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The NeoGAF Poetry Corner - Challenge #28: Dying Earth

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B

British Monsoon

Member
The NeoGAF Poetry Corner - Challenge #28: Dying Earth

dyingearth.jpg


Theme: Dying Earth

The Dying Earth subgenre is used to describe works of speculative fiction (or in this case, poetry) that combine elements of science fiction and fantasy and are set towards the end of the earth's natural life. Themes of world-weariness, innocence (wounded or otherwise), idealism, entropy, exhaustion/depletion of many or all resources, and the hope of renewal tend to pre-dominate. The Dying Earth genre differs from the post-apocalyptic genre in that it deals not with catastrophic destruction, but with entropic exhaustion of the Earth.

Secondary Objective: Blank Verse

Blank Verse is simply unrhymed verse that sticks to the same meter throughout. Although usually measured in iambic pentameter, you can use any meter you like. Here's an example of some blank verse from Shakespear's Macbeth;

Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day,
To the last syllable of recorded time;
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more: it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.


Poetry thread Rules version 1.2:
1. This thread is not merely for winning or losing, but for critiquing and improving your own craft.
2. This poetry thread 'contest' will end on a Friday, and voting will last until Sunday at midnight. You cannot win unless you vote. Although you don't have to submit a piece to vote.
3. The winner must then provide the next challenge theme for the following two week period. Some weeks like during E3, this may not be possible, so we will have an interim one week period until normality is resumed. As a general rule, we like to keep this on the alternate week to the Creative Writing Thread.
4. There are no word count limits, make it as long or as short as you want.
5. Optional secondary objectives are not mandatory, you can include them or not.
6. Further addition to rule five: you can also try the secondary objective as a secondary piece. Just make sure you label it as such.
7. Vote for your favourite poems. Voters should award first, second and third places to their favourite three poems. Don't vote for the same author twice. And watch out for pieces that are labeled ineligible - comments on these pieces labelled as such are welcome but you just can't vote for them. Incidentally, feel free to vote even if you haven't submitted a piece - the more the merrier :)
8. During the count, First place is allocated three points. Second place is allocated two points. And third place is allocated one point.
9. In the event of a tie, the tally will be counted again with first place being allocated three and half points. If it isn't resolved then, it will be up to the OP (most likely the previous winner) to decide to how to go about things.
10. Winner gets a round of applause and will have the records stating it as such. After which Rule 3 is in effect and we start a new thread.

Submission Deadline: Friday, June 24th at 11:59 PM (PST)

t1308985200z4.png



Voting Deadline: Sunday, June 26th at 11:59 PM (PST)

t1309158000z4.png



---

The NeoGAF Poetry Society: Previous Challenges:

Poetry Challenge #01: Reflection
Poetry Challenge #02: Making the Blind See (+ 5W poems)
Poetry Challenge #03: Interior (+ Incorporate a song or album title)
Poetry Challenge #04: History (+ Dream Song poems)
Poetry Challenge #05: A View From Afar or Within (+ Clerihew poems)
Poetry Challenge #06: The Surreal and the Fantastical (+ Haikus)
Poetry Challenge #07: Expectations versus Reality (+ Ode)
Poetry Challenge #08: Mirror's Edge (+ Rhymes)
Poetry Challenge #09: Look on the Bright Side (+ poem must end with _________________ as it's last line)
Poetry Challenge #10: Obsolete (+ Ink)
Poetry Challenge #11: Pride (+ Kanye West)
Poetry Challenge #12: Passing By (+ Allegory)
Poetry Challenge #13: Take this Society (+ Ballards)
Poetry Challenge #14: The Dark (+ Add Zombies to taste)
Poetry Challenge #15: The Great Winter (+ Elegy)
Poetry Challenge #16: What Nature Reclaims (+ Lay)
Poetry Challenge #17: Storm Clouds Rising (+ First Person)
Poetry Challenge #18: The Phoenix (+ Enjambment)
Poetry Challenge #19: Psychopomps (+ Assonance)
Poetry Challenge #20: Death in the Family (+ Limericks)
Poetry Challenge #21: A Night on the Town (+ Didactic Poems)
Poetry Challenge #22: A Letter to the World (+ Inside Outside Poetry)
Poetry Challenge #23: The Blues
Poetry Challenge #24: Space, Above & Beyond (+ Prose Poetry)
Poetry Challenge #25: Futurism (+ Avoid Technology)
Poetry Challenge #26: Prove You Exist (+Lyrical Poetry)
Poetry Challenge #27: Love, Happiness, Peace, Summer & Pixar! (+ Couplets)
 
B

British Monsoon

Member
The NeoGAF Poetry Society: Alumni's Archive

 
A

AnkitT

Member
Oy! Congrats on the win bootaaay! Couldnt vote(or get a proper, non-joke entry in) on the last one because I was travelling to college and had no net access.
 
A

Ashes

Banned
Congrats on the win bootaaay. I like the theme, and will probably try the secondary. This is what I like about the poetry thread, you learn without realising that it's being taught! meter is something all writers of poems, whether it's performed or not, or even mcs should consider.
 
C

Cyan

Banned
Slow, the End

Slowly, slowly.
Not earthquake, nor avalanche.
Not meteor, nor comet, not Nemesis come to collect
on a debt long overdue.

Not fire and flood, not nuclear winter.
No quick and easy death, no mercy.

But long senescence.

Inevitable the end, and glacial.
Hordes of hollow men look to the sky.
And know.
And know.

Thanatos tiptoes forth.
Not loud, but subtle.
Hooded, silent.
Deliberate.
All know he comes. All await his coming.

He comes.

Slowly.
 
I

iavi

Member
Upon the Town of Red & Blue. Repeat.

Sili had only just put his childhood down,
And already, was expected to put down all else.
Expected to try and smile upstream the blue river of tears,
As his eyes swam towards the grey,
Desperately avoiding the scene of red strung along the muddied ground.

His blood brother breathing not a sound.
The only slums-surviving member of his family,
The king of his admiration jungle,
Hunted to nothing with the sound of a snap,
And premeditated bullet in his crown.

It's always worked that way in this town,
And Sili knew this all too well.
But still, would damn his brother,
Damn himself,
Then take it all back only a day later,
As he laid his only love to the ground.

And in a torrent lies, he drowned;
The stories of accepted vengeance told by no one but himself.
Prompting him to quietly grasp for the guns from his brother’s shelf,
As if not to disturb, though no one was around to care.
Because, “Eija would want this,” he smiled widely—eyes wide,
Stepping from the door they used to share, picturing red upon the town.
 
I

iavi

Member
Bootaaay said:
I honestly wouldn't know where to begin. I've considered entering some competitions recently or submitting to a poetry & prose magazine I get (Ambit), but I don't feel like my stuff has the deeper meaning I think is often looked for, I'm all about the imagery.
Click to expand...

Haha, I'm your opposite. I'll have a clear idea of meaning, and will sprinkle imagery around it to fluff it up.

I wouldn't think too hard on it though. Your pieces are consistently amazing, and there always seems to be a meaning there. Give it a shot! I'm going to be sending some around myself.

...I don't have any clue as to where though. lol. I don't read any poetry publications.
 
I

iavi

Member
Hmm... I just got an idea for a second one. Thing is, I can't tell if I want to write it to fit the secondary, or if I want to go full steam whatever on it, and rewrite my first entry to fit the secondary objective.

It's pretty damn dark too.
 
N

Neutrality

Member
I wrote something.
It's hard to gauge if what I'm writing translates well to others.
I have the whole story in my head, but not in the poem.
Oh well, we'll see if it goes over okay.

Sunne

And so
Just like that
The lights went out

As if a patriarch
A mother or father
Said it was time for rest

"You've had your time
The dirt the baths could not undo
I've work in the morning, and only an hour to watch the news."

If only we had known
We could've held onto these days like steps up the stairs
Closer and closer to bed, to rest, to sleep

I had nightmares as a child
Ones about times like these
Sometimes I feel like I'm still dreaming

And then I swear I can hear my father

"This is only temporary"

And I can feel my fathers hands

"The sun will shine tomorrow"

And I can smile again

"And wake you from your slumber"

And turn off the lamp

"And I'll be right here"

And go to sleep.


_____


I wasn't sure if I should use the quotations around the Father's dialogue.
I mean it was obvious to me he was talking, but then again I wrote it.
Any feedback would be appreciated!
 
B

British Monsoon

Member
Oh crap, I've been doing a story for the creative writing thread and forgot all about the poetry thread this week - I've had my starting line since I put the topic up though, so I should be able to hammer something out before the deadline and it looks like we've already got a number of great entries.
 
I

iavi

Member
Bootaaay said:
Oh crap, I've been doing a story for the creative writing thread
Click to expand...

Awesome! It looks like we're going to have a ton of entries over there this time. That secondary objective is so much fun, I'm not surprised.
 
R

Reneledarker

Banned
Did my best, hope nothing got lost in translation.





The Stolen Eternity

I still remember those colorful days,
And I suffer too see how your colors fade,
Your smell, your taste, your landscape…
I remember those beautiful days,
When I could woke up early,
And admire your radiant light that has been stolen,
Stolen by the abuse of some rotten minds,
That thought they had the right to abuse you for all eternity,
But the time has come for you too abuse them for the rest of their days…

I wander through your corpses filled whit darkness,
Hoping to find some bright color,
That gives me back the illusion of knowing that I will live eternally at your side,
But I know that your eternity never had a future,
Because in you lived the most despicable being in history,
Now I just hope to be whit you until the end,
Listening the useless laments of foolish people,
That failed to take advantage of the earthly paradise,
For the false promise of a celestial paradise.





Feels good to write again, I think the last time I wrote a poem was like 5 years ago, I still need a lot of work, but practice and some pointers will take me back on track.
 
A

Ashes

Banned
kicking this thread up to the top of the pile....
@above. Awesome man. Write it in spanish if you want... we keep the poems in the archive, and somebody might know spanish...

Of course for us to understand it, it has it be in English... ;)
 
R

Reneledarker

Banned
Here's the Spanish version:

La Eternidad Robada

Aun recuerdo aquellos días coloridos,
Y sufro al ver como se desvanecen tus colores,
Tus olores, tus sabores, tus paisajes…
Recuerdo aquellos hermosos días,
Cuando me podía levantar tempranamente,
Y admirar tu luz radiante que te ha sido robada,
Robada por el abuso de unas mentes podridas,
Que pensaron que tenían el derecho de abusar de ti por toda la eternidad,
Pero el momento ha llegado para que tú abuses de ellos por el resto de sus días…

Deambulo por tus cadáveres llenos de oscuridad,
Esperando hallar algún color radiante,
Que me regrese la ilusión de saber que viviré eternamente a tú lado,
Pero se que tú eternidad nunca tuvo futuro,
Ya que en ti habitó el ser más ruin de toda la historia,
Ahora sólo espero poder estar contigo hasta el final,
Escuchando los lamentos inútiles de personas insensatas,
Que no supieron aprovechar el paraíso terrenal,
Por la falsa promesa de un paraíso celestial.
 
D

disappeared

Banned
at last

I have 18 minutes
to finish this poem.
In 18 minutes, the earth
could end
could it?
my lungs
your mouth
music
the park bench
her tight cunt
that I'd like to fuck again
wouldn't be
but the sun would still
shine
on the other planets
with their smiles
wrapped in space's bosom
in 16 minutes
I wouldn't need to take another shit
or worry
about this pain
that's been in my lungs
for a few months now
the doctor wouldn't have to check me out
and tell me
to quit smoking
in 14 minutes
 
B

British Monsoon

Member
From the ashes of empires we rose once more,
like ants scurrying from a ruined hill,
we spread forth from the hulking iron sentinels
that litter the remnants of the landscape,
a testament to our failed glory.

There, in the fallow fields and gnarled forests
civilisation set about rebuilding itself,
it's face young and different,
but soon pock-marked and scarred
by the same self-inflicted mistakes.

As the milk white sun shined down listless beams
that did little to nourish plant or soil
the cities rose once more
and the sun continued it's journey,
retreating in on itself.

And one day, when it has consumed it's all,
that feint fiery glow above will expand,
outwards, outwards, to embrace us as one,
like a mother clutching her dead child
tightly to her breast.
 
A

AnkitT

Member
The meteoric rise and fall
Pieces forced into the puzzle
We thrived peacefully
But it came to a violent end
Some feared it and ran
Others considered it a godsend
The skyline in flames
Premonition of the end of days
We, the dominant life forms
Now to be yesterday’s stale buffet
Scorched scales turn to soft tissue
As my retinas start to melt
The image last burnt in
All my friends are dead
The death of the planet
And we came along for the ride
 
A

Ashes

Banned
Lonesome Boat

Boat rock away,
Lonesome sitting in the lake,
I have no words for you,
when the English tongue is miles away.

Bent like steel married wood,
welt to make the mind kneel,
kindle so sweet,
steal a thought,
and run away,
parched,
drink up,
and let the ghost of horses free reign,
watch them embark over waterfall.

Soft tissue rain fall,
over the flower fields in full bloom.
No farmer's hand... only their statues made
of dust & ashes remain.
The domestic animal is all but gone.

Boat rock away,
Lonesome sitting in the lake,
I have no words for you,
when the English tongue is miles away.
 
A

Ashes

Banned
_________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________


The entries this week:

"Slow, the End"
By Cyan

"Upon the Town of Red & Blue. Repeat"
By Miri

"The Waning Earth"
By Tim the Wiz

"Sunne"
By Neutrality

"The Stolen Eternity" (Spanish version here)
By Reneledarker

"at last"
By disappeared

"From the ashes of empires we rose once more"
By Bootaaay

"Fossil"
By AnkitT

"Lonesome Boat"
By Ashes1396

_________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________

Voting starts....... now. :)

Crits are welcome as always, in whatever shape or form. Vote for your favourite three, order them 1,2,3. Add hms (Honorary mentions) for anybody else.... You can vote even if you have not entered. But ya can't win, if ya don't vote. ;)


Voting Deadline: Sunday, June 26th at 11:59 PM (PST)

t1309158000z4.png


And that's it. Good luck... looks like a good week; enjoy... :)
 
C

Cyan

Banned
1. Neutrality - "Sunne"
2. Bootaaay - "From the ashes of empires we rose once more"
3. Miri - "Upon the Town of Red & Blue. Repeat"

HM: Renele, Ashes
 
I

iavi

Member
So many good entries this time around. I'll go ahead and add crits after I think them over a little bit more, so for now...

My votes:

1. Neutrality - "Sunne"
2. Bootaaay - From the Ashes of Empires We Rose Once More"
3. Cyan - "Slow, the End"

HM: Tim the Wiz, Reneledarker
 
A

Ashes

Banned
1. Tim the Wiz - Creatively threaded with several concrete ideas.
2. Reneledarker - translation issues aside, you tried at least to make the blind see.
3. disappeared - unapologetic. No airs, nor graces.

More work and all three would have been very good.

Hm.
AnkitT - Some nice ideas, 'yesterday’s stale buffet', 'Scorched scales turn to soft tissue' &
'As my retinas start to melt', but the form and flow of the piece felt rushed. With a little work, could be awesome.

The rest:

Cyan - Good use of history and setting, if a little obvious.

Miri - loved the blend of scenes with colour. Very emotive but perhaps came on too strong.

Neutrality - like the use of story-telling to evoke an emotion, but the use of 'and' was unnecessary, specially in a poem.

Bootaaay - like the story, and engaged me fully from the second stanza on, however it's not the easiest poem to say aloud. Word choices need work perhaps.
 
N

Neutrality

Member
1st - Cyan - Really struck a chord with me. Love me some Thanatos references.
2nd - Miri
3rd - Bootaay

I understand your stance on the "ands" but I felt the repetition was necessary.
 
A

Ashes

Banned
Neutrality said:
I understand your stance on the "ands" but I felt the repetition was necessary.
Click to expand...

how come? was it an instinctive thing or something more qualified?

Reading it a couple of times, it draws unnecessary attention.
 
N

Neutrality

Member
It wasn't instinctive, it was deliberate.
I was trying to make the ending seem childlike in a sense.
Although it isn't like what I say matters at this point.
Haha.
I understand your constructive criticism and will take it into account next time!
 
A

Ashes

Banned
Neutrality said:
It wasn't instinctive, it was deliberate.
I was trying to make the ending seem childlike in a sense.
Although it isn't like what I say matters at this point.
Haha.
I understand your constructive criticism and will take it into account next time!
Click to expand...

Good. good.

The use of 'and' would indeed make it more child like.
 
A

Ashes

Banned
Hmm... 6/9 people voted... We could call it now... Having said that, tim & AnkitT usually get their votes in, and its midafternoon or thereabouts for them... so an hour or two for them both is fair enough I think...
 
A

Ashes

Banned
Added note to Tim's entry:

Generally speaking, I like spending time in a poem; after re-reading it multiple times, I think you grasped the idea of a dying earth better than anyone else, in my opinion.

This line is pretty cool:

mothers hold children and lie,
the year comes when you'll fly a kite.

edit: come to think of it, 'hurled prayers reach the cursed sky,' is a pretty cool opening..
 
A

Ashes

Banned
Results:

1. Neutrality – 12
2. Cyan – 8
2. Bootaaay – 8
3. Tim the Wiz – 7


Full results

1. Neutrality – 12
2. Cyan – 8
2. Bootaaay – 8
3. Tim the Wiz – 7
4. Miri – 5
5. Ashes1396 – 4
6. Reneledarker – 2
7. disappeared – 1
7. AnkitT – 1

The winner this week is...... "Sunne" By Neutrality. Congrats mate. Nearly a full house as well mate. well done... :p
 
N

Neutrality

Member
Wow.
Thanks guys.
Great entries all around.

So....
Now what do I do?
I was under the impression that Juniors cannot start new topics.
Or am I misinformed?
 
A

Ashes

Banned
pm'd you the info mate... either put across the theme etc here, so that somebody else can post it on your behalf, (ps, I'm going to bed now, :() or pm somebody you know, who isn't a jnr...

edit: pretty much everybody here has done a poetry thread before, so you're in good stead my man. Just take your pick really...
 
N

Neutrality

Member
Well Bootaay (or Cyan, both second place!), if you wouldn't mind doing the thread here are my choices for the theme/secondary objective.

23r4aw9.png


Theme: War
From Wikipedia: War is a state of armed and often prolonged conflict carried on between states, nations, or other parties typified by extreme aggression, societal disruption, and high mortality. War generally involves two or more organized groups or parties. Such a conflict is always an attempt at altering either the psychological or material hierarchy of domination or equality between such groups. In all cases, at least one participant (group) in the conflict perceives the need to either psychologically or materially dominate the other participant.
An absence of war is usually called peace.

Secondary Objective: Narrative poetry/epics.
An epic is a lengthy narrative poem, ordinarily concerning a serious subject containing details of heroic deeds and events significant to a culture or nation.
Whilst this is merely optional, and I highly doubt anyone (including me) would enforce the secondary objective, if you would like some guidelines then here you go:

Epics tend to open in medias res.
The setting is often vast, covering many nations, the world or the universe.
They start with a statement of the theme and includes the use of epithets.
Divine intervention on human affairs is quite common and they usually detail "Star" heroes that embody the values of the civilization.

_____

Is this okay?
 
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