BigEvilTurtle
Banned
This is a good step, though! Would the seminar be a thing you attend more than once with the same people? If so, you'd probably eventually become comfortable enough to talk about how you feel.
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Depression
- Thread starter Jea Song
- Start date
- Status
This is a good step, though! Would the seminar be a thing you attend more than once with the same people? If so, you'd probably eventually become comfortable enough to talk about how you feel.
grap3fruitman
Banned
;-;
Yeah I think that's how it's supposed to be. It's more of a self-help group with a "leader" provided by the University that helps and organizes. I think that's how it works at least. The seminar I chose (there's different ones) is "Better Coping".
"We know that university life can be stressful, and students often report common experiences of anxiety, stress, low mood, procrastination, self-doubt, relationship difficulties - to name just a few. Our goal in offering this seminar is to provide a space for students to receive some support, connect with other students with similar concerns, and develop some strategies to enhance coping."
Councelling has a huge waitlist so the dude from the intake session told me I should go there in the meantime. I'll see how it goes.
Collete
Member
That's all that anyone can ask for.
All people can do is try otherwise no one would progress in their life.
If it's any condolences, I barely said a word during my first time in a seminar. For me by the end of 8 week seminar, I was talking a bit more than at least word and able to get into conversations with people at least. They'll most likely get you to talk...If they can make someone as shy as me to talk, they'll get you talking.
I'm the opposite, and I'm not sure that's much better. Emotional non-eating. -sigh-
I hope... I'll see how it goes and how the people there are :/ I think that's what it's gonna come down to, if the people there seem nice.
Oh, I do the same thing. I won't eat for a day and then I'll be incredibly hungry and plug it all with the worst shit imaginable.
Collete
Member
Yup the same thing with me, except it's for more than a day.
And then pig out on everything I can possibly see.
It really does suck...
At least people depend on you.
Not many people I know actually depend on me for anything for survival.
I'm not sure what words of solace I can offer, if you haven't, please confide into someone than taking the burden on your own if you haven't already.
A good portion of people on Depression GAF can listen via PMs, chat, steam, etc, so please reach out to someone to confide into.
I don't know the list on top of my head
(Bagels that's your cue to repost the list....)
It's better to give up now rather than keep going. Who wants to be me not me.
Prax
Member
Okay, I got like.. 2 more things done. I am on a half roll! >__<
Although I did have a weird tiff with my parents about things like expectations, "Asian honour/saving face", and life choices and all that goodness that makes you really angry or sad or indignant. Plus they can talk me down in Vietnamese and my vocabulary is kind of limited, so being unable to retort properly was an exercise in frustration.
I was carefully deciding at the time while fuming whether I should stay angry for the next few days or not (because it honestly does become a decision to keep a grudge or not).
After somewhat of a good cry before falling asleep, all the while deliberating whether or not I should be crying, how much would be good for me, and also reassuring my own self worth to myself (because who's gonna cheer lead me besides me 3am-7am in the morning if I am too lazy to look up people online? lol), I concluded that it's not worth my energy to stay upset and vindictive.
I woke up and concluded that people have different views and frustrations and we all try to deal with them in different ways, and this was just a clash of that. And things resolve or pan out one way or another, and I'll stick to my guns where I think it's important BECAUSE I think it's important. So when I next saw them, I just casually asked them a mundane question "Did you guys just go grocery shopping?" to clear the air on my end. It was nice to feel like that must have possibly thought the same things because they responded back with no bitterness and then it was business as usual. The whole event that was possibly traumatic has now been shelved under "Oh well~" due to my reframing today!
My choice in telling you this story is a calculated effort to show you that I am not super happy-go-lucky 24/7 despite how I may come off. But, I do employ many strategies to create that kind of positive momentum for myself. I hope some of them can be applicable to you guys too!
Here they are in point-ish form!:
- analyze whether or not what you're feeling is based on a decision to feel that way for "reasons"
- decide whether those reasons are worth your energy -- if it feeds into your negativity, it probably is not worth it
- allow yourself to be weak and cry for a bit without any shame or guilt for it
- be your own unconditional cheerleader and pep squad, it's like having a mental first-aid kit around!
- don't take it personally, even if it was personal. Give people the benefit of the doubt. Give yourself the benefit of the doubt.
- do what is right for you and what's important to you because it IS important, even if it's only to you
- make the positive first move if you can, take care of business on your end
- reframe your situation when you are feeling lucid, more mentally clear, and more positive. It's like reorganizing your thoughts or experiences so your "toxic waste" pile isn't so heavy
Also prepare yerselves for more super-post wall-o-text responses. lol
Hopefully you just tried again when you collected yourself. The whole taxes and auditing and stuff confuses the heck out of me too, but these things can be managed some how some way. You did well in even attempting to rectify it. Just keep trying to navigate it and something will pan out (maybe even placating them with $20 a month--I hope that's feasible for your financials. I don't know how tight you are).
I really like that GAF Buddy system you have described! It's very important and effective!
And for all you folks that are thinking "I won't get a buddy.. I'm always last to be picked.. I can't connect to anyone..".. NEVER FEAR! I have no perma-buddy either! I am naturally elusive like that~! You can think of me as an ever-present nobuddy (lol) that you can vent randomly to and expect to get a response back at some point. And I also dish out random advice and tangents from time to time and you are free to feel like it's directed to you.
And if you catch me in chat, I will try to cheer you on no matter what.
And I also really like Heidern's advice too because it comes off as esoteric and philosophical and I love me that higher order abstract stuff. lol
I used to have a lot of weird nightmares about ghosts, but maybe that was because I thought my old house was haunted or maybe i was under a lot of stress. <__< I don't think I ever truly figured it out.
Are you doing things to relieve yourself of the guilt and feelings of depression? I think it always feels worse when you are just stewing in the middle of the haze. Try to do something enjoyable or easy but productive to build momentum, and hopefully eventually that haze will lift a little and you can be more active.
And if that is your only regret in life, that is not so bad if you think about it! Existing isn't even your fault in this context, so no need to feel guilty for it, and you may as well live it up.
Oooh.. yessss pleeeaasee!
My greatest dream
Is to be
An inspiration
To people
And help them
Achieve and see
Their dreams
Even a tiny bit
With a nudge
Or kind word
Or three
So won't you help
Make my dream
Also come true
For me?
- XOXOXO
And maybe it's even harder to know that you have to cheer yourself on for a bit or a while or a long time.
But there is strength and hope. Around you (even if it has to be through the web) and inside you (even if you feel hollowed out).
Otherwise you would not be able to show others such support and kindness. You have a well of strength you are tapping into for others.
Just remember to give some to yourself too.
I think you need to make a checklist to look over. Something like:
[] Do I feel out of control or compelled to do something without thinking? (If so, I need to sit down, go back to list)
[] Am I breathing properly? (if not, take a few deep breaths in and out for 2 minutes, go back to list)
[] Would I rather have water, juice, or tea right now? (Must choose one to take a sip of, go back to list)
[] Am I hungry and craving for anything? Sweet? Salty? Other? (If so, go get something, go back to list)
[] Is there a small task could easily do right now like throw a piece of garbage away, put a book on the shelf, clean my room? (If so, then do it, go back to list)
[] OK (YOU'RE DOING WELL! Go back to list)
[] Do I need to brush my teeth, comb my hair, shower, or any other hygiene thing? (if so, then do it, go back to list)
[] Am I sleepy? (if so, then lay down and sleep, go back to list if can't sleep)
[] Am I unable to sleep and need my medicine? (if so, then look at cap, go back to list to make sure it's checked off)
[] OK (SO FAR SO GOOD, take the correct dosage)
[] Am I intending to take the correct dosage? (If not, uncheck all boxes and go back to step one and do it again).
[] My friends are happy I survived another day. (you need to check this off and commit to it!)
[] <3 (You need to check this one too!)
And then you put a giant neon sticker on your meds that says "CHECK THE LIST FIRST!"
I am sure you can make it better than this and more user friendly, but that's the gist!
You need to respond to me and tell me you are making this list.
Oh, and maybe add:
[] Look at more things on Amazon that I want to buy in the future at some point so I can look forward to it
And get a copy of Photoshop CS2 while Adobe is still leaving it up for all to grab? <_<
You can also try using a bunch of other free art software while you're looking for your funds (or have to build them up from scratch again.. awful! --Just use your amazon funds maybe???).
Maybe try:
Twisted Brush Open Studio http://www.pixarra.com/download.html
GIMP: http://www.gimp.org/
ArtWeaver Free: http://www.artweaver.de/products-en/artweaver-free/
MyPaint: http://mypaint.intilinux.com/
It sounds like you have a lot of responsibilities on your shoulders and that is always exhausting to bear. It's not unnatural for you to feel overwhelmed and want to just throw your hands up. But that's all the more reason to actually relax and give yourself a break from thinking about it from time to time.
It also sounds like you are still waiting to start living your life.
You have a lot of strength for being able to keep up like this and it's really admirable of you. So if no one else is doing it, make sure to also acknowledge and reward yourself for everything. Indulge in a hobby. Join a group for it for example. Even join a support group to reach out to other caregivers if it's applicable to you.
I hope things work out.
I think it's good that you at least are realizing what you have been going through and are putting it into a better perspective for yourself to work with. It's awful that your family has so little understanding or might even be unwilling to understand. Have you been able to discuss with them how serious your depression is? What you have been going through internally and how close you were to ending your own life? They might not understand how grave the matter is for you.
Hopefully you will be able to convince them how important this is and they can help you out.
And it was always anxiety-provoking for me to go see the counsellor despite the guy being so nice and patient and understanding and stuff. And I cried a bunch too. lol And I felt stupid for crying all the time, but in retrospect, it's just kind of funny and quaint.
It's probably a good thing that you were a hot mess too! It shows that what he has to say is being processed by you in some way, which means you're being receptive! Every effort counts. Put that into the "accomplishments" pile in your heart.
When you see others doing it, you may be compelled to follow their lead. Or you might find another member being really shy and nervous, and then you feel compelled to encourage them and lead by example yourself. That's part of the power of group settings.
I hope that's the case, anyway.
Recuperate and recharge and dig deep for that hope when you need it. There's a well of strength in there you may not even know you have.
Although I did have a weird tiff with my parents about things like expectations, "Asian honour/saving face", and life choices and all that goodness that makes you really angry or sad or indignant. Plus they can talk me down in Vietnamese and my vocabulary is kind of limited, so being unable to retort properly was an exercise in frustration.
I was carefully deciding at the time while fuming whether I should stay angry for the next few days or not (because it honestly does become a decision to keep a grudge or not).
After somewhat of a good cry before falling asleep, all the while deliberating whether or not I should be crying, how much would be good for me, and also reassuring my own self worth to myself (because who's gonna cheer lead me besides me 3am-7am in the morning if I am too lazy to look up people online? lol), I concluded that it's not worth my energy to stay upset and vindictive.
I woke up and concluded that people have different views and frustrations and we all try to deal with them in different ways, and this was just a clash of that. And things resolve or pan out one way or another, and I'll stick to my guns where I think it's important BECAUSE I think it's important. So when I next saw them, I just casually asked them a mundane question "Did you guys just go grocery shopping?" to clear the air on my end. It was nice to feel like that must have possibly thought the same things because they responded back with no bitterness and then it was business as usual. The whole event that was possibly traumatic has now been shelved under "Oh well~" due to my reframing today!
My choice in telling you this story is a calculated effort to show you that I am not super happy-go-lucky 24/7 despite how I may come off. But, I do employ many strategies to create that kind of positive momentum for myself. I hope some of them can be applicable to you guys too!
Here they are in point-ish form!:
- analyze whether or not what you're feeling is based on a decision to feel that way for "reasons"
- decide whether those reasons are worth your energy -- if it feeds into your negativity, it probably is not worth it
- allow yourself to be weak and cry for a bit without any shame or guilt for it
- be your own unconditional cheerleader and pep squad, it's like having a mental first-aid kit around!
- don't take it personally, even if it was personal. Give people the benefit of the doubt. Give yourself the benefit of the doubt.
- do what is right for you and what's important to you because it IS important, even if it's only to you
- make the positive first move if you can, take care of business on your end
- reframe your situation when you are feeling lucid, more mentally clear, and more positive. It's like reorganizing your thoughts or experiences so your "toxic waste" pile isn't so heavy
Also prepare yerselves for more super-post wall-o-text responses. lol
It's $2000, not a bottomless pit, and you can recover from it. A little at a time if that's what it takes.
Hopefully you just tried again when you collected yourself. The whole taxes and auditing and stuff confuses the heck out of me too, but these things can be managed some how some way. You did well in even attempting to rectify it. Just keep trying to navigate it and something will pan out (maybe even placating them with $20 a month--I hope that's feasible for your financials. I don't know how tight you are).
SENDING YOU POSITIVE VIBES, BAGELS! >__< HNNGHHH!!
I really like that GAF Buddy system you have described! It's very important and effective!
And for all you folks that are thinking "I won't get a buddy.. I'm always last to be picked.. I can't connect to anyone..".. NEVER FEAR! I have no perma-buddy either! I am naturally elusive like that~! You can think of me as an ever-present nobuddy (lol) that you can vent randomly to and expect to get a response back at some point. And I also dish out random advice and tangents from time to time and you are free to feel like it's directed to you.
And if you catch me in chat, I will try to cheer you on no matter what.
I sure hope so! I pride myself on my intelligence even though half the time I feel really stupid. .__. Insecurity issues maaan..
And I also really like Heidern's advice too because it comes off as esoteric and philosophical and I love me that higher order abstract stuff. lol
That sounds awful. Do you know if the nightmares are focused on one theme or real-life event, or if they are just randomly terrifying?
I used to have a lot of weird nightmares about ghosts, but maybe that was because I thought my old house was haunted or maybe i was under a lot of stress. <__< I don't think I ever truly figured it out.
Are you doing things to relieve yourself of the guilt and feelings of depression? I think it always feels worse when you are just stewing in the middle of the haze. Try to do something enjoyable or easy but productive to build momentum, and hopefully eventually that haze will lift a little and you can be more active.
And if that is your only regret in life, that is not so bad if you think about it! Existing isn't even your fault in this context, so no need to feel guilty for it, and you may as well live it up.
I am a warrior poet now? OKAY! I will take what I can get.
Oooh.. yessss pleeeaasee!
My greatest dream
Is to be
An inspiration
To people
And help them
Achieve and see
Their dreams
Even a tiny bit
With a nudge
Or kind word
Or three
So won't you help
Make my dream
Also come true
For me?
- XOXOXO
Sometimes it's hard to see all the hands reaching out to you when you're so lost in the dark.
And maybe it's even harder to know that you have to cheer yourself on for a bit or a while or a long time.
But there is strength and hope. Around you (even if it has to be through the web) and inside you (even if you feel hollowed out).
Otherwise you would not be able to show others such support and kindness. You have a well of strength you are tapping into for others.
Just remember to give some to yourself too.
I think you need to make a checklist to look over. Something like:
[] Do I feel out of control or compelled to do something without thinking? (If so, I need to sit down, go back to list)
[] Am I breathing properly? (if not, take a few deep breaths in and out for 2 minutes, go back to list)
[] Would I rather have water, juice, or tea right now? (Must choose one to take a sip of, go back to list)
[] Am I hungry and craving for anything? Sweet? Salty? Other? (If so, go get something, go back to list)
[] Is there a small task could easily do right now like throw a piece of garbage away, put a book on the shelf, clean my room? (If so, then do it, go back to list)
[] OK (YOU'RE DOING WELL! Go back to list)
[] Do I need to brush my teeth, comb my hair, shower, or any other hygiene thing? (if so, then do it, go back to list)
[] Am I sleepy? (if so, then lay down and sleep, go back to list if can't sleep)
[] Am I unable to sleep and need my medicine? (if so, then look at cap, go back to list to make sure it's checked off)
[] OK (SO FAR SO GOOD, take the correct dosage)
[] Am I intending to take the correct dosage? (If not, uncheck all boxes and go back to step one and do it again).
[] My friends are happy I survived another day. (you need to check this off and commit to it!)
[] <3 (You need to check this one too!)
And then you put a giant neon sticker on your meds that says "CHECK THE LIST FIRST!"
I am sure you can make it better than this and more user friendly, but that's the gist!
You need to respond to me and tell me you are making this list.
Oh, and maybe add:
[] Look at more things on Amazon that I want to buy in the future at some point so I can look forward to it
And get a copy of Photoshop CS2 while Adobe is still leaving it up for all to grab? <_<
You can also try using a bunch of other free art software while you're looking for your funds (or have to build them up from scratch again.. awful! --Just use your amazon funds maybe???).
Maybe try:
Twisted Brush Open Studio http://www.pixarra.com/download.html
GIMP: http://www.gimp.org/
ArtWeaver Free: http://www.artweaver.de/products-en/artweaver-free/
MyPaint: http://mypaint.intilinux.com/
<3 <3 Much love back to you too!
Is it possible for you to just find a place to rent for a while until you can fight a house to buy if that's the case? I can imagine it's not ideal, but if you need to buy more time, then that might be an option. My sympathies for your mother's health, and I hope she is still able to find relief or happiness in some ways, especially knowing that you're doing so much to take care of everyone.
It sounds like you have a lot of responsibilities on your shoulders and that is always exhausting to bear. It's not unnatural for you to feel overwhelmed and want to just throw your hands up. But that's all the more reason to actually relax and give yourself a break from thinking about it from time to time.
It also sounds like you are still waiting to start living your life.
You have a lot of strength for being able to keep up like this and it's really admirable of you. So if no one else is doing it, make sure to also acknowledge and reward yourself for everything. Indulge in a hobby. Join a group for it for example. Even join a support group to reach out to other caregivers if it's applicable to you.
I hope things work out.
I think a lot of people have had to deal with unsupportive family members or ones with good intentions but didn't end up supporting them int he right way or didn't know how to. Mental illness is hard for people who don't have it to fathom, and it's still a mystery to those that have it, so the ignorance still surrounding depression and other mental illnesses is heavy.
I think it's good that you at least are realizing what you have been going through and are putting it into a better perspective for yourself to work with. It's awful that your family has so little understanding or might even be unwilling to understand. Have you been able to discuss with them how serious your depression is? What you have been going through internally and how close you were to ending your own life? They might not understand how grave the matter is for you.
Hopefully you will be able to convince them how important this is and they can help you out.
Ah, you did good!
And it was always anxiety-provoking for me to go see the counsellor despite the guy being so nice and patient and understanding and stuff. And I cried a bunch too. lol And I felt stupid for crying all the time, but in retrospect, it's just kind of funny and quaint.
It's probably a good thing that you were a hot mess too! It shows that what he has to say is being processed by you in some way, which means you're being receptive! Every effort counts. Put that into the "accomplishments" pile in your heart.
It might be easier than you think when you have group momentum going.
When you see others doing it, you may be compelled to follow their lead. Or you might find another member being really shy and nervous, and then you feel compelled to encourage them and lead by example yourself. That's part of the power of group settings.
What's wrong?
You say that, but it more seems like you post these things as a protest against your self-destruction in a way. Maybe even as a way to purge your mind of the thoughts so you can go on.
I hope that's the case, anyway.
Recuperate and recharge and dig deep for that hope when you need it. There's a well of strength in there you may not even know you have.
Without quoting and trying to edit that behemoth of a post on my phone - whoa.
Can I say I'm proud of how you handled the parent situation without sounding too... "parental" myself? Anyway, that was great. The whole post is great!
Can I say I'm proud of how you handled the parent situation without sounding too... "parental" myself? Anyway, that was great. The whole post is great!
DodgyGeezerFella
Member
Well I feel back down in the gutter.
Friend of mine was back from Afghanistan, drove up to see him (4+ hour drive), went out that night and as usual, complete and utter social anxiety, nothing to say other than stand around like a fool. I have no idea how to enjoy myself or relax.
Ive also got a few days off work, and all im doing is sitting around bored, have no idea what to do with myself, and so I end up dozing off half the time.
Im completely and utterly devoid of .... anything. Im just living for the sake of living, and that's only because I wouldn't do anything to upset my family.
May double up my AD's, the doc mentioned it last time I saw them as something to try in the future.
Friend of mine was back from Afghanistan, drove up to see him (4+ hour drive), went out that night and as usual, complete and utter social anxiety, nothing to say other than stand around like a fool. I have no idea how to enjoy myself or relax.
Ive also got a few days off work, and all im doing is sitting around bored, have no idea what to do with myself, and so I end up dozing off half the time.
Im completely and utterly devoid of .... anything. Im just living for the sake of living, and that's only because I wouldn't do anything to upset my family.
May double up my AD's, the doc mentioned it last time I saw them as something to try in the future.
Prax's post is fantastic, it has lots of good advice. I wish I could put something of that in practice.
Like right now: I'm mad because my sister was using the only PC we have until 5 minutes ago, while I didn't get to touch it once in the whole day. It's not that I desperately need to use it, the problem is that when something turns up not the way I'd like it to be (like right now), I get completely demotivated and start feeling like shit.
I don't want to give too bad of an impresion, though :/
It could also happen if I'm listening to a CD and my parents call me for dinner (they always like to eat with both my sister and me together, as a family), or if I'm doing anything and the phone rings, or... Pretty much everything: the bus didn't stop, I can't beat a game, my friends don't want to hang out when I'm feeling extremely lonely, I hear people talking about their wonderful relationships and boyfriends and girlfriends while I know I'll be alone for the rest of my life... You could say I'm a full-time self-loathing asshole, and you'd be right.
I tried to change, to stop those feelings from popping up over the last 2 months, but I really can't. It seems like I'm not meant to be happy, good or nice things NEVER happen to me. I'm never lucky (well, except last week, when I found a couple of music CDs I though were sold, and was able to buy them, but even then the happiness lasted less than 3 hours). I pretty much ruin everything I touch.
I don't know where I'm going with this. Guess I just needed to vent, after feeling like there's not much of a reason to carry on with everyday's life. Work, gym, in a few weeks also university... All that shit, and why? I don't feel good about doing any of it. I thought I could maybe improve my bass playing skills; I was wrong. I don't even know why I will wake up tomorrow morning, get out of bed, have a shower and go to work. I don't want to. I don't like my life. I can't even get home and relax playing a game on the computer, for fuck's sake. And it's not my sister's fault, either. She's totally in her right of using it, it's not mine. I understand that. But I still can't prevent it from bothering me. Damn, I feel like a little child for saying this :/
I guess I'm being a fool right now, I'd better be off to bed. Sorry guys and gals for making you read this shitty post and wasting your time... I actually hope you didn't read it, it's just the ramblings of a stupid fool and nothing more. I wish I could be more like Prax, like Bags, you guys sure know how to keep your spirits up even in the worst of times, and how to lift those of others. Congratulations for the way you dealt with your anger Prax, you're a really smart and mature girl.
Like right now: I'm mad because my sister was using the only PC we have until 5 minutes ago, while I didn't get to touch it once in the whole day. It's not that I desperately need to use it, the problem is that when something turns up not the way I'd like it to be (like right now), I get completely demotivated and start feeling like shit.
I don't want to give too bad of an impresion, though :/
It could also happen if I'm listening to a CD and my parents call me for dinner (they always like to eat with both my sister and me together, as a family), or if I'm doing anything and the phone rings, or... Pretty much everything: the bus didn't stop, I can't beat a game, my friends don't want to hang out when I'm feeling extremely lonely, I hear people talking about their wonderful relationships and boyfriends and girlfriends while I know I'll be alone for the rest of my life... You could say I'm a full-time self-loathing asshole, and you'd be right.
I tried to change, to stop those feelings from popping up over the last 2 months, but I really can't. It seems like I'm not meant to be happy, good or nice things NEVER happen to me. I'm never lucky (well, except last week, when I found a couple of music CDs I though were sold, and was able to buy them, but even then the happiness lasted less than 3 hours). I pretty much ruin everything I touch.
I don't know where I'm going with this. Guess I just needed to vent, after feeling like there's not much of a reason to carry on with everyday's life. Work, gym, in a few weeks also university... All that shit, and why? I don't feel good about doing any of it. I thought I could maybe improve my bass playing skills; I was wrong. I don't even know why I will wake up tomorrow morning, get out of bed, have a shower and go to work. I don't want to. I don't like my life. I can't even get home and relax playing a game on the computer, for fuck's sake. And it's not my sister's fault, either. She's totally in her right of using it, it's not mine. I understand that. But I still can't prevent it from bothering me. Damn, I feel like a little child for saying this :/
I guess I'm being a fool right now, I'd better be off to bed. Sorry guys and gals for making you read this shitty post and wasting your time... I actually hope you didn't read it, it's just the ramblings of a stupid fool and nothing more. I wish I could be more like Prax, like Bags, you guys sure know how to keep your spirits up even in the worst of times, and how to lift those of others. Congratulations for the way you dealt with your anger Prax, you're a really smart and mature girl.
Collete
Member
I did the list Prax...but every time i say no to one of the item, I'm unsure what to do. I go back to item one but it feels like knocking my head against a wall...Doesn't do any good. I think i'm doing something wrong....
Just have to vent....I hate that everyone I talk to gets harmed by some way because of me...Whether it'll be my death soon, something I said, or didn't fulfill a promise or acted irrationally...I just wish I didn't exist in the first place to cause anyone grief...And myself for suffering this long...I just want to isolate myself but can't...I'm too much of a pussy....
Just have to vent....I hate that everyone I talk to gets harmed by some way because of me...Whether it'll be my death soon, something I said, or didn't fulfill a promise or acted irrationally...I just wish I didn't exist in the first place to cause anyone grief...And myself for suffering this long...I just want to isolate myself but can't...I'm too much of a pussy....
Cosmic Bus
pristine morning snow
I was thinking all weekend about how to cope with these money problems, and felt a little better about trying to conquer it.
So y'know what happened today? I was told I'm being laid off in a couple weeks. I CANNOT CATCH A FUCKING BREAK.
blame space
Banned
everything is absolutely awful.
User 100115
Banned
If you want to talk about it, feel free to pm me or any of the others on the list at the top of the page. Sorry you are having a rough time of it.
I figured I should post more since I added myself to the chat list. Strangely, I've been feeling better lately, and this is after skipping my pills for two days. Glad to see Bagel's absence wasn't a prolonged one. I'm dreading the next dip in mood/energy, because it's right around the corner.
Collete
Member
Even though I'm not really feeling any better to be cheery and all (even though these came in the mail) I did promise you all I would show pictures of what I got with the money you all gave me on my birthday.
I got his entire discography, mainly because I promised myself ages ago if I ever get any money, I would support my favorite artist on YouTube, Ronald Jenkees.
That and his music is pretty awesome:
A song if you want to listen to the artist
This seems random but this anime has touched me dearly when I first went to college with it's calming ambiance and light sensed humor. The series wasn't entirely popular and received low sales, but it was one of the well done animes of the decade back then. So I made sure to buy the last season (and because I didn't have the chance to watch the series finale) to at least show my support.
The first book, Bagels gave me specific amount of money to buy said book. The last book was recommended by a friend of mine. I'm a bit pessimistic on the first book but we'll see how it goes.
I ordered more stuff that will be on the way (of course I will show) but I just thought I show you the first haul...
Once again, thank you all...It really helps me in so many ways.
I got his entire discography, mainly because I promised myself ages ago if I ever get any money, I would support my favorite artist on YouTube, Ronald Jenkees.
That and his music is pretty awesome:
A song if you want to listen to the artist
This seems random but this anime has touched me dearly when I first went to college with it's calming ambiance and light sensed humor. The series wasn't entirely popular and received low sales, but it was one of the well done animes of the decade back then. So I made sure to buy the last season (and because I didn't have the chance to watch the series finale) to at least show my support.
The first book, Bagels gave me specific amount of money to buy said book. The last book was recommended by a friend of mine. I'm a bit pessimistic on the first book but we'll see how it goes.
I ordered more stuff that will be on the way (of course I will show) but I just thought I show you the first haul...
Once again, thank you all...It really helps me in so many ways.
I feel like unable to be a fully functional person, having trouble really getting any work done. The energy to do stuff just comes and goes so fast, plus procrastination. I have the tools around me to better myself and I am not doing anything about it is the most frustrating part. Feels like like I am in a flux. Been like this for a long time, I feel like I am withering away. I suffer from social anxiety forever I guess, so there isn't anyone to talk too.
Oh Prax thanks for suggesting MyPaint. I going to try it with my Wacom.
Oh Prax thanks for suggesting MyPaint. I going to try it with my Wacom.
BigEvilTurtle
Banned
Oomikami, you're seriously the most amazing person on GAF. Not only have you helped me, but you like Ronald Jenkees too!? Amazing.
forknknife
Banned
I think Bagels is also amazing. And he has a Dr Katz avatar too.
I strongly recommend a reevaluation of meds. Prozac has exactly this effect for some people. 40mg is half of the maximum daily dose (most people are at the 20mg mark), so that might increase the chance or severity of side effects.
Not getting this looked at would seriously be a mistake.
EDIT: speaking of meds, my reaction to Welbutrin @ 300mg was initially good, but now it's awful. My skin has become a complete desert; the corners of my lips crack constantly; the corners of my eyes are red, irritated, itchy; razor burn lasts for weeks and turns into a red, bumpy mess. And I finally have dry mouth. There's no way I can continue it at this dosage if at all.
Represent.
Represent(ative) of bad opinions
Theres a solution to every problem, death is not the answer.
How long have you been taking the Welbutrin @ 300mg?
Collete
Member
You're too kind.
To be honest, I only started liking him after I heard his music in Sequence (created by Feep) and instantaneously realized that I had to buy his music haha.
Oh yeah, did you make an appointment with the doctor on Monday?
BlueSummers
Member
I'm a huge lurker on gaf.. Just post from time to time. I like to think of myself as intelligent but I often don't post much due to feeling like I do not articulate my points or feelings as well as others and combine that with feeling like I have no good advice to offer and I can see why I don't post much. Anyway just wanted to say that I think you all are great people and as much as I do lurk I know that certain members on this forum and in this thread have formed close relationships and the help is posted and responded to by the most frequent posters in most cases.
I'm rambling a bit but to make a long story short I've been depressed for awhile and just wanted to speak out a little for the lurker a bit because you guys have helped me so much. Just knowing there are others out there who feel like I do..and all the advice that is posted is really helpful and you can tell its always got the best interest of the person in need at heart. Thank you guys..I may not post again for awhile but you all help more people than you think.
I'm rambling a bit but to make a long story short I've been depressed for awhile and just wanted to speak out a little for the lurker a bit because you guys have helped me so much. Just knowing there are others out there who feel like I do..and all the advice that is posted is really helpful and you can tell its always got the best interest of the person in need at heart. Thank you guys..I may not post again for awhile but you all help more people than you think.
BigEvilTurtle
Banned
I stumbled upon him many years ago and have been following him since. He fell off the radar for a really long time, but he JUST recently started being active on YouTube again.
I haven't been able to call the doctor. I broke my phone in a fit of rage a few days ago. If I may be honest, though, I've been feeling a bit better. Maybe not better enough to go without making an appointment, though. I'll try and make the call as soon as I have access to a phone.
Collete
Member
Depression comes in waves. There will be times where you think you're feeling better and the waves just gently lap your feet, thinking you don't even need help. And then it'll come back in a torrent and sweeps you off your feet unable to get back to shore.
As I said before, don't let it fool you. Just make the phone call as soon as you can. Don't wait it out too long, please.
I'm a huge lurker on gaf.. Just post from time to time. I like to think of myself as intelligent but I often don't post much due to feeling like I do not articulate my points or feelings as well as others and combine that with feeling like I have no good advice to offer and I can see why I don't post much. Anyway just wanted to say that I think you all are great people and as much as I do lurk I know that certain members on this forum and in this thread have formed close relationships and the help is posted and responded to by the most frequent posters in most cases.
I'm rambling a bit but to make a long story short I've been depressed for awhile and just wanted to speak out a little for the lurker a bit because you guys have helped me so much. Just knowing there are others out there who feel like I do..and all the advice that is posted is really helpful and you can tell its always got the best interest of the person in need at heart. Thank you guys..I may not post again for awhile but you all help more people than you think.
Let us know by either posting here or PM'ing any of us if you need somebody extra to talk to Good luck to you!
D
Deleted member 47027
Unconfirmed Member
You're a good person, Fiction.
I'm a huge lurker on gaf.. Just post from time to time. I like to think of myself as intelligent but I often don't post much due to feeling like I do not articulate my points or feelings as well as others and combine that with feeling like I have no good advice to offer and I can see why I don't post much. Anyway just wanted to say that I think you all are great people and as much as I do lurk I know that certain members on this forum and in this thread have formed close relationships and the help is posted and responded to by the most frequent posters in most cases.
I'm rambling a bit but to make a long story short I've been depressed for awhile and just wanted to speak out a little for the lurker a bit because you guys have helped me so much. Just knowing there are others out there who feel like I do..and all the advice that is posted is really helpful and you can tell its always got the best interest of the person in need at heart. Thank you guys..I may not post again for awhile but you all help more people than you think.
I really appreciate posts like this. It's incredible to know that there are all of these people getting help from this thread, way beyond the people who are posting here.
I know people have many reasons for lurking - from a simple personal preference, to not wanting people you know on GAF in other ways to hear about this stuff. I'd just say that we're an amazingly welcoming community - Prax said it best - that list that I keep posting is a list of people willing to be your depression-GAF buddy(s). For me, a shocking number of simple "hey, I saw your post - do you want to talk?" PMs have turned into genuine friendships. Like, we talk every day on skype, steam, or in chat, we write letters back in forth, we talk on the damn phone, FRIENDSHIPS. It's unreal, but so many of us have found that here. So you can lurk the thread, but reach out to people who post here and find that same kind of friendship and support. Take advantage of this amazing community!
I have a friend from the thread who contacted me on skype, and we chat every once in a while. But the other day he wanted to talk about relationships, so I wanted to run some of his questions by (one of my best friends from the thread) Pau (without sharing his name! I do keep what people say confidential), who is really good at this kind of thing. So she asked if she could just talk to him directly. He was fine with that, so we had a long conversation between the three of us. That's basically how things work with the depression-GAF community. If you just ask for someone to talk to, you'll find them. And the regulars are like a little family. If we know someone else who might be more help, we'll find them. If that makes sense?
I'm probably doing study abroad in the next school year, and I am really worried I'll have a relapse, what's always worked best for me is having a strong network of friends and leaving what I've cultivated behind is intimidating as hell. I can't imagine how bad it would be to go back to how I used to be in another country where I barely speak the language and they don't speak mine.
Anyone here had experience with something like that?
Anyone here had experience with something like that?
I've never used or had the word esoteric used in regards to me before
It's actually easier to make friends when you barely speak the language. If you meet someone that speaks the same language, it's a blank slate, you have nothing to work with. If you speak a different language that gives you an angle and automatically makes you more interesting to each other. It also makes you less threatening and so the other person can relax more. The dreaded awkward silence also becomes a non issue as there's an obvious reason why conversation is difficult. To compensate other people will try harder and be more helpful. You can make friends the same way toddlers make friends.
You also need to stop imagining how bad things will be. You need to be imagining success. Think positive, when you go there be positive, smile, look people in the eye. Think of it as an adventure.
AFollowerNotALeader
Member
I turned 31 this week which prompted a lot of introspection. I've been feeling pretty down lately. I'm tempted to blame the latest batch of meds but truth be told I was on a downward spiral before them.
I take great pride in my work. Lately, post the restructuring last year, the devision I work in has undergone almost complete organisational paralysis. I don't want to rant about managerialisation or siloing here - the summary is that it's been made extraordinarily difficult to get anything other than business as usual work done. And I'm finding it really depressing and frustrating.
I hate the world I live in. I hate many of the rules, the way they are made and the mindset of the people making then. I feel completely powerless, that life is only going to get worse and that there is nothing I can do to make things better. Eventually they will overwhelm me and the only way out will be to end it all.
I hate myself. I am selfish, manipulative, greedy and disgusting. I think that it is inevitable that my friends will realise this. I am spectacular at lying. Not about anything meaningful, but I would estimate that about 50% of the small-talk conversations I have with strangers contain some fabrication - I don't know why - it's just easier than telling the truth. I hate myself for walking past beggars, for being relatively well off and for faking most social interaction.
tl:dr I hate everything about my life and am basically waiting to die.
I take great pride in my work. Lately, post the restructuring last year, the devision I work in has undergone almost complete organisational paralysis. I don't want to rant about managerialisation or siloing here - the summary is that it's been made extraordinarily difficult to get anything other than business as usual work done. And I'm finding it really depressing and frustrating.
I hate the world I live in. I hate many of the rules, the way they are made and the mindset of the people making then. I feel completely powerless, that life is only going to get worse and that there is nothing I can do to make things better. Eventually they will overwhelm me and the only way out will be to end it all.
I hate myself. I am selfish, manipulative, greedy and disgusting. I think that it is inevitable that my friends will realise this. I am spectacular at lying. Not about anything meaningful, but I would estimate that about 50% of the small-talk conversations I have with strangers contain some fabrication - I don't know why - it's just easier than telling the truth. I hate myself for walking past beggars, for being relatively well off and for faking most social interaction.
tl:dr I hate everything about my life and am basically waiting to die.
BigEvilTurtle
Banned
Not talking to my girlfriend for two days has now made me realize how much I rely on her for happiness. /: I actually omit myself from doing things in hopes that I'll be able to talk to her. Fuck. I need to get into some new habits and redirect my focus. I love my girlfriend but I feel bad that she's in the position where I rely on her for a LOT.
Glasses got scratched and it really is visible when I am wearing them, don't have insurance to get new ones.
Re-arranged my desk area for a better working environment, and will be putting post-it and lists on the wall to remind me of stuff and get some focus with to-do-list.
Still have that "I'm in a flux, high anxiety" mode. Going through some Lifehacker articles looking for some guidance. I have like a dozen to read.
Re-arranged my desk area for a better working environment, and will be putting post-it and lists on the wall to remind me of stuff and get some focus with to-do-list.
Still have that "I'm in a flux, high anxiety" mode. Going through some Lifehacker articles looking for some guidance. I have like a dozen to read.
I told you this in the other thread too, but... I know that feeling oh so well. Don't make the same mistakes I made and don't get something on that you know will make you happy if it doesn't work out. (Hobbies, your own friends etc). Don't risk falling into a similar existential crisis :x
I often feel the same as you. I feel like I have no good advice to give or that my posts or stupid or patronizing. However, I think everyone has something valuable to contribute. Everyone has a unique perspective to share. This is also a good place to just vent and the people here are very supportive.I'm a huge lurker on gaf.. Just post from time to time. I like to think of myself as intelligent but I often don't post much due to feeling like I do not articulate my points or feelings as well as others and combine that with feeling like I have no good advice to offer and I can see why I don't post much. Anyway just wanted to say that I think you all are great people and as much as I do lurk I know that certain members on this forum and in this thread have formed close relationships and the help is posted and responded to by the most frequent posters in most cases.
I'm rambling a bit but to make a long story short I've been depressed for awhile and just wanted to speak out a little for the lurker a bit because you guys have helped me so much. Just knowing there are others out there who feel like I do..and all the advice that is posted is really helpful and you can tell its always got the best interest of the person in need at heart. Thank you guys..I may not post again for awhile but you all help more people than you think.
Does your name come from Trigun? One of my favorite animes and mangas.
Please tell me you do not intend to harm yourself.
It's good that you are making an effort to better your situation. That's progress. Keep at it.
Zoloft never really worked for me. I think some people in this thread have had good results with effexor.
BigEvilTurtle
Banned
Thanks. I actually ended up having a great day today because I focused on other things and making myself happy. I didn't sit at home in my room all day like I usually do.
My insurance only pays for exams. It was this way my whole life through my dad's insurance.
Exr
Member
I can understand lying to people you don't know all too well for the purpose of having a graceful conversation, but I hope you are being 100% honest with at least one person locally. If you can talk to someone earnestly and honestly you can start to see the beauty in conversation and feel better about connecting with people. Having a dissonance from your feelings socially is not always manipulation, you shouldn't be so negative about yourself. Do you still enjoy the work you do despite the changes?
AFollowerNotALeader
Member
I don't lie to my friends - I just don't tell them everything. I can't. A lot of my frustrations and fears about the world we are creating I seem to be alone in worrying about, and I can't really express them without sounding like a crazy person. My partner knows most of it.
I sometimes still enjoy my job. When I find something technical to do and all my managers are away. One of them had a family emergency yesterday and had to go home and I was secretly pleased because I could finally get things done. I'm a horrible person.
- Status