You know you wanted this post. Life just wouldn't be complete without it. When a game allows you to host a teaparty with dead naked people as your guests, this post is almost demanded. (I'm still working on the teaparty. I'm having a little trouble getting these bodies to conform to my will. I think I might try doing it with the lizard people. That way, I can stick their tail in between the back and seat of the chair and anchor them in pl - okay, time to stop thinking about it.)
My character is pretty stealth-focused, with skills in Sneak, Security, Light Armour, Blade, and a couple other ones I forget. My goal in this game is to join the Thieves Guild and the Dark Brotherhood. I've known for quite some time that I need to kill an innocent to get into the latter, but so far I haven't found anyone worthy enough (until today!). There's a few snotty NPCs I considered slaughtering in their sleep, but I knew I wouldn't get much satisfaction in that. So I went on a journey. If I was to become a murderer, I wanted my act to mean something. I wanted it to be symbolic. It became apparent to me that Oblivion suffers from a terrible lack of attractive female NPCs. So I promised myself that the moment I met one, she would be my mark, my tribute to the Dark Brotherhood.
I found her in Burma. For many days I watched her. Each morning I would enter the inn, take a seat, and enjoy some breakfast. Whenever I felt brave enough, I would look away from my companion and take a peek at her. She was quite social, my Lyra. Like a little butterfly, hovering from table to table and exchanging the latest news. For instance, did you know that the Fighters Guild was recruiting? I didn't, until I met Lyra.
I only spoke to her once, the last day of her life. She didn't seem to like me very much. I gave her a lot of money, and then she liked me more. Her smile made me happy - but was she only smiling because I had lined her pockets with gold? If so, she was a prostitute. My heart was broken. I made a decision that the **** would die that very night.
I stepped outside into the cold, frosty air and loitered around for a few hours. When nightfall finally came, I stole away to the stables and quickly retrieved my horse. If something went wrong, I would need a quick exit. I tied Glueboy to a tree just outside the city walls and went back inside. Lyra was still at work and her door was locked. I considered breaking in and waiting in a closet, but something told me that was the wrong way to go about things.
Late in the evening, my darling Lyra finally left the inn and went home. I followed. I waited for an hour or two, not wanting to catch her undressing or within earshot of my breakin. The undressing would come later.
Five lockpicks later, I was inside. Her house was immaculate, just like her. I crept around the first floor and took a flowerpot. I decided I would put it on her grave. I listened to the ringing from the church down the road. It was midnight. In the gloom of her house, I sat down and ate her leftovers. After I was done, I snuck upstairs and found her sleeping on the grandest bed I had seen to that point.
She was beautiful. I stripped off my clothing and sat down across from her, mesmerized by the delicate movement of her bosom as she breathed her last breaths. After a little while I began to lose track of time. Before long, she began to stir. Realzing this was my chance, I removed my dagger and struck her with it. How she fought! She staggered to the bottom of the stairs and ran toward the front door. I couldn't have that! I drained her stamina with my Greater Power and she fell to the ground. Moments later she was dead.
Beside myself with passion, I began to undress her, exposing long, regal limbs. After making love to her, I thought she felt a little cold. Trying to warm her up, I dragged her body to the fireplace.
And then I ate her.
(Disclaimer: I did not write this. The original is from the RPGCodex)