Melkezadek
Member
Not making this thread not to be shamed. I'm genuinely trying to reach out and fix this before it consumes me.
Before the 2016 elections, I lived my life giving people the benefit of the doubt. Not everyone was racist/bigoted and most people were good natured. Naive, probably, but it got me through 30 years pretty well and I feel it led me to all the success I've had thus far. Never had a problem making friends and building strong relationships. Even in Tennessee, where the culture was so different than what I was used to.
Then, over the course of 18 months, I found myself losing all my friends. Specifically my white friends. Slowly, their attitudes and stances started to change until I no longer recognized them. It was shocking and a little more than hurtful. In fact, it got so bad that I had to get help and start going to therapy. It helped a little, when it came to controlling my anger, but not much else.
Finally, the election happened and the masks had fallen away. Friends who clung to the "they're both bad" line ended up being full blown Trump supporters and starting to express some really hurtful positions that brought our friendships to aburpt ends. Honestly, I felt like everything I've ever been taught growing up about people and kindess had been turned on its head. It's been devastating.
Now, I know it's wrong to generalize. All my life I've been told to not judge a person by the color of their skin and I still believe this to be true. However, in TN, it was difficult to get over the fact that most white people I encountered in my day to day, probably voted for Trump. Obviously, not everyone who voted for him were full blown racists or bigoted. But actions have consequences and they share responsible in all the fuckery we're seeing now. I'm ashamed to admit, but because of this, I started to avoid engaging with white people to avoid knowing what they believe in altogether. Everywhere I went, I could always count on seeing a Confederate flag or some unwelcomed bumper sticker on a pickup truck. Constant reminders that I was in a lion's den, and needed to escape.
Here we are, 4 months later and I'm happy to report I'm no longer in the South. Back up here in my home state of N.Y. and it's been such a breath of fresh air. The difference in community is night and day. I would *never* see a "I love my Muslim neighbors" or "Black Lives Matter" sign down in TN. Never. I don't feel surrounded anymore, but I can't help but still feel the need to distance myself from white people. I found myself sounding like a textbook bigot, using expressions like "some of them are good people, but.." and making blanket generalizations I would hate to hear used used on black people. I try to be specific and say "white people in America" but it still sounds disgusting coming out of my mouth.
There is a lot of anger in this country right now. Justified anger. But I can't help but feel like it's taking me to a place I never thought I would be in. I don't like this genuine hatred that's fuming inside me and I'm not sure how to dispel it. Every day we're greeted with a news that only reinforces my resentment and I don't know how to curb it.
To those who are going through similar emotions, how are you dealing with it? It's hard to think of myself as a good person when I have these thoughts every day.
I would appreciate some advice on this and would like to hear if others are going through similar struggles.
Before the 2016 elections, I lived my life giving people the benefit of the doubt. Not everyone was racist/bigoted and most people were good natured. Naive, probably, but it got me through 30 years pretty well and I feel it led me to all the success I've had thus far. Never had a problem making friends and building strong relationships. Even in Tennessee, where the culture was so different than what I was used to.
Then, over the course of 18 months, I found myself losing all my friends. Specifically my white friends. Slowly, their attitudes and stances started to change until I no longer recognized them. It was shocking and a little more than hurtful. In fact, it got so bad that I had to get help and start going to therapy. It helped a little, when it came to controlling my anger, but not much else.
Finally, the election happened and the masks had fallen away. Friends who clung to the "they're both bad" line ended up being full blown Trump supporters and starting to express some really hurtful positions that brought our friendships to aburpt ends. Honestly, I felt like everything I've ever been taught growing up about people and kindess had been turned on its head. It's been devastating.
Now, I know it's wrong to generalize. All my life I've been told to not judge a person by the color of their skin and I still believe this to be true. However, in TN, it was difficult to get over the fact that most white people I encountered in my day to day, probably voted for Trump. Obviously, not everyone who voted for him were full blown racists or bigoted. But actions have consequences and they share responsible in all the fuckery we're seeing now. I'm ashamed to admit, but because of this, I started to avoid engaging with white people to avoid knowing what they believe in altogether. Everywhere I went, I could always count on seeing a Confederate flag or some unwelcomed bumper sticker on a pickup truck. Constant reminders that I was in a lion's den, and needed to escape.
Here we are, 4 months later and I'm happy to report I'm no longer in the South. Back up here in my home state of N.Y. and it's been such a breath of fresh air. The difference in community is night and day. I would *never* see a "I love my Muslim neighbors" or "Black Lives Matter" sign down in TN. Never. I don't feel surrounded anymore, but I can't help but still feel the need to distance myself from white people. I found myself sounding like a textbook bigot, using expressions like "some of them are good people, but.." and making blanket generalizations I would hate to hear used used on black people. I try to be specific and say "white people in America" but it still sounds disgusting coming out of my mouth.
There is a lot of anger in this country right now. Justified anger. But I can't help but feel like it's taking me to a place I never thought I would be in. I don't like this genuine hatred that's fuming inside me and I'm not sure how to dispel it. Every day we're greeted with a news that only reinforces my resentment and I don't know how to curb it.
To those who are going through similar emotions, how are you dealing with it? It's hard to think of myself as a good person when I have these thoughts every day.
I would appreciate some advice on this and would like to hear if others are going through similar struggles.