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The super duper Simpsons quote thread

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Laramie said:
"Marge I'm not going to lie to you." Continues reading.
Click to expand...

I love this one and have used it on many a girlfriend. :lol
 
"Smithers, are they booing me?"
"No, sir, they're saying, 'boo-urns'!"
"Are you saying 'boo' or 'boo-urns'?" (lots of booing)
 
el jacko said:
"Smithers, are they booing me?"
"No, sir, they're saying, 'boo-urns'!"
"Are you saying 'boo' or 'boo-urns'?" (lots of booing)
Click to expand...
"I was saying boo-urns."

Gawd, I just realized that half of my daily dialogue is Simpsons quotes.
 
Homer: Aw, twenty dollars! I wanted a peanut!
Homer's Brain: Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts!
Homer: Explain how!
Homer's Brain: Money can be exchanged for goods and services!
Homer: Woo-hoo!

Leonard Nimoy: Hello. I'm Leonard Nimoy. The following tale of alien encounters is true. And by true, I mean false. It's all lies. But they're entertaining lies. And in the end, isn't that the real truth? The answer is: No.

Announcer: Your cable television is experiencing difficulties. Please do not panic. Resist the temptation to read or talk to loved ones. Do not attempt sexual relations, as years of TV radiation have left your genitals withered and useless.
Wiggum (checking): Well I'll be damned.

Owner: Take this object, but beware, it carries a terrible curse!
Homer: [worried] Ooooh, that's bad.
Owner: But it comes with a free Frogurt!
Homer: [relieved] That's good.
Owner: The Frogurt is also cursed.
Homer: [worried] That's bad.
Owner: But you get your choice of topping!
Homer: [relieved] That's good.
Owner: The toppings contain Potassium Benzoate.
Homer: [stares]
Owner: That's bad.
 
Homer: How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?
 
You can't keep the Democrats out of the White House forever; and when they get in, I'm back on the street! With all of my criminal buddies!

Oh and also:

Look at me! I'm making people happy! I'm the magical man from Happy Land in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Laaaaaane!
...
Oh by the way, I was being sarcastic.
 
Leonard Nimoy: "Hello. I'm Leonard Nimoy. The following tale of alien encounters is true--and by true...I mean false. It's all lies--but they're entertaining lies, and in the end, isn't that the real truth? The answer ...is no."

edit: crap! beaten!
 
"This town is under the stranglehold of a few tie-dyed "tree huggers" who would rather play hacky-sack than lock up the homeless."

The acting makes it classic.
 
MiamiWesker said:
"I was saying 'boo-urns'"
Click to expand...
Hah, hans moleman!

"This is Hans Moleman in the morning. Good Moleman to you. Today, part four of our series about the agonizing pain which I live with everyday." (with the perfect delivery of "-day")
 
"Uh Springfield, my computer shows your T-437 is fully operational. Now I suggest you...oh my God, oh God no! Oh this can't be happening...thi—you're operating without a T-437 Springfield! Ahh sweet mother of mercy! I mean, I mean, my God!"
 
Cymbal Head said:
You can't keep the Democrats out of the White House forever; and when they get in, I'm back on the street! With all of my criminal buddies!
Click to expand...

In a similar vein:

Sideshow Bob: Your guilty conscience may move you to vote Democratic, but deep down you long for a cold-hearted Republican to lower taxes, brutalize criminals, and rule you like a king.

Bart: Oh my God! The dead have risen and they're voting Republican!
 
everytime i see this (which is criminally almost never) i bust a gut

Lisa: "Oh, Mom, please? You can make this my birthday and Christmas presents."
Marge: "You already used up your birthday and Christmas presents on that peach tree we got you. And you hardly ever play with that anymore."
Lisa: "Yes, I do. Sure, I do. Look!" [runs outside to said tree, singing in super high voice] "Lalalalaaaa.....Plllaaaaaaayyying with my peeeeach treeee moooommmmm!"
 
"Abortions for all" *boos*
"Very well, no abortions for anyone." *boos*
"Abortions for some and miniature American flags for others!" *cheers, waves flags*
 
talking head said:
everytime i see this (which is criminally almost never) i bust a gut

Lisa: "Oh, Mom, please? You can make this my birthday and Christmas presents."
Marge: "You already used up your birthday and Christmas presents on that peach tree we got you. And you hardly ever play with that anymore."
Lisa: "Yes, I do. Sure, I do. Look!" [runs outside to said tree, singing in super high voice] "Lalalalaaaa.....Plllaaaaaaayyying with my peeeeach treeee moooommmmm!"
Click to expand...

:lol :lol :lol

AWESOME.
 
Thread needs more Hank Scorpio

200px-Hank_Scorpio.png


Hank Scorpio: You will notice, my new best friend, that we are pretty casual around here.
Homer: Yes, sir. I will notice that. Very casual, Mr. Scorpion.
Click to expand...
Scorpio: Hey, before we continue our tour, would you mind hanging my coat up on the wall please?
Homer: Mmmhmm. Umuhh now let’s see now. Uuummm.
Scorpio: Ahaha. Relax, Homer, at Globex we don’t believe in walls. In fact, I didn't even give you my coat!
Click to expand...
P.A.: T minus 14 seconds.
Hank: If you need anything, you call me.
Homer: All right. What's the number?
Hank: I've never had to call my own company. Someone will tell you upstairs. But, Homer, on your way out, if you wanna kill somebody, it would help a lot.
Click to expand...
Marge: Mr. Scorpio, this house is almost too good for us. I keep expecting to get the bum's rush.
Hank: We don't have bums in our town, Marge, and if we did they wouldn't rush. They'd be allowed to go at their own pace.
Click to expand...
Scorpio: There's the Hammock Hut. That's on Third. There's Hammocks 'R' Us. That's on Third, too. You got Put Your Butt There. That's on Third. Swing Low, Sweet Chariot. Matter of fact they're all in the same complex. It's the Hammock Complex, down on Third.
Homer: Oh, the Hammock District?
Click to expand...
Homer: Uh...you have any sugar around here?
Hank: Sugar? Sure. [fumbles in his pockets, takes out a few handfuls of sugar] There you go. Sorry it's not in packages. Want some cream?
Homer: Uh...I...no.
Click to expand...
 
Homer: "What are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth so when they bark they shoot bees at you? Go ahead, do your worst!"
Burns: "My worst eh? Smithers, release the robotic Richard Simmons"
 
JodyAnthony said:
Homer: "What are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth so when they bark they shoot bees at you? Go ahead, do your worst!"
Burns: "My worst eh? Smithers, release the robotic Richard Simmons"
Click to expand...


:lol :lol oh man I love that episode
 
All of grandpa's interminable anecdotes, including:

"Not a lot of people know, I owned the first radio in Springfield. Weren't much on the air in those days, just Edison reciting the alphabet over and over. "A," he'd say. Then "B." "C" would usually follow..."

"...Now,I had an onion tied to my belt, which was the style at the time. To take the ferry cost a nickel, which in those days had pictures of bumblebees on them. "Gimme five bees for a quarter," you'd say. But the important thing was I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn't have white onions, because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones..."

"We always had walking bird on Thanksgiving, with all the trimmings, corn, injun eyes, and yams stuffed with gunpowder. Then we'd all watch football, which in those days was called baseball..."
 
Marge: "Your father can be surprisingly sensitive. Remember when I giggled at his Sherlock Holmes hat? He sulked for a week and then closed his detective agency."


hahahah, this is so genius. i love that there is absolutely no mention of this detective agency ever in the show. and that homer must have been pretty bummed for that week, finally giving up. brilliant.
 
Cymbal Head said:
All of grandpa's interminable anecdotes, including:

"Not a lot of people know, I owned the first radio in Springfield. Weren't much on the air in those days, just Edison reciting the alphabet over and over. "A," he'd say. Then "B." "C" would usually follow..."

"...Now,I had an onion tied to my belt, which was the style at the time. To take the ferry cost a nickel, which in those days had pictures of bumblebees on them. "Gimme five bees for a quarter," you'd say. But the important thing was I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn't have white onions, because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones..."

"We always had walking bird on Thanksgiving, with all the trimmings, corn, injun eyes, and yams stuffed with gunpowder. Then we'd all watch football, which in those days was called baseball..."
Click to expand...

:lol :lol

Tears.
 
Homer: Well, time to go to work.
Homer's brain: Little do they know I'm ducking out early to take the Duff Brewery tour.
Homer: Roll in at nine, punch out at five, that's the plan.
Homer's brain: Heh, heh, heh. They don't suspect a thing!
Homer: ...
Homer's brain: Well, off to the plant.
Homer: Then to the Duff Brewery.
Homer's brain: Uh, oh. Did I say that or just think it?
Homer: I've got to think of a lie fast!
Marge: Homer, are you going to the Duff Brewery?
Homer: *screams*
 
Blader5489 said:
Homer: Well, time to go to work.
Homer's brain: Little do they know I'm ducking out early to take the Duff Brewery tour.
Homer: Roll in at nine, punch out at five, that's the plan.
Homer's brain: Heh, heh, heh. They don't suspect a thing!
Homer: ...
Homer's brain: Well, off to the plant.
Homer: Then to the Duff Brewery.
Homer's brain: Uh, oh. Did I say that or just think it?
Homer: I've got to think of a lie fast!
Marge: Homer, are you going to the Duff Brewery?
Homer: *screams*
Click to expand...
:lol
 
I posted these in the song thread but they're loaded with quotes so here goes:

Stonecutters
Who controls the British crown?
Who keeps the metric system down?
We do! We do!
Who leaves Atlantis off the maps?
Who keeps the Martians under wraps?
We do! We do!
Who holds back the electric car?
Who makes Steve Gutenberg a star?
We do! We do!
Who robs cave fish of their sight?
Who rigs every Oscar night?
We do! We do!
Click to expand...

Planet of the Apes: the musical
Chimpanzee 1: Help! The human's about to escape.

Troy: Get your paws off me, you dirty ape!

Chimpanzee 2: (gasp) He can talk!

Orangutans: He can talk! He can talk! He can talk!
He can talk! He can talk! He can talk!
Troy: And I can siiiiiiiiiiing!

Chimp Nurse: Oooh! Help me, Dr. Zaius!

Orangutans: Dr. Zaius! Dr. Zaius!
Dr. Zaius! Dr. Zaius!
Dr. Zaius! Dr. Zaius!
O, Dr. Zaius!

Orangutan 1: Dr. Zaius! Dr. Zaius!

Troy: What's wrong with me?

Dr. Zaius: I think you're crazy.

Troy: I want a second opinion.

Dr. Zaius: You're also lazy
. Orangutans: Dr. Zaius! Dr. Zaius!
Dr. Zaius! Dr. Zaius!
Dr. Zaius! Dr. Zaius!
O, Dr. Zaius!
Orangutan 1: Dr. Zaius! Dr. Zaius!

Troy: Can I play the piano any more?
Dr. Zaius: Of course you can!
Troy: Well I couldn't before.
(plays piano)

Orangutans: Dr. Zaius! Dr. Zaius!
Dr. Zaius! Dr. Zaius!
Dr. Zaius! Dr. Zaius!
Click to expand...

Who needs the Kwik E Mart?
Apu: You see, whether igloo hut, or lean-to, or a geodesic dome,
There's no structure I have been to, which I'd
rather call my home.

When I first arrived, you were all such jerks,
But now I've come to looooooove your quirks.

Maggie with her eyes so bright,
Marge with hair by Frank Lloyd Wright,
Lisa can philosophise, Bart's adept at spinning lies,
Homer's a delightful fella, sorry 'bout the salmonella.

Homer: Heh heh, that's OK.

Apu: Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart?
Now here comes the tricky part.
Oh, won't you rhyme with me?
Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart?

Marge: Their floors are stick-E-Mart,

Lisa: They made Dad sick-E-Mart,

Bart: Let's hurl a brick-E-Mart,

Homer: The Kwik-E-Mart is real... D'oh!

OFF: Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart?

Apu: Not meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...[held for next three lines]

OFF: Forget the Kwik-E-Mart,
Goodbye to Kwik-E-Mart,
Who needs the Kwik-E-mart?

Apu: Not me.
Click to expand...

Monorail
Lyle Lanley: Well, sir, there's nothing on earth
Like a genuine,
Bona fide,
Electrified,
Six-car
Monorail!
What'd I say?
Ned Flanders: Monorail!
Lyle Lanley: What's it called?
Patty+Selma: Monorail!
Lyle Lanley: That's right! Monorail!
[crowd chants `Monorail' softly and rhythmically]
Miss Hoover: I hear those things are awfully loud...
Lyle Lanley: It glides as softly as a cloud.
Apu: Is there a chance the track could bend?
Lyle Lanley: Not on your life, my Hindu friend.
Barney: What about us brain-dead slobs?
Lyle Lanley: You'll be given cushy jobs.
Abe: Were you sent here by the devil?
Lyle Lanley: No, good sir, I'm on the level.
Wiggum: The ring came off my pudding can.
Lyle Lanley: Take my pen knife, my good man.
I swear it's Springfield's only choice...
Throw up your hands and raise your voice!
All: Monorail!
Lyle Lanley: What's it called?
All: Monorail!
Lyle Lanley: Once again...
All: Monorail!
Marge: But Main Street's still all cracked and broken...
Bart: Sorry, Mom, the mob has spoken!
All: Monorail!
Monorail!
Monorail!
[big finish]
Monorail!
Homer: Mono... D'oh!
Click to expand...

See my Vest
...some men hunt for sport,
Others hunt for food.
The only thing I'm hunting for
Is an outfit that looks good.
See my vest, see my vest,
Made from real gorilla chest.
Feel this sweater, there's no better
Than authentic Irish Setter.
See this hat, 'twas my cat.
My evening wear, vampire bat.
These white slippers are albino
African endangered rhino.
Grizzly bear underwear,
Turtle necks I've got my share.
Beret of poodle on my noodle it shall rest
Try my red robin suit,
It comes one breast or two...
See my vest, See my vest, See my vest.
Like my loafers, former gophers,
It was that or skin my chauffeurs,
But a greyhound fur tuxedo would be best...
So let's prepare these dogs,
Kill two for matching clogs!
See my vest!
See me vest!
Oh, please, won't you see my veeeeeesst!
Click to expand...
 
Sideshow Bob meeting the Parole board

Lawyer: But what about that tattoo on your chest? Doesn't it say, "Die
Bart, Die?"
Bob: No, that's German for "The Bart, The."
[The spectators laugh, understanding]
Officer: No one who speaks German could be an evil man.
 
Homer: Marge, I wanna be a monorail conductor.
Marge: Homer, no.
Homer: It's my lifelong dream!
Marge: Your lifelong dream was to run out onto the field during a baseball game, and you did it last year, remember?

Homer: Marge, you're standing in the way of my boyhood dream of managing a beautiful country singer!
Marge: Your boyhood dream is to eat the world's biggest hoagie! And you did it at the county fair last year, remember!?

Homer: I got a job at Burns' casino. As you know, it's been my lifelong dream to become a blackjack dealer.
Marge: Your lifelong dream was to be a contestant on "The Gong Show", and you did it in 1977, remember?
 
Homer: Oh, Lisa, you and your stories: 'Bart's a vampire, beer kills brain cells'. Now let's go back to that...building...thingie... where our beds and TV... is.

Marge: According to this book, the monorail goes over 150 miles an hour! What if something goes wrong?
Homer: "What if." What if I'm taking a shower and slipped on a bar of soap?... Oh, my God! I could be killed!

Nelson: Haha!
Millhouse: Hey Nelson, he's really hurt! I think he broke his leg.
Nelson: I said "haha".
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6f4Vc0vPwys

Marge: Homer, we're going to my sister's. Remember, pick up Bart.
Homer: "I'm on my way." [Watching Wheel of Fortune] heh heh heh... What'd you say Marge?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b7NMrYMdqCk
 
Marge: Now be good for Grampa while we're at the parent-teacher meeting. We'll bring back dinner.
Lisa: What are we gonna have?
Homer: Well, that depends on what your teachers say. If you've been good, pizza. If you've been bad... uh... let's see... poison.
Lisa: What if one of us has been good and one of us has been bad?
Bart: Poison pizza.
Homer: Oh, no! I'm not making two stops!
 
Dealer: 19.
Homer: Hit me.
Dealer: 20.
Homer: Hit me.
Dealer: 21.
Homer: Hit me.
Dealer: 22.
Homer: D'oh!

Although my favorite is on the episode Brother from the Same Planet where bart is watching tv after homer picks him up late after school and a commercial comes on for the bigger brother program...
(kid standing next to his dads grave)
Voice: Your dads gone isn't he
Kid: Mhm
Voice: He isn't coming back
Kid: He might
Voice: No he's not
:lol
 
the chris said:
Sideshow Bob meeting the Parole board

Lawyer: But what about that tattoo on your chest? Doesn't it say, "Die
Bart, Die?"
Bob: No, that's German for "The Bart, The."
[The spectators laugh, understanding]
Officer: No one who speaks German could be an evil man.
Click to expand...

That's what I loved about the simpsons, they'd take an excellent joke and finish it off with a quote like that.
 
Australian Guy: You call that a knife? ....THIS is a knife!

Bart:.....thats a spoon..

Australian Guy: Ah, I see you've played knifey spooney before...
 
Lionel Hutz: "Well, he's kind of had it in for me, since I kinda ran over his dog."

Marge: "Ya did?"

Lionel Hutz: "Actually, replace 'kinda' with 'repeatedly', and replace 'dog' with 'son'."
 
MrOctober said:
Lionel Hutz: "Well, he's kind of had it in for me, since I kinda ran over his dog."

Marge: "Ya did?"

Lionel Hutz: "Actually, replace 'kinda' with 'repeatedly', and replace 'dog' with 'son'."
Click to expand...

Been waiting for this one.

:lol
 
MrOctober said:
Australian Guy: You call that a knife? ....THIS is a knife!

Bart:.....thats a spoon..

Australian Guy:Ah, I see you've played knifey spooney before...
Click to expand...


Marge: I'll have a coffee.

Australian Bartender: Beer it is.

Marge: I said coffee.

Australian Bartender: Beer...

Marge: Cof-fee.

Australian Bartender: Be-er.

Marge: C-O...

Australian Bartender: B-E...
 
It is funny because it is true.

Homer: Hey Herman, I had to come out here to see what's so funny.
[gasps] A counterfeit jeans ring operating out of my car hole!
I'm going to tell everyone. Wait here.
Herman: Not so fast. [levels a gun]
Homer: [slows his gait] OK.
Herman: Maybe you should just stop entirely.
Homer: [stops] Herman, how could you? We've all thought about
counterfeiting jeans at one time or another, but what about the
victims? Hard-working designers like Calvin Klein, Gloria
Vanderbilt, or Antoine Bugle Boy. _These_ are the people who
saw an overcrowded marketplace and said, "Me too!"
-- Homer pleads on the side of capitalism, "The Springfield Connection"
 
Burns trifecta!

Burns: You know, Smithers, I think I'll donate a million dollars to the local ohanage... when pigs fly!
[They laugh. The pig sails across the sky before them.]
Smithers: Will you be donating that million dollars now, Sir?
Burns: Nooo, I'd still prefer not.

"One dollar for eternal happiness? … I'd be happier with the dollar."

And my favorite:

"Does anyone have change for a button?"
 
Homer: Gasp! Adam West! [calling] Kids! Batman
Lisa: Dad, that's not the real Batman.
Adam West: Of course I'm the real Batman. [shows a glossy] See, here's a picture of me with Robin!

Conan O'Brien: (laughs) Great material. We'll be right back. (Music starts, and Conan dances. Bart half-heartedly joins him) Sit perfectly still: only I may dance!

Billy Corgan: "Billy Corgan, 'Smashing Pumpkins'."
Homer Simpson: "Homer Simpson, smiling politely."


And I am shocked this one hasn't been said yet....

Worst
Episode
Ever.
 
McAllister (Sea Captian): "Arr, and that's the story of the very first Caramel Cod -- I mean halloween. And it wasn't long before this yearly custom became an annual tradition."
 
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