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Would you ever break up with someone over money?
- Thread starter Peltz
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It's not about being rich or poor, so much as it is about not wanting to take on a partner who has no means of providing for themself, no will to provide for themself, and who you will have to support for the forseeable future (perhaps the rest of your life). 50 years ago that's how everyone did it - husband makes the money and the wife stays at home. I wouldn't crap on somebody for wanting to be the sole provider for their family. At the same time this is 2015 and not the 1950's, and I wouldn't crap on somebody who wants or needs a more equal partner.
From what little detail the OP provides, it isn't "Oh I make $300K and she only makes $50K". His girlfriend is living with her parents and working temp jobs.....from which you can probably conclude she doesn't really even have the money to pay for a place to live or her own health insurance and other necessities. It sounds simple to just say "Well you love her so pay for her", but going that route can to build up a lot of resentment and negative emotion.
HalterGratis
Member
To me you seem to be dancing around the point; are you just afraid that she expects you to pay off her debts?
Or to be more on point; are you afraid that she only wants your money?
Do you only value her in terms of potential monetary value?
Or to be more on point; are you afraid that she only wants your money?
Do you only value her in terms of potential monetary value?
Little Nemo
Member
If you love her and are wanting to get married and she's helped you through hard times, why don't you two just work together as a couple to figure out how to overcome this problem rather than just throwing ultimatums her way?
This is a skill you're going to need if you're going to have a successful marriage. Maybe she doesn't know what to do or how to move forward? Maybe she could use your help like you've needed hers in the past? The fact she's responded she's willing to refocus her effort on trying to figure this out to keep this relationship together and regardless of that you're on GAF asking whether you should break up with her before you even know how that turns out is sort of troubling. It sounds less like you're looking for solutions to your problem and more like you just want ammunition or reassurance to break up with her.
Like you've got yours after relying on her support to get you through hard times, but now it's time to move on to greener pastures now that she's a liability. I think there's bigger underlying issues here than just money.
This is a skill you're going to need if you're going to have a successful marriage. Maybe she doesn't know what to do or how to move forward? Maybe she could use your help like you've needed hers in the past? The fact she's responded she's willing to refocus her effort on trying to figure this out to keep this relationship together and regardless of that you're on GAF asking whether you should break up with her before you even know how that turns out is sort of troubling. It sounds less like you're looking for solutions to your problem and more like you just want ammunition or reassurance to break up with her.
Like you've got yours after relying on her support to get you through hard times, but now it's time to move on to greener pastures now that she's a liability. I think there's bigger underlying issues here than just money.
You really think that his girlfriend is the only person in the world capable of making OP feel that way?
Same. I as well personally... Took me quite some time to get out as well as getting my sanity back...
You can share and spread the word, but most won't listen.
Edit. I don't consider myself a selfish person and love helping people, but in today's world being selfish is probably a worthy trait to have. I mean looking out for yourself exclusively.
Jon Carter
Member
I too wonder why someone with massive student debts wouldn't want to go back to school...
Can I ask how old she is? It can take time for some people to find what they want to do. For a while my wife thought I was lazy and didn't want to work. Which, in a way, was true. It turned out that it's not that I'm too lazy to work, it's just that I had a hard time thinking of a realistic job that would be a good fit for me. It took a while but now that I've found a job that I like, I don't mind working on Sundays until midnight if need be. I don't dread Mondays, I don't dread going to work, and I'm enjoying my life. I feel very lucky though. It doesn't pay very well, but it's good enough for now and I now know there is something I can do that I like that people would realistically pay me for. She probably has yet to find what that is for her.
She sounds pretty great. I'd wait before making such a decision. We're talking about whether or not you want her to stay with you until death do you part, if I were you I'd think very carefully about this. Money is important but love, companionship, kindness, understanding... Those are very precious. Out of all the important things in life, money is at the bottom of the list for me.
SapientWolf
Trucker Sexologist
She incurred this debt before you guys ever met, so legally it's her problem even if you got married. I wouldn't worry too much unless she's obviously trying to tap your funds to avoid having to support herself. That would be a turnoff to me regardless of how much money I was making.
Blackstarhat
Member
no
Stuggernaut
Grandma's Chippy
I think you are being pretty shitty. I mean (as others have said), unless she is expecting you to pay for everything and her loans and stuff... wtf man. You sound like you make good money, you either love her or you don't. Hell, student debt happens to a lot of people and it sucks.
Do both of you a favor, and end it, because it will just come back later to hurt you harder the next time.
Do both of you a favor, and end it, because it will just come back later to hurt you harder the next time.
ZackieChan
Member
Lol, that line made me laugh out loud. "Its only money bro, just help pay it off"
Yeah, if she was taking steps to do something about her situation then yeah, who wants a person comfortable to stagnate in debt.
Still sounds dickish though.
Have you even tried to help her? And I mean in a proactive sense, not just some throwaway comments about her life choices?
No wonder everyone thinks you're being a dick. There's no relationship that's easy - and you're flaking at the first real sign of difficulty.
No wonder everyone thinks you're being a dick. There's no relationship that's easy - and you're flaking at the first real sign of difficulty.
Agent Icebeezy
Welcome beautful toddler, Madison Elizabeth, to the horde!
If she is supportive of you and on the same page as you, then you should be there in the same capacity as well. My wife, went back to school, got her bachelors, shortly there after, got preggo with our son, she's been home since July 2013. When she goes back to work, she wants to work in the schools in some way, sub teacher, aides, etc... She found what she believes, and as a matter of fact, I believe as well, her calling as far as profession. She racked up a nice bit of change to just 'sub or help out during lunch. Bottom line, she's not going to make a lot of money and I'll cool with it. So, all financials will basically fall on me. It helps that I make more than the average two income household myself but the fact remains, given the monetary 'distance' between the two of us, we don't let that define us. Marriage is
That's how my wife and I roll.
Is she fine/happy with how much she makes? That's all that should matter. If you actually love her, then how much she makes shouldn't matter so much and you would want to help her pay back her student debt, not count it against her. This is especially true if you ever thought seriously about committing to her. Otherwise I'm thinking this is more of an excuse or something else that isn't directly the money aspect that is keeping you from committing, something deeper.
webkatt
Member
Drop her. I'm in a similar situation as OP. Have been supporting my SO paying off student loans, Masters program (which was quit on), cell phone, everything. We eat out on/order in on a daily basis because they can't be bothered to cook.
It's a free ride situation. I make enough money to not care about it but it does have a certain emotional toll which I feel is affecting me in a negative way. It like a festering hate that keeps growing. It's bad.
It's a free ride situation. I make enough money to not care about it but it does have a certain emotional toll which I feel is affecting me in a negative way. It like a festering hate that keeps growing. It's bad.
PaleFolklore
Member
I absolutely would. Especially if it was a situation where she seemed incapable of managing money. You aren't a dick. You're realistic.
Always-honest
Banned
Same.
Assuming she great and she is 't just there for the free ride.
Are you in love op? Because this isn't a question you would even ask yourself if you were.
There hasn't been any suggestion by OP that he finances her. Just that her financial situation is different to his and that he's scared he'll have to deal with that later..
Sounds like he cares more about the money than her.
I'm not suggesting thats a bad thing but he should do the right thing if thats the case and break up with her.
Barrylocke
Member
Based off of the OP alone, no that didn't seem like enough. But after reading the various things you posted later in the thread, then yeah, I can see it, especially if your mind is on what long term would be like.
I do wonder if you've ever talked to her about your concerns with her maturity or dreams for the future. It seems like the problem was one that you sensed but didn't really have words for until stuff like what entrement said made sense to you, so maybe with that newfound understanding you can create a better dialogue to see where she stands or wants to be, and if you can help her in anyway.
But of course it mainly depends on how worth it you feel the relationship is. And of course I've never been in this particular situation myself, so I can't give any personal feelings basedo n that.
I do wonder if you've ever talked to her about your concerns with her maturity or dreams for the future. It seems like the problem was one that you sensed but didn't really have words for until stuff like what entrement said made sense to you, so maybe with that newfound understanding you can create a better dialogue to see where she stands or wants to be, and if you can help her in anyway.
But of course it mainly depends on how worth it you feel the relationship is. And of course I've never been in this particular situation myself, so I can't give any personal feelings basedo n that.
I also have this issue. I make a lot of money from my job near a doctor's a salary. I'm 28 and I seem to meet and attract women who have not done much in their lives. I'm not fussed if I meet a girl who is 21 and hasn't done much. But if I meet a girl around my age and she hasn't really progressed in her career or has no prospects then I'm not that interested in a relationship. In my country there is no such thing as prenuptial the girl pretty much gets half you assets in divorce this is why I am carefully.
To Far Away Times
Member
If you are making 6X her salary you are probably doing really great, and she is doing about average? You know, what most people do...
I dunno, money is always an issue but if she is always there for you she is more than a student debt loan.
Do what you must OP, you seem unhappy, but you could easily end up less happy with someone who makes considerably more.
After a certain point (was it about $70K?) money stops mattering so much.
I dunno, money is always an issue but if she is always there for you she is more than a student debt loan.
Do what you must OP, you seem unhappy, but you could easily end up less happy with someone who makes considerably more.
After a certain point (was it about $70K?) money stops mattering so much.
thatfunkysimian
Member
Income is a temporary thing no matter how good it is you may find yourself in her situation one day through circumstances you cannot forsee. Would you feel comfortable being dumped because of this?
Perhaps it's the difference in motivation that bothers you? Clash of personalities? Find the true reason you want out before you do some serious damage.
Perhaps it's the difference in motivation that bothers you? Clash of personalities? Find the true reason you want out before you do some serious damage.
NoctisVsStar
Member
I mean before you met her she was in debt that's one. Second, it doesn't seem like she asks you for money but rather spends her own. Third, you claim she was with you during your downtime which is what ( three months ? ) and she hold you down during that time ? Which admitly is not that long lol.. To me that sounds disloyal as fuck. Now if you had certain high standards that needed to be met it would've been fair for her to know from the get go.
Like I would be with you if she had gold digger tendencies but that's not the case, she spends her own earned money however she sees fit. You're relationship at first seemed ride or die but once you started making money I'm getting the Bitch you wasn't with me shooting at the gym Vibe.
Just know if one day you're down and the job market is tough.. And your current partner wants to leave you, you have zero excuses to feel bad about it.
Would I break up with someone over money? Of course under specific circumstances but in this case nope.
Like I would be with you if she had gold digger tendencies but that's not the case, she spends her own earned money however she sees fit. You're relationship at first seemed ride or die but once you started making money I'm getting the Bitch you wasn't with me shooting at the gym Vibe.
Just know if one day you're down and the job market is tough.. And your current partner wants to leave you, you have zero excuses to feel bad about it.
Would I break up with someone over money? Of course under specific circumstances but in this case nope.
witchedwiz
Member
I rather see the op as not interested to be saddled with her already ongoing payment (student loan)..
If they fly off as a couple (marriage) i don't think he will complain about his money being shared for the family sake, but about the student loan, it's something she should take care of herself..
Imho
AdventureRacing
Member
Nope and thankfully my partner feels the same way. Pretty sure long term she is going to earn a lot more money than me.
Her financial situation and her lack of drive are not some unlucky and "gosh darnit!" situations that accidentally happened in a spur of a moment. These things tell you what kind of person you are dating. These are cornerstones of who she is and has become. Ask her why she went to college/uni/whatever? Because a lot her debt comes likely from paying for training to do what? The likely scenario is that she took on student loans because that is what everyone else did, she went to school because that is what she was supposed to do. That is poor judgement on her part, paying for something she had no drive to really utilize. That is like paying for a car that you never drive, its poor investment and speaks badly for her decision making.
Dating you she has no reason to change any of that, because her plan so far is pretty good, she found a guy who does make money and thus both problems will be solved.
If you get off on saving someone, then keep dating her. If that does not seem all that enticing then, and reading your topic, it seems that you are done, then run and find someone who at least is not looking for a knight in shining armor to save her.
Dating you she has no reason to change any of that, because her plan so far is pretty good, she found a guy who does make money and thus both problems will be solved.
If you get off on saving someone, then keep dating her. If that does not seem all that enticing then, and reading your topic, it seems that you are done, then run and find someone who at least is not looking for a knight in shining armor to save her.
Uh.. okay?
I don't know the specifics, but you're the proof of concept in this case, at least.
NoctisVsStar
Member
It's funny how it works at any time during your down time she could've easily left you for money reasons but she didn't.. Knowing Gaf if you created a thread saying so everyone would've jumped at her throat but I'll say this If you're that miserable don't prolong the Ineitable and just break up.
True Savior
Member
Gaf relationship threads are always weird to me. The problem is her....salary ?
If I hypothetically earn 100 times more than my girlfriend, I would never ditch her because of pay disparity.
The no-concrete plan is a phase people go through, especially in the face immense debt incurred for college fees. Give her time to adjust and help her come up with a plan that she is comfortable with. See how that goes first.
The no-concrete plan is a phase people go through, especially in the face immense debt incurred for college fees. Give her time to adjust and help her come up with a plan that she is comfortable with. See how that goes first.
ZackieChan
Member
Yep. "You earn more, so therefore it's okay to piss it away."
I've decided to stay with her for now, support her emotionally, and give her a dose of tough love rooted in honesty about her situation. I will not give her any ultimatums or anything of the sort, but I will leave her some day if I feel like she's still not taking her future seriously. I agree with people that say that this decision should not be about money, but rather about the content of her character and whether she is able... or even willing to pull herself out of the hole.
I will give her nothing but positive reinforcement in the coming months as we embark down this path as well.
I will give her nothing but positive reinforcement in the coming months as we embark down this path as well.
……forgetit
Member
Yes, but they'd have to be really financially irresponsible. Like a compulsive spender or something.
OP no offense intended but if marrying/spending the rest of your life is based on you're partners income level, I very much doubt you'll ever settle in with her, you're afraid of inheriting her debts there's nothing more to think about.
It sounds shallow but I guess you're more of a practical thinker, rather than let your emotions rule you.
It sounds shallow but I guess you're more of a practical thinker, rather than let your emotions rule you.
real_slime
Banned
i thought this was going to be about her owing you money or something not you having your nose in her bank accounts and saying they smell
talisayNon
Member
Look, if you're both broke as shit and it's hard to live I understand.
If you make a comfortable living just fuck off.
Seriously fuck off. You have somebody that loves you, who fits all your arbitrary criteria except for one, I say overlook it.
Money is only important to an extent.
I mean, what if you're an actor, "oh lel i make 47 times her salary" is not a way to think.
If you're on minimum wage and she doesn't work yeah a family and stuff isn't going to work out. But unless it's that extreme just don't be that shallow.
Moreover, people do can find new opportunities, all the time !
If you make a comfortable living just fuck off.
Seriously fuck off. You have somebody that loves you, who fits all your arbitrary criteria except for one, I say overlook it.
Money is only important to an extent.
I mean, what if you're an actor, "oh lel i make 47 times her salary" is not a way to think.
If you're on minimum wage and she doesn't work yeah a family and stuff isn't going to work out. But unless it's that extreme just don't be that shallow.
Moreover, people do can find new opportunities, all the time !
ClosingADoor
Member
I wouldn't break it off if everything else is fine. But until the debt is manageable and would not be a burden on me in case things do go wrong, I wouldn't do shared finances and such. That's just being practical.
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