Support NeoGAF

[DarkChronic]

Welp. Two nights ago I got a Facebook message from "the one who got away." We were on and off for 3 years in high school and eventually our lives took different paths. She lives in Canada now and I'm in the states.

After she moved away I met another girl who I fell in love with. We dated for five years and she just broke up with me 2 months ago, so I'm freshly single.

This other girl, who I was absolutely crazy about, messaged me around midnight and sounding pretty drunk. This is the first I heard from her in YEARS. It was just a general, "How are you? I was thinking of you, we should catch up, etc."

Don't know if it was just a strange coincidence that she caught me after my relationship ended or not.

I messaged her back a fairly long message just talking about life, seeing how she was doing, etc. Honestly, I was not expecting a message back, but she replied with another fairly long message and kept it question filled and open for discussion and saying how she wanted to catch up.

I am DEFINITELY not jumping to conclusions, nor am I assuming any intention on her part beyond just wanted to catch up with an old friend.

How do you guys usually go about these? If a girl does this, is there a possibility she may be interested in reigniting things, or is that completely out of the question? Keep in mind, we live in different countries and haven't seen/spoken to each other in years. Has anyone ever followed through with this and turned it into a relationship?

I think the plan right now is to keep it friendly and just go along for the ride and see where it goes.

 

[Minamu]

Do that. It might work out but the distance is a pain. I'm in a similar situation with my ex right now as well, though the timeline is much shorter than yours. Go ahead with caution and stay carefree.

Unrelated note: We are only a week away from the one year anniversary of this thread! That's crazy, so much has happened in here! We need to do a personal recap among us! This thread won't have a second anniversary either !

 

[Omegasquash]

Good god, my ex thinks we can still be friends while she's fucking the boyfriend she had before me. Are you fucking serious, woman? We just broke up a few weeks ago!

In her mind, she's taking the high ground by being your "friend", and it's also possible that she's getting a psychological boost by doing so. Justifying her action (which was breaking up, something I assume was done by her).

Just tell her that no, you're not interested in talking to her right now. I'm not saying people can't be friends but...it's tough to be friends.

 

[Minamu]

Yes as long as at least one person has romantic feelings for the other, friendship isn't going to work. I usually refuse when that happens. Down the road is a different story. You need time alone first.

 

[PflargBlarg]

Do that. It might work out but the distance is a pain. I'm in a similar situation with my ex right now as well, though the timeline is much shorter than yours. Go ahead with caution and stay carefree.

Unrelated note: We are only a week away from the one year anniversary of this thread! That's crazy, so much has happened in here! We need to do a personal recap among us! This thread won't have a second anniversary either !

Sounds fun, my life is completely different now!

 

[Jhoan]

Unrelated note: We are only a week away from the one year anniversary of this thread! That's crazy, so much has happened in here! We need to do a personal recap among us! This thread won't have a second anniversary either !

That's a pretty good idea. It'll allow people who claim they haven't changed/improved to reflect on the year. Look foward to reading how people have developed. It'd also be a good idea for people to list a few things on what they would like to improve on. I'll throw my own hat into the ring next week.

 

[Kung Fu Jedi]

Welp. Two nights ago I got a Facebook message from "the one who got away." We were on and off for 3 years in high school and eventually our lives took different paths. She lives in Canada now and I'm in the states.

After she moved away I met another girl who I fell in love with. We dated for five years and she just broke up with me 2 months ago, so I'm freshly single.

This other girl, who I was absolutely crazy about, messaged me around midnight and sounding pretty drunk. This is the first I heard from her in YEARS. It was just a general, "How are you? I was thinking of you, we should catch up, etc."

Don't know if it was just a strange coincidence that she caught me after my relationship ended or not.

I messaged her back a fairly long message just talking about life, seeing how she was doing, etc. Honestly, I was not expecting a message back, but she replied with another fairly long message and kept it question filled and open for discussion and saying how she wanted to catch up.

I am DEFINITELY not jumping to conclusions, nor am I assuming any intention on her part beyond just wanted to catch up with an old friend.

How do you guys usually go about these? If a girl does this, is there a possibility she may be interested in reigniting things, or is that completely out of the question? Keep in mind, we live in different countries and haven't seen/spoken to each other in years. Has anyone ever followed through with this and turned it into a relationship?

I think the plan right now is to keep it friendly and just go along for the ride and see where it goes.

I had something similar happen earlier in the year. A girl I dated in high school (Which is some time ago for me!) contacted me on FB. She struck up a conversion as well and eventually came clean with wondering how I felt about her and if I ever still thought about her. I was honest and said that I'd be lying if I said I didn't wonder about her sometimes, but it has been years since we've seen each other. It also didn't help that she is married and has a few kids. She admitted things weren't great at home, and I wasn't about to get in the middle of that. She remained somewhat persistent however, even after I met my girlfriend in July and was pretty straight forward that I am not only dating someone, but I'm completely in love with her.

My story is pretty messed up, but the thing to take away from it is that old flames can and will contact you on Facebook and they may indeed be interested in trying to get something going. In your case, it sounds like you're much more open to that happening.

 

[giga]

In her mind, she's taking the high ground by being your "friend", and it's also possible that she's getting a psychological boost by doing so. Justifying her action (which was breaking up, something I assume was done by her).

Just tell her that no, you're not interested in talking to her right now. I'm not saying people can't be friends but...it's tough to be friends.

Yes as long as at least one person has romantic feelings for the other, friendship isn't going to work. I usually refuse when that happens. Down the road is a different story. You need time alone first.

It was mutual. We actually did remain friends after the breakup, but I only recently found out what she's been doing with her ex. Now I cut her off and she's been trying again to be friends. Fuck that.

 

[GutsOfThor]

Ok Dating Gaf I got a situation for you that I'm pretty sure is hopeless but whatever.....

So the bass player in the band I play in posted a picture on facebook of herself with a girl I thought was cute. I asked her who the girl was and that I thought she was cute to which she responded the girl was going to be at her party she was throwing on Saturday. I go to the party and sure enough the girl is there however I don't talk to her much outside of giving her a high five for pre-ordering the PS4. I'm a not a talkative person AT ALL so I stay at the party for a couple more hours and say nothing to her. I end up leaving and that's that.

I'm talking to my friend today and she says I should add her on facebook but I think that's a bad idea. I probably came across as really creepy so I'm probably just going to drop it but for shits and giggles what would you all recommend?

 

[youngwerther]

Ok Dating Gaf I got a situation for you that I'm pretty sure is hopeless but whatever.....

So the bass player in the band I play in posted a picture on facebook of herself with a girl I thought was cute. I asked her who the girl was and that I thought she was cute to which she responded the girl was going to be at her party she was throwing on Saturday. I go to the party and sure enough the girl is there however I don't talk to her much outside of giving her a high five for pre-ordering the PS4. I'm a not a talkative person AT ALL so I stay at the party for a couple more hours and say nothing to her. I end up leaving and that's that.

I'm talking to my friend today and she says I should add her on facebook but I think that's a bad idea. I probably came across as really creepy so I'm probably just going to drop it but for shits and giggles what would you all recommend?

Avoid Facebook like the plague. Do not add her. Don't even search for her. That shit is so fucking lame, seriously, it does nothing for you at all.

You probably didn't come across as creepy at the party. You probably just came across as reserved and maybe somewhat shy. Don't stress over it. Talk to your bass player, tell her you are interested in her friend, see if she can throw another party or something, anything, so you have another chance of talking to her.

Then, next time you see her, actually talk to her.

 

[Movement]

I broke up with my girlfriend of 8 months yesterday.
It's an especially tough situation for me because I still love her, a lot. We're just two completely different people, I'm about to graduate college and she has never had a job or gone to school post-high so it's hard for us to relate. She is completely dependent on me and the best reason I can come up with how I'm feeling is that I don't know what my passions are in life or what I want to do once I graduate so I can't be in a commitment right now. I feel if I'm not 100% into something it's not fair for her.
We're still talking right now and I told her I need a break to think about my life and find myself. I don't know what to do right now or if I'm acting rationally.

 

[GutsOfThor]

Avoid Facebook like the plague. Do not add her. Don't even search for her. That shit is so fucking lame, seriously, it does nothing for you at all.

You probably didn't come across as creepy at the party. You probably just came across as reserved and maybe somewhat shy. Don't stress over it. Talk to your bass player, tell her you are interested in her friend, see if she can throw another party or something, anything, so you have another chance of talking to her.

Then, next time you see her, actually talk to her.

Good point. My gut was telling me don't do the facebook thing as well. The bass player is throwing a New Years Eve party which I'm sure the girl will be at so I may have another chance then.

You know what's sad about this? I'm 31 years old and still having problems with this shit....

In a couple of years if I'm still like this I'm pretty much just going to call it quits when it comes to relationships.

 

[youngwerther]

Good point. My gut was telling me don't do the facebook thing as well. The bass player is throwing a New Years Eve party which I'm sure the girl will be at so I may have another chance then.

You know what's sad about this? I'm 31 years old and still having problems with this shit....

In a couple of years if I'm still like this I'm pretty much just going to call it quits when it comes to relationships.

Don't worry too much about being 31 either.
It isn't sad. Life unfolds differently for everyone. Don't compare your life to what other people are doing. Just be focused on your own goals, being happy, and having a good time.

 

[Pau]

Ok Dating Gaf I got a situation for you that I'm pretty sure is hopeless but whatever.....

So the bass player in the band I play in posted a picture on facebook of herself with a girl I thought was cute. I asked her who the girl was and that I thought she was cute to which she responded the girl was going to be at her party she was throwing on Saturday. I go to the party and sure enough the girl is there however I don't talk to her much outside of giving her a high five for pre-ordering the PS4. I'm a not a talkative person AT ALL so I stay at the party for a couple more hours and say nothing to her. I end up leaving and that's that.

I'm talking to my friend today and she says I should add her on facebook but I think that's a bad idea. I probably came across as really creepy so I'm probably just going to drop it but for shits and giggles what would you all recommend?

Add her on Facebook after talking to her more. Why avoid it when it's a simple way to talk to someone and set up dates? Pretty sure almost every date I've had has been set up through Facebook and a lot of those guys added me after the first day of meeting me. Wasn't creepy at all.

 

[beat]

You know what's sad about this? I'm 31 years old and still having problems with this shit....

In a couple of years if I'm still like this I'm pretty much just going to call it quits when it comes to relationships.

It's not like people a few years older than you have it all together. They either just do a better job at looking like they do, or (more likely) you're not noticing because you're too busy worrying about how you appear.

 

[Kung Fu Jedi]

Good point. My gut was telling me don't do the facebook thing as well. The bass player is throwing a New Years Eve party which I'm sure the girl will be at so I may have another chance then.

You know what's sad about this? I'm 31 years old and still having problems with this shit....

In a couple of years if I'm still like this I'm pretty much just going to call it quits when it comes to relationships.

Facebook is a fine way to connect with someone, although I do think you may want to chat with her a bit more before doing so. Take advantage of the New Year's Eve party to do just that, but you're going to have to come out of your shell and actually talk. Unless she's already interested in you, you're going to have to give her some incentive to engage.

31 years old isn't all that old, but if you want things to change you have to take steps to make them change. Like I said, you're going to have to come out of your shell and actually talk more if you're interested in things going further. Perhaps a party isn't the best scene to do that, but you'll still have to catch her interest in some way then ask her out so you can get into a one-on-one situation where you might be more talkative. Are you good with engaging someone on a date?

 

[GutsOfThor]

Wow! Thanks for the advice! Guess I'll shoot for the New Years Eve party if she's not already taken by then.

As far as if I'm good at engaging someone on a date well.... I haven't been on a date in 10 years so yeah....

 

[NeOak]

It was mutual. We actually did remain friends after the breakup, but I only recently found out what she's been doing with her ex. Now I cut her off and she's been trying again to be friends. Fuck that.

Was she doing that before or after the break up?

 

[Kung Fu Jedi]

Wow! Thanks for the advice! Guess I'll shoot for the New Years Eve party if she's not already taken by then.

As far as if I'm good at engaging someone on a date well.... I haven't been on a date in 10 years so yeah....

Ten years is a long time, so like I said above, you're really going to have to get out of your comfort zone. But these things don't really change on their own, unless you happen to meet a more aggressive, outgoing girl who does all the work for you. It can happen, it's just not as likely.

 

[stn]

@GutsofThor

I think you're at a point in time where you should take some risks and throw yourself out there. Best way to learn and find a new comfort zone for yourself. While I always tell people age doesn't matter, the reality is that it only gets harder with age. You're better off trying all kinds of things and failing the next 200 times with women, than being conservative and waiting around.

 

[God Enel]

gaf.

today i asked a fuckin unknown girl for her telephone number. she sat right in front of me in a train. there were two passengers next to us. i smiled, she smiled and it was kinda awkward. I had a feeling that she's interested in me and thought you know something like "fuck life, i have nothing to lose" and just said "hi how are you" or some stupid shit like that not giving a fuck what the people right next to me are thinking. at the end of this smalI-talk bullshit I just asked her if she wants to give me her number. and yeah.. she did it, was easier than i actually thought. Actually I think she's more happy than I am.
her smile was fuckin heart melting =D

it's quite an accomplishment for me as I have never asked an unknown girl and i'm more of a shy person. Way to go.

 

[Leeness]

Completely closed my POF. Total freedom!

 

[The Artful Dodger]

gaf.

today i asked a fuckin unknown girl for her telephone number. she sat right in front of me in a train. there were two passengers next to us. i smiled, she smiled and it was kinda awkward. I had a feeling that she's interested in me and thought you know something like "fuck life, i have nothing to lose" and just said "hi how are you" or some stupid shit like that not giving a fuck what the people right next to me are thinking. at the end of this smalI-talk bullshit I just asked her if she wants to give me her number. and yeah.. she did it, was easier than i actually thought. Actually I think she's more happy than I am.
her smile was fuckin heart melting =D

it's quite an accomplishment for me as I have never asked an unknown girl and i'm more of a shy person. Way to go.

Congrats Dude!

 

[Kung Fu Jedi]

Completely closed my POF. Total freedom!

I did this months ago on my Ok Cupid account too. Just wasn't feeling it and didn't want to put the time and effort into it either. I kind of decided I wasn't going to look for someone to date. Then I just happened to meet the most amazing woman. It happens when you least expect it and where you least expect it.

I know that isn't what you're looking for Leeness, but possibly encouraging to others.

 

[Leeness]

I did this months ago on my Ok Cupid account too. Just wasn't feeling it and didn't want to put the time and effort into it either. I kind of decided I wasn't going to look for someone to date. Then I just happened to meet the most amazing woman. It happens when you least expect it and where you least expect it.

I know that isn't what you're looking for Leeness, but possibly encouraging to others.

Congrats to you! That's great!

And go go, other people! Find someone and have a nice time!

 

[deejay8595]

gaf.

today i asked a fuckin unknown girl for her telephone number. she sat right in front of me in a train. there were two passengers next to us. i smiled, she smiled and it was kinda awkward. I had a feeling that she's interested in me and thought you know something like "fuck life, i have nothing to lose" and just said "hi how are you" or some stupid shit like that not giving a fuck what the people right next to me are thinking. at the end of this smalI-talk bullshit I just asked her if she wants to give me her number. and yeah.. she did it, was easier than i actually thought. Actually I think she's more happy than I am.
her smile was fuckin heart melting =D

it's quite an accomplishment for me as I have never asked an unknown girl and i'm more of a shy person. Way to go.

Great! Like you said..What's the worse that could happen?

 

[The Artful Dodger]

Completely closed my POF. Total freedom!

Lol, if it's not working for you, no sense in sticking with it and hoping something changes. Congrats.

 

[giga]

Was she doing that before or after the break up?

After. But we were also hooking up after the break up. Basically, she was fucking both of us. And after I found out, I cut all ties.

 

[ShadowgeistX]

gaf.

today i asked a fuckin unknown girl for her telephone number. she sat right in front of me in a train. there were two passengers next to us. i smiled, she smiled and it was kinda awkward. I had a feeling that she's interested in me and thought you know something like "fuck life, i have nothing to lose" and just said "hi how are you" or some stupid shit like that not giving a fuck what the people right next to me are thinking. at the end of this smalI-talk bullshit I just asked her if she wants to give me her number. and yeah.. she did it, was easier than i actually thought. Actually I think she's more happy than I am.
her smile was fuckin heart melting =D

it's quite an accomplishment for me as I have never asked an unknown girl and i'm more of a shy person. Way to go.

Congrats man, that's almost inspirational. I remember a few moments on public transit that were like the beginning of your story, but I never capitalized on it at all.

Now I don't take public transit. =(

Completely closed my POF. Total freedom!

Nice. Dating sites are kinda like a chore, like cleaning the house or taking out the trash. Except it feels totally unnecessary. I'll probably close/wipe mine when I can be bothered as well. I'm just going to be content with where I am, whether I meet anyone special or not.

 

[Tdog987]

gaf.

today i asked a fuckin unknown girl for her telephone number. she sat right in front of me in a train. there were two passengers next to us. i smiled, she smiled and it was kinda awkward. I had a feeling that she's interested in me and thought you know something like "fuck life, i have nothing to lose" and just said "hi how are you" or some stupid shit like that not giving a fuck what the people right next to me are thinking. at the end of this smalI-talk bullshit I just asked her if she wants to give me her number. and yeah.. she did it, was easier than i actually thought. Actually I think she's more happy than I am.
her smile was fuckin heart melting =D

it's quite an accomplishment for me as I have never asked an unknown girl and i'm more of a shy person. Way to go.

Grats man

 

[PflargBlarg]

gaf.

today i asked a fuckin unknown girl for her telephone number. she sat right in front of me in a train. there were two passengers next to us. i smiled, she smiled and it was kinda awkward. I had a feeling that she's interested in me and thought you know something like "fuck life, i have nothing to lose" and just said "hi how are you" or some stupid shit like that not giving a fuck what the people right next to me are thinking. at the end of this smalI-talk bullshit I just asked her if she wants to give me her number. and yeah.. she did it, was easier than i actually thought. Actually I think she's more happy than I am.
her smile was fuckin heart melting =D

it's quite an accomplishment for me as I have never asked an unknown girl and i'm more of a shy person. Way to go.

This is really impressive to me!
I've always been terrible at this myself and have never actually successfully asked a girl out. I just got incredibly lucky that getting my girlfriend just kind of happened.

Any how, really good for you man Success stories are always great, and it just shows that not giving a fuck and realizing that you really don't have anything to lose is the way to go.

 

[Leeness]

Lol, if it's not working for you, no sense in sticking with it and hoping something changes. Congrats.

Exactly! It's all so useless. I don't even know why I had it in the first place lol

Nice. Dating sites are kinda like a chore, like cleaning the house or taking out the trash. Except it feels totally unnecessary. I'll probably close/wipe mine when I can be bothered as well. I'm just going to be content with where I am, whether I meet anyone special or not.

I had already hidden it, but I was getting annoyed even knowing it existed, so I totally nuked it.

 

[GutsOfThor]

So an update on my situation: The New Years Eve party looks like it's not going to happen and the girl I'm interested in is not really "friends" with the bass player. She's only met her a couple of times. Looks like my only option to contact this girl is through Facebook which I didn't really want to do......

 

[beat]

So an update on my situation: The New Years Eve party looks like it's not going to happen and the girl I'm interested in is not really "friends" with the bass player. She's only met her a couple of times. Looks like my only option to contact this girl is through Facebook which I didn't really want to do......

So you'd rather just not contact her at all???

 

[Kung Fu Jedi]

So an update on my situation: The New Years Eve party looks like it's not going to happen and the girl I'm interested in is not really "friends" with the bass player. She's only met her a couple of times. Looks like my only option to contact this girl is through Facebook which I didn't really want to do......

Fortune favors the bold.

 

[God Enel]

This is really impressive to me!
I've always been terrible at this myself and have never actually successfully asked a girl out. I just got incredibly lucky that getting my girlfriend just kind of happened.

Any how, really good for you man Success stories are always great, and it just shows that not giving a fuck and realizing that you really don't have anything to lose is the way to go.

Well, i've never done it either and it was really weird and i was nervous but who cares? Honestly, I think she made it quite easy for me as she was smiling and looking at me quite frequently, then started playing with her hair and shit.
You know how many opportunities you (I) miss by not just talking to people you find likeable. How many (presumably) awesome People i've Never got to know as I had not the guts to talk to. Missed friendships or more.
Wrote her a message yesterday and asked her if she would like to have (go out for?) a date. Obviously she said yes. So next week guys.

 

[zeemumu]

So an update on my situation: The New Years Eve party looks like it's not going to happen and the girl I'm interested in is not really "friends" with the bass player. She's only met her a couple of times. Looks like my only option to contact this girl is through Facebook which I didn't really want to do......

If she showed interest in you I don't think that it would be considered out of line to talk to her on Facebook. Besides, if things don't work out then what are you afraid of happening? You don't see her often and apparently your friend doesn't either, so she's not deeply rooted in your social circle. Worst-case scenario is that she's not interested and that's it. Nothing happens.

 

[Sailor]

Well, i've never done it either and it was really weird and i was nervous but who cares? Honestly, I think she made it quite easy for me as she was smiling and looking at me quite frequently, then started playing with her hair and shit.
You know how many opportunities you (I) miss by not just talking to people you find likeable. How many (presumably) awesome People i've Never got to know as I had not the guts to talk to. Missed friendships or more.
Wrote her a message yesterday and asked her if she would like to have (go out for?) a date. Obviously she said yes. So next week guys.

You mean she was twirling her hair when she was sitting across from you on the train? Classic haha, congrats man.

 

[-ImaginaryInsider]

So an update on my situation: The New Years Eve party looks like it's not going to happen and the girl I'm interested in is not really "friends" with the bass player. She's only met her a couple of times. Looks like my only option to contact this girl is through Facebook which I didn't really want to do......

You got to play the cards you're dealt man, very rarely are the circumstances ideal. I was in a very similar situation with a girl, met at a party, barely spoke to her, added her on facebook, got to know her, and we eventually dated.

 

[TruckDriver]

So I've been dating someone for about 4-5 weeks now, and we have a good time, but I'm not feeling that spark for her. Like, that head over heels, really digging somebody, feeling. I'm on the fence about her, and not sure what to do.

I don't want to get closer with someone that I'm not feeling anything too strong for, but I don't want to ends things prematurely either (it also doesn't help that she's moving further away from me, and closer into the city. And she said it herself recently, that she's not sure if she's ready for any kind of commitment, things being so unstable now.). Any suggestions?

(This is just rant, but the older I get (28 now), the harder it seems to meet quality people. I have no trouble meeting, dating and having fun with women, but it's harder to find people that I'd have a stronger connection for.)

 

[youngwerther]

You mean she was twirling her hair when she was sitting across from you on the train? Classic haha, congrats man.

Is the "twirling her hair" even really a thing anymore?
It seems like every girl just does it constantly.

 

[PflargBlarg]

Is the "twirling her hair" even really a thing anymore?
It seems like every girl just does it constantly.

Well there is quite the difference between absent-mindedly twirling hair and constant smiling and stealing glances while coyly twirling hair.

 

[Kung Fu Jedi]

Personally, I think the whole twirling hair as some kind of indicator is just complete bullshit. Women twirl their hair all the time. For some it is just a reflex action that they don't even know that they are doing. For others it is a nervous reaction, but they could be nervous about any number of things. I put this into the category of reading too much into something.

As an example, I don't think I've seen my girlfriend twirl her hair ever. At least not that I've ever really noticed. But I have a married coworker who does it all the time.

 

[electricshake]

I twirl my hair all the time.

 

[etrain911]

Yes as long as at least one person has romantic feelings for the other, friendship isn't going to work. I usually refuse when that happens. Down the road is a different story. You need time alone first.

Usually, refusing has a profound effect down the line. I refused to be friends with a recent fling (she said she was "getting serious" about another guy she's dating) and she's reached out to me twice within two weeks. The second time she asked me out on a date even though "I feel myself falling for (the other guy) and I don't want to mess that up, but I don't want to lose someone as amazing as you." Walking away shows that you have self-respect, know what you want, and are assertive, as long as you aren't a cold asshole about it and clear about your reasons for doing so (i.e. I can't move on if I still have these feelings for you, and you won't enjoy spending time with the other guy if you're hanging out with me and have feelings for me.).

I actually need help, GAF. Because, I do still have these feelings for her and knowing that she (somewhat) reciprocates is preventing me from being able to move on. I just know that I feel like she's only "infatuated" with the other guy, given the way she talks about him ("like it was meant to happen before we even met.") and I feel like the way I left things, if things fall apart with him, she'll end up with me. But, I also don't want to sit around and wait because humans are unpredictable and it could really screw me over. But, it's all I can think about. So how do I detatch?

 

[Kung Fu Jedi]

Usually, refusing has a profound effect down the line. I refused to be friends with a recent fling (she said she was "getting serious" about another guy she's dating) and she's reached out to me twice within two weeks. The second time she asked me out on a date even though "I feel myself falling for (the other guy) and I don't want to mess that up, but I don't want to lose someone as amazing as you." Walking away shows that you have self-respect, know what you want, and are assertive, as long as you aren't a cold asshole about it and clear about your reasons for doing so (i.e. I can't move on if I still have these feelings for you, and you won't enjoy spending time with the other guy if you're hanging out with me and have feelings for me.).

I actually need help, GAF. Because, I do still have these feelings for her and knowing that she (somewhat) reciprocates is preventing me from being able to move on. I just know that I feel like she's only "infatuated" with the other guy, given the way she talks about him ("like it was meant to happen before we even met.") and I feel like the way I left things, if things fall apart with him, she'll end up with me. But, I also don't want to sit around and wait because humans are unpredictable and it could really screw me over. But, it's all I can think about. So how do I detatch?

I wouldn't want to be someone's second choice or fallback plan. Just sayin'!

 

[etrain911]

I wouldn't want to be someone's second choice or fallback plan. Just sayin'!

I know. She basically admitted she didn't know what she wants, and I think asking me out for coffee was kind of her realizing what she lost when she chose to get serious with the other guy. It's just...ugh...dat mixed messaging. "I don't want to mess things up with him, but I'm going to reach out to you after you haven't contacted me period and ask to meet up for coffee". So I told her what I was looking for from her, and she said she wanted the same thing, but she just seemed so confused.I haven't talked to her for a week now, I'm not going to reach out.

 

[stn]

Agree with Kung Fu Jedi. I never understood how some people were okay with being a fallback. You're basically being told "I like you if my first option doesn't like me." Its like you're some kind of a concession of sorts. Its not even about ego or anything, it just makes me wonder how much that person could genuinely like me if they openly made me their #2.

 

[Minamu]

Agree with Kung Fu Jedi. I never understood how some people were okay with being a fallback. You're basically being told "I like you if my first option doesn't like me." Its like you're some kind of a concession of sorts. Its not even about ego or anything, it just makes me wonder how much that person could genuinely like me if they openly made me their #2.

I agree, though at the same time it's the perfect opportunity to practice being carefree. Talk about applying a societal label on a feeling. It's not the feeling itself or the situation that makes you feel bad about being number 2. It's just you and societal pressure. When you think about it at least Still feelsbadman.jpg but you know.

 

[beat]

Honestly, for the right woman, I'd take being a second choice over being someone she used to know. But I wouldn't want to wait around for her or root for her first choice to fall through either.