[vis_name][/vis_name] abandon all hope, you who enters here!
What is the NeoGAF Unkindness Club?
The NeoGAF Unkindness Club aims to provide its elusive members the most depraved, wretched and vile gaming experiences known to man. In this club, we only play the bad games summoned from the lowest circles of hell, so be advised. Only the most masochistic and sadistic of souls are allowed to enter. Are you daring enough to stare into the abyss only to tell us about the unspeakable horrors you've encountered?
How to participate?
If you're brave enough to participate all you need to do is the following:
1. Let us know in this thread and you'll receive a free Steam Gift or game code over PM by one of the Club's members.
2. After receiving the code, you must update your reply to let us know that the code has been successfully redeemed.
3. You must play the game for at least 20 minutes.
4. After you've played the game, you must come back to this thread and tell us of your horrific experiences (preferably with a couple of screenshots), so that the other members of the NeoGAF Unkindness Club can feast upon your delicious despair.
What's in it for me?
A free game (although one that you likely won't ever play again) and a permanent place in the NeoGAF Unkindness Club Hall of Fame where the unspeakable tales of your bravery will be chronicled for all eternity.
How can I help?
Either by participating, proposing a game to me via PM or by donating game codes to willing participants.
In order to start things off, I've got 5 codes from the most wretched and hellish depths of Steam. To the first 5 souls daring enough to accept the challenge, please let us know in this thread and send me a PM. Since Steam only allows gifting for people in the friends list, you need to shortly add me until the gifting is completed.
Edit 1: Sweet sweet suffering seems to be in high demand, so I'll keep providing some more games. Hit me up, if you dare...
This is an interesting thread idea, good job op. For bonus suffering points participants should stream their game plays and riff the games MST3K style.
Xbox gamers, go to the Creators Club section of the marketplace. Choose any of those free games from the beginning (oldest ones). Download all 10 of them and try them out.
I guarantee you'll delete all of them within half an hour..... although Thetaball isn't too bad for an indie game.
Okay, so this shitty game was particularly shitty, as I was literally playing as an ass that was only capable of emitting... um, well, vast amounts of shit. The cheeks are incredibly plump, with wild jiggle physics.
Sometimes the shit is bloody. Sometimes it's translucent and watery. Sometimes it splashes everywhere, covering the walls and knocking objects over, and sometimes it clips through everything. Sometimes I can dump like a machine gun and sometimes it just doesn't wanna come out so much. It really is an ungodly amount of excrement.
There's no pausing, the mouse still controls the camera while in the escape menu, and the game's actually heating up my CPU more than The Witcher 3, which is just absurd.
There's a crazy depth of field effect that prevents me from seeing anything clearly other than the plump ass I'm controlling.
I think robots and clowns from "the forest" want to eliminate the ass to "save the world," as they're putting it? Look, the story doesn't make much sense. I've got allies too, but I don't know who they are. I'm typing this in confusion right now, because currently I'm not even the ass, I think I'm this old woman from earlier, and I'm feeding tiny people ("gribbles" actually, like tiny goblin-people?) to a baby with a humongous head as it cries an impossible waterfall of tears. The gribbles are cursing at me too OH GOD ONE'S LEG JUST STRETCHED ACROSS THE ENTIRE ROOM.
oh god it's just letting the bones fall out of its mouth after it eats them
I'm cooking them alive by the way, nevermind, my head literally just exploded and I'm onto the next level. Pirate ship filled with grotesque creatures, including large gribbles. I'm the ass again and I can actually move around on this level, and performance is awful. I'm told I'm a mutant gribble. Trying to make sense of this blurry-ass environment. This DOF effect applies at both the highest and the lowest settings, that's just how this game looks.
If the game were less blurry and the performance a bit better, and maybe if the game wasn't about... shitting... I think I might really dig the sheer absurdity on display. The pirate ship led me to a sewer where I'm shitting to push an extremely fat blobby... man-thing. He's made it very clear that it's his birthday and that he expects me to give him cake.
Well, this variable framerate's fuckin with my head, and I'm long past 20 minutes now. I... don't regret the time I spent? Here's a screenshot of me feeding the monster baby. It doesn't look too blurry, maybe it's blurriest when the camera's got the ass to focus on.
I'm sure the story would've pivoted endlessly as I kept playing, and tbh I don't think I'd mind it. The worst part of the game is how headache-inducing its performance and visuals can be.
And so was my adventire in A Dump in the Dark. Thank you.
Okay, so this shitty game was particularly shitty, as I was literally playing as an ass that was only capable of emitting... um, well, vast amounts of shit. The cheeks are incredibly plump, with wild jiggle physics.
Thank you, brave soul, for venturing forth and facing the unspeakable demons that lurk in the shadows deep below the horrific underbelly of Steam. Your recollections have provided us with delicious sadistic delights and your deeds will forever be chronicled in our Hall of Fame.
Might be a pretty image heavy post depending on how many screenshots I've actually managed to take, so beware. I also think I might need Christian Gaf's help deciphering this.
I've returned from the depths of Steam Hell with Uriel's Chasm. Look at this wonderful cover art.
Apparently this is a game that these two lovely lasses that call themselves The Shovelware Queens found "somewhere" and decided to sell it. I don't know why they didn't even bother to adjust the camera to fit both of them, so you'll have to deal with the half-face redhead.
They could've at least bothered to put an option menu. Pressing ESC at any time returns you to the Loading screen and forces you to go through the main 4-5 min of unskippable cutscene. I found out the hard way. The game also didn't allow me to press F12 to take a Steam Screenshot so I had to resort good old paint (WHICH IS HARD WHEN YOU DON'T HAVE A PAUSE BUTTON) But that's fine! The game has Steam trade cards so they can have a passive income from this game.
Speaking of the main cutscene. It's complete bonkers. I have no idea what it's talking about other than some mouth and teeth and Bible stuff.
So let's get into the actual game shall we? The first level is a vertical Shoot'Em Up(?) (although that's probably a disgrace to all shmups ever created). The controls are as stiff as you could possibly imagine. I get dropped inputs every 2-3 seconds, the ship loses all momentum every time you press a different key and because of these it's almost impossible to actually fight any other ship straight on without taking damage.
Faith is your health but also your winning condition. Like the text explains it "Your faith value must be higher than Garden to win". You get faith by picking up Bible fragments that are found inside asteroids. You also have limited fuel and ammo (DMT). I've tried doing what everyone else would do, go around shooting asteroid and destroying ships while reading the Bible. Except I ran out of DMT. So this is where I stopped playing.
Nah, I'm kidding, I actually found out that you gain Faith passively so I just lamed it out and stayed in one place while avoiding the giant JPEG teeth monster that is reused from the third screenshot. The ships don't actually come to attack you, they just chill out in the corner of the maps until you get close to them.
The Second level is a horizontal shooter. You control this lady with a big fat rocket on her behind(I couldn't get it in a screenshot) while dodging bullets from original monsters such as white crosses and generic space ships. You can only take damage if you get hit on the red cross so I guess they manage to combine Shmup mechanics with the theme. YAY.
You get three hearts but you get no i-frames after getting hit so you can get melted by a barrage of bullets. Which is fitting because the game likes to throw bullets everywhere while having these platforms that some of the enemies stand on so you can have even less space on the screen.
I managed to get to the boss of the level multiple times but didn't have the health or the skills to defeat it. I don't know if it's supposed to be God or whatever and at this point I couldn't care. Let philosophers worry about that.
I managed to get to the boss of the level multiple times but didn't have the health or the skills to defeat it. I don't know if it's supposed to be God or whatever and at this point I couldn't care. Let philosophers worry about that.
Arrrgh this sounds like a lot of fun but alas I don’t have steam or even a desktop/laptop for gaming currently. It would be awesome if there was some easy/free way to do this on XBL/PSN.
Alright, so the game I was given was Diner Date. Graphics were kinda cool and reminded me of We Happy Few a little. That being said past that point this "game" has nothing to offer to anyone as far as I can tell. The movements of the hand during the tutorial aren't even the movements that you are doing in the game. And the narration was dull and lifeless with no real sense of plot. Honestly i'm shocked anyone actually decided to give this boring boring person a date to be stood up for. Also played the game from start to credits only took me 18 minutes so......Disqualification?
I'm not even sure what type of game this is, maybe a weird exploration game, everything from the start menù to the simple terrain is glitched but looks like it was made like this on purpose.
The object of the game is to find some jewels that are placed all around a sequence of rooms all connected to an hub.
The Hub is your garden....oh yes I forgot, you are a Kitten, a flying glitchy Kitten, and from there you gain acces to other places that are as weird as possible, going from spaceships, to cities, and the some glitchy places that I don't really know how to describe, just check the pictures.
To be honest ... it was kinda fun, I mean it was weird but after a while it started to make sense, or at least I started to realize that almost everything was made for a reason, even clipping away from the map revealed an arrow in the distance that pointed a glitched terrain, followed it and actually there was a path, I followed it and I found an anime girl that glitched again half of my screen.. it was interesting.
Too bad I hade to stop playing cause the camera movement and the FOV were making me puke. I'll try it again tomorrow^^
No disqualification if you finished the game in under 20 minutes. Although it would be appreciated if you could maybe give us some more information about the game and how you felt playing it. So that we can satiate our sadistic desire for sweet suffering... uhm, I mean for scientific purposes (and so that I can induce you to our Hall of Fame).
My god, those screenshots. So this is what kitten hell looks like in 140 fps. The fact that you want to return to this game is truly a testament to your masochistic soul, excellent! Your deeds have been chronicled in the Hall of Fame, thank you for participating.
*inhales air* ahhh.. The smell of torment and despair.. Why wasn't this done earlier? I have a library of over 600 games where I'd say half of them got shoved down my throat by humble bundle.. I'd love to someone dare me play the bad and the ugly games! I feel like I'm going to spend a lot of time on here. I'm even going to write a review on it if you want. Here's my steam profile. Come at me.
Edit: Received, working on overcoming suicidal thoughts writing the review.
I recorded my first 25 minutes with this game and have documented the progress and thoughts below it. Hope you enjoy.
0-3m
I have landed on this strange beach. The first thing that has struck in this game me is the lack of authenticity. This is a crab game yet I can walk forward and run at a fair rate of knots. Soundtrack is vibrant and 'islandy'. Cell shading looks nice. Character models are a little generic. I speak unto local anime boy, he needs a thing, I am trying to conquer the fortress her is guarding. Forcefields and invisible barriers prevent me from walking under objects. I go back and attack the guy to see if that will make him move. Wave to pretty trapped princess. My eyes are on stalks gawping at her.
3-6m
Life is too short. I'm off to explore. Find local witch in green. Pinch her. Find another local anime female in black. She must be a contortionist, the way she is sitting and her limbs are at harsh angles. Freaks me the fuck out, so I dash off to grab a cola (apparently). Press 'pause' - no controls listed?!?! Head back waving to local hottie. Find a local castle with doomsday book. Pick it up as it might be worth something. Girl from earlier side eyes me wary of my massive claws. Find possible future home
7-10m
Local anime guy does not like the book I brought him. Refuses to move. I think I have figured out he wants me to bring him 'something' before moving his fat ass. I am searching for a snorkel or mouth apparatus based on the clue I think. I cant be arsed with this so try to break in the back door solid snake style. The invisi-barriers are still in place. Neo has left his sunglasses, perhaps I can be the 'One'.
Errr, wtf, these girls might look petite but dayyyyyum they must have heavy skeletons. One just crushed my ass. I have respawned though, the sunglasses have worked. Now to find Morpheus. First I need my Nokia which is conveniently in claws reach. Have entered a rubber ring trap set by Agents - shit Trinity, I need a way out!!! That matrix has me....Respawn again
10-13m
Honestly, this guy is an asshole. His legs can cover twice the distance of mine - in half the time, I've tried giving him like three items and he still won't let me in. Fuck it, I'm gonna search like crazy now. Still searching for a snorkel or mask at this point - Stepped on again ffs!!! Different tactic - has he left it in the water? Nope, because water is an impassable barrier in this game; to me, a crab. Yep, that's right. I'm going to stay on the edge to avoid those massive Alice the Goon feet. Already tried the book. Woah! found a massive camera. Looks like the one that sent Mike TV across the room!!
13-16m
Still wandering around. Getting bored now. Found what looks like a NES game. Dodging these assholes like a pro now in bullet time. The agents are getting worse, there is only one female 'Smith' Agent in different wigs. Have walked entire beach and cannot see snorkel or mask, so think I'm just going to try any random item now. Maybe a flashlight will help him see underwater - sounds logical.........Nope. Guy nearly steps on me, shake my fist at him.
16-20m
Fuck this, I saw The Two Towers, I'm gonna storm this Helm's Deep style. Oh my gawd, it's hopeless. I don;t know why I have two arrows either or why one seems to just always point in a random direction. Let's see if Edward Snowden's USB drive moves this asshole. Nope. This beach seems long. Also why are there no dogs on it? Or seagulls. Or dead jellyfish. Let's try the book again, get a screencap for the thread of charming young lady. Has better feet than Bioshock Infinite which is good.
20-24m
Just grabbing each item one by one now and seeing which one unlocks it. I have no fucking idea what the guy wants. Half these objects make no sense. Game lost its charm and fun. I understand what I have to do, the cryptic clue is basically worthless as I've seen no item that he would need for an underwater adventure. Let's see if a Coke gets him to move - carb loading. OK, no. Going to have a rest, trying to google a walkthrough at this stage because I'd like to at least get past the first part for the GAF thread. Found a vid and apparently, it's the NES game he needs, which may be a Betamax video? I stand by my case - this makes no sense. Mouth apparatus makes sense. Anyway, off I sprint to retrieve the NES game. Heavy ass game, must have walked this beach 50 times, pedometer is worn the fuck out. And the guy refuses it. Well ain't you an asshole. Try to barge past again multiple times. Lose my shit, this guy is going down. Savage his locks. Had enough. Quitting.
Not sure why the YT vid has stuttering. Not an expert on this sadly.
You failed as a stalker crab, but you truly are a master chronicler. The stuttering only makes the video better, knowing full well that other souls will be suffering through it. Thank you for this detailed recollection of your crabalicious adventures, it fulfilled my need for human despair immensely. Your deeds have been chronicled in the Hall of Fame and may you forever be allowed to walk forward.
No disqualification if you finished the game in under 20 minutes. Although it would be appreciated if you could maybe give us some more information about the game and how you felt playing it. So that we can satiate our sadistic desire for sweet suffering... uhm, I mean for scientific purposes (and so that I can induce you to our Hall of Fame)..
This game felt like a R/Niceguys emulator. It was literally just this random guy complaining about getting stood up for a date and how he hasn't had sex in a while. My wife was sitting next to me while playing and we both celebrated when we were allowed to stand from the table after 13 minutes but only to realize we just got to walk to the window to smoke a cigarette and listen some more about how sad the guy was and how he just wanted to have sex.
This game felt like a R/Niceguys emulator. It was literally just this random guy complaining about getting stood up for a date and how he hasn't had sex in a while. My wife was sitting next to me while playing and we both celebrated when we were allowed to stand from the table after 13 minutes but only to realize we just got to walk to the window to smoke a cigarette and listen some more about how sad the guy was and how he just wanted to have sex.
I've played 22 minutes so far.
The game is a lot like WarioWare but less fun.
It's supposed to be funny, i guess, since it uses pixelated silhouettes of sex positions, acts, etc.
Here is an example, that should be safe for work.
The above image is on screen for 5 seconds, that's how long you have to figure out what to do for each scene. Scenes are in a random order, and you need to pay attention to the word that flashes just before the scene. Some scenes look the same, but have different objectives. For instance, STRIP, you hold the down arrow and the panties come off. TEASE, you tap the down arrow so the panties come down but not off.
Controls are the 4 arrow keys on your keyboard. So for this instance, TICKLING, each arrow key tickles different parts of the person. The faster you press the keys the stronger the tickle. Once you get the magic spot you win the scene and gain 1 point.
There were a few I just couldn't figure out, which is why my highest score was only 16. Once I hit 15(?) the game speeds up a little.
In the above image you FLEX, these are more fun since you click the arrow key that shows on the screen. In this instance there were 4 arrow keys in a particular order. Each one does a pose, get through them all in the allotted time and win a point.
I don't know if it changes up much more after playing it as long as I did, and I'm not sure if the game is winnable, possibly by not purchasing it?
I didn't rage quit or anything, so getting 15+ points isn't too difficult just repetitive, even with the randomness. There is a small bit of addiction here for people that are into games like this, I mean Wario Ware, not rotoscoped pixelated porno.
Anyway, the game might be funny to send someone as a gag gift on steam or something.
Or, if you had a time machine and sent it to some kid in the late 80s, early 90s.
This went kinda long and blew past the 20 minute minimum, so please enjoy my screenshot LP of Shark Dating Simulator XL.
Maybe it's not too late to back out... All I have to do is PM Strange, I'm sure they're a reasonable sort. Right? Everything will be f-
Okay, relax, chill, you've vicariously witnessed the entirety of Hatoful Boyfriend via internet video streaming. You can do this.
First things first however- since I'm playing on the Personal Computer platform...
For this run we're going to be rocking FULLSCREEN x FULLSCREEN at 144Hz with gsync, so vsync obviously needs to be turned off.
With that out of the way, let's begin.
We begin in media res with our first encounter. This is Marina, erstwhile boss of the main character and qualified Genuine Fish Scientist. When it said 'shark dating simulator' I thought it would be more literal than this..?
She opens the conversation by shouting at me to get on with a job that I've yet to be told about.
She seems mean and thus far I have no real stake, so I don't feel too bad about it
The conversation continues and it transpires that talking fish have been reported in the area.
Anyway, it's our (my) job to figure out what's going on, so it's time to hop into the blue and have a look around.
OH NO IT WAS LITERAL AFTER ALL WHO COULD HAVE SEEN THIS COMING?
I... think this is what's supposed to happen? I haven't been bitten yet, so I guess it must be. I just hope sharks don't use social media. The shark tells me to sling my hook, and I do.
Back to the boat for another chat with Marina, she flatly ignores my mention of the shark and starts an argument about her fake boobs rendering her unable to swim due to their buoyancy.
Fast-forward to my character thinking about life while led in bed, and it's back down into the ocean the next day for some more sleuthing.
(I think he might be my favourite character so far.)
I decide to throw caution to the wind and head straight back to the sunken ship. You have to be direct and confident when solving mysteries like this!
OH I DARE
It appears that the game is awarding me metal balls for doing ballsy things, as you can see by the counter in the top-right. I wonder what this could be leading up to?
The conversation with shark-chan continues.
I somehow bumble my way into a date the next day, so it's time to head back to the boat and psyche myself up for the big event.
Fast forward to the next day, and I'm at an underwater restaurant with shark-chan.
I like him.
Well, if I do say so myself...
Shark-chan finishes devouring it, and the discussion turns to why the area is populated by talking fish and sharks with cute little bows.
It turns out that she used to be a human Genuine Fish Scientist herself, and was working on a potion to turn humans into fish and fish into humans.
Unsurprisingly, her boat sank and the potion diluted into the local water, causing the local sealife to develop human-like intelligence without fully transforming.
This is of course completely ridiculous, but at this point I'm in too deep (haw haw, geddit?) to deny my unkindness club peers a conclusive set of research findings, so I press on.
She goes on to reveal that the antidote is still in the ship, ready to be used just as soon as someone with opposable thumbs can unscrew the lid. Well then, there's no time to lose!
Note: Spoilered content becomes mildly NSFW from here on out. No full nudity, but probably enough for your boss to give you some side-eye and a talking to.
We return to the ship.
schwing, flash, etc.
...
...
Monster girls AND honorifics? I want off this wild ride... But the eject button, it does nothing!
At this point a family member who this would take altogether too long to explain to walked into the room, prompting a hasty credibility-saving alt+f4 until the coast was clear.
Having turned her back into a loosely-defined human, it's time to head back up to the beach on account of shark-chan no longer being able to breathe underwater indefinitely.
Yep, turn on the porn music and...
Indeed, the metal balls awarded for ballsy action are back.
Well, shit.
Psyche! The game goes on to award bonus balls for various dialogue choices such as bopping her on the nose and ordering red wine at dinner. I ended up with 34, which seems like a lot by anatomical standards as we understand them.
Like Rowdy Roddy Piper donning the shades in cult classic They Live, the truth of the world is laid bare to see. Gaze upon it and despair.
Only one question remains. How do I score these points?
It turns out that 34 balls is more than enough to hit 180 points. You get to see boobs, front bottom, and then everything at once (with tasteful macro-block censoring, of course).
I'll leave that up to your imagination though, because I don't want to get banned for posting the last three images
After that, you engage in a bit of pillow talk before heading back to the boat.
Marina ignores and shouts at you one last time before resolving to keep you on payroll until the mystery is solved, leaving your character free to make bank secretly boinking a shark girl for the foreseeable future. Happy ending, the credits roll.
Whoof, what a trip I hope you enjoyed this journey into the deep as much as I enjoyed suffering through it. If you did, be sure to obliterate that like button from orbit, leave a comment, and subscribe to the litany of social media accounts that don't exist because this is a comedy bit.
In the meantime, I'm off to watch The Shape of Water in an attempt to come to terms with the things that I've seen here today. Thank you strange headache
and the rest of the unkindness club for this eye-opening experience. Goodnight.
In the meantime, I'm off to watch The Shape of Water in an attempt to come to terms with the things that I've seen here today. Thank you strange headache
and the rest of the unkindness club for this eye-opening experience. Goodnight.
Excellent write-up, you truly went above and beyond the call of duty, maybe... you even... liked it? In any case, the Unkindness Club are glad they could fulfill your latest fetish fantasies. We have chronicled your zoophilic deeds in our Hall of Fameand put a secure lid on our aquarium.
