Big edit: 10/15/16
I have been thinking about how I presented things in the original OP and I want to backtrack and make the timeline of our relationship a little more accurate. I feel like I may not have been completely fair to my ex with my original version of events. The general theme overall is the same, that I just feel like she was never giving me what I wanted.
So the subject of "marriage" has come up in our relationship many times. Wait, let's go back a little further. When we first started dating, I was living home with mom. I had a job, made pretty good money and commuted over 2 hours a day to work but I got comfortable living home with mom where I didn't have to pay ANY bills. She was jobless when we met, just coming off a nasty separation from the baby's father. We got serious very quickly but about 2+ months into things she got "weird." She would go "dark" sometimes and one night I basically caught her red-handed staying the night at the baby's fathers house. She was adamant that nothing sexual happened between them but she did admit that she slept in his bed. Anyway I'm getting a little sidetracked but long story short I accepted her story and her apology for being shady and we started seeing each other again. She broke things off with me again shortly after this and that's when I said fuck it and found the needed motivation to move out. I got my own apartment in a town closer to my work and I did it partly because she said she was turned off that I was still living at home. So a few weeks after I moved she contacts me and we get serious again.
This leads me to my original OP where we break up another several times. She doesn't know what she wants. She wants to be alone. She doesn't love me. I'm annoying. I have no common sense. I have no drive etc. We get back together again and things are going pretty good and the subject of "moving forward" comes up. She's kind of annoyed that we are seeing each other more regulatory and I still have my apartment. I tell her that our relationship just isn't there yet and because we have broken up so frequently I want to keep my place for my own protection.
Anyway she keeps pushing the "moving forward" thing to which I resist and we have another big break up. I start thinking that maybe she is right that I need to shit or get off the pot so I send her this long, heartfelt email asking her how she would feel if we got married. She says please give me some time to think about it and I'll get back to you. So she takes about a month, does some soul-searching and tells me that she wants to take some time to work on herself and be the best person she can be for our relationship because she now realizes that she has not been good to me and she wants to be the best version of her that she can be. So she goes on medication and goes to therapy and we start seeing each other again.
Now this is where I start to reneg on the marriage question and I tell her honestly that ideally I want to get married but I just don't think we are there yet. So I wanted to update this OP because I felt that I originally did not adequately describe how things have gone down between us. I'm not even sure if anybody cares but it felt good to type it up and set the record straight. The same issues are there though. I just feel like she has never fully committed to me in the way a woman who loves someone and wants to get married should. Maybe it is because of her depression and anxiety that she just does not have the capacity to love another person the way they should be loved in a marriage.
Original post: 10/6/16
By that I mean, I need to feel more loved and wanted, and to desire more stability in the relationship. Is it wrong to ask someone this and hope that things can get better or should you just not be in such a relationship to begin with.
Long story short, I have been with my girl for about 3 years and our relationship has been very up and down. We have broken up probably a dozen times, mostly because she never knew what she wanted. She was in, she was out, she loved me, she hated me, she wanted space, she wanted me back. Surely a lot of this is my fault for even going back and allowing someone to treat me like a fucking yo-yo but it is what it is and its in the past. Now fast forward to year 3 and after her getting some therapy and an extended break up she tells me that she wants to get married, that's she ready to move the relationship forward. And I told her that I actually was not ready for that, that I need to see some stability long-term before we take that step. I offered to move in with her and work on building toward marriage, but she will not hear a word of it.
She wants to get married NOW and she has "nothing more to give" in terms of showing her love and affection for me. I suppose after writing this all out that there are a ton of red flags here and I do believe that I am representing things fairly accurately. I guess my question to you guys is this, is it not fair that I ask my SO to consider what my wants and needs are before marriage. If there are things lacking in our relationship, is it permissible for me to point those things out and ask her to work on them or am I being totally unfair to her and asking her to be someone she is not. Thanks
I have been thinking about how I presented things in the original OP and I want to backtrack and make the timeline of our relationship a little more accurate. I feel like I may not have been completely fair to my ex with my original version of events. The general theme overall is the same, that I just feel like she was never giving me what I wanted.
So the subject of "marriage" has come up in our relationship many times. Wait, let's go back a little further. When we first started dating, I was living home with mom. I had a job, made pretty good money and commuted over 2 hours a day to work but I got comfortable living home with mom where I didn't have to pay ANY bills. She was jobless when we met, just coming off a nasty separation from the baby's father. We got serious very quickly but about 2+ months into things she got "weird." She would go "dark" sometimes and one night I basically caught her red-handed staying the night at the baby's fathers house. She was adamant that nothing sexual happened between them but she did admit that she slept in his bed. Anyway I'm getting a little sidetracked but long story short I accepted her story and her apology for being shady and we started seeing each other again. She broke things off with me again shortly after this and that's when I said fuck it and found the needed motivation to move out. I got my own apartment in a town closer to my work and I did it partly because she said she was turned off that I was still living at home. So a few weeks after I moved she contacts me and we get serious again.
This leads me to my original OP where we break up another several times. She doesn't know what she wants. She wants to be alone. She doesn't love me. I'm annoying. I have no common sense. I have no drive etc. We get back together again and things are going pretty good and the subject of "moving forward" comes up. She's kind of annoyed that we are seeing each other more regulatory and I still have my apartment. I tell her that our relationship just isn't there yet and because we have broken up so frequently I want to keep my place for my own protection.
Anyway she keeps pushing the "moving forward" thing to which I resist and we have another big break up. I start thinking that maybe she is right that I need to shit or get off the pot so I send her this long, heartfelt email asking her how she would feel if we got married. She says please give me some time to think about it and I'll get back to you. So she takes about a month, does some soul-searching and tells me that she wants to take some time to work on herself and be the best person she can be for our relationship because she now realizes that she has not been good to me and she wants to be the best version of her that she can be. So she goes on medication and goes to therapy and we start seeing each other again.
Now this is where I start to reneg on the marriage question and I tell her honestly that ideally I want to get married but I just don't think we are there yet. So I wanted to update this OP because I felt that I originally did not adequately describe how things have gone down between us. I'm not even sure if anybody cares but it felt good to type it up and set the record straight. The same issues are there though. I just feel like she has never fully committed to me in the way a woman who loves someone and wants to get married should. Maybe it is because of her depression and anxiety that she just does not have the capacity to love another person the way they should be loved in a marriage.
Original post: 10/6/16
By that I mean, I need to feel more loved and wanted, and to desire more stability in the relationship. Is it wrong to ask someone this and hope that things can get better or should you just not be in such a relationship to begin with.
Long story short, I have been with my girl for about 3 years and our relationship has been very up and down. We have broken up probably a dozen times, mostly because she never knew what she wanted. She was in, she was out, she loved me, she hated me, she wanted space, she wanted me back. Surely a lot of this is my fault for even going back and allowing someone to treat me like a fucking yo-yo but it is what it is and its in the past. Now fast forward to year 3 and after her getting some therapy and an extended break up she tells me that she wants to get married, that's she ready to move the relationship forward. And I told her that I actually was not ready for that, that I need to see some stability long-term before we take that step. I offered to move in with her and work on building toward marriage, but she will not hear a word of it.
She wants to get married NOW and she has "nothing more to give" in terms of showing her love and affection for me. I suppose after writing this all out that there are a ton of red flags here and I do believe that I am representing things fairly accurately. I guess my question to you guys is this, is it not fair that I ask my SO to consider what my wants and needs are before marriage. If there are things lacking in our relationship, is it permissible for me to point those things out and ask her to work on them or am I being totally unfair to her and asking her to be someone she is not. Thanks