Deserved it.
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Girl-Gaf - A thread for girls.
- Thread starter shanshan310
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Deserved it.
Devolution
Member
She's going to be a victim of his stupidity if she hasn't already. Have you tried getting another woman to approach her?
I got a cousin to talk to her and she got the same response I did just worse.
"If I don't look out for him who will?" Etc
Devolution
Member
Stupid 15 year olds. Just be there for her when the inevitable happens.
Femmeworth
Banned
If she cares so much, why doesn't she slap some sense into him? *shakes head* She'll learn one way or another.
BladeWorker
Member
So far from what you've said she's a smart girl blinded by an attraction. What she's basing her attraction on is probably beyond us, but nonetheless...
Honour her independence and smarts by supporting her decisions, but asking questions that will get her thinking about - not defending - her actions.
Where does she see this relationship going? Is she really into this guy, does she think he'll change for her? Is spending her energy saving him is good for the relationship - or for her?
What makes her feel like she has to defend someone who makes trouble for himself?
Asking her questions - just in an inquisitive, rather than interrogatory fashion - might get her to think about how much she really wants this messy drama in her life. If she really does want the drama, if she really wants to feel like she's saving someone, then there's something else at work. But if she's doing something out of some misguided sense of what is right and what you do for people you care about...she'll figure out that sometimes, mental energy is best preserved for those who can reciprocate.
Putting her in a position where she feels she has to defend the guy puts you in the same place as all those other people attacking him (rightly or wrongly). Given your relationship with her, you might stand a fair shot at reaching out, rather than trying to pull her in.
But if hanging out with that dude winds up with her hurt? Call the cops on the asshole.
I like this.
I just really, really hope that this doesn't turn into a trend for her.
Hey! I saw this post after you made it, but then I was reading about the rather unfortunate situation DY is trying to deal with and forgot to respond.
Anyway, Guyland really is a great book. When I was reading through the topic earlier, I saw your post talking about it and EviLore's suggestion that you make it into a topic.
And I do think you should also read that book I'm reading now called Sexual Harassment and Bullying: A Guide To Keeping Kids Safe and Holding Schools Accountable that I mentioned to you - and if nothing else the section in Chapter 9 called "The Root Cause: Patriarchy." I know you read part of it from the Amazon preview, but the whole five or six pages is the best explanation of what patriarchy is and how patriarchy is responsible for so many of the issues with sexual harassment, directed both towards boys and girls, that I've come across.
And in some ways it is actually striking seeing how some of the things the author talks about throughout in the book play out in interactions / discussions about issues of gender between men and women on the forum, in a similar way that when you read Guyland, you can see the first principle assumptions that some posters are making about gender roles or how they define masculinity at work in their posts.
timetokill
Banned
DY: Sounds like you gave her the chance to figure shit out, but she is too stuck in "high school girl" mode to look at the situation objectively. So you need to step in and deal with it.
My little sister went through a lot of this shit too. One ended with threats on our family that had to be handled with a restraining order. Just be careful about it getting out of hand. Those high school relationships can turn on a dime. Especially if she suddenly realizes she wants out, and decides to "let him down easy." He could flip his shit and get violent.
My little sister went through a lot of this shit too. One ended with threats on our family that had to be handled with a restraining order. Just be careful about it getting out of hand. Those high school relationships can turn on a dime. Especially if she suddenly realizes she wants out, and decides to "let him down easy." He could flip his shit and get violent.
The Anti-Monitor
Banned
Yeah, OKCupid would be a good place to start. Avoid POF like the plague though.
And DY, I think stepping in is the best approach. Don't have little sisters, but had friends that were like that.
I've got a pretty bog extended family and most of the time I was the one playing big brother vs the douchebag. It just got really tiring to get one jerk out the picture and watch him be replaced with a perfect replica two months later.
I've got no issue jumping in. This is just such a weird dynamic... I'd rather it play out now, so that she can have the entire experience out of the way early when its just kids and high school than jump in and see this repeat itself when she's got a career to lose.
I've never seen a relationship like it. Just wondered if its really that rare or something that I've just been lucky enough not to encounter yet.
I've got no issue jumping in. This is just such a weird dynamic... I'd rather it play out now, so that she can have the entire experience out of the way early when its just kids and high school than jump in and see this repeat itself when she's got a career to lose.
I've never seen a relationship like it. Just wondered if its really that rare or something that I've just been lucky enough not to encounter yet.
I tried eHarmony once (lol) and no one really cared to message me. So I stopped giving them money, haha.
DY, good luck with your sister. I hope she'll be okay.
The Anti-Monitor
Banned
You had to pay?I tried eHarmony once (lol) and no one really cared to message me. So I stopped giving them money, haha.
DY, good luck with your sister. I hope she'll be okay.
I still would suggest OKcupid, at the very least as a mean to boost your confidence. And you can message people too you know
Sure, POF is good if you want to open a gallery of random guys' dicks and stand their manchildren needy attitude. Why didn't you message me, why do you ignore me, where are you, please reply, it's been 20 minutes since you last messaged me! And I found ridiculous it didn't seem to acknowledge bisexual people.
OKcupid is far from perfect, but at least someone put some thought into the page.
I tried eHarmony once (lol) and no one really cared to message me. So I stopped giving them money, haha.
DY, good luck with your sister. I hope she'll be okay.
I find that hard to believe, beautiful~
I'm pretty sure you're going to get that on every dating site, especially OKCupid. In fact, female friends have told me many horror stories about that site. I'll give you the "bisexuality" point though.
The Anti-Monitor
Banned
So... You want me to change my personal experience with them or...? I'm recommending based on my experiences, and OKcupid has less people, it's more manageable and I think with all the crap like questions and such she'll have an easier time to use it as a starting point.
I can say that both genders are equally messed up on POF. That, and POF is the only site that takes away features and moves them behind a paywall as times goes on.
That, and OkCupid tends to be more "open" about the process than POF. I feel like I'm going in blind half the time on POF compared to OkC.
What? That isn't what I said at all.
Right, and I was giving advice based on the experiences of my friends who had received boatloads of creepy messages there. And I believe this brings us to an impasse.
You had to pay?
I still would suggest OKcupid, at the very least as a mean to boost your confidence. And you can message people too you know
Yeh, eHarmony is lame haha. I messaged a couple guys and most ignored me. One, I went for a coffee with and after, he deleted me lol. I must have been super boring.
I might try sometime... Probably want to lose more weight and get a better job first though...
Billie, believe it bb.
Femmeworth
Banned
I tried to go on a date through Okcupid about two years ago. I got stood up. ;_;
Professor Beef
Banned
iknowthatfeel.jpg
I actually SAW the person I was going on a blind date with (since we sent each other pictures beforehand), and she kept right on walking. :|
BladeWorker
Member
Everyone who's tried online dating has at least one horror story. It comes with the territory of actively looking through the giant haystack to find that shiny needle.
This is random but I need advice from girl-gaf for my sister.
She has someone who has feelings for her, but she clearly doesn't and just wants to remain friends with the guy.
She has already conveyed this to him, but he is not getting the message. My sister is the type of person who has very little experience dating, and is entirely focused on her education (post-grad).
She also has a very hard time telling guys who are interested in her, to back off when she is not interested.
What advice can you give to my sister?
I already told her to be upfront and honest, and she has done that, and the guy is not getting the message. She would like to remain friends with the dude, because she likes to discuss topics dealing with science and she thinks he is nice.
So she wants to avoid cutting off the relationship completely. Personally I don't think it is possible for their friendship to remain intact, so that is why I am asking you guys.
She has someone who has feelings for her, but she clearly doesn't and just wants to remain friends with the guy.
She has already conveyed this to him, but he is not getting the message. My sister is the type of person who has very little experience dating, and is entirely focused on her education (post-grad).
She also has a very hard time telling guys who are interested in her, to back off when she is not interested.
What advice can you give to my sister?
I already told her to be upfront and honest, and she has done that, and the guy is not getting the message. She would like to remain friends with the dude, because she likes to discuss topics dealing with science and she thinks he is nice.
So she wants to avoid cutting off the relationship completely. Personally I don't think it is possible for their friendship to remain intact, so that is why I am asking you guys.
Femmeworth
Banned
If he hasn't gotten the message by now, she needs to cut him loose.
That's very naive of her.
timetokill
Banned
Not gonna happen. If he's into her, he's into her for the attraction, not for the conversation. I'm gonna guess he's not going to be okay with the "oh, it's cool, I'm super attracted to you but yeah, let's talk about SCIENCE" situation she's hoping for.
She has two options:
a) String him along so that she can get the benefits she wants out of the relationship (talking about science, sharing her feelings). She'll have to deal with constantly having to "reject" him without him thinking he's been rejected. Which honestly doesn't seem like it will be too hard if he hasn't gotten the message so far. Also known as "friendzoning him." She may luck out if he ends up getting attracted to another girl that actually reciprocates, but generally the longer he spends in this mode the more attached he'll get, leading to a painful, messy problem later.
b) Do the right thing, tell him she's not interested and that it would be best if they didn't hang out together anymore. She'll lose a science buddy and it will hurt his feelings, but it will be the best thing to do in the long run.
Devolution
Member
I realize we're easy to find here but can any future questions please be in
http://www.neogaf.com/forum/showthread.php?t=445417
this thread so it gets bumped and this doesn't become the de facto ask girls stuff again.
http://www.neogaf.com/forum/showthread.php?t=445417
this thread so it gets bumped and this doesn't become the de facto ask girls stuff again.
I apologize, I thought since it was advice for my sister, it would be okay.
Anyway, I will tell her what she needs to hear. Thanks everyone.
Devolution
Member
Nah it's cool, I don't mind the sis questions actually. But we're bound to get other kinds of questions is all.
The Anti-Monitor
Banned
At my cousin's wedding now. Nothing like hearing from all the ultra-conservative family how they want me to get married as soon as possible and leave the "slut-phase" behind.
Can't wait till the part where it's socially acceptable to get drunk.
Can't wait till the part where it's socially acceptable to get drunk.
Al-ibn Kermit
Junior Member
If, like you say, the thing she gets from the relationship is giving pity/sympathy, then it could be a bad idea to get physically involved.
Does the boy have no friends to shame him for acting like such a douche?
Does the boy have no friends to shame him for acting like such a douche?
Femmeworth
Banned
Probably for something in the "Rape Capital" thread. :\ Hopefully it's not for long.So ... how did Devo get banned?
Professor Beef
Banned
Her first ban? I thought she had been banned before?
Femmeworth
Banned
I believe she has before.
Definitely. Her ferocity is one of the things I like about her. <3
The Israel thread is proof that even I have a little bit of that untamed animal in me. Rawr.
shanshan310
Member
Oh no Devo...
Devo...Oh no
No worries. I'm sure it isn't permanent.
XiaNaphryz
LATIN, MATRIPEDICABUS, DO YOU SPEAK IT
She's definitely had her share of bannage in the past.
Not what I understood from here
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