Advice time.... ._.
My ex-boyfriend and I met at a youth group for gays in high school. We hit it off really quickly (talking about vidjya, I'm pretty sure we spent about half the time badmouthing the plot of Borderlands.... I don't remember, it was over a year ago.)
Anyways, the relationship could only have been described as "fucking awesome." We saw each other nearly every day, were content cuddling and playing vidjya together for hours on end, and quite possibly had the greatest summer ever together, pooling up money for road trips to Maine and even Canada once or twice. There was exactly one major issue, however:
His mom didn't approve of us dating.
The first time I went over his house, it wasn't five minutes after introducing myself to his parents that his mother ran into the bathroom and started to loudly weep and pray. I then found out that his mother is a devout Catholic, and he was, at the time, going to a private Catholic school. Fuck.
That somehow got out of our collective memory, and after the relationship had been solidified he asked me to prom. That was, perhaps, the happiest I have ever been; I've been homeschooled since I was in 4th grade, and one of my biggest regrets is never going to a school dance, and knowing I'll never be able to go to my senior prom. Well, surprise surprise, his mother didn't want this to happen. We both pleaded with her for a while to change her mind (mostly me), but she wasn't going to budge. She even rejected the idea of me bringing a girl from my boyfriend's school as a fag hag, and both of us being able to at least be at the prom as friends (but not dance, etc.)
So, I suggested to my boyfriend that we just go anyways, because his mother was being an unreasonable bigot. He said I just needed to let it go, and that his mother had some points.
WAT.
I asked him what these points were and he commented that she "felt it would ruin her reputation with the other mothers, and make it awkward to show up to school events." Soooooo she was humiliated of her own son, who was siding with her on this ordeal. Fucking fantastic.
I promised myself I'd break up with him if he didn't come up with a solution for this. I didn't, and he didn't even try. He, as well as his mother, didn't see what the big deal of me going to prom was. Didn't understand that it's okay to be proud of who you are, and that I have just as much of a right as anyone else to go to a senior prom with my boyfriend. He ended up going with a girl, and I stayed home and cried.
Summer came, we forgot about it. I have no idea how, but I was as happy as I had ever been in the relationship; I was in love. I told him that. He said he loved me too. (to be honest, we'd been saying that for a while, but it needs to be stated.) Eventually it came time for both of us to go to college; his high school GPA was abysmal, and he ended up going to a profitcollege in Vermont. I went to college in Massachusetts. We were 4 hours apart, and he eventually stopped making an effort to contact me. He still said he loved me in the occasional call, but during that first semester of college (I'm in my second semester now), days would regularly go by with no word from him.
Another problem emerged: I hated college. I missed my boyfriend, I missed my old friends, I missed my accordion, I missed my band, and despite multiple requests to the contrary, I was roomed with TWO other guys (both straight) in uncomfortably close quarters. Things were awkward for everyone. I'm not the type to flaunt my sexuality in public (my boyfriend and I never did PDAs, I'm not even remotely flamboyant,) but once I told my roommates I was gay news spread quick, and it became pretty difficult to make friends with people near me. To make matters worse, I got the flu on my second week of school and was bedridden and miserable. I ended up, in a moment I don't believe I'll ever forget, wandering out into the stairwell so I could cry to myself without being judged by my roommates. I called my boyfriend (it was around 3AM), and he picked up and attempted to comfort me. I told him I truly loved him and thought he was the one. He began to cry and said he thought I was the one too.
The next day I felt a lot better, but he still wasn't making any regular effort to contact me, and the occasional (daily/bi-daily) texts I sent didn't get a response, despite the recent emotional moment. I worked up the courage to ask him if he really still felt for me, and he said yes, that he truly loved me and was just busy at school.
Well, first break I got (thanksgiving, 4 months ago), he dumped me. Without any emotion or regret whatsoever. I still really don't know what to think. Looking back on it, the relationship was wonderful but I'm not sure if I was ever compatible with him intellectually. On the other hand, I still think about him occasionally and miss the cutesy, carefree relationship that we had. My main issue with the breakup is that I immediately questioned him on why he continued to say he loved me (he had done so earlier that day, in fact) and why he recently said he thought I was the one. He said he lied about that stuff so he wouldn't hurt my feelings.
Well, good fucking going there. =\
It's been 4 months. I've already had another boyfriend (delicious chiseled abs, no personality) that lasted about a week. I really don't know what to feel like. It's to the point that I have tons of friends, a better living situation on campus, etc, and am content on my own, but I don't feel happy without having someone to cuddle when I'm down. Am I just too weak to be alone? I'm 18, btw. This probably all seems like a long ramble, as I've got a cold and tend to get superemotional when I'm sick, I just need comfort ._. I don't know if I still love him. I'm not mad at him anymore, I just simultaneously don't want him back and want to get into the exact same type of relationship with someone else.
).