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2 friends in a relationship together. One is cheating on the other. What do you do?

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Z

ZombiePlatypus

Member
I know it's gonna make the entire post sound freaking dumb, but let's call them Friend A and Friend B.

I've known Friend A for a long time and only met Friend B through A.

It's not my business, and I definitely don't wanna tell people how to run their relationships, but I can't help and feel complicit in this by pretending not to know. Even though I still care about A, and have known them far longer, I consider B a friend as well. Staying quiet feels like I'm betraying them. Yet if I speak up, I betray A.

I've talked to A, and they've said they tried to break up and end things, and wants to move on, but B keeps imploring to stay and give the relationship more time.

This wouldn't be relevant to me, except when I hang out with them together now, I have to play along with this charade where things are fine. All while A tells me they're stepping out to see the other person on the side. As I stay and keep B company.

I feel absolutely horrible for B and can't figure out how to level with them without robbing A of the opportunity to come clean and betraying their trust.

Advice?
 
E

EightBitNate

Member
Are you the only person that knows A is cheating? If more than one person knows, I'd try to tell B anonymously. That way A doesn't think it was you, and B knows the truth.
 
Z

ZombiePlatypus

Member
MogCakes said:
If you were in B's shoes, would you want to know if your partner was cheating on you?
Click to expand...

Yeah... Of course.

I wanted A to do it and come clean but they've been dragging their feet. I'm starting to think I should give A a deadline and let them know that if they don't do it by such time, I'll spill the beans, but... (this is selfish of me, I know) it probably means I'll lose A as a friend.
 
P

peanutbutterlatte

Member
Hate it when friends selfishly put others in awkward positions like this.

Having been in the exact same position, I didn't tell my equivalent of Friend B, and she understood when it eventually came to light. I was really irritated that my friend had told me (and done it) in the first place though. In retrospect? If I had told her, I would have risked one of the longest running friendships I've had.

There's no simple answer to this though and the fact of the matter is Friend A is a bit of a dick.
 
Jaffaboy

Jaffaboy

Member
Their relationship is going to end sooner or later, and you're probably more likely gonna remain friends with A over B, so just continue as you are if you want that to happen. There shouldn't be a problem with you telling A how you feel shitty hanging out with B when you know how A feels about the relationship, though. A should just do the right thing and end it already, but don't do that for them.
 
A

Alienous

Member
I wouldn't be too bothered about implementing that deadline idea. You shouldn't have to deal with Friend A's bad karma.

This is mainly why I'd say the above:

ZombiePlatypus said:
This wouldn't be relevant to me, except when I hang out with them together now, I have to play along with this charade where things are fine. All while A tells me they're stepping out to see the other person on the side. As I stay and keep B company.
Click to expand...
 
Z

ZombiePlatypus

Member
Jaffaboy said:
Their relationship is going to end sooner or later, and you're probably more likely gonna remain friends with A over B, so just continue as you are if you want that to happen. There shouldn't be a problem with you telling A how you feel shitty hanging out with B when you know how A feels about the relationship, though. A should just do the right thing and end it already, but don't do that for them.
Click to expand...

I don't wanna lose B though. Yet when this comes to light and they find out I stayed silent...I mean how could I blame them if they cut me off?

Maybe I'm asking for too much here by wanting to keep both of them. Especially since this isn't about me.
 
M

MogCakes

Member
ZombiePlatypus said:
Maybe I'm asking for too much here by wanting to keep both of them. Especially since this isn't about me.
Click to expand...
You could feign ignorance to it if you don't want to get involved more than you already are. However if B finds out you knew, you will most likely lose them as a friend, yes. It's a matter of doing what's right vs loyalty.
 
B

Bold One

Member
Mind yo business

images
 
D

DeathyBoy

Banned
ZombiePlatypus said:
I don't wanna lose B though. Yet when this comes to light and they find out I stayed silent...I mean how could I blame them if they cut me off?

Maybe I'm asking for too much here by wanting to keep both of them. Especially since this isn't about me.
Click to expand...

What is this shit?

You can be friends with both.
 
J

jdstorm

Banned
ZombiePlatypus said:
Yeah... Of course.

I wanted A to do it and come clean but they've been dragging their feet. I'm starting to think I should give A a deadline and let them know that if they don't do it by such time, I'll spill the beans, but... (this is selfish of me, I know) it probably means I'll lose A as a friend.
Click to expand...

If A doesn't have the courage to do their own dirty work, they might be worth dropping as a friend. Just make sure A and B are togeather when you drop the truth bomb. Then you can exit the room and they can have the grownup discussion
 
G

Guess Who

Banned
DeathyBoy said:
What is this shit?

You can be friends with both.
Click to expand...

The implication is:

1) If OP tells B, A will be mad and may not want to be friends with OP anymore.

2) If OP doesn't tell B and B eventually finds out, B will be mad at OP for not telling them and may not want to be friends with OP anymore.

To the OP: I don't know your history with A, but personally, this is the kind of thing that would make me not want to be friends with A anymore anyway, so I'd tell B.
 
B

border

Member
Don't get involved at all. You don't know what kind of situation A and B have worked out together. For all you know B might know that A is kinda on-the-prowl, but is choosing to ignore it....don't throw it in his/her face.

If B eventually finds out what A is doing, you can probably plausibly deny that you had knowledge of it, or at least say that "A told me he was seeing someone else, but I thought that was just macho bullshit." If it can irrevocably be proven that you had knowledge of A's philandering, then you just tell B that "I don't get involved in other people's relationships unless there is physical abuse involved." I think most people will respect that stance, even if they don't agree with it.
 
H

Hazmat

Member
When friends break up there's a real possibility that you have to pick which one to keep being friends with. Sometimes it works out where you can maintain a relationship with both, but not always. I'd think about who you'd pick if it came to it and then let that guide you.

Or keep your mouth shut and tell A that B is your friend and you don't want to know about his infidelities.
 
A

Alpha Centauri

Member
First off, can we get some made up names? Person A and Person B really suck. You can even invert their gender for all I care.

Why would it come out that you knew? They can break up without the other knowing that they cheated. Why do you feel like you would be in the crossfire? You won't be unless you inject yourself to be.


I mean... If B comes out and straight up asks "did you know?" You can always tip toe around and say "well, I expected" and its up to you to use those social skills to properly deflect.
 
J

John Kowalski

Banned
I would tell. And then try to crush friend A's self esteem so bad he or she would be essentially emotionally broken and need me as a friend.
 
S

SolidChamp

Banned
My wife and I are friends with a married couple I've known since before I met my wife (19-20 years ago, probably). They're well into middle age; they've probably got 25 years on each of us, but they're some of our best friends. They like partying and hanging out like a couple of teenagers.

The couple seems miserable in their marriage somehow; she is ALWAYS ripping into him. Like, CONSTANTLY. She'll scream at him for the littlest things. It pisses me off. A lot of his best friends hate how she treats him. But they own properties together and they've been together for so long...I guess they're just used to it? I dunno.

Anyway, more than a decade ago, before my wife and I moved to Asia, my other best friend (who is my age) was being kind of flirty with the woman. Like, odd little things you notice, but not overt/blatant enough to throw up any red flags. He's a massive playboy; I think he's slept with over 40 women or something.

We were out together for my birthday, the married woman, my best friend the playboy, and my other best friend. At the end of the night, Playboy was dropping us off and insisted on dropping me off first, even though the woman was obviously the one who lived closer to where we were. And so he did...and then proceeded to mess around with this married woman who is nearly twice his age.

I found out because my other friend was flapping his big mouth online during a SOCOM match and laughing about it. I freaked.

So my wife and I (girlfriend at the time) made the decision to tell the married man about it. It was...awkward as shit. Here we were, two much younger people telling this married man that our friend, who was our age, had "tampered" with his wife.

Nothing ever came of it. They're still together. And it's always awkward if certain names are mentioned with certain people around.

Oh, and the married couple and playboy were both at my father's funeral this past February.

In my opinion, it was probably better to mind my own fucking business and stay out of it. I don't feel like we had any right to do that, in hindsight.

But that's just my opinion regarding my own situation, circumstances.

TL;DR - I regret telling my married friend who is twice my age that his wife fucked around with my best friend (who is the same age as me), who is a massive playboy to begin with. Nothing really ever happened as a result but everything became strange and awkward, after the fact.
 
Z

ZoronMaro

Member
I'd be totally real with A and tell him he's being a huge scumbag, I definitely wouldn't cover for him and keep B company while he's out cheating. The deadline thing is probably what I would do, give him like a week.

I've never actually been in that situation thank god, so maybe my iron morals aren't so strong, but that's how I'd like to think I'd handle it
 
R

Rur0ni

Member
SolidChamp said:
My wife and I are friends with a married couple I've known since before I met my wife (19-20 years ago, probably). They're well into middle age; they've probably got 25 years on each of us, but they're some of our best friends. They like partying and hanging out like a couple of teenagers.

The couple seems miserable in their marriage somehow; she is ALWAYS ripping into him. Like, CONSTANTLY. She'll scream at him for the littlest things. It pisses me off. A lot of his best friends hate how she treats him. But they own properties together and they've been together for so long...I guess they're just used to it? I dunno.

Anyway, more than a decade ago, before my wife and I moved to Asia, my other best friend (who is my age) was being kind of flirty with the woman. Like, odd little things you notice, but not overt/blatant enough to throw up any red flags. He's a massive playboy; I think he's slept with over 40 women or something.

We were out together for my birthday, the married woman, my best friend the playboy, and my other best friend. At the end of the night, Playboy was dropping us off and insisted on dropping me off first, even though the woman was obviously the one who lived closer to where we were. And so he did...and then proceeded to mess around with this married woman who is nearly twice his age.

I found out because my other friend was flapping his big mouth online during a SOCOM match and laughing about it. I freaked.

So my wife and I (girlfriend at the time) made the decision to tell the married man about it. It was...awkward as shit. Here we were, two much younger people telling this married man that our friend, who was our age, had "tampered" with his wife.

Nothing ever came of it. They're still together. And it's always awkward if certain names are mentioned with certain people around.

Oh, and the married couple and playboy were both at my father's funeral this past February.

In my opinion, it was probably better to mind my own fucking business and stay out of it. I don't feel like we had any right to do that, in hindsight.

But that's just my opinion regarding my own situation, circumstances.

TL;DR - I regret telling my married friend who is twice my age that his wife fucked around with my best friend (who is the same age as me), who is a massive playboy to begin with. Nothing really ever happened as a result but everything became strange and awkward, after the fact.
Click to expand...
Read this, OP.

Edit: Also tell A you're not interested in knowing such details.
 
D

Deleted member 465307

Unconfirmed Member
I'd talk to A. If you've known them for a long time, then I imagine your friendship is strong. As a result, they should be able to handle you telling them that you disagree with what they're doing, that it's making you feel very uncomfortable, and that it's straining your relationship with both A and B.

After having that conversation, I'd try hanging out with them as a couple less until it's resolved. I'm not sure, though, since it's like pretending you don't know and just avoiding the problem. Then again, it's not your problem. It's what I did when I was in a similar position.
 
D

danm999

Member
Putting aside what A is doing to B...

A actively using you to deceive and distract B while they cheat is a really fucking terrible thing to do to a friend, given you're also friends with B.
 
P

PaulloDEC

Member
ZombiePlatypus said:
I'm starting to think I should give A a deadline and let them know that if they don't do it by such time, I'll spill the beans, but... (this is selfish of me, I know) it probably means I'll lose A as a friend.
Click to expand...

This is what I'd do. Tell A that you love them and that you don't want to mess with them, but B is your friend too and what they're doing is unfair and wrong.

Being someone's friend doesn't mean you have to stand by while they act like an ass.
 
J

jesu

Member
SolidChamp said:
My wife and I are friends with a married couple I've known since before I met my wife (19-20 years ago, probably). They're well into middle age; they've probably got 25 years on each of us, but they're some of our best friends. They like partying and hanging out like a couple of teenagers.

The couple seems miserable in their marriage somehow; she is ALWAYS ripping into him. Like, CONSTANTLY. She'll scream at him for the littlest things. It pisses me off. A lot of his best friends hate how she treats him. But they own properties together and they've been together for so long...I guess they're just used to it? I dunno.

Anyway, more than a decade ago, before my wife and I moved to Asia, my other best friend (who is my age) was being kind of flirty with the woman. Like, odd little things you notice, but not overt/blatant enough to throw up any red flags. He's a massive playboy; I think he's slept with over 40 women or something.

We were out together for my birthday, the married woman, my best friend the playboy, and my other best friend. At the end of the night, Playboy was dropping us off and insisted on dropping me off first, even though the woman was obviously the one who lived closer to where we were. And so he did...and then proceeded to mess around with this married woman who is nearly twice his age.

I found out because my other friend was flapping his big mouth online during a SOCOM match and laughing about it. I freaked.

So my wife and I (girlfriend at the time) made the decision to tell the married man about it. It was...awkward as shit. Here we were, two much younger people telling this married man that our friend, who was our age, had "tampered" with his wife.

Nothing ever came of it. They're still together. And it's always awkward if certain names are mentioned with certain people around.

Oh, and the married couple and playboy were both at my father's funeral this past February.

In my opinion, it was probably better to mind my own fucking business and stay out of it. I don't feel like we had any right to do that, in hindsight.

But that's just my opinion regarding my own situation, circumstances.

TL;DR - I regret telling my married friend who is twice my age that his wife fucked around with my best friend (who is the same age as me), who is a massive playboy to begin with. Nothing really ever happened as a result but everything became strange and awkward, after the fact.
Click to expand...

the way you bang on about age is weird as fuck, and 'tampered? wtf
you say it got awkward in the last sentence.
it got awkward in the first paragraph.
 
B

border

Member
Don't issue deadlines or ultimatums to A. Just tell him that you don't want to hear about it and don't like the situation.

Making threats is only going to make A hate you, and doing it behind the scenes ensures that B won't think very much of you either.
 
J

jb1234

Member
I'd talk to A and tell him that using you to keep this charade going is a complete no-go. Make it very clear you consider his behavior shitty and that you want no part of it.

I'm not sure there's much else you can do without causing further drama in a situation that will inevitably end on its own anyway. You're risking losing the friendship of B by not saying anything but I'm hoping the person will understand that you were put in a very uncomfortable position.
 
David Ricardo

David Ricardo

Member
ZombiePlatypus said:
I know it's gonna make the entire post sound freaking dumb, but let's call them Friend A and Friend B.

I've known Friend A for a long time and only met Friend B through A.

It's not my business, and I definitely don't wanna tell people how to run their relationships, but I can't help and feel complicit in this by pretending not to know. Even though I still care about A, and have known them far longer, I consider B a friend as well. Staying quiet feels like I'm betraying them. Yet if I speak up, I betray A.

I've talked to A, and they've said they tried to break up and end things, and wants to move on, but B keeps imploring to stay and give the relationship more time.

This wouldn't be relevant to me, except when I hang out with them together now, I have to play along with this charade where things are fine. All while A tells me they're stepping out to see the other person on the side. As I stay and keep B company.

I feel absolutely horrible for B and can't figure out how to level with them without robbing A of the opportunity to come clean and betraying their trust.

Advice?
Click to expand...
Your friend A is a piece of shit. Not only is he deceiving B but is also making you his accomplice. You should tell him you are not going to be part of his deceive manoeuvres anymore.
 
S

SalvaPot

Member
If A is using you to keep B busy then A has directly involved you in his cheating. In your choose I would confront A about this and tell him to end things or else you are telling B about it.
 
T

Tregard

Soothsayer
Tell A to cut the crap or you'll out them to B, you've been made part of this, and B deserves to know if they're being screwed around
 
Jzero

Jzero

Member
I told my ex-bestfriend that her boyfriend was cheating on her and she just brushed it off saying that was impossible. The guy and his buff buddy later tried to beat my ass for telling her. Now I just mind my own business and let people get fucked.

I would personally want to know if i was getting cheated on though.
 
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