason divorce is, is that people are waiting longer to get married. I think that throws some evidence in that corner.

Still a generalization none-the-less. IIRC divorce rates are only really a problem in the western world.

 

[Meier]

8 months is insanely early. There are a lot of people who do it, but it's a dumb idea each time. 2 years minimum IMO.

 

[Ultima_5]

I haven't read this thread all the way through, but make sure she's still taking her birth control. You don't want to have an accident kid until you convince her that she's to young for that.

And in terms of convincing her? Show her this thread

Spoiler

don't

 

[demosthenes]

1. Can you say you are absolutely in love with her without the least bit of hesitation
2. Do you get along? (sound dumb, but youd be shocked how many couples dont)
3. Do you trust her, and does she trust you?
4. Do you agree about family/potential kids/religion etc?
5. Is the sex good?

If you can answer yes to all these questions, stay with her and see where it goes. After another full year of a successful relationship then talk about marriage. If she loves you she'll wait.

This is a pretty good short 5 step process. I like these questions and then the "see where it goes". My problem w/ my last relationship (which ended @ 2.5 years) was #2. We just kept fighting. & #3, she couldn't trust me b/c of past problems. Crushed me but I had to end it.

 

[InvincibleAgent]

I had a gf like that. Some women just want to have kids early, and they see marriage as necessary in supporting that. If you don't want kids in the next year, bail. It's not going to go away unless she does.

My ex who wanted to get married, after I broke up with her, moved to Alaska, got married to someone and had a kid. And I'm glad I didn't get stuck with that.

 

[Prez]

we made ours in 12 days. Marriage is good when you are 100% dedicated and see her as a life partner rather then GF or fuckbuddy.

12 days? Might as well marry a total stranger.

 

[speculawyer]

A person that is 21 doesn't have a clue as to what they are talking about with such decisions.

 

[demosthenes]

Still a generalization none-the-less. IIRC divorce rates are only really a problem in the western world.

http://www.*****************/news/a...later-life-figure-looks-set-drop-further.html

I don't want to make generalizations about the rest of the world in how their relationships work, so I won't.

And it's common sense, you stay together longer before you get married the less likely it is that you'll get divorced.

edit: http://www.mapsofworld.com/world-top-ten/countries-with-lowest-divorce-rate.html

Some of those on that list surprised me.

 

[Mr. B Natural]

Don't marry her.
But don't "bailout" either.

She romanticizes commitment and love. That's a good thing. But you have to be into it as well when you get married. So, be straight with her. "Look, it's too early for me. Please do not bring it up again. When the time is ready, I'll bring it up. That sounds fair, doesn't it?"
Have a conversation about it. Be truthful. Be stern but be compromising. Be yourself. Let her be herself as well.

But if you're one of those self-destructive folk who are afraid of commitment and loves the rollercoaster of drama, then yes, bail out, not for you but for her. You know her intentions. She's made herself clear. Stop the coaster for five seconds to let her off.

 

[akira28]

BONUS POINTS: She got engaged to someone else a month later.

FURTHER BONUS POINTS: She was a Virgin.

that girl was READY. ...and I don't mean marriage.


I don't like it when women get scary assertive over scary, life changing, lasting decisions like that. Particularly in a way that doesn't seem rational. Ok, fine, you're sure, you're ok with it, you've decided it's going to work out and you're going to roll the dice and live your life, but meet me halfway?

It's like some women just make the decision, without considering if it's the best for everyone involved. Like, is she even noticing that OP is balking over marriage? Is she thinking about the future? Is she asking herself things like 'what if we fall out of love'? Or is she floating in air, encapsulated by happiness, unable to imagine dissatisfaction with life or her spouse?

It just seems like she wants something that a marriage isn't.

Not 'it's too early for me' but, 'it's too early for us.' Because, besides what she wants, what about reality of only being together for 8 months? That's time to get to know someone, sure, but you won't Know them.

 

[mambadragon]

I'm with you its early. I proposed after 3 years of dating and then got married a year later. Waiting was a great decision, even more so living together for 3 of those 4 years. By then you really know the person, and frankly your past the point of the relationship being driven by sex.

If you are both adults, it is reasonable for her to clarify that you view the relationship as one that has a real possibility of marriage.

 

[MYE]

edit: Wait, why am I telling this shit on the Internet?

 

[Ultima_5]

A person that is 21 doesn't have a clue as to what they are talking about with such decisions.

I'm 21 and I can't even entertain the thought of having kids. I'm struggling with possible responsibility of getting a basset hound in a year

 

[Cubsfan23]

Don't do it.

 

[Jason's Ultimatum]

21 would be waaaay too young for me at your age.

 

[Big-E]

What's her cultural background?

 

[J-Rzez]

I've been with the same girl for 6 years now (she's now 29), we're establishing careers, we bought a townhouse together last year, and now I'm getting around to getting her a ring. There reasons why divorce rates are so high, and one of them is jumping in way too fast "just for the title". Once you live with someone for a period of time is when you'll know you're fully compatible.

 

[kswiston]

http://www.*****************/news/a...later-life-figure-looks-set-drop-further.html

I don't want to make generalizations about the rest of the world in how their relationships work, so I won't.

And it's common sense, you stay together longer before you get married the less likely it is that you'll get divorced.

edit: http://www.mapsofworld.com/world-top-ten/countries-with-lowest-divorce-rate.html

Some of those on that list surprised me.

Most of those low-divorce countries are heavily Roman Catholic or Muslim. Considering the stance on divorce in both those religions (strongly discouraged), I don't think that it's all that surprising. Divorce rates were pretty low 100 years ago in North America and Europe as well. People just put up with spouses they hated since divorce was not socially acceptable.

 

[Vagabundo]

I was with my GF 9/10 years before we got married. There is really no rush.

 

[kswiston]

I was with my GF 9/10 years before we got married. There is really no rush.

Were you highschool sweet hearts? Most of the people I know who waited a decade before getting married started dating when they were 15/16.

 

[Vagabundo]

Were you highschool sweet hearts? Most of the people I know who waited a decade before getting married started dating when they were 15/16.

Naw met in college through a friend, I was 21 she was 19.

 

[Petit Melon]

Been with my BF for over six years, still not married. We talk about it, but we both want to be sure everything will be okay, especially when we consider the sort of relationships our parents ended up having due to getting married too early.

Obviously every couple is different. One of my friends started dating her husband a couple months before I started dating my bf and they became engaged at six months, married at nine, and they're still together 6 years later.

I would talk about it with her. Communication is good for any relationship and if she doesn't communicate well with you or you can't communicate effectively together then it's better to find that out 8 months in instead of 2 years in.

 

[mooooose]

You'll know when you want to marry her. There isn't a set time. However, it's not surprising that you don't want to marry her that quickly.

There might be a discrepancy in experience because of the age difference, and her expectations might be different because of it.

I would be honest with her and if she continues to push you may have to bail out, because even if you do like her and could see a future, you guys aren't on the same page and that will cause a rift eventually.

Even when you DO think you want to marry her, wait awhile and make sure it's the right decision.

 

[Doodis]

If you're already thinking of dumping her just because she's bugging you about marriage, this thing is not meant to be.

Also, like everyone else says, 21 is too young to get married, generally speaking. Most 21-year-olds still have a lot of maturing to do.

 

[Mammoth Jones]

I've been with my current gf for over eight months now. We like each other, we have a lot of fun together. She even moved in with me. Sure, we argue about stupid things a lot. But that is a normal thing in a relationship.

The only thing that bothers me is marriage talk. Ever since she's been back from her internship she's been annoying me with that. She want to marry me as soon as possible and have kids etc. But I don't want to... yet. We've been for eight months together. ONLY eight months! Everything can change, it's too soon in my opinion.

I even told her that a man should propose, not a woman. But I only told her that to prevent her from embarrassing herself. Because I would definitely say NO.

Is eight months enough to make such a huge decision? I sometimes even think about breaking up with her, just to get rid of this marriage bullshit.

How long did it take before you got engaged, GAF???

Move on. The two of you seem to desire different things in life. No point in wasting each others time. I personally think 8 months is too early to move in. I also don't think a couple should move in unless they mutually agree they want to pursue a future together.

I dated my fiancee for two years. Then got a place together. Lived for a year together. Then proposed. So it was three years before I proposed.

 

[A.Romero]

I've been with my current gf for over eight months now. We like each other, we have a lot of fun together. She even moved in with me. Sure, we argue about stupid things a lot. But that is a normal thing in a relationship.

The only thing that bothers me is marriage talk. Ever since she's been back from her internship she's been annoying me with that. She want to marry me as soon as possible and have kids etc. But I don't want to... yet. We've been for eight months together. ONLY eight months! Everything can change, it's too soon in my opinion.

I even told her that a man should propose, not a woman. But I only told her that to prevent her from embarrassing herself. Because I would definitely say NO.

Is eight months enough to make such a huge decision? I sometimes even think about breaking up with her, just to get rid of this marriage bullshit.

How long did it take before you got engaged, GAF???

I have gone through something similar a few times. Dont do it! Dont give in because of preassure.

Take as long as you need to make a decision.

 

[Iadien]

21 is too young. Does she have any goals that she is actively pursuing? Or does she only want to get married and have children?

 

[rkn]

Just do it bro, you'll never find anyone better, don't believe these internet clowns.

 

[sprsk]

Been with my BF for over six years, still not married. We talk about it, but we both want to be sure everything will be okay, especially when we consider the sort of relationships our parents ended up having due to getting married too early.

Obviously every couple is different. One of my friends started dating her husband a couple months before I started dating my bf and they became engaged at six months, married at nine, and they're still together 6 years later.

I would talk about it with her. Communication is good for any relationship and if she doesn't communicate well with you or you can't communicate effectively together then it's better to find that out 8 months in instead of 2 years in.

Wife and I were together for 8 years before finally getting married.

There's no easy formula for these things. Plenty of people have arranged marriages and live happily ever after (of course the opposite is true too).

OP: Your approach is the right approach. If you don't want to get married yet, don't. If she actually really loves you then she'll wait (maybe begrudgingly but whatever, she'll get over it). If she's just a ticking time bomb of hormones that needs a dick to feed her full of babies RIGHT NOW then she'll break up with you and you'll find a girl more suited to you.

 

[JeTmAn81]

A person that is 21 doesn't have a clue as to what they are talking about with such decisions.

Not true in all cases. My sister got married at that age to her high school sweetheart. She then finished college, went on to receive a Ph.D before becoming a medical doctor. Then she had the first of her two children. They're still happily married 17 years later.

 

[BladeoftheImmortal]

I'm scared shitless of marriage talk and we've been together for 2 years now.

 

[BadAss2961]

Meme is a trueism.

lol

Don't do it man. You'll either end up divorced, in debt after she fucks up your credit, or murdered. Or all the above.

 

[alphaNoid]

I proposed to my wife at 10 months, I knew I wanted to marry her about 3 months in. Prior to her I was single for 10 years, mostly because I refused to settle on something that I didn't want. I found what I wanted, and I snagged that shit real quick like.

Before I met my wife (then gf) I was 100% convinced and 100% 'that guy' who believed whole-heartedly that one must/should date someone for 3-4 years before considering marriaged .. if only to be 'sure'. I will say this, that was very naive and innocent of me to think that. As you get older and you ride the dating scene you really start to realize how thin the herd is.

What I mean is, time and time again you will meet people who bore you, who are crazy, have issues.. but most important as you age.. have baggage. Kids, divorces, all kinds of shit that builds up over time before the meet you. As you get older, most of the 'good ones' (male or female) were long since snatched up by someone much more wise and smarter than you. They figured it out before you did. I have friends in their mid 30s who are fucking basically screwed. They cannot find a baggage free partner if their life depended on it, or the few there are have serious issues .. hence being single.

So by the time I met my wife I was on a dating binge. I was meeting people and going on dates with new people all the time, snore fest 3000. Every now and then I met a great girl, but it takes two to tango and if they weren't into me.. shit they weren't into me and thats that so I moved on. But when I met my wife and she was buying concert tickets and paying for stuff and doing other things that no other female ever had done in the history of my life .. I started to see more clearly. By then I knew what I was looking for and I soon realized that within seriously a matter of days ... I met my wife and I wouldn't make some bozo mistake of letting her slip away.

But thats not why I proposed really lol ... I just didn't feel like getting any older to get married. I wanted kids, she did and there was literally no reason to play pretend and drag things out. I proposed, and 9 weeks later we got married. Within a year had our son.

I would think that for most people its really best to take things slow. But never forget that there is no real time table to stick to. When its right, its right .. and trying to follow some silly rule will probably burn you in the end. Go with your gut, go with your heart. The OP doesn't sound remotely interested in getting married right now .... so my advice?

Tell your girlfriend you don't want to get married now. Then tell her if she continues to pressure you, she will only scare you away and it'll be her loss. Be honest, don't be coy .. if she doesn't change.. or better yet.. if she ultimately isn't your best friend and someone you can see yourself sitting in a rocking chair with when your 80 .. bail out.

Marry your best friend, nobody else. Don't marry a partner you've been with long enough that you think marriage is the next logical step.

 

[StrangeADT]

It's astonishing to me that people want to get married after any period less than 2 years. I've been with my girlfriend for 2 years, 8 months and I feel like I've only REALLY gotten to know her in the past 6 months or so. All those little things that you can't learn in a short period of time. Those imperfections that you either love or have to deal with, and learning whether you can deal with them. Nobody is perfect and you'll find things that bug you about EVERYONE, and really learning those nuances of a persons character takes time.

 

[zchen]

if you are not ready.....you are not ready. Discuss it with her and lay it out.

 

[Sky Chief]

Just tell her how you feel. If you can't even express these basic feelings that you have then how is a marriage ever going to work?

I really don't think you guys should have moved in together either, that makes no sense to me.

It seems like you're just happy to have something stable/easy and that there really isn't a very strong foundation here and now you don't want to rock the boat. I have read your posts and you really don't seem to be all that into her even though you say nice things about her. You have to be honest with her or you will not be happy in the long run.

 

[ToxicAdam]

I wouldn't be too hard on the girl. She's probably on cloud 9 and feels comfortable enough to share her feelings with you (which is a good thing). I'm assuming this is her first time living with a boyfriend (?), so it's probably a lot of emotions to deal with.

So, she's probably going to say some stuff that sounds crazy or 'rushed', but that's just the love talking. I think everyone's been in that position before.

 

[btkadams]

if you're having any second thoughts about a decision like this, then you should definitely wait. i know that some people get married after dating for mere weeks and end up in lasting marriages, but that shouldn't be a reason to do something you're personally not sure of. this is YOUR life.

i dated a guy for almost 3 years and then we broke up. the relationship was great while it lasted, but we ended up wanting different things. since you mentioned internship, i'm assuming you both are still pretty young. in that case, people seem to change drastically in their 20s. you don't know if both of you will actually want the same things in a few years. well, technically, you both want different things right now..

i personally would not consider marrying someone unless we had been dating for at least 2 years and had lived together.

 

[AgentP]

Anything under two year is madness. You're living together, that's good, do that for at least 2 or 3 years before deciding on marriage. If you manage to live together for a few years and stay in love and happy, then get married and start a family.

Doing so after 8 months? That's just setting yourself up for divorce.

This, and be sure you both are at least 28+ year old or you are too young and will just divorce.

 

[Dyno]

Deciding to get married is actually a really easy decision. When the time comes you will have no doubts and the answer will be obvious. If you're having doubts or if the subject makes you feel uneasy then you are absolutely not ready and shouldn't do it.

If she starts to pressure you heavy then she is probably not the one anyway.

 

[Majmun]

Second she'll never be Beyonce, you gotta let it go man.

No one will ever be like Beyonce. Forever pressed tbh ;__;

Take a look at how you argue. What are you arguing about? What ideas are conflicting? Is jealousy involved? Is money involved? What are big arguments like? Are you trying to change each other?

JEALOUSY. Yes, it's basicaly always about that. And she starts about it. She can go batshit insane when I go out with colleagues or friends. Don't know why she's worried so much.

1. Can you say you are absolutely in love with her without the least bit of hesitation
Well, I do like her her. A lot. But I could live without her. I just want to give this relationship a chance.
2. Do you get along? (sound dumb, but youd be shocked how many couples dont)
Yes
3. Do you trust her, and does she trust you?
Not always. I do trust her. But she doesn't, seems like it
4. Do you agree about family/potential kids/religion etc?
Yes. I always tell her that I want to settle down and have kids. But not NOW
5. Is the sex good?
Yes, she slays me in bed.

Answered those questions

What's her cultural background?

She's Dutch with French heritage. She's Christian, I was raised a muslim.
We both aren't religious.


And her parents would become furious if she'd marry me now. The priorities lie in her study. I always tell her that. But she's become very clingy ever since she moved in with me. And her parents went mad when she moved in.
I think I'm going to tell her to leave the house...

I'm not asking GAF for permission, or anything. Just wanted to know for how long it took you guys to get engaged. And the anwers seem to be all over the place. Like I expected.
It took my parents two years of dating before they got married and they are still married btw.

 

[LegendofJoe]

8 months is insanely early. There are a lot of people who do it, but it's a dumb idea each time. 2 years minimum IMO.

Why do so many people view this as a standard to go by? My now fiancee and I a few months back were just laying around together one day on the couch talking about life and the topic of marriage came up. We both started talking about it and come to find out we both knew that we were about as perfect for one another as you can get and that marriage was a foregone conclusion. At that point we had been together about as long as the OP has with his girlfriend. We have been living together since about the 6 month point too and I have no trepidation or hesitation with the thought of getting married and starting a family with her.

Basically, I think the answer for when is the right time is different for everyone. Baring outliers like 2 weeks or 10 years you can't really put a timeframe on it and definitively say when the right time to make a decusuon on marriage is.

 

[J-Rzez]

Naw met in college through a friend, I was 21 she was 19.

Best way to do it. You two know you're compatible at that point. If she's willing to wait for you, then they're worth being hitched to (and other way around). You get to know each other very well.

I can think of 3 friends that were married within 2 years, and soon as they were hitched and moved in together, thing went to hell. You don't really know someone totally until you live with them.

I was with my gf for 5 years before we moved in together, and since then I've seen sides of her/things she does that I never saw before, and I'm sure it went the same way for her. So I wouldn't see any problems in the future unless things take a dramatic swing for the worse somehow.

 

[RDreamer]

Took me 4 years of dating my wife before we got married. Anything less than 2 years would have been weird for me, since I've dated a few girls that long before her, and felt confident with those relationships too. So I had to make it past that hurdle. Other than that, marriages are expensive, so we had to wait for a good time for that, too.

OP, you just need to be open an honest with her. If she has a problem with what you really have to say, then it's not meant to be. Just tell her things are going great, and you're in it for the long haul. You guys can think about marriage, but at a later date. Now she should concentrate on her studies and just being normal young adult. You can go through the hectic hell of planning a wedding and paying for it later, and you'll have plenty of time to raise kids and all that stuff later. Just tell her to take a deep breath, live life, and be happy because you're in it for the long haul.

 

[SirIgbyCeaser]

No one will ever be like Beyonce. Forever pressed tbh ;__;



JEALOUSY. Yes, it's basicaly always about that. And she starts about it. She can go batshit insane when I go out with colleagues or friends. Don't know why she's worried so much.



Answered those questions



She's Dutch with French heritage. She's Christian, I was raised a muslim.
We both aren't religious.


And her parents would become furious if she'd marry me now. The priorities lie in her study. I always tell her that. But she's become very clingy ever since she moved in with me. And her parents went mad when she moved in.
I think I'm going to tell her to leave the house...

I'm not asking GAF for permission, or anything. Just wanted to know for how long it took you guys to get engaged. And the anwers seem to be all over the place. Like I expected.
It took my parents two years of dating before they got married and they are still married btw.

Sounds like her christian parents are mad she moved in before marriage and she's trying to make it up to them.