Devolution
Member
Not really. I mostly hang out with men in my hometown so any boyfriend I have will have to come to terms with that.
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Could straight men and women just be friends?
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Not really. I mostly hang out with men in my hometown so any boyfriend I have will have to come to terms with that.
This was a few years back, we're all in our 20s now. He wasn't shy about making his decision clear from what I heard, she was pretty gutted at the rejection.
I guess it comes down to the even older and more trite argument of whether men will sleep with any woman given the chance. Some men admit it's true of them, some say they don't work like that, and the ones that say it's true can't believe that other men don't and claim they're liars, and it turns out into long threads like this one, lol.
I don't profess to understand attraction at all, since I rarely experience it, and don't seem to experience it "normally", so I like to read threads like this to see where everyone else is at.
Hehehe. But that's my point. We're both how you think women are.
Well, I'd have to blink at some stage (thank you thank you, I'm here all week), but it wouldn't bother me cos we have special rings:
I'd be curious as to why they were doing it though...
To be fair, part of my reason for turning her down was having gigantic crush on another female friend of mine... But that friendship also survived, even after I spilled my guts to her about the whole thing. I sort of helped in the process of "friendzoning myself," and I'm glad I did in retrospect.
Sucks being on the bottom of the page! Aghhh!
Depends, at work where you're constantly around the person? Usually your significant other is with you, or other couples.
And all the straight male friends my girlfriend has, blunt as it sounds, I know their goal is to bang her. With the clever remarks, flirting on Facebook, trying to get coffee here and there etc. GAF tries to hide around this notion, but it's quite simple. People are desperate.
Sounds like you weren't single then. Emotionally you were taken even if it wasn't mutual.
BadAss2961
Member
Ha, you've got it figured out...
Though i'm not quite in the "rest are liars" camp, I do believe there's some sort of explanation to the situation with that guy. Either he didn't find the girl attractive, or...
Ah... It all makes sense now. I've done this before and have lived to regret it.
Maybe it was you he wanted, Peagles.
H.Protagonist
[-_-]/
I can't say 100% because I've never been in an unreciprocated love situation, but if that was all a cool guy wanted out of a relationship I think I'd definitely be able to. Sexual interest might spur a meeting, but it's the other stuff that makes a real friendship. I believe I would get over it because I weigh the personality/interests, etc. more than I do desire, and I'm not foolish enough to keep any such desire in reserve 'just in case'.
Haha. I get confused for a guy a lot online just by interests and hobbies alone, so don't feel bad.
Nope. Trust is key. I'm in a long distance relationship, so it's got to be there. Heck, he had an old female friend from the program we both did stay over for two days at his place once and all I really wondered about was if she liked the coffee I'd sent him the prior week.
I also have mostly male friends and go to pub crawls all the time (L.A. Gaf!) and he has no issues with it.
Eh, I wouldn't put it in such black and white terms. It wasn't so much a BURNING UNREQUITED LOVE as it was me was sitting at Dostoevsky's stone wall, pondering what to do next.
I knew it would eat me up, so I guess my intention was to defuse the situation myself. And hey, it worked and we remained good friends through the rest of high school.
LightofRohan
Member
Not really.
I thought so, until my best College friend was a female.
It started out great, I wasn't attracted to her or anything we were just good friends and I have a girlfriend so the possibility wasn't even there. Until she started getting nicer and nicer... then she finally proclaimed her love to me. We talked it out and it was fine, but its never actually fine. Its still weird every time we hang out and I had to lie to her saying my GF doesn't know... And it is obvious she still loves me even to this day.
If you are good friends w/ a chick and you are both straight. Love is BOUND to happen in one way or the other. Because then why would you be friends? Your girlfriend should be your good friend.
I thought so, until my best College friend was a female.
It started out great, I wasn't attracted to her or anything we were just good friends and I have a girlfriend so the possibility wasn't even there. Until she started getting nicer and nicer... then she finally proclaimed her love to me. We talked it out and it was fine, but its never actually fine. Its still weird every time we hang out and I had to lie to her saying my GF doesn't know... And it is obvious she still loves me even to this day.
If you are good friends w/ a chick and you are both straight. Love is BOUND to happen in one way or the other. Because then why would you be friends? Your girlfriend should be your good friend.
H.Protagonist
[-_-]/
This is what bothers me. Are we not worth conversation and friendship or shared experiences if we're not a girlfriend or love interest? Do we hold no value at all to guys except as potential fuck buddies or wives? :/
The plot thickens!
It's depressing, right? Does it really come down to that? The thing is, it just really doesn't fit with my experiences of friendships, or the world even... To me, my male friends who aren't my fiance are just the same as my female friends, I'm not attracted to any of them and I'm friends with them for reasons that aren't sexual in nature. Do other people really not have this capacity for friendship? Not to mention this whole thing is pretty heterosexist. Say I'm attracted to both men and women, am I supposed to just have no friends?
Most people don't like to put themselves in potentially risky situations.
AndresON777
shooting blanks
Companionship too but then I guess that is what a wife/girlfriend is. It is what it is. We're cocksmen
LightofRohan
Member
Yea basically... :\
But like I said, the guy will fall in love w/ girl or the girl will fall in love with the guy. Its rare to just have a symbiotic sister/brother relationship. And if you think you are in this type of 'friend'ship, surprise your friend wants to fuck you and is too scared/respectful to say anything.
Yeah totally.
Pretty much as it has already been stated, as long as the sexual attraction issue is not present, it works quite well. Not because I look at women as fuck buddies as some have put it, but because you can't be "friends" with someone who you want to date. In the long run, you'll eventually try to date that person and either mess up the friendship or whatever.
I made good friends with a couple girls at my previous job that I still keep in contact with. One is kinda overweight and just not my cup of tea for dating interests, while the other is attractive, but she's married so I would not have intentions of anything with her either.
So yeah, it works.
Pretty much as it has already been stated, as long as the sexual attraction issue is not present, it works quite well. Not because I look at women as fuck buddies as some have put it, but because you can't be "friends" with someone who you want to date. In the long run, you'll eventually try to date that person and either mess up the friendship or whatever.
I made good friends with a couple girls at my previous job that I still keep in contact with. One is kinda overweight and just not my cup of tea for dating interests, while the other is attractive, but she's married so I would not have intentions of anything with her either.
So yeah, it works.
Green Mamba
Member
Jesus. I would have thought you would have held your own sex to higher esteem than that.
Ghost_Protocol
Member
I don't know..... I just don't know.....This is the only question I see regularly where the answers "Yes", "No" , and "Maybe" are all right IMO.
There are too many contributing factors for there to be a universal answer at all. People and their circumstances are just too unique.
Does one have to subvert the other? Sexual tension can be something that's sort of lurking in the background, and people intentionally ignore it because they appreciate the platonic friendship and don't want things to get messy.
I understand that it might be too much of a distraction for some. That's fine, if unfortunate. It just doesn't have to be the case.
Devolution
Member
We are. Personally I think it's baggage left over from when times were boys clubs and some dudes just don't grow out of that mentality.
Wait so... is this also true of my lesbian friends towards me? What of my fiance's gay friends, are they only friends with him to get into his pants?
Johnny Cage In The Shower
Member
WHAT!! I didn't say this, what's going on here? You are falsely quoting people now?
You know this is total bullshit! Or maybe you don't and are totally missing the point by a mile here...
Let me just answer it with another question: Which is a better friend? A friend you can get some sound advice about the opposite sex in the wee hours of the night after 5 pints, and talk about other silly things and laugh?
or...
A friend you can get some sound advice about the opposite sex in the wee hours of the night after 5 pints, and talk about other silly things and laugh, and then go home and have awesome sex with?
I <3 you, Devo. No hetero.
BadAss2961
Member
Your soul is mine, Johnny Cage.
Multi quote fails again! I knew I shouldn't have trusted this new fangled neogaffery!
I'll go fix it if you really find it that disturbing, lol.
Agreed. Now my theory is that my male friends and partner have grown out of it and that's why we're able to be friends. All those sniffly sulky dudes who falsely tried to be my 'friend' to get into my pants are the ones that haven't grown out of that. I mean, he said he liked Batman just to become my friend, then later he said he didn't even like Batman! If he just said he wasn't into Batman and was honest, I would have respected that way more.
I like this too, that's how I feel too. Is it weird to say, sometimes I forgot which of my friends are male and female? I have to kind of think about it for awhile if someone asks.
Johnny Cage In The Shower
Member
Haha no I am not disturbed, just confused, I had no idea what was the context of the quote, since I didn't say it!
What if it was something terrible, and you're trying to get me banned or something?
....j/kidlethreats
Member
Nope. My partner is bi so basically any time they spend with someone other than me is time spent with a potential romantic interest I guess, but why would I be in a relationship with someone that I can't trust? Romantic jealousy is inexplicable to me. Unless you're in an unhealthy relationship, I guess it makes sense then?
LightofRohan
Member
What? Read the thread title, it's about straight male/female friends. I can't comment on gays/lesbians since I am neither.
But actually I have a gay friend that has a crush on me atm. It's not that big of a deal though because I'm not gay, so it doesn't have to be uncomfortable.
Nope, never said you can't still be friends w/ overlooking sexual tension on one side. But it definitely alters the dynamic and can create a lot of uncomfortable moments. Like I said, I'm still friends with the female in my school, there's just certain things we can't do as comfortably.
Devolution
Member
The trick is to punch everyone in the crotch he or she goes out with first. Just to show who's boss. And if you're afraid of getting charged with a crime then grab your SO's crotch and say "This is mine, I have a 45 and a shovel."
Is there any primal magic that prevents two straight people of opposite genders from being in that situation? I really don't think there is.
T
Transhuman
Unconfirmed Member
Friendships turning into an unrequited love is a two-way street.
H.Protagonist
[-_-]/
But can people not see past animal desire at all? I've had a passing interest in some guys before, but they were either unavailable or circumstances wouldn't allow, and we're great friends now. Dismissing people because sexually they aren't a potential cuts out half the cool people in the world! Why would anyone do that? Are these people cowards, fools or just practical? I don't know.
I think you're selling your gender short, but if that's the way you see us then that's the way it works for you, I guess.
I really don't think this is the case (or hope?). Like I said to Blasty, dismissing half the population because you can't get with them cuts out so many amazing people. Why would you ever limit yourself like that?
For half a second I thought you meant "we are" to the fuck-buddy thing. A tear quivered in my eye and then logic took over. I have plenty of awesome guy friends who I value and I believe they value me for my points other than purely female bits. Times are getting better, so I do think it's just a perception thing, of which there are many old-school holdouts.
There's plenty of attractive female friends I have that where there's no sexual tension or anything like that involved, where we hang out cause I happen to think they're pretty fun to be around. But if any of them gave any signs that they wanted to smang, I wouldn't hesitate for a nanosecond*.
*Well, I shouldn't necessarily say that. It would depend on how close a relationship we had.
*Well, I shouldn't necessarily say that. It would depend on how close a relationship we had.
Haha no I am not disturbed, just confused, I had no idea what was the context of the quote, since I didn't say it!
What if it was something terrible, and you're trying to get me banned or something?
Not my intention, but not a bad idea
I read the thread title when I clicked in here, thanks. The discussion has kind of turned into a gender based attraction thing though and people have some pretty specific 'rules' about attraction and why people can't be friends based on that. Why shouldn't we consider it for people who aren't heterosexual? I suppose it probably complicates the 'rules' too much? Hehe. I think it's interesting though.
LightofRohan
Member
Sexual attraction? I suppose if you are both utterly repulsed by each other in the attraction stand point. But generally I think people like to be friends w/ people that are still relatively unrepulsive to themselves. I'm talking man man and woman woman also.
BadAss2961
Member
It's nothing much to do with you, and more to do with us. We can be good friends, great friends even. But if there's an opportunity somewhere, then most guys will take it.
CherryWoodFuton
Member
It helps when both of you are in a committed relationship with other people (like in my situation). Even if we were single it would be possible to just be friends because the sexual attraction just isn't there
Yep.
Sub_Level
wants to fuck an Asian grill.
That's almost exactly what my friend who was a girl said to me and I tried to tell her that it was too hard to see her just as a friend because she was gorgeous and I felt that I had loved her and it would sting if I saw her with another guy. It'd just make me feel like an inferior guy.
Insecurity on my part? Completely, but those are the feelings that I had and that I think a lot of guys have. Of course I enjoy the friendship aspect of hanging out with a beautiful woman, I couldn't stand to be in a relationship OR a friendship with some girl who was just a vapid fucktoy or whom I had nothing in common with, but you just get feelings mixed up into it and it gets messy. If the guy or girl feels attraction to the friend who doesn't, then that guy or girl either has to walk away or has to compromise and deal with it. Wish I was strong enough to do the latter, or just not have those feelings in the first place.
Just gonna restate things for the sake of my own argument: Your friend has a crush on you, and you are neither attracted to him nor utterly repulsed by his presence. Everything works out.
I don't think it's that much more difficult for the same dynamic to exist between straight men and women. A lot of it just has to do with levels of maturity and self-control.
LightofRohan
Member
Yep, this is a good exception.
Well, he is a guy. But yes ideally that would be the case, but generally it seems rare for both people to be unattracted to each other completely. One of you is bound to have some feelings towards the other, generally being the guy. Its very hard for a guy to not want to bang you...
Ghost_Protocol
Member
I feel fairly confident saying that every friend of the opposite sex has the potential to become a sexual partner for the other at some point given the right circumstances.......and I don't see anything wrong with that. We need to be sexually attracted to each other for the species to survive, and our biology isn't going to ignore that drive just because we both happen to like Seinfeld and Harry Potter. I don't see why that has to mean that that potential is ALL there has to be. You can still have a ton in common and genuinely enjoy each other's company/conversation.
Why do the two aspects have to be mutually exclusive?
Why does being a "fuck buddy" mean we can't also play Halo or watch LOST?
NOTE: All of this is assuming we're talking about a pair of single, straight people. If you're married and fucking your friend, that's probably not going to work out.
H.Protagonist
[-_-]/
Why can't guys see past it, though? I guess I just don't get the way you guys claim to be wired. It's like #1 in your mind is always sex and that eclipses all else even if there is overwhelming good for other stuff (personality, interests, friendship). It's so illogical that I can't compute it.
Unrequited love and awkwardness I can understand. It happens sometimes. It's guys that say girls aren't true friendship material and they would never even try to be friends with a girl if they weren't trying to get with her. And that if they are friends with a girl, it's not because she's cool or an awesome person, but that somewhere, somehow there might be a sliver of a chance of getting with her. As a girl it's hard to hear that only because a guy is sexually interested in you are you worth his time and effort.
LightofRohan
Member
Yea exactly.
Its like, Oh wow we are both attractive people and share so many things in common. Of course attraction will come together and a relationship has the chance to manifest.
Or oh the guy is really attractive and the girl is very unattractive, but we both have so much in common and share so many interests. The girl is likely to fall in love w/ the guy. (or vice versa)
Or oh they are both highly unnatractive individuals, yet they have so much in common ect ect. They are bound to just settle w/ each other if they have bad relationships w/ others. (Yea I'll prob get shit for this one haha)
There ya go! You're getting it
Devolution
Member
But can people not see past animal desire at all? I've had a passing interest in some guys before, but they were either unavailable or circumstances wouldn't allow, and we're great friends now. Dismissing people because sexually they aren't a potential cuts out half the cool people in the world! Why would anyone do that? Are these people cowards, fools or just practical? I don't know.
When you're in a relationship, especially marriage, it's best not to put yourself in certain situation as not everyone has an extremely trusting SO. It's mainly a matter of respect.
Devolution
Member
H.Protagonist
[-_-]/
Yea exactly.
Its like, Oh wow we are both attractive people and share so many things in common. Of course attraction will come together and a relationship has the chance to manifest.
Or oh the guy is really attractive and the girl is very unattractive, but we both have so much in common and share so many interests. The girl is likely to fall in love w/ the guy. (or vice versa)
Or oh they are both highly unnatractive individuals, yet they have so much in common ect ect. They are bound to just settle w/ each other if they have bad relationships w/ others. (Yea I'll prob get shit for this one haha)
There ya go! You're getting it
I wouldn't smile. I'm saying it's illogical because you're being ruled by an emotion and not acting like a mature, thinking human. Attraction exists and it will probably be a passing thought in most of our interactions between male and female, but letting that desire dictate your choices seems feeble-minded.
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