Transistor
Banned
Unfortunately, OP seems to be still looking at the bullet, wondering whether or not it's going to kill him if he gets shot
Yea this speaks to exactly what I mean by "needing more" in the OP. I have been there for her through thick and thin...
By that I mean, I need to feel more loved and wanted, and to desire more stability in the relationship. Is it wrong to ask someone this and hope that things can get better or should you just not be in such a relationship to begin with.
Long story short, I have been with my girl for about 3 years and our relationship has been very up and down. We have broken up probably a dozen times, mostly because she never knew what she wanted. She was in, she was out, she loved me, she hated me, she wanted space, she wanted me back. Surely a lot of this is my fault for even going back and allowing someone to treat me like a fucking yo-yo but it is what it is and its in the past. Now fast forward to year 3 and after her getting some therapy and an extended break up she tells me that she wants to get married, that's she ready to move the relationship forward. And I told her that I actually was not ready for that, that I need to see some stability long-term before we take that step. I offered to move in with her and work on building toward marriage, but she will not hear a word of it.
She wants to get married NOW and she has "nothing more to give" in terms of showing her love and affection for me. I suppose after writing this all out that there are a ton of red flags here and I do believe that I am representing things fairly accurately. I guess my question to you guys is this, is it not fair that I ask my SO to consider what my wants and needs are before marriage. If there are things lacking in our relationship, is it permissible for me to point those things out and ask her to work on them or am I being totally unfair to her and asking her to be someone she is not. Thanks
This is exactly what I proposed. I said being that we have had a very unstable relationship, why don't I move in and we can work on things together. By moving in i would actually be added another 35 minutes to my already hour-long drive to work so it's not like i wouldn't be sacrificing anything for the relationship. She absolutely will not entertain the idea of me moving in because of her past experience living with BFs that didn't work out, the heartache of the break up and the fact that she has a daughter and doesn't want to hurt her further if we split up. I can see where she is coming from but I have been heavily involved in her daughters life since she was a 1 year old AND I would spend like 4-5 days a week at her house anyway
Why does she want to get married so urgently? It's not like I'm rich and can take care of all her problems? Don't you want to "get married" because you finally found someone you love? This feels like a "insert man here" thing to me
You sure she's not pregnant?
Why does she want to get married so urgently? It's not like I'm rich and can take care of all her problems? Don't you want to "get married" because you finally found someone you love? This feels like a "insert man here" thing to me
Why does she want to get married so urgently? It's not like I'm rich and can take care of all her problems? Don't you want to "get married" because you finally found someone you love? This feels like a "insert man here" thing to me
I can't even hold all of these red flags. If she refuses to even do a trial move in period (to see if you guys can even stand living with each other), there are so many things that could go wrong.
You sure she's not pregnant?
And didn't you have a famous thread a few years ago about hooking up with a random girl that got derailed by detective GAF?
From this, it sounds like she needs time to think about something like marriage. Maybe she thinks the marriage will be some sort of solution? I would overall recommend not to do it. I think you know what you want to do.Yea this speaks to exactly what I mean by "needing more" in the OP. I have been there for her through thick and thin. Through a very difficult child support battle with her ex and battles during mediation. She was so stressed out that she got Alopecia and lost all of her hair. I was the there for her the first day she decided to buzz off all her hair. I buzzed her hair for her and constantly reminded her how beautiful she looked. When she started wearing wigs, I took pics of her and told her how great the wigs looked on her. I bathed, fed, consoled and loved her child like she was mine. I got very close to her family and spent time with them constantly. When I say that she hasn't proven herself to me it's because I have never really felt truly valued or appreciated by her because she so routinely discarded me or broke up with me. She hit rock bottom several months ago when she swallowed a bottle of pills as her daughter slept. After she took the pills, she immediately called her mom and her mom raced by and forced her to throw up. She was then admitted to a psychiatric ward for a week with no access to any personal belongings or sharp items. We were on a long break at this point and this was after she said she wanted to marry me the first time but I told her I needed time to think about what is best for me.
i dont understand the mindset of marriage magically fixing couples problems
i dont understand the mindset of marriage magically fixing couples problems
She "has nothing more to give" and you're miserable, you guys constantly break up, and she's giving you a marriage ultimatum?
Say no, let her leave, and be glad you dodged a bullet.
I've seen it so many times. I've also seen a lot of divorces of people in their 20s
Most people want a wedding, but aren't ready for a marriage. I've seen more than a few couples get divorced in their mid-20's too, and some more than once.