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[Jintor]

CLASSIFIED TOP SECRET
//ENGAGEMENT REPORT ADDENDUM - UFO-002//
XCOM SECURE CHANNEL - AUDIO TRANSCRIPT

Central: Take a south-westerly heading, Raven-2, and hit the throttle.
Babeslayer: Copy that, HQ.
DirOps: Where’s the bogey now, McNum?
Central: Receiving telemetry… XSAT-001 places it somewhere over Stuttgart, sir.

DirOps: Do you have visual, Raven-2?
Babeslayer: One moment… there. Just like the last one, HQ, but it’s a little bigger-

[explosion]

Central: Raven-2, report!

Babeslayer: Taking fire! Permission to engage-
DirOps: Granted!
Babeslayer: Missiles away!

[explosions]

Central: Status report, Raven-2.
Babeslayer: [static] –not losing you, you son of a bit[static]

[explosion]

Babeslayer: Hit the target! It’s smoking… it’s going down, HQ.
Central: Congratulations, Lt. Babeslayer, your first ET kill.
Babeslayer: Giant Frisbees ain’t no trouble, HQ. Permission to return to base?
Central: Permission granted. Sir, this one seems mostly intact as well-
DirOps: Right. I’m going to debrief the Contact Team. Let’s see what we can rip out of this thing’s guts.

---

ACEBOARD
Babeslayer - 1 "Medium"
PBAlfredo - 1 "Small"

 

[McNum]

Quick OOC comment for that update: Great work getting those screenshots of the dogfight. The one with the missile heading towards the UFO is not an easy one to get. Are you grabbing screenshots live or do you record a video and grab from that?

 

[Jintor]

CLASSIFIED TOP SECRET
//INCIDENT REPORT_0006//
OPERATION DARK DAZE
<<UFO-002 CRASH SITE &#8211; OUTSKIRTS OF STUTTGART, GERMANY>>
4 April 2015

CONTACT TEAM ALPHA
Lt. Mupod
Sgt. Thy
Sgt. UnknownSoldier
Sgt. Sober

---Audio Transcript Excerpt - CONTACT TEAM ALPHA ---

Bluey: Eyes on the crash site&#8230; Jesus Christ, Babeslayer, this thing must&#8217;ve been doing 300km/h when it came down.
Thy: Carved a god-damned trench in the forest&#8230; damn place is still burning.
Mupod: Good, means a little more light to work with. Weapons check-
Sober: Everything&#8217;s good, el-tee.
Bluey: Touchdown in 5 &#8211; 4 &#8211; 3 &#8211; 2&#8230;

Mupod: Go, go, go! Make for the treeline!
UnknownSoldier: Moving!

<<-timestamp advance +67 seconds->>

Thy: So, uh, Sober&#8230;
Sober: Yeah?
Thy: Why do they call you Smokey?
Sober: Hah! &#8220;Only you can prevent forest fires&#8221;, they tell me.
Thy: How?
Sober: By not getting high out in the woods, mainly.
Mupod: Cut the chatter! Stacks, you got anything?
UnknownSoldier: Nothing out here&#8230; Septic.

<<-timestamp advance +58 seconds->>

Sober: Can&#8217;t see a goddamn thing&#8230;
UnknownSoldier: I can hear something up ahead &#8211; group of three, by the charred tree!

Thy: Setting up back here&#8230;

Thy: Taking the shot!

[sniper rifle shot]

Sober: Impressive.
Thy: Straight corridor of fire; it&#8217;s nothing special.
Mupod: I&#8217;m closing in-

[unknown weapon discharge]

[shotgun blast]

Mupod: Shotguns ain&#8217;t worth shit from here!
UnknownSoldier: Sober, suppressing fire on the glowing one, now!
Sober: Roger!

[LMG fire; continuous]

Sober: Oh, shit-

[unknown weapon discharge]

Sober: Trading fire, trading fire!

 

[Rentahamster]

Thank goodness for Lightning Reflexes.

 

[Jintor]

Thy: Eyes on target…

[sniper rifle fire]

Sober: Holy shit, did that other one-
UnknownSoldier: Yeah, yeah, that tends to happen. Good shot, Garotte.
Thy: Thanks, Stacks.
Mupod: Well, that should give us some breathing spa- motherfucker.

 

[Jintor]

UnknownSoldier: Glower, moving up right side!
Thy: Moving into better position-
Mupod: Falling back, I’ll draw his fire!

[unknown weapon discharge]

Sober: Jesus Christ, brave motherfucker ain’t you?
UnknownSoldier: Alpha-1 is falling back…
Mupod: Then press forwar-

[unknown weapon discharge]

Thy: I swear, Mupod, you’re the luckiest sonovvabitch on the planet.
Mupod: Fire on my target!
Sober: You got it!

[LMG fire]

Sober: This thing ain’t exactly a distance weapon… think I got more of the tree than I did of it.
Thy: Let me take a shot.

[sniper rifle fire]

Thy: Right through his sku-

[unknown weapon discharge]

 

[Rentahamster]

lol that screenshot is awesome.

 

[Vlodril]

You write great dialogue. I know i said it before but it needs repeating. Very entertaining maybe you should write a scifi military book

 

[McNum]

lol that screenshot is awesome.

No kidding. Jintor is showing everyone how to do it right with screenshots.

 

[Jintor]

Thy: These guys can’t hit for shit.
Mupod: Don’t tempt the fates, Thy.
Thy: You’re going to talk shit to me about tempting fate-
Mupod: Sober, suppress! I’m going in!

[LMG fire; continuous]

[unknown weapon discharge]

[shotgun blast]

Mupod: X-ray down! There’s another one back here-
UnknownSoldier: He ain’t doing crap.
Mupod: Sucks to be him, then. Catch!

[explosion]

Sober: Huh.
UnknownSoldier: I know someone who ain’t gonna be in Dr. Billie’s good books.
Mupod: Too bad for her. I intend to live.

 

[KO Traveling Hobo]

It's interesting how much use you're getting out of Lightning Reflexes. The aliens rarely go into Overwatch for me.

 

[Unknown Soldier]

Huh. I would get Overwatch all the time on my playthrough, though I've been on hiatus awhile from it.

 

[TemplaerDude]

Dr. Billie can suck a big one. Explosions are awesome.

 

[Jintor]

<<-timestamp advance +214 seconds->>

Sober: God damn&#8230; never thought I&#8217;d see one with my own eyes&#8230;
Mupod: Right, right, it&#8217;s a flying saucer, are you a professional or what?

Sober: Uh, right. Um, you&#8217;ve run into this layout before?
UnknownSoldier: Not quite so big.
Mupod: I don&#8217;t like the look of that left side. We&#8217;ll cut across right&#8230; think I saw blast damage there, too.

<<-timestamp advance +145 seconds->>

UnknownSoldier: I hear something inside&#8230;

Mupod: Right. We&#8217;re heading into unknown territory here, people- I want this done safely, I want this done quietly. Be prepared for anything.
Thy: And try not to wreck anything if you don&#8217;t need to, guys.
Mupod: Yeah, Thy wants to get it on with the good doctor, so-
Thy: Shut up.

<<-timestamp advance +32 seconds->>

Mupod: Everybody ready?
Thy: Reloaded.
Sober: Ready to rock&#8230;
Mupod: Something&#8217;s in there&#8230; okay, right&#8230; how the fuck do you open this thing? I just&#8230; hmmm.
UnknownSoldier: Maybe just... I don&#8217;t know, is there a button?
Mupod: Fuckin&#8217; aliens gotta have high-tech laser-ass doors instead of just usin- woah!

Thy: Oh, shit!

Sober: What the-
Mupod: The fuck?
Thy: That&#8217;s the same type of fucker who shot Frontie!
Mupod: None of you got shots off?
UnknownSoldier: Sorry, Septic, you didn&#8217;t tell us when you&#8217;d trigger the door-
Thy: Frag out!

Thy: Septic, get in there!
Mupod: My fucking ears-

[shotgun blast]

Sober: Christ, Thy, you couldn&#8217;t have given a little more warning?
Mupod: And what was all that shit about not wrecking stuff inside?
Thy: Hey, that&#8217;s the same type of fucker who put Frontie in medbay for two weeks. You&#8217;re not jonseying for a plasma sunbake, right?
UnknownSoldier: Garotte&#8217;s got a point, Septic.
Mupod: Seriously, you gotta stop calling me that. HQ, we done here?
Central: Retrieval teams are inbound, Contact Team Alpha. XSAT-001 isn&#8217;t detecting anything else, but sweep the rest of the ship to make sure. Good work.

---Transcript Ends---

KILLS/MISSION BOARD:
Mupod &#8211; 15/6 (+3)
Thy &#8211; 11/6 (+4)
Frontieuk &#8211; 7/5 (-)
UnknownSoldier &#8211; 5/6 (-)
Deraldin &#8211; 2/2 (-)
Sober &#8211; 0/1 (-)

 

[KO Traveling Hobo]

Damn, Jintor. I think you might be overqualified for the position of XCOM director. Also, Mupod is such a kill-hog.

Huh. I would get Overwatch all the time on my playthrough, though I've been on hiatus awhile from it.

Maybe I'm just too aggressive.

 

[Jintor]

"...so clustering uplink facilities nearby actually allows us to re-distribute additional bandwidth processing from either of the primaries to decrypt a single additional satellite feed, Director. Of course, that was always in the theoretical calculations, but to have them bear fruit is-"

"That's all I needed to hear, Dr. Jamie. How goes progress on XSAT-003?"

"We manage, we manage. Having the whole team able to concentrate on a single priority task is a help, of course."

"Yes, well, we really can't afford to prioritise equipment manufacture when our Contact Teams are doing so well without really bothering with all of that... and network coverage is, of course, our overriding priority right now."

"Nonetheless-"

"Sir, you're needed in Mission Control. Another three-pronged abduction attempt."

"Ah, Eidelon. Well, I can't say I wasn't expecting this. Let me see here... hmmm."

"Sir, Canada and the UK are claiming that they have or expect to have the situation under control. I, uh, kind of doubt them, but... well, the Australian government is a bit more clear about how fucked they're going to be."

"The Aussies? Thought they'd be more macho about it."

"They told me to tell you that a woman's home is her castle. Not sure what they meant, specifically, but-"

"Yes, yes, that's General Shan for you. Wrong state for that reference, though. Very well. Contact Team Alpha deploys for Australia in five minutes or less."

 

[Jamie OD]

To: All
From: Dr. Jamie OD
Subject: Satellite Usage

For the last time, none of the active satellites can be used for access to any sport stations for the barracks. I don't even know why some of you want to watch hockey, the NHL hasn't had an active season since 2011 for God's sake! And whoever it was that tried to hack into the system to watch X Factor last week, you're just as bad as the aliens.

Dr. Jamie OD

 

[Dakota47]

To: All
From: Dr. Jamie OD
Subject: Satellite Usage

For the last time, none of the active satellites can be used for access to any sport stations for the barracks. I don't even know why some of you want to watch hockey, the NHL hasn't had an active season since 2011 for God's sake! And whoever it was that tried to hack into the system to watch X Factor last week, you're just as bad as the aliens.

Dr. Jamie OD

This thread is getting better with every post. I need to play this game more.

 

[elfinke]

So this game just went from being on my wish list to bought in t-minus 3 pages... Adored the demo but was happy to wait awhile before buying.

Glorious effort to all involved.

 

[Jintor]

CLASSIFIED TOP SECRET
//INCIDENT REPORT_0007//
OPERATION STONE KING
<<BRISBANE, AUSTRALIA>>
5 April 2015

CONTACT TEAM ALPHA
Lt. Mupod
Lt. Thy
Sgt. UnknownSoldier
Rk. Lorebringer

---ATTACHED: BARRACKS PERSONNEL POST-MISSION REVIEW---

Attending: Sgt. Sober; Cpl. Frontieuk; Sq. Deraldin; Pvt. Fin; Pvt Rentahamster; Pvt. The Wizard; Pvt Tu101uk; Pvt Spirit of Jazz; Pvt. Luigi87
Location: XCOM HQ Barracks

Sober: We&#8217;ve already seen it, but the Director&#8217;s ordered me to run through the audiovisual for you rookies, to see what you untested bastards can learn by watching Mupod&#8217;s latest fuckup.
Frontieuk: Yeah, even though I&#8217;m the one with more goddamn anti-xeno experience around here.
Sober: See these stripes, Corporal? They mean I&#8217;m a Sergeant, Corporal. That means I outrank you, Corporal. And I may not have fought many of these grey motherfuckers, Corporal, but I&#8217;ve killed a damn sight more men then you have, I&#8217;d wager.
Frontieuk: &#8230;fuck you, you don&#8217;t know me, you don&#8217;t know my record-
Sober: On the contrary-
Fin: Uh, sarge, the vid&#8217;s starting.
Sober: Oh, right. Everyone, pay attention!

 

[lorebringer]

Oh god oh god oh god oh god, the suspense.

Spoiler

I'm going to die I can just feel it, hopefully I'll tase one of the aliens first

 

[thy_]

Oh god oh god oh god oh god, the suspense.

Spoiler

I'm going to die I can just feel it, hopefully I'll tase one of the aliens first

What are you talking about, soldier?
You were there, weren't you? You know what happened!

*Pours another whiskey*

Spoiler

Why the hell am I talking to a ghost? *hicks*

 

[KO Traveling Hobo]

This lends credence to my theory that the listed difficulty of abduction missions doesn't mean anything.

 

[sonicmj1]

This lends credence to my theory that the listed difficulty of abduction missions doesn't mean anything.

I think the difficulty of abduction missions only corresponds to the number of aliens you'll find.

Given how many things can go wrong in any encounter, I feel like the numbers matter a lot less than the quality of your opposition and the terrain on which you face them.

 

[KO Traveling Hobo]

I think the difficulty of abduction missions only corresponds to the number of aliens you'll find.

Probably, though I haven't noticed.

Given how many things can go wrong in any encounter, I feel like the numbers matter a lot less than the quality of your opposition and the terrain on which you face them.

Agreed. Maybe Jintor landed at a gas station.

 

[Jintor]

Sober: Okay, Bluey sets down one on end of some kind of highway or somethin’. Team immediately heads for cover.

Frontieuk: Everyone’s moving up the right side, slowly, moving from car to car. It’s a good idea, alright? That’s how we sweep.
Rentahamster: We know that, Corp…
The Wizard: What’s Lt. Thy doing?

Frontieuk: Well, he’s a sniper, ain’t he? He’s trying to get visibility…

Frontieuk: …but there’s no practical benefit to being up there, with no targets and no cover, so he just climbs right back down again.
Sober: Bit of a waste of time, but what can you do.
Frontieuk: Damn straight.

Sober: So Stacks spots the first batch hiding up on the scaffolding…

Sober: …and a second batch chilling on ground level by some cars.
Frontieuk: And that’s when shit starts to go south.

 

[Jintor]

Frontieuk: Stacks runs back to the group. Good idea; much better cover where the others are, more guns ready to fire.
Sober: That probably saved his life here. As you can see, this little grey bastard tried to take a few potshots at him.

Frontieuk: If you&#8217;re on point and spot the enemy, set up killzones, try and draw ET back towards you.
Sober: The glowing means they&#8217;re, like&#8230; linked or some shit. It&#8217;s in your briefing materials, but the practical thing is, kill the one who starts the glowing and it&#8217;ll kill the other motherfucker when you bring the first one down.
Fin: Uh&#8230; I don&#8217;t really follow your grammar, sarge.
Sober: You&#8217;ll figure it out.
Frontieuk: Anyway, now they&#8217;re fucked for cover. That green crap always screws over car engines.
Sober: And this asshole from the scaffolding group moves up. Septic takes a potshot at it, but a shottie at that range is just stupid.

Frontieuk: If you&#8217;re expecting to be able to take some shots at range and don&#8217;t think anything&#8217;s going to rush you, well, you&#8217;ve got pistols for a reason.
Sober: Try and remember that.
Tu101uk: So they&#8217;re falling back because of the burning car&#8230;
Frontieuk: Right. Septic gets a solid hit in rounding the corner of the truck, but that skinny little thing just takes it like a champ.

TheWizard: Is it normal for these things to take more than a burst to take out?
Frontieuk: Not in my experience, not this specific type. Stacks here lays down some covering fire as he&#8217;s retreating, and he gets the hit, but&#8230;

Frontieuk: &#8230;well, sometimes shit happens, and you&#8217;ve just got to deal with it.
Rentahamster: Rough.
Sober: It&#8217;s going to get rougher.

 

[Incendiary]

The tension, THE TENSION!

/uses commercial break to get more popcorn

 

[Rentahamster]

Rookie Hamster don't know how to wipe his own ass yet.

 

[Deraldin]

Frontieuk: &#8230;well, sometimes shit happens, and you&#8217;ve just got to deal with it.
Rentahamster: Rough.
Sober: It&#8217;s going to get rougher.

I'm kicking myself for not noticing this earlier, but this snip finally hit me over the head with the clue bat. Not one of the contact team is taking part in this post mission review. >_>

 

[Mupod]

M...maybe he's just trying to change it up a bit.

 

[Noaloha]

---ATTACHED: BARRACKS PERSONNEL POST-MISSION REVIEW---

Attending: Sgt. Sober; Cpl. Frontieuk; Sq. Deraldin; Pvt. Fin; Pvt Rentahamster; Pvt. The Wizard; Pvt Tu101uk; Pvt Spirit of Jazz; Pvt. Luigi87
Location: XCOM HQ Barracks

Sober: We’ve already seen it, but the Director’s ordered me to run through the audiovisual for you rookies, to see what you untested bastards can learn by watching Mupod’s latest fuckup.
Frontieuk: Yeah, even thou ////

Yeaaaah, just, err, mixing things up. Mmhm. Yep. Definitely just that.

 

[Deraldin]

Well "latest fuckup" isn't as bad as "last" or "final" right?

 

[Jamie OD]

It isn't as bad for him...

 

[Incendiary]

Well "latest fuckup" isn't as bad as "last" or "final" right?

Just keep telling yourself that.

 

[Jintor]

Spirit of Jazz: So that car explodes, sets the car where the Ruskie’s hiding behind alight…
Frontieuk: Who, Deraldin?
Deraldin: I was not on mission, Corporal.
Spirit of Jazz: No, the other Ruskie. Uh, whatshisface – Lawbringer.
Deraldin: Lorebringer.
Spirit of Jazz: Right – oh, man.

Frontieuk: That’s right; poor kid took a face full of plasma.
Sober: To his credit, didn’t knock him down.

Sober: Even managed to avoid the second burst and run the fuck away. Good heart.
Frontieuk: Now... this is the point where Septic does something incredibly, amazingly stupid.
Sober: I mean, consider this. Mupod’s been here since the very beginning, right-
Rentahamster: About a month, then?
Sober: Shut up, Private. I mean, look. Mupod’s our most experienced officer, a tonne of kills, lived through every mission, never had a scratch. Can run into a withering firestorm and knows how not to get hit. And now-

Frontieuk: The idiot decides to run right up to one of these fuckers without even checking to see what’s up ahead.
Sober: And what’s up ahead…

Sober: …is more assholes.

 

[Dakota47]

Mupod is gonna git it.

 

[Mupod]

 

[Incendiary]

Mupod is gonna git it.

It comes down to Mupod's accuracy with that there shotgun. If he takes out that Sectoid, they could still come out of this okay. If he misses point-blank, the mission's over.

/grips the edge of his seat

I feel like I'm watching a horror movie. WHO WILL LIVE? WHO WILL DIE?

 

[Deraldin]

I feel like I'm watching a horror movie. WHO WILL LIVE? WHO WILL DIE?

Never split up the party!

 

[decoyplatypus]

This thread just keeps getting better.

 

[Jintor]

Frontieuk: So yeah. Don&#8217;t fucking do that.
Sober: Even these grey fucks are surprised by something that mindbogglingly stupid. They take a shot but hit the car Septic and the grey are behind.

Frontieuk: Septic gets the shot off &#8211;

Frontieuk: -which zaps this guy here, too-

Frontieuk: But then that car they're behind? It fucking explodes.

 

[Deraldin]

I hate it when they take overwatch shots that set your cover on fire after you move. >_<

 

[Mupod]

Exploding cars only do 6 damage. This is all part of my master plan to spend as much time in the medbay as possible.

 

[decoyplatypus]

I almost lost my one and only psi-soldier to an exploding vehicle. Those things are no joke.

 

[george21000]

I almost lost my one and only psi-soldier to an exploding vehicle. Those things are no joke.

I lost a psi-soldier to an exploding vehicle... haven't played the game since

 

[Mupod]

I lost a psi-soldier to an exploding vehicle... haven't played the game since

I lost one because I made the mistake of taking psi panic. Used it on a heavy floater and instead of doing anything beneficial it just hit her with a 1 in a million shot from max range. Man, why even put that ability in?

 

[Jintor]

Frontieuk: You can see here that Septic survived. Now that, team, was just dumb luck. By all rights there shouldn&#8217;t have been enough of Septic left to mail home.
Sober: Now we have to rewind a bit here because the primary contact team was doing something while Mupod was committing suicide, but basically-
Deraldin: El-tee misses a shot-

Deraldin: And Sergeant Unknown sees what is occurring with Lieutenant Mupod and rushes to help.

TheWizard: Oh, shit.

Rentahamster: But Thy was almost entirely behind that truck! How&#8217;d he get hit?

 

[Unknown Soldier]

This new reviewing-the-video idea of the mission breakdown is actually pretty awesome.

Also, why am I following Mupod to certain death? Please don't tell me I had the brilliant idea of using a Medpac on him. Those Medpacs are for ME!

 

[Deraldin]

At least you aren't getting a face full of plasma like Thy. Yet.