Sho_Nuff82
Member
Hey GAF,
I usually tend to keep my relationship issues fairly private, even on the internet, but I guess I need to vent a little. I feel like my relationship of 4 1/2 years has run its course. We both met about 6 or 7 years ago through a mutual friend (who was in my grad program, and my former roommate), and got together at the mutual friend's graduation party. Relationship got physical fast, and we were bf and gf after about 6 weeks. After a year, we moved in together (her idea) into a one bedroom here in downtown Boston. Last year, we moved again because the rent was too high.
We've both been to each other's families homes for holidays and reunions, been to weddings together, gone on vacation together, helped each other through sickness, loss, and financial hardship, and have accumulated a lifetime of memories. We're invited to go to our mutual friend's wedding this summer in ATL, and we're tentatively planning a trip to Europe. She also wants to get engaged, buy a condo, get a puppy, and start pumping out kids before she turns 35.
So why do I want to end this? To be honest, I don't think either of us are happy. Her commute increased by over an hour per day when she moved into the city, and its affected her work and her disposition. She wants to move into the suburbs, which would be a nightmare for me (I work in the city and all of my friends/hobbies are here as well). She often comes home complaining about her kids (she's a HS teacher), her workload, and her admins. In short, she hates her job, but it's the only job she's ever had in her 10 years out of school. She's constantly stressed about money and whether she'll be fired. She also hates our current apartment (which she chose). She thinks I'm a slob (to be fair, I can be from time to time). She doesn't really like a lot of my friends (when I was in grad school she thought all my classmates hated her, now that I'm in the 'real world' she thinks my normal friends get 'too crazy' when we go out once or twice a month so she prefers to stay home). She's constantly complaining about my work hours (I work in research), my preferred gym time (late afternoon), my second job when I had it (I was a bouncer for about 18 months). She hates gaming, either PC or console. She doesn't eat meat, which means when we cook dinner together it is pasta, pizza, or fish which gets boring after a while. She also refuses to try skiing, hates fireworks, hates roller coasters, is allergic to cats (which I love), and we have completely opposite tastes in music (she likes classical and country), so we rarely go to concerts together. I often find that I have to drag her, kicking and pouting, into social situations, which she will then grudgingly admit to later as having been a good time. She wants to raise kids Catholic, I find the Church abhorrent (I consider myself miscellaneous Christian).
I think she's more in love with the idea of being together, than she is in love with me.
And then there's the sex...well, there was sex at some point. We've had sex, maybe, 12 times in the past 18 months. That includes our trip to Puerto Rico. We had sex once in the past 3 months, a time that included my birthday (nothing), New Years (nothing), and Christmas (nothing). Some may have noticed me mention in the topic last week, she doesn't give bjs. She thinks doggy style is degrading. She tries using sex as a weapon in jest "if you say/do this you're sleeping on the couch tonight!", but it's lost all meaning. You can't threaten a starving man by withholding dinner.
I think she thinks she's being clever, that withholding sex will get me to propose to her faster (she's been adamant about getting married since our second year together), but if anything, it makes me more appalled by the idea with each passing day. What if this is as good as it gets? I don't think adding the weight of commitment will suddenly make us happy. I know she'll never break up with me unless I openly cheated on her (which I have declined to do, more out of obligation than out of not wanting to at this point). And I know that if I break up with her, she'll be devastated, which is really hard to swallow.
Mostly, I feel terrible about letting everyone down. My Mom, who wants grandkids. My older brother, who thinks I'm the happiest I've ever been in this relationship. Her sisters and her parents and her extended family, who've accepted me and expect me to pop the question any day now. My coworkers, whom I've made an effort to convince that we're really, really happy together. And she will hate me. Probably forever. For wasting her years, for dashing her dreams, for embarrassing her in front of her friends/family, for making promises I could never keep.
And then there's the logistical issues. How do you break up with someone when you have a lease together? This happened to another friend of mine a few years ago (her bf walked in their apartment one day, said he was unhappy, offered to sleep in another bedroom, she told him to GTFO, he was paying two rents until he moved all of his stuff out), but neither of us can afford to rent this place on our own. I was actually having similar feelings around this time last year, which is one of the reasons I supported the idea of not renewing our last lease, but I couldn't find the "right time" or the "right reason" to sit her down and break up with her. Now we're a year later and it has only become harder.
Valentine's day is this week, which poses its own set of problems. At first she said she didn't want to do anything (oh yeah, she hates certain holidays, including V-Day, Independence Day, New Years, and Halloween), but now she's retracted that and wants to do something. If I break up with her on V Day week I'm a terrible person, if I wait until after another hugs and kisses and cards and candy weekend, I'm a worse person, aren't I?
My mother and my godmother both made me have "the talk" this past Thanksgiving when I went home (my gf didn't come with me this year, as 'punishment' for me not proposing). I told them I was still unsure about getting married. I didn't go into nearly as much detail has I have in this post, obviously. My Mom thought it was just jitters. My godmother flat out said I should break up with her.
So what do you guys think? Have I been deluding myself into thinking that the relationship was magically going to get better? Is this how normal people feel and act in relationships after this long? Should I just shut up and eat my damn lemons? Or have I been way too complacent, letting this drag on way past its expiration date for fear of change?
I usually tend to keep my relationship issues fairly private, even on the internet, but I guess I need to vent a little. I feel like my relationship of 4 1/2 years has run its course. We both met about 6 or 7 years ago through a mutual friend (who was in my grad program, and my former roommate), and got together at the mutual friend's graduation party. Relationship got physical fast, and we were bf and gf after about 6 weeks. After a year, we moved in together (her idea) into a one bedroom here in downtown Boston. Last year, we moved again because the rent was too high.
We've both been to each other's families homes for holidays and reunions, been to weddings together, gone on vacation together, helped each other through sickness, loss, and financial hardship, and have accumulated a lifetime of memories. We're invited to go to our mutual friend's wedding this summer in ATL, and we're tentatively planning a trip to Europe. She also wants to get engaged, buy a condo, get a puppy, and start pumping out kids before she turns 35.
So why do I want to end this? To be honest, I don't think either of us are happy. Her commute increased by over an hour per day when she moved into the city, and its affected her work and her disposition. She wants to move into the suburbs, which would be a nightmare for me (I work in the city and all of my friends/hobbies are here as well). She often comes home complaining about her kids (she's a HS teacher), her workload, and her admins. In short, she hates her job, but it's the only job she's ever had in her 10 years out of school. She's constantly stressed about money and whether she'll be fired. She also hates our current apartment (which she chose). She thinks I'm a slob (to be fair, I can be from time to time). She doesn't really like a lot of my friends (when I was in grad school she thought all my classmates hated her, now that I'm in the 'real world' she thinks my normal friends get 'too crazy' when we go out once or twice a month so she prefers to stay home). She's constantly complaining about my work hours (I work in research), my preferred gym time (late afternoon), my second job when I had it (I was a bouncer for about 18 months). She hates gaming, either PC or console. She doesn't eat meat, which means when we cook dinner together it is pasta, pizza, or fish which gets boring after a while. She also refuses to try skiing, hates fireworks, hates roller coasters, is allergic to cats (which I love), and we have completely opposite tastes in music (she likes classical and country), so we rarely go to concerts together. I often find that I have to drag her, kicking and pouting, into social situations, which she will then grudgingly admit to later as having been a good time. She wants to raise kids Catholic, I find the Church abhorrent (I consider myself miscellaneous Christian).
I think she's more in love with the idea of being together, than she is in love with me.
And then there's the sex...well, there was sex at some point. We've had sex, maybe, 12 times in the past 18 months. That includes our trip to Puerto Rico. We had sex once in the past 3 months, a time that included my birthday (nothing), New Years (nothing), and Christmas (nothing). Some may have noticed me mention in the topic last week, she doesn't give bjs. She thinks doggy style is degrading. She tries using sex as a weapon in jest "if you say/do this you're sleeping on the couch tonight!", but it's lost all meaning. You can't threaten a starving man by withholding dinner.
I think she thinks she's being clever, that withholding sex will get me to propose to her faster (she's been adamant about getting married since our second year together), but if anything, it makes me more appalled by the idea with each passing day. What if this is as good as it gets? I don't think adding the weight of commitment will suddenly make us happy. I know she'll never break up with me unless I openly cheated on her (which I have declined to do, more out of obligation than out of not wanting to at this point). And I know that if I break up with her, she'll be devastated, which is really hard to swallow.
Mostly, I feel terrible about letting everyone down. My Mom, who wants grandkids. My older brother, who thinks I'm the happiest I've ever been in this relationship. Her sisters and her parents and her extended family, who've accepted me and expect me to pop the question any day now. My coworkers, whom I've made an effort to convince that we're really, really happy together. And she will hate me. Probably forever. For wasting her years, for dashing her dreams, for embarrassing her in front of her friends/family, for making promises I could never keep.
And then there's the logistical issues. How do you break up with someone when you have a lease together? This happened to another friend of mine a few years ago (her bf walked in their apartment one day, said he was unhappy, offered to sleep in another bedroom, she told him to GTFO, he was paying two rents until he moved all of his stuff out), but neither of us can afford to rent this place on our own. I was actually having similar feelings around this time last year, which is one of the reasons I supported the idea of not renewing our last lease, but I couldn't find the "right time" or the "right reason" to sit her down and break up with her. Now we're a year later and it has only become harder.
Valentine's day is this week, which poses its own set of problems. At first she said she didn't want to do anything (oh yeah, she hates certain holidays, including V-Day, Independence Day, New Years, and Halloween), but now she's retracted that and wants to do something. If I break up with her on V Day week I'm a terrible person, if I wait until after another hugs and kisses and cards and candy weekend, I'm a worse person, aren't I?
My mother and my godmother both made me have "the talk" this past Thanksgiving when I went home (my gf didn't come with me this year, as 'punishment' for me not proposing). I told them I was still unsure about getting married. I didn't go into nearly as much detail has I have in this post, obviously. My Mom thought it was just jitters. My godmother flat out said I should break up with her.
So what do you guys think? Have I been deluding myself into thinking that the relationship was magically going to get better? Is this how normal people feel and act in relationships after this long? Should I just shut up and eat my damn lemons? Or have I been way too complacent, letting this drag on way past its expiration date for fear of change?
