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[Piecake]

Something tremendous is happening; over the last few weeks, without too many of its globe-headed detractors noticing, a surprisingly vast community on the tattered fringes of intellectual orthodoxy is in turmoil. A bizarre new theory has turned the flat earth upside down. The flat earth is still flat, but now it’s dotted with tiny imitations of the truly enormous trees that once covered the continents, and which in our deforested age we can hardly even remember.

But lately, there’s been a change; something new and furious is growing in the community. ‘No Forests on Flat Earth’ is an incredible new theory, proposed only last month. Its claim is grand, counterintuitive, and beautiful: we were lied to; our flat earth has no forests. Thousands of people are ready to believe it. This might prove to be important; you can’t understand our reality without understanding those dark and secret places where it’s denied. New discoveries in mainstream science just tell us about the physical universe; earth-shattering developments in the conspiracy-theory fringe tell us what’s happening to ourselves. ‘No Forests on Flat Earth’ might be the future of weirdness, and it’s utterly magnificent.

We start with a montage of forests, peaceful scenes studded with sunlight, the kind of pictures just waiting for some inspirational quote to be plastered on top of them. We’ve all seen forests, we all know what they are; how could anyone claim that they don’t exist? But our narrator knows better. “They make us think that this is a forest,” he tells us, “when you are actually looking at thirty-meter bushes. After watching this video, you will reverse your concept of forests by 360 degrees.” This isn’t a forest at all: only a diminished imitation. Thousands of years ago, a cataclysmic event destroyed 99% of the Earth’s biosphere, and when it happened, it took away the real forests. Real trees are nothing like their stunted cousins, the miserable perishing scraps of wood that we see today; they were truly vast, hundreds of kilometers tall, magical organisms that sustained a total living ecology of the flat earth. These things were the anchor of a beautiful world that has now vanished forever. And how does he know? Because everywhere around us, we can see their stumps.

http://www.theatlantic.com/science/archive/2016/09/flat-earth-truthers/499322/

Link to no forest on flat earth video

 

[Poltergust]

After watching this video, you will reverse your concept of forests by 360 degrees.

...

 

[Sai-kun]

WHAT?

 

[eBay Huckster]

i get it, because you'll turn around 360 degrees and walk away from the crackpot trying to sell this shit to you

 

[Kas]

What the fuck people, it's been a long day aND this much stupidity just hit my limit.

 

[Trojita]

biosphere

Don't you mean the biosquare?

 

[Retro]

If forests came about because of trees, how come there are still trees? Checkmate.

 

[Piecake]

What the fuck people, it's been a long day aND this much stupidity just hit my limit.

You just can't see it man. Wake up to the truth, sheeple. These forests are actually bushes. Expand your mind and see all of the tree stumps around you and realize the truth

 

[Dai Kaiju]

i get it, because you'll turn around 360 degrees and walk away from the crackpot trying to sell this shit to you

You'll just walk straight into the crackpot.

 

[WedgeX]

I mean. Their proof is pretty much irrefutable that trees used to be huge af.

Goodness.

 

[Hellwarden]

How come these trees haven't evolved into humans?

 

[Pantaghana]

 

[Terrorblot]

...

That's gotta be the most ironic quote I've ever heard.

 

[Kas]

You just can't see it man. Wake up to the truth, sheeple. These forests are actually bushes. Expand your mind and see all of the tree stumps around you and realize the truth

But like, nature exists. It's a thing you can go to and touch, taste, hear, and fuck.

How can they not actually see.

 

[uncredited male]

This is so JRPG.

 

[A Fish Aficionado]

I've been to the redwoods.
¯_(&#12484_/¯

 

[Zeyphersan]

What does this have to do with the earth being flat, though

 

[SJRB]

...I'd rather do the fucking dishes than watch a 1.5 hour video on this absolute idiocy.

 

[Santiako]

You'll just walk straight into the crackpot.

No, you'll moonwalk away from him.

 

[Media]

I'm not watching an hour and 30 min of bullshit. Can someone summarize?

Edit:
Like, a funny neogaf summary, not the article, I meant

 

[entremet]

This is a troll movement. Has to be.

 

[Piecake]

I'm not watching an hour and 30 min of bullshit. Can someone summarize?

The article does a good job of summarizing.

But basically, mesas (the flat rock formations) are ancient tree stumps.

 

[BitterSidekick]

I'm not watching an hour and 30 min of bullshit. Can someone summarize?

Flat earth, no trees, bullshit.

 

[firebricks3]

I made it to the 9 dolphins thing. this is dumb even for things of this type.

 

[Brakke]

I'm not watching an hour and 30 min of bullshit. Can someone summarize?

Yes wow if only someone would summarize this video.

Like, fuck, I don't know. Maybe Mr. Sam Kriss of the Atlantic?

 

[ClayKavalier]

What does this have to do with the earth being flat, though

Yeah, I don't see the connection either. Seems like a totally unrelated subfield of dipshittery.

 

[Syncytia]

I'm not watching an hour and 30 min of bullshit. Can someone summarize?

In perfect world, everything is fits.

In our cursed hell, nothing is fits.


I think the video is getting to petrified forest = proof that mountains are actually giant petrified trees.

 

[Andodalf]

And how does he know? Because everywhere around us, we can see their stumps

Wow. this is amazing!

 

[Chezzymann]

What does this have to do with the earth being flat, though

Science is a lie since NASA didn't land on the moon and satellites don't exist and the scientists are lying about our giant forest history

 

[Piecake]

Yeah, I don't see the connection either. Seems like a totally unrelated subfield of dipshittery.

What does this have to do with the earth being flat, though

Not just mesas—ordinary mountains are contrasted with the shattered, splintered remnants of trees; the Giant’s Causeway in Ireland is revealed to be a petrified organic structure, because (we’re told) cooling lava simply does not assume these shapes. There is no such thing as a mountain; there is no such thing as inert rock. Everything we walk on was once living wood, the mountain ranges were once tremendous forests reaching up to the stellar canopy, providing a link between humanity and the celestial spheres. The earth was really flat. But some malignant power cut all these trees down using vast machinery, and ever since then they’ve been gouging into the corpse of the earth, mining the dead trees for precious minerals, carving deep quarries that we, in our ignorance, call gorges and canyons (you can see the monstrous tracks leading away from Antarctic valleys); we think they’re natural, we even think that the traces of our destruction are somehow beautiful.

.

 

[SDCowboy]

Wait just a darn minute.....are they showing giant rock formations and mountains as somehow being tree stumps? And they also showed what looks to be the sumps of giant redwoods as trees from the past. Does he not realise they still exist today? lol

 

[Marz]

Sounds dope. Im with it.

 

[Stinkles]

I've been to the redwoods.
¯_(&#12484_/¯

Their point is that a majestic redwood is tiny compared to the thunderingly massive trees that existed before the Miyagi Corporation's pathetic Redwood Bonsai invasion.

Of course they also claim the Grand Canyon is a former mine.

You have to assume the "leaders" are trolls trying to see how far the followers will go (360 degrees, minimum).

 

[Jeffolation]

I suppose eventually people are going to start coming out against gravity. I mean you can't even see that shit.

 

[EdibleExplosives]

Feminine frooties!
(slightly nsfw)

 

[Laevateinn]

Someone replace the Xbox with a tree.

 

[SDCowboy]

Their point is that a majestic redwood is tiny compared to the thunderingly massive trees that existed before the Miyagi Corporation's pathetic Redwood Bonsai invasion.

Of course they also claim the Grand Canyon is a former mine.

You have to assume the "leaders" are trolls trying to see how far the followers will go (360 degrees, minimum).

Uh, giant redwoods of that stature (like the old picture of the stump) still exist in large quantity. Go to Sequoia sometime.

 

[John Kowalski]

 

[The Giant]

Seriously, these Flat-Earthers are a bunch of dopey cunts.

 

[neorej]

...

Well, they're not lying.

 

[Orniletter]

I genuinely don't understand what makes an individual....outright reject our collective scientific knowledge to believe in utter horseshit like this.

Like...take a biology course or something.

 

[Jisgsaw]

I suppose eventually people are going to start coming out against gravity. I mean you can't even see that shit.

Well, for the flat earth theory to work, you kinda have to disregard gravitation.

 

[The Kree]

So we're off the hook for deforestation?

OK.

 

[Princess Carl]

Seriously, these Flat-Earthers are a bunch of dopey cunts.

Buncha ciggy-butt brains.

 

[PlayALLtheGames]

Trees hundreds of kilometers tall? Hmmmmmmm.

 

[the_batman]

This is like how people jokingly worship the flying spaghetti monster.. right?

 

[Stinkles]

Uh, giant redwoods of that stature (like the old picture of the stump) still exist in large quantity. Go to Sequoia sometime.

I know, they're saying that there used to be trees exponentially more massive than that. I have been to sequoia. I don't know how they account for ANYTHING, let alone stuff that definitely still exists. these are people who claim Boeing puts in convex glass to fake the cruvature of the Earth at 20,000 feet.

 

[Abstrusity]

Flat earthers are crazy, man.

Can you believe none of them know the glory of the time cube?

 

[Sesuadra]

I suppose eventually people are going to start coming out against gravity. I mean you can't even see that shit.

You're late!

 

[brochiller]

...

That settles it. This is all a joke.