Between the Raindrops (999)
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NeoGAF Creative Writing Challenge 108 - "..."
- Thread starter Ashes
- Start date
- Status
British Monsoon
Member
The ship screamed its angry protests in every creak and groan of every worn and weathered timber, as the wind buffeted and blustered from all sides, whipping the sea into a frenzy, and sending airborne the cold, salty spray that chilled him to the bone. Hands gripped fervently on the tiller, he wrestled against the weight of the waves, eyes locked upon the dull, vague haze at the edge of the horizon that marked his destination and his journeys end, if only he could see the storm through. And, as if sensing his thoughts, the wind then redoubled its efforts, returning with a renewed vigour to rip at his sails, and to pierce his sodden body with its icicle-laden fingers, that burned their mark on shivering flesh with every touch. There was no shelter in the little skiff, no galley to stow himself in and wait for the storm to pass him by, just the tiller and the mast, and the billowing sails that afforded little shelter from the wind's malevolent disregard. He cursed his luck, to be caught among this squall like a fish in a net, his own catch released back into the waves as the storm bore down on his heavily-laden boat, forcing him to abandon that which he had risked the storm for in the first place. It's not a night to be sailing, the old fishermen had said, but fear is for the old and the weak, he had replied, and began to boast of the haul he would draw from the ocean depths. And what a haul it had been, the deck near overflowing with fish that flapped and gasped ankle deep upon the deck. The sky had been clear, unnaturally so, and the moon hung low and fat, illuminating the sparkling waters to such a degree that he could see the shoals swimming beneath the surface. An ill omen, such a night was, the old men had said, but he laughed at their words as, time and time again, he dangled his net over the side and hauled it out with a cargo full of fish. But, he should have listened, should have hearkened to the old men's warnings. Tonight was no night to set sail, and their whispered words rang harshly in his frozen ears, as another wave, looming tall before him like some great beast, came crashing down upon the little boat. With gasping breaths he surfaced, bobbing in the water like a lure on the end of a fishing line, and of his boat there was no sign. No timbers or cloth, nor any remnant was left above sea, the wave had swallowed it whole, pausing only to spit him back out as if the waters found him distasteful. He vainly tried to regain sight of the horizon, to see a speck of land he could focus on and head towards, but his vision was a wall of salty water and frothing haze, painting a vivid tableau against the ink black night sky, now laden heavily with cloud. He cried out his frustration, but served only to draw in salty death that caused him to splutter and flail, panic setting in as his limbs grew heavy and, inexorably, as if gripping him with unseen fingers, the sea dragged him below, down into the briny depths.
Ideally!
HP_Wuvcraft
Banned
Brom Bones hated Ichabod Crane the moment that he heard the man had come to town. He hated Ichabod Crane the moment that he walked into the tavern. Brom Bones dug his knife deeper into what would be the Jack OLanterns eye.
This man this Crane was utterly unremarkable. Skinny legs, skinny arms, crooked nose. Easy enough to kill if it came to that. He hated himself for the thought, as Brom had no intention of ever killing anyone. His anger ended there. His hatred for his lot in life. His hatred for the damned town of Sleepy Hollow. He watched with envy, rage, and indignation as the townsfolk all greeted him. As the ladies all laughed with him. The townsfolk of Sleepy Hollow were superstitious, but not stupid. They were wary, but not stupid. Brom Bones was also not stupid, but also not a moron.
He was only a child when his fathers business with Adam Crane came about. But at the age of a child, these things would fester in a man. Especially the odd, strange, deadly, and extraordinary. Brom was clutching his mother. He remembered that, as he would like to remember that night as being as dark and stormy as the current in the tavern. His father, Seward Bones, loaded his musket. The foreign man from Italy, who calmed himself Sagani, was complaining to him that it would do no good. He himself held an odd weapon, something that Brom had seen demonstrated once. It shot an arrow without the need for the user to pull back the string. Sagani had performed this feat against the haystocks, from a regular dart to a flamed one, to one that excreted a black-green substance that smelled rotten. Sagani was apparently there at the mayors behest; he knew that because his father oft brought him to city council meetings. He was a man of some quality and reputation in the New World of America. He might have even worked with General Washington. Brom, as a grown man, could not remember properly.
What Brom Bones could not remember, because he did not know, was what happened
after his father, Sagani, and the five other men left the house that night. He did not know that it was a full moon, nor did he know of the babies that had been found mutilated in the woods, sometimes fairly close to town. He did not know that the man had deduced that the creature had left the livestock and dogs alone. He did not know that, among the things that Sagani knew, he knew the word lycanthrope quite well. Sagani did not know, however, was the reason why, when the wolves chased them to the Old Bridge, they stopped and howled at the base of the structure. He did not know why they did not cross.
But the werewolves knew what the humans did not. They knew that death waited to hunt them on the other side of the Old Bridge. That some things were far older and far more crafty than they were. In that sense, they respected the death that lay on the other side. But it did not respect them. It just knew they were scared. Which was fine.
Brom remembered the door opening. His father entering, with a large sack that dripped and smelled. Sagani, and then two others, where before there were five. He was told to go to his room, but he looked down upon them through the floorboards. Fire flickering, he could not see what was in the bag, but he saw the men peering into it.
The leader was Adam Crane, the schoolteacher he heard his father say I should have known.
What concerns me more, Sagani replied in broken English was why they allowed us to shoot them from the bridge. Why they would not follow.
Mayor Van Tassel sat next to Brom, and indicated Ichabod. Brom politely listened as Van Tassel talked to him about the past, about the wolves, and about how this Crane was not that Crane. To let it go. That Adam Crane was not the one to come for his mother and father the night after the hunt with Sagani. He politely listened to all of that. He finished the eye of the Jack OLantern, and then stood up. Then he went to dance with Kathryn Van Tassel, only to discover that she already was talking to Ichabod Crane. So he, sharing one last look with the Mayor, left the tavern.
Mr. Bones, he heard as he was leaving Mr. Bones, I so very wanted to meet you tonight.
He turned to face the fool whose father was a wolfman.
I do not wish to talk to you, Mr. Crane, and I assume you understand why. Now please leave Bones spat at him, trying to conceal his boiling rage but not his distaste for the man.
Is it true that your father killed mine?
This turned Brom Bones blood. This would not stand. He asked him if he believed in werewolves, and then he began to tell the tale that he had been thinking of all night. The wind had died down, and now it was just a crisp, arid All Hallows breeze. He believed that this, combined with his hate, scared Crane something nasty. Everyone loved a good scary story on a perfect October night. Especially if it was true and personal. On the way to his house, he passed the patrol. They cajoled him for not going on the hunt with them, for being afraid to meet the wolf that took his parents, and he shot back at them that they should try crossing the Old Bridge for a change. This shut them up pretty good. It always shut them up pretty good. That was when the idea hit him.
The plan was simple: Brom tolerated Crane for a full year. He waited until the following All Hallows Eve. Yes, he waited for his revenge till October the next; that was his conviction, his rage. He even let Kathryn and Crane grow closer together. The plan would not work otherwise. He needed every part to be in a proper place. He even tolerated Crane teaching the schoolchildren about taxes and gravity. But then it was October again, and it was time for Brom and his friends to talk to Crane about the annual spook hunt in the woods. It would impress and humor Kathryn and her father, as well as the town, if he, only a year old, would partake in a historical tradition. He conveniently left out the part where the spook hunt was really just the patrol going out to hunt the remaining wolves.
Kathryn and her father watched and waved as Ichabod picked a rifle, a horse, and left with the five other men of the hunt. Brom sipped his Pumpkin-flavored Ale from a stoop. Three of the five were Broms best hunting partners; he did not wish to kill Ichabod Crane, just to show him that the legend was a reality. Show him that his lineage was at once time tainted by the devils hand. That his father was a murderer of infants. He told his friends, if things got out hand, to lead Crane to the Old Bridge where he had heard tales of safe haven. Safety on the bridge, not across it. Saganis wise words rung in his ears.
The spook hunt never emerged from the woods.
In the morning, Mayor Van Tassel rounded up Brom Bones and ten others to comb the woods. It was brazen and audacious to go as far as Van Tassel was talking, even in the day. They were to go past the Old Bridge. This is what made Brom Bones sign up for the rescue if it was to be that at all. Something within him felt pity for Crane. Maybe even a bit of sympathy. Maybe it was his fault that this happened. So, for all these reasons, he went.
As they neared the Old Bridge, the sounds of October seemed to grow stronger. Twigs snapping, crows cawing. Dogs barking in the distance. And then they came to it. The bridge. A fairly ordinary structure. Nothing that would suggest a nefarious nature, if you leave out the fact that its very nature implied the unknown on the other side.
As they crossed, they all noted, in their own ways, how the foliage was all brown as compared to the lush autumn of before. It was as if the bridge was in actuality a bridge, not to the other side of the woods, but to the other side in general. Brom noted dual Jack OLanterns on each side of the Old Bridge as they crossed. He found it odd that they seemed to be expertly carved, and yet, nobody ever went to this side. It also looked as if they held burning candles in them the night before. Most curious. He told this to Van Tussel, who merrily joked that maybe the goblins were celebrating the holiday as well. After all, he finished, why should humans have all the fun?
Then they found the broken pumpkins, next to the horses. They had to cover their noses before they saw the horses, for when they did see them, they noticed how dead they all were. Torn open, but not as if wild animals did it twas as if children had ripped open their bags full of candy after the holiday event. They followed blood and entrails to a further clearing. It was becoming clear to Brom that he had sent Ichabod to his death. Still, perhaps the man got away and was hiding in a tree? After all, Ichabod was full of intelligence. Right?
They made sure to cross back right away, while it was still light. It was clear to everyone that the spook hunt had been slaughtered. As they were leaving, Brom saw and this concerned him that the Jack OLanterns were gone.
The following morning, the same hunting party went and torched the bridge.
Except that the next October, the next spook hunt came back and talked of how the Old Bridge was still there, as if it had always been.
Well, you know how these things go.
This man this Crane was utterly unremarkable. Skinny legs, skinny arms, crooked nose. Easy enough to kill if it came to that. He hated himself for the thought, as Brom had no intention of ever killing anyone. His anger ended there. His hatred for his lot in life. His hatred for the damned town of Sleepy Hollow. He watched with envy, rage, and indignation as the townsfolk all greeted him. As the ladies all laughed with him. The townsfolk of Sleepy Hollow were superstitious, but not stupid. They were wary, but not stupid. Brom Bones was also not stupid, but also not a moron.
He was only a child when his fathers business with Adam Crane came about. But at the age of a child, these things would fester in a man. Especially the odd, strange, deadly, and extraordinary. Brom was clutching his mother. He remembered that, as he would like to remember that night as being as dark and stormy as the current in the tavern. His father, Seward Bones, loaded his musket. The foreign man from Italy, who calmed himself Sagani, was complaining to him that it would do no good. He himself held an odd weapon, something that Brom had seen demonstrated once. It shot an arrow without the need for the user to pull back the string. Sagani had performed this feat against the haystocks, from a regular dart to a flamed one, to one that excreted a black-green substance that smelled rotten. Sagani was apparently there at the mayors behest; he knew that because his father oft brought him to city council meetings. He was a man of some quality and reputation in the New World of America. He might have even worked with General Washington. Brom, as a grown man, could not remember properly.
What Brom Bones could not remember, because he did not know, was what happened
after his father, Sagani, and the five other men left the house that night. He did not know that it was a full moon, nor did he know of the babies that had been found mutilated in the woods, sometimes fairly close to town. He did not know that the man had deduced that the creature had left the livestock and dogs alone. He did not know that, among the things that Sagani knew, he knew the word lycanthrope quite well. Sagani did not know, however, was the reason why, when the wolves chased them to the Old Bridge, they stopped and howled at the base of the structure. He did not know why they did not cross.
But the werewolves knew what the humans did not. They knew that death waited to hunt them on the other side of the Old Bridge. That some things were far older and far more crafty than they were. In that sense, they respected the death that lay on the other side. But it did not respect them. It just knew they were scared. Which was fine.
Brom remembered the door opening. His father entering, with a large sack that dripped and smelled. Sagani, and then two others, where before there were five. He was told to go to his room, but he looked down upon them through the floorboards. Fire flickering, he could not see what was in the bag, but he saw the men peering into it.
The leader was Adam Crane, the schoolteacher he heard his father say I should have known.
What concerns me more, Sagani replied in broken English was why they allowed us to shoot them from the bridge. Why they would not follow.
Mayor Van Tassel sat next to Brom, and indicated Ichabod. Brom politely listened as Van Tassel talked to him about the past, about the wolves, and about how this Crane was not that Crane. To let it go. That Adam Crane was not the one to come for his mother and father the night after the hunt with Sagani. He politely listened to all of that. He finished the eye of the Jack OLantern, and then stood up. Then he went to dance with Kathryn Van Tassel, only to discover that she already was talking to Ichabod Crane. So he, sharing one last look with the Mayor, left the tavern.
Mr. Bones, he heard as he was leaving Mr. Bones, I so very wanted to meet you tonight.
He turned to face the fool whose father was a wolfman.
I do not wish to talk to you, Mr. Crane, and I assume you understand why. Now please leave Bones spat at him, trying to conceal his boiling rage but not his distaste for the man.
Is it true that your father killed mine?
This turned Brom Bones blood. This would not stand. He asked him if he believed in werewolves, and then he began to tell the tale that he had been thinking of all night. The wind had died down, and now it was just a crisp, arid All Hallows breeze. He believed that this, combined with his hate, scared Crane something nasty. Everyone loved a good scary story on a perfect October night. Especially if it was true and personal. On the way to his house, he passed the patrol. They cajoled him for not going on the hunt with them, for being afraid to meet the wolf that took his parents, and he shot back at them that they should try crossing the Old Bridge for a change. This shut them up pretty good. It always shut them up pretty good. That was when the idea hit him.
The plan was simple: Brom tolerated Crane for a full year. He waited until the following All Hallows Eve. Yes, he waited for his revenge till October the next; that was his conviction, his rage. He even let Kathryn and Crane grow closer together. The plan would not work otherwise. He needed every part to be in a proper place. He even tolerated Crane teaching the schoolchildren about taxes and gravity. But then it was October again, and it was time for Brom and his friends to talk to Crane about the annual spook hunt in the woods. It would impress and humor Kathryn and her father, as well as the town, if he, only a year old, would partake in a historical tradition. He conveniently left out the part where the spook hunt was really just the patrol going out to hunt the remaining wolves.
Kathryn and her father watched and waved as Ichabod picked a rifle, a horse, and left with the five other men of the hunt. Brom sipped his Pumpkin-flavored Ale from a stoop. Three of the five were Broms best hunting partners; he did not wish to kill Ichabod Crane, just to show him that the legend was a reality. Show him that his lineage was at once time tainted by the devils hand. That his father was a murderer of infants. He told his friends, if things got out hand, to lead Crane to the Old Bridge where he had heard tales of safe haven. Safety on the bridge, not across it. Saganis wise words rung in his ears.
The spook hunt never emerged from the woods.
In the morning, Mayor Van Tassel rounded up Brom Bones and ten others to comb the woods. It was brazen and audacious to go as far as Van Tassel was talking, even in the day. They were to go past the Old Bridge. This is what made Brom Bones sign up for the rescue if it was to be that at all. Something within him felt pity for Crane. Maybe even a bit of sympathy. Maybe it was his fault that this happened. So, for all these reasons, he went.
As they neared the Old Bridge, the sounds of October seemed to grow stronger. Twigs snapping, crows cawing. Dogs barking in the distance. And then they came to it. The bridge. A fairly ordinary structure. Nothing that would suggest a nefarious nature, if you leave out the fact that its very nature implied the unknown on the other side.
As they crossed, they all noted, in their own ways, how the foliage was all brown as compared to the lush autumn of before. It was as if the bridge was in actuality a bridge, not to the other side of the woods, but to the other side in general. Brom noted dual Jack OLanterns on each side of the Old Bridge as they crossed. He found it odd that they seemed to be expertly carved, and yet, nobody ever went to this side. It also looked as if they held burning candles in them the night before. Most curious. He told this to Van Tussel, who merrily joked that maybe the goblins were celebrating the holiday as well. After all, he finished, why should humans have all the fun?
Then they found the broken pumpkins, next to the horses. They had to cover their noses before they saw the horses, for when they did see them, they noticed how dead they all were. Torn open, but not as if wild animals did it twas as if children had ripped open their bags full of candy after the holiday event. They followed blood and entrails to a further clearing. It was becoming clear to Brom that he had sent Ichabod to his death. Still, perhaps the man got away and was hiding in a tree? After all, Ichabod was full of intelligence. Right?
They made sure to cross back right away, while it was still light. It was clear to everyone that the spook hunt had been slaughtered. As they were leaving, Brom saw and this concerned him that the Jack OLanterns were gone.
The following morning, the same hunting party went and torched the bridge.
Except that the next October, the next spook hunt came back and talked of how the Old Bridge was still there, as if it had always been.
Well, you know how these things go.
Like the hat?
Banned
#1 - Cyan
#2 - Ashes
#3 - Tangent
I liked them all, but I loved Cyan's. It's the one that most left me wanting more. I can see why he's won so many of these things.
#2 - Ashes
#3 - Tangent
I liked them all, but I loved Cyan's. It's the one that most left me wanting more. I can see why he's won so many of these things.
HP_Wuvcraft
Banned
In the end days, Cyan and I will learn to trust each other, leading him to inevitably kill me when I turn.
Valerie Cherish
Member
Votes:
1. Ashes - "Ducks & Rabbits"
2. Tangent - "For a Fleeting Moment"
3. Zero Ray - "Waiting Room"
Some notes I made:
Like the Hat? - Note to Self:
I didn't feel a connection with this character. It read like a quick dose of depressing prose before finding out who he was. Initially I thought parents kicked him out, then when I read the part about the woman that said "You'll find a way, I swear," I thought it was a wife and that she divorced him and then kicked him out. Then I realized it was a dad after that. So, my own focus on "who to blame" was always changing in a short time.
I liked the lines: "trying to fill my brain since I can't fill my stomach" and "I can still feel the burn in the back of my throat from the screaming."
Ainaurdur - “Reassurance”
I got really hung up on "We would survive." in the second paragraph. I was debating if it was basically saying "Hey, we survived, here's what happened" or if he hoped that they would survive.
I liked the brother character and how the younger one caught him in his moments of weakness.
Ashes - Ducks & Rabbits
I was really with this up until the unscrewing of the hand. I get that she didn't trust him. I have to imagine that she was still dreaming, but on the other hand, why wouldn't she think someone would ask her "Where's your brother?" before the missing child story began to run. I really liked the dialog between the kids.
John Dunbar - Aspect of Sky
While I like the tie between loneliness and masturbation and how the character was familiar with loneliness, I thought it was an odd tie-in. Really liked the pacing and word choice, especially the opening sentence which drew me in right away.
Zero Ray - Waiting Room
I feel like I would have been drawn in quicker if you omitted the first paragraph (or used parts of it elsewhere). When I read that part, I thought, "This is depressing and I've heard it before." When I got into the second paragraph, it was a more personal "depressing" that I was interested in. I understand that it's set-up for the character/victim, but I would have liked it if it had started there.
I think the callback to that was too far away, because we were already learning about how he has become a husk of his former self and his brother's incident before we even get to his wife.
You mention the "thematic connotations of the imagery" not being lost to your character, but they are on me. Sorry :\
I really liked the prose from "I was disgusted by what she became..." to "... every two minutes."
Tangent - For A Fleeting Moment
The short sentence pacing really threw me off; I had a hard time transitioning. The fourth paragraph is great. "eagles 64-inch wingspan" made this abruptly sound 'technical' to me. The end felt too tie-in-y to me. I REALLY liked the part from when he was caught to when he returned to his lake. I would have preferred it as simply an event in his life without the preying at the end. It was so soon after he returned.
Cyan - Between the Raindrops
Did not expect the hostage to die
I liked that for an ending. I was a little surprised that he seemed to have no reaction to that. Really liked the portion that described the fight between the main character and the two startled men. Liked the idea of walking between raindrops as well.
Bootaaay - The Ship
Enjoyed how descriptive this was with the ship against the storm.
1. Ashes - "Ducks & Rabbits"
2. Tangent - "For a Fleeting Moment"
3. Zero Ray - "Waiting Room"
Some notes I made:
Like the Hat? - Note to Self:
I didn't feel a connection with this character. It read like a quick dose of depressing prose before finding out who he was. Initially I thought parents kicked him out, then when I read the part about the woman that said "You'll find a way, I swear," I thought it was a wife and that she divorced him and then kicked him out. Then I realized it was a dad after that. So, my own focus on "who to blame" was always changing in a short time.
I liked the lines: "trying to fill my brain since I can't fill my stomach" and "I can still feel the burn in the back of my throat from the screaming."
Ainaurdur - “Reassurance”
I got really hung up on "We would survive." in the second paragraph. I was debating if it was basically saying "Hey, we survived, here's what happened" or if he hoped that they would survive.
I liked the brother character and how the younger one caught him in his moments of weakness.
Ashes - Ducks & Rabbits
I was really with this up until the unscrewing of the hand. I get that she didn't trust him. I have to imagine that she was still dreaming, but on the other hand, why wouldn't she think someone would ask her "Where's your brother?" before the missing child story began to run. I really liked the dialog between the kids.
John Dunbar - Aspect of Sky
While I like the tie between loneliness and masturbation and how the character was familiar with loneliness, I thought it was an odd tie-in. Really liked the pacing and word choice, especially the opening sentence which drew me in right away.
Zero Ray - Waiting Room
I feel like I would have been drawn in quicker if you omitted the first paragraph (or used parts of it elsewhere). When I read that part, I thought, "This is depressing and I've heard it before." When I got into the second paragraph, it was a more personal "depressing" that I was interested in. I understand that it's set-up for the character/victim, but I would have liked it if it had started there.
I think the callback to that was too far away, because we were already learning about how he has become a husk of his former self and his brother's incident before we even get to his wife.
You mention the "thematic connotations of the imagery" not being lost to your character, but they are on me. Sorry :\
I really liked the prose from "I was disgusted by what she became..." to "... every two minutes."
Tangent - For A Fleeting Moment
The short sentence pacing really threw me off; I had a hard time transitioning. The fourth paragraph is great. "eagles 64-inch wingspan" made this abruptly sound 'technical' to me. The end felt too tie-in-y to me. I REALLY liked the part from when he was caught to when he returned to his lake. I would have preferred it as simply an event in his life without the preying at the end. It was so soon after he returned.
Cyan - Between the Raindrops
Did not expect the hostage to die
I liked that for an ending. I was a little surprised that he seemed to have no reaction to that. Really liked the portion that described the fight between the main character and the two startled men. Liked the idea of walking between raindrops as well.Bootaaay - The Ship
Enjoyed how descriptive this was with the ship against the storm.
Btw, I thought it was interesting how a non-language prompt ignited so many ultra short stories. Good stuff!
Crits:
Like the hat? - Note to Self: Gosh I hope this isn’t autobiographical or even based on personal reflection! I very much like how you described how he felt, and how he felt about all the people he mentioned in the story. There were times that the self-dialog felt less genuine, like, “Way to go, guy, never give up the hope.” Also, I agree that he might not like how people ignored him when he tried to warm his hands with the hand dryer but maybe it would have helped to show how that contrasted with him not caring about anything. I wonder if it would be worth playing with including more of the Classics he was reading into the story. I’m not sure though, just an idea.
Ainaurdur - "Reassurance": I liked the picture you portrayed. Perhaps some dialog would have helped with some more “show don’t tell.” Also, I was a bit confused as to why the natural disaster chaos continued seemingly indefinitely but maybe that’s just me not getting it! I would have found it helpful to understand why the younger sibling (I was picturing another brother but not sure) always looked up to his older brother so much and wondered if you would allude to how it seemed like the younger sibling began being the “strong one” in the latter half of the story. I wondered if all the while, the MC was his own reassurance, but he projected it onto his older brother.
Valerie Cherish – Hello: What I liked most about this story was how I wanted to race through your sentences. Very, very clear language that created suspense. Your language use also made it sound like the MC’s body was in danger by an intruder long before the end, and actions seemed to happen beyond the MC’s control, e.g., “Her hand throws itself…” I’m not sure how, but although you created a moment of silence before the “hello” and the previous chaos, I wish that silence was longer. I’m not sure how you do that in writing though without destroying the pace.
Ashes - Ducks & Rabbits: My favorite part was the dialog between the kids. It felt very real. I also very much liked the opening. I liked how for a good moment in the story, I had no idea which way it would go with the character’s intents and language, and that suspense was great. I had wished there was a bit more clarity to the nicknames.
John Dunbar - Aspect of Sky: Interesting story. In some ways, it vaguely reminded me of the concepts from my own submission. I liked the rhetorical questions in the 3rd paragraph, but I wonder if they could have been expressed in more of his reflection of experience. Also, in general, I wonder if the story could have been spiced up with dialog between the 2 brothers or flashbacks, etc. Small comment: I liked the phrase, “dust mites dancing on a sunbeam.”
ZeroRay - Waiting Room: I really liked how you described the changing relationship between the man and his wife and kids. I also liked how you described the view from the window at the beginning at the end. I’m wondering if it would have helped the story to describe how the view changed (with the wind, etc.) as the MC described his reflection. But I’m not sure. Maybe it would have been distracting. Just thinking.
Cyan - Between the Raindrops: The opening of your story is great. I also liked how whenever confronted with obstacles – as characters – the MC evaluated the situation very strategically. The fight scenes were not a blur; they were clear and fun. I also liked how between the raindrops worked as a parable for his obsessive perfectionism. I had wished there was more clarity to the MC’s mission, and more background as to who the MC was.
Bootaaay - The Ship: Beautiful language. Vivid description – I could practically feel the wind! I like how you described the manic determination of the captain as well, since I assume that’s what it took for every voyage like that. For ease of reading, I wonder if it would have helped to have separate paragraphs. I like how your story didn’t have dialog. Also, I like how the captain tried to see the horizon even when he was drowning. Your story really stuck out and created a strong vivid memory. Great work.
SquiddyBiscuit - The tales of Elias Ward: Such a great title!!!! And I mentioned how I thought it was interesting how all the stories were short this time around, but yours wins for shortest. Obviously.
Votes
1. Bootaaay
2. ZeroRay
3. ValerieCherish
HM: Cyan, <3 the hat?
Thanks for the feedback. Very helpful. What I wanted to was create a crisp picture of the grandness but I struggled with that. And interesting point about the preying event. I think I tried to do too much at the end: (a) going back to the routine and numbness of a banal life since the life-expanding moment was just that- a moment -- that could not be remembered and acted upon after it was over -- and (b) playing off the legend of fish having a 2 second memory. Thanks.... all good food for thought! On a side note, I wrote this story during a 5-hour road trip and had to look up every 2 seconds since I get carsick easily! Good times!
Crits:
Like the hat? - Note to Self: Gosh I hope this isn’t autobiographical or even based on personal reflection! I very much like how you described how he felt, and how he felt about all the people he mentioned in the story. There were times that the self-dialog felt less genuine, like, “Way to go, guy, never give up the hope.” Also, I agree that he might not like how people ignored him when he tried to warm his hands with the hand dryer but maybe it would have helped to show how that contrasted with him not caring about anything. I wonder if it would be worth playing with including more of the Classics he was reading into the story. I’m not sure though, just an idea.
Ainaurdur - "Reassurance": I liked the picture you portrayed. Perhaps some dialog would have helped with some more “show don’t tell.” Also, I was a bit confused as to why the natural disaster chaos continued seemingly indefinitely but maybe that’s just me not getting it! I would have found it helpful to understand why the younger sibling (I was picturing another brother but not sure) always looked up to his older brother so much and wondered if you would allude to how it seemed like the younger sibling began being the “strong one” in the latter half of the story. I wondered if all the while, the MC was his own reassurance, but he projected it onto his older brother.
Valerie Cherish – Hello: What I liked most about this story was how I wanted to race through your sentences. Very, very clear language that created suspense. Your language use also made it sound like the MC’s body was in danger by an intruder long before the end, and actions seemed to happen beyond the MC’s control, e.g., “Her hand throws itself…” I’m not sure how, but although you created a moment of silence before the “hello” and the previous chaos, I wish that silence was longer. I’m not sure how you do that in writing though without destroying the pace.
Ashes - Ducks & Rabbits: My favorite part was the dialog between the kids. It felt very real. I also very much liked the opening. I liked how for a good moment in the story, I had no idea which way it would go with the character’s intents and language, and that suspense was great. I had wished there was a bit more clarity to the nicknames.
John Dunbar - Aspect of Sky: Interesting story. In some ways, it vaguely reminded me of the concepts from my own submission. I liked the rhetorical questions in the 3rd paragraph, but I wonder if they could have been expressed in more of his reflection of experience. Also, in general, I wonder if the story could have been spiced up with dialog between the 2 brothers or flashbacks, etc. Small comment: I liked the phrase, “dust mites dancing on a sunbeam.”
ZeroRay - Waiting Room: I really liked how you described the changing relationship between the man and his wife and kids. I also liked how you described the view from the window at the beginning at the end. I’m wondering if it would have helped the story to describe how the view changed (with the wind, etc.) as the MC described his reflection. But I’m not sure. Maybe it would have been distracting. Just thinking.
Cyan - Between the Raindrops: The opening of your story is great. I also liked how whenever confronted with obstacles – as characters – the MC evaluated the situation very strategically. The fight scenes were not a blur; they were clear and fun. I also liked how between the raindrops worked as a parable for his obsessive perfectionism. I had wished there was more clarity to the MC’s mission, and more background as to who the MC was.
Bootaaay - The Ship: Beautiful language. Vivid description – I could practically feel the wind! I like how you described the manic determination of the captain as well, since I assume that’s what it took for every voyage like that. For ease of reading, I wonder if it would have helped to have separate paragraphs. I like how your story didn’t have dialog. Also, I like how the captain tried to see the horizon even when he was drowning. Your story really stuck out and created a strong vivid memory. Great work.
SquiddyBiscuit - The tales of Elias Ward: Such a great title!!!! And I mentioned how I thought it was interesting how all the stories were short this time around, but yours wins for shortest. Obviously.
Votes
1. Bootaaay
2. ZeroRay
3. ValerieCherish
HM: Cyan, <3 the hat?
Thanks for the feedback. Very helpful. What I wanted to was create a crisp picture of the grandness but I struggled with that. And interesting point about the preying event. I think I tried to do too much at the end: (a) going back to the routine and numbness of a banal life since the life-expanding moment was just that- a moment -- that could not be remembered and acted upon after it was over -- and (b) playing off the legend of fish having a 2 second memory. Thanks.... all good food for thought! On a side note, I wrote this story during a 5-hour road trip and had to look up every 2 seconds since I get carsick easily! Good times!
Too lazy to crit, but I enjoyed reading all of the submissions, I believe the "..." is supposed to be "write something that resonates with the reader" (right Ashes, right!?), and everyone here did do that. Particularly, the first paragraph of Cyan's story.
Votes
1: Cyan - Between the Raindrops
2: Ashes - Ducks & Rabbits
3. Tangent - For a Fleeting Moment
HM: Like the hat? - Note to Self -> Looks like great minds vote alike!
Keep holding down the fort, guys!
Votes
1: Cyan - Between the Raindrops
2: Ashes - Ducks & Rabbits
3. Tangent - For a Fleeting Moment
HM: Like the hat? - Note to Self -> Looks like great minds vote alike!
Keep holding down the fort, guys!
*checks the check in mail*
Why yes Zeroray. In fact, you might just be the first neogaf poster to be a billion percent correct.
Like the hat? - "Note to Self" - Yowch. Great detail work. I'd like to see a clearer throughline to the piece, rather than only describing the current state of affairs. I like the library callback.
Ainaurdur - "Reassurance" - would've liked to maybe get some more detail on what was going on, but maybe it wasn't necessary. Nice work on portraying the relationship of the siblings, and the strength of the older brother.
Valerie Cherish - "Hello" - ha! Was oddly creepy right up to the end, and the whole time I thought it was going to turn out to be nothing. Nicely done. Maybe a little too thick on the details of turning on the shower and so on.
Ashes - "Ducks & Rabbits" - wonderful dialogue, wonderful interplay, great overall. Right up to the end, which threw me for a loop as it was totally out of phase with the rest. I wasn't sure what I had just read. Still not sure.
John Dunbar - "Aspect of Sky" - Some really sweet prose here. I love the idea of the sky looking back. Another one where I'd like a little bit more of a story.
ZeroRay - "Waiting Room" - kinda hard reading this after the scorcho thread. :/ I like the character work here. Though I feel like he'd blame people more for not visiting him.
Tangent - "For a Fleeting Moment" - Haha, your stories are always really distinctive. I think that's what makes them so much fun, that they're a lot different from the usual stuff. The Angels of Life thing is great. I kind of want to complain that the fish survived, but that seems like a ridiculous thing to complain about, I dunno.
Bootaaay - "The Ship" - You're killing me, Boot! Awesome details, lovely prose, but it's a giant wall o' text 500 words long! Argh! *ahem* Anyway, yes, I would like to see a few paragraph breaks in there next time.
Votes:
1. Ainaurdur - "Reassurance"
2. Ashes - "Ducks & Rabbits"
3. Bootaaay - "The Ship"
Ainaurdur - "Reassurance" - would've liked to maybe get some more detail on what was going on, but maybe it wasn't necessary. Nice work on portraying the relationship of the siblings, and the strength of the older brother.
Valerie Cherish - "Hello" - ha! Was oddly creepy right up to the end, and the whole time I thought it was going to turn out to be nothing. Nicely done. Maybe a little too thick on the details of turning on the shower and so on.
Ashes - "Ducks & Rabbits" - wonderful dialogue, wonderful interplay, great overall. Right up to the end, which threw me for a loop as it was totally out of phase with the rest. I wasn't sure what I had just read. Still not sure.
John Dunbar - "Aspect of Sky" - Some really sweet prose here. I love the idea of the sky looking back. Another one where I'd like a little bit more of a story.
ZeroRay - "Waiting Room" - kinda hard reading this after the scorcho thread. :/ I like the character work here. Though I feel like he'd blame people more for not visiting him.
Tangent - "For a Fleeting Moment" - Haha, your stories are always really distinctive. I think that's what makes them so much fun, that they're a lot different from the usual stuff. The Angels of Life thing is great. I kind of want to complain that the fish survived, but that seems like a ridiculous thing to complain about, I dunno.
Bootaaay - "The Ship" - You're killing me, Boot! Awesome details, lovely prose, but it's a giant wall o' text 500 words long! Argh! *ahem* Anyway, yes, I would like to see a few paragraph breaks in there next time.
Votes:
1. Ainaurdur - "Reassurance"
2. Ashes - "Ducks & Rabbits"
3. Bootaaay - "The Ship"
1. Ainaurdur
2. J.D
3. Bootaaay
Hms. 1 Tangent, Zero
Hms. 2 Cyan, Vale and like...
Note to Self - Recommend edit to allow most important things to flourish.
"Reassurance" - Don't want to dent linguistic ambitions, so advise work on style.
Hello - Shower horror scene? cliché?; work on different scene lengths - mid section too long.
Ducks & Rabbits - Quit writing.
Aspect of Sky - MC was a silly teen, yet prose was a joy to read - work on characterisation and narration.
Waiting Room - Work on blending scenes. and edit to allow most important things to flourish
For a Fleeting Moment - Good clear prose - work on transitions between scenes.
Between the Raindrops - Great start, good action scene exposition, but middle to end section dragged [try greater variation? Too terse at times.
The Ship - Prose was wonderful, yet made the story difficult to follow. Work on exposition.
The tales of Elias Ward - Needs words. Recommend... adding conflict, drama, prose. Well.. a beginning, a middle and an end.
2. J.D
3. Bootaaay
Hms. 1 Tangent, Zero
Hms. 2 Cyan, Vale and like...
Note to Self - Recommend edit to allow most important things to flourish.
"Reassurance" - Don't want to dent linguistic ambitions, so advise work on style.
Hello - Shower horror scene? cliché?
; work on different scene lengths - mid section too long.Ducks & Rabbits - Quit writing.
Aspect of Sky - MC was a silly teen, yet prose was a joy to read - work on characterisation and narration.
Waiting Room - Work on blending scenes. and edit to allow most important things to flourish
For a Fleeting Moment - Good clear prose - work on transitions between scenes.
Between the Raindrops - Great start, good action scene exposition, but middle to end section dragged [try greater variation? Too terse at times.
The Ship - Prose was wonderful, yet made the story difficult to follow. Work on exposition.
The tales of Elias Ward - Needs words. Recommend... adding conflict, drama, prose. Well.. a beginning, a middle and an end.
John Dunbar
correct about everything
1. Ainaurdur
2. Ashes
3. Cyan
HM: Tangent
2. Ashes
3. Cyan
HM: Tangent
British Monsoon
Member
1. Cyan
2. Ainaurdur
3. Tangent
HM; Ashes, John Dunbar
2. Ainaurdur
3. Tangent
HM; Ashes, John Dunbar
The Results:
1st Place: Ashes - "Ducks & Rabbits"
2nd Place: Ainaurdur - "Reassurance"
3rd Place: Cyan - "Between the Raindrops"
Vote Count:
Ashes - 12 (1)
Ainaurdur - 11 (3)
Cyan - 10 (3)
Tangent - 8 (1)
Bootaaay - 5 (1)
ZeroRay - 3
Valerie Cherish - 3
John Dunbar - 2
Grats, Ashes! That's two in a row since your triumphant return. You've got plenty of time to think up the next topic!
1st Place: Ashes - "Ducks & Rabbits"
2nd Place: Ainaurdur - "Reassurance"
3rd Place: Cyan - "Between the Raindrops"
Vote Count:
Ashes - 12 (1)
Ainaurdur - 11 (3)
Cyan - 10 (3)
Tangent - 8 (1)
Bootaaay - 5 (1)
ZeroRay - 3
Valerie Cherish - 3
John Dunbar - 2
Grats, Ashes! That's two in a row since your triumphant return.
You've got plenty of time to think up the next topic!Nah, I don't need that much time. I've already got something planned.
Thanks for reading folks. Next thread is already up. Here you go...
I'd intended to get this posted sooner, but caring for a new kitten I got yesterday, sleep and work, all got in the way.
Comments:
Like the hat? - Note to Self
I think you did a good job portraying a guy in this sort of situation. I have known a couple teens who have gone through similar circumstances, your story made me sad for them again.
Valerie Cherish - Hello
I loved all of the details. I could see the entire scene perfectly. And felt the chill of the air along with the suspense at the end.
Ashes - Ducks & Rabbits
I liked the sense that this was a grand country house, half expected a servant to pop up at some point. Enjoyed the interactions of the children and then the distance of the parents being absorbed in their own interests adding to the rifts in the family. The end made me think of Jemima almost as a Terminator, I laughed, still not certain what the actual intent there was. I wonder if I am missing something in the nicknames. I recall Peter Rabbit's story well enough, but not Jemima Puddle Duck's.
John Dunbar - Aspect of Sky
Beautiful word pictures. I am at a loss otherwise, wasn't sure exactly what to follow. Though it has caused me to sit and think, and then think some more.
ZeroRay - Waiting Room
Events in life plus the way in which we choose to handle them, leading to results. We do not always act logically in response to what occurs, and grief can really mess us up. I like how you showed these things.
Tangent - For a Fleeting Moment
I might have loved it. Details, differing points of view. I cheered for the rainbow trout, simpleton though he may be. I'd follow his further adventures.
Cyan - Between the Raindrops
Good action. Clear and succinct. It was nice to see that he was good at his Art, but not yet a master of it.
Bootaaay - The Ship
Yet another great piece with rich details. On my first scan of it (before I actually read it) I thought the ship itself might be the MC. Silly me. I liked the arrogance of the captain, ignoring the wisdom from the old men, leading to his death.
SquiddyBiscuit - The Tales of Elias Ward
...
Comments:
Like the hat? - Note to Self
I think you did a good job portraying a guy in this sort of situation. I have known a couple teens who have gone through similar circumstances, your story made me sad for them again.
Valerie Cherish - Hello
I loved all of the details. I could see the entire scene perfectly. And felt the chill of the air along with the suspense at the end.
Ashes - Ducks & Rabbits
I liked the sense that this was a grand country house, half expected a servant to pop up at some point. Enjoyed the interactions of the children and then the distance of the parents being absorbed in their own interests adding to the rifts in the family. The end made me think of Jemima almost as a Terminator, I laughed, still not certain what the actual intent there was. I wonder if I am missing something in the nicknames. I recall Peter Rabbit's story well enough, but not Jemima Puddle Duck's.
John Dunbar - Aspect of Sky
Beautiful word pictures. I am at a loss otherwise, wasn't sure exactly what to follow. Though it has caused me to sit and think, and then think some more.
ZeroRay - Waiting Room
Events in life plus the way in which we choose to handle them, leading to results. We do not always act logically in response to what occurs, and grief can really mess us up. I like how you showed these things.
Tangent - For a Fleeting Moment
I might have loved it. Details, differing points of view. I cheered for the rainbow trout, simpleton though he may be. I'd follow his further adventures.
Cyan - Between the Raindrops
Good action. Clear and succinct. It was nice to see that he was good at his Art, but not yet a master of it.
Bootaaay - The Ship
Yet another great piece with rich details. On my first scan of it (before I actually read it) I thought the ship itself might be the MC. Silly me. I liked the arrogance of the captain, ignoring the wisdom from the old men, leading to his death.
SquiddyBiscuit - The Tales of Elias Ward
...
I admit I may have overused the "survive" line. And I see how you got confused, the first time was kind of hopeful, the others were more concrete. I had in my head that the MC was thinking back on those events in the telling.
I did intentionally leave out a small detail, which would have made the chaos more clear, but wanted to leave it up to the reader. If I wrote a longer story it probably would have been clearly explained later. And I really had not thought much about the further implications of the brothers' roles, it just sort of flowed as I wrote.
I always struggle with what is the proper amount of detail, since it seems so many people do not like getting buried in them. Though if you mean the parts I chose not to explain, do you want me to give away the answer?
I would love to hear a full version of what you mean but I understand if you don't have time.
I always struggle with what is the proper amount of detail, since it seems so many people do not like getting buried in them. Though if you mean the parts I chose not to explain, do you want me to give away the answer?
I was commenting more as a reader than a writer there, so yes, it was the parts you chose not to explain. And no, I think you were probably correct to do so.
I like that idea. It's nice to have some mystery that the reader can fill in. And, room for further character development if you ever want to bang out a full novel!
SquiddyCracker
Banned
Congratulations!
I'm totally going to turn The tales of Elias Ward into an actual short story or novel at some point
I'm totally going to turn The tales of Elias Ward into an actual short story or novel at some point
Like the hat?
Banned
Just wanted to say thanks to people for the comments, really appreciate it. It was kind of a stream of consciousness thing, (slightly more than) semi autobiographical. I'll definitely edit into a more cohesive package next time.
Valerie Cherish
Member
Just wanted to say thanks for the notes!
Is the next challenge after NaNoWriMo?
Is the next challenge after NaNoWriMo?
Yes.
You can enter or read the poetry thread, which should continue through November:
NeoGAF's Poetry Corner - #58: In the Distance
HP_Wuvcraft
Banned
I honestly need to remember to come back and vote. Normally, I'm just so frazzled. This is like the third time.
November is over for another year:
Go to the new thread now!
http://www.neogaf.com/forum/showthread.php?t=502572
Go to the new thread now!
http://www.neogaf.com/forum/showthread.php?t=502572
- Status