Brock Reiher
Banned
^^^
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Have your opposite sex friendships fizzled out as you gotten older?
- Thread starter entremet
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Earthbound64
Banned
Another thing, from the OP:
"the whole respect for the SO thing"?
Like, what even is this?
Are you having sex with them?
Are you making out with them?
Where's the "disrespect"?
The idea that having friends of the opposite gender is somehow "not respectful" is childish and comical.
"the whole respect for the SO thing"?
Like, what even is this?
Are you having sex with them?
Are you making out with them?
Where's the "disrespect"?
The idea that having friends of the opposite gender is somehow "not respectful" is childish and comical.
And yeah when you are dating or your female friends are dating things can get kind of weird if there are any jealous types involved. Depending on the person it can be hard to tell an SO hey Im gonna go hang out with so and so female/male name they dont really know. Totally does depend on the person but a lot of times its not going to happen unless its a group thing with your SO there as well, and generally as you get older it seems less and less often a group of people get together to hang out.
^^ some people are jeolous types and it may be childish and demonstrates a lack of trust, but on anecdotal experience Id say most people arent comfortable with their SO doing something 1:1 with a friend of the opposite sex. I myself used to be competitively cool with this but Ive been burned a few times with cheating with this very thing playing out, so its actually made me less trusting if an SO wants to do something by themselves with a friend. I wont say anything about it but past experiences do make me have some worried thoughts on it.
^^ some people are jeolous types and it may be childish and demonstrates a lack of trust, but on anecdotal experience Id say most people arent comfortable with their SO doing something 1:1 with a friend of the opposite sex. I myself used to be competitively cool with this but Ive been burned a few times with cheating with this very thing playing out, so its actually made me less trusting if an SO wants to do something by themselves with a friend. I wont say anything about it but past experiences do make me have some worried thoughts on it.
TheChuggernaut
Banned
Yeah, but it seems more of a location thing. My two best female friends both moved away, while my two best male friends still live pretty close. I still keep in contact with them, but we are for sure not as close
Chmpocalypse
Blizzard
^^^^^^^^^^^ x 1000
I don't even bother dealing with jealous types. I dropped my last gf because of that shit. No time for that, and it's incredibly unhealthy to stay with someone like that.
entremet
Member
They told me that in certain terms. You cant force people choices or reasoning.
So it was not I or them but their SOs who didnt feel comfortable with 1:1 time. One even said I was disrespecting him, through his gf.
Chmpocalypse
Blizzard
Their attitude is regressive as fuck. The whole thing is built on jealousy and sexism. Gross.
Earthbound64
Banned
entremet
Member
Well Im not gonna force it. So I just acquiesced. You cant force peoples choices or requests.
Today were just mostly FB friends, birthday texts, and thats it. There is a gulf now for reasons mentioned above.
Opposite sex friendships have always been a very fleeting thing for me.
I'm not a 'dater' at all, every relationship I've ever had started from a good friendship.
It's a sort of weakness of mine (I guess?) that I kind of struggle to separate just being friends without being romantically enamoured with someone after a certain amount of time.
I'm not a 'dater' at all, every relationship I've ever had started from a good friendship.
It's a sort of weakness of mine (I guess?) that I kind of struggle to separate just being friends without being romantically enamoured with someone after a certain amount of time.
AtomskEater
Member
Eh, sorta. When I was little I had interests in games, anime, etc and most of my friends were boys since they were most likely to (openly) like the same stuff. I had a few girl friends (mostly because they lived next door so we would play outside together). Once I got into high school my friends were mostly girls. Now I have like 2 friends IRL, I'm counting one girl friend from high school I still hang with and my boyfriend, who is my bestie now). My online friends are probably mostly guys. So I had more opposite friends early on, then it switched, and now (for IRL friends) it's even.
ghostwritingduck
Member
Thats not what I meant. When you spend a lot of time with someone and are very open with them (being honest about whatever topic) its not uncommon for one or both people to develop complicated feelings. I know Ive experienced a bunch of different variations. As a married adult, Im more guarded so I can use enjoy friendships without drama.
Earthbound64
Banned
Were there things you shared/did with your female friends that you didn't share/do with your male friends?
Were you not open and honest with your male friends?
I'm just not understanding why anything would be different by gender.
LookAtMeGo
Member
Girls are more fun to hang out with then guys.
ghostwritingduck
Member
Because physical attraction can complicate friendships? Good for you if its never been an issue for you.
Rentahamster
Rodent Whores
No. In fact I have more now than ever.
Earthbound64
Banned
Well, yeah, if you feel physical attraction for your friends, then that could complicate things.
I just don't see why one can't separate it, and just "be friends" with someone without being physically attracted to them.
Just because someone is of the opposite gender doesn't mean they have to be a target for physical attraction.
I feel like it would be very awkward to go through life like that.
Not to mention I would feel uncomfortable knowing someone I just saw as a friend was looking at me as a target of physical attraction.
True Savior
Member
I mostly had male friends and the females were friends of friends, outside of 2 girls (excluding girls who I dated) in separate occasions of life (one of which I also ended up dating after many years). As I grew older basically I only have new female friends, which probably makes sense as I get to meet them through dates while males only through work. At 31 I can say I have more female friends than male ones, which 5 years ago would be a bizarre statement.
IamDodongo
Member
Nope, I put the effort into keeping my friendships healthy
I think the conclusion I came up with is that women/women friendships tend to be more emotionally intimate than men/men ones and thus, they have more motivation to maintain that closeness over time. Men/men friendships are often based solely on shared interests and those can shift over time as priorities change.
Once men get married, they often rely entirely on their spouse for their emotional needs, which has its dangers.
The Hermit
Member
I don't think I've ever had female friends
pretty done
Member
Opposite. At work I pretty much only talk to chicks. It's just not easy for two adult men to "become" friends, especially when one is introverted as fuck.
isaacnukem
Member
I try to keep in touch with female friends but when I do make female friendships it always gains a romantic subtext. I've been told it's because I'm sweet. Now I'm gaining muscle so I fear for the females of the world.
Tbh the older I get the more I have as friends considering they either realize that I'm not trying to get with them so it's cool we're friends or they're somehow in a relationship they don't enjoy so they want more friends. I'm not trying to get with them given I've got my career to focus on but when you become an adult it's easier to deal with compared to when you're a kid.
Over time I lost about all my female friends moving out west. I have one that I consider my best friend and even she always talked about how we will never talk again once I move back east. A year later and me living back on the east coast and we just got off the phone so who knows. I think it depends on your sexuality more then anything.
Even the most platonic friend if you're both single(ymmv straight male to straight female here) has sexual tension linger in for at least one party. That being said it could be as simple as not being laid in awhile that lets that creep in but I have seen it and felt it many times already with other friendships. I don't expect to be as close to her once I find another long term relationship(Edit: which is not a fact I am happy about I just have experienced it enough to expect it. Almost an enjoying the friendship while its prominent in my life if you will).
Speaking to male friends I can't say I lost any of them. Not as close sure. I might only talk to them once a year but at the end of the day when we meet up its like nothing really changed except our experiences. That's after not seeing a few people for 5-10 years before that so not a short amount of time.
Even the most platonic friend if you're both single(ymmv straight male to straight female here) has sexual tension linger in for at least one party. That being said it could be as simple as not being laid in awhile that lets that creep in but I have seen it and felt it many times already with other friendships. I don't expect to be as close to her once I find another long term relationship(Edit: which is not a fact I am happy about I just have experienced it enough to expect it. Almost an enjoying the friendship while its prominent in my life if you will).
Speaking to male friends I can't say I lost any of them. Not as close sure. I might only talk to them once a year but at the end of the day when we meet up its like nothing really changed except our experiences. That's after not seeing a few people for 5-10 years before that so not a short amount of time.
I am 31 years old and single. I would say that I have as many female friendships now as I have in the past.
My problem is it's really hard to not flirt with them. It's not like I am just viewing them as sex objects or anything, but being around a women and spending time with them just brings something out in me that I don't get in a male friendship. I constantly have to check myself and make sure I am not crossing any lines.
My problem is it's really hard to not flirt with them. It's not like I am just viewing them as sex objects or anything, but being around a women and spending time with them just brings something out in me that I don't get in a male friendship. I constantly have to check myself and make sure I am not crossing any lines.
28. The past half decade I've shedded almost all of my close male friends. I feel so much better for it, too. I find it very hard to form close friendships with anyone, but especially with men. I find it hard to articulate, but even platonically, I find I'm just much more intimate with women. I express myself more, I feel comfortable, and I feel more... Productive as a person to be able to maintain healthy, platonic, opposite sex relationships.
And like, most of my close friends now have boyfriends, and I like hanging out with them. I still have the ability to watch a Sport and do a Drink, or play video games, or other traditionally (abitrarily) masculine things.
But Christ it took me a long time to not be a gross weirdo. Like, it didn't come naturally to me, and I certainly burned some bridges cuz I was bad at just seeing a friendship as a friendship. And that sucked. But, I dunno. Even if you're like me, some weird dorky loser with crippling anxiety and the occasional lapses of judgement. I think it's good.
And like, most of my close friends now have boyfriends, and I like hanging out with them. I still have the ability to watch a Sport and do a Drink, or play video games, or other traditionally (abitrarily) masculine things.
But Christ it took me a long time to not be a gross weirdo. Like, it didn't come naturally to me, and I certainly burned some bridges cuz I was bad at just seeing a friendship as a friendship. And that sucked. But, I dunno. Even if you're like me, some weird dorky loser with crippling anxiety and the occasional lapses of judgement. I think it's good.
RespectThySole
Member
I used to have a lot of female friends in high school and my first couple years of college. Dont really have a close relationship with any of them these days though. We just occasionally hang out at parties/gatherings and sometimes chat on social media. Mostly due to distance/gfs deteriorating things I guess.
ghostwritingduck
Member
You can seperate it, but it takes a little mindfulness. When I was younger, I assumed everything would just fall in place but got hit by both sides of the equation at times; surprised by unexpected confessions of deep crushes, and realizing that feelings for a friend had changed to wanting more. When youre single, thats fine, but once I met my wife, I realized those situations were avoidable by creating some boundaries and avoiding circumstances that could create the possibilty of things getting complicated.
Even if youre not initially attracted to someone, spending time and getting close to a person can change the way you see them.
Vermillion
Banned
It's weird, 'cause even if you don't do anything inappropriate with your female friends, the ability to hang out the way you used to threatens to evaporate in a relationship.
Hanging out at their place and drinking, for example, becomes HEAVILY frowned upon.
It's actually really depressing. And if you're not facing this in your relationship, they're probably facing it from theirs. Easier to get and stay close with male friends - almost no point in doing the opposite.
That's life tho.
Hanging out at their place and drinking, for example, becomes HEAVILY frowned upon.
It's actually really depressing. And if you're not facing this in your relationship, they're probably facing it from theirs. Easier to get and stay close with male friends - almost no point in doing the opposite.
That's life tho.
Just a preface: male here, late twenties, heterosexual, married for going on five years to a girl I met in college.
This is going to be a long post, so bear with me...Short answer is: yes they fizzled out after college, but now they are returning.
Growing up as a kid, I always had primarily male friends, and I never had too too many. It was always a pretty tight-knit group. This dynamic somewhat changed during the later years of high school, when my "core group" started befriending more females, and it was a more even distribution (maybe 60/40 male/female split). I remember senior year especially, I would hang out with four people: two males and two females. Granted, I was always closer to my male friends in high school, but I started growing closer to platonic female friends. I was not interested in dating at this point (the two female friends the group gathered was because one of them was an ex with one of my male friends in high school who continued to be friends afterwards). Anyway, I wouldn't say it was a strong female friendship, but I started to realize that platonic female friendships can exist just as easily as male ones.
Fast forward to college. First year, of course, I grow close to a handful of male friends almost immediately. But then about a month or two in I meet my future wife and we start dating and start hanging out with her friends, which merge with my friends. At this point, we have quite a large group of half and half males and females who hang out with each other on a very regular basis. This is the closest I've ever been to that "sitcom" feel you speak of in the OP. We were around each other constantly. This was mostly in freshman and sophomore year.
The later years of college people splintered off quite a bit more. We all still were friends, surely, but smaller groups within the larger group started to form. I still had two or three male friends I'd regularly hang out with, and my girlfriend (now wife) had her three or four female friends she'd hang out with. I was essentially part of both of these groups. There was overlap, as mentioned, we all hung out a lot together in the earlier days, but now as college presses on you get more internalized.
Eventually, the most common group dynamic became myself, my girlfriend, her 3 female friends, and my male best friend (who was extremely close with one of my girlfriend's friends). So a gang where two men were outnumbered by women. We were a pretty tight group, especially in the later years of college. My girlfriend and two of her best friends were roommates from sophomore year to the end of college, and junior year they moved into a house together. A house I ended up essentially living at (I lived on campus, but was at the house all the time). At this point, I effectively became really good friends with all the women even more so than before, so much that I'd call them plus my best male friends my best friends from college. Senior year I bit the bullet and officially moved in with them all, threes company style. One man (me) and three women. Again, these were my best friends in college. My best male friend was over to our house very frequently.
This is the point of my life when I realize I get along with women a lot easier than I get along with men. It's also the point I realize my male best friend in college was gay, for whatever that is worth.
After college, we all moved away and went our separate ways. I married my girlfriend, all our college friends were of course in attendance. We keep in touch, but we don't live in the same city anymore. The friendships never "fizzled out", but they aren't very active since we aren't geographically in the same place.
After we get married, my wife and I move to Austin, TX for her work. At this point, naturally, we start making friends. It becomes clear that the married dynamic for friendship is two-fold: either you are friends with someone of the same-sex or you are friends with a another couple. It becomes increasingly hard for me to become close to male acquaintances, as my bar for friendship is quite high already, and, as I said, it's more difficult for me to get along with men than women, for whatever reason (I could write a whole thread about this). The solid male friendships I do develop form from the mutual couple friends my wife and I share. The dynamic, there, of course, is that that the men are more friendly with each other and the women more friendly with each other, so I never got significantly close to a platonic female friend.
At the beginning of this year, however, I switched jobs. Usually I'm not the greatest at forming workplace friendships, but at this new job I almost immediately click with a female co-worker and we become pretty good friends. A couple months later, another female joins the team and befriends us both fairly quickly. We three start hanging out at work frequently, getting coffee, talking in the break room, etc. At this point at work, I'd consider them both my best friends at the office, and we've begun a friendship outside of work as well. So I am happy to report that female friends are still possible later in life, and I'm glad I've acquired some new ones recently.
However, I will say I can still feel the stigma. Being a married man is also another cog in the gear because people automatically assume the worst. One of my female friends is in a committed relationship with a guy that works at the office (albeit in a different department), so it's less weird, as we'll almost always include him in stuff we do outside of work (which I include my wife in of course). However, the other female friend is single, and fairly young (early-to-mid 20s). And I definitely feel a haze of judgment occasionally when we go out for coffee together or chat together, just the two of us. Which is a shame, because it's the 21st century, and men and woman are allowed to be friends. I fear that these friendships will fizzle out, too, though. Like you said, because of how society views men and women being friends. As people get into committed relationships, room for opposite sex friendships become less and less and the ones that do form are viewed in a skeptical light from the outside world. So it may just be how society works, for now. I do hope one day people can move on from that at some point, but in my experience it still seems to be there.
Anyway, apologizes for the lengthy post. I've had this topic on my mind for a while. It's something I think about since I've realized I'm really no good at converting male acquaintances to friends, they're very closed off all the time and literally never say what they mean. It's so much easier to get to know females, in my experience. And they're way easier to talk to, to boot.
This is going to be a long post, so bear with me...Short answer is: yes they fizzled out after college, but now they are returning.
Growing up as a kid, I always had primarily male friends, and I never had too too many. It was always a pretty tight-knit group. This dynamic somewhat changed during the later years of high school, when my "core group" started befriending more females, and it was a more even distribution (maybe 60/40 male/female split). I remember senior year especially, I would hang out with four people: two males and two females. Granted, I was always closer to my male friends in high school, but I started growing closer to platonic female friends. I was not interested in dating at this point (the two female friends the group gathered was because one of them was an ex with one of my male friends in high school who continued to be friends afterwards). Anyway, I wouldn't say it was a strong female friendship, but I started to realize that platonic female friendships can exist just as easily as male ones.
Fast forward to college. First year, of course, I grow close to a handful of male friends almost immediately. But then about a month or two in I meet my future wife and we start dating and start hanging out with her friends, which merge with my friends. At this point, we have quite a large group of half and half males and females who hang out with each other on a very regular basis. This is the closest I've ever been to that "sitcom" feel you speak of in the OP. We were around each other constantly. This was mostly in freshman and sophomore year.
The later years of college people splintered off quite a bit more. We all still were friends, surely, but smaller groups within the larger group started to form. I still had two or three male friends I'd regularly hang out with, and my girlfriend (now wife) had her three or four female friends she'd hang out with. I was essentially part of both of these groups. There was overlap, as mentioned, we all hung out a lot together in the earlier days, but now as college presses on you get more internalized.
Eventually, the most common group dynamic became myself, my girlfriend, her 3 female friends, and my male best friend (who was extremely close with one of my girlfriend's friends). So a gang where two men were outnumbered by women. We were a pretty tight group, especially in the later years of college. My girlfriend and two of her best friends were roommates from sophomore year to the end of college, and junior year they moved into a house together. A house I ended up essentially living at (I lived on campus, but was at the house all the time). At this point, I effectively became really good friends with all the women even more so than before, so much that I'd call them plus my best male friends my best friends from college. Senior year I bit the bullet and officially moved in with them all, threes company style. One man (me) and three women. Again, these were my best friends in college. My best male friend was over to our house very frequently.
This is the point of my life when I realize I get along with women a lot easier than I get along with men. It's also the point I realize my male best friend in college was gay, for whatever that is worth.
After college, we all moved away and went our separate ways. I married my girlfriend, all our college friends were of course in attendance. We keep in touch, but we don't live in the same city anymore. The friendships never "fizzled out", but they aren't very active since we aren't geographically in the same place.
After we get married, my wife and I move to Austin, TX for her work. At this point, naturally, we start making friends. It becomes clear that the married dynamic for friendship is two-fold: either you are friends with someone of the same-sex or you are friends with a another couple. It becomes increasingly hard for me to become close to male acquaintances, as my bar for friendship is quite high already, and, as I said, it's more difficult for me to get along with men than women, for whatever reason (I could write a whole thread about this). The solid male friendships I do develop form from the mutual couple friends my wife and I share. The dynamic, there, of course, is that that the men are more friendly with each other and the women more friendly with each other, so I never got significantly close to a platonic female friend.
At the beginning of this year, however, I switched jobs. Usually I'm not the greatest at forming workplace friendships, but at this new job I almost immediately click with a female co-worker and we become pretty good friends. A couple months later, another female joins the team and befriends us both fairly quickly. We three start hanging out at work frequently, getting coffee, talking in the break room, etc. At this point at work, I'd consider them both my best friends at the office, and we've begun a friendship outside of work as well. So I am happy to report that female friends are still possible later in life, and I'm glad I've acquired some new ones recently.
However, I will say I can still feel the stigma. Being a married man is also another cog in the gear because people automatically assume the worst. One of my female friends is in a committed relationship with a guy that works at the office (albeit in a different department), so it's less weird, as we'll almost always include him in stuff we do outside of work (which I include my wife in of course). However, the other female friend is single, and fairly young (early-to-mid 20s). And I definitely feel a haze of judgment occasionally when we go out for coffee together or chat together, just the two of us. Which is a shame, because it's the 21st century, and men and woman are allowed to be friends. I fear that these friendships will fizzle out, too, though. Like you said, because of how society views men and women being friends. As people get into committed relationships, room for opposite sex friendships become less and less and the ones that do form are viewed in a skeptical light from the outside world. So it may just be how society works, for now. I do hope one day people can move on from that at some point, but in my experience it still seems to be there.
Anyway, apologizes for the lengthy post. I've had this topic on my mind for a while. It's something I think about since I've realized I'm really no good at converting male acquaintances to friends, they're very closed off all the time and literally never say what they mean. It's so much easier to get to know females, in my experience. And they're way easier to talk to, to boot.
Krauser Kat
Member
This jealousy is gross.
I have 4 female friends. Fucked 3 of them we all decided we were awesome people but not for relationships. Once we decided to be platonic its easy peasy.
Earthbound64
Banned
Aww, Timey. I hope you consider me a friend. Even if you don't, I consider you a friend
But, yeah, as you noted, the way that society - and even some people in this thread - view male/female friendships is problematic. And it really doesn't have to be that way.
Angry Grimace
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other and says "does something taste funny to you?"
I have 3 friends total.
Earthbound64
Banned
So if, for instance, you're 28 and have a friend who's 56, do you have to stop being friends with her when you're 29 and she's 57 since she's not twice your age anymore, and won't ever be again?
TimeEffect
Member
Should have polled how many people are married lol.
Also, Im 27 and pretty much all my friendships but 1 or 2 fizzled. It sucks. I don't know how to reignite them.
Also, Im 27 and pretty much all my friendships but 1 or 2 fizzled. It sucks. I don't know how to reignite them.
Rhomega Beta
Member
I make better friends with women than men.