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[Beefy]

Rest in peace Pample, life was just beginning and it's a shame you didn't see it

Reach out if you're in trouble, everyone. Choosing otherwise leaves you stranded and alone like this.

Yeah if any one just needs a chat mail me. Having gone through it myself I may be able to help, even if it is a little. No one should suffer alone.

 

[Dany]

Oh god. How awful may he rest in peace.

 

[Palmer27]

i've just received some unfortunate news if from the email that was sent to me is true... Pample's sister just told me he passed away...

So sorry and shocked to hear the news.

Although most people here seem older or more experienced than me, I do want to write something about finding the cracks in depression.

I was considering posting that I'd hooked up for the first time and made a decent friend in the process last Sunday. It dawned on me reading that I'd somehow found myself in a position that I considered 'good enough' after being a closeted and suicidal at 17.

Life's not a case of being broken until you can fix yourself. Case and point from my lurking in this thread I would have perceived Pample as someone adjusted to his sexuality whilst being awesome enough to share his sense of humour with gaf. There's no reason not to value your own life other than the lies mental illness can tell you.

 

[Sweeney Tom]

Horrible news. I'm so sorry

 

[Aarglefarg]

Hugs for everyone.

 

[Vorg]

Terrible news

Spoiler

still hoping it isn't true.

 

[HeelPower]

Long time lurker here.

I cannot believe what I just read here.

My hurt goes out to PampleMousse.

I cannot express my shock and disorientation ,but I think its time LGBT mental health needs to be addressed more closely.

This community suffers.A lot.

 

[metalslimer]

As someone who mainly lurks in this thread, this saddens me a lot. I've been in some pretty dark places before where it felt like you had so few options, but something always stopped me. I'll just echo everyone else and say reach out any time you feel like no one cares because I guarantee someone does.

 

[kitchenmotors]

Jesus, that's horrible.

I had contact with Pample off and on through text for over a year, and I really hoped for the best for him in trying to find his place in this life. It was a struggle, trying to give advice when he felt so hopeless.

I hope at least he's at peace now.

 

[Henchmen21]

Condolences to any friends of Pamp's. It's just sad he couldn't get the help he needed.

 

[RatskyWatsky]

Holy shit, how awful. I'm sorry you felt like that was your only option Pamplemousse. Be at peace.

 

[Salarians]

I don't know what to say. Just terrible.

 

[Dead Prince]

I wish I was around more these last few weeks. :/

 

[KmA]

Honestly this is so devastating . I was severely suicidal for most of 2015 and thankfully most of those thoughts are gone but... Idk it's just very hard. We go through a lot

 

[Mumei]

I only read this thread semi-regularly, so I don't feel like I knew him as well as some of you did, but I'm very sorry to hear the news.

 

[Thequietone]

I'm mostly a lurker, but I really wish I did something.

 

[Dead Prince]

his sister just emailed me again. so i'll just paste what she wrote.

Thank you more than words can express for providing this information. I am sick to stomach reading some of his posts in the LGBTQIA forum and mental health forum. And if you're okay with this (I know it takes months to get permission to post on this site) will you please share with anyone in any of the forums that knew him, a final message from me (if it's appropriate):

I am a clinical social worker (AKA therapist, different kind of training but I work similarly to psychologists, MFT's etc), not the kind that works with abused children, though I had considered doing that. I have worked in psychiatric inapatient hospitals, outpatient doing traditional therapy all focused on kids and young adults. Reading what my brother posted is horrifying, as a professional to read. I also read some misinformation about antidepressants, psych diagnoses, etc. (some my brother promoted, etc.) My brother was severely, severely, depressed. And from what I can tell he was masterful at hiding it, which is not uncommon. My heart breaks reading about how much pain he was in and how much pain some of the rest of you are in. If I could've told my brother one thing it's that depression literally changes your brain chemistry. There are chemicals in your brain that impact the number of negative, hopeless thoughts you have, etc. There is therapy and medicaion that can change this. Nothing he was going through was "unfixable" he just felt so sad and hopeless. All of you on this community gave him some hope and got him through when no one in my family could. If you are feeling sad, depressed, anxious... go get help. If you hate phone calls there is a NATIONAL suicide text line 741.741. I know what it is like to feel like there is no way out, and it is hard, but there is a way to get better. I've seen it. I've seen people in the pit of despair drag themselves out corageously. You just have to ask. Sometimes, you have to ask more than once. I love my profession, but sometimes there are people who don't know what they are doing. Don't quit. Don't give. People love you and care about you. I am not much older than some of you and I know that google can be very very helpful, but also very dangerous. A lot of information on treatment and medication is simplified, please talk to a professional. I would give anything in the world to have picked my brother up and dragged him to a hospital, because based on what he was saying... he would've been admitted.

I hope none of you blame yourselves. You gave him a shining piece of light in a world that he gave up on. We all did the best we could, and this time it wasn't enough. Please remember him as the funny, sarcastic, smart as hell little brother I did. And please, get yourselves help.

 

[DOWN]

his sister just emailed me again. so i'll just paste what she wrote.

Thanks for sharing this. Really sad. I wish his family the best.

 

[Mumei]

his sister just emailed me again. so i'll just paste what she wrote.

Thanks.

What she said about depression affecting your brain chemistry really hits home. I'm sure I'm not the only person here who has been through clinical depression, or dealt with suicidal ideation or even attempted suicide, and been amazed how differently you can feel through medication or through therapy.

 

[HeelPower]

From what I remember,he had severe dissatisfaction with his body and image.

It has to be said that a huge part of the community places huge emphasis on physical aspects.Hate,racism and general despair is truly ever present on these gay apps and am sure the majority of users have experienced it first hand.

If I recall correctly,it would seem pample was heavily engaged and seeing people through that portal in his last days.

I am sure that he had truly destructive interactions that fueled his self hate and sense of despair.Interactions with people who lack decency and who dont understand that they say isnt just "a preference" but truly hateful shit.

I know because I experienced it and could identify with what he said ,but my case was obviously no where near as severe as his case.

Something has to be done about that.I have no clue what it is ,but inter-gay acceptance is as big of a problem(if not bigger than) as gay-non gay acceptance.

 

[Astral Dog]

WhAT!? Why hell he was just here as always. Fuck we failed him.
i was thinking how he must be doing earlier today

 

[CornBurrito]

Thanks.

What she said about depression affecting your brain chemistry really hits home. I'm sure I'm not the only person here who has been through clinical depression, or dealt with suicidal ideation or even attempted suicide, and been amazed how differently you can feel through medication or through therapy.

A big problem (for me anyway) is that those dark thoughts often feel more "real" or genuine. And your depressed mind convinces you that your normal thinking is simply delusional. When really it's the opposite.

WhAT!? Why hell he was just here as always. Fuck we failed him.
i was thinking how he must be doing earlier today

I am honestly at a loss at what we could've done different. I guess maybe try to friend him on Facebook and then contact his family that way? He needed professional intervention and unfortunately he felt himself beyond help.

 

[RatskyWatsky]

his sister just emailed me again. so i'll just paste what she wrote.

God, that is so sad.

 

[Sibylus]

his sister just emailed me again. so i'll just paste what she wrote.

Please, please, PLEASE pay attention to these words. Reaching out is a matter of life and death. It isn't shameful if your brain chemistry needs help to achieve balance (mine certainly does, and escitalopram has done wonders for me).

 

[Astral Dog]

A big problem (for me anyway) is that those dark thoughts often feel more "real" or genuine. And your depressed mind convinces you that your normal thinking is simply delusional. When really it's the opposite.



I am honestly at a loss at what we could've done different. I guess maybe try to friend him on Facebook and then contact his family that way? He needed professional intervention and unfortunately he felt himself beyond help.

there was not much to do unfortunately,but shocking he went that far he didn't deserved to go like that,at least he is at peace now.
im worried neojubei could do something similar one day .

 

[Dead Prince]

He deactivated his Facebook page. Idk when but it's gone now. I didn't have him added. But I know it was there when I searched while back. The last time I texted him was before Thanksgiving. That was around the time I decided to get off GAF or at least one post less. I was lurking during that time. I saw his post about anonymously doing things with random guys. I should have texted him more. Checked in on him. But all I did was kept to myself. He was a nice guy. He may have been annoying sometimes. We would spam the thread and it would annoy people as well lol. We chatted through pm. I focused on seeing why he post the way he does. See what he was feeling. It was on and off. He gave me his number in October which was around the time I got flooded. We chatted a bit through text. Outside of the same nonsense we spammed before he would tell me how he felt. Like no one liked him on here and he would say he should stop posting. I knows he got under people's skins sometimes but he meant well. Didn't mean to upset anyone. I told him to keep posting an just be himself. Don't let anyone stop you from being you. I don't know how it feels or how he felt to be depressed at that level. I don't know if he really listened but I never gave up on him.

 

[Zero²]

his sister just emailed me again. so i'll just paste what she wrote.

I'm really sad.
I remember defending his way of being over dramatic, thinking that's better that he was talking with us than keeping it all to himself... Never let people shame you for talking your feelings, be as intense as you need, but never give up.
I know that by this being the internet, we cant judge people correctly, and it gets tiresome to have someone complaining about the same things all the time, but maybe we were all that was holding him... Maybe he could only open up by posting here. I wish I could have done more, rest in peace Pample.

 

[Astral Dog]

From what I remember,he had severe dissatisfaction with his body and image.

It has to be said that a huge part of the community places huge emphasis on physical aspects.Hate,racism and general despair is truly ever present on these gay apps and am sure the majority of users have experienced it first hand.

If I recall correctly,it would seem pample was heavily engaged and seeing people through that portal in his last days.

I am sure that he had truly destructive interactions that fueled his self hate and sense of despair.Interactions with people who lack decency and who dont understand that they say isnt just "a preference" but truly hateful shit.

I know because I experienced it and could identify with what he said ,but my case was obviously no where near as severe as his case.

Something has to be done about that.I have no clue what it is ,but inter-gay acceptance is as big of a problem(if not bigger than) as gay-non gay acceptance.

It gave me the impression he was suffering alot, but something like your voice must be accepted as part of yourself,and i thought he had a high chance to find someone to be happy with someday,despite how difficult it can be to date at times.

But,he pushed people away,and i assume he had to go through lots of bullying to have that image of yourself so deep.

Lots of people in the Gay community accepted and liked him just how he was,a shame he could not see it.

 

[Deleted member 465307]

his sister just emailed me again. so i'll just paste what she wrote.

Thank you for sharing this.

I originally wrote a very long response detailing my interactions with Pamplemousse, but ultimately, that seems unneeded. I'll just say that I cared for him, I thought he was important, and I wanted the best for him.

If you're an anonymous person reading this, I want you to know that there are always people who are concerned for you and who have hope for you. If you don't think you have one, my inbox is open to whatever you need to say.

If Pamplemousse's sister is reading this, I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm sending you and your family so much love.

RIP Pamplemousse.

 

[Mumei]

A big problem (for me anyway) is that those dark thoughts often feel more "real" or genuine. And your depressed mind convinces you that your normal thinking is simply delusional. When really it's the opposite.

Yes. It's especially true for issues with your appearance, which is something I deal with. I know in the abstract that I don't look bad; but I can't internalize that knowledge into feeling happy with myself. And even getting that to that point took until my mid-twenties.

I sometimes read this thread and see people who are posting self-loathing or self-deprecating (or so they seem) comments, and when I see them I think to myself, "I feel the same way sometimes." But I'm at a point in my life where I haven't had genuine suicidal ideation in at least a decade, so I guess I just don't consider that the other person might be thinking that way.

And I don't really know what to say to people who are feeling that way, especially those who are much younger than I am, when the feelings are much more intense. It gets better eventually? It's true; it gets better for almost everyone. It's even gotten better for me, though not as good as I'd like it to be. But I wish I could say more than platitudes.

 

[Beefy]

Such a shame about Pample. I have suffered from mental health issues for 10yrs now, so have been through bad and the good times. In my opinion mental health should be taught at school to help the many that suffer or on go to suffer it understand it more.

Far more needs to be done to help those that suffer from mental health issues. Now I don't know what it is like in the US, but here in the UK it is so badly funded. Even when you are claiming benefits because of your mental health all the medicals are far more physical based which doesn't make sense.

I hope in my life time people with mental health issues are treated the same as physical issues. But I doubt it.

RIP Pample

 

[mantidor]

I'm shocked and saddened, this is just terrible.

 

[B-Dex]

RIP Pample.

 

[Blood Diamonds]

rest in peace man

 

[HeelPower]

It gave me the impression he was suffering alot, but something like your voice must be accepted as part of yourself,and i thought he had a high chance to find someone to be happy with someday,despite how difficult it can be to date at times.

But,he pushed people away,and i assume he had to go through lots of bullying to have that image of yourself so deep.

Lots of people in the Gay community accepted and liked him just how he was,a shame he could not see it.

Perhaps he ran into some really rough real life experiences that made him feel devalued.Probably through Grindr.

And ,unfortunately,posts here simply don't have the same oomph.I saw how everyone told him to seek help.

Heartbreaking.

 

[Sawneeks]

Been lurking here off and on for some time but I just wanted to say my heart goes out to Pample's friends and family. I'm sure many of us have been, or know someone who has been, in a situation like that and there is always somebody out there who is willing to help or to talk or to care for you. Depression or any sort of mental health issue is not easy but it never has to be something that you carry alone, there is always someone who will help you.

Rest in peace, Pample.

 

[Jeels]

From what I remember,he had severe dissatisfaction with his body and image.

It has to be said that a huge part of the community places huge emphasis on physical aspects.Hate,racism and general despair is truly ever present on these gay apps and am sure the majority of users have experienced it first hand.

If I recall correctly,it would seem pample was heavily engaged and seeing people through that portal in his last days.

I am sure that he had truly destructive interactions that fueled his self hate and sense of despair.Interactions with people who lack decency and who dont understand that they say isnt just "a preference" but truly hateful shit.

I know because I experienced it and could identify with what he said ,but my case was obviously no where near as severe as his case.

Something has to be done about that.I have no clue what it is ,but inter-gay acceptance is as big of a problem(if not bigger than) as gay-non gay acceptance.

No offense but this thread isn't much better then those hook up apps. A lot of vapid shit going on in here. I know I myself will come in here for attention from time to time

Thanks to pamples sister for such thoughtful words and so sorry for your loss. I am sure your bro loved you.

 

[CornBurrito]

No offense but this thread isn't much better then those hook up apps. A lot of vapid shit going on in here. I know I myself will come in here for attention from time to time

Thanks to pamples sister for such thoughtful words and so sorry for your loss. I am sure your bro loved you.

Huh? This thread practically calls everyone cute/handsome/some positive word whenever anyone posts a picture.

I'm not quite sure if people are ever being honest with their compliments, but I don't think you can accuse the thread as a whole for being vapid.

 

[Jeels]

Huh? This thread practically calls everyone cute/handsome/some positive word whenever anyone posts a picture.

I'm not quite sure if people are ever being honest with their compliments, but I don't think you can accuse the thread as a whole for being vapid.

Vapid probably isn't the right word for it but this thread isn't excused for things like oversexualization in gay culture, heavy emphasis on looks, material wealth, masc/fem, racial issues, idolizing being in a relationship above all else, etc. It's what contributes to body image and loneliness issues that are all too common.

 

[Blood Diamonds]

Vapid probably isn't the right word for it but this thread isn't excused for things like oversexualization in gay culture, heavy emphasis on looks, material wealth, masc/fem, racial issues, idolizing being in a relationship above all else, etc. It's what contributes to body image and loneliness issues that are all too common.

Are you going to post some examples or are you just going to keep trying to shit on everyone in this thread for no reason, especially now?

 

[CornBurrito]

Vapid probably isn't the right word for it but this thread isn't excused for things like oversexualization in gay culture, heavy emphasis on looks, material wealth, masc/fem, racial issues, idolizing being in a relationship above all else, etc. It's what contributes to body image and loneliness issues that are all too common.

The bolded is pretty off the mark as far as I'm concerned. And quite frankly, its opposite (sleep with as many people as you can with no strings attached, serious relationships are for suckers) isn't in any way superior.

edit: masc/fem? Its an issue in gay culture, but again I think you're off the mark with trying to apply it to this thread. Can't say I've seen many talk about material wealth much here either, but focus on material wealth is like a society at large problem.

 

[Vazduh]

Vapid probably isn't the right word for it but this thread isn't excused for things like oversexualization in gay culture, heavy emphasis on looks, material wealth, masc/fem, racial issues, idolizing being in a relationship above all else, etc. It's what contributes to body image and loneliness issues that are all too common.

What do you think would improve this thread? Please, be 100 % honest. I'm honestly curious.

This thread is sometimes guilty of things you've mentioned, I'll give you that (god knows I've been a thirsty ho way too often over other guy's selfies), but since it's a platform for online discussion, everyone's free to write whatever they like, as long as there's no hate speech and attacking each other. Everyone's different. Some will yearn for a relationship, some will prioritize being single and having hookups only. And that's fine since we're all different. As long as we support each other, I don't see this thread as being a bad place for anyone.

 

[Bladenic]

RIP Pample. Such a sad story. I was such a huge dick to him at times in this thread. Especially recently... I'm an awful human, but I hope he's at peace now. I don't believe in an afterlife, but if there is one, I hope Pample is happy. I hope he looks like he wishes he did on earth, he has a deep gruff voice, and he has a soulmate to cuddle and sleep with every day.



Also never seen this Jeels poster before, who's decided to shit up the thread now of all times

 

[Monocle]

That's tragic if true. In retrospect it seems kind of obvious, I mean he was stuck in a pretty intense thought-loop. At the time I just found it annoying because it was so dense and impenetrable, but if a person was actually living that, they'd probably look for any way out, too.

Yeah. The frustrating thing was that he'd post his usual self-loathing spiel and then totally ignore everyone who told him to get professional help. I engaged him like three or four times and got the same non-response. What can you do for someone who won't take the most basic steps to help themselves? Like...try to get their relations to force them to talk with the right people? Good luck if you're just a stranger on the internet. I don't even know.

Such a shame about Pample. I have suffered from mental health issues for 10yrs now, so have been through bad and the good times. In my opinion mental health should be taught at school to help the many that suffer or on go to suffer it understand it more.

Far more needs to be done to help those that suffer from mental health issues. Now I don't know what it is like in the US, but here in the UK it is so badly funded. Even when you are claiming benefits because of your mental health all the medicals are far more physical based which doesn't make sense.

I hope in my life time people with mental health issues are treated the same as physical issues. But I doubt it.

RIP Pample

Yes, no doubt. School should equip kids with basic life skills like how to understand and deal with mental health issues, how to handle money, how to think critically and use deductive and inductive reasoning, etc. Parents sure as hell aren't picking up the slack.

 

[Vazduh]

RIP Pample. Such a sad story. I was such a huge dick to him at times in this thread. Especially recently... I'm an awful human, but I hope he's at peace now. I don't believe in an afterlife, but if there is one, I hope Pample is happy. I hope he looks like he wishes he did on earth, he has a deep gruff voice, and he has a soulmate to cuddle and sleep with every day.

You're not an awful human, stop it. Sadly, there was just no way to predict what would happen, since none of us knew the depth of his suffering. Most of us thought that saying "enough" would make him rethink what he wrote, but that obviously didn't happen

 

[kitchenmotors]

It's heart breaking to see that when he started using apps like Grindr, he got more depressed because of the people he was meeting. I know be told me a couple of times that some guys would say the rudest shit to him, kinda blew my mind but then again it's Grindr.

He didn't live too far from me here in Northern Illinois, I tried to get him to come out here for a spring meet up I usually do at the Chicago comic convention. He was hesitant, felt like he wasn't worth meeting or hanging out with, but I still tried.

I think that's the only thing I can take away from this. I tried to connect or give him some sort of hope for the normalcy he so desired. Wish I could have done more.

 

[JCX]

Really sad to hear about Pample. His sister's message is very touching. As someone who also has battled clinical depression, I know how warped your world view can get. Like his sister said, please get help if you start feeling depressed. Wouldn't wish clinical depression on anyone. RIP Pample.

 

[Ty4on]

his sister just emailed me again. so i'll just paste what she wrote.

That's horrible
RIP

I gradually stopped posting a little after Pample joined so I didn't talk much to him, but he always struck me as a fun guy with a good sense of humor. Wish I had said that to him.
My condolences to his family

 

[Dead Prince]

his obituary was just posted online ;(

if anyone wants to see if it and it's okay i can pm it.

 

[Beefy]

his obituary was just posted online ;(

if anyone wants to see if it and it's okay i can pm it.

I didn't really know him. But I would if that is ok.