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NeoGAF Creative Writing Challenge #183 - "Last Call"
- Thread starter Cyan
- Start date
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I'm good with a high word limit but can't promise feedback if we get so many submissions. I have a family to feed.
It would take a coordinated attack to actually beat you.
Is there anyone who would want to hurt you?
I wrote over double the high word count without even meaning to! Does that make me your nemesis?
Grace period is over for over two hours now.
I'm not really sure what you mean. Could you clarify?
Oh right, I misremembered it as 12.
Let's just get to it, then.
Potentially immathematical vote tabulation:
1. Mike M: 19 points
2. Crunched: 11 points
3. Cyan/Tangent: 7 points.
Potentially immathematical vote tabulation:
1. Mike M: 19 points
2. Crunched: 11 points
3. Cyan/Tangent: 7 points.
I get that narrators come in and out of people's heads. But you are like a friend in cinema telling me every little thing. Stuff I don't even need to hear.
And on and on and on. Really does my head in. Also, take my criticism with a pinch of salt. I don't know what I am talking about most of the time.
What reason is that?
I generally only add those descriptive details when they seem like important clarification, but thanks, I'll keep it in mind.
You add them? As an important clarification?
Okay, I suggest you go through your piece and delete all that important clarification. And see how the story fairs without its training wheels as it were.
It'd be a good exercise because any half decent writer worth a damn should know the difference between an important clarification and just bad habits. Common bad habits. That lots of writers edit out in a second draft.
Ashes is right. It's good to have the effect in your head but don't be so direct in telling a reader what to feel. Remember "show, don't tell."
http://www.wright.edu/~david.wilson/eng3830/creativewriting101.pdf
Those words belong in a first draft as indicators where you can return and fill in behaviors. Think of them as the lines in a coloring book.
Have faith in your own ability to evoke emotion without plugging those emotions into the text.
Pretty much.
Some authors literally put those stuff in brackets as reminders of plot points to fill in later.
This is easily fixed and should not detract from the fact that you [felon] have a good imagination and I can see that you can weave a story well too. Which is all very good stuff.
Point taken from both of you, Ashes and Crunched. I put 'show, don't tell' at the top of my new workshopping document and you can mark my words that I'll keep that and avoiding unnecessary descriptors in mind for my next submission. I didn't mean to sound like I was endorsing a bad habit, by the way. I don't even have any habits, since mole men was the first attempt I've made at story writing, I just didn't understand why you felt so strongly about it, but I think I get it now.
Oh it's nothing personal. There's a reason why I don't provide critiques any more. But also today isn't such a great day for reasons entirely unrelated to you or this thread.
The best thing I learnt about criticism is to refer to what cyan posted earlier in the thread. Real good advice.
With the caveat that you can probably ask for clarification sometimes. Especially with critiques from the likes of me.
I think it was pretty darn good for a first attempt.
Oh also congrats on the win, Mike. 
I'm a total sucker for that kind of story structure, and the epiphany he has at the end was just glorious.
Ditto! Keep at it, dude.
I'm a total sucker for that kind of story structure, and the epiphany he has at the end was just glorious.Ditto! Keep at it, dude.
...damn Ashes, that was brutal. I'd probably cry in a corner and move to the Himalayas if you critiqued my story.
As for the higher word count, I'd be down for writing a longer story. However, having to read all the stories would make it a challenge. The lower word count is a necessary limitation.
As for the higher word count, I'd be down for writing a longer story. However, having to read all the stories would make it a challenge. The lower word count is a necessary limitation.
Adverbs are okay sometimes. But don't rely on them to carry your action. Try to find the most concise verb.
The best part is that these rules can all be broken in dialogue.
"That was really--realy--really good."
"Eh, it was okay. And what the hell. Mark Twain would slap you for that sentence."
"It was damn damn damn good. Is that better?"
Generic character #2 rolled her eyes; her pupils sank to the west like the setting sun.
"Hey--are you okay? Really. Seriously. Are you alright? Somebody call a doctor!"
"What the hell. This narrator sucks! I'm out."
"That was really--realy--really good."
"Eh, it was okay. And what the hell. Mark Twain would slap you for that sentence."
"It was damn damn damn good. Is that better?"
Generic character #2 rolled her eyes; her pupils sank to the west like the setting sun.
"Hey--are you okay? Really. Seriously. Are you alright? Somebody call a doctor!"
"What the hell. This narrator sucks! I'm out."
I personally hate metaphors, but I guess other people like them. I've never read anything other than what I needed to in school, which is like 3 books.
As an ideas person, I want to get my story out there. So this is the first time I am taking it seriously.
My background consists of writing and doodling in hospital as a kid, mostly out of school.
So these threads are like, gold. I mostly write everything in about an hour start to finish. Proofing my work is something I, honest to god, have never done. But I used to be a B student without trying.
I'm 23, I hope it isn't too late to actually "learn".
Very slowly, getting my book(s) off the ground that I fantasise about so much.
As an ideas person, I want to get my story out there. So this is the first time I am taking it seriously.
My background consists of writing and doodling in hospital as a kid, mostly out of school.
So these threads are like, gold. I mostly write everything in about an hour start to finish. Proofing my work is something I, honest to god, have never done. But I used to be a B student without trying.
I'm 23, I hope it isn't too late to actually "learn".
Very slowly, getting my book(s) off the ground that I fantasise about so much.
Congratulations Mike M, fab story.
Very late comments (apologies if they're a bit blunt):
Chunky - Call
The punctuation and tenses need fixing. I like a lot of the metaphors/ similes/ description.. I thought it didn't need to come across as so mysterious, that the sense of overhearing a conversation was good, but it could perhaps have done with more clues. But very nicely observed and realistic.
Izunadono - Last Call
Some amusing bits. The sandwich and defrosting burger thing really pulled me out of it, it was quite peculiar how much of the story this took up. The part I should ask his name - ah yes I forgot this hurts their feelings I didn't think made much sense, as the assassin knows his name, and is presumably asking in order to get a reaction, so she couldn't have forgotten. The part oh wait im still muted adds unnecessary slapstick. I thought the first half or so was really good, but it became unclear in places and rather lost clarity towards the end. But it was pretty entertaining.
MilkBeard - A Lapse of Judgement
I got that this was based on mythology and that the girl was innocent and became a constellation, but I didn't know the details and your write up was really interesting. Having said that, although the story was interesting, I didn't get along with the language or tone of this at all. It was very baroque, and I thought some of your word choices and phrasing were obfuscating rather than clarifying (ahem.) I thought the story had a good sense of the otherworldly about it though.
Mike M - Calling Upon the Master
I thought that uniting the six theories of magic was kind of like trying to fit quantum mechanics with general relativity. Immediately, this was just sheer fun. There were some fab lines, such as Their contents ranged from merely taboo to the unspeakably profane Taunting your former master seems a gross misapplication for a discovery of such magnitude. I am dead, Maliant. I am well past caring about such things. And I loved the scene with: The blood-soaked soil churned, disgorging an upwelling of worms, maggots, and sundry other agents of decay. Just such enjoyable writing, which is why I'm just quoting it and not actually doing any critiquing.
Felon - Mole-Men Season Six
I thought this suffered for being only part of a story; a lot of the set-up seemed extraneous but perhaps wasn't. It had some nice bits, eg. how hes talking about her as an object in front of her, after talking *to* her, good contrast. When hes explaining to her about social androids, its more like hes explaining to the reader, it's a bit info dumpish, which pulled me out a bit. Also, I got rather distracted wondering why the guy wasn't more worried he had a malfunctioning android and why he didn't disable her immediately. Lines such as you should just do what you want until we head back. showed a weird - I imagine deliberate - disconnect again between treating the android as an object and as a person.
Crunched - Smoke
Yup, this was really good. I felt for the main character. The description of the bar is really great, the economy of it. However, I know just about all the other comments have said how great all the details were, but I thought you overdid it slightly. I could have done with fewer details and a bit more story. Things like the cucumber smoothie and the ergonomic waterbottle just drew attention to themselves (I guess you're going for telling character details or whatever it's called?, but I thought it was a little too pointed). Also, the timing of Gregorys text seemed a little too neat. Something I liked was the line "force them out before the end of it as it's just small easily missed lines like this that focus or reveal things.
Ward - They Yearn for the Cup
Fascinating snippet. Id love to see it developed. The interchange of ascension, death, and immortal' is a bit inconsistent (also why would they not see the connection between success in war and more stringent rules for ascension) or that you can kill yourself and still leave an attractive body. But I enjoyed this very much.
Tangent - Vigilantism Contract Work
Huh! I liked the fearies!! I thought it was deliberate and great. Anyway. This was just really good storytelling. I wasn't sure how the spiralling bees could be fixed by Itsy, though it didn't really matter. Poor Itsy, smoothing down her spider hair. The writing was a little scruffy, but it was a very nice story and I really liked the ending.
Sober - Over the Top
This was really good. I found the word 'bluebloods' a bit odd, though maybe that's a word used in 1915. I thought the class thing was maybe a bit blunt. I really had to mentally visualise the ending 'going over the top' voice-over part as an actual film before I properly understood the structure, though that's not a criticism. The camaraderie and the setting were really well done.
Flowers - Untitled
Yeah, this was good. It had some very nice imagery. It got a bit confusing with the I part. I guess its memories merging into one another, but its confusing even so. Also I wondered about the story of the one android with a female name rather than a non-gender name (did she pick a new name? did she choose a female name... ) It seemed a bit cliche (though I did find this section confusing and might have missed something) I suppose what I made from this is that I didnt want all the killing? But once they were free the robots couldnt help it.
Cyan - Three Versions of the End of the World
I liked it a lot. The way it came together in the third section was great.
Nezumi - Night of Song
This was very nice. I did wonder why they were dying out. No reason was given that I saw. It was really sad. I just loved the way it was written, just great storytelling.
Ashes - Form and Substance
It was very interesting, and moving. The jumping about in time worked, I thought. I suppose it was about Hasina taking control, and that some things are just right to you, even if they defy logic and make no sense to anyone else. That some things are real even if they have no substance? I don't know, but in any case your stuff makes me think, and/or challenge my prejudices (lines like this: I hope God allows you to perform hajj too. just annoy me and make me work through it lol). I didn't see Hasina as a victim, or read this as misery porn either, I actually read it as quite positive (maybe it wasn't meant to be).
Very late comments (apologies if they're a bit blunt):
Chunky - Call
The punctuation and tenses need fixing. I like a lot of the metaphors/ similes/ description.. I thought it didn't need to come across as so mysterious, that the sense of overhearing a conversation was good, but it could perhaps have done with more clues. But very nicely observed and realistic.
Izunadono - Last Call
Some amusing bits. The sandwich and defrosting burger thing really pulled me out of it, it was quite peculiar how much of the story this took up. The part I should ask his name - ah yes I forgot this hurts their feelings I didn't think made much sense, as the assassin knows his name, and is presumably asking in order to get a reaction, so she couldn't have forgotten. The part oh wait im still muted adds unnecessary slapstick. I thought the first half or so was really good, but it became unclear in places and rather lost clarity towards the end. But it was pretty entertaining.
MilkBeard - A Lapse of Judgement
I got that this was based on mythology and that the girl was innocent and became a constellation, but I didn't know the details and your write up was really interesting. Having said that, although the story was interesting, I didn't get along with the language or tone of this at all. It was very baroque, and I thought some of your word choices and phrasing were obfuscating rather than clarifying (ahem.) I thought the story had a good sense of the otherworldly about it though.
Mike M - Calling Upon the Master
I thought that uniting the six theories of magic was kind of like trying to fit quantum mechanics with general relativity. Immediately, this was just sheer fun. There were some fab lines, such as Their contents ranged from merely taboo to the unspeakably profane Taunting your former master seems a gross misapplication for a discovery of such magnitude. I am dead, Maliant. I am well past caring about such things. And I loved the scene with: The blood-soaked soil churned, disgorging an upwelling of worms, maggots, and sundry other agents of decay. Just such enjoyable writing, which is why I'm just quoting it and not actually doing any critiquing.
Felon - Mole-Men Season Six
I thought this suffered for being only part of a story; a lot of the set-up seemed extraneous but perhaps wasn't. It had some nice bits, eg. how hes talking about her as an object in front of her, after talking *to* her, good contrast. When hes explaining to her about social androids, its more like hes explaining to the reader, it's a bit info dumpish, which pulled me out a bit. Also, I got rather distracted wondering why the guy wasn't more worried he had a malfunctioning android and why he didn't disable her immediately. Lines such as you should just do what you want until we head back. showed a weird - I imagine deliberate - disconnect again between treating the android as an object and as a person.
Crunched - Smoke
Yup, this was really good. I felt for the main character. The description of the bar is really great, the economy of it. However, I know just about all the other comments have said how great all the details were, but I thought you overdid it slightly. I could have done with fewer details and a bit more story. Things like the cucumber smoothie and the ergonomic waterbottle just drew attention to themselves (I guess you're going for telling character details or whatever it's called?, but I thought it was a little too pointed). Also, the timing of Gregorys text seemed a little too neat. Something I liked was the line "force them out before the end of it as it's just small easily missed lines like this that focus or reveal things.
Ward - They Yearn for the Cup
Fascinating snippet. Id love to see it developed. The interchange of ascension, death, and immortal' is a bit inconsistent (also why would they not see the connection between success in war and more stringent rules for ascension) or that you can kill yourself and still leave an attractive body. But I enjoyed this very much.
Tangent - Vigilantism Contract Work
Huh! I liked the fearies!! I thought it was deliberate and great. Anyway. This was just really good storytelling. I wasn't sure how the spiralling bees could be fixed by Itsy, though it didn't really matter. Poor Itsy, smoothing down her spider hair. The writing was a little scruffy, but it was a very nice story and I really liked the ending.
Sober - Over the Top
This was really good. I found the word 'bluebloods' a bit odd, though maybe that's a word used in 1915. I thought the class thing was maybe a bit blunt. I really had to mentally visualise the ending 'going over the top' voice-over part as an actual film before I properly understood the structure, though that's not a criticism. The camaraderie and the setting were really well done.
Flowers - Untitled
Yeah, this was good. It had some very nice imagery. It got a bit confusing with the I part. I guess its memories merging into one another, but its confusing even so. Also I wondered about the story of the one android with a female name rather than a non-gender name (did she pick a new name? did she choose a female name... ) It seemed a bit cliche (though I did find this section confusing and might have missed something) I suppose what I made from this is that I didnt want all the killing? But once they were free the robots couldnt help it.
Cyan - Three Versions of the End of the World
I liked it a lot. The way it came together in the third section was great.
Nezumi - Night of Song
This was very nice. I did wonder why they were dying out. No reason was given that I saw. It was really sad. I just loved the way it was written, just great storytelling.
Ashes - Form and Substance
It was very interesting, and moving. The jumping about in time worked, I thought. I suppose it was about Hasina taking control, and that some things are just right to you, even if they defy logic and make no sense to anyone else. That some things are real even if they have no substance? I don't know, but in any case your stuff makes me think, and/or challenge my prejudices (lines like this: I hope God allows you to perform hajj too. just annoy me and make me work through it lol). I didn't see Hasina as a victim, or read this as misery porn either, I actually read it as quite positive (maybe it wasn't meant to be).
Erm... Dude. Go read a few books. Not to just learn; books are awesome. There absolutely is something for everyone.
Here's the thing. I honestly don't know. You hope for things when writing, but once it leaves your hands, the reader can do with your work as they like.
Form and Substance is an accounting principle, generally speaking. But I borrowed it to mean something... well, something similar to how it is used in psychology:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/insight/201407/two-kinds-people-in-the-world
I found my self this week saying, Here Gaf, let me introduce you to Hasina. And if life is about reacting, this is how she and the people around her are reacting to this tumultuous 180.
Was I cruel to her? Sure. On a deeper level I was attempting to critique literature, which I won't get to here, and shouldn't really affect your understanding of the story. Your interpretation of the ending is closer to mine than others have been, but is it more correct or less wrong? I dunno.
Nice.
Personally, I've stopped buying books I don't read... finally! The thing about buying books., digitally, at least, that nobody talks about, is that the guilt is reduced. You know... I don't get to see all those books I've bought and will never actually get to read. :/
Thanks for this. I love when that kind of thing is explored in art (it's rather too reductive for use irl though).
If you were being cruel, well, I don't see the puppet strings. The people in your stories are usually completely real, and you as an author are just highlighting aspects of their lives in order to say/ show something.
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