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If Ayn Rand had written Harry Potter

Trojita

Trojita

Rapid Response Threadmaker
http://the-toast.net/2014/05/27/ayn-rands-harry-potter-sorcerers-stone/

”You're a wizard, Harry," Hagrid said. ”And you're coming to Hogwarts."

”What's Hogwarts?" Harry asked.

”It's wizard school."

”It's not a public school, is it?"

”No, it's privately run."

”Good. Then I accept. Children are not the property of the state; everyone who wishes to do so has the right to offer educational goods or services at a fair market rate. Let us leave at once."
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”Malfoy bought the whole team brand-new Nimbus Cleansweeps!" Ron said, like a poor person. ”That's not fair!"

”Everything that is possible is fair," Harry reminded him gently. ”If he is able to purchase better equipment, that is his right as an individual. How is Draco's superior purchasing ability qualitatively different from my superior Snitch-catching ability?"

”I guess it isn't," Ron said crossly.

Harry laughed, cool and remote, like if a mountain were to laugh. ”Someday you'll understand, Ron."
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C

caliph95

Member
oh i remember this
i like the Voldemort part sounds like atlas shrugged or what i remember

“Give me your wand, boy,” Voldemort hissed.

“I cannot do that. This wand represents my wealth, which is itself a tangible result of my achievements. Wealth is the product of man’s capacity to think,” Harry said bravely.

Voldemort gasped.

“There is a level of cowardice lower than that of the conformist: the fashionable non-conformist.”

Voldemort began to melt. Harry lit a cigarette, because he was the master of fire.

“The smallest minority on earth is the individual. Those who deny individual rights cannot claim to be defenders of minorities. The minimum wage is a tax on the successful. The market will naturally dictate the minimum wage without the government stepping in to determine arbitrary limits.”

Voldemort howled.

“I’m going to sell copies of my wand at an enormous markup,” Harry said, “and you can buy one like everyone else.”

Voldemort had been defeated.

“He hated us for our freedom,” Ron said.

“No, Ron,” Harry said. “He hated us for our free markets.”

Hermione ached with desire for the both of them to master her, but nobody paid her any attention. They had empires to build.
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Duxxy3

Duxxy3

Member
I would assume that Voldemort would win because he worked the hardest and went further with the dark arts than anybody else.
 
A

Altazor

Member
Harry sighed. “The fundamental standard for all relationships is the trader principle, Ron.”

“I don’t understand,” Ron said.

“Of course you don’t,” said Harry affectionately. “This principle holds that we should interact with people on the basis of the values we can trade with them – values of all sorts, including common interests in art, sports or music, similar philosophical outlooks, political beliefs, sense of life, and more. Dead people have no value according to the trader principle.”

“But they gave birth to y–“

“I made myself, Ron,” Harry said firmly.
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I'm dying here 😆😆😆
 
A

Altazor

Member
From its sequel, Ayn Rand's Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets:

”A house-elf must be set free, sir. And the family will never set Dobby free...Dobby will serve the family until he dies, sir..."

Harry stared. ”Listen, Dobby," he explained, patiently taking a knee. ”Freedom, in a political context, has only one meaning: the absence of physical coercion. It does not mean freedom from the landlord, or freedom from the employer, or freedom from the laws of nature which do not provide men with automatic prosperity. It means freedom from the coercive power of the state, and nothing more."

Almost at once, Harry wished he hadn't spoken. Dobby dissolved again into wails of gratitude.

”Harry Potter is t-too good to Dobby, sir!"

”Listen," Harry continued briskly, ”because I'm only going to explain this once; I'm late for Model UN Club, which I'm protesting as fascism disguised as cooperation this afternoon. Knowledge, thinking, and rational action are properties of the what, Dobby?"

”The–the individual, sir," Dobby whimpered.

”That's right, Dobby. And since the choice to exercise his rational faculty or not depends on the individual, man's survival requires that those who think be free of..."

”The interference of those who don't, sir?" Dobby asked hopefully.

”Exactly," said Harry. ”Now, since wizards are neither omniscient nor infallible, they must be free to agree or disagree, to cooperate or to pursue their own independent course, each according to his own rational judgment. Freedom is the fundamental requirement of man's mind. A rational mind does not work under compulsion; it does not subordinate its grasp of reality to anyone's orders, directives, or controls; it does not sacrifice its knowledge, its view of the truth, to anyone's opinions, threats, wishes, plans, or ”welfare." Such a mind may be hampered by others, it may be silenced, proscribed, imprisoned, or destroyed; it cannot be forced. Which means..." Harry prompted.

”Which means...a wand is not an argument, sir!" cried Dobby in amazement.

”You have been free this whole time," Harry said. ”Have a fiver."

Dobby's eyes glinted with the fire of an individual who has come to appreciate the value of money.
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A

Anoregon

The flight plan I just filed with the agency list me, my men, Dr. Pavel here. But only one of you!
zeemumu said:
Hagrid Shrugged
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ue1FlGQ.gif
 
F

Fuchsdh

Member
They did a really good job of amping up what could be considered the weaker parts of Rowling's writing style up to eleven alongside the hilarious libertarian stuff.
 
K

KarasuEXE

Member
“You see, that’s what I admire about you, Harry. You always know.”

“Drop the compliments, Hermione.”

“But I mean it. How do you always manage to decide?”

“How can you let others decide for you?”

“But you see, I’m not sure, Harry. I’m never sure of myself. I don’t know whether I’m as good as they all tell me I am. I wouldn’t admit that to anyone but you. I think it’s because you’re always so sure that I–”

“I didn’t know it before. But it’s because I’ve never believed in God.”

“Come on, talk sense.” Hermione twisted the emerald cuff on her thin wrist.

“Because I love this earth. That’s all I love. I don’t like the shape of things on this earth. I want to change them.”

“For whom?”

“For myself.”

“Kiss me, you fool,” Hermione cried.

Harry did, efficiently. “You don’t have to applaud,” he said. “I don’t expect it.”
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This is weirdly addictive.
 
A

Altazor

Member
“Dobby is an end unto himself!” the elf chuckled as he capered down the hallway. “Dobby is dedicated to his own values!”

“Cheer up,” Harry said to Draco. “Have a fiver.”
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godfuckingdammit
 
T

Toa TAK

Banned
“A creative man is motivated by the desire to achieve, not by the desire to beat others,” Harry said from a davenport in the corner, half lying, sprawled limply like a kitten. It had often astonished Lockhart; he had seen Potter moving with the soundless tension, the control, the precision of a cat; he had seen him relaxed, like a cat, in shapeless ease, as if his body held no single solid bone.

“People think that a liar gains a victory over his victim,” Harry continued. “What I’ve learned is that a lie is an act of self-abdication, because one surrenders one’s reality to the person to whom one lies, making that person one’s master, condemning oneself from then on to faking the sort of reality that person’s view requires to be faked…The man who lies to the world, is the world’s slave from then on. There are no white lies, there is only the blackest of destruction, and a white lie is the blackest of all.”

“I…” Gilderoy began.

“You have no I,” Harry said abruptly, and rose to leave. “You barely exist.”
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What the fuck

George Oscar Bluth II said:
I am simultaneously annoyed and amused.
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Pretty much how I feel.
 
K

Kumquat

Member
I am a Libertarian and I died laughing. Thankfully I'm working from home today and nobody had to witness me laughing like a hyena.
 
H

HStallion

Now what's the next step in your master plan?
This is such bull shit. This is far too clever and on point to have ever been written by Ayn Rand.
 
A

Altazor

Member
“I want to commit the murder I was imprisoned for,” Black growled.

“Well, everyone must do what he thinks is best,” Harry said without looking up from his Wizarding Economics Essay. “I think Peter is under Hermione’s bed. Luck and so on.”

“Thanks.”

“It may interest you to know that I object to prisons, morally,” Harry said, “so let that comfort you while you’re on the run again.”
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the only thing missing here is a fedora tip, lmao
 
V

Veelk

Banned
Here's the rest of them

http://the-toast.net/2014/06/18/ayn-rands-harry-potter-prisoners-collectivism/

http://the-toast.net/2014/07/29/ayn-rands-harry-potter/

http://the-toast.net/2014/09/10/ayn-rands-harry-potter-order-psycho-epistemology/

http://the-toast.net/2015/02/12/ayn-rands-harry-potter-half-blood-prince/

http://the-toast.net/2015/04/09/ayn-rands-harry-potter-and-the-deathly-hallows/

”Cho Chang," Harry called from across the hallway, and quickly closed the distance between them, like some sort of sexually compelling locomotive. ”The Yule Ball is tomorrow. I wish to acquire you for it. Say yes, now, with your mouth, before I cruelly crush it against my own, like some sort of sexual flower."

”Oh. Harry," Cho said, ”I'm sorry but someone's already asked me. And well, I've, I've said I'll go with him."

”I refuse to allow you to live in the world of the mediocre," Harry said, eyes flashing flint and fire. ”You are the only acceptable mate for me. I will hold you in my arms in front of our peers at the Yule Ball. Reconcile yourself to your fate, and wear something red or purple."

”Harry, I'm sorry, but –"

”You'll wear your hair down," he said carelessly. ”It suits you best that way. I have nothing left to say to you at present. I don't think I'll kiss you just yet. Go make whatever feminine preparations you have to make before tomorrow night."

”I–"

”Your watch is off by fourteen seconds," he said before turning to leave. ”Unless you plan on making imprecision a habit, I suggest you correct it before I see you again."
 
R

Robdraggoo

Member
Isn't Harry the opposite of a self made man. He inherited his Wealth and his fame comes from an event he had no direct control over. But I guess that's the joke
 
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