I think when someone tells you that they were raped, that telling them no you weren't is the real problem.
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My wife may have been raped...
- Thread starter OG Shaka Zulu
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I think when someone tells you that they were raped, that telling them no you weren't is the real problem.
Yeah no fuck off with that.
Alcohol is a hell of a drug. I wouldnt rule out some other date rape drug, but it sounds like both you and your wife are/were pretty heavy binge drinkers, and typically remembering bits and pieces doesn't mean sometimes you won't remember jack shit. It's kind of a red line. Might be drinking beers all night and then hit a couple of shots, then you're straight up blacked out, and it's possible you might even order more drinks while blacked out.
Also, it doesn't seem like there's enough here to definitively know if she was raped, which sucks, but it's better than knowing for sure she was?
Also, it doesn't seem like there's enough here to definitively know if she was raped, which sucks, but it's better than knowing for sure she was?
Hey maybe some of you modern intelligent humans can explain to me: an idiot, how a person can be so blitzed drunk (cuz of course its just unlikely they were drugged, that's crazy) they black out with no memory of the night before but still have a one night stand? How would this person consent to the one night stand while being so incredibly drunk not drugged?
I mean I just want to understand.
I mean I just want to understand.
andthebeatgoeson
Junior Member
Based on the facts, we have no fucking idea. And i think that's where rape usually hides. The OP went above and beyond identifying 'both sides' but some people only focus on one side.
The real problem is people who can't function in a grey zone. There is no black and white, but there is a bunch of denial. From the OP, his wife recognizes the situation, hasn't asked for anything except understanding and she seems to have thrived despite the incident, if she's a lawyer based on op's other thread.
And now OP is sharing, also asking for understanding. I don't read the OP and assume he wants to just call it rape. He is close to someone and has a lot of feelings about it. How about we step away from making firm decisions and help him process this.
I'm definitely not ready for you to Matlock this shit in this thread.
You're all right. It was pretty insensitive of me.
Apologies to the OP. I hope you and your wife can work through it.
Kor of Memory
Member
The thread title is literally
"My wife may have been raped..."
I think it's fair that in a situation like this we all tread very carefully and try to understand the whole pictures as best we can, with the information we are given. It comes off as cold, but it's hard to have a conversation over an uncertainty to begin with.
Considering he left his number and name, Not really something a rapist would do.. there's a certain level of wasted everyone can get, I think we've all been there, where literally anything goes, you're so blasted and don't remember anything but you seem totally coherent to people. It's the WORST kind of fucked up you can be.
Sounds to be like your wife was there, and had a cheeky shag with a random bloke, i mean she was single. wouldn't dwell on it at all and move on, only gonna drive you insane,
Sounds to be like your wife was there, and had a cheeky shag with a random bloke, i mean she was single. wouldn't dwell on it at all and move on, only gonna drive you insane,
i understand this sentiment, but this is definitely a "go to the doctor" situation. the best possible answer from here is counseling.
Calling her a liar, saying she was just having sex and cheated on him, and defending a guy she accused of rape is not "understanding the whole picture" She said she did not consent, and that she was likely drugged. But because he left a number behind, she's wrong and nothing like that happened?
Rktk
Member
Don't blame yourself OP. I had an ex who was raped before we got together and it was something she dealt with by herself mostly but I was around to listen and be supportive. It took a while before she felt strong enough to press charges, but she did. The situation here isn't the same since it's a maybe and you two have been together a long time but your wife reached a point where she was able to tell you, and she clearly feels she was unable to give consent at the time.
Also to others in the thread, most people who get raped are raped by people they know, it's not like rapist is some kind of career option and there are dos and don'ts to it, like not leaving your number. The guy may have felt one way about it, OPs wife feels differently.
OP I would say for one thing this is 11 years ago, your wife may not remember much, see how she is doing, if she has dealt with it at this point then figure out what is making you so upset and maybe talk to a professional, as well as your wife, about how you feel.
Also to others in the thread, most people who get raped are raped by people they know, it's not like rapist is some kind of career option and there are dos and don'ts to it, like not leaving your number. The guy may have felt one way about it, OPs wife feels differently.
OP I would say for one thing this is 11 years ago, your wife may not remember much, see how she is doing, if she has dealt with it at this point then figure out what is making you so upset and maybe talk to a professional, as well as your wife, about how you feel.
How can you be blackout drunk and know for certain you didn't consent though?..People do insane stuff when they are blackout drunk, from headbutting your nan to the classic of sleeping with a random person you met that same night.
The next day when people tell you that you thunder-butted grandma across the room because she changed the tv channel, you'd say 'that's not possible, no way would I ever do that'. But you did it.
benicillin
Banned
This thread is a fucking dumpster fire and those of you whose first instinct was to question whether or not she was sexually assaulted because you have to "look at the facts" and "maybe it didn't happen the way she thought it did" should all be ashamed of yourselves. The OP posted in good faith with serious questions and ya'll should fuck off back to Reddit.
Because nobody blackout drunk can give consent.
The effects of binge drinking on short term memory is not something that should be taken lightly. Though there are also a lot of awful and meticulous people in the world.
That said, I think seeking professional counseling is the best way to cope with this. All you'll get here is a circus of people contributing their own anecdotes or pushing their own beliefs and agendas that could either provide temporary relief or give way to foster darker thoughts. Definitely not the best way to go about it.
That said, I think seeking professional counseling is the best way to cope with this. All you'll get here is a circus of people contributing their own anecdotes or pushing their own beliefs and agendas that could either provide temporary relief or give way to foster darker thoughts. Definitely not the best way to go about it.
You can be blacked out and totally coherent though. Like you're walking around talking like normal but you have no recollection of it the next day.
Being blackout drunk is not the same as passed out.
Alcohol-induced blackouts in frequent drinkers like OP's wife can occur without corresponding signs of severe impairment. There's some good reading online about this phenomenon, but basically the brain can't transfer memories from short-term to long-term memory:
https://pubs.niaaa.nih.gov/publications/arh27-2/186-196.htm
So the drinker will not be incapacitated but won't remember events.
This is way beyond the point of this topic, anyway. All that's left for OP is to support his wife and to get his marriage through this.
Damn, man. I feel for you and your wife and wish you both and your relationship the best. Sounds like you've been through thick and thin so far and I'm sure you'll get through this. We're here for you if you need to get stuff off your chest, always.
As for the details and what was done, I dare not go down that rabbit hole of questioning and over questioning because it will eat at you from the inside out. And it will consume you. The past is the past and I hope you both put your best energy/efforts towards the now and maybe the future, if time permits.
As for the details and what was done, I dare not go down that rabbit hole of questioning and over questioning because it will eat at you from the inside out. And it will consume you. The past is the past and I hope you both put your best energy/efforts towards the now and maybe the future, if time permits.
What if both people at the same time were blackout drunk and thought they were getting consent?
Not to demean or question OP. Unfortunately these situations are just a very grey area. Maybe they both felt violated?
Establishing fault or consent when high intoxication is involved is a very difficult thing, if one party is sober, that completely changes the situation but often that isn't the case.
You do realize people have been sentenced to jail time for having sex with someone blackout drunk right?
https://www.bramptonguardian.com/ne...rapist-from-brampton-flees-before-sentencing/
But regardless of that, she says she didn't drink more than usual, so I have no idea why everyone is just assuming she got too drunk.
lightskintwin
Banned
That's a different type of Blackout and not what we're referring too. In your example the person is completely wasted.
I'm thinking a lot of people in this thread aren't very familiar with getting wasted or drinking, not to sound like a condescending prick or anything
There are so many different types of fucked up, the link you posted the woman couldn't walk and was most likely in and out of consciousness staggering and yeah, unable to give consent and clearly taken advantage of. Depending on what you're drinking, how much you've eaten, even your sugar levels of that day, drinking a few glasses of wine even, and mixing it with a shot, can make you totally forget everything the next day... You are on cruise control, but TOTALY COHERENT and even seem totally sober to people around you, but you are some weird version of yourself. Like i said in my first post in this thread it's the worst kind of wasted you can be.
I think statements like this:
"My wife can hold her liquor, there was nothing remarkable about her consumption that night and she's had other nights where she's drank so much more yet can still remember bits and pieces of the night. I've had one night myself where I've drank so much I should have went to the hospital instead of home but I could remember things the following days."
Suggest that heavy alcohol consumption may be a factor. How 6 drinks affect you one night, can affect you differently the next. Especially if you are a regular consumer of alcohol.
Pretty sure OP and his wife hashed this out and decided she was drugged, which produces effects startlingly like black out drinking come the next day. Considering no one is able to tell the wife "honey you were fucking wild last night, dancing on bars, lighting fires, crazy!" How about we not contradict them.
It's a little weird so many of you are in here with your detective badges telling the OP his wife's account of that night is totally bull.
Just going on the numbers, 20 to 30 percent of you will have someone in your life who is sexually assaulted. Be sure to tell them they probably got to drunk.
It's a little weird so many of you are in here with your detective badges telling the OP his wife's account of that night is totally bull.
Just going on the numbers, 20 to 30 percent of you will have someone in your life who is sexually assaulted. Be sure to tell them they probably got to drunk.
Have you ever been black out drunk?
Everyone responds to it differently. I've seen some people respond the way you're describing and I've seen some people act very similar to how they act when they're just buzzed. The variables are similar to how some people act loopy after a couple drinks and some people act fine, just at a more extreme level.
StalkerUKCG
Banned
In fairness, The dude left his number and she contacted him and he said he doesn't remember.
So taking the facts at face value
The guy doesn't remember, Woke up in a bed, left his number
Your wife doesn't remember. Woke up in her bed, Called the number and guy who left his contact info (which could be handed to the police very easily if your wife felt like a victim) said he doesn't remember.
Now anecdotally your wife says she didn't drink more than normal. I mean this was 2006. 11 years ago. I sure as hell can't remember what I drank on a night out in 2006.
Sounds honestly like 2 people got drunk and fucked. If your wife feels she was raped that's a really shitty situation but you have zero hard proof other than she can't remember having sex and doesn't feel like she had sex and she was an unproven level of intoxicated.
You can be pissed and angry but ultimately I doubt you can do anything at all and legally It's a hard sell to prove anything since it's basically going to come down to her reporting an 11 year old rape without proof or evidence or a rapist.
Rape support for your wife might be an option, Maybe even for yourself but I have no idea what you are looking for GAF to say to you.
So taking the facts at face value
The guy doesn't remember, Woke up in a bed, left his number
Your wife doesn't remember. Woke up in her bed, Called the number and guy who left his contact info (which could be handed to the police very easily if your wife felt like a victim) said he doesn't remember.
Now anecdotally your wife says she didn't drink more than normal. I mean this was 2006. 11 years ago. I sure as hell can't remember what I drank on a night out in 2006.
Sounds honestly like 2 people got drunk and fucked. If your wife feels she was raped that's a really shitty situation but you have zero hard proof other than she can't remember having sex and doesn't feel like she had sex and she was an unproven level of intoxicated.
You can be pissed and angry but ultimately I doubt you can do anything at all and legally It's a hard sell to prove anything since it's basically going to come down to her reporting an 11 year old rape without proof or evidence or a rapist.
Rape support for your wife might be an option, Maybe even for yourself but I have no idea what you are looking for GAF to say to you.
lightskintwin
Banned
Blackng out doesn't mean you had to have been completely wild the night before. Honestly it sounds like you have little to no real world experience to put any of what we're saying in context, therefore you're completely dismissive of it.
That doesn't necessarily mean that's what happened to OP's wife, but it doesn't rule it out either.
It doesn't take a lot. We recently took a co-worker out for a send-off before his last day of work. He was happy drunk, then turned pretty belligerent/unintelligible maybe an hour and a few beers later.
I asked him what he remembered the next day, and he'd forgotten most of it, including points where he was completely intelligible and normal. Really eye-opening, since it shows how a person could consent to something while seemingly in control, get even more hammered, and forget all of it the next day.
Nobody is calling his wife's account bull at all, why are you being so melodramatic?
Based on the actual facts his wife has presented to him everything points to a one night stand that happened whilst she wasn't acting herself and was clearly black out drunk.
It's a really unhealthy dangerous thought process to assume rape in a situation like this, a consensual one night stand when both parties are super wasted happens all the fucking time.
If your first thought is 'that man raped me' when you clearly let him inside your home, with no signs of struggle, and the guy left his fucking name and number, you are going to be potentially destroying an innocent mans life because 'it's not something you would usually do'.. If you had any experience getting wasted you would totally understand this.
Kor of Memory
Member
Edit: nevermind. it's not helpful to the conversation.
lightskintwin
Banned
I'll give you another example. I went to a friend's Super bowl party and casually drank the entire day and night. I remember everything before and during the Super Bowl, but after that I couldn't remember anything. My friends were shocked because they said I was acting normal and completely cognizant. Apparently a local NFL player came over who was friend's with somebody at the party after the game was over, and he brought 2 strippers over. They said I was talking shit to the NFL player the whole time and cracking everybody up including him and the 2 strippers he brought over. I saw this NFL player again at a later time and he came up to me talking about how hilarious I was.
I remember NONE OF THIS.
It was awkward as fuck and literally felt like some stranger coming up to me.
Now imagine how one would feel if it involved sex.
I don't think blackouts are necessarily related to quantity of drinking. Which is to say just because you drank an entire bottle of whiskey one time and didn't black out, that doesn't necessarily mean you will never black out in instances where you drink less than 1 bottle of whiskey.
I've drank myself to the point of vomit, yet the one or two blackouts I've had occurred when I wasn't sick or vomitting at all.
I've drank myself to the point of vomit, yet the one or two blackouts I've had occurred when I wasn't sick or vomitting at all.
(I'm making sure I quote you because I edited out my reply to you about two seconds after I posted)
Nope I never, ever blacked out. I've never not remembered the night of drinking or any of my actions. I have been to drunk to talk, walk, or move. I've drank quickly, I've drank slowly, I've drank exclusively mixers, exclusively beer, exclusively liquor, exclusively wine. I've drank combinations of everything throughout the night and still never blacked out.
However...
my experience with blackout drinking comes from my father who was a absolute alcoholic and forgot many things plenty. I will say he never once appeared stone sober night before.
and if someone took him home and stripped him nude and no idea of what else would you say "eh, it was a one night stand"?
Oh look...
Now go back and read the OP
The rest of you
I'm sure all the times people have lost hours upon hours of memory, appeared completely sober for the entire night no matter how much more alcohol hit their bloodstream, left the bar, travelled home, undressed, all resulted in consensual sex with whomever happened to be there. I mean that's what you're telling me right? I know nothing? This is what may happened so we should be sure to post that for OP know that we did our due diligence? Good thing you discounted her experience. I'm sure she is happy you set her straight.
StalkerUKCG
Banned
Her experience as described by OP was exactly this
Went out drink 11 years ago. Woke up in her own bed to a contact name and number. Says she doesn't feel like she had sex. Apparently had no visible signs of sex or a struggle or anything at all. Contacts the number and the guy never says they had sex just that he was drunk and doesn't remember anything.
I mean drugged and raped is a bit of an assumption here.
The likely hood she maybe ate little to nothing the previous day, has a poor recollection of a memory from 11 years ago about her alcohol consumption. Found and took home a guy she found hot and doesn't remember it is just as plausible. (hell she says she doesn't even feel like they had sex. It's likely in her potentially drunken state she called it or of he did and they just slept)
The assumption of rape is dangerous.
Can you fucking imagine if half the posters here where a Jury. A potentially innocent guy would be in prison.
Arizona law (first one I found) says that to prove rape the prosecution must prove the following was met.
We can't do any of that, Anecdotal 11 year old memories while indeterminably intoxicated are not proof. Going by those memories even OP's wife thinks intercourse didn't happen. I mean ..
I'm really struggling to find out why exactly the majority here think rape happened. Is it because both OP and his Wife think she was drugged? Because again that's not proven and Anecdotal.
Last time I checked this is an internet message board. You post your opinions based on your experiences and discuss things, OP posted a thread, with a story, asking for opinions and advice, I am doing it, I'm using the internet forum.
I'm giving my opinion, not ruling anything out, not calling bullshit. I'm giving my logical opinion based on what has been posted.
I'm sorry to the OP for feeling bad about this whole situation and sorry to his wife for feeling bad about it too. But she doesn't have any recollection of what happened. So based on being in the same situation as OP's wife (Many times) having girlfriends/friends who have also had the same experience (many times) I'm posting my opinion. it's how forums work
Nobody is going to be on trial and this isn't going to really go beyond OP and his wife (and maybe therapists), so it makes little sense to be cold and tread carefully. What really matters here is that the OP is there for his wife and supports her.
Yeah, despite the rest of your post being ignorant (rapists can and do leave their names and number, especially if they don't consider what they did rape, which is extremely common), can we not call a potential rape a "cheeky shag"?
Cat in the Hat
Member
OP you are completely wrong for posted this on the internet( a videogame website at that). What the fuck is your problem? Talk to a professional you idiot.
Letting someone into your home is not the same as saying "it's okay to touch me or put your dick in me".
You also do not have to struggle for it to be rape.
Your post is very problematic. This goes for anyone who mentions stuggle and the like.
And look at you guys giving rapists ideas. Just leave your number and no one will believe you raped anyone. Perfect.
I'm aware you don't have to struggle to be raped, but based on these facts, lets say this made it into a court of law, just really... she is black out drunk, brings a guy home, doesn't feel like she has had sex..Guy leaves his name and number, also doesn't remember anything.... if you were on the jury in this case, given these facts. Would call this man guilty of rape?
Rapists can and do leave their number? I'm sorry can you back that up with some sources, please?
And yeah that was a bad choice of words on my part.
Jeronimo Jones
Member
I wish you both well in dealing with this, but it's not clear to me how GAF can help either of you besides offering support and suggesting that you two talk to professionals if you feel it's necessary.
Not based on this no, what a stupid question. Obviously you must have proof. But as I stated in my first post, the guy is pretty much irrelevant in this case and what we have is a woman feeling traumatized and not remembering a single thing, feeling like she must have been drugged. Can we please go back to the point of ignoring the irrelevant dude that might have done or not done anything and help OP handle his feelings about the wife's feelings?
...and do that without problematic "rapists don't do that", "she must have just regretted a ONS" and other bizarre statements? This MIGHT have been a case of at least molestation and drugging, but we don't know.
Read the OP again, and also the first version of the thread. There is not a single reason for her to lie about this. IF you can find ANY single tiny reason for her to make up this story, please quote it.
Does this count? Is it good enough for you that the number was in her phone?
Are you aware many rapists are in a relationship with their victims? I'm pretty sure they have their number. Are you aware many people do not think it is rape when penetrating someone who is drunk or sleeping, or even awake as long as they don't say the exact word in a "serious enough" manner? And that they would therefore see the rape as just another "cheeky shag" (imagine a puking face here).
I didn't see that post.
Of course, that is awful, terrible, sick and obviously a rape, and the guy deserves jail time. I'm very aware rape comes in many forms and I'm not trying to downplay rape in any way at all.
And I'm sorry but he posted this on a public forum, if he would have wanted pandering to his wife feelings and not a bunch of people speculating on the facts provided he should not have posted it and should be speaking to family/friends about this situation. Because as I've already said, this is an public forum. And of course, people are going to give their opinions based on their own experiences.
Of course, that is awful, terrible, sick and obviously a rape, and the guy deserves jail time. I'm very aware rape comes in many forms and I'm not trying to downplay rape in any way at all.
And I'm sorry but he posted this on a public forum, if he would have wanted pandering to his wife feelings and not a bunch of people speculating on the facts provided he should not have posted it and should be speaking to family/friends about this situation. Because as I've already said, this is an public forum. And of course, people are going to give their opinions based on their own experiences.
This thread is full of people discounting what seems the fear she felt waking up that morning and uncertainty of knowing what happened. How is so hard to understand how scary that is?
OP states may have been raped, and his wife says it doesn't seem like she was penetrated. So like yell at him I guess? I've been arguing consent hypotheticals with people who can't seem to stop just going "eh one night stand"
It's weird so many of you dismiss drugging so out of hand since that's exactly what this sounds like a hundred times over. Drugging people is incredibly common. Rampantly common. Hundreds of people will drugged today alone. In 2009 almost 15000 drugging victims visited the ER. People do this all the time.
Again, still wouldn't be consent detective.
So is Rohypnol
Whoa! Holy cow! Is that where I am? Thanks poster!
Oh look...
Thats twice.
Once more for everyone that has some problem with this for some god damn reason
It's weird so many of you dismiss drugging so out of hand since that's exactly what this sounds like a hundred times over. Drugging people is incredibly common. Rampantly common. Hundreds of people will drugged today alone. In 2009 almost 15000 drugging victims visited the ER. People do this all the time.
The way you post and type is super annoying btw, like some irritating poem/riddle. Do you really have to put so many spaces? Jesus christ.
But I think I'm done here, nothing more for me to say other than I would hate to live life with the outlook you guys have on the world. It's sad, honestly.
But I think I'm done here, nothing more for me to say other than I would hate to live life with the outlook you guys have on the world. It's sad, honestly.
What a loss
You mean a realistic outlook from those of us who have gone through things similar to this? But no, continue to call someone thinking they were drugged and raped a liar and defending a possible rapist because "its dangerous to accuse an INNOCENT man of rape!" You seriously have no idea what its like to go through something like this so just stop.
Really won't change anything. Much like the racism paradox, rape disappears as soon as you see it.
Victim blaming will always be exhausted from a to z before even considering she was raped. Note or not. It would have been another excuse if op didn't mention a note.
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