lachesis
Member
It's been about 4 months since my divorce has been finalized. She had an emotional affair w/ one of her ex boyfriend during our marriage, and blamed me for finding out her private affair... for whatever that is.
Even though I had every intention & tried to keep the marriage alive, things went pretty sour quickly and never recovered for 4 agonizing years. Was married for 15 years, have 1 child of 10 yr old.
During our cool down period during that 4 year - she insisted to live in SC for a high paying job. (I'm in NJ) She took my child with her and threatened me if I didn't let her go to her new job, she would file divorce immediately. I reluctantly agreed and lived alone for about a year. Then her company in SC lost the biggest client, so she was fired less than 10 month mark. She had no other job prospect in SC, so came back to NJ for interviews in NYC.
During that time, she has promised my child that she'd get a dog. She did ask me whether it's okay to get a puppy - and I said okay, knowing it would be good as a "family", even though I knew it would mean that I'll be the one to take care of the dog, as well as my child - that she works at least 60-70 hrs per wk. I have always been the one to take care of my child before and after school - cooking, cleaning etc, as my ex left house early and came home near midnight almost daily basis. Frequent business trips including weekends as well. Even to this day - she leaves daily care to her live-in sister of hers, who also have divorced her husband and lived almost 7 years under my house.
Fast forward few years, things became even worse, that ex filed for divorce behind my back, unlike our agreement to file in when everything is agreed upon in due time and all. Had to sell the house that we built from ground up & divided everything in even half (although I'm paying more for college support even though we are pretty much on equal terms of earning) - at least no alimony nor designated child support $$$ as we are sharing 50/50 of legal and physical custody... so I guess I'm one of the lucky ones.
Divorce was finalized in end of Aug, so it's been about 4 months. I had to buy a place quickly to pickup my life for myself and my child. What happened is happened - and I have detached myself away from her. Person that I knew & loved, isn't just there - and I also have changed over the 4 years of emotional distress and hopelessness - but slowing gaining back my normal self these days. (crossing fingers)
So our custody of child is week on, week off. She tries to bend the rules of our Marital Settlement Agreement though - She takes frequent business (?) trips, so she likes to modify the dates quite often. I'm fine with most of it - as it's her who's losing her time with our child, not me. However, she also wants to leave the dog with me whenever it's my turn to take care of my child.
Technically, I have no issue of taking care of the dog if I really tried. I don't hate dogs like her live-in sister does - actually I quite like dogs in general - but the dog, even though ex insists it's my child's dog - is legally hers, and it was between her and my child who decided to get a dog. I just merely agreed and followed, and took care of it most of the time because I was only one who was up for it. Even though I do like dogs, I don't want to keep one in the house because I feel bad for the dog, which gets left alone in the house for the most of the time, and I do work pretty late sometimes.
But what bothers me the most, is that I do have this sense of being "used" by my ex. A U.S. citizenship, her grad degree (both financially & academically, as I practically did more than half of her works), her glowing career which I sought out even when she was about to give up, or using my address for her nomad sister and niece to get their green card - as soon as their green cards were issued, it's almost comical that she filed in for divorce. I just cannot help thinking she's still trying to use me wherever she can on whim.
Since she's mother of my child, I cannot get rid of her in my life, and I get that. However, her betrayal left me such a scar, that I don't really consider her a friend either. Yes, I resent her quite a bit. I do not yell or get angry - but I don't initiate anything with her anymore, unless it's about our child's immediate need. (So far, I had none, she has made many..)
Yet she guilt trips me when it comes down to the dog. I have refused a few times so far, by just saying no - but when she had to go out of town to visit her ill father in overseas - I took my child along with the dog for a couple weeks in sympathy - but she's doing it again this time to take in the dog, w/o giving me any reasonable reasons. I previously suggested doggie hotels and whatnot, yet her answers are all on guilt tripping me on how my child loves the dog, and she hates to return the dog to the agency, and her live-in (psycho) sister won't take care of the dog.
Sorry for the long post & thanks for reading - and I'd love to know anyones input.
Even though I had every intention & tried to keep the marriage alive, things went pretty sour quickly and never recovered for 4 agonizing years. Was married for 15 years, have 1 child of 10 yr old.
During our cool down period during that 4 year - she insisted to live in SC for a high paying job. (I'm in NJ) She took my child with her and threatened me if I didn't let her go to her new job, she would file divorce immediately. I reluctantly agreed and lived alone for about a year. Then her company in SC lost the biggest client, so she was fired less than 10 month mark. She had no other job prospect in SC, so came back to NJ for interviews in NYC.
During that time, she has promised my child that she'd get a dog. She did ask me whether it's okay to get a puppy - and I said okay, knowing it would be good as a "family", even though I knew it would mean that I'll be the one to take care of the dog, as well as my child - that she works at least 60-70 hrs per wk. I have always been the one to take care of my child before and after school - cooking, cleaning etc, as my ex left house early and came home near midnight almost daily basis. Frequent business trips including weekends as well. Even to this day - she leaves daily care to her live-in sister of hers, who also have divorced her husband and lived almost 7 years under my house.
Fast forward few years, things became even worse, that ex filed for divorce behind my back, unlike our agreement to file in when everything is agreed upon in due time and all. Had to sell the house that we built from ground up & divided everything in even half (although I'm paying more for college support even though we are pretty much on equal terms of earning) - at least no alimony nor designated child support $$$ as we are sharing 50/50 of legal and physical custody... so I guess I'm one of the lucky ones.
Divorce was finalized in end of Aug, so it's been about 4 months. I had to buy a place quickly to pickup my life for myself and my child. What happened is happened - and I have detached myself away from her. Person that I knew & loved, isn't just there - and I also have changed over the 4 years of emotional distress and hopelessness - but slowing gaining back my normal self these days. (crossing fingers)
So our custody of child is week on, week off. She tries to bend the rules of our Marital Settlement Agreement though - She takes frequent business (?) trips, so she likes to modify the dates quite often. I'm fine with most of it - as it's her who's losing her time with our child, not me. However, she also wants to leave the dog with me whenever it's my turn to take care of my child.
Technically, I have no issue of taking care of the dog if I really tried. I don't hate dogs like her live-in sister does - actually I quite like dogs in general - but the dog, even though ex insists it's my child's dog - is legally hers, and it was between her and my child who decided to get a dog. I just merely agreed and followed, and took care of it most of the time because I was only one who was up for it. Even though I do like dogs, I don't want to keep one in the house because I feel bad for the dog, which gets left alone in the house for the most of the time, and I do work pretty late sometimes.
But what bothers me the most, is that I do have this sense of being "used" by my ex. A U.S. citizenship, her grad degree (both financially & academically, as I practically did more than half of her works), her glowing career which I sought out even when she was about to give up, or using my address for her nomad sister and niece to get their green card - as soon as their green cards were issued, it's almost comical that she filed in for divorce. I just cannot help thinking she's still trying to use me wherever she can on whim.
Since she's mother of my child, I cannot get rid of her in my life, and I get that. However, her betrayal left me such a scar, that I don't really consider her a friend either. Yes, I resent her quite a bit. I do not yell or get angry - but I don't initiate anything with her anymore, unless it's about our child's immediate need. (So far, I had none, she has made many..)
Yet she guilt trips me when it comes down to the dog. I have refused a few times so far, by just saying no - but when she had to go out of town to visit her ill father in overseas - I took my child along with the dog for a couple weeks in sympathy - but she's doing it again this time to take in the dog, w/o giving me any reasonable reasons. I previously suggested doggie hotels and whatnot, yet her answers are all on guilt tripping me on how my child loves the dog, and she hates to return the dog to the agency, and her live-in (psycho) sister won't take care of the dog.
Sorry for the long post & thanks for reading - and I'd love to know anyones input.