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Dating-Age |OT3| Positivity, Confidence, and Not Being a "Nice" Guy

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To give you some perspective. I just went on a second date with this girl I met off of okcupid on Wednesday night. We went to this great tapas place (this is cool because you get to pick things off each other's plate). Then had a drink and talked at a local bar for an hour or two. When I walked her to her car, I hugged her. She said you're making me nervous. <--- This means kiss me you fucking pansy. And I did.

Do it man.
It's a shame that she has to do the initiative and I'm going to change that, I will. Believe me, there were some great moments to kiss her. We were watching a movie while she was sitting on my lap. Was doing everything right, putting my hand between her thighs and slowly moving them up her skirt... She turned her head and I looked at her, faces 10cm away from each other and I just looked away... This happened multiple times and afterwards she even asked me if I was afraid to kiss her back then. Yep... Tomorrow will be another day, a day to make this up to her.
 
How do you guys hit on girls when dancing? I have no problem talking to girls in bars general but when I'm dancing, I have like zero luck. This is a problem because I like dancing and I usually hit the dance floor pretty quickly.

It would be better if you gave a personal story or detailed scenario to work with.

From my experience its not the best move. Unless youre reading clear/strong-but-subtle/undeniable signs of attraction.

Most girls dont want to be bothered on the dance floor.

I'd say if you spot a girl thats showing positive body language and signs to you, sitting by herself/in company, I would take her hand and guide her down to the dance floor. Instead of trying to find a girl in the dance crowd.

If you really want to try I'd say dont hit on her instantaneously. Just dance with her. When the song ends tell her something like, "hey I'll talk to you later you seem like a cool girl". Then move away. Take a break. Drink a beer with your friends. chat. Have a laugh. And then go get a hold of her.

Honestly I have minimal experience in that area. So dont take my complete word on this.
 

Dragon

Banned
I'm not usually very good at finding women on the dance floor.

My positive experiences are narrowed down to a couple of things. Eye contact. This is important, make eye contact and see if she's interested. It can make or break whether or not you feel comfortable making a move. Repeated eye contact and glancing at her and finding her already looking at you is basically an in.

The other thing I like to do is act goofy depending on the song. This is especially important if you don't think you're a good dancer (I've been told by MANY people I'm not). Girls like a guy who's having fun and isn't too scared to be himself. Lady Gaga poker face comes on? Wave your hand in front of your face a couple of times when appropriate in the song. I got a girl to start laughing when I did it once and kicked off a conversation and more.
 
It's a shame that she has to do the initiative and I'm going to change that, I will. Believe me, there were some great moments to kiss her. We were watching a movie while she was sitting on my lap. Was doing everything right, putting my hand between her thighs and slowly moving them up her skirt... She turned her head and I looked at her, faces 10cm away from each other and I just looked away... This happened multiple times and afterwards she even asked me if I was afraid to kiss her back then. Yep... Tomorrow will be another day, a day to make this up to her.

I'm going to recommend doing that. If she perceives that you're OK touching her but not kissing her, it'll send the wrong signals. If it makes it easier, just initiate and let her take the lead.
 
I figure I should post here just because my situation is...well...weird.

Back on New Year's Eve at a big 100 person party I was heavily flirting with a girl that I've been friends with for over 2 years and she was definitely responding. Her ex (breakup 3 months previously) was also there and I think you may see where this is going. He threatened to punch me out if I didn't back off which obviously I ignored.

When I was leaving the party, I went to say goodbye to her and she surprised me with a kiss. Now obviously I'm an idiot because I didn't immediately kiss her back but whatever, I'm not going to worry about that. I talked to her for about 2 hours a couple days later and it comes out that she's had a crush on me for quite a while and etc. This is obviously a good thing.

However, we went out last weekend and she just seemed physically distant. I'm a guy, I like touch. It doesn't have to be crazy or anything, a touch on the arm, an arm around you, whatever. I did all these things and I got nothing back. I don't know if she's nervous or what but it's a confusing message when she's the one that first kissed me (yes, she was tipsy, but she said she didn't regret it).

We'll be out again tonight so I'll have to see how it goes.
 

Combine

Banned
Those things are all building blocks into developing your ideal self if you aren't content with your appearance. No one is sure what is going to work for you personally. It's entirely up to you.

I do know this. nothing will help if you refuse to believe you're capable of positive change.
But what do you do when you yourself do not know what will work for you personally? Because I have never had any success with social interaction, I don't know when I'm doing something right or if I'm always wrong.
Let me first say its a pleasure to conversate with you Combine, especially since youre pretty much the legendary reason for the existance of this topic on GAF. Every poster here owes you credit in one way or another.

What I said earlier was directed at pessimistic demotivation. Im against pessimists that decline themselves opportunities.

Any progression, is solid progression. Little or large, doesnt matter. As long you feel youre moving forward. Everyone's case is individual. As long you keep evolving, you will do no wrong.

If anything, youre doing everything right.
The big problem I have is that I somehow grew up into a huge "end-results" guy and that's all that seems to matter. So, if I don't feel that I've accomplished anything or that there's been any tangible result to this so called progress, then it feels like a failure and another mark against my self. At the moment especially, I am unsure what I could present as "good progress" after all this time to show that there has been improvement.
So has anyone else here given up on online dating?

I just feel it's an awful platform for meeting people at this point.
Yep. It never worked out at all for me. When you start to think about it, it turns the whole social meeting aspect into some kind of a sick job search where you send out applications and hope for a reply, then a phone interview, then an in-person interview, if you're lucky of course.
 

Miguel

Member
Oh hell no. This was the first thing that went through my mind. No way I was gonna do that.

I've figured out a (non-creepy/ won't get me in trouble) plan to talk to her and get her number. Gonna do it tomorrow. I will post results.
I'm intrigued and horrified at the same time.
 

BocoDragon

or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Realize This Assgrab is Delicious
Others may have touched on this already... but seeing the "nice guy" thing in the thread title makes me want to caution others not to misinterpret.

Women love "nice" guys. Being a kind gentleman rules... That's exactly what most of them are looking for (unless they're the kind of trashy mean party girls you only ever see in highschool and cheap clubs, before they've grown up). Women would love a nice, upstanding man, who knows how to take care of them, and do honorable things.

Basically if you still have the juvenile "The Game" fantasy that girls only like asshole gangster boys... think again. That's a fantasy. It may be one tiny part of hook up reality (yeah I know gangster kids always find it easy to pick up dumb sluts), but most people are not hooking up like that.

Being "mean" or "self-centered" or even "cocky" will probably do nothing for your pickup ability. It's an absolute red herring. It won't help you at all.*

*(unless damaged girls who have daddy issues, and love being abused, are your prime target)

But of course, while women love "nice" guys.... they probably won't like "nice guys". ie doormats with no clue what they want, and no personality. The term "nice guy" refers to a kind of stereotype that we can all understand, of a kind of spineless man... but make no mistake: he wasn't actually pathetic because he was nice. There was nothing wrong with him being "nice" when it comes to picking up girls. It's just that, with no strength in his personality and character, being "nice" was the only thing you could say about him...

You should probably be a person of character who goes for what he wants. But being nice/mean? Has nothing to do with it whatsoever.
 

hipgnosis

Member
So I spent the whole evening with my ex. We hadn't seen in months and I feared things would be really awkward. We were a bit wary at first, but soon after we were talking and hanging out like nothing had happened. It was a bit weird to be in that place again. We both had a good time and she texted me as soon as she left that she had a great time and I cheered her up tremendously. She is also moving close to me in a week so we made plans to hang around more in the future.

The thing is, after this night I realised I'm really over her. I had great time, but now that she left I'm not upset at all and don't think about being in a rl with her in the future. I'm really glad we can be such close friends again though.
 
But what do you do when you yourself do not know what will work for you personally? Because I have never had any success with social interaction, I don't know when I'm doing something right or if I'm always wrong.

The big problem I have is that I somehow grew up into a huge "end-results" guy and that's all that seems to matter. So, if I don't feel that I've accomplished anything or that there's been any tangible result to this so called progress, then it feels like a failure and another mark against my self. At the moment especially, I am unsure what I could present as "good progress" after all this time to show that there has been improvement.

Yep. It never worked out at all for me. When you start to think about it, it turns the whole social meeting aspect into some kind of a sick job search where you send out applications and hope for a reply, then a phone interview, then an in-person interview, if you're lucky of course.

Combine the first thing you need to do is just try and socialise more without the intention of having sex. You need to put yourself into more regular social situations where you can meet girls. Until you become comfortable just talking to them in a regular setting you will struggle to try and talk to them when looking for sex.

Reading your last paragraph it really sounds like you are approaching this whole thing the wrong way. Get to know people from your work and socialise with them. Join up at some sort of club (sport, chess, dancing whatever tickles your fancy). Join up at the local gym as well. Just see what sort of people you can meet and talk to in regular situations. There will be a lot less pressure on you just talking to these people than trying to chat up girls (and you won't have to worry about reaching the 'end result' or not).

Good progress is when you start feeling more comfortable holding conversations with people. That should be your goal and that will be the most important stop for you too take. Don't worry about the whole sex thing as this is a much more important thing in your life. Once you are more comfortable in social settings i think that problem will be much easier to solve anyway.

I kinda wish i knew you in person so i could take you out to a few places cause you sound like a good guy. I'm sure you can find people who want to be friends with you.

Even stand up or laying down 69? I do like me a 69.

Well I guess she just has some minor insecurity or trust issues. Could be like that when you havent been together for that long. Or what do I know.

I mean at all. She has some major insecurity issues because of what happened to her as a child and because of the way guys have treated her as an adult (mostly because she has been a walkover). We have been together for 4 years now and things have improved a bit as she gets comfortable with me but it's slow going.

My biggest concern is she doesn't really know how to have a vaginal orgasm and this makes me sad really. She is missing out on so much but she just can't let herself relax and enjoy it.
 
So has anyone else here given up on online dating?

I just feel it's an awful platform for meeting people at this point.

How do you guys able to get replies, let alone meetings/dates anyway off okcupid or whatnots? Maybe there is a whole series ettiquette involved. For whatever reason my experience (started using okcupid two weeks ago) have been pretty much talking to myself - no one has replied or even seems interested to chat
 

Doomsayer

Member
I just got out of a four year relationship, so I will probably pop in here from time to time.

I still have trouble meeting women at bars and clubs. /shrug
 

Combine

Banned
Combine the first thing you need to do is just try and socialise more without the intention of having sex. You need to put yourself into more regular social situations where you can meet girls. Until you become comfortable just talking to them in a regular setting you will struggle to try and talk to them when looking for sex.
First, thank you for taking the time to write out such a long and detailed post. Regarding the above, I don't believe I've been approaching situations with the intent to have sex. Simply put, sex is something that I honestly really do not expect at all, especially through social situations. I cannot recall a time when I've ever approached a girl thinking of sex. Though, that could be because whenever I see a very sexually attractive girl, I never approach them at all, since they usually are already taken or well out of my league. All I can do is watch.
Reading your last paragraph it really sounds like you are approaching this whole thing the wrong way. Get to know people from your work and socialise with them. Join up at some sort of club (sport, chess, dancing whatever tickles your fancy). Join up at the local gym as well. Just see what sort of people you can meet and talk to in regular situations. There will be a lot less pressure on you just talking to these people than trying to chat up girls (and you won't have to worry about reaching the 'end result' or not).
Well, I go to two gyms actually, and have a personal trainer. I can usually make some small talk with him and other members at that one gym (the other gym is a regular public gym and there's no one there to talk to that's under 70 it seems). I make small talk with my co-workers (soon to be ex-coworkers once my job ends really soon :*( ) as well. But the thing is, the small talk never seems to go anywhere. I freely admit I'm a horrid conversationalist and have zero clue whether someone is enjoying talking to me or not. So, I can small talk people just fine, but nothing else seems to happen. I'm honestly not sure what is supposed to happen (maybe nothing?) after a lot of small talk.
Good progress is when you start feeling more comfortable holding conversations with people. That should be your goal and that will be the most important stop for you too take. Don't worry about the whole sex thing as this is a much more important thing in your life. Once you are more comfortable in social settings i think that problem will be much easier to solve anyway.
Hmm. Honestly I don't know if I've made much progress then. I definitely feel I still have shy tendencies while talking to someone because I sometimes catch myself not looking into people's eyes or perhaps talking in a very low volume. And that's when I'm able to catch myself, so who knows how bad it is when I'm not even focusing on it.
I kinda wish i knew you in person so i could take you out to a few places cause you sound like a good guy. I'm sure you can find people who want to be friends with you.
Well, that's kind of you to say. I seem to get that a lot when it comes to people online. When it comes to real life though, so far haven't found that same sentiment anywhere. But it's a hard thing for me to grasp that someone would actually want to be friends with me, since I'm not so sure what benefit I can offer anyone for giving me that privilege.
 

Furio53

Member
Others may have touched on this already... but seeing the "nice guy" thing in the thread title makes me want to caution others not to misinterpret.

Women love "nice" guys. Being a kind gentleman rules... That's exactly what most of them are looking for (unless they're the kind of trashy mean party girls you only ever see in highschool and cheap clubs, before they've grown up). Women would love a nice, upstanding man, who knows how to take care of them, and do honorable things.

Basically if you still have the juvenile "The Game" fantasy that girls only like asshole gangster boys... think again. That's a fantasy. It may be one tiny part of hook up reality (yeah I know gangster kids always find it easy to pick up dumb sluts), but most people are not hooking up like that.

Being "mean" or "self-centered" or even "cocky" will probably do nothing for your pickup ability. It's an absolute red herring. It won't help you at all.*

*(unless damaged girls who have daddy issues, and love being abused, are your prime target)

But of course, while women love "nice" guys.... they probably won't like "nice guys". ie doormats with no clue what they want, and no personality. The term "nice guy" refers to a kind of stereotype that we can all understand, of a kind of spineless man... but make no mistake: he wasn't actually pathetic because he was nice. There was nothing wrong with him being "nice" when it comes to picking up girls. It's just that, with no strength in his personality and character, being "nice" was the only thing you could say about him...

You should probably be a person of character who goes for what he wants. But being nice/mean? Has nothing to do with it whatsoever.

Agreed. It boils down to this for me:

girls like assholes, women like men.
 

Dragon

Banned
How do you guys able to get replies, let alone meetings/dates anyway off okcupid or whatnots? Maybe there is a whole series ettiquette involved. For whatever reason my experience (started using okcupid two weeks ago) have been pretty much talking to myself - no one has replied or even seems interested to chat

I don't get many replies but the replies I do get are people that are interested in ME. Here's what I do:

1. Make sure your profile is filled out with information about you. Make sure people can get an insight not only into your life (not too much!) but into your personality.

2. The first message should be short (two, three paragraphs). Make sure to ask a question about something you found interesting on her profile. It's important for her to think you actually read it. Way too many people just spam the same message over and over again.

3. Never use emoticons or jk or whatever.

For instance, you find a girl that just moved to your city from your hometown or someplace you know. A message like:

Hey how are you? I moved here from Chicago four years ago. What made you move here besides the great weather?

It really doesn't have to be anything more than that. Writing a long message is a waste of time. Most times the fact that you're a normal dude will stand out among the masses of creepy old men and high school dropouts.

Even so, most likely you won't receive a response. It's a numbers game online. Find another interesting attractive woman and message her!

Hope this helps!
 
I don't get many replies but the replies I do get are people that are interested in ME. Here's what I do:

1. Make sure your profile is filled out with information about you. Make sure people can get an insight not only into your life (not too much!) but into your personality.

2. The first message should be short (two, three paragraphs). Make sure to ask a question about something you found interesting on her profile. It's important for her to think you actually read it. Way too many people just spam the same message over and over again.

3. Never use emoticons or jk or whatever.

For instance, you find a girl that just moved to your city from your hometown or someplace you know. A message like:



It really doesn't have to be anything more than that. Writing a long message is a waste of time. Most times the fact that you're a normal dude will stand out among the masses of creepy old men and high school dropouts.

Even so, most likely you won't receive a response. It's a numbers game online. Find another interesting attractive woman and message her!

Hope this helps!

Thanks for taking the time and reply. I was getting really discouraged because 1) I really just wanted to try it out to meet people, not even for sex purposes; and 2) I tried messaging people who actually viewed my profiles first, but no one responded.

I will keep on trying!

edit: I really appreciate you giving an example - being on okcupid is like being in a different country and with another language lol
 
You know what sucks??? When I was with my ex-gf I could make her come multiple times during intercourse easy but with my current gf I'm having the hardest time to even make her come once :(
 
Afternoon chaps!

Last night (Friday) I went to a few clubs and bars with friends; I got the numbers of these two girls (one of them lies in a different city though). I didn't talk with them for very long so I don't know whether it's worth contacting them or not.. I guess I should! Should I call or text? I'm thinking text?

You know what sucks??? When I was with my ex-gf I could make her come multiple times during intercourse easy but with my current gf I'm having the hardest time to even make her come once :(

That's her problem, not yours. I was in the same position with my second girlfriend.. some girls are just like that.
 

Black-Box

Member
Hello, I request help, like really need help, I get put in the friend zone so often that it is almost my second part time job.

So really my first question is how do I not be Mr. nice guy

Like I don't be nice guy because I am too afraid to ask them out, but it is just who I am, it is even a joke among everyone I know about how nice I am, to the point that there are better chances of the world ending then me being mean.
I can't help being nice, being anything else feels different, but I think I am friend zoned because I am easy for girls to talk to, like most of my friends have always been female.

also the only girls that have ever liked me are ones I couldn't stand being around for long periods of time. Should I suck it up and date them anyways?

never had a gf and 24, very depressing

I am hoping someone might know a solution, or part of it, also I should note that, I don't go to bars or clubs

and I thank you for any help you can give.
 

soultron

Banned
You know what sucks??? When I was with my ex-gf I could make her come multiple times during intercourse easy but with my current gf I'm having the hardest time to even make her come once :(

Every girl is different.
Also, girls can fake it.

Don't get down on yourself. Have you tried varying things a bit? Lots of foreplay before hand too?
 

overcast

Member
I think I may have popped my GF's cherry (like I said before we are both virgins) while fingering her. Not 100% sure if I did or didn't, but there was blood all over my hands. She was in pain after.

Should have stopped, pretty dumb of me.
 

Amagon

Member
I think I may have popped my GF's cherry (like I said before we are both virgins) while fingering her. Not 100% sure if I did or didn't, but there was blood all over my hands. She was in pain after.

Should have stopped, pretty dumb of me.
Were you using this???

ddvZy.jpg
 

Mr.Fresh

Member
So I just asked this girl out that i knew from high school and she said "Sure we could go on a date for Valentine's day but I'm moving to Virginia on March 1st. " I'm mad as hell. I really liked her to. But I didn't realize how much I liked her until I went to her house and got some one on one time with her last weekend.
 
I just signed up for Okcupid should i be completely honest i never been out on a date before.

What are my chances of finding someone who would date a not so good looking guy.
For those of you who use the site or a similar site does it work?
 

Black-Box

Member
I just signed up for Okcupid should i be completely honest i never been out on a date before.

What are my chances of finding someone who would date a not so good looking guy.
For those of you who use the site or a similar site does it work?

I used Okcupid, and I've had a female use it too, I think people spend too much time reading your answers to questions than send messages
 

Black-Box

Member
Do guys only message girls or do girls also message guys?

I assume so, unless you are really good looking or have a fake profile of someone who claims to be cool, I've used a lot of dating sites, all failed, but that was probably because I had a bad profile, might try it again.
 
Really man that kind of sucks i'm starting to regret my decision. i'll still give it a try i mean whats the worst that could happen right. :(
 

Darklord

Banned
I just signed up for Okcupid should i be completely honest i never been out on a date before.

What are my chances of finding someone who would date a not so good looking guy.
For those of you who use the site or a similar site does it work?

Doesn't matter as much if you're not that good looking. Be confident. Be creative in your profile but not overboard or stupid(like don't make your username "Dave1234" but also not "SexSlong69"). Exaggerate a little like a resume, put your good features and maybe make them seem a bit better than they really are and lets just forget those negatives for now. Don't contact 1 girl, contact several at a time. And make the message personal. Girls on those sites would get hundreds of messages so make yours stand out. No copy and pasting, no "Hello, you looked nice would you like to chat?". Point out some things on her profile showing that you read it.

Do guys only message girls or do girls also message guys?

Girls would message hot guys. But even hot ones only get a few, YOU have to me the one to message them and don't feel bummed out if you don't get a reply. In fact expect it.

Really man that kind of sucks i'm starting to regret my decision. i'll still give it a try i mean whats the worst that could happen right. :(

Why regret it? You either get in contact with some women or you don't and nothing changes. It's literally a no lose scenario. Don't be scared to get out there.
 
Doesn't matter as much if you're not that good looking. Be confident. Be creative in your profile but not overboard or stupid(like don't make your username "Dave1234" but also not "SexSlong69"). Exaggerate a little like a resume, put your good features and maybe make them seem a bit better than they really are and lets just forget those negatives for now. Don't contact 1 girl, contact several at a time. And make the message personal. Girls on those sites would get hundreds of messages so make yours stand out. No copy and pasting, no "Hello, you looked nice would you like to chat?". Point out some things on her profile showing that you read it.



Girls would message hot guys. But even hot ones only get a few, YOU have to me the one to message them and don't feel bummed out if you don't get a reply. In fact expect it.



Why regret it? You either get in contact with some women or you don't and nothing changes. It's literally a no lose scenario. Don't be scared to get out there.

Is there some kind of rule/etiquette of asking the girls out on okcupid?what I mean is I once read some gaffers say really one should ask for a date/meeting soon, around the3rd message. That makes a bit sense since that's what the site is for

However, I thought it might be better to just chat first and get a feel. There's actually a girl to talks to me intermittently (she's the only one who has responded), but it's borderline terse, so that got me thinking....
 
Every girl is different.
Also, girls can fake it.

Don't get down on yourself. Have you tried varying things a bit? Lots of foreplay before hand too?

I know every girl is different and I've had her orgasm while I'm performing oral but shit it would be nice if she can come while my penis is inside her
 

Dragon

Banned
Is there some kind of rule/etiquette of asking the girls out on okcupid?what I mean is I once read some gaffers say really one should ask for a date/meeting soon, around the3rd message. That makes a bit sense since that's what the site is for

However, I thought it might be better to just chat first and get a feel. There's actually a girl to talks to me intermittently (she's the only one who has responded), but it's borderline terse, so that got me thinking....

Really depends on the girl. You'd be surprised at how some women just use it as a boredom cure and don't want to meet anyone.

I usually try to ask for the number by the fourth message. I'd rather talk on the phone than the Internet anyway so it really helps to see if you have some chemistry.
 

Darklord

Banned
Is there some kind of rule/etiquette of asking the girls out on okcupid?what I mean is I once read some gaffers say really one should ask for a date/meeting soon, around the3rd message. That makes a bit sense since that's what the site is for

However, I thought it might be better to just chat first and get a feel. There's actually a girl to talks to me intermittently (she's the only one who has responded), but it's borderline terse, so that got me thinking....

Do what you want. If you just wanna chat then do it but if you want to ask them out then yeah, I'd say the 3rd or 4th time would be a good idea.

Oh man i just realized if they do want to meet i don't have a car nor do i know how to drive.

Who gives a shit? I don't have a car. A lot don't in the city. You're over thinking it. Don't think about the negatives. I'm not good looking, oh god I have no car, what do I do?! What do I say?! I regret everything!

Going on dates is meant to be fun. I recommend watching these videos. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KTmbf66z8Dk&feature=list_related&playnext=1&list=SP0AE9F99808E1D6A8 The advise they give is really, really good.
 

Black-Box

Member
What sites would you recommend, I've tried okcupid, plenty of fish, eharmony, should I give them another chance. Also do the type of picture you have make a difference
 
What sites would you recommend, I've tried okcupid, plenty of fish, eharmony, should I give them another chance. Also do the type of picture you have make a difference

I'm personally sticking with okcupid for now. I have heard mixed things about PoF but maybe one day I will give it a shot. Olcupid overall just looks much better put together than PoF. Both are free tho.

I will say it makes me chuckle a bit when practically I have been ignored on okcupid despite the effort I put in, then I got contacted by an older lady on PoF despite having nothing in my profile except a pic
 
I love this thread. I just broke up with my gf and I think I'm ready to start dating again but it's been almost 3 years since the last time I went on a date so I'm very rusty. I'm going to need all the help I can get. Positivity and Confidence aren't really an issue for me (though I do have a bit of a self-steem issue but can hide it very well with self-deprecating humor :p), but not being a "nice" guy has always been the hardest part for me. I need to start working on that ASAP.
 
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