LordKasual
Banned
single is almost literally the opposite of a relationship
yeah no that person is just a weirdo
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Dating Age |OT7| Tough Love
- Thread starter Advocatus Diaboli
- Start date
single is almost literally the opposite of a relationship
yeah no that person is just a weirdo
To me, if someone you're dating would be pissed if you starting dating someone else, you're not single. Most commonly this means you're dating someone, you've defined the relationship, and you're formally committed to each other.
Personally, I don't respond well to seeing dating as having the end-goal of a relationship. It starts to feel process-driven and the expectations become a weight. I think I'm much better suited to dating friends and people I already have experiences with, but in the realm of online dating the best thing I can do is treat each date as an individual, non-connected night out. Just to have fun. If you guys contact each other again, great! If you don't, it doesn't take away from having fun that night.
Eventually, if there are enough individual nights where two people have fun together, that's when you stumble into realizing it can be something serious. But planning on going through a "progression" to get to a relationship is how I most easily burn myself out.
Side note: I really, really don't like when people suggest meeting their friends in the first 2-3 dates.
Yeah I'm planning on it. We just didn't fit in the end personality and interest wise, even though our chemistry was really good.
just be honest, and don't ghost her afterwards.
i just had to do it last weekend. it sucked but it felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders.
I wouldn't say ghost her but keeping in constant contact or even regular contact doesn't help.
I'd say, talk if it's pertinent or important but make it obvious and let them know if need be that you're only going to talk if it's important otherwise there'll be no contact.
DOWN
Banned
Is there like a married GAF?
I want to know if that you know when you know thing is real. Like if you are with someone a long time but feel unsure if its meant to be or if youd marry them, is that a sign its not a fit? Do married people feel like they knew they wanted that one person for life? Or was it a shaky idea that always feels a little uncertain?
If Im with someone in a long serious relationship, would I know when I know and thus not knowing if its the one means something?
I want to know if that you know when you know thing is real. Like if you are with someone a long time but feel unsure if its meant to be or if youd marry them, is that a sign its not a fit? Do married people feel like they knew they wanted that one person for life? Or was it a shaky idea that always feels a little uncertain?
If Im with someone in a long serious relationship, would I know when I know and thus not knowing if its the one means something?
Give her space. Continue living life. Do not get clingy or ever project the need for her approval.
Also: how did you react to the breakup?
Be nice to know haha. I see people post about how they get engaged after a year but I've been with my girl for 2.5 and still unsure if I want to spend the rest of my life with her. The idea of being with anybody for the rest of your life can be scary to some, great to others.
SuperEpicMan
Banned
The date I had on last Sunday with the trans guy had kinda emboldened me to come out as pansexual to my family. Feels pretty good 👌. I also have a second date with him 😊.
Sygma
Member
Update on the ex situation, advice required.
Decided she needed to know how I was feeling as she's given off similar signals over the last few months so on Sunday I told her I fancied grabbing a drink, to which she agreed. It was the first time we've 'gone out' in public since the split and I didn't give off an indication of why I wanted to see her, so I was pleased that she agreed.
After a bit of chit chat I decided to get on with it. I told her that we can't be friends because I still care about her just as much as ever, and that her reaching out to me, while nice at the time, ultimately hurts. I said the last few months has been hard, but necessary and that seeing other people has been fun, but not the same. She agreed with this, and her body language suggested she agreed with the general direction of the conversation.
She said that she had thought I wasn't bothered as I've kept my distance during the 6 months. I told her that was out of respect for her and care for myself. I then said that I'm more than happy to see her so long as it's in similar situations, as in, we agree to go out together for drinks/activities 'without pressure' (though I didn't use the word 'dates'). Again this seemed to be accepted, and she agreed to stay out for more drinks. We ended up out for 3 hours or so.
Once 'the conversation' was done with, we ended up having a great time laughing and joking. Her guard seemed to come right down and it all felt just as good as ever. So at this point, I felt relieved to have told her my feelings and optimistic about where things might head.
When we went separate ways she said 'Don't try anything to make it awkward' which I took to mean 'Don't kiss me' - which was a little annoying, as I was about to try, but we had a nice long hug.
I text her the next morning to say 'I had a nice time last night'. She didn't answer that text, responding by telling me that she got to work late. The conversation didn't really escalate and she seemed slow to respond/blunt (though did say 'work is busy'). I told her to have a nice evening instead of trying to continue it.
Haven't heard from her since. I'm regretting that I didn't explicitly ask how she feels. She did seem surprised by what I told her and I'm wondering if she just needs to process things?
TLR - After months of ex (of 6.5 years) reaching out and me giving nothing away, I decided to tell her how I feel. She seemed to share my feelings but I haven't heard much since. What do I do next, give her some space or ask her to consider my feelings and let me down quick if necessary?
You basically fucked up big time. You should have kept the laughs going while keeping the feelings bit entirely out of the equation. What you conveyed when opening up was "im not able to put it together without you" and it was the LAST thing you should have said
Let her contact you but dont bring this up ever again. When she does, set up a date and conquer her all over again like its a new beginning.
Definitely let her bring the whole relationship stuff on the table. make her laugh, try to hook up and keep the dates up until she does
Megalosaro
Banned
It sounds pretty awesome to me. Having that constant there. That rock.
desertsession
Member
I reacted well. I didn't try to change her mind as at the time it was definitely necessary. I didn't beg or plead. I let her go her way and I threw myself into my own life and dated.
Wasn't an option. We have met 5/6 times in the last six months (her making excuses to see me), and chatted and laughed nicely before going back to not speaking for weeks. Recently the texting has gone up a level (sharing songs, pictures of things - not each other) so I had to let her know that we can't be friends as there's no point dragging it out if it's ultimately going nowhere.
Thursday update
Tried to chat to her yesterday, took 45 minutes to get 'Haha' in return so I left it there - so it's not looking good, but I wish she'd have the decency to return my honesty.
Sygma
Member
Try to keep all of your expectations and whatnot in check. I mean you re coming out too strongly while she's not in love with you, at all. She's still interested obviously because she's reaching out, but really for now keep it friendly at all times
She has to associate you with someone she feels great with, you know ? so do just that : have fun
The whole "this can't go on because of my feelings toward you" and whatnot, these are things done by the woman you want when she's feeling confused about where you stand, because you re actually holding back. You re letting her wonder while you're looking forward to spend time with her etc.
5/6 times is nothing, she's probably gonna need another month of you doing what I've just written to warm up to the idea that she wants to be with you. Stop pressuring her on that end
If its too painful for you as you said, walk away. Stop contacting her entirely. You're supposed to be her rock man
desertsession
Member
Understood. I don't regret telling her how I feel even if, as you say, I'm now in the 'weaker' position. With that in mind I won't follow up by asking for any more clarity, I'll just have to see what her actions tell me.
That said, I'll take comfort in the fact we did have a lot of fun on Sunday (post confession) which can't have hindered the cause. I will refrain from texting her again for now as I expect she will reach out at some point, going by past experiences, and given that we had a nice evening. When she does, I'll attempt to set up another 'date'.
Thanks for the advice. Any more is welcome.
Sygma
Member
That's the spirit ! simply set up dates and leave at that, then have fun with her. Rinse and repeat
Porcile
Member
Advice here was rubbish. After waiting for a while, we went on a second date and it was as good as the first one, except the weather was really fucking shitty so no nice stroll around the local waterfront. Shame. I think the slow responses are just her style and I'm not really writing in Japanese much to her either, so probably takes a while to write messages lol. Hopefully meeting again this weekend.
I'm married. Husband and I have been together 19 years and married 11.
To answer your question. For me, I just knew. Even though we got together young at 15 and 18, I knew by about 16 I was going to marry him one day. He made me happy, we share a lot of the same interests, have the same values, want the same things in life and just have fun together. I don't want to imagine my life without him in it. We got engaged 2 months after I turned 18 and married when I was 21 turning 22.
19 year later and he is still my best friend and we are still happy.
If you feel uncertain, I would try and look into why and see if it is something that can be fixed/worked on or if it is just nerves about being married or being with 1 person "forever".
dreamcastmaster
Banned
At 15 you were underage. I don't judge but maybe for this days and so many bad men chase u defame girl is not best example. No?
Advocatus Diaboli
Member
You simply cannot generalize about that particular age range. There's nothing (inherently) wrong with meeting at 15-18 and growing into a relationship.
Yes, this is the hill I'll die on. Had to prosecute that exact situation once (almost 16 year old girl, guy who just turned 18), and I still completely regret the whole thing.
Sygma
Member
Didn't see your initial post but yeah, little texting is actually GOOD ! Because it keeps all the topics of conversation for the date.
The whole "jauge her interest by the frequency of her texts" is absolute garbage. First of, because texting should be limited to set up dates, so you have a lot of things to talk about when you're in person. You re not going to create an opportunity for sex to happen via text ... that's anti climatic for most of women
And secondly, people have the right of not being interested to answer you on the go. Also you re not her friend or whatever, she's not your friend either ... you're persons interested in seeing how it's going to escalate. A romantic prospect, you know. You don't have to be the center of her world whenever she's reaching out. That's way too much at the beginning, plus you're putting her on a pedestal like "yes you can be the center of all my time and attention". Which she shouldn't be
Not answering on the spot doesn't mean they're not interested in you. It leaves a bit of mystery too which is never bad. "what is she / he up to ?"
Baron von Loathsome
Member
Haven't posted here in a while, but I need to vent.
The friend of mine that I like(d) just got told me that she's engaged with her boyfriend of less than six months. I was still oin thensour grapes stage of getting over here, and this new development has reopened the wound somewhat. Moreover, it's really exposing how pathetic I am.
I am turning twenty-three next week, but I have never been in a relationship. OK Cupid has not generated a single date in the few months I've been using it. The closest thing I've ever had to a job is the TAship I'm currently doing, and the industry I'm going into once graduating is extremely competitive such that I likely won't get to start a serious career for years. I feel immature and unsuited for what most women want from a serious relationship, but the women who are willing for such an easy-going, simple relationship that I'm looking for are getting too young for me to feel comfortable courting.
I just feel like all the doors are closing for me.
The friend of mine that I like(d) just got told me that she's engaged with her boyfriend of less than six months. I was still oin thensour grapes stage of getting over here, and this new development has reopened the wound somewhat. Moreover, it's really exposing how pathetic I am.
I am turning twenty-three next week, but I have never been in a relationship. OK Cupid has not generated a single date in the few months I've been using it. The closest thing I've ever had to a job is the TAship I'm currently doing, and the industry I'm going into once graduating is extremely competitive such that I likely won't get to start a serious career for years. I feel immature and unsuited for what most women want from a serious relationship, but the women who are willing for such an easy-going, simple relationship that I'm looking for are getting too young for me to feel comfortable courting.
I just feel like all the doors are closing for me.
Advocatus Diaboli
Member
You're 23. Nothing is closing for you.
Baron von Loathsome
Member
I'm sorry. I feel like a kid surrounded by adults.
Jzero
Member
Dawg get a job. Even a shitty one will do but you need a way to pay for dates/food/fun stuff.
You think that's bad I feel the same and i'm going to be 26 soon, you still have time
What? I don't really understand your post but It's not like he was 45 and I was 15. At 18 I was not underage any more.
He asked for a married persons opinion, I replied. We are very happily married.
Just went on the third date with a girl I really like. We ate some food together and then watched a movie in the cinema. When hugging goodbye, I knew this was the chance to kiss her. But I choked and didn't do it, which I now regret. I actually thought about saying something like I regret I didn't do it last time, but now I am going to make up for it ... and then slowly lean towards her and kiss her. Had it all planned in my head, but when the moment arrived I couldn't do it. I am surely overthinking it, but I am a bit shy and inexperienced with this stuff. Any tips?
dreamcastmaster
Banned
But you said the women you could date are too young? Sound like a perfect match to yoyr immaturity. Date one those girls and solve 99% of the problems you've just posyed.
I hate to use this, but it seems to work for me.
Just ask her "Do you want to kiss me?"
If it's a no, you will hear a no.
If there's something else in their body language that's indicative of hesitation, then you're probably okay.
edit: worst case scenario is a no or a "you can kiss me on the cheek" which is also a pretty good reason to bail.
Baron von Loathsome
Member
They're not too-too young (I'm talking 18-19), but ironically, I'd like to date someone as mature as I wanna be right now. It's just my way of naturally making things more complicated for myself.
Jzero
Member
These things take time, if it happens it happens.
Subpar Scrub
Banned
I started volunteering last night and theres some cool girls there. Didnt get much of a chance to talk to most of them because we were all learning the ropes at the same time, but Im enthusiastic.
Krauser Kat
Member
What are you volunteering for? I am thinking go joining Daniel Biss governor race team soon. Go and meet people and do some good work. hopefully design stuff for them.
Subpar Scrub
Banned
I wish I had politicians near me that I cared about tbh. Most of them suck.
I'm currently volunteering in a centre which provides free legal advice to those who are disadvantaged (low-income earners, youth, elderly, victims of domestic violence etc.) My job is basically to help the clients identify their issue and complete some forms, pass that information on to the most suitable solicitor and then assist that solicitor in referring to legislation or recording the conversation once they meet with the client.
I figured if I'm studying legal services, I may as well help people out with it before I graduate. I know that I would have been fucked trying to navigate the court system by myself before I started studying, so I can empathize with their fears and frustrations a bit. My first night there was a little rough because I had to remember the entire process from a 30-minute rant, but I think I'll get used to it pretty quickly. I enjoyed it, for the most part.
Krauser Kat
Member
Nice it sounds like good work. Maybe you will meet someone cool there.
Krauser Kat
Member
when i was going hard i was staying up until 1130 most nights on dates and even later if we made it back to someones house. I have to work at 7am and its an hour commute. I regularly got under 5 hours of sleep.
You can make your schedule work if you want. Sometimes its hard though.
Blam
Member
Oh man you're in the same position bruv.
I goto sleep around 12:30AM-1:30AM, gotta wake up at 6:30, have an hour commute, work till 6PMish and then leave for another hour commute. get come around 7:30PM.
I know that all too well. It's just I feel like such little time isn't enough for dates or anything like that. Plus I'm pretty sure I fucked my tinder brackets up since I see quite a few bots now. Could probably fix it on one boost tho.
Regardless not worth it. All the people I want to match with are inactive, and all the people I do match with are inactive or don't reply in a timely manner (more like 4 hours after I message).
Biss is a cool dude. He's going to have a lot more interest now that Pawar is out of the race.
Krauser Kat
Member
yeah i was doing work for pawar campaign. now ill start working with biss. He seems pretty genuine. But my ex is his social media manager... lol. im sure if i see her again it will be cool though.
After the womens march/trump i have been seeing more women at the political events around town. Also a great way to meet more like minded politically people organically.
Hello Dating-GAF. It me, the hopeless loser hooked to this girl who ignores me yet she doesn't want me to leave her.
I haven't update because honestly everything remains the same with her but at least I stopped worrying too much and just try to mind my business while she minds her own despite continuing being "in a relationship" As always, she says she is mad mad MAD busy with school/work and I understand. Last night however, I talked briefly with her and told me she is going to "escape" to a concert of her favorite band. Problem is, her dad didn't allow her to go AND the concert is going to be in another city. Despite of that, she is already on her way to the concert happening tonight.
Hahah I feel like an absolute utter shit right now. She doesn't have 10 minutes to chat or go out with me but she has the time to escape and go to a concert in another city with who knows who. She now will probably get grounded by her dad and we would probably never going out never again because of that. I think this was the last nail on the coffin. I've been extremely patience with her but my god... seriously I'm so pissed off right now I needed to vent somewhere and since I don't have friends, this is the only place to do so. :'/
I haven't update because honestly everything remains the same with her but at least I stopped worrying too much and just try to mind my business while she minds her own despite continuing being "in a relationship" As always, she says she is mad mad MAD busy with school/work and I understand. Last night however, I talked briefly with her and told me she is going to "escape" to a concert of her favorite band. Problem is, her dad didn't allow her to go AND the concert is going to be in another city. Despite of that, she is already on her way to the concert happening tonight.
Hahah I feel like an absolute utter shit right now. She doesn't have 10 minutes to chat or go out with me but she has the time to escape and go to a concert in another city with who knows who. She now will probably get grounded by her dad and we would probably never going out never again because of that. I think this was the last nail on the coffin. I've been extremely patience with her but my god... seriously I'm so pissed off right now I needed to vent somewhere and since I don't have friends, this is the only place to do so. :'/
Blam
Member
Leave her. She's using you and just stringing you along as a side piece. You're being treated like shit in this situation, and I guarantee she's got more then enough time for you without a doubt. If she says that she doesn't want you to leave her just drop it completely. She's going to guilt-trip you, and play to your emotions to get you to stay. No matter what she says don't even bother. I have a feeling like she's gonna say she'll kill herself if you leave or something along those lines.
I've had friends in these situations before, and it's never good to stay in them.
So for your sake drop her, and it'll get better. Everything will don't think that you won't find another one you will.
Going by that post history there have been a lotta nails buddy
PancakeBurglar
Member
People in this thread told you multiple times to break it off because she treats you with no respect. Actually do it and go find yourself someone who actually wants to be with you. Itll sting at first but in the long run youll be happy you moved on. If she loved you she wouldnt pull this shit.
Advocatus Diaboli
Member
You're not in a relationship. Or rather, you're in a dysfunctional one that actually causes you nothing but psychological heartache.
Please have some self-respect.
We have nothing more to offer you in this thread that we haven't already said.
Bro come on now. She checked out a long time ago, hell she's probably been dating someone else by now too. Bro, bro. Fucking tell her it's over, block, delete. Come on son, prolonging this misery isn't helping and this situation isn't going to get better, just worst.
Respect yourself, respect your time.
Jzero
Member
Grounded? Are you guys like 17 or something 😂
Seriously though, she doesn't like you, move on.