davepoobond
you can't put a price on sparks
sounds like this relationship will end one way or the other. i'd stay out of this one. its not like theyre married and theyve already been on the outs repeatedly from what you'd say
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2 friends in a relationship together. One is cheating on the other. What do you do?
- Thread starter ZombiePlatypus
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I like how you think
If op stays out of it and B finds out, he definitely loses a friend.
littleworm
Member
Get involved, what happens after that is on them, not you.
I'll never understand this. How shitty does a friend's behavior have to be before you'll stand up and say something?
Maybe I'm the weirdo here, but I have too much respect for my friends to just watch them act like assholes without saying anything. If I could, I'd have to question how much I really care about them.
One put OP in a really awkward position by using him/her to keep one of them company while the other cheats. That's not really friendship behavior. Shitty people need to be told they are being shitty and to knock it off.
Sirpopopop
Member
Whatever choice you make, in the long run it probably won't matter.
Most friendships are fleeting. People come. People go.
There's only one question you need to ask yourself:
What kind of person are you?
Most friendships are fleeting. People come. People go.
There's only one question you need to ask yourself:
What kind of person are you?
NoblesseOblige
Banned
Equalize the guilt field and convince friend B to cheat on A with you.
Or engage in a foursome between You, A, B, and A's side-person.
Heck, invite GAF to the party. Let's make an orgy of this.
Or engage in a foursome between You, A, B, and A's side-person.
Heck, invite GAF to the party. Let's make an orgy of this.
Sixfortyfive
He who pursues two rabbits gets two rabbits.
Sometimes there's room for nuance depending on the situation, but I always try to put myself in the shoes of the different parties involved and play out some of the worst case scenarios. These usually come to mind:
"The baby's not yours? Sorry dude, I could've warned you earlier, but you know, none of my business."
"You contracted HIV? I knew he/she was sleeping around, but none of my business."
In the end, I feel that if I had a "friend" who withheld this sort of information from me out of a desire to "not risk the friendship," and something like the above came to pass, I'd drop this guy like a rock for being so thoroughly cowardly and selfish. I don't need that kind of dead weight in my life.
(That first scenario actually almost happened to a close friend of mine of 25+ years. He's lucky he found out when he did because he was already in a pretty bad place in his life, and that could have literally ended him. I always think about him when this topic comes up.)
You can do what you like for your situation. I guess it depends on how close you are to B. I'd tell A to go kick rocks either way, though.
"The baby's not yours? Sorry dude, I could've warned you earlier, but you know, none of my business."
"You contracted HIV? I knew he/she was sleeping around, but none of my business."
In the end, I feel that if I had a "friend" who withheld this sort of information from me out of a desire to "not risk the friendship," and something like the above came to pass, I'd drop this guy like a rock for being so thoroughly cowardly and selfish. I don't need that kind of dead weight in my life.
(That first scenario actually almost happened to a close friend of mine of 25+ years. He's lucky he found out when he did because he was already in a pretty bad place in his life, and that could have literally ended him. I always think about him when this topic comes up.)
You can do what you like for your situation. I guess it depends on how close you are to B. I'd tell A to go kick rocks either way, though.
SynthFetish
Member
Anytime I've told Friend A that Friend B was fucking around, the good deed has backfired. This is now 5 times in my life.
Best you can do is encourage the cheater to break it off and move on. Nobody wants anyone else involved in their messy relationship.
If the friend won't confess, just stay out of it. It's none of your business.
EDIT: My opnion is based on my life experiences and personal preferences. I do not like the idea of anyone getting involved in my relationships, and I assume most other people feel the same.
Best you can do is encourage the cheater to break it off and move on. Nobody wants anyone else involved in their messy relationship.
If the friend won't confess, just stay out of it. It's none of your business.
EDIT: My opnion is based on my life experiences and personal preferences. I do not like the idea of anyone getting involved in my relationships, and I assume most other people feel the same.
thetrin
Hail, peons, for I have come as ambassador from the great and bountiful Blueberry Butt Explosion
Agree with this completely. Whatever decision you make, make the one that's inline with the kind of person you want to be.
Messofanego
Banned
I wouldn't want to be friends with a cheater who also exploits me in covering up his cheating.
TangerineCloud
Banned
In your situation, I would not hesitate to tell friend B. I won't allow myself to be passively complicit in anyone else's wrongdoing for the sake of friendship. That said, with A and B's relationship being in the state you've described, I can understand why you might feel conflicted about this. It sounds like A is more or less done with the relationship, and B is trying to keep a corpse on life support. With this in mind, I think the best course of action would be to set a deadline for A to admit to what he's done before personally getting involved and telling B. This would preserve your own integrity and a degree of neutrality while also giving A the opportunity to either muster up the courage to come clean or end the relationship on his own terms.
Regardless of how you eventually choose to proceed, it's important that you ask yourself two questions: how low are you willing to go for the sake of maintaining a friendship? And, if you were in B's position, how would you want a friend in your shoes to act? The answers to these questions will give you a better understanding of your values (which is always a good thing) and guide you through situations of similar complexity in the future.
Regardless of how you eventually choose to proceed, it's important that you ask yourself two questions: how low are you willing to go for the sake of maintaining a friendship? And, if you were in B's position, how would you want a friend in your shoes to act? The answers to these questions will give you a better understanding of your values (which is always a good thing) and guide you through situations of similar complexity in the future.
What does B think is happening when A isn't around and you are keeping them company?
R U C?
ZombiePlatypus
Member
B hit me up asking if I know where A currently is. (At the moment, I'm home and not involved in whatever A is doing.)
While I didn't say A is cheating, I went ahead and told B that being put in a position where you have to repeatedly worry and wonder like this is indicative to an outsider like me looking in that this is something that should end, and that they both should be with someone that makes them happy.
I don't know what else I can say that can simultaneously support both them.
While I didn't say A is cheating, I went ahead and told B that being put in a position where you have to repeatedly worry and wonder like this is indicative to an outsider like me looking in that this is something that should end, and that they both should be with someone that makes them happy.
I don't know what else I can say that can simultaneously support both them.
-ImaginaryInsider
Member
I've had this happen to me a few times, if I know "for sure", I have always told the significant other, the bro/friend code ends for me when I'm expected to help one friend lie and cheat on the other.
Enter The 36 Chambers
Member
So friend A is your friend longer, and you only met friend B through A.
And friend A is cheating?
Stay way out of this. A is your friend. B is only your friend through association. Do eight by your friend and keep your mouth shut.
It's none if your business and it makes you a shitty friend to go all chatty patty and start blabbing.
Stay out of it.
And friend A is cheating?
Stay way out of this. A is your friend. B is only your friend through association. Do eight by your friend and keep your mouth shut.
It's none if your business and it makes you a shitty friend to go all chatty patty and start blabbing.
Stay out of it.
I was in a similar situation when I was younger.
I told the girl. She flipped out, they broke up, she thanked me and moved back home (she was from out of state), and he threatened to kill me. Mutual friends were divided on the issue. Some thought I should have minded my own business. He accused me of sleeping with her, which wasn't true. I think it was the right thing to do, but I suffered a lot because of it. It was back in 2004. I never talked to either one of them again.
I told the girl. She flipped out, they broke up, she thanked me and moved back home (she was from out of state), and he threatened to kill me. Mutual friends were divided on the issue. Some thought I should have minded my own business. He accused me of sleeping with her, which wasn't true. I think it was the right thing to do, but I suffered a lot because of it. It was back in 2004. I never talked to either one of them again.
lightskintwin
Banned
It's none of your business. Stay out of it. Your loyalties should lie with Friend A. If Friend B was cheating, then telling Friend A would've been the proper thing to do due to ya'lls history. However that's not the case, so don't say shit.
Exactly this.
Exactly this.
-ImaginaryInsider
Member
That's the other factor, friend "A" expects the OP to cover for him, that's not true friendship.
lightskintwin
Banned
I would argue that's actually showing true friendship that he got his friend's back.
If OP is a guy, and friend A is a guy then that's Man Code 101.
Prime crotch
Banned
Have a talk with your friend A so he doesn't put you in a chaperone situation any longer. You don't have to cover for his shit, unless it was a very specific circumstance.
Enter The 36 Chambers
Member
Depends on your definition of friendship.
I wouldn't consider someone a friend who was willing to rat me out to a girl he only met through me.
I have a handful of lifelong friends and others I've met along the way that I know I can trust with something like this.
I feel bad for people who cant say the same.
This isn't an issue of morality for what A is doing here. This is about OP being a shitty friend if he gets involved and tells B.
If you give any amounts of a shit about your friend, stay out of it OP.
As a person who wrecked lives with cheating in the past; if your friend keeps dragging their feet then tell the other.
Seriously.
If Friend A just keeps avoiding it, it's probably out of some fear of what it might lead to.
That doesn't matter in the slightest. They need to work it out asap.
Just trust me on this one.
Seriously.
If Friend A just keeps avoiding it, it's probably out of some fear of what it might lead to.
That doesn't matter in the slightest. They need to work it out asap.
Just trust me on this one.
Ain't gonna lie, that was my first thought.
So many people willing to defend cheating. End it or don't cheat, those are the two real options. The third, cheating, is just fuckery of the highest order. It really messes people up and gives them trust issues when they find out. Fuck anyone that excuses it, certainly people who think covering is part of the "man code".
TangerineCloud
Banned
There is no ambiguity, moral or otherwise, in cheating. Your friend A knew of the risks and consequences that could (and would) accompany the actions he took. He then knowingly proceeded to thrust you into an uncomfortable situation by making you complicit in those actions, it sounds like, without adequately consulting you beforehand. Keep this in mind while others in this thread insist that you "think of bro code" or "look out for your brother" and other such bullshit.
lightskintwin
Banned
It's hilarious when I meet these lame dudes in real life who violate man code, most people look down on their behavior. It's none of your business.
Enter The 36 Chambers
Member
This has nothing to do with cheating. OP isn't in a relationship so he should stay the fuck out.
Stop projecting, no one is excusing cheating.
OP is just sticking his nose in where it doesn't belong. It's their relationship, respectful that and stay the fuck out of it.
Peer pressure friend A into coming clean. Rip into them about it whenever it comes up. It's not fair to B for obvious reasons and it's not fair to you as you are friends with both. Issuing an ultimatum should they really drag their feet about it also isn't a bad thing. And if A really kicks off at you then drop them as a friend.
liliththepale
Banned
As usual with relationship threads on GAF, skim through all the conflicting advice and then just do what you wanted to do anyway, safe in the comfort of knowing that at least some percent of people out there would have done the same.
TangerineCloud
Banned
If OP's friend didn't OP to stick his nose where it didn't belong, then he shouldn't have purposely chosen OP's doorstep to drop his steaming, wet shit on.
lightskintwin
Banned
What type of friend tattle tales on their own friend who they've known longer, to their significant other that they only met through their friend they've known longer, that they're cheating?
Enter The 36 Chambers
Member
That's irrelevant though. Cheating is shitty, and getting OP involves is between OP and his friend to discuss.
OP getting involved or issuing ultimatum is not his place.
I'll throw this out there. Do you really want to be friends with someone who is cheating? In my experience, the ones who cheat are also doing some other bullshit behind the scenes and have no problem throwing your ass under the bus. That's a friendship I wouldn't put much into.
On the opposite side, as someone who had to mother a couple and roommate who got involved in this shit. It's not fucking worth it. Best decision I made was distancing myself from the bomb that eventually happened.
Man, I haven't heard anyone use tattle tale since grade school.
On the opposite side, as someone who had to mother a couple and roommate who got involved in this shit. It's not fucking worth it. Best decision I made was distancing myself from the bomb that eventually happened.
Man, I haven't heard anyone use tattle tale since grade school.
SlipperyFishes
Banned
Change the name of the side in A's phone to B so he messages her by mistake and spills it. Then change it back again when he steps out. By then the jig is up
Blargonaut
Banned
friendship is company and sometimes you gotta whistleblow
Tevious
Member
I'd tell friend A to quit burdening me and to keep me the fuck out of it. Either they end it (with either B or the other person), or don't expect me to keep this charade going. Maybe, if it comes up naturally, I'd tell B that I've known A for a long time and I don't think their relationship will work out.
What kind of person allows someone's assholery to slide just because you are friends?
OP is already involved because A told him about it.
Do people like you guys just have friends around you to stroke your ego and be your yes men or something? Personally I'd was my friend's to call me out on doing something shitty.B because we have built up the kind of friendship that allows for that.
lightskintwin
Banned
Assholery? The friend isn't cheating on me. It's a situation only between my friend and their significant other and nobody else. It isn't my business.
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