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[Sword Familiar]

I'd send visiting heroes out on shitty fetch quests, rewarding them with shitty trinkets they could easily get elsewhere.

 

[Haunted]

Pot and crate maker.

With those pesky adventurers looting and destroying shit in every house, I'd never run out of work.

I'd need to get a pair of glasses to deal with the blurriness because hd towns are impossible.

They're not impossible, they're just hard.

:cry :cry SquareEnix

 

[Emitan]

Pot and crate maker.

With those pesky adventurers looting and destroying shit everywhere, I'd never run out of work.

I swear these herbs are medicinal! I was just low on HP, I swear!

 

[John]

i'd be a minigame. press x on me, do stupid shit that you don't care about for 30 seconds.

 

[Evlar]

Oh, and I would definitely have a daytime schedule and a radically different nighttime schedule. For instance, I would spend all day everyday tramping on the little 10'x10' plowed field on one end of town, and all night every night sleeping in my bed in my well house.

 

[Sword Familiar]

I swear these herbs are medicinal! I was just low on HP, I swear!

:lol Clever.

 

[turnbuckle]

Lock my doors
Open yours

 

[Vinci]

I'd be one of those characters who claims to know something important, demands payment, and then upon receiving it gives the hero worthless information - KNOWING they cannot touch me no matter how much I infuriate them.

 

[Ryn]

LOCK MY DAMN DOOR

Words right out of mouth.

 

[Palette Swap]

I'd stand in front of the door to a house containing a chest and spew non sequitur shit to any so called hero who would feel entitled to the contents of that chest.

At some point, I'd move to let a hero pass because someone would have done something completely unrelated to the chest.

Spoiler

The chest is empty.

 

[Haunted]

I'd be one of those characters who claims to know something important, demands payment, and then upon receiving it gives the hero worthless information - KNOWING they cannot touch me no matter how much I infuriate them.

And then you realise you're a Demon's Souls NPC. oh SHI-

 

[Vinci]

And then you realise you're a Demon's Souls NPC. oh SHI-

Is Demon's Souls classified as a JRPG? Hmm. Okay, in that case, fuck that idea. :lol

 

[ultron87]

I'd also put a chest in my house that is identical to every other chest which contains a somewhat useful item. Little do the heroes know that by opening it they have made it nigh impossible to obtain the best weapon in the game.

Should've gotten the strategy guide, bitches.

 

[Sword Familiar]

I'd be one of those characters who claims to know something important, demands payment, and then upon receiving it gives the hero worthless information - KNOWING they cannot touch me no matter how much I infuriate them.

We could work together. I'd send them out on the shitty fetch quest, and upon their return I'll give them the item they need to get your information. They give the item to you, get their shitty information, you hand the item over to me, and I'll give you half of what they fetch me.

 

[disappeared]

A carpenter. Shit, I'd never be out of work with towns and villages being burned to the ground on a steady basis. Then I'd spend my reward on ale and whores.

 

[ElectricBanquet]

I'd leave and go train for years to be a professional soldier only to eventually get my ass handed to me by a spiky-haired 14-year-old and his friends.

 

[HisshouBuraiKen]

This reminds me of my brother's theory that our childhood barber is actually an NPC. His role in the story is over, we (the heroes) having progressed past the point where we need his services, so he just repeats the same line of dialogue whenever you talk to him.

"Remember how you used to read the Weekly World News all the time?"

("Yes, I do. It was 17 years ago, when I was 12.)

I'd be a pile of bones deep in the hidden dungeon under the well that had the best shield, right in front of the door where the optional superboss is sealed.

 

[Starwolf_UK]

Hide in a tunnel and accidentally stab my daughter.

Spoiler

Then blow yourself up?

I'd do the one up from giving the hero useless information. I'd give them flat-out wrong information. :lol

I'd be a pile of bones deep in the hidden dungeon under the well that had the best shield, right in front of the door where the optional superboss is sealed.

Does your corpse mysteriously talk warning the hero that a powerful enemy is near?

 

[Des0lar]

Touch all the ladies till someone kills me

 

[Like the hat?]

I'd offer the ol' puff puff

 

[John Rabbit]

dream about soup.

 

[Android18a]

I'd make and sell pots, to replace the ones smashed by the heroes at every opportunity. Quids in.

 

[StopMakingSense]

Protesting whatever zoning board makes it impossible to build enough damn houses for the towns population.

 

[Haunted]

Is Demon's Souls classified as a JRPG? Hmm. Okay, in that case, fuck that idea. :lol

Well, ARPG. Don't ruin my joke!

 

[Palette Swap]

I'd leave and go train for years to be a professional soldier only to eventually get my ass handed to me by a spiky-haired 14-year-old and his friends.

Yes, I'd also tell my children to not take those Random Encounter College courses, as attractive as they might be.
Going from NPC to random enemy is not moving up!

Asshole NPC is the way to go:
"If you backtrack on foot to the first town of your quest, a surprise awaits you!"
"Don't buy herbs, these are useless"
"Forget about the priest, he's a fraud. You don't need to save in this game. There is a hidden autosave feature"
"Dying won't cost you anything"


Unskippable Tutorial Guy is my best friend.

 

[GhaleonQ]

I'd be a knowing reference to myself in a different universe and game, thereby reproducing myself infinitely.

 

[flyover]

Probably just play blitzball 'n' shit, ya?

 

[Guevara]

find all the bottles in the world, sell them for $500 each.

 

[theinfinityissue]

I'd be the npc with the unique sprite on the outskirts of the village on the other side of a small creek or river. If you try to cross the bridge and go around, you leave town. You search all over the place for a secret passage, but you never find one. What do I do? Do I have unique dialog? Am I an ultra-rare recruitable character? Do I give the ultimate weapon, or teach the ultimate magic?

You'll never know.

 

[ultron87]

Probably just play blitzball 'n' shit, ya?

Ooh, being the best player of your particular world's minigame would be a pretty good gig.

As an aside, did they ever explain in FFX why everyone could breath underwater in Blitzball?

 

[Zhengi]

I'd run a casino that instead of paying out money, I give out tokens that can be redeemed for prizes. I would also fix the fight where the metal slimes fight and the odds are 1:100 and the gamblers would never win.

 

[Fimbulvetr]

Punch lvl1 stuff, level up, and buy equipment with the money that forms from monster corpses.

See how it branches out from there.

I'd be a knowing reference to myself in a different universe and game, thereby reproducing myself infinitely.

I'd stop your plans.

 

[Celine]

I would play SNES all the day.

 

[Lion Heart]

I'd either make potions all day and sell them for mad loot,

or I would rent out Chocobos.

or hunt for Wild Bore meat.

 

[BrLvgThrChmstry]

Build a time machine, tell the villainous mage dude to chill out, give the ginger kid some lessons in sign language since he is possibly a mute, hook up with the nerdy sidekick/childhood friend, ditch the princess, cut a deal with the doomsday creature -- but before I do all that, I gotta check out the millenium fair.

 

[Dave Long]

I'd have a building out back where I could make pots and boxes, because apparently I'd need to replace my pots and boxes anytime someone comes through the door unsolicited and breaks my pots and boxes to see if there's any new shit inside them.

Once in awhile I'd stick a healing herb in there because they expect that and I wouldn't want to upset them.

Oh, and I'd sleep alot and make noises like Mrmmf-mrrmmf if people nudge me.

 

[Vinci]

We could work together. I'd send them out on the shitty fetch quest, and upon their return I'll give them the item they need to get your information. They give the item to you, get their shitty information, you hand the item over to me, and I'll give you half of what they fetch me.

Hell yeah, we got this.

EDIT: Actually, there should be an entire town in a JRPG that does everything in its power just to screw with the heroes. I would so love that.

 

[Dennis]

Lament the fact that I had to live in SD

 

[flyover]

Ooh, being the best player of your particular world's minigame would be a pretty good gig.

As an aside, did they ever explain in FFX why everyone could breath underwater in Blitzball?

As perplexing as that question is, it's secondary to how the hell does a Blitzball field fill up (and stay intact) in the first place?

Anyway, yes, I would just be a minigame beast if I lived in a JRPG town.

 

[Mr_Elysia]

Curate a vast library.

 

[Fimbulvetr]

Lament the fact that I had to live in SD

Touche. :lol

Hell yeah, we got this.

EDIT: Actually, there should be an entire town in a JRPG that does everything in its power just to screw with the heroes. I would so love that.

Even better would be finding out and fighting the whole town.

 

[WhiskeyKnight]

I'd tell passerby of my deep personal admiration for the Emperor and how he is definitely NOT some kind of demon in disguise.

 

[dream]

This is one step away from "hey if you were Sonic and you were gay, would you fuck Knuckles or Tails?"

 

[anonymousAversa]

oops edit

 

[subversus]

I'd fuck everybody.

 

[Femmeworth]

Install a lock or two.

 

[ephemeral garbage]

I would slowly and carefully block random-walking villagers into alleys where I could rob them.

 

[HYDE]

I'd shut the fuck up, and let the player get on with their game.

 

[Fimbulvetr]

This is one step away from "hey if you were Sonic and you were gay, would you fuck Knuckles or Tails?"

That was.... oddly specific.

 

[Dresden]

Run a free inn. Lop off their legs at night if they're too tall for the bed, or stretch them if they're too short.