Sectorseven
Member
Why do you say it can never happen for you, is it the country or culture you live in? Anecdotal, but my neighbor's son is gay and married, and just recently adopted, and I wouldn't say he looks any particular way, just "normal."
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Mental Health |OT2| - Light in the Darkness
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Why do you say it can never happen for you, is it the country or culture you live in? Anecdotal, but my neighbor's son is gay and married, and just recently adopted, and I wouldn't say he looks any particular way, just "normal."
I've been kinda bummed lately. Not sure what exactly is doing it, not having anything going on in my life (until school starts again next monday) probably doesn't help. Being lonely as fuck and hating meeting people is an unfortunately combination. I can't believe how old I've gotten without ever having the experience of a relationship or even a date. I don't even know how you can just jump in the game at this age with no experience. Going back to school as an "adult student" hasn't helped for shit in meeting women. I'm seriously going to fucking die alone. Kind of makes it hard to give a shit about anything else.
I've seen some fat ugly gay dudes in relationships. I wouldn't stress your looks too much.
Being gay does dramatically cut down on your options, honestly. And as someone who also doesn't really "get" the lifestyle, it makes it even harder. I did hookups for a while, found it unfulfilling. And I've observed that the majority of men (at least here in Seattle) are also in open relationships, something I doubt I'd be able to adapt to.
Ultimately, my circumstances convinced me that I won't be able to sustain a romantic relationship and so I gave up on that. And it honestly hasn't been that bad. There's less drama, for sure. My friends and family are great. Sure, I fear getting old and being alone (and dying alone) just like anyone else does but there's never any guarantees there even if you do manage to retain a partner for that period of time.
What I do know is that getting a partner isn't a quick fix for unhappiness.
Astral Dog
Member
Agree, that is a very important point, i could go up there with you if i had more accepting family members and good friends :,(
but thats going to take time and i would have to make hard choices to truly stay away from the family for awhile,
i was just saying that being Gay is an accepting process that we must take on for the sake of our health, there is no point in lamenting the fact we were not born different if we stuck there for too long that way only leads to suffer.
Pamplemousse
Member
It is. Being an ugly gay is awful because on average, gay men tend to be more attractive, so when one is ugly AND gay, it makes it that much worse. I've given up on finding anything meaningful honestly. I'm in the same boat as you only I don't think I'm quite as old.
P.S. Don't OD, Neo. Overdosing on non-illicit drugs is unlikely to be fatal, and you'd just wind up in the hospital getting your stomach pumped.
tearsofash
Member
EDIT: Speaking of overdosing, I took half a bottle of zoloft once. Don't do it. It just fucks with your head and not in a good way.
Latuda helps me a LOT. It's just that I've developed side effects. Fortunately, I am happy to report they have gone away thanks to the Cogentin. 😎
Latuda helps me a LOT. It's just that I've developed side effects. Fortunately, I am happy to report they have gone away thanks to the Cogentin. 😎
We are who we are.
No one stays attractive forever. I'm not sure what it's like in the gay community when you're 50 and above but we're all in the same boat eventually.
tearsofash
Member
I've noticed, in general, that people are less vain as they get older.
To hell with that. There is always an option even if that option is death.
Had a dream i OD'd today. It was weird, in the dream i drank a whole bottle of overproof Jamaican rum with a bunch of drugs. I was tearing up a bit about how long it took me to kill myself and then everything went black. Then i woke up in a dark corner of a ship. On of those old naval clipper ships. there was absolutely no one on board. i got to the deck of the ship, the sails were down and the ship was moving. The tides were a little violent but not so much to destroy the ship. the weather was very hot and the sun was blazing.
my roommate said he heard me talking but thought i was on the phone with someone. He said i sounded like i was crying then talking.
Maybe. But I'd say the best option for you is to come to terms with who you are.
Sonic Hill
Banned
I agree with this. I hate who I am. I hate my brain. I hate my looks. I hate people. I hate this world. I wish I wasn't such a pussy and could kill myself by now.
Btw, why don't we have a suicide thread? You know, for those who want to do it but can't.
User 479360
Banned
I just don't know what to do anymore.
CheesecakeRecipe
Stormy Grey
Some days... I feel like a permanent solution is the better option than futile temporary 'solutions' for permanent problems. Very difficult to fight back against it.
Those aren't actually my words lol.
My gf or exgf...I dunno what we are depends on the day...she saw a psychiatrist for her issues and that's what the doctor asked her when my gf brought up suicide
But it's hard. I try to change but it end up making things worse. Didn't luck out like some people with killer looks or a great personality or any redeeming qualities I suppose.
Whenever I see incredibly good looking guys I wonder why do they get all the luck of life. As the ugliest and fattiest person in the room 99% of the time I wonder why I even exist. I theorize that some people like me are just born losers to make other people who are winners in the genetic pool of life better. If this is my place in the world? Then why should I have to accept it or myself.
Astral Dog
Member
Because you could still find happiness in this world, Alive, Now, even if its not what you imagined or expected.but never in death.
At least thats the idea, i know im feeling a bit better by trying to stay in the now, even if its a long path.
I understand how this world will seem like a hellhole sometimes, but, in most of the cases suicide is not the answer, less in the now, please this thread is for helping people feel a bit better not throwing their last drops of sanity away.
I'm beginning to wonder if all the progress I've made on my anxiety is going to be for nothing. This year has been so extremely difficult. So many bad things happening one after the other. I'd been trying to work on therapy to get through depression, and I'm still working and in school(graduating in the fall, at last), but I don't know if my mind and body can put up with much more going wrong. I'm just getting over not being able to eat much of anything for 2 weeks and now I'm constantly having shortness of breath, like asthma or an anxiety attack, only it's happening like 40% of the time every day(for the record, my blood pressure seems to be fine).
I just want bad shit to stop happening for a couple weeks. I can get through it if things don't continue to go wrong. But I'm so scared that I'm caught in some downward spiral of misfortune, and I'm going to bring my spouse and closest friends down with me.
I just want bad shit to stop happening for a couple weeks. I can get through it if things don't continue to go wrong. But I'm so scared that I'm caught in some downward spiral of misfortune, and I'm going to bring my spouse and closest friends down with me.
I mean you can get married and adopt kids/ have someone carry a kid for you via artificial insimination. There are ways to make it work, you just gotta get there
That would work if I can find someone. Guys I like would never date me.
Astral Dog
Member
find a guy you dont like much and start from there.
Why would I do that? I tried that in high school and it was a terrible experience.
Astral Dog
Member
You could find some companionship , find a friend, etc. Could be worth a shot.
High Fry Frow
Member
Feeling massively discouraged as I'm nearly done with this course of bilateral ECT and I don't feel any better....this was supposed to be the end of the line; the very last option, and I feel exactly the same.
Nope. I'm not going out with those scary older guys who always hit people up for sex.
I've had a rough couple of weeks. I've failed my year(because I've stopped working completely last month), I don't know if I want to go back to college, I'm afraid of leaving the house, I barely talked to anyone last month
a month and a half ago I was a totally different person with aspirations, desires, friends, now I have no drive, only fear and anxiety. I'd like to pack up and go somewhere else but I have no money, no experience and a useless degree.
a month and a half ago I was a totally different person with aspirations, desires, friends, now I have no drive, only fear and anxiety. I'd like to pack up and go somewhere else but I have no money, no experience and a useless degree.
tearsofash
Member
Happy to report that my meds are working. Now I just need to get into a DBT program before I stop feeling numb and I get out of control again.
grap3fruitman
Banned
I get to see my unsupportive doctor on Thursday. I'm still contemplating killing myself in his office. I want to show him that I was truly suffering. I want him to feel miserable for not helping me. I don't see my life ever improving.
Who did you think I was talking about? That's who I'm seeing on Thursday. He refuses to help me so I'm going to show him that I was truly suffering. I wouldn't mind taking him with me either but I'm not planning on that.
Man, it really does feel good when I've got things going on in my life and I'm pursuing goals. Second semester of my electrical engineering program just started, got a 4.0 going at 18 credits in, and my honors instructor just approved my honors project proposal which will involve me spending the next two semesters designing and building a sweet electronic musical instrument that I can best describe as sort of a digital theremin. I plan on submitting it in the school's honors project competition at the end of the year and winning that summabitch. And I'm still vice president of the school robotics club. I should be coming out of this with a pretty sweet resume. If you'd have told me two years ago that I'd be here now I would've laughed in your face at the absurdity. Almost makes me not give a shit that I don't have a social life.
Do you have a therapist or something? If you're that bad off and you're desperate to talk to a professional, you might as well see a psychologist or psychiatrist. It's really worth it. It could save your life, figuratively or literally. I slowly pulled my life out of a black hole of despair once I got professional help.
Pamplemousse
Member
Grap3, I won't act like I know what you're going through, but this attitude of wanting to hurt others too is really scary. There's only so much your doctor can do, and he's a human being too.
Anyway, I'm really down again tonight, well, more so tonight than my usual constant low. I don't think I'm compatible with anyone in the gay community. I've already given up on finding a boyfriend, but maybe I should give up on even hooking up too. It doesn't really matter anyway. My days are numbered.
Astral Dog
Member
Horrible,but what happened in such a short time?
Why so low today you always sound so happy in the other place ��
sorry,i hope someday you share truly good news here.
Pamplemousse
Member
I can't do it anymore, Subby. I'm so tired of being alone. I just want to be close to someone, but I can't. I have so much love to give but no one who would have it. Plus, I'm cursed with this body. It's a prison that separates me from any happiness.
Aarglefarg
Member
I appreciate you.
And for any body, there are loads of people that it's exactly what they're looking for.
If you would like to talk about it in private with me you are welcome to send me a private message (taking into account different time zones so responses might not be timely based on the time they are sent).
My psych is a rude asshole with no compassion and speaks to me in a totally uncalibrated way as though I'm not depressed or anxious. If yours is as shit as mine, put a review of him up online. Usually people don't review, which works in your favor as when you put that negative review up it'll only thing that will pop up when people search him. People like that shouldn't be in the profession, they've run out of patience as they were just in it for the money and now found they've have had to deal with people.
Pamplemousse
Member
This is really cool to hear, especially as someone who's thinking of making some changes in a couple of years (new career, going back to school, etc).
Helps that my job has asked me to sign on for another year - that was the main source of my anxiety and I haven't slept better over the past week (though not perfectly). It's still not related to what I want to do in the long run, which kind of worries me sometimes at my age (early 30s), but overall I'm content.
I feel the same way. I HATE going to see my therapist because he works in a building that a popular tourist area and i always seem to see gay couples around with great bodies and looks. I'm the throwaway fucked up looking gay. I wish i was dead and gone, i'd rather be dead with no feelings than alive longing to be with someone but in a world that doesn't want me.
My birthday is coming up and i don't think i want to live to see it.
I think it's a combination of things (social isolation, anxiety) but the thing that triggered my current fear is terrorism. I am ashamed of being fearful, I don't understand how people can go on their daily lives like nothing is happening. I'm envious of people like that.
I'm obsessed by it, it occupies my every thought, I cook up all these scenarios of what could happen to me in such a situation (many different), of the horrible fate that would await me, of how my life could be ruined entirely by a severe wound.
I wish Andrew Yoon was still alive. I wish I could die take his place and he can live an awesome life. People like him should be alive they make the most of it. Persons like me should be dead. I'm a waste of life. As much as I try to mentally prepare myself for suicide I can't.
Here listening to the old podcast weekend confirmed with Andrew Yoon on it. I totally loved his voice. I had a slight crush on him though I know he probably never want to date me. No one does.
My friend is telling me I should cash out my 401k take on the tax penalty and move and find a new life. Sounds easy but it life itself wants you to suffer doesn't matter where you move.
Here listening to the old podcast weekend confirmed with Andrew Yoon on it. I totally loved his voice. I had a slight crush on him though I know he probably never want to date me. No one does.
My friend is telling me I should cash out my 401k take on the tax penalty and move and find a new life. Sounds easy but it life itself wants you to suffer doesn't matter where you move.
User 479360
Banned
I made myself go out today, and was kind of excited about it. I bought a controller (which I don't need, but the one I got with my system has some marks on it so I bought one that should be perfect), went to see Suicide Squad for discount Tuesday, and got some cat food. Also ended up finally getting a haircut after 2.5 months, and I look completely different. I had a very overgrown beard and very overgrown hair, making me look almost homeless.
Earlier, I didn't have any energy. I drank two energy drinks but still felt next to nothing. They never fully hit me, so I think my body is getting used to them. I got lots of sleep, too. But I was on the couch most of the day, and was even tired during the movies. I'm tired now, too.
It wasn't an easy day, either. Thoughts of my Mom popped into my head as I sat down at the hair salon, and I almost cried there. It was like something heavy was pushing on me inside. The same thing happened later on.
Earlier, I didn't have any energy. I drank two energy drinks but still felt next to nothing. They never fully hit me, so I think my body is getting used to them. I got lots of sleep, too. But I was on the couch most of the day, and was even tired during the movies. I'm tired now, too.
It wasn't an easy day, either. Thoughts of my Mom popped into my head as I sat down at the hair salon, and I almost cried there. It was like something heavy was pushing on me inside. The same thing happened later on.
ever since my depression hit like 18 months ago i've been consistency going to the gym. it's been a good escape.
unfortunately, one of my biggest fears seems to be coming true: my lack of energy/desire to do anything is making me want to go to the gym less and less
this sucks i'm gonna get fat and i'm sure that will do wonders for my already shitty self image... the lack of energy thing is a real brutal part of depression. i just want to sleep.
it's only a matter of time before i get fed up and just quit my job so i can sleep all day. i can already feel it coming >_<
unfortunately, one of my biggest fears seems to be coming true: my lack of energy/desire to do anything is making me want to go to the gym less and less
this sucks i'm gonna get fat and i'm sure that will do wonders for my already shitty self image... the lack of energy thing is a real brutal part of depression. i just want to sleep.
it's only a matter of time before i get fed up and just quit my job so i can sleep all day. i can already feel it coming >_<
User 479360
Banned
I see my psychiatrist again tomorrow. It will be the first time since the winter. I was tempted to just cancel it because I don't feel like going out, and it doesn't help much, but I figure I should go and then I can decide next time. Don't want to lose her.
Hey_Blinkin
Member
You know what sucks? Spending years working on your physical image only to realize that you are still as off-putting to women as you were before. I should have spent that time working on my mental health and depression. I was 100lbs overweight and I thought if I could only manage to get back into shape I would have some luck with women. But here I am in the best shape of my life and nothing has changed. It's amazing how they can tell how socially awkward I am before I even say a word. It's getting harder and harder for me to go to the gym and not eat that goddamn Twinkie when I'm not having any results.
The worst part about it is that I'm becoming bitter. Whenever I see a new couple on Facebook or just out and about it makes me feel like shit. And then I feel like shit for feeling like shit. I should want the best for everyone and to be happy for them that they're happy.
I've been dealing with depression for 15 years but I feel like this is a new low. I kinda miss the naivety of thinking I'm better off alone.
The worst part about it is that I'm becoming bitter. Whenever I see a new couple on Facebook or just out and about it makes me feel like shit. And then I feel like shit for feeling like shit. I should want the best for everyone and to be happy for them that they're happy.
I've been dealing with depression for 15 years but I feel like this is a new low. I kinda miss the naivety of thinking I'm better off alone.
bronkonagurski
Gold Member
I know the feeling. I've lost 60 pounds and 90 pounds at different times in my life only to gain it all back plus some. And feeling bitter about others being happy...I go through that too. And I've even accepted being single for the most part, but I still get those bad feelings. I don't know.
So true. I've been like this since middle school. I sleep about ten to fifteen hours a day. Recently I've been going to the gym and it's been helping me at least do something besides sleep. I hope you manage to keep doing it. At the very least, you can't nap or stay in bed while you're at the gym.
Bounceounce
Member
I'm only nineteen but I already feel memories fading/not having the same impact/feelings as they did in the past,and I'm not doing anything to create new ones.
chronic_archaic
Member
Been super depressed since I got back from visiting my boyfriend last month. I don't know if it's that or something else but I've been escaping constantly. I'm close to dropping all my classes this semester. Before school started I was using drugs just about every day but now I tend to just sleep a lot. Though that's more because I haven't had any drugs to abuse rather than choosing not to 
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