First post in this thread. Youngster here so it would be great if you pros could hear me out.
Every day has been a struggle so far this summer after my first year of college. I've been friends with this girl since September who I also had a crush on initially. She's nothing short of attractive and brilliant, vibrant personality and all. She never ceases to make me laugh, always there to lighten the mood whenever life just weighed me down. Unfortunately she has a boyfriend in another country, so I was naturally distant the first few months. But as the year went on we became closer and closer to the point that we hung out every single day. We would study together, eat together, watch movies together (she's into film as I am). Even our own friend circle wanted to find out if we were dating or not. We had so much in common, from music taste to our personal outlook on life. Having been an awkward shy guy throughout most of my adolescence I only kept a handful of friends and never even experienced a relationship as I was also a really cynical dude and thought everyone in my high school was either obnoxious or immature. When she came into my life I realized I had been missing out on so much and as a result I couldn't get enough of her.
So after we got closer I invited her to a concert one night and before you know it she starts holding my hand, rubbing my arm, and leaning on me. Mind you we both pre-gamed the event, but she was significantly more buzzed than I was. We went to another concert and what do you know it happened again. We slept on the same bed about three times throughout the year, cuddling and all, but mind you she was of course buzzed/drunk. It was so tempting to just kiss her right there, but never in my right mind would I take advantage of someone in that state and ruin a relationship.
A few days before we left for the summer we were studying late into the night in a quiet, dark lounge. She finally broke down and basically told me how she had barely anything in common with this guy and that if he was admitted into our college (he's a high school senior) she would have broken up with him. She also said he wants to take things further with her, yet couldn't possibly see a long term future with him. As the night went on she eventually fell asleep and yes, she leaned on me and held my hand again...perfectly sober this time. Deciding to finally go along with it, I tucked her in close, rubbed her leg, and felt her up. To my surprise she did not resist at all.
So here we are knee deep into summer and it's been two weeks since we last texted. After I sent her gifts and a handwritten card telling her how I felt I decided to cut her off and "have a break" since I respect her and I didn't want to get hurt anymore. She posted a picture just yesterday looking like she's having the time of her life with her bf. They've been dating for about a year now. She has been on my mind every single day since we last saw each other. The first couple of weeks we were apart were absolute fucking hell. I've been hitting the gym, running again, and just working on myself since then in order to mitigate this pain, but I still can't help but feel these outbursts of depression and anger and frustration. It's been slowly eating me alive. She hasn't even apologized or told me straight up that we should just be friends. Nothing.
I'm getting better each and every day but I know deep inside I'm still so torn and helpless. I don't know what else to do, I've done everything I could and she won't even fucking apologize for using me. I wouldn't want to lose her as a friend either as we have such fantastic chemistry together and truly enjoy each other's company.
Thanks for hearing me out GAF. Any comment would be great right now.
