-
Hey, guest user. Hope you're enjoying NeoGAF! Have you considered registering for an account? Come join us and add your take to the daily discourse.
Dating-Age |OT3| Positivity, Confidence, and Not Being a "Nice" Guy
- Thread starter soultron
- Start date
- Status
Hypereides
Member
From Elementry School into junior high I was harassed and mocked by my classmates. I was the outsider. I was labeled as the class clown, outcast and wierdo. I was shut out from any socializing, neglected and denied any friendship by anyone. My parents insisted on moving me to a different school but I was convinced things would change for the better. Nothing changed.
I spent 10 fucking years getting random beatings, abused, bullied, isolated and no respect from my so-called class mates.
By the age of 16 I attended High School, and later in College.... I was a wreck. I had severe anti-social anxiety issues. It took me years to conquer it.
But I set myself a goal and worked myself towards it. If I hadnt done what I did. I wouldve still been there. That guy. With no social skills. No social knowledge. No friends.
Its hard. But if you are content on doing something about it, rest assured you will be rewarded.
So dont tell me about this "shit is hard", Ive been there. Anyone, everyone whose wanted it has started from square zero.
You could be good looking and it wouldnt do shit for you.
It sounds to me like you just arent mingling with the right folks. Because if you dont get the right support, you wont achieve what youre looking for.
You probably dont realise how much youve learned, if you have been doing this for 2 years. Youre probably not useing it effectively or at all.
The big problem I still see here are people still peddling the "cure-all's" of "go to the gym" "get nicer clothes" and "hang out with your friends" shtick. That stuff doesn't work. Lots of us have gone to the gym and gotten better clothes and still haven't made any progress. And we still have zero friends either.
And I'm 5 months into therapy btw, so far that hasn't done much either, and boy has it cost me a ton of money that my lovely health insurance refuses to cover.
And I'm 5 months into therapy btw, so far that hasn't done much either, and boy has it cost me a ton of money that my lovely health insurance refuses to cover.
Then this should be your first priority. Do you have any sort of social outlet at all?
Atramental
Banned
I guess I could try being an active member at my university's Free Thinker club but my design projects and the work that I do at a small web design firm keep me busy.
Hypereides
Member
The big problem I still see here are people peddling the "cure-all's" of "go to the gym" "get nicer clothes" and "hang out with your friends" shtick. That stuff doesn't work. Lots of us have gone to the gym and gotten better clothes and still haven't made any progress. And we still have zero friends either.
And I'm 5 months into therapy btw, so far that hasn't done much either, and boy has it cost me a ton of money that my lovely health insurance refuses to cover.
I think its about time, GAF starts arranging some social go-outs/night-outs. The best support you can get is going out with some compatible and reliable people and get to know each other or just hang out over a beer or two.
If you are at a university you need to capitalize on that shit right now. It gets 10x worse when you are no longer in a college scenario and have to fend for yourself.
I went along to an audition last night, and as soon as I enter, I see this girl, and instantly had this "BOOM" go off in my head. She was my perfect type. I had the confidence to start talking to her. We got along great... she lives with her boyfriend... Oh well, better to have tried than to go 'what if' later on.
You can't make time for this? Or something that requires less of your time?
Hanging out with friends doesn't seem very effective. You need to meet new people if you're going to have any success. Personally, I'm thinking of picking up a few classes at the university. Maybe signing up for some racket sports.
Personally, I think my main problems are:
1. My field of study and my work is dominated by men.
2. My interests and hobbies are dominated by men.
3. I spent far too much time on a girl who liked stringing me along.
4. Moving across the country didn't help. I also lost a lot of friends that way.
5. The friends I have left have no friends, either.
Atramental
Banned
I'll try to make time but that's going to be hard to do considering how erratic my schedule can be sometimes.
The web design firm that I work for is a bit of a wild card. Whenever they email me some work I need to do it sometimes takes me 5 hours to complete.
Well good luck with it mate. A lot of people talk about going to the gym and getting new haircuts etc. but having a group of supportive people around you, be it friends, family or work colleagues is one of the most important things in life I believe.
Hypereides
Member
Got siblings?
I will say that I have the utmost fortune to have the family that I do. If not for them I doubt I'd have gotten this far and managed to keep my sanity through all the shit life threw at me. Sadly, I also know that stronger people could have been tough enough to shrug all that stuff off like teflon and not have it linger and cause self doubt and so forth.
And yeah, it gets so much harder when you're already old and no longer attending any sort of college/university. Then you're pretty much screwed.
while not directed at me it still applies. Since I started this whole dating age thing well over two years ago and haven't progressed much, I'll gladly admit I am pretty dumb/stupid/incompetent/ when it comes to doing things right.
Atramental
Banned
I have a brother (age 19) and a sister (age 15).
My brother is really my only friend but he's back at his college, which is an hour drive from my house.
And my sister and I don't get along very well.
CherryWoodFuton
Member
Anytime you take a girl out for pizza
I got blasted for even suggesting to a girl If she wanted to go out for pizza , she acted too good for that kind of thing.
the girl sounds like a bitch
Hot Coldman
Banned
Who the fuck doesn't like pizza?
Atramental
Banned
Terrible people who don't deserve to see the light of day, that's who.
soundahfekz
Member
The big problem I still see here are people still peddling the "cure-all's" of "go to the gym" "get nicer clothes" and "hang out with your friends" shtick. That stuff doesn't work. Lots of us have gone to the gym and gotten better clothes and still haven't made any progress. And we still have zero friends either.
And I'm 5 months into therapy btw, so far that hasn't done much either, and boy has it cost me a ton of money that my lovely health insurance refuses to cover.
Those things are all building blocks into developing your ideal self if you aren't content with your appearance. No one is sure what is going to work for you personally. It's entirely up to you.
I do know this. nothing will help if you refuse to believe you're capable of positive change.
Hypereides
Member
Let me first say its a pleasure to conversate with you Combine, especially since youre pretty much the legendary reason for the existance of this topic on GAF. Every poster here owes you credit in one way or another.
What I said earlier was directed at pessimistic demotivation. Im against pessimists that decline themselves opportunities.
Any progression, is solid progression. Little or large, doesnt matter. As long you feel youre moving forward. Everyone's case is individual. As long you keep evolving, you will do no wrong.
If anything, youre doing everything right.
Dont underestimate the social value of your siblings or related family. Hang out with your brother. Go out, get a beer or coffee somewhere. Get in the crowd. Sooner or later you'll be approached or approach someone.
The thing with your sister its normal... shes young.
Me and my sister (my only sibling) went through the same phase, till we transended into a more mature mentality.
She knows everything about me, and the same in reverse. All my secrets. All the shit my parents dont know off. Every single shit Ive done.
I talk to her about everything. Sex, movies, daily stuff, food, news, friends etc. etc. We have a mutual understanding for one another.
I would even go as far to saying shes my weakness. She truely is. I cherish her more than anyone. I dont know what I would do without her.
God knows, shes been through some tough shit, and Im glad I was there for her....
The point is... your sibling(s) are probably the most trustworthy friends you got. And you need reliable friends.
If youre bro is out going, call him up some day, go out, chillax at a bar or whatever you fancy.
Charmicarmicat
Banned
You know, you've made me feel a lot better about my personal situation at the moment. I am basically friendless but have two amazing younger brothers I can always rely on.
I posted in the last thread almost a year ago about a girl who flirted like crazy to me yet when I (finally) asked her out she wasn't looking for anything other than friendship. I did what needed to be done and stopped talking to her for almost a year now.
All of a sudden today she contacts me, and we talk and she flirts some but I don't respond to it. She invites me out and asks when I'm coming up around her area.
I KNOW nothing is going to happen here. I KNOW the only way to win her game is not to play. I think it was soultron who posted the following that I adhere'd to:
Is she dating you?
No? Then she doesn't want to or wants to continue playing games.
Yes? Then she likes you enough to actually date you.
God I hate how unraveled I can get over something like this.
All of a sudden today she contacts me, and we talk and she flirts some but I don't respond to it. She invites me out and asks when I'm coming up around her area.
I KNOW nothing is going to happen here. I KNOW the only way to win her game is not to play. I think it was soultron who posted the following that I adhere'd to:
Is she dating you?
No? Then she doesn't want to or wants to continue playing games.
Yes? Then she likes you enough to actually date you.
God I hate how unraveled I can get over something like this.
Hypereides
Member
Nothing is stronger than the bond of blood
Your brothers are a bigger asset than you can even imagine.
Reverse the game. Shes in control.
Agree to meet up.
Whenever she makes a 'move' on you, pull away. Act uninterested. Just to make her wonder 'what the fuck..?'. If she starts engaging you into flirty conversation. Change subject.
Just give her a taste of her own bullshit.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
...anyway Im best signing off. Its WAY past my bed time. Why the fuck am I even up? I need to sleep. Toddles GAF.
Atramental
Banned
Er... let me clarify that bit about my sister.
We don't get a long because she's a self righteous bitch who mocks me for being a "hell bound atheist." She also makes fun of my baldness and my lack of a social life. And I would never share any secrets with her because she blabs about everything to her friends and my mom. This is not a "Oh, she's just a teenager." No. She's a stuck up, self righteous, tattle telling, condescending bitch. That has always been her personality.
SpectreFire
Member
It helps Combine feel more at home.
It's an OT because the last two threads generated 40K+ posts.
I think the thread title was interesting enough so as to pique your interest.
Etrian Oddity
Member
Well, that twat who flirted with me and gave me her number was just an attention whore.
moving along. happy birthday to me, fuck all those dumb and immature bitches out there
moving along. happy birthday to me, fuck all those dumb and immature bitches out there
SpectreFire
Member
So has anyone else here given up on online dating?
I just feel it's an awful platform for meeting people at this point.
I just feel it's an awful platform for meeting people at this point.
Haha xD She was on top, I had nothing to do with it
I have. Froze my account about a week back. Was talking to an amazing looking girl in the next apartment building over and eventually told her I had so much school stuff coming up, which is true, that I would delete my account so if she wanted to continue talking she could add me on facebook. But she hasn't. I don't have a problem with being care free around okay looking cute girls, but when they look like a blond bomb shell, there comes the big old pedestal again! >_<
SpectreFire
Member
I'm just about ready to freeze my account. As I mentioned in my earlier post, I think I've come far enough in my own personal development that I'm not actually completely reliant on online dating anymore. I feel I can just go out and talk to people, and be far more comfortable in that environment than I would in any date set up online.
There's just one more girl left on OKCupid that I need to get some closure on. Long story short, she's 3 years older than me and doesn't want to go out on a date because of the age gap. She feels we're at different parts in our lives and for the past couple of weeks, we've still been chatting, and I've still been teasingly bugging her about it. Tonight, I think I might've convinced her enough to get her to think about it, hopefully that's the case. She asked me why I was so persistent, and I straight up told her that it's because I'm still fucking 22, I haven't discovered the world "impossible" yet, and that I think she's cute and would possibly be very awesome to date. Oh, and that I'm straight up going to be better than any of the other senile old farts she's been on dates with. Either way, The fact that she hasn't outright stopped talking to me in any sense, means she's either an attention whore, or there's still some sort of possibility she's interested. She said that if I was 8 years old, she'd jump on it. Yeah yeah, take everything with a grain of salt, I am, but still, once I get satisfactory and definitive closure on this (good or bad), then I'm saying goodbye to online dating. Until whenever I might end up needing its services once again.
Sometimes I wonder (hope) you're actually a joke character who puts on a show with this defeatist attitude. Otherwise...you've got your work cut out for you. Because you HAVE to change this. If you keep this attitude, you keep telling yourself you're"'just stupid", which becomes a justification for not doing anything/enough since "you'll fail anyway". Then you won't make any progress and you'll see that. The cycle continues. Note the quotation marks around fail, they're not my words. This is how YOU think about YOURSELF. If you do fail you can't help it since it's just the way you are. Fuck that shit. ANYONE can make progress. And somehow change the way you are. I did, and so did a whole lot of other people in this thread.
And I just refuse to believe you haven't made ANY progress in two years with extremely sound advice from these threads AND going to therapy. Progress takes work and time you have to invest. Unless there's actually something physically wrong in your brain, in which case medication might help, though I'm admittedly far from an expert on that.
AdventureRacing
Member
She does let me use my fingers so i can get her off that way. She has just experienced a few personal things which make it really difficult for her to enjoy sex. It's just a mental barrier that she is struggling to overcome but i'm not going to rush her.
Baconsaurus Rex
Member
Thanks for the suggestion, will check it out. Any more suggestions guys? Or any other things you can do besides watching a movie when your girl is coming over?
Just to drill it home - confidence is very important guys. I finished a workout and was getting some groceries, drenched in sweat and post workout endorphins and a checkout girl who was attractive flirted with me and asked what I was doing tomorrow, gave me her number and we're meeting up for a drink tomorrow evening, I think she's a little young (~19) but i'll see where it takes us.
CF_Fighter
Member
Are you me in another city? Seriously you mirror my entire childhood and early adult life in terms of socialization. Like you I've been conquering it over the last few years and it has payed off in spades, in terms of having a more enjoyable life overall.
It'd be good to get going, but I doubt anything would happen from it.
Also slightly OT but is anyone here in a band whilst also working full-time? It's something I've always wanted to do, not only for confidence, but to gig with friends. My only fear is when I get a full-time job I wont have the time to do such a thing.
Hypereides
Member
Even stand up or laying down 69? I do like me a 69.
Well I guess she just has some minor insecurity or trust issues. Could be like that when you havent been together for that long. Or what do I know.
Im pretty thankful and lucky that I met the right people down the road, by the end of my teens.
If I was that guy I was back then, I wouldnt even have the courage to post or ask for help in this thread.
I used to get teary eyed whenever I was talking to somebody. Couldnt even look anyone in the eye. There was an immense pre-set judgemental pressure programmed into my mind that every person was searching for any flaw about me.
What instrument do you play?
Like I said. Shes young. A child. Shes still doesnt know shit about the adult life and what its like.
You need to act like a mature adult here and take charge. But disregard your sister. Focus on hanging out with your brother.
Baconsaurus Rex
Member
Dear mother of fucking god! Why am I such a bitch god dammit. I'm fucking up this whole relationship because I'm too much of a bitch to kiss her. Goddammmmmit!
In identifying your problem, you've also found the solution. Kiss her.
Hypereides
Member
Guitar.
I know a few guys who are up for it, and one of those guys is seriously hoping this could go somewhere (he's essentially the reincarnation of Jeff Buckley).
It'd be a hell of a lot of fun to do, and I think it would help me meet new people whilst also improving my confidence.
Baconsaurus Rex
Member
Yeah I know who the problem is, me. Unfortunately, me is a pussy. I'm encouraging me all the time to make that move, to show that I truly love my girlfriend. But it just isn't working. The funny thing is, is that I'm willing to and not scared to go to the 'next step' in my relationship but I still am too much of a bitch to simply kiss her.
Next time... next time, I will...
Hypereides
Member
To give you some perspective. I just went on a second date with this girl I met off of okcupid on Wednesday night. We went to this great tapas place (this is cool because you get to pick things off each other's plate). Then had a drink and talked at a local bar for an hour or two. When I walked her to her car, I hugged her. She said you're making me nervous. <--- This means kiss me you fucking pansy. And I did.
Do it man.
- Status