Let me introduce myself... I am "Sadsic", and I have lead a pretty miserable existence...
I am 21 years old, and have generally been heavily depressed my entire life. I come from a family with a lot of mental illness; my mother has bipolar disorder, my grandmother has ocd, my grandfather has depression, my aunt has Munchhausen's, my cousin has tourette's, my other grandmother killed herself, my aunt had schizophrenia until she killed herself, my uncle has bipolar, and I have some mental illnesses myself... so I most likely have a flawed view on reality.
My parents divorced when I was 8, and I lived with my mother (with my sister)... she was (and is) very unstable. Her boyfriend at the time raped me, and my mother never believed it. I repressed this until I was 15, because my mother told me it didn't happen... I tried to kill her when I was 9, but she subdued me. I'm not sure why I did that.
I was intensely abused by my mom for roughly the rest of my childhood, in a lot of ways that I cannot get over... sometimes she would berate me, hit me, call me anything she could think of, for hours on end. It was really painful, but I had no where else to go. I tried running away a few times but it never succeeded. No matter what I did, I couldn't get away...
I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when I was 13, and after that, things became worse. Roughly 20% of my adolescence was spent locked away in mental hospitals or group homes against my will, it was like being raped over and over. I was put on many different drugs without me having any control, including one that made me go blind and have a severe brain condition which nearly killed me; I now have permanent eye and spine damage. I also have wrecked my heart, liver and kidneys by the high amount of drugs I was forced on throughout my life.
I came out as bisexual when I was 16, and a lot of my family abandoned me. My grandfather believes I am a "wrong" person, and a lot of my father's family pretends I don't exist. I was bullied a lot in high school for being gay even though I wasn't, and I also had severe anxiety problems from the amount of abuse my mother gave me.
I was blamed for ruining all my mom's relationships during my childhood and was told I had an oedipus complex by one man she almost married, which deeply disturbed and disgusted me (he had asperger's, and I think he was projecting this from his own bullshit). So, when my mother decided to get married to a man she only knew for a month, I did not do anything. She re-married, and became a much more violent person afterwards, as she realized he was a much different person than he seemed.
My mother then started torturing me on a daily basis, drawing bras on me and demasculating me, while endlessly berating me for being a complete failure, which I was at the time... I had basically given up on high school and was in and out of mental hospitals all the time at this point. I was kicked out to my dad's house, but they could not handle me (nor anyone else in my family), so I was sent back after a few months. I cannot say how horrible these years were.
At some point around here, I met my first long term girlfriend... we were deeply in love, and we sort of pulled each other together, with her and I graduating 1st and 2nd in our class (in that order). At some point she cheated on me with a man who was 40 years older than her and left me devastated... this was when things became very bleak.
When I was 18, I tried going to college; I had horrible panic attacks and had to be hospitalized multiple times to keep me from killing myself... I couldn't live with being a failure, and I mother repeated told me that if I didn't go to school anymore I would be homeless. I was not able to keep a steady job during this part because of my panic attacks, and was mostly being taken against my will by the police over and over to mental hospitals to try worse and worse drugs on myself...
When I was 20, I was put in a mental hospital, and was told over the phone that I was homeless and had to go a homeless shelter... I owned a car at this point, but my mother refused to pick me up, so i walked 20 miles to my grandparent's house (which was the closest relative), but they pretended they didn't know me, and had my aunt pick me up instead of acknowledging they had a bisexual grandson.
I was then immediately taken back to another mental facility, which told me I was sane, and was released, only to have mother then put me in a group home against my will for nearly a year... I hated living there, and somewhere around early 2011 I got out of there, and had convinced my mother to let me move back in, in the hopes of letting me have a steady job so I could support myself (which I couldn't at the group home). After about 2 months of looking for a job, my mother could not stand me being with her and just told me to leave, and never see her again. Out of desperation, I called my father, who lived 7 states away, to see if I had any last hope of a place to live. Luckily, he said yes, but I had no way to get there other than to drive. I had no money, so I sold 80% of my belongings to scrap together the gas money to get there.
I slept in my car a few days, not knowing if I could even reach there, not knowing if I could even feed myself, and eventually made it there... I couldn't stop crying for many days. For the longest time, I didn't realize I was being abused... I thought I deserved all the pain my mother gave me. But I realize now I was just a kid, and there was no way I could've deserved such an existence... there was so many times where I had to be made fun of, and screamed at, and mentally destroyed to the state of being physically catatonic, I'm not even sure why. It hurts me so much... why did my mom do that to me, I struggle with this so hard... why did God let me suffer?
I'm crying and feeling so suicidal at this moment in my life... I haven't been able to restart college since I've been here successfully and I'm currently unemployed... my last girlfriend hates me and I don't have any money or friends really.
I didn't write all this for pity, I don't want to be told sorry, I just want to know... how do I live with this? My life so far has been so intensely miserable, I have spent most of my life in situations I couldn't control, being made fun of, being betrayed, being hurt, by people I loved. How do I not just feel like death all day?
EDIT: this is also missing a lot of other things that hurt/confused me, like living with my uncle for a short time and being blamed for my mother's abortion, being forced by my grandparents into a sexual relationship with my cousin, having a mental breakdown in the middle of a party, etc.
I am 21 years old, and have generally been heavily depressed my entire life. I come from a family with a lot of mental illness; my mother has bipolar disorder, my grandmother has ocd, my grandfather has depression, my aunt has Munchhausen's, my cousin has tourette's, my other grandmother killed herself, my aunt had schizophrenia until she killed herself, my uncle has bipolar, and I have some mental illnesses myself... so I most likely have a flawed view on reality.
My parents divorced when I was 8, and I lived with my mother (with my sister)... she was (and is) very unstable. Her boyfriend at the time raped me, and my mother never believed it. I repressed this until I was 15, because my mother told me it didn't happen... I tried to kill her when I was 9, but she subdued me. I'm not sure why I did that.
I was intensely abused by my mom for roughly the rest of my childhood, in a lot of ways that I cannot get over... sometimes she would berate me, hit me, call me anything she could think of, for hours on end. It was really painful, but I had no where else to go. I tried running away a few times but it never succeeded. No matter what I did, I couldn't get away...
I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when I was 13, and after that, things became worse. Roughly 20% of my adolescence was spent locked away in mental hospitals or group homes against my will, it was like being raped over and over. I was put on many different drugs without me having any control, including one that made me go blind and have a severe brain condition which nearly killed me; I now have permanent eye and spine damage. I also have wrecked my heart, liver and kidneys by the high amount of drugs I was forced on throughout my life.
I came out as bisexual when I was 16, and a lot of my family abandoned me. My grandfather believes I am a "wrong" person, and a lot of my father's family pretends I don't exist. I was bullied a lot in high school for being gay even though I wasn't, and I also had severe anxiety problems from the amount of abuse my mother gave me.
I was blamed for ruining all my mom's relationships during my childhood and was told I had an oedipus complex by one man she almost married, which deeply disturbed and disgusted me (he had asperger's, and I think he was projecting this from his own bullshit). So, when my mother decided to get married to a man she only knew for a month, I did not do anything. She re-married, and became a much more violent person afterwards, as she realized he was a much different person than he seemed.
My mother then started torturing me on a daily basis, drawing bras on me and demasculating me, while endlessly berating me for being a complete failure, which I was at the time... I had basically given up on high school and was in and out of mental hospitals all the time at this point. I was kicked out to my dad's house, but they could not handle me (nor anyone else in my family), so I was sent back after a few months. I cannot say how horrible these years were.
At some point around here, I met my first long term girlfriend... we were deeply in love, and we sort of pulled each other together, with her and I graduating 1st and 2nd in our class (in that order). At some point she cheated on me with a man who was 40 years older than her and left me devastated... this was when things became very bleak.
When I was 18, I tried going to college; I had horrible panic attacks and had to be hospitalized multiple times to keep me from killing myself... I couldn't live with being a failure, and I mother repeated told me that if I didn't go to school anymore I would be homeless. I was not able to keep a steady job during this part because of my panic attacks, and was mostly being taken against my will by the police over and over to mental hospitals to try worse and worse drugs on myself...
When I was 20, I was put in a mental hospital, and was told over the phone that I was homeless and had to go a homeless shelter... I owned a car at this point, but my mother refused to pick me up, so i walked 20 miles to my grandparent's house (which was the closest relative), but they pretended they didn't know me, and had my aunt pick me up instead of acknowledging they had a bisexual grandson.
I was then immediately taken back to another mental facility, which told me I was sane, and was released, only to have mother then put me in a group home against my will for nearly a year... I hated living there, and somewhere around early 2011 I got out of there, and had convinced my mother to let me move back in, in the hopes of letting me have a steady job so I could support myself (which I couldn't at the group home). After about 2 months of looking for a job, my mother could not stand me being with her and just told me to leave, and never see her again. Out of desperation, I called my father, who lived 7 states away, to see if I had any last hope of a place to live. Luckily, he said yes, but I had no way to get there other than to drive. I had no money, so I sold 80% of my belongings to scrap together the gas money to get there.
I slept in my car a few days, not knowing if I could even reach there, not knowing if I could even feed myself, and eventually made it there... I couldn't stop crying for many days. For the longest time, I didn't realize I was being abused... I thought I deserved all the pain my mother gave me. But I realize now I was just a kid, and there was no way I could've deserved such an existence... there was so many times where I had to be made fun of, and screamed at, and mentally destroyed to the state of being physically catatonic, I'm not even sure why. It hurts me so much... why did my mom do that to me, I struggle with this so hard... why did God let me suffer?
I'm crying and feeling so suicidal at this moment in my life... I haven't been able to restart college since I've been here successfully and I'm currently unemployed... my last girlfriend hates me and I don't have any money or friends really.
I didn't write all this for pity, I don't want to be told sorry, I just want to know... how do I live with this? My life so far has been so intensely miserable, I have spent most of my life in situations I couldn't control, being made fun of, being betrayed, being hurt, by people I loved. How do I not just feel like death all day?
EDIT: this is also missing a lot of other things that hurt/confused me, like living with my uncle for a short time and being blamed for my mother's abortion, being forced by my grandparents into a sexual relationship with my cousin, having a mental breakdown in the middle of a party, etc.