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There is no "right way" to break up after a long-term relationship, is there?
- Thread starter Sho_Nuff82
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FloatingDivider
Member
I hate to be this guy, but if you're not getting sex on the regular pre marriage you won't get it post marriage and I don't want to be a dick about it but people need some form of regular intimate contact if they're in a non platonic relationship.
I feel like my relationship of 4 1/2 years has run its course.
Relationship got physical fast, and we were bf and gf after about 6 weeks.
After a year, we moved in together.
We've both been to each other's families homes for holidays and reunions, been to weddings together, gone on vacation together, helped each other through sickness, loss, and financial hardship, and have accumulated a lifetime of memories.
She wants to get engaged, buy a condo, get a puppy, start pumping out kids before 35.
I don't think either of us are happy. Her commute affected her work and her disposition. She wants to move into the suburbs.
I work in the city and all of my friends/hobbies are here as well). She often comes home complaining
In short, she hates her job
She's constantly stressed about money and whether she'll be fired.
She also hates our current apartment
She thinks I'm a slob
She doesn't really like a lot of my friends (she thinks my normal friends get 'too crazy' when we go out once or twice a month so she prefers to stay home).
She's constantly complaining about my lifestyle
She hates gaming
She doesn't eat meat, which means when we cook dinner together it is pasta, pizza, or fish which gets boring after a while.
She also refuses to try new things
I often find that I have to drag her, kicking and pouting, into social situations
She wants to raise kids Catholic, I find the Church abhorrent
I think she's more in love with the idea of being together, than she is in love with me.
We've had sex, maybe, 12 times in the past 18 months.
She doesn't give bjs. She thinks doggy style is degrading.
She tries using sex as a weapon
You can't threaten a man by withholding love.
What if this is as good as it gets?
I know she'll never break up with me unless I openly cheated on her (which I have declined to do, more out of obligation than out of not wanting to at this point).
Mostly, I feel terrible about letting everyone down.
My Mom thought jitters. My godmother flat out said I should break up with her.
Have I been deluding myself? have I been way too complacent, letting this drag on way past its expiration date for fear of change?
Before I write a long response (which is coming) I just want to highlight the standout points you have already made so far
Relationship got physical fast, and we were bf and gf after about 6 weeks.
After a year, we moved in together.
We've both been to each other's families homes for holidays and reunions, been to weddings together, gone on vacation together, helped each other through sickness, loss, and financial hardship, and have accumulated a lifetime of memories.
She wants to get engaged, buy a condo, get a puppy, start pumping out kids before 35.
I don't think either of us are happy. Her commute affected her work and her disposition. She wants to move into the suburbs.
I work in the city and all of my friends/hobbies are here as well). She often comes home complaining
In short, she hates her job
She's constantly stressed about money and whether she'll be fired.
She also hates our current apartment
She thinks I'm a slob
She doesn't really like a lot of my friends (she thinks my normal friends get 'too crazy' when we go out once or twice a month so she prefers to stay home).
She's constantly complaining about my lifestyle
She hates gaming
She doesn't eat meat, which means when we cook dinner together it is pasta, pizza, or fish which gets boring after a while.
She also refuses to try new things
I often find that I have to drag her, kicking and pouting, into social situations
She wants to raise kids Catholic, I find the Church abhorrent
I think she's more in love with the idea of being together, than she is in love with me.
We've had sex, maybe, 12 times in the past 18 months.
She doesn't give bjs. She thinks doggy style is degrading.
She tries using sex as a weapon
You can't threaten a man by withholding love.
What if this is as good as it gets?
I know she'll never break up with me unless I openly cheated on her (which I have declined to do, more out of obligation than out of not wanting to at this point).
Mostly, I feel terrible about letting everyone down.
My Mom thought jitters. My godmother flat out said I should break up with her.
Have I been deluding myself? have I been way too complacent, letting this drag on way past its expiration date for fear of change?
Before I write a long response (which is coming) I just want to highlight the standout points you have already made so far
What is your exact financial responsibility left on the apartment is the only thing left in my humble opinion. This relationship is already over and you know it. She might or might not. Just start the exit procedure now if its not going to put a stress on your finances.
Sho_Nuff82
Member
The apartment is about 2k a month in rent, which we split down the middle. Our lease ends August 31st. It's a one bedroom place, so "getting a roommate" would be tough for either of us.
The deadline for renewing your lease is usually between now and early in the spring, and most September move in apartments start being shown shortly after (college town).
akachan ningen
Member
Run like a rabbit
Arkos
Nose how to spell and rede to
There's a difference between not being watered-down and being a jerk. And sometimes it is most definitely constructive. The advice can be correct and the tone be wrong, ya dig? Thanks for the tips on what is accepted "around here" though
Vigilant Walrus
Member
OP,
It's true we've only heard your side of all this, but you said one thing that really caught my eyes. And not just because you bolded it, haha:
If only all of us could be this honest with ourselves. I think this is what so many of us face. In fact, just thinking about breaking up with someone can be exhausting and stressful, just because you need toe tell everyone.
From were I am standing it sounds like you have a lot of social value and things going on. If she really is manipulating you by withholding sex, it's a red flag. But to be honest, I think there are at least some red flags in every relationship.
Nothing you said really struck me as a deal breaker, outside of the little sex. Sex is not everything but I got the impression that your relationship has lost a spark, and maybe it is likely that you're guys are at the 7-year itch.
From my point of view, there is a good way to break up. It involves a lot of honesty and respect. It doesn't mean being a cookie cutter. You already know this, but no "it's not you, it's be".
You need to explain to her her all the things that you feel is missing, and you also think that she agrees with deep down.
For example. If you say, that you want more sex, she might get into a charade out of desperation of just giving you more sex so you won't leave.
So instead, you could perhaps phrase it like something like this: I don't think our sexlife has had that exciting spark for a long time.
Surely it's something she has to agree with. And surely this is the best way, because by initiating the problems in the relationship(and not her personal problems) you're opening up the vault for her also wanting to move on.
If she lacks confidence and fears being alone, she might very well lash out at you with anger initially no matter what you do. But trust me. Mate, nothing is more cruel than being with someone who you don't love. It's clear from your post that you thought a lot about this, and some of the things you seem to miss doing seems to be against her character.
You sound like a guy with a lot going for you, and you sound like a guy who needs an adventureous girl. She sounds like a girl who wants to settle down. And from my point of view, it seems like a bad idea to have kids now (to please her, and tie you down) or not (to please you, but let her biological clock run out).
These things don't have to be anyones faults. You've been together for a long time. You're not letting anyone down. Your relationship is not your brother or your parents problems. You still got many years to have kids if you want to, she doesn't. You have a conflict of interest.
Remember: you can do the right thing by taking the punches now. Tell her that you will always feel that your years together were some of the greatest, but that two people shouldn't be together because of comfort. You're both wasting each others time. Heartbreaking is tough. It's life a knife. I'm going through it right now. But you have to tell your girlfriend: being in an unhappy relationship is worse than death.
It's true we've only heard your side of all this, but you said one thing that really caught my eyes. And not just because you bolded it, haha:
If only all of us could be this honest with ourselves. I think this is what so many of us face. In fact, just thinking about breaking up with someone can be exhausting and stressful, just because you need toe tell everyone.
From were I am standing it sounds like you have a lot of social value and things going on. If she really is manipulating you by withholding sex, it's a red flag. But to be honest, I think there are at least some red flags in every relationship.
Nothing you said really struck me as a deal breaker, outside of the little sex. Sex is not everything but I got the impression that your relationship has lost a spark, and maybe it is likely that you're guys are at the 7-year itch.
From my point of view, there is a good way to break up. It involves a lot of honesty and respect. It doesn't mean being a cookie cutter. You already know this, but no "it's not you, it's be".
You need to explain to her her all the things that you feel is missing, and you also think that she agrees with deep down.
For example. If you say, that you want more sex, she might get into a charade out of desperation of just giving you more sex so you won't leave.
So instead, you could perhaps phrase it like something like this: I don't think our sexlife has had that exciting spark for a long time.
Surely it's something she has to agree with. And surely this is the best way, because by initiating the problems in the relationship(and not her personal problems) you're opening up the vault for her also wanting to move on.
If she lacks confidence and fears being alone, she might very well lash out at you with anger initially no matter what you do. But trust me. Mate, nothing is more cruel than being with someone who you don't love. It's clear from your post that you thought a lot about this, and some of the things you seem to miss doing seems to be against her character.
You sound like a guy with a lot going for you, and you sound like a guy who needs an adventureous girl. She sounds like a girl who wants to settle down. And from my point of view, it seems like a bad idea to have kids now (to please her, and tie you down) or not (to please you, but let her biological clock run out).
These things don't have to be anyones faults. You've been together for a long time. You're not letting anyone down. Your relationship is not your brother or your parents problems. You still got many years to have kids if you want to, she doesn't. You have a conflict of interest.
Remember: you can do the right thing by taking the punches now. Tell her that you will always feel that your years together were some of the greatest, but that two people shouldn't be together because of comfort. You're both wasting each others time. Heartbreaking is tough. It's life a knife. I'm going through it right now. But you have to tell your girlfriend: being in an unhappy relationship is worse than death.
You know what to do OP, you know the score. Some of us have been in bitter situations before that were similar, when a woman wants things because she's more in love with the ideas or to feel sustained than how much she actually loves you, it's doomed.
It's best to get out when you can, prolonging won't help and sadly a solution is seldom possible.
Do wish you the best on this.
It's never easy.
It's best to get out when you can, prolonging won't help and sadly a solution is seldom possible.
Do wish you the best on this.
It's never easy.
Mammoth Jones
Member
The real question I have is:
Why aren't you telling this to the one person that matters?
She's not a mindreader. She needs to know exactly where you're coming from. It's not fair for her to think the relationship is going one way when you're going another.
Communication is key.
Why aren't you telling this to the one person that matters?
She's not a mindreader. She needs to know exactly where you're coming from. It's not fair for her to think the relationship is going one way when you're going another.
Communication is key.
OK,
Before I start, I just want to preface this by saying I have never been in your situation. I am most likely younger than you, and less wise, but I have been observant of people in relationships eerily similar to yours. Based on what you have said
It is in very bad shape, but you have to have grandest talk of talks before calling this off.
The way it starts off is noteworthy; you guys got physical very fast. Sometimes feelings and intentions can be confused when mixed with the feelings coming from some decent bangin sessions. You were committed pretty quickly (6 weeks!). I dont want to assume/judge anything, but Im not really sure how well you know someone in less than 2 months. Either way, it ended up working out well, well enough for you to want to introduce each other to respective families.
Work is pretty stressful, so I can see how that causes problems, but when she is complaining about her day, how do you respond? Do you listen to her? Do you try to give her answers to solve her problems? Do you get angry? But most of all, do you respond how YOU want to, or do you respond to make her feel better/satisfied? The next time she complains, just be honest and tell her that you do not want to hear her complain, and she needs to settle those issues at work and not bring them home. Id imagine shed be furious, but eventually she will realize you are right. Her complaining resolves nothing, and just compounds your problems.
The slob thing, you are accountable for Ill admit. But why are you a slob? Do you invite people over to your home even if it is a mess? Do you even get to have friends over? What is the point of a clean room if it is just you and her all the time? It is an issue, but it is pretty minor men arent known to be neat freaks usually, and it is nowhere close to being the cause of other relationship issues going on here.
Videogames. Most girls still have the antiquated mindset that a man playing videogames means he wont grow up or is immature. Has she ever tried to play with you? Does she understand that it just helps you mellow out after the daily rig-a-marole of life? Are you playing games and ignoring her/avoiding her/neglecting her offers to do something together? Or do you boot up a game, she comes home, and then pesters you about it?
The food. If you are keeping in shape, you should be able to eat whatever you want. You are two different entities with different bodies; you cannot eat the same as her, unless you enjoy it, but I dont think you do.
Some people are homebodies (introvert) so when it comes to not going out, I can see why she may not feel comfortable in social situations, but there has to be something you guys enjoy doing together
Religion I take the same stance you do; believer of God (#TeamJesus), but not a fan of often contradictory and hypocritical religious structure.
Now here we have to get into some gangsta shit.
Before I start, I just want to preface this by saying I have never been in your situation. I am most likely younger than you, and less wise, but I have been observant of people in relationships eerily similar to yours. Based on what you have said
It is in very bad shape, but you have to have grandest talk of talks before calling this off.
The way it starts off is noteworthy; you guys got physical very fast. Sometimes feelings and intentions can be confused when mixed with the feelings coming from some decent bangin sessions. You were committed pretty quickly (6 weeks!). I dont want to assume/judge anything, but Im not really sure how well you know someone in less than 2 months. Either way, it ended up working out well, well enough for you to want to introduce each other to respective families.
Work is pretty stressful, so I can see how that causes problems, but when she is complaining about her day, how do you respond? Do you listen to her? Do you try to give her answers to solve her problems? Do you get angry? But most of all, do you respond how YOU want to, or do you respond to make her feel better/satisfied? The next time she complains, just be honest and tell her that you do not want to hear her complain, and she needs to settle those issues at work and not bring them home. Id imagine shed be furious, but eventually she will realize you are right. Her complaining resolves nothing, and just compounds your problems.
The slob thing, you are accountable for Ill admit. But why are you a slob? Do you invite people over to your home even if it is a mess? Do you even get to have friends over? What is the point of a clean room if it is just you and her all the time? It is an issue, but it is pretty minor men arent known to be neat freaks usually, and it is nowhere close to being the cause of other relationship issues going on here.
Videogames. Most girls still have the antiquated mindset that a man playing videogames means he wont grow up or is immature. Has she ever tried to play with you? Does she understand that it just helps you mellow out after the daily rig-a-marole of life? Are you playing games and ignoring her/avoiding her/neglecting her offers to do something together? Or do you boot up a game, she comes home, and then pesters you about it?
The food. If you are keeping in shape, you should be able to eat whatever you want. You are two different entities with different bodies; you cannot eat the same as her, unless you enjoy it, but I dont think you do.
Some people are homebodies (introvert) so when it comes to not going out, I can see why she may not feel comfortable in social situations, but there has to be something you guys enjoy doing together
Religion I take the same stance you do; believer of God (#TeamJesus), but not a fan of often contradictory and hypocritical religious structure.
Now here we have to get into some gangsta shit.
Number one, despite all the things I just rattled off previously
is this intention issue. By that I mean, you question her intent of staying in this relationship. Does she like being together, or is she just comfortable saying she has a man? How does this relationship define her; does she have her own independent identity, or is she so wrapped up in crushing yours that her identity is fading? It is apparent she wants the IMAGE of a prototypical family
house on the hills, cute dog, 2.5 kids, diamond ring
but is she up for the work to build that foundation? The sacrifice to have a HOME instead of a house?
Number two, tied with number one in importance is the sexual incompatibility going on. I have read a few pdfs**** (which ill give you the names of when Im done dropping truthbombs), one of which addresses this heinous sex as a weapon issue. To paraphrase Michael Pilinski, here is the situation I imagine you want:
Grade A Sex Two Child-like Adults
The absolute best sex occurs between two child-like adults, plain and simple. By child-like, Im not talking about immature dysfunctional idiots who cant hold a job or who like to pass their days as full time drug addicts. People like this are actually crummy at sex because they lack the intellectual prowess to be creative. Im talking about men and women who can shed their grown up veneer along with their clothes and leave all the grim concerns of adult life locked outside the bedroom door each and every time they fuck. This is a tall order for a lot of people, especially those whove stocked up on responsibilities in every aspect of their life only to find theyve become joy disabled by all their self- imposed lifestyle burdens. Emotionally open-minded... not afraid to be different or engage in silly role play now and then... can cut loose and get stoned, share a hot bath and a bottle of wine, make homemade porno videos with you, etc. In terms measured by her lack of inhibition and willingness to experiment, sex is important! You might be thinking, who the hell doesnt think sex is important?. Look around you... a lot of people give other bullshit in their life far more priority than their sexual experience. Most have secretly embraced their anti-erotic life philosophy as a choice because some aspect of human sexuality distresses them. Too busy, too much other important shit going on, too tired, etc. All excuses. These individuals were frightened at some point in their past by some aspect of human sexuality, and their prudish attitude now serves as a means of managing the perceived danger that sex still holds for them. Its what psychologists call a coping strategy. If you enjoy something and its important to you, youll find a way to do it. Whereas if something scares you then youll develop strategies to avoid that. This is essentially what you are dealing with. Most of the time it has nothing to do with biology or hormones or any of that shit, its mental. M. Pilinski
BUT, I fear with the situation you are in right now, she takes all her problems into the bedroom.
This can snuff out the passion real fast when two people assume these dissimilar roles where one begins to feel responsible (almost like a parent) for the other one. Not in a healthy, concerned way, but in a way that is patronizing to the point of possibly being condescending. The more adventurous adult will chaff under the weight of the more serious, increasingly non-sexual partner and either cheat or do something else to finally destroy the relationship. A lot of married people find themselves locked in this sort of Mexican standoff. Some learn to accept this situation because it probably seems better than loneliness but I say that if youre not having regular, enjoyable sex with someone that youre living with then youre already alone. M. Pilinski
My man you were able to count how many times in the last 18 months you were able to get it in. It should be countless in that amount of time. Withholding sex like a weapon is HEINOUS. Some girls are slick and think that shit is cool. Oh just use your hand tonight Im tired. By saying that, her love, attention, and affection is equated to a quick masturbatory experience. A hug from your girl is not the same as a porn marathon on a Tuesday morning. She is comfortable but she shouldnt be. One thing we all have to realize is sometimes this love stuff is like the NFL. If you are not doing your job, believe me, I will FIND a new player that can, and with a faster 40 time! What one girl is not willing to do, another one will in spades, and in relationships we compare ourselves to the next guy a lot. How come Johnny gets bjs before breakfast but Im pulling teeth trying to get her to watch Wolf of Wall Street without getting offended? Its not your fault, we all compare to gauge happiness, but it breeds contempt.
Your mom wants to see you happy, but the godmother has been around long enough to know whats up. Mom doesnt want you to give up on a good thing, but she is your mother if chewing Play-Doh made you happy and was capable of creating Grand-Dohbabies she would let you do it. Your godmother is far enough away from you personally to provide that different vantage point.
I feel like eventually you want to sabotage it somehow so that you can at least break up over something major as opposed to disinterest. Because if it is disinterest, there is a chance in your new relationship, boredom will be inevitable, which IS NOT the case.
Im rooting for you to succeed man. I have not witnessed anything worse than when a man holds on to something that is not there, and a woman checks out mentally it takes a piece of your soul. But hash things out with your girl if you cannot imagine life without her.
Good luck.
****Shes Yours For The Taking Michael Pilinski , No More Mr. Nice Guy Robert Glover, Without Embarrasment Michael Pilinski,
Number two, tied with number one in importance is the sexual incompatibility going on. I have read a few pdfs**** (which ill give you the names of when Im done dropping truthbombs), one of which addresses this heinous sex as a weapon issue. To paraphrase Michael Pilinski, here is the situation I imagine you want:
Grade A Sex Two Child-like Adults
The absolute best sex occurs between two child-like adults, plain and simple. By child-like, Im not talking about immature dysfunctional idiots who cant hold a job or who like to pass their days as full time drug addicts. People like this are actually crummy at sex because they lack the intellectual prowess to be creative. Im talking about men and women who can shed their grown up veneer along with their clothes and leave all the grim concerns of adult life locked outside the bedroom door each and every time they fuck. This is a tall order for a lot of people, especially those whove stocked up on responsibilities in every aspect of their life only to find theyve become joy disabled by all their self- imposed lifestyle burdens. Emotionally open-minded... not afraid to be different or engage in silly role play now and then... can cut loose and get stoned, share a hot bath and a bottle of wine, make homemade porno videos with you, etc. In terms measured by her lack of inhibition and willingness to experiment, sex is important! You might be thinking, who the hell doesnt think sex is important?. Look around you... a lot of people give other bullshit in their life far more priority than their sexual experience. Most have secretly embraced their anti-erotic life philosophy as a choice because some aspect of human sexuality distresses them. Too busy, too much other important shit going on, too tired, etc. All excuses. These individuals were frightened at some point in their past by some aspect of human sexuality, and their prudish attitude now serves as a means of managing the perceived danger that sex still holds for them. Its what psychologists call a coping strategy. If you enjoy something and its important to you, youll find a way to do it. Whereas if something scares you then youll develop strategies to avoid that. This is essentially what you are dealing with. Most of the time it has nothing to do with biology or hormones or any of that shit, its mental. M. Pilinski
BUT, I fear with the situation you are in right now, she takes all her problems into the bedroom.
This can snuff out the passion real fast when two people assume these dissimilar roles where one begins to feel responsible (almost like a parent) for the other one. Not in a healthy, concerned way, but in a way that is patronizing to the point of possibly being condescending. The more adventurous adult will chaff under the weight of the more serious, increasingly non-sexual partner and either cheat or do something else to finally destroy the relationship. A lot of married people find themselves locked in this sort of Mexican standoff. Some learn to accept this situation because it probably seems better than loneliness but I say that if youre not having regular, enjoyable sex with someone that youre living with then youre already alone. M. Pilinski
My man you were able to count how many times in the last 18 months you were able to get it in. It should be countless in that amount of time. Withholding sex like a weapon is HEINOUS. Some girls are slick and think that shit is cool. Oh just use your hand tonight Im tired. By saying that, her love, attention, and affection is equated to a quick masturbatory experience. A hug from your girl is not the same as a porn marathon on a Tuesday morning. She is comfortable but she shouldnt be. One thing we all have to realize is sometimes this love stuff is like the NFL. If you are not doing your job, believe me, I will FIND a new player that can, and with a faster 40 time! What one girl is not willing to do, another one will in spades, and in relationships we compare ourselves to the next guy a lot. How come Johnny gets bjs before breakfast but Im pulling teeth trying to get her to watch Wolf of Wall Street without getting offended? Its not your fault, we all compare to gauge happiness, but it breeds contempt.
Your mom wants to see you happy, but the godmother has been around long enough to know whats up. Mom doesnt want you to give up on a good thing, but she is your mother if chewing Play-Doh made you happy and was capable of creating Grand-Dohbabies she would let you do it. Your godmother is far enough away from you personally to provide that different vantage point.
I feel like eventually you want to sabotage it somehow so that you can at least break up over something major as opposed to disinterest. Because if it is disinterest, there is a chance in your new relationship, boredom will be inevitable, which IS NOT the case.
Im rooting for you to succeed man. I have not witnessed anything worse than when a man holds on to something that is not there, and a woman checks out mentally it takes a piece of your soul. But hash things out with your girl if you cannot imagine life without her.
Good luck.
****Shes Yours For The Taking Michael Pilinski , No More Mr. Nice Guy Robert Glover, Without Embarrasment Michael Pilinski,
hahaha nuke relationship from orbit.
at least you're not under the impression that marriage will make things better. Just rip it off like a bandaid, quickly and hope the pain ends soon. With all the things you've listed, you'll both be better off not together. She probably likes being with you, but it sounds like you two have grown further apart over time.
I mean, with guys, by the time we get to the point where we have a list? The guy? That's not good. Ship is already halfway full of water by then. Your heart knows the deal, and right now your subconscious is trying to build up enough evidence to pull your brain along.
It's over unless SHE meets you in the middle or you collapse, give in and accept life with someone who has a different direction planned than you.
She sounds like a good person. The other areas of her life are causing her major stress and that can affect how much mindshare she puts into feeling sexy and getting intimate. I mean, you could talk to her about these things, but you don't want her to just be correcting her course so she can keep things together. You want someone who truly and passionately wants you and a life with you. Not just someone who wants a life and has landed a man and wants to keep the momentum up and hold on to what she's got. So, you're on the island already. It's time to talk. Man up. Gird your loins and get ready for tears and thrown toasters. Tell her you're unhappy. What is wrong with that if it's the truth? No point in lying.
at least you're not under the impression that marriage will make things better. Just rip it off like a bandaid, quickly and hope the pain ends soon. With all the things you've listed, you'll both be better off not together. She probably likes being with you, but it sounds like you two have grown further apart over time.
I mean, with guys, by the time we get to the point where we have a list? The guy? That's not good. Ship is already halfway full of water by then. Your heart knows the deal, and right now your subconscious is trying to build up enough evidence to pull your brain along.
It's over unless SHE meets you in the middle or you collapse, give in and accept life with someone who has a different direction planned than you.
She sounds like a good person. The other areas of her life are causing her major stress and that can affect how much mindshare she puts into feeling sexy and getting intimate. I mean, you could talk to her about these things, but you don't want her to just be correcting her course so she can keep things together. You want someone who truly and passionately wants you and a life with you. Not just someone who wants a life and has landed a man and wants to keep the momentum up and hold on to what she's got. So, you're on the island already. It's time to talk. Man up. Gird your loins and get ready for tears and thrown toasters. Tell her you're unhappy. What is wrong with that if it's the truth? No point in lying.
HappyBivouac
Member
Rephrase your original post here as a letter to her.
IISANDERII
Member
No, not a warmup, it's a trial run.
OP, you use way too many Parentheses in your writing.
Howard Ballou
Member
OP, you said you had friends in the city. Would one of them be willing to put you up while you sort out the financial stuff? Of course, you could help them with some of their bills while you're there. Just a thought.
Aside from that, I agree with what's been said here. You don't sound happy at all, and marriage just isn't gonna fix that. Probably time to move on.
Aside from that, I agree with what's been said here. You don't sound happy at all, and marriage just isn't gonna fix that. Probably time to move on.
I know very well how someone can.
It's called bonding with someone, getting attached to them and having feelings.
Look, I agree that he should have broken it off already, but being in a relationship for so long makes it hard to make that step; there's still feelings, you're afraid of hurting her, you're afraid she's going to hate you... not to mention that a lot people tend to take comfort in misery
You mentioned in the OP that of you break up with her, you think she will hate you for wasting her time for the past 4.5 years, but you need to ask yourself; Can I picture myself with this person for the rest of my life? The answer is obvious by your post, but imagine how much harder it will be to split up if you're married, own a house together, and possibly have kids together. The longer you stay with her the more time you waste for both of you.
BocoDragon
or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Realize This Assgrab is Delicious
I would get out. Doesn't even sound like you guys enjoy being with each other, so what's the point?
Only piece of advice is MAYBE to not break up super far before a lease is over. Maybe closer to when you have to give some notice as to when you're going to leave (60 days for where I've been at). Unless that's really far off, then it might be for the best to just end it now. Fair warning, it'll get nasty if either of you start seeing other people beforehand (Currently in a relationship where this is the case), and there will certainly be a LOT of fighting.
But staying together when neither of you are happy with it isn't doing either of you any favors.
Only piece of advice is MAYBE to not break up super far before a lease is over. Maybe closer to when you have to give some notice as to when you're going to leave (60 days for where I've been at). Unless that's really far off, then it might be for the best to just end it now. Fair warning, it'll get nasty if either of you start seeing other people beforehand (Currently in a relationship where this is the case), and there will certainly be a LOT of fighting.
But staying together when neither of you are happy with it isn't doing either of you any favors.
Arkos
Nose how to spell and rede to
Word up. We're always happy to listen to your troubles and provide anonymous advice.
Freeza Under The Shower
Member
wouldn't call the global internet a safe place though...
well, at least she hasn't announced her position by making a "I LOVE MY WIFE" type thread. But yeah, not intimate but wanting kids? No, that's never going to work and OP should have 'that talk' about letting go. The nice way is to simply be decent about it and say what you have to say (lay down some ground rules on 'no interrupting') and take it from there. You're adults, it should work itself out. Should, though.
Uncle Rupee
Banned
If I were you, I would surreptitiously move some of my valued possessions out of the shared living space before the break up. If she is expecting you to pop the question and gets dumped instead, shit is about to get nasty. Chances are you will be the one forced to move out instead of her, and she will take out her rage on whatever you leave behind. If possible, have your friends come over and help you box up / store all your belongings while she is away at work or something so you can make a clean break.
Necromanti
Member
What you described might indeed be as good as it gets...if you stay in this dysfunctional relationship. We may have the tendency to try to maintain a relationship the more time we've invested into one--no matter how bad it may be--but you two don't sound compatible at even a foundational level. The answer is to get out of such a relationship as soon as possible rather than accepting it. At the very least, you are obviously not happy. Do what's best for you. Get out of there as soon as is realistically possible.
bone_and_sinew
breaking down barriers in gratuitous nudity
Thanks for giving me a good comeback for the next time a chick pulls that shit on me, how did I not think of this one.
Darren870
Member
Pfht, I did it after 8 years and we were living overseas together.
The breakup was pretty fast actually and she moved back home within a month.
The hardest part? Closing the door and knowing I may never see someone I've known for 8 years ever again....
I dont regret it and am much happier now though. Most of the issues we had were like yours and she too didn't see it coming.
Best of luck op. Just get it over with. I too started coming up with excuses of when to do it. Then I talked to a friend and he said just do it tonight as you will always find excuses... So i did just that.
The breakup was pretty fast actually and she moved back home within a month.
The hardest part? Closing the door and knowing I may never see someone I've known for 8 years ever again....
I dont regret it and am much happier now though. Most of the issues we had were like yours and she too didn't see it coming.
Best of luck op. Just get it over with. I too started coming up with excuses of when to do it. Then I talked to a friend and he said just do it tonight as you will always find excuses... So i did just that.
SnakeSlashRO
Banned
This is the girl age neogaf needs.
So refreshing, something different.
But yeah bro, I think you should break it up... Only time away from her will show you if it was meant to be or not at this point. You might be taking her for granted? But then again if you don't want to settle, don't. It's your life man.
So refreshing, something different.
But yeah bro, I think you should break it up... Only time away from her will show you if it was meant to be or not at this point. You might be taking her for granted? But then again if you don't want to settle, don't. It's your life man.
Gemüsepizza
Member
This. OP, your SO is the one you should be telling your problems. Successful relationships require communication, if you can't communicate they will fail.
Sho_Nuff82
Member
Savior X, thanks for taking the time out to write all of that. To answer some of your questions:
1) I usually try to be supportive with her work stuff. I listen, and listen, and listen as she complains about this student, that parent, or this admin. I try to be understanding without turning it into a 2 minutes hate against the offending party. Sometimes it's a technical issue (she openly admits she isn't good with computers). She does have a bit of insecurity, so if I try to help too much, she says I make her feel stupid.
Mostly though, she'll just stew and have a self freak out, and then apologize later for being stressed out.
2) We don't really have guests, ever. Couple of times a year at most. I will sometimes forget to make the bed in the morning or wash my breakfast dishes...and it's always an issue. I'm not an incredibly neat person on the regular, but those two things drive her up the wall for some reason.
3) I don't game to ignore her, although she often assumes this is the case. I've only ever convinced her to try plants vs zombies and some Kinect games. She was sort of intrigued by the narrative of Gone Home. If she's watching the tv and I want to play something I'll put on headphones for my pc. Which annoys her. If she's just reading and I want to play something on xbox, she'll often leave the room in frustration.
I don't even play games online regularly anymore, and I bought maybe 4 games full price in all of 2013. Like most of gaf I have a big steam backlog that I never get around to finishing. Last game I beat was Mark of the Ninja. Still haven't beaten gta5, FC3, haven't opened AC3. Spent most of the fall playing MotN, Dust, and Bastion.
4) I do eat meat when I make meals for myself. Being in a long term relationship, she likes to have sit down meals together. This I can totally understand. But since she doesn't cook meat (or really know how), on the nights where we eat together, she or I make the vegetarian friendly option.
I think if/when I get around to laying all this out, it will be the first part of an "I'm ending it" talk.
1) I usually try to be supportive with her work stuff. I listen, and listen, and listen as she complains about this student, that parent, or this admin. I try to be understanding without turning it into a 2 minutes hate against the offending party. Sometimes it's a technical issue (she openly admits she isn't good with computers). She does have a bit of insecurity, so if I try to help too much, she says I make her feel stupid.
Mostly though, she'll just stew and have a self freak out, and then apologize later for being stressed out.
2) We don't really have guests, ever. Couple of times a year at most. I will sometimes forget to make the bed in the morning or wash my breakfast dishes...and it's always an issue. I'm not an incredibly neat person on the regular, but those two things drive her up the wall for some reason.
3) I don't game to ignore her, although she often assumes this is the case. I've only ever convinced her to try plants vs zombies and some Kinect games. She was sort of intrigued by the narrative of Gone Home. If she's watching the tv and I want to play something I'll put on headphones for my pc. Which annoys her. If she's just reading and I want to play something on xbox, she'll often leave the room in frustration.
I don't even play games online regularly anymore, and I bought maybe 4 games full price in all of 2013. Like most of gaf I have a big steam backlog that I never get around to finishing. Last game I beat was Mark of the Ninja. Still haven't beaten gta5, FC3, haven't opened AC3. Spent most of the fall playing MotN, Dust, and Bastion.
4) I do eat meat when I make meals for myself. Being in a long term relationship, she likes to have sit down meals together. This I can totally understand. But since she doesn't cook meat (or really know how), on the nights where we eat together, she or I make the vegetarian friendly option.
I think if/when I get around to laying all this out, it will be the first part of an "I'm ending it" talk.
ironichaos
Member
1. You need to have a discussion with your girl right now. Don't wait. Maybe this discussion will be the end. But honestly, you've been together this long, so be open to the idea of staying together a bit longer. You obviously still love her, it's just that there's a lotta shit right now clouding up the water. If she also expresses willingness to work things out, then...
2. If you're both busy, put an hour or two on your calendar each week for a "check-in" where you both can sit down and review your concerns, what's working, what still needs to improve. Don't be mean, but still try your best to be completely honest with each other.
3. Schedule a date night once a week, a night where you go out together and just let loose and have a good time, go to the movies, go to a fucking concert together, whatever. Just because you don't like the same music doesn't mean you can't still have fun. And because people have different interests, take turns every other week deciding what to do so that both are getting to share your interests with each other. Reconnect with those qualities that made you fall in love with her in the first place. Be spontaneous.
4. If something in your life is making you unhappy, change it. If she hates her job, she needs to change it. If she hates her commute, she needs to change it. If you hate your relationship, you need to change it. The only thing in life that is consistent, is change. Either you guys fix your relationship, or it will end.
5. After having been in a long term relationship, it's vitally important that you be clear in your intentions and set expectations. Set an expectation that for example, in two months (or your apartment lease would be a good date), if things haven't improved to a satisfactory level, it's time to go separate ways. There's no surprises this way. Then you both can use the following month for planning the logistics of actually separating your intertwined lives from each other.
6. Relationships require constant maintenance. If things do improve over the next few months, don't become complacent. Continually strive to keeps things healthy and growing.
Good luck man. You're gonna need it
2. If you're both busy, put an hour or two on your calendar each week for a "check-in" where you both can sit down and review your concerns, what's working, what still needs to improve. Don't be mean, but still try your best to be completely honest with each other.
3. Schedule a date night once a week, a night where you go out together and just let loose and have a good time, go to the movies, go to a fucking concert together, whatever. Just because you don't like the same music doesn't mean you can't still have fun. And because people have different interests, take turns every other week deciding what to do so that both are getting to share your interests with each other. Reconnect with those qualities that made you fall in love with her in the first place. Be spontaneous.
4. If something in your life is making you unhappy, change it. If she hates her job, she needs to change it. If she hates her commute, she needs to change it. If you hate your relationship, you need to change it. The only thing in life that is consistent, is change. Either you guys fix your relationship, or it will end.
5. After having been in a long term relationship, it's vitally important that you be clear in your intentions and set expectations. Set an expectation that for example, in two months (or your apartment lease would be a good date), if things haven't improved to a satisfactory level, it's time to go separate ways. There's no surprises this way. Then you both can use the following month for planning the logistics of actually separating your intertwined lives from each other.
6. Relationships require constant maintenance. If things do improve over the next few months, don't become complacent. Continually strive to keeps things healthy and growing.
Good luck man. You're gonna need it
Devolution
Member
If you're not happy, she's not happy, you both make promises to change or keep talking it out but no actions spring from it: end it. Don't prolong the misery. It makes it all the more painful when you realize you could have nipped the relationship in the bud at this point but didn't. I realize how easy it is to keep going with rationalizations of time or caring about the person, but if you truly care for someone you realize the incompatibility and don't waste their time either.
Dude, you seem set on ending this, which is your call and fine and all. But don't do what some of these imbeciles are suggesting. You've been with this woman for almost 5 years, you've shared your lives together, tell her what happened and why you are ending the relationship.
Good job.
To be frank...if you aren't happy and neither is she..despite efforts to try to fix things then yeah its over. Like other people said you can't let your feelings take a backseat. Getting married will only make letting go that much harder due to financial and legal obligations ON TOP of the emotional you're already experiencing. Cut your losses now while the wound isn't as grave. Marriage will just compound what's already there...good or bad. Good luck man...hope things work out...whichever option you choose
That's not horrible then. You should seriously consider getting your thoughts together and getting this over with.
HappyBivouac
Member
$6000 down the drain is "not horrible?"
Man, shitty situation all around. You could try to find someone to sublease and just both move elsewhere.
OP is seriously making me rethink my relationship.
We just had our one year anniversary.
I've been having these thoughts for a while now that we like our relationship more than each other.
We also both have very different tastes in music, she also doesn't like video games at all.
Whenever I want to go out she always wants me to stay in with her. But for the most part she still manages to come out with me... but half the time she just sits somewhere and keeps saying she's tired... so I have to try and entertain her while trying to have fun for myself.
There's also a lack of sex but no where near that bad.
She wants me to move in with her next year.
Its weird, I do love her and there are times when I'm with her when I feel like she's the one, and other times when I'm wondering how we're still even together.
Shit's hard OP. Let us know what you decide to do. If you really don't love her anymore I'd say split up. If you think theres a chance you could make it work then I would vent to her first..
We just had our one year anniversary.
I've been having these thoughts for a while now that we like our relationship more than each other.
We also both have very different tastes in music, she also doesn't like video games at all.
Whenever I want to go out she always wants me to stay in with her. But for the most part she still manages to come out with me... but half the time she just sits somewhere and keeps saying she's tired... so I have to try and entertain her while trying to have fun for myself.
There's also a lack of sex but no where near that bad.
She wants me to move in with her next year.
Its weird, I do love her and there are times when I'm with her when I feel like she's the one, and other times when I'm wondering how we're still even together.
Shit's hard OP. Let us know what you decide to do. If you really don't love her anymore I'd say split up. If you think theres a chance you could make it work then I would vent to her first..
This is your answer. If you think she's going to be disappointed and hateful now, how do you think she'd feel if you do end up getting married, have children together, and eventually get a divorce because these feelings never went away? You're not doing either of you any favours by sticking it out just for the sake of it.
That said, after such a long time, you can't let the relationship go down without a fight. Before doing anything drastic, you should perhaps consider talking to her about how you feel and try finding a solution. If you can't see eye to eye on most of the issues you mentioned, however, there's no reason to stay together out of obligation, regardless of how accustomed you may have come to being with each other.
Edit: The fact that you're still unsure about wanting to marry her after having been together for so long should also tell you something.
You're that guy though
Longest relationship I was in was about 7 years. And yeah, I agree with the thread title. There really is no easy way to end a relationship that's been going on that long. I think anything 1 year+ after the age of 21 is always doomed for a bad breakup, but that's just me.
If you don't feel that it's working, just be up front about it and COMMUNICATE. Open communication leads to more closure. Nothing worse then being dumped and having no real conversations about it or the conversations were toxic with no real dialogue.
Wish you the best. It will be hard for both of you. Just remember that it's a friend that you are ultimately hurting, and that you need to still be there if she needs you. Just don't over indulge her neediness.
If you don't feel that it's working, just be up front about it and COMMUNICATE. Open communication leads to more closure. Nothing worse then being dumped and having no real conversations about it or the conversations were toxic with no real dialogue.
Wish you the best. It will be hard for both of you. Just remember that it's a friend that you are ultimately hurting, and that you need to still be there if she needs you. Just don't over indulge her neediness.
OP, imagine spending the rest of your life with this individual. Prognosticate how she'll up the ante with her "punishments." If it's not getting better, don't waste any more of your time; it's fucking precious.
Do not settle if you're miserable. It'll just escalate and you'll waste your youth on a vituperative thing. Disregard the disappointment you may endure from friends and family; they aren't you and this is about what is best for you.
In my line of work, I have heard an immeasurable amount of life stories from people of various backgrounds and ilks. I've unfortunately heard this a fair amount: "I wish I did what I wanted to do instead of falling prey to what others thought I should do." It's so fallacious. Why do you care about the judgments of others if you seem to be so unhappy?
Long-term relationship that have hit their nadirs endure because of the Sunk Cost Fallacy. Here it is in a nutshell:
I encourage you to read more: The Sunk Cost Fallacy.
Long-term relationships rarely end without a hassle. Emotions run high. Logistically, you're just about inextricable and the thought of untangling yourself causes a headache. You think ending it will be an absolute waste. You think, "Why not see if it gets better?" Then you plunge into the rabbit hole and end up with a preponderance of disappointment, mental degradation, and just plain shit.
You've one life, OP. We all get a lifetime and the length varies from person to person. Being alone sucks. Losing that resonance is soul-crushing. It's a circuitous path to recovery, but it's one worth traveling.
If things aren't getting better, it's time to make an escape plan and move on. Do so before you lose even more of your time.
Do not settle if you're miserable. It'll just escalate and you'll waste your youth on a vituperative thing. Disregard the disappointment you may endure from friends and family; they aren't you and this is about what is best for you.
In my line of work, I have heard an immeasurable amount of life stories from people of various backgrounds and ilks. I've unfortunately heard this a fair amount: "I wish I did what I wanted to do instead of falling prey to what others thought I should do." It's so fallacious. Why do you care about the judgments of others if you seem to be so unhappy?
Long-term relationship that have hit their nadirs endure because of the Sunk Cost Fallacy. Here it is in a nutshell:
I encourage you to read more: The Sunk Cost Fallacy.
Long-term relationships rarely end without a hassle. Emotions run high. Logistically, you're just about inextricable and the thought of untangling yourself causes a headache. You think ending it will be an absolute waste. You think, "Why not see if it gets better?" Then you plunge into the rabbit hole and end up with a preponderance of disappointment, mental degradation, and just plain shit.
You've one life, OP. We all get a lifetime and the length varies from person to person. Being alone sucks. Losing that resonance is soul-crushing. It's a circuitous path to recovery, but it's one worth traveling.
If things aren't getting better, it's time to make an escape plan and move on. Do so before you lose even more of your time.
HappyBivouac
Member
Yeah.. Gonna have to explain that one.
If you are out of college, you usually have some of kind of joint venture together. Apartment, pet, children, something. Relationships are more serious and therefore usually more "messy" to end.
You can definitely be friends again after all is said and done, but in my experience, the older you get, the more a relationship has to lose.
This is not as big an issue as everyone seems to think it is. I've been with my girlfriend 11 years and she barely plays games and most certainly does NOT have the same taste in music as me.
You do not need to be going out with your female equivalent.
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