Support NeoGAF

[WeAreStarStuff]

Edit:**Thread updated at post 159**

I've been with my fiancé for about two and a half years, but have never met her parents because they are racist. Ironically her parents' marriage is one that is interracial and of immigration. Her mother is from Peru and her father is from Poland, but I'm black (which is just the worst of course.) I've met plenty of her other family members and they have all been great. It used to not bother me that much, but it is embarrassing when I have to explain to people why I've never met her parents. I've never even talked to them on the phone before; they literally want nothing to do with me and don't even want to acknowledge that I exist. The only time they ever asked my fiancé about me was when my father was dying (he died young and unexpectedly.) I come from an upper-middle class background, am well educated, and was making six figures by the time I hit 30, but none of this matters to them as they just assume the worst about me, and can't get over how she's shaming herself and their family. I've been to Peru, and it is weird how they worship fairer skin there. My fiancé's mom looks very Spanish, but you can't really tell with my fiancé, and her mom absolutely loves that about her. Here is our most recent picture for reference:

Has anyone ever dealt with anything like this? I literally may never meet her parents. She's met dozens of members of my family and they all love her.

 

[bggrthnjsus]

their loss dude

 

[The Jackdog]

I mean ive never been in a rush to meet a girls parents, but ive always considered a sign of "shes serious about you"

HOWEVER, the circumstances here seem wildly different.

i would think being faced with never being a part of their daughters life vs holding on to pretty fucking dumb ideals would make it a quick decision but racists gonna racist

Either way, how important is it to you? do you need to meet them? how important is it to her?

 

[Holmes]

Sorry to hear that. I'm in an interracial relationship too. My in-laws are actually from Peru and they're great.

 

[BronsonLee]

I've been with my fiancé for about two and a half years,

I mean you should probably meet them ma-

but have never met her parents because they are racist.

Oh never mind

 

[jon bones]

sorry to hear that, i feel extremely lucky about my in-laws

 

[Gai Murakumo]

Depends on how important it feels for your Fiance that you meet her parents. If she agrees with you that her parents are acting negatively to you thus you do not have to meet them then good. I truly do not get some parents or families that ostracize or shun other members of their family or future family because of race, ethnicity, sexual orientation etc. If it is really important to you that you meet her parents I wish you good luck in that regard. I hope it works out for you in some way in the end.

 

[DRock]

Don't really have experience here, but based on what you wrote it seems you are both getting on just fine without their blessing.

Plus you guys are a cute couple. Congrats.

 

[always crazy bacon]

You could try forcing a meeting to show them you're not a negative stereotype. A friend of mine is in a mixed relationship and her father was racist. The women in the family convinced him to change his views and now he gets along well.

 

[Pinko Marx]

Fuck 'em. Sounds like you ain't missing much.

 

[Omegasquash]

I'm really sorry to hear that, OP. That's really unfortunate for you, and I don't think it's a stretch to say that your fiance is struggling with it too.

I hope that they come around, but first and foremost, know that you're a good person, will make a fantastic husband, and prospectively (apologies for the assumption on your future plans) will make a great father. The only think holding her parents back is their own ridiculous stance.

Continue on, and love the woman you're with. Which you will. Feel free to vent on GAF any time. You WILL have support.

 

[NeonBlack]

So are they just gonna not see their grandchildren if they turn out to be on the darker side?

As others have said, their loss.

 

[Sai-kun]

My girlfriend's parents are muslim, and so is she, but I'm not, so I don't think I'll ever be invited to have a nice sit down dinner with them 👀 It's the same thing with my family as yours though, they all ask how she's doing all the time, and they all love having her around. We've been together almost 4 years now.

I think it's just something we learn to accept. It's nice to be on good terms with people, but do you really want racists in your life just because they're the parents of your partner? I'm thankful to have a big and loving family, so although I would love to have a friendship with her parents, I can accept that it's their problem to get over, not mine, and there isn't a whole lot I can do aside from being grateful for the family I do have.

 

[sixteen-bit]

Their loss.

 

[GulAtiCa]

Their loss. You two look cute together. It's a shame some people are stuck that way. But, take this opportunity to form your own happy family away from them.

 

[KoopaTheCasual]

You two are absolutely beautiful together (real talk). Anyone who sees that picture of you guys together and feels anything other than warmth is a horrible human being. Point blank.

I've never had to deal with toxic members of my SO's family, but I have cut out toxic people from my own family. When you talk about it, it sounds fucking weird, but its much more healthy to just not have them in your life, regardless of how awkward/embarrassing it can initially be.

 

[digitalrelic]

Maybe it's for the best that you haven't met them.

In all seriousness, though, while I understand how you feel, just try to remember that there's nothing embarrassing on your end about the situation. You're not the racist piece of shit. They are. They should be ashamed of themselves & you should take pride & be confident with the fact that you're better than that. I know it's easier said than done though.

 

[Zaru]

It's "funny" how I only needed to see your picture to guess why you haven't met them

 

[thesoapster]

Totally fucked up. You're a good-looking couple. I hope you both stay happy together. How does your fiancee feel about it? That's gotta be one hell of an internal conflict.

 

[Glendemonium]

This scares me more than anything if I'm getting ready to tie the knot, and I'm much lighter than the OP. My sister gets the cold shoulder from her father in law.

Hell, my dating phase years ago I'd get dirty looks when eating out or in social events.

Maybe it's for the best, man good luck and congrats!

 

[FreezeSSC]

Shame, if you two have kids I bet their tune changes, but they dont deserve that child in their lives.

 

[Spaced Harrier]

Apparently my gfs father is pretty racist. Would hate to think that she was with a "white" guy.

Then again according to her he thinks she's a virgin. She's 30. I think it's just an element of wilfully deluding himself, I'm sure he realises that she is an adult woman and in a white country ultimately even sub-consciously.

Sucks for you man but your probably better off, though if your never met them even once I wonder if it would change had they met you.

Interesting that you talk of them as mixed race for Polish/Spanish from a European POV that wouldn't been see as mixed race, maybe that's how the father views it and doesn't see it as hypocritical. Either way it's all a load of nonsense.

 

[EchoChamber]

You look like the counselor dude from 13 reasons why.

 

[Jeronimo Jones]

I have no experience with this, but I say as long as you two are happy, you have what you need. Congrats, my fiancée and I are getting married this summer.

 

[mullet2000]

I know that feeling OP. I dated a girl for 3 1/2 years without ever meeting my ex's parents because they didn't want her dating anyone who wasn't Chinese.

 

[DarthMasta]

Assuming you're interested in giving them grandchildren you might get to meet them then. No idea if that'll be good though...

 

[Patrick Bateman]

I've been with my fiancé for about two and a half years, but have never met her parents because they are racist. Ironically her parents' marriage is one that is interracial and of immigration. Her mother is from Peru and her father is from Poland, but I'm black (which is just the worst of course.) I've met plenty of her other family members and they have all been great. It used to not bother me that much, but it is embarrassing when I have to explain to people why I've never met her parents. I've never even talked to them on the phone before; they literally want nothing to do with me and don't even want to acknowledge that I exist. The only time they ever asked my fiancé about me was when my father was dying (he died young and unexpectedly.) I come from an upper-middle class background, am well educated, and was making six figures by the time I hit 30, but none of this matters to them as they just assume the worst about me, and can't get over how she's shaming herself and their family. I've been to Peru, and it is weird how they worship fairer skin there. My fiancé's mom looks very Spanish, but you can't really tell with my fiancé, and her mom absolutely loves that about her. Here is our most recent picture for reference:



Has anyone ever dealt with anything like this? I literally may never meet her parents. She's met dozens of members of my family and they all love her.

You look like a great couple.
And to be totally blunt about your parents in law: Fuck them. If you're open and want to meet them, but they are racist douchebags it's nothing you can change.
If at all, I'd say your fiancé should seek contact with them, tell them like it is (that you want to marry, that you want to meet them) and that's about it. If they say no, it's not your fault.

 

[Wandering Robot]

I'd say you don't have to meet them, so long as they behaving this way. You don't have to be embarrassed by their behavior; I just hope you and your fiancée are getting along all right in spite of it.

Plus you guys are a cute couple. Congrats.

 

[RM8]

Holy cow. This is so beyond my comprehension, it must be very painful for your fiancé too. Knowing people who she loves are unarguably bad, discriminatory people.

 

[Infinite_Daremo]

Im in a similar position although were both the same skin colour. My GF's mother met me once and was permanently difficult with her doing anything with me for 10 years. The strange part is they gifted us some money towards our first home purchase and yet i've still never seen or heard from them. They even came to view the house at a time I wasn't in.

Everyone saying fuck them/its their loss. Its not that simple. The entire ordeal will upset his partner. They're still her parents and anything they say will always upset her. Family gathering will stress her out. Future plans like a wedding and children will bother her too.

Its a shitty situation OP and one I doubt you can change but you just gotta be there for her when her family do something shitty.

 

[Takuan]

Your fiancée seems okay with it, so it ain't no thang. Their hate is on them, not you.

 

[NandoGip]

That sucks bro, some times life hands you shit cards. Im brown and I had to come to terms that my skin color can't be changed and there will be difficult situations that I can't allow to affect me. If they're such shitty people to not meet you over something meaningless like that, it's probably for the best that they're not in your life.

Imagine if you they were only secretly racist instead of outwardly. That would be an even worse situation. At the end of the day you still got the girl, and you're living your best life. That is the ultimate win in my book, I would chalk this up as a success story against racist matter of fact.

 

[FreeMufasa]

Don't meet them. They'll either spew racist shit to you, have you magically become 'the good one' and spew crap about black people or they'll one day throw in some subtle shit when they take care of the grandkids.

Yall good. Hopefully they continue to not wanna meet so you don't have to tell your gf you don't wanna see them

 

[Pankratous]

but it is embarrassing when I have to explain to people why I've never met her parent

Embarrassing for them, not you.

 

[Zakalwe]

You get to avoid having to put up with her parents on visits/events, etc... they sound like horrible people anyway, so the fact they deny you this is probably a blessing in disguise.

It's horrible, though. My ex's father wouldn't meet me because I wasn't Muslim. Even without the added racial stuff it wasn't a pleasant experience. I feel you, OP.

 

[Random Painted HIghway]

Op it is weird but you make do. I haven't met my wife's father and we've been married almost 14 years and together 17, 2 kids. Never got a great answer on why but it isn't a big deal to me. I think it's emberassment of country bumpkinish relatives, we are highly successful and highly educated and she worked super hard to get out of that place. Could be something worse that is just buried deep.

Good luck op you can be ok with this.

 

[johancruijff]

i say fuck'em

they didn't come to your marriage?

 

[Charles Brandon]

What are they going to do if and when you have kids? Sometimes this has a positive effect on these sorts of situations. How would you feel about letting them into your life?

 

[Big Baybee]

Don't meet them. They'll either spew racist shit to you, have you magically become 'the good one' and spew crap about black people or they'll one day throw in some subtle shit when they take care of the grandkids.

Yall good. Hopefully they continue to not wanna meet so you don't have to tell your gf you don't wanna see them

I'm feelin this advice the most. Fuck em. You don't need them in you or your potential kids lives.

 

[old manatee]

It's cool that she didn't buckle under their pressure, and that she doesn't make you deal with them. You guys make a cute couple.

 

[dskillzhtown]

It is possible that they have never really met a black person and actually had a conversation with them. Just meeting and talking to someone can have a life-altering effect. So if they are open to it (which it does not seem they are), I would suggest a lunch or some crap. Go to a family event that you know they will be at and interact with the other family members. Maybe it will break the ice or something.

The thing is this will become an issue at some point. The older they get, the more they may depend on your fiance. You don't want a situation where she feels like she needs to choose between you or them. Even if they continue to believe you are a "Black Devil", you all need to come to some kind of arrangement. It is easy to say, "Fuck them", but those are her parents. They aren't going anywhere, especially if you guys are going to maintain a relationship with the rest of the family. Someone has to make an attempt. If it fails, it fails. I just think you need to try for the sake of everyone. It could be an ultimate failure, but atleast you tried.

I was in a similar situation, but not to that degree. Once I started hanging around the family more, alot of the prejudices started disappearing and the family was a lot more accepting and welcoming. Hell, one of the cousins ended up marrying a black girl a couple of years afterwards. It's really weird when you start to understand that racist attitudes many times come from not really connecting with people unlike yourself and your knowledge comes from negative stereotypes and you look to enforce them with any source you can find. You start to think those negative examples or the norm, not the exception which they always are.

 

[demosthenes]

Don't really have experience here, but based on what you wrote it seems you are both getting on just fine without their blessing.

Plus you guys are a cute couple. Congrats.

Quoting for agreement. Sorry you have to deal with that shit.

 

[WeAreStarStuff]

Thanks for the well wishes; I definitely feel lucky to be with her. To answer a few of the questions/points made.

~Neither her nor her brother get along well with her parents. Her parents are basically the black sheep of the family, and our shunned by pretty much the rest of her entire family. We're not sure if they are developing issues as they get older, but they pretty much sit at home all day with no other company but their own, and complain about everything. From the stories I hear they really do sound like awful people. When they were yelling at her about our engagement, her brother told them they were both the most bitter people he knew. Ironically, before marrying my fiance's father, her mother was dating a black man for a very long time. They almost got married, but the relationship ended and she sent him letters for years afterwards. He went on to become one of the most successful surgeons in the country. My fiance brought this point up, and her mother was basically like thank goodness I didn't end up marrying him - which leads me to believe that she's been influenced significantly by her husband (who's family fled from Nazis to the US.)

~Neither my fiance nor I want children. DINK life please.

~I would like to meet her parents, but they do truly sound like awful people so I know its not a truly great loss on my part. They are the type of racist that will be amiable to black people, but all hell breaks out if one wants to soil their daughter. It does bother my fiance some, but I think she's just gotten use to it now. She barely sees them, and usually when she does the experience is almost always negative (even when I'm not a topic of discussion.)

 

[Steeped in a Sea of Games]

I wish I never had to see my in-laws. Sometimes you just don't know how good you have it.

 

[Slaythe]

was making six figures by the time I hit 30

What's your job T.T ? Are you hiring ?

As for your problem, I had a friend who went through this, things got better after they had their first child.

It's pretty rough, I think as long as your fiancée is fine with it, you shouldn't let that bother you. What matters is that she is happy and that you're happy. You'll have a family with her. Hopefully things get better, if not, don't stress it.

 

[sixteen-bit]

i say fuck'em

they didn't come to your marriage?

they're engaged, not married yet

 

[Yado]

Don't let these people go anywhere near your kids if you have any.

 

[BobNewbert31]

As others have said, fuck 'em. You don't need them in your life and if you end up having kids, they are not owed a relationship with their grandchildren.

 

[Aeana]

I think it's quite an oversimplification to say "their loss." I think it's important to remember that these are her parents and unless she also absolutely despises them, it could become an issue at any point. She could get frustrated with never being able to see them, and could lash out at the wrong person (you). This is a very difficult situation to be in for both you and her; I hope it can eventually be resolved in a way that doesn't lead to resentment by someone.

 

[Dahellisdat]

Are they not going to come to your wedding even OP?