i think this thread is done!
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Should I let my new girlfriend move in with me?
- Thread starter Tunavi
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i think this thread is done!
Vermillion
Banned
Nah, A isn't bad at all. But B is just as, if not more, likely. My point is that a temporary deal won't work out - it'd even become permanent or destroy the relationship. So for the people saying "it's temporary, just go for it," it's either going to be permanent or it's going to be relationship-ending.
I don't see the point in 'growing a relationship'. I can understand it, but I just go for whatever feels right at the time. (If it doesn't feel right for her, she'll say no to moving in)
If it doesn't work out, then well it doesn't work out.
I 'moved in' with a girl, the day after we got together, drunk.
Although we already lived in the same flat, had messed around a little in preceeding weeks, and we knew in a couple months she'd be heading home.
If it doesn't work out, then well it doesn't work out.
I 'moved in' with a girl, the day after we got together, drunk.
Although we already lived in the same flat, had messed around a little in preceeding weeks, and we knew in a couple months she'd be heading home.
Vermillion
Banned
Again, my roommate/friend example. A lot of people can't stand living with friends, but if it's a best friend, they're less likely to toss away that friendship if a living agreement goes badly - they've been friends with that person long enough to know that they can stay friends even though they can't stand living together. A living agreement, then, can indeed be temporary. If it's a friend you've just met, on the other hand, and the living agreement is half or more of your relationship with that person, you're way more likely to stop being friends with that person.
Devolution
Member
Where did I say it would turn out peachy? Oh right I didn't. You can't gain experience without trying something out. That's my fucking point here. But I'm sure I should just shut up actually having lived with someone and not doing the proper chart making, risk assessment and looking at the stats of failure for relationships of people my own age. Because if anything the stats of failure should always keep me from trying or experiencing new relationships or steps up in my relationships. I should never factor in how my actual relationship is going or what I can stand to learn from taking it to the next level. Nope I'll just let some numbers on a piece of paper tell me what to do next.
vicissitudes
Banned
I don't think it's a good idea, but give GAF updates.
Vermillion
Banned
It's not numbers on a paper. It's speaking from what we know, and in the case of many others, what they've experienced. So they - we - try to help others not to make mistakes. Just because it's a learning experience doesn't make it a good idea in and of itself.
And for the record, you just admitted that your living situation didn't work out.
Why are you so angry?
Nah the OP probably already made up his mind before he made the thread, he just did it for the reactions.
Seraphinianus
Banned
try it. sounds risky, but sometimes you gotta throw yourself into risky things. It'll be a learning experience either way. Be mindful of how much she asks your for stuff or if she's always late on rent.
Ground rules:
1. Summer only.
2. She pays her equal share of the rent/food etc.
3. Cleans up after herself.
As long as she isn't a slob, you should be fine.
Tf am I reading?
1. Summer only.
2. She pays her equal share of the rent/food etc.
3. Cleans up after herself.
As long as she isn't a slob, you should be fine.
Tf am I reading?
Vermillion
Banned
Ah, there's another possibility, where it does end up temporary - she's late on rent, realizes she's a burden on OP, and moves out, hoping the internship leads to a good job wherein she can move back in and they solve that problem.
The problem with this post, though, is that those things are more likely to annoy OP if they account for half of his relationship. If it's for a small amount, they're more likely to take a step back and figure things out with some time apart, knowing that they still want to be together.
Zoe
Member
She's taking over the roommate's room. In that case, it should be made official with her subletting the roommate's lease.
Because people are WRONG
Vermillion
Banned
It should still be a pretty civil argument. No one's quite wrong anyways. One side is saying "it's a learning experience, so go for it," the other is saying "it's pretty risky, maybe you should wait a bit."
Steve Youngblood
Member
I know the decision has been made, but here's my two cents. If it feels right, go for it. If it feels wrong, don't bend on your convictions to try and be a saint.
If you do go for it, just try and have some fallback plan. If this is an unmitigated disaster and you end up hating her and splitting up, by agreeing to this in the first place, are you pretty much locked into allowing her to stay for the duration of the summer? Because that's the worst case scenario.
If you do go for it, just try and have some fallback plan. If this is an unmitigated disaster and you end up hating her and splitting up, by agreeing to this in the first place, are you pretty much locked into allowing her to stay for the duration of the summer? Because that's the worst case scenario.
Nothing "works out" in the long run. Not relationships, not life. Everything's on a clock.
He's not having a baby or joining the Marines as a heavy gunner. This is really not a monumental life decision whatsoever, therefore if he wants to do it, he should just do it (and he's doing it). If it crashes and burns for any number of potential reasons, that's okay.
Devolution
Member
The relationship didn't work, not the living situation. And I don't regret it due to the fact that I learned and experienced things that assist (or will assist me) in future relationships. Keep running from experiences though see how far that gets you. Who has a perfect relationship off the bat without any sort of experiences in failure?
Invisible_Insane
Member
It's not a monumental life decision, and I think most people recognize that, but I thought the point of his asking the question in the first place was to have us assess what the likelihood of "crashing and burning" was. It need not be life-devastating to be worth avoiding.
I mean, the decision isn't irreparable. If it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. In either case, seeing as how she's paying rent, I see no reason not to go for it. Unless you think it'll damage the relationship or something, which I'm having a hard time figuring out why it would. Its probably a good thing to test the strength of the relationship now then to realize you're not good for each other 4 years down the road.
Vermillion
Banned
I agree with Invisible, first off. Second, it's made that more important because he likes her. Why test something out that's likely to fail? Wouldn't you rather give the relationship time to grow so it can withstand heavy hits? It's why a marriage, for example, can easily afford for a year or so long-distance relationship, while younger relationships rarely do. I feel like testing things like this out is when you're just looking for experience, and not a full-on relationship. Again, though, there is a chance of success, and I hope that if he chooses to live with her, he does get that happiness. I still wouldn't advise it, though.
Well yes, but who enters into a relationship just hoping for experience and nothing else? Usually, people hope the relationship is long-term and they attempt to sustain it as best they can. If those efforts don't work out, then they get valuable experience. But if someone tells you "no" out of experience or what they've seen, then turning out wrong only hurts that more. It's a waste of life when you could have listened and saved time and a relationship. Add vicarious experience to your own natural experience.
My rent is $386 a month and I work part time to pay my own rent.
Yes. I'm going for it.
thetrin
Hail, peons, for I have come as ambassador from the great and bountiful Blueberry Butt Explosion
I hear you, man. I'm the total opposite. I've been burned any number of times I've done something because it "felt right". That's why I'm a far more logical person now, and don't tend to make decisions unless I agonize over every detail.
We are the sum of our experiences, as it were.
There's a stark difference between minimizing failure and avoiding failure. Running headlong into any situation that looks right on its face isn't a particularly productive way to go about things.
You can't learn to ride a bike without actually riding a bike, but you can also do any number of things to minimize the risk of falling over while learning: training wheels, having someone help you steady the bike as you ride, not wearing a comically oversized sombrero the first time you mount a bicycle.
Living life is a combination of weighing the alternatives, and ultimately taking the plunge.
Damn. Is it literally that cheap per month or is that cut in half or something?
I have 3 roommates and we each pay 386 a month.
My roommate wants to move out so my girlfriend would move in and she would pay the rent for his room.
thetrin
Hail, peons, for I have come as ambassador from the great and bountiful Blueberry Butt Explosion
If at the end of the relationship (whether it be due to death, divorce or otherwise) you feel like you wouldn't want to live without having gone through that, it definitely worked out.
Something similar to this actually happened to me very very recently. It's fucking awful. You feel trapped in your own home.
Rentahamster
Rodent Whores
Good luck, don't let the sex cloud your judgement, but at the same time, don't let that stop you from enjoying it.
Always remember: TWO MONTHS.
TWO MONTHS!
Seraphinianus
Banned
nah, if those things annoy OP, he should break it off/be vigilant...not take the time to work it out (which may turn into stall time for her.) He gets free and she hopefully learns not to take advantage...its win/win. He's young and free and shouldn't feel tied down and neither should she. On second thought, maybe cohab isn't the greatest idea...but that takes me back to step 1-- try it out and make mistakes.
Skiesofwonder
Walruses, camels, bears, rabbits, tigers and badgers.
The problem with this situation is that she might not actually pay rent. Obviously you know her better then me, but if she doesn't pay then that is going to cause some huge problems right there. What if she says she isn't leaving? I don't know where you live, but if it is CA then the laws make it a real bitch to get someone out of an apartment/room/etc.
I lived with my current girlfriend for 6 months and it pretty much worked out perfectly, and we even had a similar set-up to yours (minus another roommate). I grew enormous respect for her and we became even closer from the experience. But we had been dating for 9 months before we made the decision, and it wasn't something that was asked from either party, it just worked out that way. No one was really doing a favor for the other, and we both went in knowing we had to pull equal weight. We have moved out now, but the situation basically told me that I wouldn't mind living with her for the rest of my live. But we were already in a serious relationship before we moved in so we were willing and wanting to conquer the bumps in the road that is created by living with your SO.
If your just in a fling relationship though, I would highly recommend you DON'T do it. I have experience with that too, some of the worst months of my life....
do get her pregnant. it is the only way to keep the dream alive!
disappeared
Banned
Go for it.
Vermillion
Banned
It could end the relationship earlier than it might have ended.
Now, some would say that means they just weren't right for each other, but that isn't necessarily true. The fact that this living situation would be half of their experience with each other means potentially more devastating consequences should it fail. Whereas, taking more time for the relationship to grow would allow them to take a small living experience as an off thing, and they could continue and try to get better with that in the future.
zerokoolpsx
Member
Do it. Just be aware that 2 months isn't really that long. Make sure she understands it just for the summer. Goodluck OP.
"potentially more devastating consequences", "take a small living experience as an off thing".
I honestly have no clue what you're saying. Could you restate what you're and make it clear and direct instead of awfully vague.
Mushroom021
Member
Relationships are always great the first few months, you'll ruin that by living together. WAY to soon! Don't do it, she'll find a way to stick around/ a friend of her own to live with.
ProfessorMoran
Member
If it's the right time, you would know, if you don't know then it's not the right time.
Vermillion
Banned
Basically it's more than half of the time they've been together. If it goes badly, they're more likely to break up over it.
With more time spent together, it's pretty much nothing in terms of the relationship, so they're more likely to keep trying.
It's notably harder to live with someone, anyways.
They're likely to break up either way after finding out that they're incompatible with living with each other. At that point the relationship is done. They might be less likely to break up if they're more long-term, but this is not a positive thing.
Most of the advice in this thread is based off the premise that breaking up is a "failure", and that it is necessary to stop this from happening at all costs. The sooner you break up with someone that you are incompatible with, the better.
Vermillion
Banned
In addition, you don't necessarily want to put stress on a relationship that early. Yeah, relationships are different, of course, but still.
Like, why is your girlfriend of eight years less likely to break up with you if you do something stupid, rather than a girlfriend of two days?
ConradCervantes
Banned
Just do what we all know you're inevitably going to decide and DOOOOOOOOOO ITTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!
If she turns out to be cool, then hey, awesome! If not, lesson learned.
If she turns out to be cool, then hey, awesome! If not, lesson learned.
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