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A woman at work never asks you non-work-related questions and generally shows no interest in having a reciprocal conversation. How do you respond?
Kamina
Golden Boy
Some people want to keep work and private separate at all costs.
This might be the reason she doesn’t say or ask much about private matters.
If I were you, i would be normal towards her. Talk to her when you must, but leave her alone otherwise.
Skipping good morning or goodbye is not a good idea though, however you dont need to adress her direcly anyway. Just walk in and say “good morning“ (not “good morning Janice“ for example).
In the end, you cant make her want to talk to you. If she doesnt like to then leave her be, but dont act cold towards her as that will just make it more difficult.
This might be the reason she doesn’t say or ask much about private matters.
If I were you, i would be normal towards her. Talk to her when you must, but leave her alone otherwise.
Skipping good morning or goodbye is not a good idea though, however you dont need to adress her direcly anyway. Just walk in and say “good morning“ (not “good morning Janice“ for example).
In the end, you cant make her want to talk to you. If she doesnt like to then leave her be, but dont act cold towards her as that will just make it more difficult.
I was being sarcastic. The poster I responded to is an attention-seeking bitch who has a problem with my posts in the Coronavirus OT. Specifically my criticism of British hand washing habits and my use of the Daily Mail as a news source.
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Foamy
Unconfirmed Member
Yeaaaah, no doubt about it, OP is creepy AF.
TaySan
Banned
He said he wasn't looking for a relationship, but yea this is good advice.
Don't shit where you eat OP.
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ph33rknot
Banned
Assault bro you confronted her
kingwingin
Member
Wouldn't know what that's like. Women love me
It's not about making her want to talk to me. I'm not the sort of person who forces people to like me. I tried a few times and got nowhere and decided to go cold towards her because I got fed up of pretending to be nice to someone unpleasant. After a while of pretending to be nice, you start to feel like a fool. Yeah, things are more sour now that I've gone cold towards her, but I feel better knowing she won't get the satisfaction of me always being nice and polite regardless of her antisocial bs.
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Chairman Tickles
Banned
You ever seen Stuck porn? Just wait for her to get stuck in a dishwasher or window and then you know the rest.
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Foamy
Unconfirmed Member
* security video of OP following coworker to the gym
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Foamy
Unconfirmed Member
Double post
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newtypepilot
Member
need pics
sounds like OP tried to hit on her and creeped her out by asking too many personal questions. Do your work and keep your conversations work related.
sounds like OP tried to hit on her and creeped her out by asking too many personal questions. Do your work and keep your conversations work related.
Kamina
Golden Boy
So since you have already decided to respond in an antisocial way yourself regardless, why make this thread and ask for our opinions?
And why do you feel like a fool when you are kind to someone unkind? If anything that shows someones strenght when being able to remain kind under such circumstances.
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Stilton Disco
Member
Just ignore her and make sure you're on good terms with everyone else you work with.
If you speak to anyone about it, take it to your line manager and tell them her passive aggressive attitude is making you uncomfortable and that you've decided to maintain a professional distance from her so as to not affect your work. Don't go into detail about it like you have here, just say you treated her like everyone else but she seems to have some sort of prejudice against you.
You don't want to make a formal complaint, but letting someone in authority know she's got an irrational issue with you will help you out down the road, should she start stiring shit.
If you speak to anyone about it, take it to your line manager and tell them her passive aggressive attitude is making you uncomfortable and that you've decided to maintain a professional distance from her so as to not affect your work. Don't go into detail about it like you have here, just say you treated her like everyone else but she seems to have some sort of prejudice against you.
You don't want to make a formal complaint, but letting someone in authority know she's got an irrational issue with you will help you out down the road, should she start stiring shit.
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Kagey K
Banned
I would always reply as vaguely condescending as possible and end it with a question that sounded like a sentence to see if she’s paying attention.
For example:
What did you do this weekend?
Oh not much kind of sat in with the old lady and watched movies, partway through the night the cat got sick and started shitting blood. On Saturday he puked but it didn’t look good yet. We are thinking about taking him to the doctor, but it might pass.
I imagine you have some experience with sick cats, you would say he’s fine.
If she says Uh huh, sure or anything like that she isn’t listening.
If she asks you further questions that are relevant to that conversation she at least heard a bit.
You know she never listened to you previously if she says....
You got a girlfriend?
You got a cat?
You have an apartment?
You still here?
Those would be the worst case scenario.
For example:
What did you do this weekend?
Oh not much kind of sat in with the old lady and watched movies, partway through the night the cat got sick and started shitting blood. On Saturday he puked but it didn’t look good yet. We are thinking about taking him to the doctor, but it might pass.
I imagine you have some experience with sick cats, you would say he’s fine.
If she says Uh huh, sure or anything like that she isn’t listening.
If she asks you further questions that are relevant to that conversation she at least heard a bit.
You know she never listened to you previously if she says....
You got a girlfriend?
You got a cat?
You have an apartment?
You still here?
Those would be the worst case scenario.
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and 3 others
Banned
OP, you just described my exact interaction I've been having with a woman at my work. Except, she's the one who is constantly trying to talk and "get along" with me. So from my perspective, please leave me alone!
GHG
Member
Nah fam, if you're new put your head down and get on with the job, don't get up in people's business immediately. The banter will come naturally once you have established rapport with your new colleagues over time.
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GHG
Member
I get that but the reality is not everyone likes or appreciates small talk, especially not with new people who they don't know anything about.
Basically read the room then act accordingly, don't go in all guns blazing from the get go.
If she's happy to talk to everyone else but the OP then he's the one who is likely to have done something at some point that put her off. Now he has to start from -100 which is far more difficult than starting at 0.
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Elektro Demon
Banned
Just let it go bruv.
GHG
Member
It's right there in the first paragraph man:
This man went in there and assumed everyone wants to talk about this stuff.
They don't, especially not with the new guy who should STFU and get on with his job.
jufonuk
not tag worthy
Cannot agree enough.
LemmingWithaParachute
Banned
Ive got it.
Leave a chicken nugget on her desk and see if she eats it.
Leave a chicken nugget on her desk and see if she eats it.
Kadayi
Banned
Go back to being civil. By reflecting her attitude to you you've fallen into reinforcing her low opinion of you:
Don't reflect their behaviour because it just gives them justification to carry on.
Right now you're that Bitch Eating Crackers. By ignoring her, you're basically making it that much easier for her to apply that mental model to you, but if you treat her no differently than anyone else on the team it ultimately makes it much harder for her to maintain that model. Always put the effort on the other party to be frosty.
Try my earlier suggestion and see if that gets you any traction. Asking people for advice/help in an office environment is a great way of building rapport because you're essentially indicating to them that you value their competence/knowledge. 'Hey Jan sorry to disturb you but I'm really struggling with this formula, and I believe you're the expert on Excel, so would you be able to give me a couple of minutes to show me where I went wrong? ' Cap off the encounter with something akin to a ' 'Thank you very much for your time' or 'I really appreciate your help'' or even a simple 'You're a star'. Statements like that will go a long way towards forcing a person to have to re-evaluate their mental model of you, and that's ultimately what you need to achieve. If you can do it in a group situation even better, as you're essentially demonstrating to the tribe that you hold them in esteem. Adopting a deferring tone might initially grate with your ego (swallow your pride), but the ends justify the means.*
Also, the next day, when you first see them say hello and then and follow it up with a reminder 'Hi Jan, 'Thanks for yesterday, that was super helpful. I really appreciate the assist'. That way you're starting the day with giving them a major boost which will completely disrupt their routine ritual of seeing you come in and reverting to 'Look at that Bitch eating Crackers' mode. It puts them in the situation of having to re-evaluate you because new information has come to light that fucks with the existing mental model.
^Rinse/repeat
Your aim is to build up a rapport with them through the work, once that reaches a healthy level, then you can start to look at breaking out from there and building reciprocity 'Thanks for that Jan. I'm going to get a Coffee, do you want me to get you anything?'
Also, work on building up really good relationships with everyone else in the office. I make it a habit of always saying hello to everyone I encounter, asking them how their weekends were on a Monday morning, and in the afternoon if I meet people in the kitchen I like to use phrases like 'How's it going? ' Or 'are you winning?' which are more open-ended and require some thought on their part and most importantly use their name. Always. Most of the time it's the usual pat responses, but the point is, I'm demonstrating consistent behaviour across the board.
*There are people I don't overly like where I work and vice versa. My current boss, for instance, isn't anywhere near as competent or knowledgable as upper management think and I privately enjoy seeing them flounder at times, but I keep that Schadenfreude under wraps. However, as far as conduct goes I treat everyone equally and I'm not afraid occasionally ask someone for assistance/for their opinion in order to build rapport (even if I already know the answer). I wouldn't say I'm ultimately friendly with any of these people, but I've made it damn hard for them to find excuses to actively hate me.
Most importantly though, do the work. Get really good at your job. In the 80/20 principle, you want to be firmly in the 20% camp. If you free up, ask people if you can assist. Be helpful. Competence carries weight.
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nikolino840
Member
You want to f*** her?
Becouse i don't believe you care with male co workers
Becouse i don't believe you care with male co workers
morning_star
Neo Member
You probably did something that made her feel uncomfortable around you. At one point in my life I worked at a place for a few months where one of the co-workers was this friendly guy who would walk around asking others at work strange questions, making everyone uncomfortable. First day at work the conversation with him was something similar to this: Hi, what's your name, where do you live, have you ever seen your father cry? Needless to say, I actively avoided him because I wasn't interested in talking about daddy issues with him.
It could also be, like others have pointed out,that she sees you as some kind of threat. When I was studying I used to work part time at this place where one of the older workers seemed to have something against me. I didn't know why, but then again this worker had a chip on the shoulder in general so I didn't thing too much about it. It wasn't until a few years later, when I spoke to another one of my old colleagues and the topic of the other colleague came up that I found out that the reason she was cold towards me was she had been extremely threatened by my very existence at that company. It never made sense to me because it wasn't like I was ever going to take her job - the job wasn't even within my field of studies and I was never going to stay at that place permanently - but it taught me that people can have irrational feelings and act out on them without you being at fault.
My advice is to act professional, talk about work related topics and avoid anything personal. You don't have to be friends or even like each other to get along at work, just make sure you can collaborate with her when needed. At my current job I don't really get along with a co-worker on a personal level, but we can still work on projects together effectively without drama.
It could also be, like others have pointed out,that she sees you as some kind of threat. When I was studying I used to work part time at this place where one of the older workers seemed to have something against me. I didn't know why, but then again this worker had a chip on the shoulder in general so I didn't thing too much about it. It wasn't until a few years later, when I spoke to another one of my old colleagues and the topic of the other colleague came up that I found out that the reason she was cold towards me was she had been extremely threatened by my very existence at that company. It never made sense to me because it wasn't like I was ever going to take her job - the job wasn't even within my field of studies and I was never going to stay at that place permanently - but it taught me that people can have irrational feelings and act out on them without you being at fault.
My advice is to act professional, talk about work related topics and avoid anything personal. You don't have to be friends or even like each other to get along at work, just make sure you can collaborate with her when needed. At my current job I don't really get along with a co-worker on a personal level, but we can still work on projects together effectively without drama.
Greedings
Member
this.
Work is not social. Do your job, work had. Go home.
just_some_nut
Member
Because she doesn't want to have a conversation? No one owes you a relationship of any kind.
Outside of basic pleasantries, I usually don't make attempts to further conversations at my office either--not because I don't like my co-workers but simply because I'm at work to do work
NecrosaroIII
Ask me about my terrible takes on Star Trek characters
I wouldn't have made a thread about for one thing. After the 2nd interaction in would have taken the hint and moved on
-Troid-
Banned
Eh, just leave her alone and save it for other people you work with that actually like/don't mind your company. People (especially women sometimes) can be complicated to a fault, but that's not your problem.
It seems like your problem is wanting to be liked by everyone, which I think every one can relate to to various degrees. That and possible fear of her getting you in trouble over something petty. So yeah I'd just get out of her way. Not worth worrying about aside from that though.
It seems like your problem is wanting to be liked by everyone, which I think every one can relate to to various degrees. That and possible fear of her getting you in trouble over something petty. So yeah I'd just get out of her way. Not worth worrying about aside from that though.
lachesis
Member
I am also on the side where OP might have offended the person without knowing. Or even out of a good will. At this point - it may be too late to salvage the situation - so I would try the best not make things further by being cold to the person. In her point of view, OP's the aggressor and she's the victim - so I would be very careful what to say to her.
At the same time, some girls live off on this stuff too. In the family or among friends, or at work place.. then NEED some enemies. Some girls tend to pick out one person and beak the till it's dead, to fill their need of a drama in their real life. If she's someone like this - perhaps having a common enemy in the workplace maybe good way to bond with her. I've seen it quite a few time - but remember it's also a rather fragile bridge to be on - and alliances can be broken and changed at whim.
For me - to make someone as a common enemy as a bonding point... is strictly against my own personal policy, that I do not hold personal grudges against anyone in the company - whether he/she is very annoying or whatnot (I do banter and complain if the situation is annoying, but I do not hold personal grudges as it's all part of work, which is the most important part)
At the same time, some girls live off on this stuff too. In the family or among friends, or at work place.. then NEED some enemies. Some girls tend to pick out one person and beak the till it's dead, to fill their need of a drama in their real life. If she's someone like this - perhaps having a common enemy in the workplace maybe good way to bond with her. I've seen it quite a few time - but remember it's also a rather fragile bridge to be on - and alliances can be broken and changed at whim.
For me - to make someone as a common enemy as a bonding point... is strictly against my own personal policy, that I do not hold personal grudges against anyone in the company - whether he/she is very annoying or whatnot (I do banter and complain if the situation is annoying, but I do not hold personal grudges as it's all part of work, which is the most important part)
I wanted to know how other people would respond if they were in my position. I wrote the opener in second person so it would easier for people to identify with. Just because I've already responded doesn't mean I am not allowed to ask people to share their opinions. I've not encountered this situation in my life before, so I thought it would be interesting to see how other people would deal withit.
Yes, I could go to Google and look for a reddit thread about a similar situation, but I thought it would be better to open up a discussion and see what you guys had to say.
You do end up feeling like a fool, a pushover etc after keeping up the nice act in the face of bs. What does a person in my position gain from carrying on like this? They just end up being exploited and ridiculed.
I don't understand posts like these. Does it make you feel superior? Do you guys all work in dystopian warehouses where there everything is all about "the work" and nothing else? Many people spend a good chunk of their lives in the workplace. It's perfectly natural and normal to want to talk and get along with the people you're spending most of your day with. Moreso when you're in a smaller work environment where everyone is only a few metres away from you. You sound like people who are profoundly antisocial (I wouldn't be surprised). You talk as if any desire to talk to the people you work with is a thought crime.
All the questions I've asked her were harmless and noninvasive. I asked questions such as how was your week? Did you get up to anything? Did you go to university? What sort of foods do you like? Where have you been on holiday? What sort of TV shows do you watch? Along with questions about things going on
in the news and popular culture.
I'm a conservative person. I know where to draw the line in regard to questions about personal stuff. And I don't ask suggestive questions.
Honestly this is the impression I'm getting.
It's interesting to see posters coming out with variations of "leave her alone", which is undoubtedly based on the presumption that I'm trying to hound her for sex. This is despite the fact I've stated several times I'm not interested in her in that way. I guess these days a man can't just want to get along well with a woman. There's always gotta be a sexual motivation -- even when a man explicitly says that there isn't.
The #BelieveWomen rhetoric always seems to find a way.
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vpance
Member
She probably senses your alpha-ness and is intimidated. Seriously
rubik's dude
Member
Just to touch on this, I was in an abusive situation awhile ago for many years, and one of the things that kept me from getting out was that if I ever tried to get out, she would tell people that I was the one abusing her. Almost ended up committing suicide because of it, I had no one to turn to.
The #BelieveWomen mentality, which does exist (look at the Johnny Depp thing), is toxic and I wish it didn't exist. Both men and women can be asses, but if a woman makes an allegation against a man (sexual or otherwise) it shouldn't just be taken at face value. This goes vice versa as well, for men making allegations against women. If people are going to take sides, they should wait to hear everyone's side of the story first. But we don't live in a rational world, so that won't happen, which sucks.
OP, I'd recommend just avoiding her. It sounds like a bunch of drama you don't want to get caught up in.
That's your problem and not anybody else's.
You cant shut up and do your work, go work somewhere else.
No it's not. You're colleagues not friends.
Any desire to do it not naturally is a disingenuous behavior.
If you're really, I mean really interested in making friends with people they will respond.
But even if they not, it's ok. You're not a $100 bill.
1. People may not know how to answer to "how was your week?". Especially if they are introverted. Hint: being chatty doesn't mean your'e not introverted.
2. Too personal.
3. Too personal. If she's Asian it's kind of an insult.
4. Too personal.
5. Too cultural. But she should've answered: I don't have a TV.
6. Way too cultural.
P.S. if you really want to know somebody: find a suitable common theme. You're sitting close, listen to what she says, to whom. Learn things she talks about, listen to how she talks about different things.
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TrainedRage
Banned
Ride your motorcycle to her house and smash?
H
hariseldon
Unconfirmed Member
OP seems a bit autistic. My wife and I sometimes watch a show called Undateables. In it, people with disabilities try to get dates, usually with dating agencies. The autistic guys will usually have mum telling them to make sure they ask plenty of questions, not to talk about trains, etc. Your approach to socialising seems to have that same extensive structure to it. There’s a decent chance you weirded her out and she doesn’t quite know how to handle it.
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