Support NeoGAF

[DMeisterJ]

I don't get this. How did he get crap on the front of his pants? Please someone explain this.

 

[Steppenwolf]

I don't get this. How did he get crap on the front of his pants? Please someone explain this.

Physics. It's like the fluff that always collects in the belly button (if you have an innie).

 

[Y2Kev]

I was driving through Glendale, Arizona with my family one year and my aunt had to go. She refused to go poop on the side of the road so she made us all get out of the car except for my younger sister. My younger sister held a cup and she pooped into a styrofoam cup. It's on the side of the road in arizona somewhere.

 

[Beaulieu]

I was driving through Glendale, Arizona with my family one year and my aunt had to go. She refused to go poop on the side of the road so she made us all get out of the car except for my younger sister. My younger sister held a cup and she pooped into a styrofoam cup. It's on the side of the road in arizona somewhere.

Man that is so sick wtf your parents are crazy I would never let my daughter do that.

 

[Y2Kev]

Man that is so sick wtf your parents are crazy I would never let my daughter do that.

yeah my family is full of this kind of story.

My entire family has extremely shitty (lol) bowels. Everyone in the family has some form of IBS or something.

 

[BakedPigeon]

yeah my family is full of this kind of story.

My entire family has extremely shitty (lol) bowels. Everyone in the family has some form of IBS or something.

I'm just going to hope this is a 2 girls 1 cup joke.

 

[Foreign Jackass]

So I was on a trip to NYC with some friends, and it was just before the bus trip back to Montreal. Just before getting on the bus, one of my friends and I decided we needed to shit, badly, probably because of the foul Subway sandwhiches we had just ate. So we decide to go back to our hotel, but since we had already checked out, and there was no public toilet on the first floor, we decided to take a run and make it to our other friends' hotel.

When we arrived there, there was already a small lineup in front of the men's bathroom in the lobby. We were in a rush, because the bus was going to leave in like 15 minutes. I said to my friend, "I'll wait here, just try to find some other bathroom." My friend goes searching for another bathroom in the huge hotel, and from my vantage point, I can see him going in some direction where I don't feel any bathroom would be found. While I'm waiting, I take a look around and see a sign for a bathroom upstairs. I leave my spot and take a run to that hopefully less busy shitplace.

When I get there, I'm alone in the bathroom. I sit down and let out a huge, smelly fart-shit that instantly dominates the whole room with its foul marsh-like scent. The door opens, and someone comes in. I HATE having to shit next to somebody else, but the bus is leaving, so I have to get those out of the way (shitting in a bus is the closest thing to hell on earth to me). I keep on shitting bricks and huge ratatats farts, and the other guy, who proceeded to sit in the stall next to me, is almost silent, but I can still hear him chuckling between my farts, very subtly. I'm kinda pissed, but I can't do anything except shit, so I keep on shitting. I finish my deed quickly and proceed to get the fuck out of there so that I don't have to face the guy next to me.

When I get downstairs, some of my friends are there, but my other friend isn't there yet, so I wait for him anxiously. When he finally gets to the lobby, he laughs and says :

"You wouldn't believe how bad the guy next to me was doing in the bathroom I found."

"Where did you shit?"

"I found one upstairs, there was just this one guy who was serial farting, shitting smelly bricks like there was no tomorrow."

"..."

 

[The Lamonster]

I took my girlfriend to Madison, WI to stay with my aunt and uncle. We were only 17 so they didn't want us to sleep in the same bed together. We opted to sleep in a tent in the backyard (we couldn't believe they were letting us sleep in a tent instead of a bed). Anyway, first night there, we eat at a seafood all-you-can-eat buffet. We're talking clams, muscles, escargot, shrimp, etc. And lots of cream sauce.

I didn't even make it out of the restaurant before I had explosive diarrhea in the compact-size bathroom there. Unfortunately, that was only the beginning.

Sick sulpher-farts all night in the tent, epic runs into the house to shit, etc. Totally ruined whatever romance would've happened in the tent. The next morning we were driving to the House on the Rock when I demanded my uncle pull into the next gas station so I could shit some more. God damn.

TL,DR version:
1) seafood buffet gave me endless diarrhea
2) exposed girlfriend to horrible farts inside a tent, all night long
3) gas station diarrhea is never fun

 

[Dahellisdat]

Ok.....I have a diarrhea story to offer up as well.

This story begins on a beautiful Saturday morning at home when I was about 17 years old. Every month or so in our Tae Kwon Do class, our teacher scheduled a test where if you were ready, you could go and execute your forms and break your board and move up to the next color belt in rank. This was my Saturday to test for a blue belt if I'm not mistaken.

My grandparents were in town visiting while my parents were on vacation or something, so that morning my grandma cooked me breakfast before the test. Unlike many other grandma's I've encountered in my time, this one is actually a terrible cook. But the eggs/ whatever else we had were good enough for me so I downed the whole plate and thought nothing of it.

I commenced my Tae Kwon Do test about 30 minutes later with a mild stomach ache, hoping that it would go quickly and I could get out to relieve myself. About 5 minutes into the test, things took a turn for the worse. My stomach felt like it had turned up the heat on high and started boiling something inside me. All kinds of sounds of pressure being shifted from each part of my digestive tract were emanating from my abdomen.

Thus began, the diarrhea sweats. My face turned pale and the beads began to form on my brow. The stomach pain came sharply and faded every couple minutes. I thought I could continue this facade until the end of the test.......then we began our forms. Doing kicks up above the level of your head is the worst possible thing you can do when you have the diarrhea pain. Anyone who has been in a tae kwon do class can attest to the incontrollable flatulance that sometimes occurs during such motions.

At that point, the pain was so severe, there were tears in my eyes and I feared that something inside of me was going to burst. I turned to this 40 something year old man next to me with what was likely a deathly sick expression on my face and told him I had to go to the bathroom. He looked at me with eyes that seemed to understand exactly what was happening. I quickly walked out of the classroom to the bathroom down the hall almost doubled over in the pain from blocking the onslaught of shit trying to force itself out of me.

When I finally made it into the bathroom, my body was in such a state of shock that the urge to shit was momentarily set aside. The pain was so bad that I puked out all I had into the toilet. With no time to spare, I flipped myself around and with equal force shot out the stream of shit until I was entirely empty. Throughout the entire event, I managed to keep my white uniform entirely clean.

When I got back into the classroom, I don't think my teacher had even noticed that I left. I finished my forms, broke my board and the day came to be remembered by the worst diarrhea I've ever had

 

[Arthrus]

So let's turn this around. What was the worst (hardest and most painful) shit you ever took?

I remember one time, where my anus was dripping with blood

Swallowed a shard of glass once. Wasn't tons of blood on the way out, but some.

 

[RoH]

This thread is so freaking funny; Thanks!:lol

 

[Flo_Evans]

Here's a post on GAF that I actually saved to Microsoft Word because it was so epic. I believe Orin GA is the author.


The Greatest Story Ever Told.

:lol :lol :lol :lol

HOLY SHIT (literally) I cried that was so fucking funny.

 

[The Lamonster]

Ok.....I have a diarrhea story to offer up as well.

This story begins on a beautiful Saturday morning at home when I was about 17 years old. Every month or so in our Tae Kwon Do class, our teacher scheduled a test where if you were ready, you could go and execute your forms and break your board and move up to the next color belt in rank. This was my Saturday to test for a blue belt if I'm not mistaken.

My grandparents were in town visiting while my parents were on vacation or something, so that morning my grandma cooked me breakfast before the test. Unlike many other grandma's I've encountered in my time, this one is actually a terrible cook. But the eggs/ whatever else we had were good enough for me so I downed the whole plate and thought nothing of it.

I commenced my Tae Kwon Do test about 30 minutes later with a mild stomach ache, hoping that it would go quickly and I could get out to relieve myself. About 5 minutes into the test, things took a turn for the worse. My stomach felt like it had turned up the heat on high and started boiling something inside me. All kinds of sounds of pressure being shifted from each part of my digestive tract were emanating from my abdomen.

Thus began, the diarrhea sweats. My face turned pale and the beads began to form on my brow. The stomach pain came sharply and faded every couple minutes. I thought I could continue this facade until the end of the test.......then we began our forms. Doing kicks up above the level of your head is the worst possible thing you can do when you have the diarrhea pain. Anyone who has been in a tae kwon do class can attest to the incontrollable flatulance that sometimes occurs during such motions.

At that point, the pain was so severe, there were tears in my eyes and I feared that something inside of me was going to burst. I turned to this 40 something year old man next to me with what was likely a deathly sick expression on my face and told him I had to go to the bathroom. He looked at me with eyes that seemed to understand exactly what was happening. I quickly walked out of the classroom to the bathroom down the hall almost doubled over in the pain from blocking the onslaught of shit trying to force itself out of me.

When I finally made it into the bathroom, my body was in such a state of shock that the urge to shit was momentarily set aside. The pain was so bad that I puked out all I had into the toilet. With no time to spare, I flipped myself around and with equal force shot out the stream of shit until I was entirely empty. Throughout the entire event, I managed to keep my white uniform entirely clean.

When I got back into the classroom, I don't think my teacher had even noticed that I left. I finished my forms, broke my board and the day came to be remembered by the worst diarrhea I've ever had

hahah it was fucking Dave Gordon, that's awesome that he recognized your situation

 

[Dabookerman]

Who was it that didn't shit for 3 weeks and had to get his lump of poo removed surgically because it had turned into stone?



The only shit story I have is being 10 and not being able to get home because mum wasn't in. So I asked my two friends who I was with at the time, to stand guard while I took a dump in the bushes.

 

[Guled]

 

[GDGF]

Bravo! This thread is great :lol

 

[Banana Kid]

Seriously, GAF. Don't Shit Your Pants.

 

[Liferebooted]

One day in like 5th grade we were outside for gym class and we had to run laps around the play ground. I had to suddenly shit out of no where and instead of being embarrassed about asking to go potty I just shit my pants and kept walking. For the rest of the day the class wondered where the shit smell was coming from and then the entire time on the bus ride home... I still remember it so well to this day.

 

[-COOLIO-]

I decided that I wanted to go running three miles last night, even though it was frigid cold.

Earlier in the evening, I ate a fuck ton of prunes (almost an entire container) because I was hungry and they were there (haven't been to the store in a while, so I've been running low on snacks). Without thinking about it, I left my house and began running.

1.5 miles into the run, I felt very gassy. I began farting, but the gas pains wouldn't subside. It was interrupting my run so badly that I had to stop in my tracks for a minute. I ripped a couple of massive farts. As I went for a third, I could feel that releasing it would unleash a shotgun blast of diarrhea into my running shorts. I held it back until I could feel it recoil into my intestines.

I began to run again but the pain came back even stronger. I came to the realization that I would have to walk the rest of the way, or risk shitting my fucking pants and having the residue stream down my leg for any passers-by to see.

I began speed walking the rest of the way home in earnest, knowing that there were absolutely no spots along the way where I could release the foul beast coiling inside me. I contemplated shitting in a patch of grass not touched by the light of street lamps (It was about 10 PM), but it was too risky-- there were houses everywhere.

The pain was getting worse every minute. I trudged on, dreaming of the minute I'd get to annihilate my fucking toilet. I counted 5 separate instances where the shit pushed all the way down to the asshole, and I had to clench it shut in order to keep it from flowing out. After about 1 to 2 minutes of clenching, it would climb back up into my colon in defeat, only to try again minutes later.

When I got to about a block away from my house, I felt as if my sphincter was about to literally explode. I said fuck it, and sprinted with my house key in hand.

I got to the door and yep, it was fucking DOUBLE LOCKED. After fiddling with the keys clumsily, I managed to get in the door and stumble 5 feet extra to the downstairs bathroom. It shot out like a cannon before my ass was even on the seat.

In short, no feces got in my trousers, but the result of holding it in so long was SEVERE pain as it came out. I was on the can for at least 15 minutes, moaning all the while.

Crisis averted.

Everyone, please share your stories of nearly shitting yourself. After all, it is a true test of manliness.

while i was reading this all happened in bullet time

also this story was hilarious


and as everyone else has pointed out, well written.

 

[-COOLIO-]

I did once when when I was at one of my brother's football games.

We were playing at some backwoods middle-of-nowhere school--their fans were racist, their field was awful, their bleachers splintered your ass. It was the playoffs and it had been pouring rain all day like you couldn't believe.

Towards the end of the game I had an overwhelming, spontaneous urge to take a giant shit. I knew I was in trouble because I immediately had to strain to hold it in. So I got up from the bleachers and cautiously headed to the bathroom.

Between me and the bathroom was about 100 yards of deep, muddy earth. I took a deep breath, clenched my cheeks, and started walking. Not even a third of the way there, I slipped badly. Trying to catch my balance, I guess I temporarily lost focus, and..well...I shit myself. I just stood there in the rain in fucking disbelief for probably a good 20 seconds.

There was no way in hell I was going back to sit with friends/parents like this, so I trudged the rest of the way to the toilet. Once there I cleaned myself off as best I could and discarded my boxers. No trashcan to speak of, so I just left them on the back of the toilet. Thankfully the game was basically over at that point ans we got the hell out of there right after it ended.

so you're in a muddy field, it's pouring rain, and you've paused for 20 seconds.

this is most hilariously dramatic scene i've thought of today

 

[-COOLIO-]

another question. how does one beat blanks that throw themselves all over the fucking place? and what can you hit an electric blanka with?

edit: wrong thread

 

[Orin GA]

Just to clear things up....I found that story on the interweb, It did not actually happen to me :lol

 

[Lonestar]

Just to clear things up....I found that story on the interweb, It did not actually happen to me :lol

This makes me sad. Shame on you, SIR.

 

[Eaten By A Grue]

I just said take off my pants, then shit and I won. Is there any way to open the door?

 

[gkryhewy]

another question. how does one beat blanks that throw themselves all over the fucking place? and what can you hit an electric blanka with?

edit: wrong thread

:lol :lol :lol

 

[braimuge]

Just to clear things up....I found that story on the interweb, It did not actually happen to me :lol

CRAWWWWWWWWWWLINNG IIIIIIIIIIIIIIN MY SKIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN.

 

[HamPster PamPster]

Theres only one reason to bump this thread... and it isn't because you DIDN'T shit your pants





It came out of nowhere gaf, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I put up a good fight on my sprint to the bathroom though... only a little bit got by me

 

[Gaborn]

Theres only one reason to bump this thread... and it isn't because you DIDN'T shit your pants





It came out of nowhere gaf, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I put up a good fight on my sprint to the bathroom though... only a little bit got by me

HamPster PamPers
Member
(Today, 07:59 PM)

Fixed your name?

 

[GDGF]

Theres only one reason to bump this thread... and it isn't because you DIDN'T shit your pants





It came out of nowhere gaf, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I put up a good fight on my sprint to the bathroom though... only a little bit got by me

:lol You should have taken your pants off first.

 

[echoshifting]

Theres only one reason to bump this thread... and it isn't because you DIDN'T shit your pants





It came out of nowhere gaf, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I put up a good fight on my sprint to the bathroom though... only a little bit got by me

not good enough

 

[El Papa]

Holy fucking shit, while reading the Greatest Story Ever Told, I had to get out of my computer chair, walk over to my bed and lie down while holding my sides in the fetal position I was laughing so hard.

 

[Davey Cakes]

Y'know, I would massage my prostate with a Snickers bar, but I feel that would cause a startling ambiguity that I am NOT prepared for.

 

[Grimm Fandango]

OP is :lol :lol :lol

I'd love to hear more stories...

 

[MobiusPigeon]

i was taking a dump once and a then unknown person was 3 stalls over and unleashed what sounded like a firecracker going off in the toilet. i was thinking to myself "omg that HAD to fucking hurt" and i was trying sooooooooo hard not to laugh in the stall. tears total. i get out to wash my hands and out of the other stall comes one of my long time friends with the most literally butthurt look on his face. i nearly fucking lost it. :lol :lol :lol

 

[Akim]

I forgot about this thread. The funny thing is the greatest story ever told basically happened to me except not in a restaurant.

I had the flu at the time and felt poop coming on, so I made my way to the bathroom. I make it there and I realized I had to throw up. As I lean over the toilet to puke exploding diarrhea starts coming out of my ass covering the cupboards and bathroom mirror. When the poop started coming out, it startled me so I moved and the puke started missing the toilet as well.

I yelled for my mom and she was like, "WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST GO IN THE SHOWER?" I was 13 at the time.

 

[kozmo7]

Bit of a side (front?) topic:

Any of you peed yourself before? I somehow managed to pee through the little space between the toilet seat and the toilet the other day while sitting down. I hadn't realized till I put my shorts back on and they were soaked.

Luckily I was at home and the shower was nearby but to do this kind of thing at my age without any alcohol involved is kind of embarrassing. :lol

 

[cryptic]

Sometime back in the 60's or 70's, my dad as a kid was sick and sitting on the toilet ready to release. Unfortunately, the urge to throw up came first, so he inversed himself and while he was vomiting, he shit all over the floor.

 

[SCULLIBUNDO]

Bit of a side (front?) topic:

Any of you peed yourself before? I somehow managed to pee through the little space between the toilet seat and the toilet the other day while sitting down. I hadn't realized till I put my shorts back on and they were soaked.

Luckily I was at home and the shower was nearby but to do this kind of thing at my age without any alcohol involved is kind of embarrassing. :lol

You either have a tiny penis or had an erection at the time.

 

[bounchfx]

that was really funny.

 

[Grimm Fandango]

Bit of a side (front?) topic:

Any of you peed yourself before? I somehow managed to pee through the little space between the toilet seat and the toilet the other day while sitting down. I hadn't realized till I put my shorts back on and they were soaked.

Luckily I was at home and the shower was nearby but to do this kind of thing at my age without any alcohol involved is kind of embarrassing. :lol

Sounds like you need to tuck...

 

[-PXG-]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ln0Z7r3ES9Q

 

[Jill Sandwich]

Like this thread? 'Yule' love this!

 

[SapientWolf]

Not my story, but still hilarious.

This took place on Lake Vermillion, in Minnesota. I was about 14 at the time.


My sister, whom I have since learned is never to be trusted, offered me a "mocha" one day at our cabin. It was highly suspect that she should offer me anything of her own volition, but I thought nothing of it and eagerly drank the concoction.

Later that night, I was to sleep over at Uncle Bob's so I could spend some time with my cousin Kevin. After a long day of fishing and catching frogs, I changed into my pyjamas and crawled into bed.


Unbeknownst to me, the mocha contained laxatives.


I awoke with the unique combination of panic and dread one can only get from a pyjama bottom packed to the limit with hot steamy crap. To my further surprise, it wasn't done coming out.

In a mad dash to the outhouse, I unknowingly left a trail of shit from the bedroom, through the livingroom, across the porch, and all through the yard to the outhouse. By the time I got there I was mostly emptied out, but I strained to get a little something out, if only for the principle of the matter.

Utterly exhausted from the escapade, I stumbled in through the back door, took a shower to rinse the feces off my lower body, threw away my pyjama bottoms, and collapsed on my bed.



My uncle awoke the next morning to find what can only be described as a "shit-circus". He gives me suspicious looks to this very day, even though I explained to him what my sister did to me many times. I think that deep down, he honestly believes that I entered his home with the sinister intent of shitting all over his stuff.

 

[rainking187]

Y'know, I would massage my prostate with a Snickers bar, but I feel that would cause a startling ambiguity that I am NOT prepared for.

Well, if you're not going anywhere for a while...

 

[Kipz]

The only time I've ever shat myself as an adult was ironically as I was browsing GAF. I felt a large fart coming on so naturally I decided to slightly loosen my bowels. What came out wasn't a puff of smelly air however, instead it was a torrent of liquid poo filing my boxers and running down my legs. This was followed by about 10 minutes of me saying "WHAT THE FUCK?!" out loud in disbelief. Diarrhea goddam.

 

[Unknown One]

I'm lactose intolerant and I drank milk in the morning one day. I went to class and suddenly my stomach started having those pinching pains. I asked the teacher for a bathroom pass (high school) and I was refused. I tolerated 1 hour of bubbling stomach pains and I couldn't take any more. I was forced to do a group work with my peers and my stomach pain shot to my limit. I stood up doing the pee pee dance and the teacher asked what I was doing. I answered that I was constipated. The whole class was in an uproar.

I was given permission to go to the bathroom. When I was taking a dump I filled the toilet so much that I had to flush 2 times during the process :lol

 

[Slurmer]

so you're in a muddy field, it's pouring rain, and you've paused for 20 seconds.

this is most hilariously dramatic scene i've thought of today

 

[Lord Helmet]

Bookmarked for future amusement.

 

[Nemo]

Almost 6 or 7 years ago when I was 16 I basically had a same sort of situation. My dumb ass always ate a lot before I went to bed. Usually I would shit it out before going to school but I was late. By the third hour I was having math. The cramps started coming and I held in every form of gas possible. It started getting worse and worse, I had dealt with these situations a lot before so I thought it would be okay. Only this time the pain was getting pretty damn severe. I came at the point of no return and was trying soo fucking hard not to shit. I was litterally sweating bullets, my face was red as can be. The girl sitting next to me (who I always had a thing for) looks at me and asks me if I was having a seizure or something. And in the coolest way POSSIBLE with that face I say "nah, I'm cool." She decided to leave me alone. I think she knew but whatever. I actually held it in. If that wasn't the biggest accomplishment ever I don't know what is. I got a few more attacks later on that were pretty hard, but they felt like pussy play after what I been through. Finally got home a it all came out with big pain.

Another time was when I was at school and it started coming, I refused to go to the bathroom at school so I went home when I had 2 free hours. I basically biked as fast as I could, ran up to my house and started unzipping and everything, only thing was my belt was kinda stuck so I ripped it apart, but it was too late. I already had a bit on my underwear. It's really fucked when you're holding it in for hours but it gets out at the very last moment.

 

[Goldrusher]

“All in all, it hadn’t been a good day. Bad traffic, a malfunctioning computer, incompetent coworkers and a sore back all made me a seething cauldron of rage. But more importantly for this story, it had been over forty-eight hours since I’d last taken a dump. I’d tried to jumpstart the process, beginning my day with a bowl of bowel-cleansing fiber cereal, following it with six cups of coffee at work, and adding a bean-laden lunch at Taco Bell. As I was returning home from work, my insides let me know with subtle rumbles and the emission of the occasional tiny fart that Big Things would be happening soon. Alas, I had to stop at the mall to go Christmas shopping. I completed this task, and as I was walking past the stores on my way back to the car, I noticed a large sale sign proclaiming, “Everything Must Go!”. This was prophetic, for my colon informed me with a sudden violent cramp and a wet, squeaky fart that everything was indeed about to go. I hurried to the mall bathrooms. I surveyed the five stalls, which I have numbered 1 through 5 for your convenience:

1. Occupied.
2. Clean, but Bathroom Protocol forbids its use, as it’s next to the occupied one.
3. Poo on seat.
4. Poo and toilet paper in bowl, unidentifiable liquid splattered on seat.
5. No toilet paper, no stall door, unidentifiable sticky object near base of toilet.

Clearly, it had to be Stall #2. I trudged back, entered, dropped trousers and sat down. I’m normally a fairly Shameful Sh1tter. I wasn’t happy about being next to the occupied stall, but Big Things were afoot.

I was just getting ready to bear down when all of a sudden the sweet sounds of Beethoven came from next door, followed by a fumbling, and then the sound of a voice answering the ringing phone. As usual for a cell phone conversation, the voice was exactly 8 dB louder than it needed to be. Out of Shameful habit, my sphincter slammed shut. The inane conversation went on and on. Mr. Sh1tter was blathering to Mrs. Sh1tter about the sh1tty day he had. I sat there, cramping and miserable, waiting for him to finish. As the loud conversation dragged on, I became angrier and angrier, thinking that I, too, had a crappy day, but I was too polite to yak about in public. My bowels let me know in no uncertain terms that if I didn’t get crapping soon, my day would be getting even crappier.

Finally my anger reached a point that overcame Shamefulness. I no longer cared. I gripped the toilet paper holder with one hand, braced my other hand against the side of the stall, and pushed with all my might. I was rewarded with a fart of colossal magnitude — a cross between the sound of someone ripping a very wet bed sheet in half and of plywood being torn off a wall. The sound gradually transitioned into a heavily modulated low-RPM tone, not unlike someone firing up a Harley. I managed to hit the resonance frequency of the stall, and it shook gently.

Once my *** cheeks stopped flapping in the breeze, three things became apparent: (1) The next-door conversation had ceased; (2) my colon’s continued seizing indicated that there was more to come; and (3) the bathroom was now beset by a horrible, eldritch stench. It was as if a gateway to Hell had been opened. The foul miasma quickly made its way under the stall and began choking my poop-mate. This initial “herald” fart had ended his conversation in mid-sentence.

“Oh my God”, I heard him utter, following it with suppressed sounds of choking, and then, “No, baby, that wasn’t me (cough, gag), you could hear that (gag)??”

Now there was no stopping me. I pushed for all I was worth. I could swear that in the resulting cacophony of rips, squirts, splashes, poots, and blasts, I was actually lifted slightly off the pot. The amount of stuff in me was incredible. It sprayed against the bowl with tremendous force. Later, in surveying the damage, I’d see that liquid poop had actually managed to ricochet out of the bowl and run down the side on to the floor. But for now, all I could do was hang on for the ride.

Next door I could hear him fumbling with the paper dispenser as he desperately tried to finish his task. Little snatches of conversation made themselves heard over my anal symphony: “Gotta go… horrible… throw up… in my mouth… not… make it… tell the kids… love them… oh God…” followed by more sounds of suppressed gagging and retching.

Alas, it is evidently difficult to hold one’s phone and wipe one’s bum at the same time. Just as my high-pressure abuse of the toilet was winding down, I heard a plop and splash from next door, followed by string of swear words and gags. My poop-mate had dropped his phone into the toilet.

There was a lull in my production, and the restroom became deathly quiet. I could envision him standing there, wondering what to do. A final anal announcement came trumpeting from my behind, small chunks plopping noisily into the water. That must have been the last straw. I heard a flush, a fumbling with the lock, and then the stall door was thrown open. I heard him running out of the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.

After a considerable amount of paperwork, I got up and surveyed the damage. I felt bad for the janitor who’d be forced to deal with this, but I knew that flushing was not an option. No toilet in the world could handle that unholy mess. Flushing would only lead to a floor flooded with filth.

As I left, I glanced into the next-door stall. Nothing remained in the bowl. Had he flushed his phone, or had he plucked it out and left the bathroom with nasty unwashed hands? The world will never know.

I exited the bathroom, momentarily proud and Shameless, looking around for a face glaring at me. But I saw no one. I suspect that somehow my supernatural elimination has managed to transfer my Shamefulness to my anonymous poop-mate. I think it’ll be a long time before he can bring himself to poop in public — and I doubt he’ll ever again answer his cell phone in the loo. And this, my friends, is why you should never talk on your phone in the bathroom.”

:lol