How do I not hate myself?

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Mar 16, 2011
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#1
Let me introduce myself... I am "Sadsic", and I have lead a pretty miserable existence...

I am 21 years old, and have generally been heavily depressed my entire life. I come from a family with a lot of mental illness; my mother has bipolar disorder, my grandmother has ocd, my grandfather has depression, my aunt has Munchhausen's, my cousin has tourette's, my other grandmother killed herself, my aunt had schizophrenia until she killed herself, my uncle has bipolar, and I have some mental illnesses myself... so I most likely have a flawed view on reality.

My parents divorced when I was 8, and I lived with my mother (with my sister)... she was (and is) very unstable. Her boyfriend at the time raped me, and my mother never believed it. I repressed this until I was 15, because my mother told me it didn't happen... I tried to kill her when I was 9, but she subdued me. I'm not sure why I did that.

I was intensely abused by my mom for roughly the rest of my childhood, in a lot of ways that I cannot get over... sometimes she would berate me, hit me, call me anything she could think of, for hours on end. It was really painful, but I had no where else to go. I tried running away a few times but it never succeeded. No matter what I did, I couldn't get away...

I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when I was 13, and after that, things became worse. Roughly 20% of my adolescence was spent locked away in mental hospitals or group homes against my will, it was like being raped over and over. I was put on many different drugs without me having any control, including one that made me go blind and have a severe brain condition which nearly killed me; I now have permanent eye and spine damage. I also have wrecked my heart, liver and kidneys by the high amount of drugs I was forced on throughout my life.

I came out as bisexual when I was 16, and a lot of my family abandoned me. My grandfather believes I am a "wrong" person, and a lot of my father's family pretends I don't exist. I was bullied a lot in high school for being gay even though I wasn't, and I also had severe anxiety problems from the amount of abuse my mother gave me.

I was blamed for ruining all my mom's relationships during my childhood and was told I had an oedipus complex by one man she almost married, which deeply disturbed and disgusted me (he had asperger's, and I think he was projecting this from his own bullshit). So, when my mother decided to get married to a man she only knew for a month, I did not do anything. She re-married, and became a much more violent person afterwards, as she realized he was a much different person than he seemed.

My mother then started torturing me on a daily basis, drawing bras on me and demasculating me, while endlessly berating me for being a complete failure, which I was at the time... I had basically given up on high school and was in and out of mental hospitals all the time at this point. I was kicked out to my dad's house, but they could not handle me (nor anyone else in my family), so I was sent back after a few months. I cannot say how horrible these years were.

At some point around here, I met my first long term girlfriend... we were deeply in love, and we sort of pulled each other together, with her and I graduating 1st and 2nd in our class (in that order). At some point she cheated on me with a man who was 40 years older than her and left me devastated... this was when things became very bleak.

When I was 18, I tried going to college; I had horrible panic attacks and had to be hospitalized multiple times to keep me from killing myself... I couldn't live with being a failure, and I mother repeated told me that if I didn't go to school anymore I would be homeless. I was not able to keep a steady job during this part because of my panic attacks, and was mostly being taken against my will by the police over and over to mental hospitals to try worse and worse drugs on myself...

When I was 20, I was put in a mental hospital, and was told over the phone that I was homeless and had to go a homeless shelter... I owned a car at this point, but my mother refused to pick me up, so i walked 20 miles to my grandparent's house (which was the closest relative), but they pretended they didn't know me, and had my aunt pick me up instead of acknowledging they had a bisexual grandson.

I was then immediately taken back to another mental facility, which told me I was sane, and was released, only to have mother then put me in a group home against my will for nearly a year... I hated living there, and somewhere around early 2011 I got out of there, and had convinced my mother to let me move back in, in the hopes of letting me have a steady job so I could support myself (which I couldn't at the group home). After about 2 months of looking for a job, my mother could not stand me being with her and just told me to leave, and never see her again. Out of desperation, I called my father, who lived 7 states away, to see if I had any last hope of a place to live. Luckily, he said yes, but I had no way to get there other than to drive. I had no money, so I sold 80% of my belongings to scrap together the gas money to get there.

I slept in my car a few days, not knowing if I could even reach there, not knowing if I could even feed myself, and eventually made it there... I couldn't stop crying for many days. For the longest time, I didn't realize I was being abused... I thought I deserved all the pain my mother gave me. But I realize now I was just a kid, and there was no way I could've deserved such an existence... there was so many times where I had to be made fun of, and screamed at, and mentally destroyed to the state of being physically catatonic, I'm not even sure why. It hurts me so much... why did my mom do that to me, I struggle with this so hard... why did God let me suffer?

I'm crying and feeling so suicidal at this moment in my life... I haven't been able to restart college since I've been here successfully and I'm currently unemployed... my last girlfriend hates me and I don't have any money or friends really.

I didn't write all this for pity, I don't want to be told sorry, I just want to know... how do I live with this? My life so far has been so intensely miserable, I have spent most of my life in situations I couldn't control, being made fun of, being betrayed, being hurt, by people I loved. How do I not just feel like death all day?

EDIT: this is also missing a lot of other things that hurt/confused me, like living with my uncle for a short time and being blamed for my mother's abortion, being forced by my grandparents into a sexual relationship with my cousin, having a mental breakdown in the middle of a party, etc.
 
Apr 2, 2009
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#2
If this is genuine, you should seek out professional counseling and therapy, because internet strangers aren't going to have the training to give you the help you need. There are likely groups/organizations in your area, and if you use the internet you should be able to find the closest ones. You should get off the internet and get the psychological help and networking that you need in real life, because online "help" is a pale substitute for the real thing. Your story is very tragic and you shouldn't suffer needlessly for it.
 
Jan 23, 2007
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#3
If this was prompted by what happened in the other thread, I just want to say good job. A new thread is a much better place to deal with this stuff.
 
Nov 16, 2006
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If this is genuine, you should seek out professional counseling and therapy, because internet strangers aren't going to have the training to give you the help you need. There are likely groups/organizations in your area, and if you use the internet you should be able to find the closest ones. You should get off the internet and get the psychological help and networking that you need in real life, because online "help" is a pale substitute for the real thing. Your story is very tragic and you shouldn't suffer needlessly for it.
This. See some professionals.
 
Mar 16, 2011
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#5
If this is genuine, you should seek out professional counseling and therapy, because internet strangers aren't going to have the training to give you the help you need. There are likely groups in your area, and if you use the internet you should be able to find them and get the psychological help and networking that you need. Your story is very tragic and you shouldn't suffer needlessly for it.
I don't have any insurance right now, the county I live in doesn't have any mental health services

I'm really wary of medicine, and the last two therapists told me I was "too far gone" and told me to leave
 
Mar 29, 2005
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#6
I'm crying and feeling so suicidal at this moment in my life... I haven't been able to restart college since I've been here successfully and I'm currently unemployed... my last girlfriend hates me and I don't have any money or friends really.

I didn't write all this for pity, I don't want to be told sorry, I just want to know... how do I live with this? My life so far has been so intensely miserable, I have spent most of my life in situations I couldn't control, being made fun of, being betrayed, being hurt, by people I loved. How do I not just feel like death all day?
You sound like you need real help real fast. If the bolded is accurate and as bad as it sounds, I wouldn't even wait 'til morning. Call a suicide hotline or take yourself to an emergency room; suicidal ideation is a perfectly legitimate reason to go to the ER.

You could be suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder, and you might be at the right point to get help with it. The first year I spent working on it was positively abysmal, but I am happier now than I have ever been. Talk therapy goes a long way for these sorts of issues. I am, however, not a doctor, and this should not be considered a diagnosis. It is a plea for you to seek help. You can't do this alone.

I don't have any insurance right now, the county I live in doesn't have any mental health services

I'm really wary of medicine, and the last two therapists told me I was "too far gone" and told me to leave
wtf??? Would you mind telling us where you live?
 
Mar 16, 2011
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You sound like you need real help real fast. If the bolded is accurate and as bad as it sounds, I wouldn't even wait 'til morning. Call a suicide hotline or take yourself to an emergency room; suicidal ideation is a perfectly legitimate reason to go to the ER.
Honestly I feel like this about once a day, I've felt way worse than this

wtf??? Would you mind telling us where you live?
Southern Maryland
 
May 1, 2010
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A lot. It's so nice and happy, I just wanna go live there instead of this bullshit life
easiest thing is to find people with similar interests and just talk. doesnt have to be MLP but see if you can find something that can get you connected to people to help with the depression and stave off loneliness. Formal therapy like others suggested can help but sometimes it can be awkward especially with the social anxiety you described. Try to start small and don't get discouraged.
 
Mar 16, 2011
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#13
It seems you need to get out of the destuctive enviroment you are in. Start anew somewhere. that is all I can say.
Well I'm living with my dad, and have been for the last year; I didn't realize how bad my life was until I had some time for self-reflection and wasn't in mental survival mode for like 10 years
 
Mar 16, 2011
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im feeling really fucking stupid that this is my thread on this forum... ive been reading this site for like 8 years and spent most of my teenage years idolizing this forum

i am a fuck up
 
Dec 8, 2008
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#15
Hey OP: There is absolutely no shame in getting professional help. It doesn't mean you're broken, and it does not mean you're weak.

Many of my friends have sought help during their ups and downs in life (especially during their college years), and it really, really helped them.

Please do. If you're in college, those services are likely free on your campus.
 
Apr 2, 2009
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I don't have any insurance right now, the county I live in doesn't have any mental health services

I'm really wary of medicine, and the last two therapists told me I was "too far gone" and told me to leave
You've checked everywhere?

Here's a list I just found with a search:

http://somd.com/health/mental/

For example:

Center for Children, Inc.
http://www.center-for-children.org/
6100 Radio Station Road
P.O. Box 2924
La Plata, MD 20646
View Map via: Google Maps : MapQuest : Yahoo Maps : Driving Directions
301-609-9887 301-753-4002 FAX: 301-609-7284

The Center for Children is a private, non-profit mental health clinic providing therapeutic services to individuals, adults, and families.The Center for Children provides comprehensive mental health services that include individual, family, play and group therapy, Psychological testing and evaluations, psychiatric evaluations, psychopharmacological services and psycho-social evaluations for children and families. The Center provides advocacy, comprehensive evaluation and treatment for child victims, family members, and survivors of physical and sexual abuse.




---

Maybe they're not exactly who you need as an adult, but I'm sure they'd have contacts for other free similar help organizations. The road to healing starts with taking the first step.
 
Sep 22, 2006
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#1 Is living with your Dad a good environment? You need to live in a place with 0 physical and verbal abuse to you and the people around you.

#2 You need professional therapy. You're full of bad memories about being locked away and etc. but if you drive to an appointment weekly and leave by yourself talking to a great person that will do whatever he can to help you mentally will be a very different experience.
 
Mar 29, 2005
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#18
im feeling really fucking stupid that this is my thread on this forum... ive been reading this site for like 8 years and spent most of my teenage years idolizing this forum

i am a fuck up
Relax. We tear each other to shreds over trivial bullshit, but this is generally a supportive environment when shit gets real. I don't think you're stupid, I think you're approaching a breaking point.
 

whitehawk

leeches are the best bait when attempting to land bass
Jan 27, 2008
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#19
You need to stay away from most of your family, especially your mom. They are doing nothing but hurting you. Glad you are with your dad right now, what I read was pretty rough.

Seek professional help from a psychologist. I've been to one before for some rough anxiety I had a few years ago and it helped a lot. They really can help, believe me. And if they ever EVER tell you you're "too far gone", then they are not professionals.
 
Dec 8, 2007
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#21
Dying is easy.Living is harder. If your story is indeed legit, then I'm really sorry to hear how painful and unfair your life has been. I'd seriously go with seeking professional help. There's got to be someone in your life who can serve as a stable support system for you.
 
Mar 16, 2011
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You've checked everywhere?

http://somd.com/health/mental/

Center for Children, Inc.
http://www.center-for-children.org/
6100 Radio Station Road
P.O. Box 2924
La Plata, MD 20646
View Map via: Google Maps : MapQuest : Yahoo Maps : Driving Directions
301-609-9887 301-753-4002 FAX: 301-609-7284

The Center for Children is a private, non-profit mental health clinic providing therapeutic services to individuals, adults, and families.The Center for Children provides comprehensive mental health services that include individual, family, play and group therapy, Psychological testing and evaluations, psychiatric evaluations, psychopharmacological services and psycho-social evaluations for children and families. The Center provides advocacy, comprehensive evaluation and treatment for child victims, family members, and survivors of physical and sexual abuse.




---

Maybe they're not exactly who you need as an adult, but I'm sure they'd have contacts for other free similar help organizations.

I actually went there, had an appointment, was told I was getting help, and then eventually was told to come back when I was on medication and had a doctor

I have medication from a free clinic now, but it doesnt help much
 
Oct 25, 2010
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#23
From what you say here, I'd say priority #1 should be eliminating your mother from your life entirely. Do whatever it takes to achieve financial independence and make this happen. How is life with your father?

I'd like to know more about your therapy experiences. What kinds of therapists were they? What did they try before giving up on you? How has your experience with mood-altering drugs been?
 
Jul 7, 2011
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In teh woods
#24
Well I'm living with my dad, and have been for the last year; I didn't realize how bad my life was until I had some time for self-reflection and wasn't in mental survival mode for like 10 years
I'd have to strongly recommend psychological counseling or even psychiatry, if you are indeed having suicidal or homicidal thoughts.

And this may not be the most eloquent answer, but if you are really in a bind and must do something fast, try drugs. If even it only helps for a moment, sometimes that moment is worth it. I'd always favor a drug experience over living day after day, minute after minute of pure mental misery.

So go get help, bottom line. And do what works in the short term.
 
Mar 16, 2011
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#1 Is living with your Dad a good environment? You need to live in a place with 0 physical and verbal abuse to you and the people around you.

#2 You need professional therapy. You're full of bad memories about being locked away and etc. but if you drive to an appointment weekly and leave by yourself talking to a great person that will do whatever he can to help you mentally will be a very different experience.
1 = much better than with my mom, but still not what i want at all

2 = i have an in-take with this free clinic in a few days, but honestly im not expecting much; they've already told me twice that there's a large chance they dont actually have the capacity to give me free therapy, and i can't afford anything really right now
 

Feep

Second-hand Citizen
Sep 14, 2006
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#28
NeoGAF First Reply™ technology comes through again.

We can provide support for you, but you need more than that. I would, however, hang on to the fact that you are remarkably young, and have your entire life ahead of you for a fresh start. You can put it all behind you, if you really want to.
 
Jul 7, 2011
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#32
1 = much better than with my mom, but still not what i want at all

2 = i have an in-take with this free clinic in a few days, but honestly im not expecting much; they've already told me twice that there's a large chance they dont actually have the capacity to give me free therapy, and i can't afford anything really right now
Fun fact, if you're committed to a State Hospital for a certain length of time (I'm pretty sure this applies to MD) you get your prescriptions for free or nearly free.
 
May 23, 2006
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#33
Seek professional help. Work towards achievable goals. I'm currently in a work out process. I'm starting slow, but its helping me mentally to improve myself. Im trying to think of myself as kinda like an RPG character...I need to level up.
 
Mar 16, 2011
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#34
This is not uncommon in situations like yours. You aren't a freak or anything. You are suffering from traumatic psychological damage, and that's not your fault.
how about i get very turned on by thinking of rape? or that i had a sexual relationship with my cousin that was prompted by my grandparents? or that i like to cut the skin off my genitals for fun?

im not going to pretend im not deeply confused and fucked up
 
Oct 5, 2009
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#35
Hating yourself is a normal feeling when bad things happen to you. You start to blame yourself.

Damn man, you really need to seek help and separate yourself from much of your family. Who are only hurting the situation.
 
Mar 16, 2011
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#37
Hating yourself is a normal feeling when bad things happen to you. You start to blame yourself.

Damn man, you really need to seek help and separate yourself from much of your family. Who are only hurting the situation.
well 95% of my family is like 1500 miles from where i am, ive already accomplished that
 
Sep 20, 2005
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#38
how about i get very turned on by thinking of rape? or that i had a sexual relationship with my cousin that was prompted by my grandparents? or that i like to cut the skin off my genitals for fun?

im not going to pretend im not deeply confused and fucked up
If this is true, you need to involve the police as well. Your family may be damaging other people, not just yourself.
 
Jun 7, 2004
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#39
Your sad avatar makes this thread just that much sadder. Hope you can get past the pain. Any music help? Or writing down your own thoughts and feelings? There's nothing you can do to change the past so I know it may be tough but try to move on in any way possible which means as others have said cutting ties with the past(your mom and others who have caused you pain).
 
Sep 22, 2006
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1 = much better than with my mom, but still not what i want at all

2 = i have an in-take with this free clinic in a few days, but honestly im not expecting much; they've already told me twice that there's a large chance they dont actually have the capacity to give me free therapy, and i can't afford anything really right now
I'm not knowledgeable, but what about getting disability?
 
Mar 16, 2011
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#41
If this is true, you need to involve the police as well. Your family may be damaging other people, not just yourself.
my cousin and her mother already took legal action a while back


I'm not knowledgeable, but what about getting disability?
I had a social worker when i was living in the group home, but she said I was unable for disability for some reason, so I havent looked into it for a while; I have a job interview in a few days, and am gonna prolly have a job again in the near future somewhere
 
Oct 5, 2009
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#42
Sorry I kind of was quick to reply, it does sound like you have left much of what was hurting you behind.

You say living with your dad is not what you want at all? But it's surely a better environment than living with your mother. Is your dad more supportive or is he just a landlord at this point?
 
Mar 16, 2011
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#43
Sorry I kind of was quick to reply, it does sound like you have left much of what was hurting you behind.

You say living with your dad is not what you want at all? But it's surely a better environment than living with your mother. Is your dad more supportive or is he just a landlord at this point?
dad is supportive, but stepmother is not

i really really dont want to live with my family whatsoever though anymore, i have never been independent in my life and im so tired of feeling like i dont have any control, its seriously like feeling raped over and over
 
Oct 9, 2010
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#44
how about i get very turned on by thinking of rape? or that i had a sexual relationship with my cousin that was prompted by my grandparents? or that i like to cut the skin off my genitals for fun?

im not going to pretend im not deeply confused and fucked up
The first thing actually isn't as uncommon as you'd think. It's a power fantasy.

The other two things you'll definitely want to seek out help with though. Hopefully we can help find you avenues you might be unaware of.
 
Mar 16, 2011
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i feel really disgusted i let all of this spill out... many of my friends recently have told me i am becoming very difficult to talk to and no one really wants to be around me whatsoever anymore
 
Jul 7, 2011
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In teh woods
#49
how about i get very turned on by thinking of rape? or that i had a sexual relationship with my cousin that was prompted by my grandparents? or that i like to cut the skin off my genitals for fun?

im not going to pretend im not deeply confused and fucked up
Here's the road map to getting the help you need. You mentioned that you have no income and you can't get therapy through this free clinic, correct?

I'm currently starting my 4th year of medical training (slow going), so I can direct you a bit. Helped a few old friends the same way, although they were just drug seekers, but it works the same.

The key to getting into the "system" (aka the medical indigent programs) is to get hospitalized, unfortunately that's the way most no income patients get the most help. Go to a local emergency room and tell them you are suicidal and homicidal. But you need to be specific, you need to tell them your exact plans of suicide and you need to tell them who you are having homicidal thoughts towards and what those are. Otherwise, they'll discount you as a "depressed patient" and refer you to another local free clinic. They need to see that you are an immediate danger to yourself and others. And since you are a no income patient they will have the local community services board come in and find you a bed in a local psychiatric unit. They may also have a policeman or sheriff drop you off there.

Once you are in the psychiatric unit you will be put on the medications they think you need (you can also bullshit them about anxiety and get easy Xanex/Ativan/Klonopin). This will also get your local community services board involved since you have no income and you'll be placed under a case manager. You'll probably be there about a week or two, on the ITP Unit (Intensive Treament Program), note that some people there are extremely weird so be prepared, you'll also have a roommate.

The gist is, once you get out you'll be under a case manager with your local community services board. You'll have access to therapy, psychiatry, help with finding a job, and crisis management (if you feel, or they feel you need another visit). This means your medication will probably be free or cost $1, your co-pay for the service will also be $1 for a patient with no income. So in the end you'll have your needed medication, access to a psychiatric physician, and therapy to address your problems. All you have to do is be hospitalized for a while, and on top of this they'll help you get social security disability if you want/need that.
 
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