-
Hey, guest user. Hope you're enjoying NeoGAF! Have you considered registering for an account? Come join us and add your take to the daily discourse.
NeoGAF Unkindness Club
- Thread starter strange headache
- Start date
Kadayi
Banned
J-Roderton
Member
Probably a bit of both
Kadayi
Banned
PhoenixTank
Member
If it were a standalone game, I'd suggest Big the Cat's storyline in Sonic Adventure as a good fit for this thread. Not traditional shovelware, but it is pain and self-loathing alllll the way down.
strange headache
Banned
My fellow Gaffers, let this be a lesson to never accept gifts from strangers on the internet. An unkind member of this elusive club gifted me a game, so mind-numbingly dumb, I think I've lost a few IQ points in the process of playing this.
So I received my package from the NeoGAF Unkindness Club and at first I thought it wouldn't be that bad. The game I received was titled:
I mean sure, judging by that title alone you know it's gonna be bad, but at least you'll have a few animu tiddies to soften the blow. As we all know, no matter how harsh life is punishing you, no matter how much the tides of destiny rock your boat, you'll always find comfort in a blissful pair of succulent breasts.
At the very least, I can thaw a few hotties with my sexist male gaze while peeping on them through a keyhole Miroslav Tichý style. Who wouldn't want to endanger his mental health for that golden opportunity amirite?
So I downloaded the game, booted it up and went to the settings menu:
You know it's gonna be bad when the only things you can tweak are the sound effects and the background music. Unfortunately for me, this meant that I had to play the game full frontal fullscreen meaning that the game requested my undivided attention. Well alright then, anticipating the things to come I went to get my lube, prepared my cum closet and clicked play.
I was greeted with a list of "frozen hotties" seductively inviting me to grace their delightful anime bodies with my male gaze:
To my deepest disappointment, Elsa from Frozen was nowhere to be seen. That is one "frozen hottie" if you know what I mean.
Thus I settled with Hanna, who was the only hottie I could pick anyway. The others, it seems, you have to unlock by playing through the game. A pink haired elf with two nice jingle bells, that's fine, I've seen worse. So how bad can it be, shouldn't be that bad of a game, right?
The "game" is a match-3 puzzler where you have to match 3 or more symbols in order to progress. By matching the symbols you fill up the candy bar at the top and each time it fills up, your frozen hottie thaws up a little bit more, slowly revealing herself.
This is how you start:
Constantly bombarded with stupid sound effects and a nauseatingly bad Christmas song looping indefinitely, I was gleefully anticipating what would come once the candy bar is fully filled up. Well it wasn't all bad, I thought to myself, the game is at least in a functional state and I'll finally get to enjoy some frozen cones. So I kept persevering until I could finally receive my visual treat:
Well... sh*t!
Turns out, you have to fill up the candy bar several times in order to fully reveal your delightful hottie. Let me tell you, the process is so slow, I've lost count the number of times I had to fill up that damned candy bar. Each and every time awaiting succulent visual bliss only to be disappointed yet again. Kinda like my ex-girlfriend...
Well at least the gameplay is, if not decent, at least functional. Yeah no, no matter what you do and how you play, the candy bar always fills up exactly the same. You can try matching 4 pieces, you can try doing combos, you can try going for specific symbols, but it doesn't change a thing! Combos fill up your bar just the same as a simple triple match, and if you match 4 or more, it. is. still. the. same! So you don't even have the pleasure of trying to strategize well because in this piece of sh*t game it makes no difference at all.
And since you're trying to thaw up your frozen hottie before your joystick gets blisters, you'll soon find yourself matching any kind of symbols as randomly and as fast as possible. So piece by piece you're filling up that stupid candy bar, while existential dread starts slowly creeping up at the back of your head.
Ten minutes into this game, I started questioning my life, asking myself what in the flying f*ck I was doing there. Unsatisfied, under-challenged and underwhelmed my mind started to run circles, dredging up ms worst life choices and mistakes from the deepest underbelly of my subconscious. I started thinking about my ex-girlfriend who dropped my like a hot potato, wondering if, I could be playing with her instead of wasting my time in front of this pathetic match-3 animu adult game. If only things had gone differently...
All my doubts were suddenly cast aside, when I filled up the candy bar a couple more times, with my final reward now close in sight:
Are you f*cking kidding me?! What is this sh*t of a piece of sh*t game? I was promised anime tiddies, ffs! And this is was what I get!? This ain't right, it's really not!
And thus I keep matching icons like Sisyphus rolling his stone uphill. I'm sure this will be over soon, I'm sure I will get my reward and finally stand victorious over this game. In the end, I will be the one laughing once my hottie has finally thawed up to me. I look at my watch and notice that only 3 more minutes have passed since I last checked. Believe you me, 3 minutes feel like an eternity in this game, especially when your brain is taking you down the memory lane of regret.
But soon, I'll have reached the end. Yes, yes indeed, praised be the Lord, there's light at the end of the tunnel. I check my pulse to make sure I'm not in the process of dying... nope, heart's still beating, so I must be nearing completion. Finally, here it is, my reward, my delight, my bliss:
Wait, what!? The picture that I just unlocked... is the very same picture from the beginning of the character select screen!
All I wanted, all I needed, all I ever expected from this dreadful game were a couple of perky anime breasts. I was promised this! It says so right in the description:
All I got was the exact same picture as before! After 23 minutes of playtime, I'm left empty handed and not even that, I didn't even get to unlock a new picture! I could have just scrolled the character select screen for a couple of seconds and I would have gotten the same result.
But wait a minute, there's a "battle mode". Maybe that one will lead me to the promised land, let's see:
So this is is a versus mode against an AI where you can unlock the other characters. F*ck that noise, I'm not gonna unlock other characters only to be thrown into another endless match-3 game in order to "unlock" the same picture as on the character screen.
Alrighty then, let's see what the "tag" mode does. Oh... it's a puzzle slider where you need to put the image back together. And would you look at that...
It's the very exact same picture! Fantastic! Triple AAA GOTY right there my friends! The best game I've ever played! A masterpiece!
After 33 minutes of game-time I seem to have finally unlocked another picture, completing all the various game modes with Hanna. Want to see it? I'm sure you do, but the image is so tame, it doesn't even deserve a NSFW tag. Well, here it is:
Yeah, I've seen more erotic imagery on cereal boxes. What's even worse, it's the exact same pose as the original picture, they just drew a couple of different clothes over her... but at least I've got this:
You know what? I'm not even mad anymore, just incredibly sad and disappointed. I'm a simple man, I don't need much in life. But this game... it sucks the life out of you, it hollows you out from the inside. Frikkin' Google image search is a better erotic adult game than this!
I've read Nietzsche so I'm well familiar with nihilism, but at least Nietzsche didn't promise you boobies only to let you hanging blue balled. So here I am, standing empty handed, no boobies... no anime waifu... no keyhole... no peeping... no blissful delight. Just plain 'ol pain and suffering.
Well, maybe it's not all bad, at the very least I've got a couple of achievements that are now forever sullying my Steam profile:
I'm done with this... curse you
Kadayi
!
So I received my package from the NeoGAF Unkindness Club and at first I thought it wouldn't be that bad. The game I received was titled:
Keyhole Spy: Frozen Hotties
I mean sure, judging by that title alone you know it's gonna be bad, but at least you'll have a few animu tiddies to soften the blow. As we all know, no matter how harsh life is punishing you, no matter how much the tides of destiny rock your boat, you'll always find comfort in a blissful pair of succulent breasts.
At the very least, I can thaw a few hotties with my sexist male gaze while peeping on them through a keyhole Miroslav Tichý style. Who wouldn't want to endanger his mental health for that golden opportunity amirite?
So I downloaded the game, booted it up and went to the settings menu:
You know it's gonna be bad when the only things you can tweak are the sound effects and the background music. Unfortunately for me, this meant that I had to play the game full frontal fullscreen meaning that the game requested my undivided attention. Well alright then, anticipating the things to come I went to get my lube, prepared my cum closet and clicked play.
I was greeted with a list of "frozen hotties" seductively inviting me to grace their delightful anime bodies with my male gaze:
To my deepest disappointment, Elsa from Frozen was nowhere to be seen. That is one "frozen hottie" if you know what I mean.
Thus I settled with Hanna, who was the only hottie I could pick anyway. The others, it seems, you have to unlock by playing through the game. A pink haired elf with two nice jingle bells, that's fine, I've seen worse. So how bad can it be, shouldn't be that bad of a game, right?
The "game" is a match-3 puzzler where you have to match 3 or more symbols in order to progress. By matching the symbols you fill up the candy bar at the top and each time it fills up, your frozen hottie thaws up a little bit more, slowly revealing herself.
This is how you start:
Constantly bombarded with stupid sound effects and a nauseatingly bad Christmas song looping indefinitely, I was gleefully anticipating what would come once the candy bar is fully filled up. Well it wasn't all bad, I thought to myself, the game is at least in a functional state and I'll finally get to enjoy some frozen cones. So I kept persevering until I could finally receive my visual treat:
Well... sh*t!
Turns out, you have to fill up the candy bar several times in order to fully reveal your delightful hottie. Let me tell you, the process is so slow, I've lost count the number of times I had to fill up that damned candy bar. Each and every time awaiting succulent visual bliss only to be disappointed yet again. Kinda like my ex-girlfriend...
Well at least the gameplay is, if not decent, at least functional. Yeah no, no matter what you do and how you play, the candy bar always fills up exactly the same. You can try matching 4 pieces, you can try doing combos, you can try going for specific symbols, but it doesn't change a thing! Combos fill up your bar just the same as a simple triple match, and if you match 4 or more, it. is. still. the. same! So you don't even have the pleasure of trying to strategize well because in this piece of sh*t game it makes no difference at all.
And since you're trying to thaw up your frozen hottie before your joystick gets blisters, you'll soon find yourself matching any kind of symbols as randomly and as fast as possible. So piece by piece you're filling up that stupid candy bar, while existential dread starts slowly creeping up at the back of your head.
Ten minutes into this game, I started questioning my life, asking myself what in the flying f*ck I was doing there. Unsatisfied, under-challenged and underwhelmed my mind started to run circles, dredging up ms worst life choices and mistakes from the deepest underbelly of my subconscious. I started thinking about my ex-girlfriend who dropped my like a hot potato, wondering if, I could be playing with her instead of wasting my time in front of this pathetic match-3 animu adult game. If only things had gone differently...
All my doubts were suddenly cast aside, when I filled up the candy bar a couple more times, with my final reward now close in sight:
Are you f*cking kidding me?! What is this sh*t of a piece of sh*t game? I was promised anime tiddies, ffs! And this is was what I get!? This ain't right, it's really not!
And thus I keep matching icons like Sisyphus rolling his stone uphill. I'm sure this will be over soon, I'm sure I will get my reward and finally stand victorious over this game. In the end, I will be the one laughing once my hottie has finally thawed up to me. I look at my watch and notice that only 3 more minutes have passed since I last checked. Believe you me, 3 minutes feel like an eternity in this game, especially when your brain is taking you down the memory lane of regret.
But soon, I'll have reached the end. Yes, yes indeed, praised be the Lord, there's light at the end of the tunnel. I check my pulse to make sure I'm not in the process of dying... nope, heart's still beating, so I must be nearing completion. Finally, here it is, my reward, my delight, my bliss:
Wait, what!? The picture that I just unlocked... is the very same picture from the beginning of the character select screen!
All I wanted, all I needed, all I ever expected from this dreadful game were a couple of perky anime breasts. I was promised this! It says so right in the description:
All I got was the exact same picture as before! After 23 minutes of playtime, I'm left empty handed and not even that, I didn't even get to unlock a new picture! I could have just scrolled the character select screen for a couple of seconds and I would have gotten the same result.
But wait a minute, there's a "battle mode". Maybe that one will lead me to the promised land, let's see:
So this is is a versus mode against an AI where you can unlock the other characters. F*ck that noise, I'm not gonna unlock other characters only to be thrown into another endless match-3 game in order to "unlock" the same picture as on the character screen.
Alrighty then, let's see what the "tag" mode does. Oh... it's a puzzle slider where you need to put the image back together. And would you look at that...
It's the very exact same picture! Fantastic! Triple AAA GOTY right there my friends! The best game I've ever played! A masterpiece!
After 33 minutes of game-time I seem to have finally unlocked another picture, completing all the various game modes with Hanna. Want to see it? I'm sure you do, but the image is so tame, it doesn't even deserve a NSFW tag. Well, here it is:
Yeah, I've seen more erotic imagery on cereal boxes. What's even worse, it's the exact same pose as the original picture, they just drew a couple of different clothes over her... but at least I've got this:
You know what? I'm not even mad anymore, just incredibly sad and disappointed. I'm a simple man, I don't need much in life. But this game... it sucks the life out of you, it hollows you out from the inside. Frikkin' Google image search is a better erotic adult game than this!
I've read Nietzsche so I'm well familiar with nihilism, but at least Nietzsche didn't promise you boobies only to let you hanging blue balled. So here I am, standing empty handed, no boobies... no anime waifu... no keyhole... no peeping... no blissful delight. Just plain 'ol pain and suffering.
Well, maybe it's not all bad, at the very least I've got a couple of achievements that are now forever sullying my Steam profile:
I'm done with this... curse you
Kadayi
! j/k, long live the NeoGAF Unkindness Club! Let the suffering flow
Last edited:
CuNi
Member
The game that was gifted upon my humble being is:
I'll probably put my story into spoiler tags and update this post as I progress through the game. Once I get to finish the game write up my final review... anyway, here's the story so far.
I'll probably put my story into spoiler tags and update this post as I progress through the game. Once I get to finish the game write up my final review... anyway, here's the story so far.
A story told by a long forgotten gamer on the edge of madness...
December 23rd 2018...
As I received my challenge, the first thing to great me was a horrifying Steam Library background… a cold shudder went down my back… but I had a job to do and I would not back down… As I fired up the game, I was greeted by a windowed application which roughly took up 1/10th of my screen, which already slightly triggered my inner perfectionist. I took a few breaths and stared at the little screen, which seemed to already show me some sort of intro or development studio name.. Mason Lindroth. I wasn’t sure if this was a shout out to the person responsible for this abomination or just it’s last victim, but at this point it was already too late to question. Shortly after that, I was greeted by the main menu, with it’s weird, trance inducing title theme, a scrolling background with a guy in the shape of a upwards facing yellow moon that looks like it either has seen some really bad stuff or is questioning it’s life decision which led up to this point. I immediately felt a connection between us, as I too was questioning all the decision that led me up to this point. After a few thoughts about life and if we even make a change, I shaked my head and quickly pressed the Start button before I may muster the strength to leave while I am still a sane person. Or am I?
The game momentarily throws you into a level and a scene, without any instruction on who you are or what you are supposed to do… and the evil mastermind behind this torture thought playing with the arrow keys is a reasonable design decision. I already hate this game and the next… Oh god at least 19 more minutes.
I press right and suddenly a text appears… “A pneumatic theory wonderfully considers the rays. The people desire in a ocea.”. I spend a few seconds trying to understand what the game tries to tell me before giving up my last piece of rational thinking. From this point on, I embrace this trance inducing music and design. Give me all that you’ve got game. My mind is ready for you!
After a few more lines of dialogue, mind you I only walked two steps so far and am already lost in this deep, rich and well explained story, the screen changes and I am painfully remembered that the store page said about a 2h experience… The letters “Act 1” hit my self esteem quit hard. 18 More minutes…
I start in some weird apartment and am in control of yellow moon McRegret. I have a cat it seems that “meows” just as I would imagine satan to yawn. I quickly look up to the christian cross that my mother hung up above my door frame. It’s still there and pointing downwards.. So I got that goin for me, which is nice.
I run around the room for a few seconds before doing a reality check and smash all the buttons. I seem to have found a button for the menu. The inventory is well organized… you got such speaking buttons as “Things”, “Powers” or my personal favorite “Get Dressed”. I also learn that Yellow Moon McRegret is actually called Wayne. I am sad as I grew fond of Mr. McRegret in all those rough 35 seconds we shared together before he was renamed to wayne. We had a good run… I also quickly save, for what reason I don’t know yet, but I don’t want to have to go through this whole thought process another time. My safe file says I only spend 2:08 minutes playing.. It feels as if I could have raised kids from infant to adult in those 2:08 minutes I will never get back from life. Oh well… I run upstairs into a bathroom. The bathtub offers me to bath which I and Wayne happily accept. To my surprise, the prompt shortly after informs me that my “flesh and will” were restored. I guess that’s why my mother always wanted me to bath instead of shower… think about the flesh! Logically, after interacting with the Toilet, I acquired some warm burritos. Ah yes.. The toilet.. Breeding ground for the mighty burrito..As I leave our house I find myself in the desert without any other soul close by.. Wayne must be a terrible neighbour.. I save again.. 3 minutes… time is at a stand still..it took my body. I cry a manly tear and carry on.. As I walk out of the border of the screen, I am greeted with a final fantasy like overworld… help me, I mumble as I realize the scope of this torture..I somehow navigate myself to a city in which the very first “citizen” turns out to be a enemy.. I am already kneels deep in my first fight. Spiral Polycerate A through C are my enemy’s today.. I must have turn’d the wrong corner as the enemy’s decimate me and Wayne. At least I get to witness the death screen… If there was any sanity left in my body, it left at this moment. The game plays a wonderfully hand crafted animation in which the lovely yellow face of Wayne melts away and all that is left is the skull… in said form. I gently smiled as I was waiting for the “Game Over. Load / Main Menu” prompt but to my dismay, the game threw Wayne into some sort of afterlife… I see two dead fish lying around Wayne, with a couch in the back which looks like it’s made of intestines and a meat grinder to my right. Once I start a conversation with a flapping fish on a concrete floor with not even a puddle of water to be seen, he friendly welcomes me to the afterlife and offers me to sleep on the couch. Since I don’t even know what I am doing with MY life at this point anymore, why should I NOT follow the tips of a grim-reaper like fish? So I strategically position Wayne on the couch and take a nap. Even more cryptic words appear… “Amid the lilies floats the moth, the mole along his galleries goeth in the dark earth.” I nod at my screen and carry on, feeling as my mind slowly slips towards insanity and I swear I can see the walls bend outwards… I interact with the meat grinder, but it seems I don’t have any meat.. The fish informs me that I can use the grinder to turn meat into meat points.. Ah yes, of course! The meat points!... At the lower half of the tower are two exits..help One is guarded by a flapping fish, informing me that the executive balcony is behind him… unfortunately only those who died 3 times are allowed there.. Even failure is time gated it seems… let’s find out how to get back and die again! I follow the other path and descend the tower… on my way I interact with some weird kind of statue which falls over and results in me acquiring a hot dog.. I reach a beach with yet another flapping fish which tells me that I can build sand castles… So I spend the next 3 minutes building sand castles to regain a fraction of my very much needed sanity to withstand the constant maddening tunes of this soundtrack… or random number generator playing notes for various instruments.. The resemblance is frightening. After many more minutes wandering the afterlife I somehow get out, but I don’t think I progressed very far in this game up until now..After many minutes I finally arrive in “Musmuln, the elusive city”..All I hope for is that I don’t need to know why it’s called “elusive city” as it sounds like something that would stand between me and the end of this game. I walk through the streets.. The buildings look like someone ripped out the insides of a planet sized giant and build a sparkling city out of it… one kind citizen offers me to take a bath for 25 bucks.. Since I only have 53 I kindly decline.. He then informs me that I stink… I guess dying has it’s negative aspects.. I am not sure if it is the time that I play this game or the music, but I feel a gently headache start to build up somewhere deep inside of my head… at least I think it is a headache, judging by the music and arts it could also be a tumor that my body quickly builds inside of my brain to ALT + F4 life altogether if I don’t gain some sense and stop playing this Guantanamo Bay like torture. I never got to experience it, but I think not even Waterboarding reaches this level of demonic tunes and sadistic dialogue. I can’t possibly recap all the things I got to see while wandering through this abomination of a city, but there are a few things that stuck to my mind.. Like the organ couch that just melted when I touched it or the…it won't let me leave! I forgot what I wanted to say as I somehow managed to just die… At least I found some meat in a trash bin.. Now I can grind it and see where this gets me.. “Tasty meat points are mine” I tell myself in a Gollum Voice before I catch myself talking to my mirror self..I quickly open the menu to see what those juicy flesh points allow me to do.. Lo and behold yet another disappointment.. Flesh is the replacement for HP in this game.. I see, getting let down is the core of the game, just as life itself… Anyway, only 1 more death until we can witness the balcony! But this will have to wait for another time… It’s half past 3 AM, Steam tell’s me I already spend 58 minutes play-WHAT!? 58!? I slowly sink into my chair… is.. Is this my life now? I close my eyes and feel a strange headache… is it the game that causes this headache or the guilt of closing it?.. Maybe I can find some more time to play it tomorrow..
December 23rd 2018...
As I received my challenge, the first thing to great me was a horrifying Steam Library background… a cold shudder went down my back… but I had a job to do and I would not back down… As I fired up the game, I was greeted by a windowed application which roughly took up 1/10th of my screen, which already slightly triggered my inner perfectionist. I took a few breaths and stared at the little screen, which seemed to already show me some sort of intro or development studio name.. Mason Lindroth. I wasn’t sure if this was a shout out to the person responsible for this abomination or just it’s last victim, but at this point it was already too late to question. Shortly after that, I was greeted by the main menu, with it’s weird, trance inducing title theme, a scrolling background with a guy in the shape of a upwards facing yellow moon that looks like it either has seen some really bad stuff or is questioning it’s life decision which led up to this point. I immediately felt a connection between us, as I too was questioning all the decision that led me up to this point. After a few thoughts about life and if we even make a change, I shaked my head and quickly pressed the Start button before I may muster the strength to leave while I am still a sane person. Or am I?
The game momentarily throws you into a level and a scene, without any instruction on who you are or what you are supposed to do… and the evil mastermind behind this torture thought playing with the arrow keys is a reasonable design decision. I already hate this game and the next… Oh god at least 19 more minutes.
I press right and suddenly a text appears… “A pneumatic theory wonderfully considers the rays. The people desire in a ocea.”. I spend a few seconds trying to understand what the game tries to tell me before giving up my last piece of rational thinking. From this point on, I embrace this trance inducing music and design. Give me all that you’ve got game. My mind is ready for you!
After a few more lines of dialogue, mind you I only walked two steps so far and am already lost in this deep, rich and well explained story, the screen changes and I am painfully remembered that the store page said about a 2h experience… The letters “Act 1” hit my self esteem quit hard. 18 More minutes…
I start in some weird apartment and am in control of yellow moon McRegret. I have a cat it seems that “meows” just as I would imagine satan to yawn. I quickly look up to the christian cross that my mother hung up above my door frame. It’s still there and pointing downwards.. So I got that goin for me, which is nice.
I run around the room for a few seconds before doing a reality check and smash all the buttons. I seem to have found a button for the menu. The inventory is well organized… you got such speaking buttons as “Things”, “Powers” or my personal favorite “Get Dressed”. I also learn that Yellow Moon McRegret is actually called Wayne. I am sad as I grew fond of Mr. McRegret in all those rough 35 seconds we shared together before he was renamed to wayne. We had a good run… I also quickly save, for what reason I don’t know yet, but I don’t want to have to go through this whole thought process another time. My safe file says I only spend 2:08 minutes playing.. It feels as if I could have raised kids from infant to adult in those 2:08 minutes I will never get back from life. Oh well… I run upstairs into a bathroom. The bathtub offers me to bath which I and Wayne happily accept. To my surprise, the prompt shortly after informs me that my “flesh and will” were restored. I guess that’s why my mother always wanted me to bath instead of shower… think about the flesh! Logically, after interacting with the Toilet, I acquired some warm burritos. Ah yes.. The toilet.. Breeding ground for the mighty burrito..As I leave our house I find myself in the desert without any other soul close by.. Wayne must be a terrible neighbour.. I save again.. 3 minutes… time is at a stand still..it took my body. I cry a manly tear and carry on.. As I walk out of the border of the screen, I am greeted with a final fantasy like overworld… help me, I mumble as I realize the scope of this torture..I somehow navigate myself to a city in which the very first “citizen” turns out to be a enemy.. I am already kneels deep in my first fight. Spiral Polycerate A through C are my enemy’s today.. I must have turn’d the wrong corner as the enemy’s decimate me and Wayne. At least I get to witness the death screen… If there was any sanity left in my body, it left at this moment. The game plays a wonderfully hand crafted animation in which the lovely yellow face of Wayne melts away and all that is left is the skull… in said form. I gently smiled as I was waiting for the “Game Over. Load / Main Menu” prompt but to my dismay, the game threw Wayne into some sort of afterlife… I see two dead fish lying around Wayne, with a couch in the back which looks like it’s made of intestines and a meat grinder to my right. Once I start a conversation with a flapping fish on a concrete floor with not even a puddle of water to be seen, he friendly welcomes me to the afterlife and offers me to sleep on the couch. Since I don’t even know what I am doing with MY life at this point anymore, why should I NOT follow the tips of a grim-reaper like fish? So I strategically position Wayne on the couch and take a nap. Even more cryptic words appear… “Amid the lilies floats the moth, the mole along his galleries goeth in the dark earth.” I nod at my screen and carry on, feeling as my mind slowly slips towards insanity and I swear I can see the walls bend outwards… I interact with the meat grinder, but it seems I don’t have any meat.. The fish informs me that I can use the grinder to turn meat into meat points.. Ah yes, of course! The meat points!... At the lower half of the tower are two exits..help One is guarded by a flapping fish, informing me that the executive balcony is behind him… unfortunately only those who died 3 times are allowed there.. Even failure is time gated it seems… let’s find out how to get back and die again! I follow the other path and descend the tower… on my way I interact with some weird kind of statue which falls over and results in me acquiring a hot dog.. I reach a beach with yet another flapping fish which tells me that I can build sand castles… So I spend the next 3 minutes building sand castles to regain a fraction of my very much needed sanity to withstand the constant maddening tunes of this soundtrack… or random number generator playing notes for various instruments.. The resemblance is frightening. After many more minutes wandering the afterlife I somehow get out, but I don’t think I progressed very far in this game up until now..After many minutes I finally arrive in “Musmuln, the elusive city”..All I hope for is that I don’t need to know why it’s called “elusive city” as it sounds like something that would stand between me and the end of this game. I walk through the streets.. The buildings look like someone ripped out the insides of a planet sized giant and build a sparkling city out of it… one kind citizen offers me to take a bath for 25 bucks.. Since I only have 53 I kindly decline.. He then informs me that I stink… I guess dying has it’s negative aspects.. I am not sure if it is the time that I play this game or the music, but I feel a gently headache start to build up somewhere deep inside of my head… at least I think it is a headache, judging by the music and arts it could also be a tumor that my body quickly builds inside of my brain to ALT + F4 life altogether if I don’t gain some sense and stop playing this Guantanamo Bay like torture. I never got to experience it, but I think not even Waterboarding reaches this level of demonic tunes and sadistic dialogue. I can’t possibly recap all the things I got to see while wandering through this abomination of a city, but there are a few things that stuck to my mind.. Like the organ couch that just melted when I touched it or the…it won't let me leave! I forgot what I wanted to say as I somehow managed to just die… At least I found some meat in a trash bin.. Now I can grind it and see where this gets me.. “Tasty meat points are mine” I tell myself in a Gollum Voice before I catch myself talking to my mirror self..I quickly open the menu to see what those juicy flesh points allow me to do.. Lo and behold yet another disappointment.. Flesh is the replacement for HP in this game.. I see, getting let down is the core of the game, just as life itself… Anyway, only 1 more death until we can witness the balcony! But this will have to wait for another time… It’s half past 3 AM, Steam tell’s me I already spend 58 minutes play-WHAT!? 58!? I slowly sink into my chair… is.. Is this my life now? I close my eyes and feel a strange headache… is it the game that causes this headache or the guilt of closing it?.. Maybe I can find some more time to play it tomorrow..
Last edited:
Xaero Gravity
NEXT LEVEL lame™
I've got balls the size of grapefruits, so bring it.
strange headache
Banned
Good stuff, this reads like the fevered dream of a malaria patient trippin' on LSD. I have no idea what I've just read but it was glorious.
Did you take some screenshots?
Last edited:
CuNi
Member
Oh ups yeah forgot to embed em. I'm on mobile right now but will do that later. I'm weirdly hooked.. Something makes me want to continue my strange pilgrimage of suffering and pain.
strange headache
Banned
Shifty
Member
Ohhh boy. I got a copy of this a couple of years back in return for gifting Undertale to a coworker. I'm sure it was well-intentioned, but man was he ever into some weird shit.The game that was gifted upon my humble being is:
According to Steam, I made it 18 whole minutes into the fever dream before waking up in a cold sweat.
Oh god. I remember all of this. Your writeup is too real, it had me in stitches. Bravo!
I love the way the paragraph structure gradually breaks down into a fevered stream of consciousness in the second half as well, really puts across the feeling of losing your mind.
Oh for sure, Hylics is a special kind of fucked up that deserves to be seen. There's a gif version of the death animation floating around the internet that you could put in as well.
For the greater good. You're a trooper
CuNi
, best of luck.
Geki-D
Banned
Tomato Way
I actually recorded my time with this game, with commentary in full:
So the TL;DR version is that I spent 30 minutes trying to open a door because the controls make no sense. I didn't bother setting them up but I did quickly look them over. So whilst WASD to move is there (to bad I'm on a AZERTY KB) the arrows keys are also mapped by default and there are even pad controls. HOWEVER whilst up arrow and forward on the pad do move you forward, only W actually moves you forward and interacts with physical objects in the game. I have no idea why this is the case and it took me ages to figures this out seeing as using W on my AZERTY KB never came to mind (especially when 2 other buttons were listed as doing the same thing).
After that, it's a FPS in Russian built by a guy in his bedroom (or at least it feels like that), that I assume uses quite a few premade assets off of some store. It's alright, I suppose. The weirdness feels a bit forced but is amusing. FPS is terrible and the game throws a lot of enemies at you at times. I got up to a boss (the last boss?) that shat out a constant stream of pretty powerful enemies whilst it flew around spitting fire and I called it quits at that. I fact I think there are about 4 times where i said I'd had enough then just managed to go on a bit longer.
Not the worst game I've played or the most frustrating. But it wasn't great.
I actually recorded my time with this game, with commentary in full:
So the TL;DR version is that I spent 30 minutes trying to open a door because the controls make no sense. I didn't bother setting them up but I did quickly look them over. So whilst WASD to move is there (to bad I'm on a AZERTY KB) the arrows keys are also mapped by default and there are even pad controls. HOWEVER whilst up arrow and forward on the pad do move you forward, only W actually moves you forward and interacts with physical objects in the game. I have no idea why this is the case and it took me ages to figures this out seeing as using W on my AZERTY KB never came to mind (especially when 2 other buttons were listed as doing the same thing).
After that, it's a FPS in Russian built by a guy in his bedroom (or at least it feels like that), that I assume uses quite a few premade assets off of some store. It's alright, I suppose. The weirdness feels a bit forced but is amusing. FPS is terrible and the game throws a lot of enemies at you at times. I got up to a boss (the last boss?) that shat out a constant stream of pretty powerful enemies whilst it flew around spitting fire and I called it quits at that. I fact I think there are about 4 times where i said I'd had enough then just managed to go on a bit longer.
Not the worst game I've played or the most frustrating. But it wasn't great.
Last edited:
strange headache
Banned
I watched your video and although I have absolutely no idea what I've just watched, I enjoyed it nonetheless. The fact that you played this game for 2 hours straight is testament to your iron will as a gamer. As a proud representative of the NeoGAF Unkindness Club, I feel like we should throw more games at you to find your breaking point... for
I allowed myself to provide some choice timestamps so that our delightful members can succulently enjoy that sweet sweet nectar of madness and despair:
Your foray into the abyss of madness has been duly noted in our Hall of Fame. Thanks for the shout out buddy, hit me up whenever you need to review some more games. I'd be happy to "sponsor" a few more walkthroughs
Last edited:
Kadayi
Banned
Right, I had the delights of this particularly NSFW title to contend with.
Open any and all links at your own discretion: -
Which is not something you ever want to either receive or play.
I'd like to have said that I stuck with it, but the truth is I just gave it the requisite 20 minutes because life is too precious to waste on shit like this.
The basic premise you're home alone expecting a blind date arranged by your grown-up possibly swimwear-model/stripper? daughter Hartly (surely they mean Harley?)
However uh-oh it seems that the local big chested homicidal maniac Mary Vore , has escaped the local asylum for the criminally insane and is out for blood and she's heading your way...
Yet that's right if you clicked the link above when it comes to the design of the female form it seems the developer subscribes to the late Lola Ferrari's school of thought that you can never have too much frontage.
So with the premise out of the way I jump in, pick up the Instructional Newspaper at my feet and attempt to walk forward towards my bedroom table and the only source of illumination in the room ....only to Crash to Desktop (CTD) abruptly.
Let's try again
The beginning starts up and I decide I'll try and skip the opening cutscene - CTD (again)
Ohhhhh-Kaaaaaay.
Lesson learned...this is a super buggy POS and we are just going to have to roll with it and see this mess out for science
Let's just take it slowly
*watches cutscene* (again)
Okay let's try walking to the table and picking up the torch
Success!!
Allegedly according to the instructions Left click interacts with stuff, but you wouldn't know it, given the abject lack of things to interact with, and there's no central cursor or indicator to highlight what you can interact with, which necessitates a slow trip around the starting bedroom looking for anything to click on, which apparently aside from the instructional newspaper and torch amounts to a big fat nothing.
Ok having successfully managed to get over that hurdle the realisation sinks in that what we are dealing with is a poorly controlled camera masquerading as a protagonist in a house seemingly designed by a 3-year old hopped up on Red Bull and Monster cocktails and let loose in the Unity engine. Rhyme, reason and decent spatial planning have gone out the window. That there are two doors basically right next to each other in the starting bedroom that open onto the same hall says all you need need to know about how utterly fucked up the level design is, but further gems will come to light as we proceed. (the inner architect in me recoils).
Anyway once satisfied that it's time to proceed I exit the bedroom through the one door that actually is open into a large hall area which indicates that despite having lived here for years Mr Bad Camera is not one for home decor, lights or much of anything aside from littering the place with cardboard boxes, fallen chairs and bin bags.
Being the exploratory type I fruitless try opening any of the doors leading off from the hall but to no avail. You'd think in your own house you'd readily be able to access the various rooms within it with ease, but apparently not. Despite the natural draw of the suspicious cupboard placed in the hall, this proves to be a nothing burger to remind me that my now grown daughter was once five.
Disappointed but relieved to be alive I pensively head to the staircase to take down me to the ground floor and my inevitable bosomy doom. At the bottom of the stairs, I'm greeted by the sight of a 'Big Boobs Serial Killer' Arcade Machine in the middle of the room. Not an arcade title I'm familiar with, but no doubt a classic I'm sure as GAF member [Vis_name][/Vis_name] can no doubt testify to given their extensive knowledge on all such matters. However, intrigued as I am by the idea of some game within game action in some inception inspired wet-dream within a wet-dream fashion. I'm duly informed that I should check back later (bah).
However to the right though is a table with some candles and a beckoning glowy note thing, which I figure must mean 'interactions await' and a possible clue as to wtf I'm supposed to do next. I wander over, left click and...
JFC out of nowhere I'm insta-killed in a combination of what appears to be how Russ Meyer dreamt of going out but with a bucket load of blood and a machete involved, whilst some inhuman noise like a pig being gutted blasts through my headset and brings me one step closer to qualifying for a disabled parking badge.
Restart time indeed
Back in the bedroom, I grab my trusty torch and head downstairs again and decide maybe just maybe I'll have a look around and see what's what and hold off on clicking on anything just yet in case I'm subjected to another case of inexplicable insta-death and ear deafening piglike noises.
I chance upon a frame on the wall which I figure may perhaps be a map or some kind, which would be useful as I don't have a scooby about the layout of the house, but apparently, it's just an Empty Frame for no explicable reason . The more I explore the more randomness I'm subjected to in terms of the building layout like this and this. As well as these delightful boobs themed posters such as this and this that seem to populate the place, as well as a strange request in the event the player is a hermaphrodite to presumably out themselves at some random website. I dare say in the event I was blessed with equipment for both teams, I'd be somewhat hesitant to follow through with this, but in the case that this good fortune does apply to you [Vis_name][/Vis_name] I'd recommend holding off on presumably gifting them any saucy snaps just on the off-chance that their intentions aren't entirely pure (just saying...).
Eventually, after a lengthy reconnoitre of the ground floor searching for a clue as to what to do next and marvelling at my absent daughter's penchant in her youth for apparently hiding amongst the myriad garbage bags strewn around the hoarders paradise I call home I eventually chance upon a pink key which I'm informed opens the door to my daughter's bedroom. With trepidation, I navigate my way back upstairs thinking that clearly, this is clearly where things are going to kick off bigly.
Cautiously I open the bedroom door (once I find it because nothing is obvious), expecting at any second for billowing breasty death to descend upon me machete in hand once more and smother the bejesus out of me whilst I bleed out my last, and ... nothing.
Instead, I'm merely greeted by a fairly creepy looking bedroom and not much else besides. I spend some time wandering around fruitlessly looking for some obvious next step to trigger events but it becomes abundantly clear that something is broken and the game isn't going to proceed. I may be in the house, but apparently, the sexy serial killer is not (or if they are they're doing a damn good job at hiding).
I weigh up whether to restart, or whether to cut my losses in time and the will to live, and the irreparable damage playing this has wrought to my Steam recommendations list (it's all adult games now Tony) and decided 20 minutes, 2 CTDs and one bizarre inexplicable booby instadeath are enough and I cut my losses.
Strangely when reflecting on this broken mess, I can't help but feel that within the general premise 'Escaped Sexy Serial Killer mistook for Blind Date' there's actually probably a lot of scope for a self-aware game title along the lines of Huniepop or some such, wherein you as an undercover detective charged with investigating a series of grisly murders in the cities singles scene find yourself going on a string of dates to try and unmask a serial killer with assorted sexy times involved (naturally). However with that said I suspect such a feat is unfortunately beyond the scope of the developers? of this particular title for whom the only recommendation I have is this: -
Open any and all links at your own discretion: -
Which is not something you ever want to either receive or play.
I'd like to have said that I stuck with it, but the truth is I just gave it the requisite 20 minutes because life is too precious to waste on shit like this.
The basic premise you're home alone expecting a blind date arranged by your grown-up possibly swimwear-model/stripper? daughter Hartly (surely they mean Harley?)
However uh-oh it seems that the local big chested homicidal maniac Mary Vore , has escaped the local asylum for the criminally insane and is out for blood and she's heading your way...
Yet that's right if you clicked the link above when it comes to the design of the female form it seems the developer subscribes to the late Lola Ferrari's school of thought that you can never have too much frontage.
So with the premise out of the way I jump in, pick up the Instructional Newspaper at my feet and attempt to walk forward towards my bedroom table and the only source of illumination in the room ....only to Crash to Desktop (CTD) abruptly.
Let's try again
The beginning starts up and I decide I'll try and skip the opening cutscene - CTD (again)
Ohhhhh-Kaaaaaay.
Lesson learned...this is a super buggy POS and we are just going to have to roll with it and see this mess out for science
Let's just take it slowly
*watches cutscene* (again)
Okay let's try walking to the table and picking up the torch
Success!!
Allegedly according to the instructions Left click interacts with stuff, but you wouldn't know it, given the abject lack of things to interact with, and there's no central cursor or indicator to highlight what you can interact with, which necessitates a slow trip around the starting bedroom looking for anything to click on, which apparently aside from the instructional newspaper and torch amounts to a big fat nothing.
Ok having successfully managed to get over that hurdle the realisation sinks in that what we are dealing with is a poorly controlled camera masquerading as a protagonist in a house seemingly designed by a 3-year old hopped up on Red Bull and Monster cocktails and let loose in the Unity engine. Rhyme, reason and decent spatial planning have gone out the window. That there are two doors basically right next to each other in the starting bedroom that open onto the same hall says all you need need to know about how utterly fucked up the level design is, but further gems will come to light as we proceed. (the inner architect in me recoils).
Anyway once satisfied that it's time to proceed I exit the bedroom through the one door that actually is open into a large hall area which indicates that despite having lived here for years Mr Bad Camera is not one for home decor, lights or much of anything aside from littering the place with cardboard boxes, fallen chairs and bin bags.
Being the exploratory type I fruitless try opening any of the doors leading off from the hall but to no avail. You'd think in your own house you'd readily be able to access the various rooms within it with ease, but apparently not. Despite the natural draw of the suspicious cupboard placed in the hall, this proves to be a nothing burger to remind me that my now grown daughter was once five.
Disappointed but relieved to be alive I pensively head to the staircase to take down me to the ground floor and my inevitable bosomy doom. At the bottom of the stairs, I'm greeted by the sight of a 'Big Boobs Serial Killer' Arcade Machine in the middle of the room. Not an arcade title I'm familiar with, but no doubt a classic I'm sure as GAF member [Vis_name][/Vis_name] can no doubt testify to given their extensive knowledge on all such matters. However, intrigued as I am by the idea of some game within game action in some inception inspired wet-dream within a wet-dream fashion. I'm duly informed that I should check back later (bah).
However to the right though is a table with some candles and a beckoning glowy note thing, which I figure must mean 'interactions await' and a possible clue as to wtf I'm supposed to do next. I wander over, left click and...
JFC out of nowhere I'm insta-killed in a combination of what appears to be how Russ Meyer dreamt of going out but with a bucket load of blood and a machete involved, whilst some inhuman noise like a pig being gutted blasts through my headset and brings me one step closer to qualifying for a disabled parking badge.
Restart time indeed
Back in the bedroom, I grab my trusty torch and head downstairs again and decide maybe just maybe I'll have a look around and see what's what and hold off on clicking on anything just yet in case I'm subjected to another case of inexplicable insta-death and ear deafening piglike noises.
I chance upon a frame on the wall which I figure may perhaps be a map or some kind, which would be useful as I don't have a scooby about the layout of the house, but apparently, it's just an Empty Frame for no explicable reason . The more I explore the more randomness I'm subjected to in terms of the building layout like this and this. As well as these delightful boobs themed posters such as this and this that seem to populate the place, as well as a strange request in the event the player is a hermaphrodite to presumably out themselves at some random website. I dare say in the event I was blessed with equipment for both teams, I'd be somewhat hesitant to follow through with this, but in the case that this good fortune does apply to you [Vis_name][/Vis_name] I'd recommend holding off on presumably gifting them any saucy snaps just on the off-chance that their intentions aren't entirely pure (just saying...).
Eventually, after a lengthy reconnoitre of the ground floor searching for a clue as to what to do next and marvelling at my absent daughter's penchant in her youth for apparently hiding amongst the myriad garbage bags strewn around the hoarders paradise I call home I eventually chance upon a pink key which I'm informed opens the door to my daughter's bedroom. With trepidation, I navigate my way back upstairs thinking that clearly, this is clearly where things are going to kick off bigly.
Cautiously I open the bedroom door (once I find it because nothing is obvious), expecting at any second for billowing breasty death to descend upon me machete in hand once more and smother the bejesus out of me whilst I bleed out my last, and ... nothing.
Instead, I'm merely greeted by a fairly creepy looking bedroom and not much else besides. I spend some time wandering around fruitlessly looking for some obvious next step to trigger events but it becomes abundantly clear that something is broken and the game isn't going to proceed. I may be in the house, but apparently, the sexy serial killer is not (or if they are they're doing a damn good job at hiding).
I weigh up whether to restart, or whether to cut my losses in time and the will to live, and the irreparable damage playing this has wrought to my Steam recommendations list (it's all adult games now Tony) and decided 20 minutes, 2 CTDs and one bizarre inexplicable booby instadeath are enough and I cut my losses.
Strangely when reflecting on this broken mess, I can't help but feel that within the general premise 'Escaped Sexy Serial Killer mistook for Blind Date' there's actually probably a lot of scope for a self-aware game title along the lines of Huniepop or some such, wherein you as an undercover detective charged with investigating a series of grisly murders in the cities singles scene find yourself going on a string of dates to try and unmask a serial killer with assorted sexy times involved (naturally). However with that said I suspect such a feat is unfortunately beyond the scope of the developers? of this particular title for whom the only recommendation I have is this: -
Last edited:
MisterBrimstone
Member
I'm ready for this if there are shitty games available still.
Last edited:
strange headache
Banned
The suffering and despair expressed in your post went down like a fine aged wine.
Although I must admit, the house that guy lived in was scarier than the big bosomed serial killer. It was hard to tell whether I was reading a schlock horror story or the memoire of a deranged messy. I don't even want to know the psychological damage his daughter must has suffered. Maybe sending a murderous killer woman to her father's home wasn't all that unintentional... In any case, your deadly encounter with the massively mammaried serial murder has been documented in our Hall of Fame.
Last edited:
Geki-D
Banned
I will endure any hardship you wish to throw my way, for science!
J-Roderton
Member
Well, I just got this. Downloaded. Ready to roll. I'll get back to you all tomorrow evening at some point.
It appears to be some sort of interactive movie. I think. We shall see.
Wish me luck.
It appears to be some sort of interactive movie. I think. We shall see.
Wish me luck.
S
SLoWMoTIoN
Unconfirmed Member
Oh how wrong you are my friend.
Just try any Atlus game or Nis game.
jufonuk
not tag worthy
If anyone wants to unkind me one I will try one
Rhazer Fusion
Member
Great idea. I grew up playing my share of bad games and even enjoyed some of them. I don’t have Steam, but I have Ps4, Xbox one, ps3, x360 and Mac as well as some retro systems.
Airola
Member
Would anyone want to play the LEAST GAME of any games I've bought and played on Steam?
I am pretty sure that not even the grandmaster of shitty Steam games, the OP himself, has gone this low.
This is the ultimate.
There is the bottom of the barrel. And then there are those games that said barrel is used to cover the ground some games are buried in. And this one is the bottom of that unholy grave.
The first who PMs me their will to do this (and lets me add their friend on Steam - no worries, you can ditch me out of your friend list as soon as you have received the game) will get this game as a Steam Gift from me. And remember, you HAVE to play the game for at least 20 minutes.
I am pretty sure that not even the grandmaster of shitty Steam games, the OP himself, has gone this low.
This is the ultimate.
There is the bottom of the barrel. And then there are those games that said barrel is used to cover the ground some games are buried in. And this one is the bottom of that unholy grave.
The first who PMs me their will to do this (and lets me add their friend on Steam - no worries, you can ditch me out of your friend list as soon as you have received the game) will get this game as a Steam Gift from me. And remember, you HAVE to play the game for at least 20 minutes.
strange headache
Banned
Excellent, the NeoGAF Unkindness Club has sent another gift for
Last edited:
Geki-D
Banned
I got it. I'll be getting to it, soon.
J-Roderton
Member
Hell i played my game but steam only uploaded one screenshot out of like 12. Fucking shit. I’ll play again tomorrow or something since I was kinda relying on using screenshots for my post. Ugh.
Shifty
Member
If the screenshots registered but just didn't upload, you can use the 'show on disk' option in the screenshot viewer on the game's library page in steam to get your hands on the source files for upload to imgur or some other hosting site- that's what I ended up doing.
Fingers crossed you don't have to put yourself through too much more torture to get it sorted out
Last edited:
Futaleufu
Member
I like the idea.
I was feeling kind of masochistic today so I installed Garshasp: Temple of the Dragon. The combat is rubbish, the camera is fixed and awful & the voice acting is terrible but the worst offender is the huge ammount of bugs that can make the game unwinnable/unfinishable. And it happened about 60 minutes into the game.
There is a section where a tower with an elevator works as a pseudo hub for different areas of the game. The first time you arrive there is a switch that allows you to move the bridge so you can get into the elevator. The third time I arrived there I wasn't so lucky.
Inside the tower you can see the elevator. The bridge to reach it is on the other side and there isnt a switch in this side to reset the position of the elevator or the bridge. The only way possible way to reach it is thru double jumping...
I tried for 10 minutes, It's impossible. This is the end of the journey.
This video shows what should really happen in this place(timestamped).
I was only 10 minutes away from completing the game.
I was feeling kind of masochistic today so I installed Garshasp: Temple of the Dragon. The combat is rubbish, the camera is fixed and awful & the voice acting is terrible but the worst offender is the huge ammount of bugs that can make the game unwinnable/unfinishable. And it happened about 60 minutes into the game.
There is a section where a tower with an elevator works as a pseudo hub for different areas of the game. The first time you arrive there is a switch that allows you to move the bridge so you can get into the elevator. The third time I arrived there I wasn't so lucky.
Inside the tower you can see the elevator. The bridge to reach it is on the other side and there isnt a switch in this side to reset the position of the elevator or the bridge. The only way possible way to reach it is thru double jumping...
I tried for 10 minutes, It's impossible. This is the end of the journey.
This video shows what should really happen in this place(timestamped).
I was only 10 minutes away from completing the game.
CrustyBritches
Gold Member
I volunteer to take part in your sick ritual. Pain is my only pleasure, I doubt you can hurt me except with your love. *crawls back under your bed*
Schrödinger's cat
Banned
EDIT: I'm an idiot.
That said, I must've been unspeakably horrible in a past life because, in this life, I've been obligated to QA some genuinely traumatising commercial games such as Bubsy 3D, Batman: Dark Tomorrow and the glorious 5-CD makes-no-sense-a-thon point-and-clicker Dementia.
You should be so lucky.
Last edited:
down 2 orth
Member
strange headache
Banned
If you took the screenshots with your F12 key, they should still be on your hard drive. In your Steam library do a right click on your game and select "view screenshots". Alternatively you should be able to find them in your Steam directory:
Code:
...Steam\userdata\[USER_ID]\760\remote\[GAME_ID]\screenshotsA fitting name for a hero worthy of such a masterpiece of gaming.
I sense a promising future in this one. Your punishment shall be great and your suffering exquisite.
That game looks amazing, you should do another play-through
Last edited:
Daniel Pacheco
Member
Hey
strange headache
.
Good job with the NeoGAF Unkindness Club . Actually sounds really funny, I would like to participate but in another way.
I have thousands of Steam keys for a couple of shitty games. Could be funny to play it.
strange headache
. Good job with the NeoGAF Unkindness Club . Actually sounds really funny, I would like to participate but in another way.
I have thousands of Steam keys for a couple of shitty games. Could be funny to play it.
Jae Mara
Member
Alrighty! The holidays are over and commitments are few, no better way to start the new year than delving into the deep despair of trash video games.
If someone could be so unkind to send me a game and I shall document my ordeal that should hopefully please the Unkindness Club.
Edit: Game has been received unkindly by
Airola
. I'll post my impressions soon-ish.
If someone could be so unkind to send me a game and I shall document my ordeal that should hopefully please the Unkindness Club.
Edit: Game has been received unkindly by
Airola
. I'll post my impressions soon-ish.
Last edited:
ROMhack
Member
Airola
Member
EDIT:
WILLING PERSON FOUND!
Last edited:
strange headache
Banned
CrustyBritches
Gold Member
I arrive at a seemingly abandoned mansion.
Cryptic scribbles on a bar napkin match the numbers on the box at this house of horror, so forward I move to 'rap, tap, tap' upon the door. Silence, then the door slowly opens as an ominous voice beckons me to my doom...a dust-covered PC sitting on a desk in back of the room.
"Install now", my demon insists. 'Accept gift' I click...and suddenly appears Jeff Gerstmann's tits!
Man-boobs stare at me with hateful eyes, figures in the shadows look down at my demise. Spinning tits for 20 minutes covered in neck-beard hair. This is truly torture, so now share in my despair:
Cryptic scribbles on a bar napkin match the numbers on the box at this house of horror, so forward I move to 'rap, tap, tap' upon the door. Silence, then the door slowly opens as an ominous voice beckons me to my doom...a dust-covered PC sitting on a desk in back of the room.
"Install now", my demon insists. 'Accept gift' I click...and suddenly appears Jeff Gerstmann's tits!
Man-boobs stare at me with hateful eyes, figures in the shadows look down at my demise. Spinning tits for 20 minutes covered in neck-beard hair. This is truly torture, so now share in my despair:
Kadayi
Banned
CrustyBritches
Gold Member
When the Club comes down on you hard, the only thing you can do is come up on the Club even harder.
Jae Mara
Member
Entering this thread I felt a wondrous possibility. There was excitement running through me as to what kind of game will I get?
Perhaps I will get a chance to have a virtual dinner date. Perhaps I will play as a crab, pinching half naked women on a beach. Perhaps I will play a nice game of peggle, undressing monster girls. Well, certainly these scenarios were possibilties but nothing prepared me for Airbo....
What the.....Opening the game brings you straight into the logo of the games engine. After the fade to black, it cuts abruptly to the strikingly white menu screen with the two main menu options "PlAy" and "eXiT". Instantly, you see what you can only assume to be is the main protagonist of our game, Airbo. Airbo playfully follows your mouse around the screen and you get a bit of a feel for what you assume to be the controls for the game. After a few loop-de-loops I feel comfortable starting the game and move Airbo to the PlAy button.
Instantly all I knew about the game was swept away from me. Airbo does not follow the mouse anymore, immobile and defenseless I hurried to find a way to control Airbo. Thankfully the arrow keys provided my movement and I seeked what other abilities other than movement that I have at my disposal. After pressing the Z,X,C keys, the longtime accompanying buttons with the arrowkeys nothing was happening. Then by chance, a glancing nudge of my left thumb onto the spacebar releases a perfect small white square from Airbo, my munition.
After about 5 minutes I was starting to feel fatigued. The enemies dont shoot anything at Airbo. They just fly from left to right at the bottom of the screen on what seems to be an infinite loop. My enthuasiam to shoot down the infinite planes below was tiring and I tried to end it all on Airbos behalf..... RIP Airbo.
Damn!! Colliding with the other planes does nothing, Airbo is unharmed. After destroying a few more planes, I felt despair, the choking despair that this thread is about. Then I felt something. I was failing to understand what the game was trying to tell me all this time, as soon as I stopped shooting, revelatory thoughts start to enter my head. The imagery of the game is simple, stripped down of the complexities of modern graphics to tell its story, its true motives as a game.
Airbo. Who is Airbo. After staring at Airbos sprite for a few seconds I realised something, its looks kind of like a plane and kinda like a boat. Airbo is a beautiful portmanteau of Airplane Boat. Ingenious! Is the saturated blue backdrop sea or sky... both? There are no counting scores, no pause screen, no settings, no music or sound effects, no progress nothing that chains our games today, the less this game has the more you get to fill in the blanks yourself, kinda like Sea of Thieves!!! Those looping planes, they are dressed in the flag of Russia, the historically common enemy of the west. All designed to think they are the bad guys, but are they? They look like passenger planes, they dont engage with you, they dont even harm you on contact, they rather go about their business, perhaps scared of the monsterous deformed airplane boat . Airbo is not the protanganist of this game they are the antagonist or rather the player is.
Anyway after figuring the boring hidden message behind the game I decided to see if there is anything else going on.
I realised that you can shower many square bombs onto those sinister planes and to my surprise as shown in the gif the bombs actually have basic physics as they can crash into each other. Wow!
There was one other button on the entire keyboard that also worked....
F12 brings up web developer type console. Interesting, so basically an embedded web game exported out into exe, nice. Here I found that the game has an entire 4 sprites and an option to pause and play the code/game. I could change a few things relating to the web side of the design package but nothing interesting.
So thats the end of that lazy terrible game. Just have to PM my thanks to the Gaffer that sent it to me....
The depressing thing is I probably spent more time playing the game and making gifs than the developer did creating the game. This is the true ugly nature of the unkindness club.
Perhaps I will get a chance to have a virtual dinner date. Perhaps I will play as a crab, pinching half naked women on a beach. Perhaps I will play a nice game of peggle, undressing monster girls. Well, certainly these scenarios were possibilties but nothing prepared me for Airbo....
What the.....Opening the game brings you straight into the logo of the games engine. After the fade to black, it cuts abruptly to the strikingly white menu screen with the two main menu options "PlAy" and "eXiT". Instantly, you see what you can only assume to be is the main protagonist of our game, Airbo. Airbo playfully follows your mouse around the screen and you get a bit of a feel for what you assume to be the controls for the game. After a few loop-de-loops I feel comfortable starting the game and move Airbo to the PlAy button.
Instantly all I knew about the game was swept away from me. Airbo does not follow the mouse anymore, immobile and defenseless I hurried to find a way to control Airbo. Thankfully the arrow keys provided my movement and I seeked what other abilities other than movement that I have at my disposal. After pressing the Z,X,C keys, the longtime accompanying buttons with the arrowkeys nothing was happening. Then by chance, a glancing nudge of my left thumb onto the spacebar releases a perfect small white square from Airbo, my munition.
After about 5 minutes I was starting to feel fatigued. The enemies dont shoot anything at Airbo. They just fly from left to right at the bottom of the screen on what seems to be an infinite loop. My enthuasiam to shoot down the infinite planes below was tiring and I tried to end it all on Airbos behalf..... RIP Airbo.
Damn!! Colliding with the other planes does nothing, Airbo is unharmed. After destroying a few more planes, I felt despair, the choking despair that this thread is about. Then I felt something. I was failing to understand what the game was trying to tell me all this time, as soon as I stopped shooting, revelatory thoughts start to enter my head. The imagery of the game is simple, stripped down of the complexities of modern graphics to tell its story, its true motives as a game.
Airbo. Who is Airbo. After staring at Airbos sprite for a few seconds I realised something, its looks kind of like a plane and kinda like a boat. Airbo is a beautiful portmanteau of Airplane Boat. Ingenious! Is the saturated blue backdrop sea or sky... both? There are no counting scores, no pause screen, no settings, no music or sound effects, no progress nothing that chains our games today, the less this game has the more you get to fill in the blanks yourself, kinda like Sea of Thieves!!! Those looping planes, they are dressed in the flag of Russia, the historically common enemy of the west. All designed to think they are the bad guys, but are they? They look like passenger planes, they dont engage with you, they dont even harm you on contact, they rather go about their business, perhaps scared of the monsterous deformed airplane boat . Airbo is not the protanganist of this game they are the antagonist or rather the player is.
Anyway after figuring the boring hidden message behind the game I decided to see if there is anything else going on.
I realised that you can shower many square bombs onto those sinister planes and to my surprise as shown in the gif the bombs actually have basic physics as they can crash into each other. Wow!
There was one other button on the entire keyboard that also worked....
F12 brings up web developer type console. Interesting, so basically an embedded web game exported out into exe, nice. Here I found that the game has an entire 4 sprites and an option to pause and play the code/game. I could change a few things relating to the web side of the design package but nothing interesting.
So thats the end of that lazy terrible game. Just have to PM my thanks to the Gaffer that sent it to me....
The depressing thing is I probably spent more time playing the game and making gifs than the developer did creating the game. This is the true ugly nature of the unkindness club.
Last edited:
DunDunDunpachi
Patient MembeR
strange headache
Banned
It warms my shriveled black heart to witness the Unkindness Club help its members discover their innermost longings for the transcendent beauty that is the male body. If only I wouldn't have made the mistake to witness in 1080p theater mode... your wet fever dreams have been added to our Hall of Fame.
strange headache
Banned
That... was beautiful. Thank you for reminding us that it is only in playing the worst that we can find our true nature as gamers. You bravely went on your quest and found true beauty, not unlike the gallant Sir Galahad untainted by the sins of our mortal coils, destined to find the holy Grail of gaming. It is perhaps only in playing Airbo that we can find truth. Gameplay mechanics, graphics, story and fun are merely meaningless fluff distracting us form what is the essence of gaming.
Your worthy deeds have been chronicled in our Hall of Fame. May they forever shine as a beacon for those venturing forth into the abyss.
Last edited:
H
hariseldon
Unconfirmed Member
Husky
definitely took one for the team, his game sounds utterly insane. How did
strange headache
even find it?I remember this being shilled in RockPaperShotgun. You have my deepest sympathies...
thief183
- that game has unity asset flip written all over it. You lasted longer than I would have!
cormack12
- The game is terrible but at least appears to have had some effort put into it, unlike some of the others in this list.
MidgarBlowedUp
- Execution is poor but I can almost see slivers of a standard DS shovelware game in there...
Shifty
- I think that game treads a fine line between madness and genius. I'm unsure which side of the line it's on. Epic post though!
strange headache
- yeah that game is properly shit isn't it...
CuNi
- the mangled English in that game.. beautiful.
Kadayi
- thank you for bringing back memories of the legendary Eurotrash.
CrustyBritches
- What the actual fuck was that?
Jae Mara
- I made better games when I was 12 on my old Atari ST ffs!Gentlemen, you are all fucking rockstars. I salute you all.
CuNi
Member
I remember this being shilled in RockPaperShotgun. You have my deepest sympathies...
Gentlemen, you are all fucking rockstars. I salute you all.
You'd be surprised how the story continues!
Truth be told I haven't had much time, as family turned out to be a unescapable hell of obligations and appointments, even during the holidays, and the few sparse hours I had in those last few days I chose to spend recovering from the man made madness inducing hell hole that Hylics is. But I have not forsaken nor forgotten my quest to shed truth into this makabre abomination that escaped the depths of human schizophrenia!
Kanhir
Member
Alright. Do your worst.Alright, remind us again in a week when you're back. Our supply of agony is endless.
Last edited: